February 1, 2006 UC Families Newsletter -- A new online newsletter and resource for faculty, staff and students at University of California campuses who are balancing academic goals or careers with family life. Circulation: 614 Moderator: Karie Frasch email: moderator_ucfam@parents.berkeley.edu Website: http://parents.berkeley.edu/ucfamilies Post a Message: http://parents.berkeley.edu/post_ucfam.html ---------------------------------------------- Contents ---------------------------------------------- *Responses Original post: Two young kids, a partner, and a career, sort of Original post: Issues about balancing career with adolescent Original post: Budgeting for baby Original post: Summer programs *New postings Babies matter - academia and family Summer camp to learn Mandarin Is your department family friendly? *News/media Paid Baby Leave: Stanford grad students can get money Female Scientists Turn Their Backs on Jobs at Research Universities: Many say liberal-arts colleges provide a better place for women to thrive *Events Work and Families: Changing Realities *New members Since 1/25/06 ---------------------------------------------- *Responses ---------------------------------------------- You can post additional responses at: http://parents.berkeley.edu/post_ucfam.html Original post: Two young kids, a partner, and a career, sort of ------------------------------------------------ Hello Im wondering how people manage to move forward and continue with their career once the second baby arrives? I have a 3-year-old and a 2-month-old and a staff career that is currently stalling. How do people balance everything? Will my partner and I ever see each other besides at the changing table? Sometimes it seems like insanity. Response: re:Two young kids, a partner, and a career, sort ------------------------------------------- Balancing two kids and two working parents is by far the most challenging thing I've ever attempted. The good news is that with a 2 month old and a 3 year old (the same spread as my kids were two years ago), you are possibly at the worst point of it. I remember feeling like nothing could possibly be harder than those few months had been, with the lack of sleep, the toddler's need to have their parents' attention, and our complete exhaustion. But, it has gotten easier! Trying to get some time for yourself is key, and trying to spend some quality time with each child individually helps as well. You won't have time for most things that you want to do, but if you can get organized and get the kids on a somewhat regular schedule (something that was difficult for me!), it is possible to balance the craziness. Hang in there! Keeping it together in Santa Cruz Original post: Issues about balancing career with adolescent ---------------------------------------------- Hi UC Families, I have a daughter who is 10 years old. So far, things with her have been pretty easy and predictable, and now that she is older its much easier to do things as a family, and plan our lives. What Im wondering is, for those of you who have teenagers, either now adolescent, or recently there, what kinds of challenges/potential stresses await us? My wife and I are both heavily entrenched in our careers and we wonder what we may have to put on the back burner for a few years to help our daughter if she needs it (though she is right now a good student and well adjusted). Thanks. Dad thinking about adolescence Response: career with adolescent ------------------------------------------- I am exactly in this postition! Firstly, my daughter comes first and luckily I have a VERY flexible job. I can leave when there is a crisis or can come in late if I have to make a trip to Berkeley High School to visit the attendance office or something. You just really have to be in contact with your child and make sure she is getting the attention she needs (whether she likes it or not!). Also, check in with your supervisors to make sure they know what's going on with you and your family. I work in a very kid-friendly environment so when someone has a child-related obligation we have the choice to make up the time or take sick time, vacation time, whatever it takes. As far as you and your wife being ''entrenched' in your careers, I would think you will have to make some decisions and choices about who will take off in an emergency or go on those visits to school to drop a letter in a teachers mailbox. Depending on how it goes with your daughter, you will all fall into a routine of sorts, like you are now. I'm a single parent so I take most of the time off. Her father's job is less flexible and he's not as involved in the day-to-day stuff-though I keep him posted. My daughter has a cell phone and checks in with me all the time or I call her after school to see what she's up to. A lot is based on trust, as you can't follow them around. And working things out ahead of time is a good idea for what's going to happen after school or on short days, etc. I hightly recommmend introducing your daughter to sports, if you haven't already. High schools have good sports programs and that takes care of the down time after school for most days until you all get home. And she will be so tired afterwards she fall right to sleep early (teenagers like to stay up late AND sleep late-a problem for getting to school on time). I think girls are happier when they are active, plus sports keeps those endorphins running! Better than lying around crying! (Remeber the hormones are running on high during these years.) I hope that's given you a window into the future. Of course it depends on what your family structure is like too.... good luck! Sign up for the parents ot teens newsletter. Good stuff there. mom of a 15 yo Response: For Dad Thinking About Adolescence ------------------------------------------- Boy, do I remember being in your place 8 years ago! I hope with all my heart that you do not experience what we did. Our sweet, studious, loving little girl changed at age 12.5, seemingly overnight, and the person we knew is only now at age 18 starting to re-emerge. So, the good news is there is hope that, with maturity, comes an appreciation of family and recognition of what's important in life. It took her going away to college to make this happen, and for most of her high school years, my husband and I weren't even sure there was going BE a college experience for her. We went through so much: shoplifting, drinking, drugging, cutting herself, sneaking out, sex way too early. . . stuff that I can't even talk about, it was so awful. We did the therapy route and even anti- depressants (for her, but sometimes I wonder if I should have for myself, too!), and that helped somewhat. I know other parents go through more, but frankly it brings tears to my eyes just to remember it, particularly because the contrast to that sweet innocence was so great. Oh, and the insolence and the rolling of eyes! Let's just say, I am glad we're coming out on the other end of it and we're starting to develop a decent relationship again. It was more than a bumpy ride. I sometimes wonder if experiencing 9/11 at the impressionable age of 13 triggered some of this. Been there and wouldn't do that again Original post: Budgeting for baby ------------------------------------------- Hi all - my spouse and I are expecting our first baby - due in April and are trying to figure out how much everything is going to cost - both before and after the baby arrives. I have Blue Cross for the prenatal and delivery. Does anyone have an idea of your out-of-pocket expenses for the prenatal and birth charges? How about for the costs of the baby during the first year? Kristen Response: Baby budget ------------------------------------------- Contrary to what marketers and the Joneses would have you believe, you don't need a whole lot of stuff for your baby. You don't need a full set of matching furniture. Don't buy your crib until your baby is ready to outgrow the basinett. By then you'll know if your baby has decided to sleep with you. I know too many people for whom the expensive crib became a place to store stuffed animals. My daughter cost me practically nothing in the first year. I had the luck of tons of hand me down clothing. I didn't need to buy anything. She did not have a walker or an exersaucer. She got her excersize on the floor and went to crawling and walking from the floor. She is incredibly athletic and coordinated now. I changed her diaper on the dresser and later on the bed. I didn't use a crib, she refused and we ended up sleeping together. I got a simple backpack as a shower present and a bouncy jump up which was also hand me down. I made my own baby food by setting something aside from dinner preparations and mashing it and within a few months her food was our mashed dinner. (She eats anything now). I think the only baby food item I ever bought was rice cereal and some biscuits. I purchased a used car seat. I got a $15 umbrella stroller. If you walk I'd recommend getting something a little sturdier with a nice basket, but the ones they sell at Toys R Us are fine. You don't need to spend $300 on a stroller, really. And you don't need a ''travel system''. You can just pick your baby up out of the car seat and put them in a stroller or sling. My high chair was a gift from my mother, but I picked it out at Toys R Us as well and it was absolutely fine. She didn't need to recline to three different levels nor did I really need to adjust the height of the chair on a regular basis. My mom saved a lot of money - I think you can get a simple high chair for $40-$60, maybe less. Better yet. Get anything you have to have from the parent's list. I bought one huge bottle of baby shampoo and used it for everything - I did not buy a special soap or lotion for every part of her body. I purchased diapers (probably my biggest expense), but washed my babies bottom in the sink (she loved the warm water). I never used wipes. Wet washcloths did the trick when I was out. I bought very few toys if any. Mostly they were gifts and hand me downs. If you need to save, really examine your idea of what you have to have and why you think you have to have it. Be skeptical about claims that things will make your baby more intelligent or whatever. Remember, people are trying to get your money and they'll say anything. (school test scores are dropping despite the myriads of devices, videos, tapes and contraptions our babies have been subjected to). Don't worry about what everyone else has. Less is better. Babies develop better when left to their own devices rather than being put in overstimulating command centers that beep, buzz and twang at their every move. Oh, and if you have to buy clothes, again Target or Toys R Us. You get more bang for your buck. Don't spend $25-$50 on an outfit that is only going to get worn a couple of times and be pooped on and spat up on. Save it for college Response: Reply to Budgeting for a New Baby ------------------------------------------- There is a pretty good book that we used called Baby Bargains, which breaks down the cost of all kinds of items necessary for baby in the first year, and has consumer reports info and parent ratings for all the different brands for each item. The name of the book is misleading because this book covers all price categories, not just the ''bargains.'' There are so many variables - whether you buy formula or breastfeed; whether you buy baby food, or make your own; at what age your child enters daycare; etc. Barbara Response: budgeting for baby ------------------------------------------- Hi Kristen, I started writing this long ol' post about the costs of a baby and the variables to think about before realizing that you might just be asking about medical costs and not ''entire raising baby'' costs. So which did you mean? If you meant medical, then you can think about budgeting for your copay on a quarterly basis, since your baby is likely to visit his or her pediatrician once every 3 months. If you want thoughts on the cost of a baby in general during the first year, I would be happy to chime in again. Take care and congratulations! Rachel Re: budgeting for baby ------------------------------------------- Hi- Congrats on your first! If you are due in April then I would presume you have already started prental appointments and then as you know through most insurance plans, those are completely covered. As for the cost of the birth, we paid 300-dollars out of pocket at Sutter in Davis. A deal if you ask me. I am one of those people who believes you can't plan and budget for a child. You just do it. You make it work and putting aside money now for diapers and the like will just give you a headache. The biggest expense we faced and continue to face is daycare. 1000/month is the norm where we are and our 2 year old is now in preschool where we continue to fork over the big bucks. But again, you make it work. That is the biggest challenge I learned as a parent so far...don't sweat it and just roll with the flow. You'll manage. managing :) Response: Re: Budgeting for baby ------------------------------------------- This is in response to the question about how much babies cost in the first year. I am a grad student with an 18-mo- old and another on the way. I can't speak to Blue Cross for delivery and prenatal care (we have different insurance), but as for the rest ... My experience was that if this is your first child and you have a ''typical'' number of friends and family (whatever that is!) that virtually all the initial gear you need (stroller, carseat, crib, etc. etc. etc.) will be covered through baby showers/gifts. If you haven't already, DO register at one of the big stores like Target - otherwise you will get a million newborn outfits and none of the practical stuff. Lots of books, websites, etc. will help you out with developing an initial list of what you ''need'' when the baby comes. Once s/he's here but is still young, the initial costs of having an infant are fairly minimal, especially if you are breastfeeding exclusively (no pricey formula). The new expenses in your life (diapers, wipes) are more or less balanced out by the things you aren't doing any more, like going out to eat. This all changes once you start doing childcare in some form. This is a significant expense for us, close to what we pay in rent. In terms of your efforts to plan financially for the coming year (good for you!) the good news is that childcare is an expense that you can research and plan for to some degree. The bad news is that you're unlikely to know for sure what form of childcare you will want (nanny, shared nanny, family day care, etc.) and possibly when and how much you will want it until after the baby arrives. Whatever you expect now probably will change after the birth - and it could go in either direction. Good luck! Slave to daycare Original post: Summer programs ------------------------------------------- I am looking for a volunteer program this summer for my soon to be 16 yr old son. Would like him to work with less fortunate people either in or out of the US and preferably a Spanish speaking area. Any suggestions? Kay Response: Ideas for kids 16 and 10 ------------------------------------------- For parents with kids 10 and 16, Imagine magazine published by Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth has loads of info on things for kids in the summer. You can google for it. Or try: www.nagc.org or www.cagifted.org A number of churches in Santa Cruz send people to Mexico to volunteer to build homes there; you might check with a local church in Berkeley. Jondi ---------------------------------------------- *New postings ---------------------------------------------- You can post a response message: http://parents.berkeley.edu/post_ucfam.html Babies matter - academia and family -------------------------------------------------------- I am currently the Graduate Dean at Berkeley and a researcher on the effects of family formation on the careers of academics. I am also a mother of two grown children and navigated these issues while they were growing up. Despite intensive research in this area it is still difficult to answer the question often asked of me by my graduate students, "when is the best time to have a baby?" What do you think? Before women begin graduate programs should they be given more clear information about the challenges of managing family and career in academia? Should more be done to help graduate students make decisions about the timing of these issues? What can current professors do to better encourage promising young women to stay in the "pipeline" to satisfying tenured jobs? And finally, when do you think is the best time to have a baby? Mary Ann Mason Summer camp to learn Mandarin ------------------------------------------- I would appreciate recommendations for a summer camp my five-year-old can attend to learn to speak Mandarin. We are interested in a school in San Francisco. ActNet on Judah has been suggested. Thanks. Is your department family friendly? ------------------------------------------ I have a young child, and with all of the recent talk of family friendliness Im wondering what makes a department or workplace family friendly anyway? Do you think your department is family friendly? I think the administrators in my department generally follow the policies of my university but I wouldnt say we are particularly family friendly. Staff at UC wondering if Im missing out ------------------------------------------ *Articles and media ------------------------------------------ You can post comments or discussion points about any of these, or offer new ones - http://parents.berkeley.edu/post_ucfam.html PAID BABY LEAVE: Stanford grad students can get money By Lisa M. Krieger, San Jose Mercury News, Jan. 27, 2006 -- http://www.montereyherald.com/mld/montereyherald/news/13726387.htm Female Scientists Turn Their Backs on Jobs at Research Universities: Many say liberal-arts colleges provide a better place for women to thrive By Alison Schneider, Chronicle of Higher Education, August 18, 2000 http://chronicle.com/free/v46/i50/50a01201.htm ----------------------------------------- *Events ----------------------------------------- Work and Families: Changing Realities Saturday, March 25, 2006 Claremont McKenna College Claremont, CA This one-day conference is sponsored by the Claremont Colleges and the Berger Institute for Work, Family, and Children. Work-Family issues are a major focus of concern for both employers and working families. This years symposium addresses critical psychosocial, cultural, health, economic, legal, and political issues relating to this topic. Distinguished presenters include: Jane Swift, former Governor of Massachusetts, who was the first Governor in the U.S. to give birth (to twins) while in office V. Sue Molina, first National Director for the Retention and Advancement of Women at Deloitte and Touche Joan Williams, leading authority on workplace discrimination against mothers and pregnant women Rena Repetti, a researcher whose work on parental stress includes videotaped interactions between parents and children as parents return home from work Donna Klein, a consultant to corporations developing workplace flexibility, with a particular focus on low-wage workers Rosalind Barnett, a prolific author who has studied the stress working parents feel as their children return home after school Symposia with interdisciplinary experts addressing questions about parental employment and children, diversity and discrimination, and work, stress and health linkages. This unique conference promises to be a learning experience for all. Dont miss it! Space is limited, so register early to reserve your space. Print the linked brochure above or register online at www.cgu.edu/realities. For more information, contact psych@cgu.edu or call (909) 621-8084. --------------------------------------------------------------------- - Post a message * http://parents.berkeley.edu/post.html - Subscribe, Unsubscribe, Address Changes, Help * http://parents.berkeley.edu/subscribers.html