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Can anyone recommend some good books about parenting toddlers? My daughter just turned 18 months and seemingly overnight has started exhibiting toddler behavior - screaming when she doesn't get what she wants or when things are taken away from her, fighting to get free when I try to pick her up or hold her hand, protesting (o.k., screaming) when I try to help her with things she wants to do on her own and can't (putting on her shoes or jacket), screaming at other kids at the park when they touch a toy she's no longer playing with or was thinking about playing with, running around with this manic energy where nothing interest her for more than 5 seconds. I know this is all normal (albeit exhausting). She's usually well-rested and well-fed and that helps. But I'd like to read some books that have some helpful ideas (or at least commiserate). Although she's got great receptive language skills, she's not talking that much, which I think frustrates her. We have started signing and that helps (well, it helps her ask for ice cream and cookies - thank goodness she thinks yogurt is ice cream). :)
I set limits with her but have been told I am pretty laid back when it comes to letting her explore her world. So, I would want to read books that treat children with respect while teaching self-control rather than views them as beings that need to be controlled. Thanks! gentle mama
Do you have any recommendations for books with tips on parenting that include some reference to positive parental attitudes? I am particularly interested in the elementary school years. I have checked the website and found several, but would appreciate any newer recommendations. Kim
Can anyone recommend books/stories that poke fun at the trials and tribulations of parenting infant/preschool aged kids? I'm hoping to compile a list of books that provide comic relief in the parenting department. Any suggestions? Thanks... Kelly
My all time favorite book about being a parent in Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. I read this book before I had children and loved it, and then reread it in the midst of the 'baby blues' when I felt like an unfit mother. She speaks to the best and worst of motherhood in an honest and hilarious way. I also enjoyed the 'Girlfriend's Guide' books- I read the guide to pregnancy and the guide to the first year. Funny and pragmatic narration.
One of my main gripes with so many parenting books is the total lack of any sense of humor, which I frankly have found to be the most important quality in my parenting. Humor helps me see the ridiculousness of fighting with my two-year old over wearing her bike helmet at the dinner table, and has enabled me to admit to myself some of the 'uglier' thoughts that have gone through my head. If I didn't have darkly funny firends with kids, I probably would have lost my mind by now. Good luck! kelly
Also, books by Vicki Iovine and Erma Bombeck. And, not strictly humor although it has that, Annie Lamott's _Operating Instructions_. Avid reader
I must have half a dozen books that have taught me a great deal about childrens developmental stages and so on. They mostly end around the age of 5 though. My favorites are Penolope Leach (your baby your child), Brazelton (touchpoints) and Sears. I have the Brazelton 3-6 book but it is not that helpful as his four 'model' kids are SO extreme in temprement. Mine, like most of yours I am sure, is a mixture of these. I can not label her anything in particular so I am not looking for a 'special needs' type of book. Just a good referenece on what 5-6-7 yr olds go through, why, how to deal... Thank you much.
I'm interested in how people have learned about stages of child development. Books? Classes? I've picked up a couple of good books, but am interested in recommendations for more information...perhaps your favorite book..the one that had the ideas that really helped! My two and half year old is going through some new stages, along with adjusting to being a big sister of her 9 month old brother. She's thriving in many ways, but is hitting sometimes, and although it seems to be getting better, she's still doing it some. Thank you. Irene
With my baby's due date about three months away I thought this would be a good time to start reading up on baby books. I am looking for recommendations on what books other parents have found helpful or not helpful because I really would like to start off with just a couple really good ones. The authors that I have heard most recommended for delivering solid and sensible information are Dr. Spock for general health information, and Dr. Brazelton for developmental information. Does anyone have another author they find a must? Also, I notice that Dr. Brazelton had many book out in print. Which have you all read, and which do you recommend? Thanks.
I am very fond of Penelope Leach's book, called (I think) Your Baby & Child. I think there is even a new edition of this one. She's very sensible in her approach. The other book I've found useful is The Well Baby Book. With either of these and Spock, you'd be fine.
We've been really happy with a book called The Portable Pediatrician written by Laura Nathanson, M.D. (I think), both for behavioral/developmental and for medical info about kids (we have two).
I highly recommend Brazelton's book "Touchpoints." It really gave us a lot of insight into the developmental stages of our babies. Also provides thoughtful, balanced discussion of issues such as spacing of children, sleeping with the baby in bed, whether to allow thumbsucking, etc.
My husband and I love The Baby Book by Sears and Sears. They are a husband/wife pediatritian/pediatric nurse team with 8 children of their own, so they have LOTS of experience. They have a very humane philosophy, but it may be too touchy feely for some- sleep with your baby, breast feed on demand, wear your baby (He invented the baby sling) generally be very loving and caring to the infant and she/he will grow up with a good sense of self-esteeme. It also has behavial stuff/ sickness/ how to play with babys at different ages, and a lot more. Less useful were P. Leach's book, and What to expect from the first year, but they are good books, we just like the philosophy of the Baby Book best. All these books are at Codys- they have a large selection of this type of book.
One that I found helpful is The Baby Book by Sears and Sears. They have chapters dedicated to things like "Nighttime Parenting" and "Parenting Your Fussy or Colicky Baby," which are helpful especially in the early weeks. There are large sections on how to take care of a sick baby (it goes into detail on how to un-stuff a baby's nose, for example), how to feed your baby (tips on breastfeeding and formula feeding), etc. I found that the Sears's parenting philosophy was pretty similar to my own, which is another reason I liked it. I think it is a very well-rounded discussion of babies' needs. However, this book is not too powerful in the psychological development department, but I think that's because they're physicians rather than psychologists.
I actually haven't read any of the Spock or Brazelton books, but I do like the Sears' "Baby Book" , and
Penelope Leach's "Your Baby and Child - the first 5 years". The latter is really an excellent all around guide and it covers way more than infant needs/behaviors, which is helpful because the questions never stop.
In addition to the ones you already mentioned, I highly recommend Your Baby and Child" by Penelope Leach - she seems to have the most balanced approach to controversial topics such as sleep and feeding. The Baby Book" by William and Martha Sears is full of good practical information, but they are quite dogmatic about attachment parenting. While I agree in spirit with their approach, the book made me feel almost guilty for wanting to have my son sleep in a crib. I had fun reading both books (and Spock), and it was particularly helpful to go back and forth between them! Have fun with your baby!
A wonderful book for any new parent is "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" by Janis Keyser and Laura Davis. This is a parenting book focusing on the task of parenting rather than medical or developmental information. It is really great when you have a toddler who is driving you crazy and you don't know how you want to deal with it. Instead of being a "how to" that tells you what every expert thinks you should be doing, it guides you through figuring out how you want to parent and what is best for you and your unique family. My friends and I affectionately refer to it as "The Good Book". It covers everything from sleeping and food to body image, discipline and parenting with a partner. I can't say enough about this fabulous book. It's at the library, check it out!
I've promoted it before, I'll do it again: Dr. Elmer Grossman's "Everyday Pediatrics for Parents" is my favorite, no nonsense baby (and kid) book. I just re-read a bit, and I'm enthusiastic about the common sense approach to kids and life he puts forth. Of course, I'm a little biased, since he was my pediatrician when I was a kid. He has also written a more scientific pediatric medicine book that I haven't yet read.
The misc.kids news group has an FAQ with reviews of various birth,baby and child rearing books. I know it's on the web somewhere. Check news:misc.kids.info to find it.
What you read depends on your philosophy as well as how much time you have. The recommendation I make to all my friends who get pregnant is that at a minimum, they should read the chapters on "nighttime parenting" and the "high need/colicky baby" from William and Martha Sears' _The Baby Book_. I recommend the latter even for parents who have an easy child because it has a lot of nuts and bolts info on how to soothe a crying baby type advice.
The P. Leach books are really great on psychology, but, unless she changed this in the new version (anybody know?) her advice on breastfeeding wasn't very good (she says the baby will settle into an every 4-5 hr schedule on its own if fed on demand--NOT). I don't like the What to Expect Books at all. The only Spock book I've read is the one my mother used for me and I know he's updated since then :-) I gathered that he was very progressive for his time, but he's not my cup of tea.
I also like Faber and Mazlisch _How to Talk so Kids Will Listen_ as well as the Sears' _Disciple Book_.
Most of all, take everything you read with a grain of salt, your baby won't have read the book:-) I remember when my first son was born watching these how to take care of your newborn videos and was obsessed with bathing him. My second son didn't get a bath until he was at least a month old and then only monthly after that. We used Goldenseal powder on his umbilical cord instead of swabbing it with rubbing alcohol and it dropped off a week and a half earlier than my first son's.
My favorite baby book is still The Baby Book by Sears&Sears. The chapter on baby wearing saved my sanity with my first child and was the only thing that worked. Ignore the chapter on child care if you're going to back to work, it's guilt-ridden and I think the book would be perfect without that chapter. For myself as a new mom I found The Year After Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger extremely supportive and spiritual. You should also buy a copy of Mothering Magazine. If it's your thing you'll love it and be glad you found it. You can't buy it at Lucky's. Barnes & Noble stores has it for sure.
About baby books: My husband and I really like the What to Expect the
First Year. It's the only one of our many baby books that we bought
ourselves, and we've found it to be really balanced and to go through the
developmental stages of the first year in a very useful way.. We've found
Spock to be useful as a resource when our baby is ill, and
Penelope Leach and Brazelton's Touchpoints to be good books for psychological
development. We also have the Sears and Sears The Baby Book, but there
were times when we found it to be a bit overwhelming, especially as a
first time mother (it made me feel like I shouldn't want my child to sleep
in her own crib, and since I was unable to breast feed, the philosophy of
breastfeeding or else was a little strong).
On Becoming Babywise (Ezzo)
March 1999
Here is an article from the Washington Post:
A Tough Plan For Raising Children Draws Fire 'Babywise' Guides Worry Pediatricians and Others By Hanna Rosin Washington Post Staff Writer Saturday, February 27, 1999; Page A01 Start early and teach your baby "highchair manners," parents are advised in a series of popular books on the "Babywise" approach to child rearing. A child as young as 8 months should sit with his hands on the side of his tray or in his lap. To avoid whining and fussing, the baby should learn hand signals to express "please," "thank you" and "I love you." If the child disobeys, parents are told, the best thing is a moderate squeeze or swat to the hand. If the baby is older than 18 months, then it's time for "chastisement" with a flexible instrument, such as a rubber spatula. Developed by a California couple named Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, the Babywise books are designed to counter what the Ezzos see as a plague of "child-centered parenting." But their goal is not only to raise babies who are less fussy; they want to ensure children who are more morally centered and faithful to God. As the Ezzos see it, teaching children their principles of obedience is "Growing Kids God's Way," as one of their books is titled. And their views have struck a responsive chord among parents who are worried about the effects of overindulging their children and convinced of long-term damage done to society by the child-rearing advice of Benjamin Spock. Their most popular book, "On Becoming Babywise," has sold more than 290,000 copies since it was published in 1995, and by one estimate a million parents have had some contact with the Ezzos' philosophy, through classes, tapes or the books. But many pediatricians warn that the combination of strict rules packaged as gospel by the Ezzos can be dangerous. Promoting "highchair manners" and telling parents their children can sleep through the night in five weeks instead of the three- to six-month average pushes discipline to extremes, they say. And when those methods are sold as "God's way," parents are afraid to bend the rules and follow their own instincts on feeding, for example, causing their babies to gain weight at dangerously slow rates. Last fall, in response to a letter from 100 doctors and health care professionals calling some of the Ezzos' claims "untrue, misleading or unsubstantiated," the American Academy of Pediatrics passed a resolution to evaluate programs such as Babywise and its Christian counterparts. The academy has since issued a media alert saying "scheduled feedings designed by parents may put babies at risk for poor weight gain and dehydration." Their final evaluation is expected later this year. Many evangelical groups that share the Ezzos' belief in the need for greater discipline have also joined in the criticism. Christian radio broadcaster James Dobson, who has written several books on child rearing, called the program "too rigid." When Gary Ezzo left Grace Community Church in Simi Valley, Calif., where he started the Babywise program, the board of elders issued a public statement accusing him of confusing "biblical standards and personal preference." Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo declined to be interviewed. But a spokesman said that parents who carry their tenets to extremes are ignoring advice sprinkled throughout their books. The books discourage parents from being "hyperscheduled clock watchers," said Robert Garcia, executive vice president of Growing Families International, the Ezzos' company, and tell them to stay flexible. The books include all the tools to avoid danger -- growth charts and diaper counts. They remind parents that they lose the right to spank if they are not also loving. The proof of their wisdom, Garcia says, is in the hundreds of thousands of happy families who have used their methods -- methods the Ezzos developed while raising their own children. Neighbors and friends always approached Gary Ezzo to say, "Wow, your kids are so well behaved and polite," recalled Garcia. So in 1984, Ezzo began teaching an informal parenting class at church. The aim in the beginning was not to start a business, and according to Garcia, the Ezzos have never bought radio ads or passed out pamphlets. "Our best advertisement is our own kids," said Garcia. The program spread by word of mouth, from church to church across the country. Initially it had an overtly Christian theme, backed by biblical verse. But when pediatricians told them they did not feel comfortable recommending it to all families, Garcia said, they wrote "On Becoming Babywise," which stresses the moral effects of their approach but does not mention God. For the Ezzos, choices a parent makes from the first day affect a child's character. "Child-centered parenting," where a parent responds to an infant's every desire, including the one to be fed on demand, may be well intentioned but fosters a "sinful disability called me-ism." Stevie, an imaginary child in one book who is raised this way, is an insufferable brat and a bully. He pushes other kids off the swing, steals toys and is generally "ill prepared for real life." He is, they claim, at higher risk for obesity and learning disability. Some actions, such as walking or coloring, are morally neutral, the Ezzos write. "But the fact that a child has no moral understanding why food shouldn't be intentionally dropped from a highchair doesn't mean that we should hold back instructions and restrictions," they write. "Parents should insist on moral behavior long before their child is capable of understanding moral concepts." Signs that an 8-month-old is rebelling include: "arching her back defiantly" in a highchair, touching her food, playing with the remote control. "Failure to correct a child today will lead to moral tyranny tomorrow," they write. Critics say that the Ezzos' warnings about moderation and flexibility are lost in the overall rigid focus on discipline, and they point to some of the messages posted on the Ezzos' Web site as examples of parents who follow their methods instead of common sense. One parent complained that her 2-year-old remained disobedient despite "the constant stream of welts on her bottom from the glue stick," and wondered what more she could do. A father fretted that his 13-month-old "will go back and forth from isolation to the highchair for up to 4 hours and still refuse to sign 'all done' " -- an Ezzo hand signal method -- "even though she has done it before and knows exactly what we are asking of her." Another complained that to her "astonishment," her 6-month-old had begun arching his back and fussing when she put him in a highchair. "It's so sad to see that they're really sinners," she concluded. "We're now on Day 5 of Timothy's retraining for naps," a Michigan mother wrote recently. "Yesterday was the most difficult day ever. I thought the screaming and crying for 45 minutes was difficult, but I could endure because I felt sure that this was the right thing to do. However yesterday, when I saw a little blood, it was hard not to panic and question my methods." After writing an editorial criticizing Babywise in a magazine of the American Academy of Pediatrics, Matt Aney said he was flooded with calls from nurses and other pediatricians complaining about Babywise parents who would not give up strict feeding schedules against medical advice. In eight months, Aney has collected about 300 summaries of medical files of babies with diagnoses of abnormally slow weight gain or "failure to thrive." In one extreme case, a 5-month-old was taken to a hospital when he refused to eat. The parents, who were Christian missionaries who had taken an Ezzo class, were feeding the baby every four hours. ("A flexible 3-4 routine" is what the Ezzos recommend). In two months the baby gained only two ounces, far below the normal ounce per day. The baby spent the next seven months hooked up to a feeding tube. While the Ezzos emphasize the need for a schedule, "there will always be a few special circumstances," said Garcia. And their books give parents all the tools they need to assess those, such as diaper counts and growth charts. Still, he adds, "we found that women who don't stick to a routine run themselves ragged, and it doesn't have to be that way. There's hope, and our goal is to get you to enjoy your child even more." Richelle Barrett, a Kansas mother who raised two of her three children without the program, said reading "On Being Babywise" actually mellowed her. "Babywise helped me to not be a clock watcher, and get over my perfectionist tendencies," she said. She recalled discovering that one of her sons had been fed off schedule at his nursery school. "I threw a fit," she recalled. "But now I've learned to consider other people's feelings." As a day-care worker, she has tried applying the Ezzos' methods but says the children's mothers often don't use the same approach. "It's frustrating to train them all day according to a higher standard and then have it all blown to pieces when mom walks in the door, but you just do the best you can and leave the rest to God," she wrote on the Web site. Terri Smedley of Concord, N.C., has not had such a positive experience. She was initially excited when a friend gave her a Babywise book at her baby shower; Smedley has a seizure condition that requires her to get enough rest, and she thought having a baby who slept all night would help. But as soon as the baby was born, she found herself "obsessed" with schedules. "We were so stressed out," she recalled. "We were in bondage to our house. We never went anywhere because we were afraid we might get off schedule." After a few weeks she gave up and "enjoyed the baby much much more that way." Ginny Hunt, a mother of three in Fredericksburg, Va., also cooled to the experience. Hunt took a video course in California on the method and remembers thinking, "Wow, if we don't do this we'll be putting our child in danger. Who knows what they'll grow up to be like?" She started using Babywise methods with her two older children but when her third came along, she didn't follow the recommended nursing schedule because she already had raised two children as demand feeders. But she did try to let her 4-week-old sleep through the night. Her epiphany came on the third night, when he cried for three hours. "Suddenly, I jumped up and rushed into the room and grabbed the baby and begged his forgiveness," she recalled, saying "I'll never do this to you again." She said she also became disturbed by the behavior of her older children. They were like "Stepford children," she said, asking, "Can I appeal your decision?" every time she said "No" to something. "Of course it worked. They were model children. But the cost was too high. I don't want them to look at me that way," she decided. "I don't want them to view God that way." * Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company
Books about Being a Parent
Can anyone recommend a book on mothering or parenting in general which they really enjoyed? I'm *not* interested in a how-to handbook (i.e. Sears, What to Expect, etc...), but rather something thoughtful, thought-provoking, and well-written. Beth 2/00
For a good book that is short and fun to read, try Anne Lamott's *Operating Instructions.* I read it while I was pregnant and laughed, read it again when my baby was 2 months old and laughed more. Also, a friend of a friend of mine has a new book just coming out called *Planet Parenthood* (by Julie Tilsen, I think) that is very funny.
Jessica
Three books that I've enjoyed, all relatively non-directive (and all oriented toward infants -- I don't know how old your child is): Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber (this book does make specific recommendations that go along with its philosophy, but there's some good stuff about noticing when your child is engaged in studying something and not interupting him/her) Our Babies, Ourselve by Meredith F. Small (self-described as ethno-pediatrics; acultural/anthropological study of child-rearing practices) The Continuum Concept by ??? (another anthropological study of the child-raising of an Amazonian tribe. A pretty strong ideological slant about carrying the baby all the time (I suspect this book had something to do with the "discovery" of "attachment" parenting), but since it's an ideology I'm generally sympathetic to, it didn't bug me that much.) I just HATE the entire What to Expect... series!
Alysson
I've just started to read this book, but so far I'm finding it very thought provoking. It's called, "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting" by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I would also recommend these books: "You are Your Child's First Teacher," by Rahima Baldwin Dancy and "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" by Laura Davis (I think that's the author's name!). There's also a book called "Mother Journeys: Feminists Write about Mothering," edited by Maureen T. Reddy, Martha Roth, Amy Sheldon. Lastly, "The Blue Jay's Dance: A Birth Year," by Louise Erdrich is a nice pastoral read.
Zoe
I have really enjoyed You Are Your Child's First Teacher, by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. It has a Waldorf/Rudolf Steiner slant to it, which may appeal to some and not others. I liked it because I found it supported a lot of my natural instincts and reminded me to just relax and enjoy being a mother. Some of the Steiner background was a bit much for me, but behind that I just found this to be a very sweet and nurturing book to read as I became a new mother
Alexandra
I always recommend the book, "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" by Laura Davis and Janice Keyser. This is an extremely thoughtful book with lots of strategies for parents. Most importantly, it focuses a lot on our growth as parents and encourages reflection on what we believe and why. I can't say enough good things about it.
Diana
I have very much enjoyed Penelope Leach's "Your Baby & Child", which goes up to age 5 or so. I'm also starting to get into Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline", which came highly recommended to me.
Connie
There are a couple of wonderful books that you might enjoy. One is Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. It's a combination philosophy/how-to book, but doesn't really come at parenting from one particular point of view - it's more a guide for helping you figure it out for yourself. Another is The Good Enough Parent by Bruno Bettelheim. It has more of a viewpoint and is the culmination of his lifetime of work around raising healthy children, and it is very well-written. He kind of reminds me of Mr. Rogers for parents.
Lysa
Two thoughtful books that I enjoyed are: Everyday Blessings by John and Myla Kabat-Zinn and Essence of Parenting (I think this is the title).
Karen
I loved "Child of Mine" edited by Christina Baker Kline - it's essays written by women writers about the first year of motherhood. A great gift for new moms to be, also.
Fran
Many of these books have been mentioned, but I had already typed them on my list. These are mostly non child development oriented books, and talk to the experience of parenting. I figure all parenting books must be taken with a grain of salt. Sorry if the list is long, they all have different value.Balantyne, Sheila Novel: Norma Jean the Termite Queen (ta funny, furious, totally uninhibited book about the mad housewife in all of usv) Bettelheim, Bruno A Good Enough Parent Briggs Your ChildFs Self Esteem Cabat- Zinn, John and Myra Everyday Blessings Clarke, Jean Illsley Self-Esteem: A Family Affair Cowan, Carolyn and Phil When Partners Become Parents Davis, Laura and Keyser, Janice Becoming The Parent You Want To Be Fishel, Elizabeth Family Mirrors, What Our ChildrenFs Lives Reeal About Ourselves Heffner, Elaine Mothering, The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism Johnson, Anne and Goodman, Vic The Essence of Parenting, Becoming the Parent You WAnt to Be Kaplan, Louise Oneness and Separateness:From Infant to Individual Linton, Bruce Finding Time For Fatherhood McBride, Angela Barron The Growth and Development of Mothers Neville, Helen and Halaby, Mona No Fault Parenting Swigart, Jane The Myth of the Bad Mother, Parenting Without Guilt
Sherry
Laurie Colwin has written a number of really wonderful novels with babies, children and families as themes. I'm especially fond of Goodbye Without Leaving and Family Happiness. I recently particularly enjoyed Jackie by Josie by Caroline Preston which has a toddler and family in it...As a bonus it also had an academic slant. Domestic Pleasures by Beth Gutcheon has a nice portrayal of domestic life, with teenagers and toddlers living together. This, as well as Laurie Colwin's books are set in New York, which I like. Faith Sullivan has a number of books about family life, mostly told from the child's view which are quite nicely written. I especially liked The Cape Ann. Billy Letts has a baby in Where the Heart Is but I found the book to be kind of dumb. And of course, Barbara Kingsolver's The Bean Trees and Pigs in Heaven have great kid stuff in them.
Myr (2/00)
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