Death or Illness of a Child

Support Group for Grieving Parents

Good friends of mine lost their toddler suddenly last year and, understandably, they are still having a very difficult time coping with their daily lives. I think they are covered with therapy in general, but I don't think they have found a support group for people who have been through something similar. Could anyone recommend a support group or resource in SF or East Bay for parents who lost a young child. Thank you. Concerned Friend

There are no dues or fees and all bereaved family members are welcome. There are chapters in Oakland, Walnut Creek, San Leandro, San Francisco, etc. As these families have gone through a similar experience they understand your pain. I cannot recommend them highly enough. B.

Loss of child, blame, and depression

My husband blames me for him feeling so depressed and then blames me for not wanting to be more intimate or affectionate after he has totally isolated me. We have recently suffered a horrific loss in our family (one our children) and since that loss I have done nothing but try to comfort him and myself. With that kind grief I understand wanting to blame everyone, but when it starts to be feel really abusive and mean spirited and directive, i think it has gone too far. I don't want to be treated like this on top of all that we have been through there must be better ways to cope. He is now turning to meds and alcohol as a source of comfort and like many people said going into kind of a ''man cave'' where we spend little time together and never asks me how i am doing or noticing when I am having a really hard time. It is like what i am going through is not happening. I feel so lonely and isolated that I am deciding weather spending time out of our home (separation) would be best thing for my own health... Anon Mom

Compassionate friends, which is a support group for bereaved parents, has a chapter in Oakland.

Chapter Name: TCF of Alameda County
Chapter Number: 2110
(510) 835-3579
Deanna
Meeting Info: 2nd Tuesday of the month 7:00-9:00pm Park Blvd
Presbyterian Church - 4101 Park Blvd

Please contact me if you would like to discuss it further. Best wishes

Overwhelming grief over son's death in Iraq

My relative lost her son, a Marine, in Iraq. This was two years ago. Recently, she asked me if I knew of some places or persons she could go to who would help her to work with her overwhelming grief. She lives back East but does come to the Bay Area on visits. Any suggestions that I could forward to her would be appreciated. Thank you.

Support Group for parents who have lost a child

Dear BPN members, I am a pediatrician and am writing to see if anyone knows of any support groups or therapists for parents who have lost a child. Unfortunately, I only know of some in Oakland or Berkeley, but the family lives in Tracy, but would travel to Pleasanton or Castro Valley easily. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you, Laura

My friend's baby has severe brain damage

My best friend has a 5 month old baby with fairly severe brain damage due to blood clots and stroke in utero. How this will play out in his development is unknown, and she worries about everything he does that isn't ''normal''. Her grief and anger are huge. She lives out of state and I've been trying to support her long-distance. I could use advice on anything that might help her with her grief about having an unwell child. Or might help her accept her son and whatever may happen in the future. If anyone can recommend books/resources/etc., I'd greatly appreciate it. Jennifer

Death of a Spouse

Grief Counseling at Kaiser for loss of husband

I just lost my husband unexpectedly. I am looking for recommendation for grief counseling at any of the East Bay Kaiser's? p.

Location: Richmond Medical Center

Grief and bereavement support group The loss of a loved one is one of life's most stressful events. Led by professionals, this ongoing group is for anyone suffering a loss. We discuss the grief process, knowing what to expect, and looking to the future. Drop in; every Wednesday. For more information, call Roy Gesley at (510)752-7757 for Wednesday drop-in meetings at 3:30pm or call Dakari at (510)307-1857 for Wednesday drop- in meetings at 6pm.

This class is open to the general public and there is no fee, (510)752-6390

You could also call the Oakland Kaiser psych department at742-1075 and see what they could offer in terms of individual counseling.

My heart goes out to you. Linda

Support group for young widow

I am a relatively young (40's) mother of two (5 and 7). I recently lost my husband. I have been looking for some kind of support group, but everywhere I go there are just old people. I would love to find a group that I can relate to. I live in the Lamorinda area, so something on that side of the tunnel would be ideal. Alone

There is a wonderful place called Circle of Care that provides grief support groups on Thurday evenings for both surviving spouse and for the kids. They all meet at the same time, but everyone has their own age appropriate group. It is in Oakland, but right off highway 13 and well worth checking out. Find them on the web at www.ebac.org or call their group coordinator Jess at 531-7551 x 195.

There is also a great web community called ''Young Widows'' you can check out in the middle of the night....

Good luck to you and your family during this difficult time. Stephanie

We are dealing with a life threatening illness and the prospect of loss. Being around other families has been such a relief. Call Circle of Care @ (510) 531-7551 ext.109

Therapy or Support for Loss of Spouse

I am looking for some grief support, in a group setting, for my mother who recently lost her husband unexpectedly. While she is a Christian, I think a nonreligious based group would be better. She lives in the east bay, so somewhere between Richmond and Oakland would be preferable. Please let me know if you can suggest a supportive environment of people that are going through the same heart-ache and loss. Posting or personal email are fine. Thank you for reading. K

Bereavement groups for 35 yr old widow

My husband recently passed away unexpectedly leaving me and my two young children. This has been a painful and awkward time. I have started seeing a thrapist but I think a group may be better for me. Can anyone suggest a bereavement group that may have others in a similar situation? I would also like to find something for my children. My oldest daughter has been handling it well but I would still like her to have an outlet. Thanks for your help. Grieving Family

They can also give you info for the children. Your therapist should be able to help with referrals as well. If you need more help, please contact me (I'm a social worker in a trauma unit), and have a list of agencies by county I can mail or fax you. Stephanie

I also highly recomend Howard Lunche (841-2930) as a grief councelor and Joan Monheit (845-1557) who runs a ''writing through grief'' therapy group. I also have lots of book recomendations if you are interested.

Lastly, I want to offer you my support. Talking to other young widows was so healing for me. I know how hard it is to reach out. If you want you can have a friend call me with your number and I will call you.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Its a very difficult journey but I promise you that it does get easier. Take Care Stacia

Support for young mother who lost her husband

Does anyone know of a loss of spouse support group for parents of young children? My friend's husband passed away a few months ago, just before their only child turned one. I would like to help her find some other parents with similar losses for support. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. We live in the San Lorenzo area. Rachel

I would also suggest calling the closest Hospice VNA to you. I'm in a partner loss group through them that has helped me tremendously even though I'm by far the youngest person in the group. They do have a younger group but it meets at night and its easier for me to find childcare during the day. I go to the group in Oakland in Rockridge. I don't know if there are groups in San Lorenzo.

I would also suggest getting a good grief counselor. I used Howard Lunche (510-841-2930) and I recommend him highly.

I hope all of this information at once isn't too overwhelming. Thank you so much for helping your friend in this way. She's going to need a lot of support.

Please give her my email address. Talking with other young widows has been very nourishing for me. If she wants, give me her number when she's ready and I'll call her. I know making the call myself was sometimes just too much. Take care and know that its a long and difficult journey but it does change- it won't always be this hard.

Grief support for young mother

I'm writing on behalf of my next door neighbor with a two year old daughter whose husband was recently killed riding his bicycle to work. She is very interested in talking with other parents who have lost partners while their children were young. Does anyone know of a grief support group and/or individuals who have been through this experience who she can talk with, commiserate with, get some perspective. Any ideas or referrals welcome. Thanks in advance - Julie

Children Coping with Loss

Grief Specialist for 4 year old who lost her dad

In an unexpected and sudden way, my husband died overnight. As much of a nightmare as this has been for me, I am mostly concerned for my 4 year old daughter who was ''daddy's little girl'' and spent allot of quality time with him, especially after the arrival of her baby brother (now 6 months old). Last night she was playing a new game, ''trapping'' her voice in playdo containers and closing the lid. Listening to what she was putting in there, one container held the following: ''Daddy died. Mommy's heart has my love. Daddy died because of me.'' Close lid. Of course, I immediately followed with saying that it wasn't her fault at all, that it was an accident, etc. But I am worried for her. Looking for warm and loving therapists who would be able to assist. Play based preferred. Any advice is also welcome. Broken & Concerned

I would also suggest that you might find it helpful to see him yourself. I found it to be a key part of getting through these past months. His number is 510-841-2930; his office is in central Berkeley. Feel free to contact me through the moderator if you would like to talk more. Newly widowed

''East Bay Agency for Children offers one of the nation's few programs providing counseling and support services to children and their families where a parent, caregiver or family member has died or is living with a life threatening illness.''

They are an amazing organization doing great, specialized work. All the best to you and your daughter during this very difficult time. Heather

When my daughter was 4 I started taking her to see therapist Sara Brose, PHd. She is play-based and wonderful. I met with her as well and she helped me understand how to support my daughter and talk to her about her loss.

I also strongly suggest that you get support yourself. You know the old ''put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting your child'' advise is valid. Howard Lunche, a grief counselor, was very helpful putting my grief process into perspective. His number is 510-841-2930. I also did a wonderful ''writing through grief'' workshop with Joan Monheit. Her number is (510) 845-1557. She also sees individual clients. Take good care. stacia

Bereavement help for 11 year old

Hello, a friend of mine lost her 17 yo on in a freak accident last month. She is seeking support for her remaining son who is 11. Does anyone know of a gifted counselor or group in San Francisco that could help this family deal with their loss? She is having difficulty finding someone. Thanks.

We are a community based grief and loss support program for children and families. We offer evening support groups for children and caregivers as well as individual and family counseling. Our mission is to support grieving children and we have been doing so for almost 30 years.

A newer program in the City you might also pass on the info for is Josie's Place. I don't know specifically what programs they have up and runing but they are also a grief support provider for kids. 415-513-6343 Grief and Loss provider

Grief support for 10-year-old - father's suicide

I am looking for a grief support group in or near Berkeley. My daughters father committed suicide two weeks ago. We have been seperated for five years but were on good terms. My daughter is 10. I called suicide prevention but they don't deal with grief. I have called many numbers and a: got no return call (800)260-0094 b: number out of service c: told suicide is too specific. We are having a hard time due to the violence of his death. I am waiting for my daughters school to refer a psychologist but am interested in a group of others who have this unfortunate experience. Alta Bates refered Pathways but haven't been able to get through yet. I keep calling numbers that are refered and then they refer and on only to be told finally that they don't deal with suicide or better yet they do but in Los Angeles. Does anyone have RECENT experience and phone numbers? Having a hard time

I felt very fortunate to find the East Bay Agency for Children's Circle of Care program. They conduct free biweekly support groups for families who have experienced a loss. It was good for my kids to be exposed to others who had also been through a loss. A 10-year-old would have been right within the ages covered. They had kids from around 4 through 11 or 12 as I recall. I, too, found it really helpful to talk to other parents about the experience of grieving with kids. They meet in the evenings and serve pizza, and do ask for contributions to defray the food cost. They conducted the children's and parents' sessions concurrently. They are located in Oakland, and many Berkeley families participate. Here is a link:

http://www.ebac.org/programs/circle/index.asp

My other thought is to contact hospices in the Berkeley area. They also often provide family grief support groups (there is one in Dublin that I am aware of (Hope Hospice).

I don't know if you have a counselor for your daughter, but I also highly recommend Jan Dombrower, but she is in Hayward (510) 537-8630) and that might be a bit far for you. Grief counseling for children is one of her specialties, and she was very helpful to me and my children after their loss. A couple nice things she did for them: worked with them to create ''memory'' boxes where they could store small items that remind them of their dad. And one day they decorated helium balloons for their dad and then released them into the sky.

Again, my deepest sympathies. Ellen

Therapist for 9-year-old's anxiety/grief

My 9 year old son needs a therapist for anxiety/grief. I would like to find someone in the Albany, Berkeley or El Cerrito area. I have been given the following names by our insurance. Please let me know your experiences with these people and if you have others to recommend. Leni Siegel, Robeta Stern, Roberta Schear, Richard Bloom, Meshulam Plaves. OK to email privately. Sue

Editor Note: Emily Weaver is now in private practice.

Support Group for teens who have lost a parent

My 17-year-old stepdaughter lost her mother to cancer two years ago, and while she is a strong and courageous young woman who is healing well, she might benefit from some peer support. Does anyone know of a support group for teens who have lost parents? Thanks! Amy

Alta Bates Comprehensive Cancer Center would also be a good resource: they offer a variety of support groups. Phone: (510) 204-1591.

Therapist for grieving children

My husband recently passed away. Does anyone have any recommendations for a therapist/counselor who could advise me on how to deal with my children and their questions and grief? While they have seen therapists, the verbalized issues about their father seem to arise only when they are with me. Thanks.

[Editor] as of March 2004: Crisis Support Services of Alameda County (800) 309-2131 24-hour crisis line Crisis Support Services of Alameda County (800) 309-2131 24-hour crisis line http://www.crisissupport.org/

Death of a Parent or Family Member

Bereavement Group for Young Adults?

I am a 22 year old woman whose father passed away several years ago. I am looking for recommendations for a grief counseling/support group for young adults, especially for those who have lost parents. I know that one-on-one counseling would be helpful, but I don't have the means for that right now, and I know that many support groups are low cost or free. Any suggestions? Thanks! Looking for understanding

Need a Therapist Near UC Berkeley for Grief Issues

I would like to find a female therapist with the United Behavior Network insurance who can help me deal with my grief at having lost three close family members in a year and a half, all of whom lived about three hours away. I am now linked, against my will, to an addict brother who has gotten a nasty attorney and is handling the probate as administrator. I would prefer someone close to the south side of campus so I can walk to appointments. I prefer someone who is insightful and no-nonsense. No new age-y stuff for me. The one therapist that was recommended to me is not taking new Berkeley patients. Thank you!

Therapist for grief and family dysfunction

At the age of 54, my mother is unfortunately weeks to days away from death. I always imagined that all of our family **issues** would spontaneously evaporate if someone died. Unfortunately, the family dysfunction has increased manifold. I am not sure which is greater: my grief for my mother's impending death, my disappointment and horror at the behavior at a couple of my siblings who live with her and do little to nothing to help her, the realization that my parents really actually dislike each other and death is not going to change that, or the fact that my father's only method of dealing with emotion is to become explosively angry. In any case, I need to talk to someone SOON....Am looking for a good therapist to help me cope. If they take Blue Shield insurance, that's even better. Thank you. Death doesn't change things...

Struggling with loss of mother

My partner (female 56) lost her mother late last year and is really struggeling with the constant pain of that loss. She would like to find a greif group that is facilatated by a therapist. Or, she would like to hear from others who have struggled with the loss of their mother and how to begin to move past it.

Grief Counseling for loss of my Mother

My mother recently passed away. Can anyone recommend a grief counselor in the East Bay? I would be interested in seeing someone who is also great with working with family dynamics. Thank you anon

More Questions

Support for parent dealing with grief

Does anyone have advice about how to get support as a parent dealing with grief (I am irritable, sad, distracted)? I'm particularly interested in how to meet up with others going through this, and finding out what's available right now in the East Bay. Thanks! Anonymous

Grief counselor needed for recent traumas

I need to find a grief counselor for some recent traumas, The following names were recommended to me. Does anybody know anything about the following counselors?

I think grief is a very, very specific issue, and to be honest, I don't know how many therapists are really qualified to deal with it. My father's death and dying affected every facet of my life. My husband attended the class, and it gave him a better understanding of why I was feeling and behaving the way I was. I am forever indebted to Howard and I cannot say enough good things about him.

By the way, I was seeing another therapist while my father was dying as well as for awhile after he died. I wish I had met Howard sooner, as I am convinced it would have helped me to have a more meaningful experience. The other therapist was not equipped to help me, but what was unfortunate, is that she did not have the humanity nor the professionalism to admit this to me. I wasted precious time with my father that I can never retrieve.