Berkeley Parents Network: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Berkeley Parents Network

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Berkeley Parents Network > Reviews > Health & Medical > Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Questions

Normal behavior or OCD? 4-year-old
My mother is a compulsive hoarder
Signs of OCD in 3.5 yr old?
My mom's compulsive hoarding
10-year-old with OCD refuses meds or therapy
2.9 y old obsessive behavior
9-year-old with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive-compulsive teenager
3-year-old and obsessive counting
3-year-old with o.c. behaviors
Is this Normal for a 2-year-old?

Normal behavior or OCD? 4-year-old

Aug 2006

My four-and-a-half year old daughter has some quirky arranging behaviors that are beginning to make me wonder if she has obsessive-compulsive tendencies. She will create elaborate ''displays'' of toys and objects all around the house. This in and of itself is not a concern, but there are some problems. For example, when it comes time to clean up, she totally falls apart. Once she created a display on my aerobics step bench. When I moved it so that I could excercise she had a complete breakdown and I couldn't calm her down for more than an hour. She was screaming that I was a ''yucky mommy'' and then started repeating ''Come back! Come back!'' about her display. I tried to solve the problem by setting up some small tables for her to arrange things on which I promise I won't touch, but if a playdate comes over and picks up an object from the display or the cat jumps up and knocks over something, she loses it. She will demand that it be put back ''just the way it was''. She is otherwise a very easy-going and sweet girl. I know that there are OCDs that are characterized by this sort of thing, but I wonder if it's actually normal behavior. Anyone else experience this?
Yucky Mommy

I have OCD and I also have a four year old. My daughter does the same thing with the elaborate arrangements of dolls and objects all over the house. I don't think it is OCD related though. What you are describing would be the compulsion part of obsessive/compulsive behavior. The compulsion helps relieve the anxiety one gets from the obsession...whatever that may be. Does your daughter suffer from anxiety? The OCFoundation is a good place to research this condition. http://ocfoundation.org/ I have no idea if this behavior is OCD related in your child. It is a complex disorder and can't necessarily be diagnosed by just one behavior. If after reading more you feel that your daughter may need an evaluation please make sure you see a Cognitive Behavioral therapist who specializes in OCD. I can tell you from personal experience that traditional psychotherapy is not helpful at all for OCD.
OCDer

I'm not sure about the elaborate displays, but I do know that 4-year-olds can display some really out-there behavior. My son, who had been a really nice, gentle, easy-going kid (and is back to being one now, thank goodness!) went through a phase when every time he was the least bit irritated, he started hitting and kicking me; screaming like a banshee when I put him in time out because of the hitting; if I was in the room with him, he told me to go away, if I left he begged me to come back -- and then yelled at me to go away when I did come back -- in other words, having complete and total fits about (next to) nothing. So you may just be experiencing 4-year-old irrationality and complete inability to control emotions.
Karen

My mother is a compulsive hoarder

May 2006

I am hoping to find a therapist for my mother. She is a horder and compulsive shopper. If she has a dollar she will spend it on stuff that clogs her house. She also ignores bills and now is having her wages garnished and utilities shut off. I read a great book about obsessive/complusive horders a few years ago (and now can't remember the title). In it the doctor says you can't just clean out a person's house because they have very physical/emotional reactions. He says the best solution is to have a therapist who understands the problem and can actually visit the home with the patient and talk about what the stuff is covering. The book described my mom perfectly and I know that she gets really uptight if she thinks you would throw anything away. Her house is minimally functional and we need help soon. Struggling daughter

I found reading this book helpful in understanding the problem with my mother: Overcoming compulsive hoarding : why you save & how you can stop / by Fugen Neziroglu, Jerome Bubrick, Jose A. Yaryura- Tobias Now, I just have to do something about it! Good luck, this is a tough problem anon

A dear friend of mine began as a compulsive shopper, progressed to a hoarder and now is living in second degree squalor. There's a website that describes this condition and may be of some help to you. One thing I read was of children who had cleaned out their parents' homes SEVENTEEN times, only to find that their parents regressed again. The site is squalorsurvivors.com and there is another for children of hoarders which doesn't apply to you as you are an adult, but may have good resources its called childrenofhoarders.com. I wish you well friend of a hoarder

Signs of OCD in 3.5 yr old?

April 2006

Our oldest child, a 3.5 year old girl, is extremely particular about things to the point of being obessessive. For example, she will spend forever complaining that her chair is not pushed in exactly the right amount, or that her sink stool is not the exact right distance from the sink. She has to use a certain fork when she eats and everything has to be arranged on her plate the exact same way. We need to say good night in exact same way each night (and blow her a kiss from the same distance from her bed), etc etc. Or else she has a tantrum. Hopefully, this post will generate a lot of responses along the lines of, ''This is all perfectly normal for her age, etc.'' but we thought we'd see what folks thought. Or if anyone had any suggestions. Thanks. T

All kids go through periods where the world has to be ''just so'' or they need to have things exacly their way. What you are describing does sound a bit excessive to me in a 3.5-year-old, but not alarmingly so. The real issue is how her concerns/demands are impairing your life and hers. Is it a couple of times a day or ''constantly''? How often does she tantrum when things aren't as she would like? If she is in school, do the teachers notice similar behaviors? Does it impact her ability to make friends and to learn? If you are concerned that her preoccupation with having things a certain way is really getting in the way of her relationships, enjoyment of life, and learning, then you should discuss your concerns with your pediatrician or find a child psychologist. Liz O.

I know that you are hoping for reassurance ... but your posting tells me that your daughter might eventually need to be evaluated for OCD.

You can begin by observing how other parents and kids your daughter's age act socially: Do other mothers gush about taking their little girls out and showing them off, while you may not feel you can? Have you and your partner changed the way you interact with the world? Can you go out in public without fear of a tantrum? Can you leave her with a new babysitter? Can you distract her from the troubling behaviors with toys, stories, food, promises? Is motherhood much, much more stressful for you than it seems to be for other moms?

In our case, our pediatrician urged a psychiatric evaluation early on, not knowing that it would lead to a diagnosis of OCD. Eventually we got that diagnosis, and last year when my child was ten we tried therapy (unsuccessfully). We are now using medication, and it appears to be having some of the desired effects.

If your daughter has OCD, it's not the end of the world ... but it takes a terrible toll on families and can ostracize you from a network of ''normal'' families whose kids don't need constant reassurances and whose tantrums are normal. Read some books about OCD and visit the OCD Foundation's website to see how your daughter's behavior measures up against symptoms.

Best of luck. Mom of OCD kid

My mom's compulsive hoarding

June 2005

My mother has always been a packrat, but since my sister & I moved away and she moved to a smaller house, things have gotten out of hand. Moving through the house is becoming difficult because of piles of stuff. Going through old papers is very painful for her, but because of her refusal to do so, or let others do it, there are financial and legal problems. We can only visit about once a year because of distance and there is no-one else around to help. Any suggestions? anon

i have an aunt who does the same. unfortunately she livs in a gigantic 4 bedroom house. there's literally a path through the house and up the stairs. either side of the path is at least 6 feet high piles of stuff. she won't let us help her clean it out either. and she's a chain smoker!!

i talked to a therapist and she said it's a kind of obsessive compulsive disorder that some older folks get.

we're still trying to figure out what do to help her. it's a tough problem because they don't think there's a problem. my aunt really thinks she needs to keep all those papers and bags of who knows what.

there are probablly advocates for the elderly in her community. maybe you can start there. good luck

Do you think your mom would be open to hiring a professional organizer/occasional assistant to help her go through her papers, say, once a month to make sure that everything gets cleared and paid, etc? I wonder if she'd be more open to ''professional'' help than help from a family member. I've done organizing with people, and have been surprised to learn that people will often feel more comfortable having a perfect stranger help them than they would getting help from a partner, child, or other close person. Maybe the distance of that person helps them feel more able to ''let go'' of the clutter. If I can help, let me know - Gal

You didn't mention your mom's age or if she hoards other objects (other than paper), making her house unlivable. JIf you mother is older it might be a symptom of dementia or she may have an anxiety disorder that is beyond her control. JDoes she realize how out-of-control her circumstances are ? JIf not, you may have an uphill battle to get her help. JIf you feel the situation is dire, you might want to contact social services. JThey have people trained to assess situations like hers and suggest ways in which your mom can get help. JA social worker might also be able check in on your mom which is something you can't do because of the distance. Best of luck to you. -anon

Members of my mother's family are/were compulsive hoarders, who never really got the help they needed. I'm always on the lookout for signs of hoarding in my immediate family as well. The following was an interesting story on the radio awhile ago, and has other resources listed. Good luck. http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1920203 Anon.

10-year-old with OCD refuses meds or therapy

Jan 2005

My ten-year-old daughter suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). She is adamantly opposed to being medicated and will not talk with a counselor.

I am searching for two things: (1) a homeopathic approach (I think I can convince her to try a ''natural'' approach if I can find something helpful); and (2) a support group.

The best support group would be specifically for her, with other kids. The next best support group would be for parents of OCD sufferers. I attended a support group that consisted of adult sufferers, and although it was an enormous help to be with people who understood the condition, I didn't really feel that I could get the kind of support I need as a parent.

So many of my friends and colleagues read this listserve that I cannot, out of respect for my daughter's privacy, include my name ... but if there is some way to hook up with other parents, I would be sooooo grateful. Parent of OCD Sufferer

Homeopathy works well for this kind of thing. Christine Ciavarella (P.A.) at the Hahnemann Medical Clinic, 524-3117 Bonnie

My daughter also suffers from OCD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is helping her learn how to manage it. She was getting no where with the once a week therapy and just going was causing her more anxiety. She attended an intensive program last summer at the Anxiety Center of Northern California, which really helped her. I would be happy to talk to you about it. I would be interested in a support group for parents, although I do not know of any existng groups. js

Frances Kalfus, L.Ac, OMD, is an experienced, classically trained homeopath who has a nice way with children and is particularly sensitive to psychological issues. I have been very impressed with the efficacy of her treatment. Dr. Kalfus can be reached at her North Berkeley office, 558-1911. Best of luck with your daughter. Jane

2.9 y old obsessive behavior

March 2004

My 2.9 yr. old daughter who always has been a very stubborn little girl, increasingly worries me with her strange behavior. This has been going on and seems to have gotten worse over the last 2 weeks. I can’t really pinpoint what might have triggered it. For example: she does not want me to let the water out after her bath; suddenly wants to go home when we are in a social situation and frantically begins to gather everything and cleans up while she cries “I want to go home”; does not want her sister to take off the sticker inside her shoe that has the size on it and starts to cry “don’t take that off, don’t take that off” almost as if it would hurt her if she did; does not want anyone to stay outside of our house when we are talking to our neighbors; does not want her sister to go and play in the backyard: does not want to open her lunch bag to have a snack….and more. When in a situation like this she gets a huge tantrum and looks very fearful and once it is over is a perfectly normal toddler. The tantrums are resolved either because I somehow manage to distract her or by giving in. I started her in a small daycare/preschool last fall but had to take her out after 3 months since she did not seem ready and kept on asking/crying for me. It seemed the right thing to do. She also does not nap during the day and has not done that in about 8 months. But sleeps 12 hours at night (usually waking up at least once). She likes to be very funny and surprises us often with her smart observations and sentences. I also have a 5 y old but she was a completely different toddler. Did any of you have a similar experience or any solutions/ advice if this is just a phase or normal behavior or something more worrisome? worried mom I don't have any advice for you, but I could easily picture my son (about the same age) doing every single one of the ''strange'' things you describe your daughter doing. So either we both have weird kids, or (more likely) all this behavior is within the range of normal for that age. This is my first child, and although he's certainly challenging at times, I figure that's just how toddlers are. Mother of weird (?) toddler

I hesitate to say ''don't worry about it, it's normal,'' because of your deep concern, but I did want to mention that my very good-natured son, about the same age, does a lot of the same kinds of things (not as extreme, but he's always had an ''easy'' temperament). Doesn't want his shoes on, doesn't want his clothes changed, gets angry if I close a closet door that he wanted to close, insists on certain toys being put away in a certain place -- essentially, wants control over lots of things in his environment. My sense from the list you gave is that that may be what's up with your daughter. My understanding is that the control issue is very big with toddler/preschooler children about this age, and I find that my son is much easier to work with if I offer him control wherever I can (e.g. allow him to put his toys away where HE wants them to go, open closed doors so that he can close them, and so on). You might try this strategy with your daughter and see if it helps; if it does, perhaps you will be less concerned. Karen

I have a daughter who reacted very similarly to things as you describe, when she was 2-3 years old. This behavior is a bit obsessive, and can be very difficult for those around the child. Our daughter has grown up to be quite a perfectionist and most times this is not a problem, and actually has made her a very good student. She has definite opinions about how things should be done- and she is a bit ''controlling,'' but she has learned to curb some of these impulses, and has even told me ''you can't control what other people do,'' when I've complained about how other people act. (Gee- I wonder where she got it.) However, it was important for her to learn that she cannot control everything. She had to learn to ''let go'' sometimes, roll with things a bit more... I definitely don't think it's a good idea to give in to her tantrums, in hopes this will go away- it will not. If anything it may get worse, and you'll have a very controlling 8 or 10 year old on your hands one day, trying to boss everyone around and expecting everything to be done her way. You have to be willing to endure the crying and know that in the long run, there is a larger goal. Be kind, but firm. Try to get her to calmly state what she wants, and don't respond to hysterics. Be assured, the world will not fall apart if the sticker comes out of her shoe. And she will see that, if you show her. She WILL be able to get through this eventually, and it will make everyone's life easier. Good luck! been there

Sounds like my just turned 3 year old. He gets upset with strangers coming into our house (sometimes but not always), or with people coming up and talking to us (even people he likes sometimes) or if I take a sticker off, etc. etc. It's hard to tell if your daughter is more extreme in her reaction but it sounds within normal spectrum to me. Some of my son's friends have bits of this and some don't. I think it's a variant of normal or at least I hope....We try to indulge him sometimes (let a bandaid say on for a week or the sticker in the shoe) and other times be matter of fact about the fact that it has to be otherwise (bandaid has to come off after a week for a bath, neighbors have to talk to us) and comfort him in his crying fear &/or frustration tantrum, but not give in. hope that helps. am there mama

9-year-old with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Feb 2004

My nine-year-old daughter had a psychiatric evaluation which resulted in a diagnosis of OCD. She is bright, vibrant, good in school, etc. However, she has terrible fits of rage when she can't control certain rituals or when her expectations are not met. This is quite different from feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger, and so on. What I need is ... a support group. For her, for me, for both of us, for the whole family! We have a tradition of not going anywhere, really, because of her reaction to new and unexpected things (she doesn't adapt easily when under stress). She relies on me for comfort and for support and not at all on her dad, because he seems to just ''not get it.'' I want for her to have therapy, but it will have to be when she is willing, which is not quite yet. I would like for ME to have therapy, but right now I don't know where to turn for a good recommendation. But for immediately, what I would desperately love would be to have access to other parents who are dealing on a daily basis with this very special-needs kind of kid. If you're alone with no recommendation and want to talk, I would love to arrange for that, too. Thanks. Exhausted mom

I have a high-schooler who was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 12. Treatment has been both therapy as well as medication with many ups and downs. It has been hard because I am always torn between protecting my child's privacy while needing support for myself. I would be happy to share some of my experiences with you. I do not know of a support group but would love to hear of any. Mom who has been there

Sorry you are dealing with this. Has your daughter been evaluated for medication? This can be very helpful with OCD. For a support group I recommend calling HELPLINK at 1 800 273 6222...they have a huge database of support groups in the Bay area. You also might try calling west coast childrens clinic in El Cerrito or Ann Martins in Oakland. They may offer or know of groups. Another idea is calling the adolescent psych unit at Herricks (Alta Bates) as a social worker there may know of a group. Or, do a GOOGLE Search on OCD & look for a support organization & try to find a local link. Good luck, Bay area psychologist

Obsessive-compulsive teenager

Feb 2004

My teenage son shows signs of obsessive-compulsive behavior. At first, it wasn't so noticeable, but lately, he is becoming worse. For example, he is always late for school because he is obsessed with washing his hands and face. And he normally doesn't get enough sleep because he takes so long to prepare to go to sleep, like taking extra long showers and brushing teeth, etc. Does anyone know any reasonable, good therapist in the area who treats this sickness? Also, my son does not think anything is wrong with his behavior and gets angry when we try to talk to him about it. We would appreciate any advice given. Thanks a lot. anon

I am a psychologist and from a description of symptoms, it does sound like your son might have OCD. The best approach to treating the disorder is a combination of medication AND therapy. The best type of specialist to see is someone who can prescribe the medications (very effective and helpful ones are now available)and recommend the right type of therapist. Usually, a pediatrician will have the names of the more behavioral pediatric specialists in our area who are used to seeing adolescents with this problem....it is not surprising he is defensive about it; instead of focusing on the symptoms (i.e., hand washing, etc), focus on how the specialist will help him keep within the framework of his life, i.e., being on time for school, for example. anon

Please check out the book ''The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing'' by Judith Rappaport,M.D. for a great description and case study examples about OCD. It's in paperback, and very interesting and easy to read (for you and your son). If he has OCD, he will be able to relate to the stories in the book, and hopefully to realize this is a brain-based disorder, and not something within his conscious control or something to be ashamed of. The treatment of OCD begins with SSRI medication (like Prozac, Zoloft, etc), rather than psychotherapy. Your primary care physician might be able to make a recommendation to a psychiatrist for you, as of course you need to establish the diagnosis before starting treatment. Kathleen Toups, M.D.

3-year-old and obsessive counting

April 2003

My three and a half year old won't stop counting in sets of threes. At first, we were proud of his counting ability. But for the past two months, he insists on counting in particular patterns before he can continue with ordinary things. For example, before we clip him into his carseat he says, ''Wait!'' then he counts 1-2-3 on the right hand then 1-2-3 on the left and 1-2-3 on the right again then says ''OK, now you can clip me in.'' The patterns are getting increasingly complex but continue to hold patterns of 3.

We have tried to urge him to count in different patterns. He will do it for fun, but falls back into 3's again. I have thought about modifying his diet and tried to get him to eat turkey (which I have heard might be good for him). But all he wants to eat is sugar. We are pretty stringent about sugar in our house. Most of what we eat is organic produce, tofu, organic grains of a variety and beans. He will go for a few days only eating a little bits here and there (mostly breads, juice and soy milk) and then he will binge on proteins or veggies in one sitting.

At what point should we start to be concerned about about his behavior? Has anyone tried a natropath or homeopath to address something like this? Marty

I am not sure why you would think that this behavior has anything to do with what your son is eating. I am not a medical professional, but having struggled my whole life with what I believe are symptoms of mild obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), some of which manifest themselves in the same way as your son (counting by threes), I would say that these are some classic signs, and I would definitely consult a pediatrican about them. Any treatment you can begin now would probably help your son combat this disease, if this is what he has. I know there are also many good web sites that could give you more information on this topic, including how early symptoms may appear. I wish you the best with this. Anon.

You mention a couple of things in your message, one of which (his eating patterns) is not at all unusual for a toddler, and one of which (his counting patterns) does sound a bit odd. As far as the eating patterns go, many toddlers do seem to eat only very small amounts at many meals, eat only a limited number of foods, and/or eat only one really ''meal-size'' meal in any given day. However, as your post seems to indicate, if you watch kids over the course of a couple of weeks, they'll get a balanced diet if it's offered to them -- and you do mention that your child will eat lots of protein or veggies at some meals. The only thing I'd probably do is cut way back on the juice; it has lots of sugar and is missing some of the best parts of the fruit from which it comes -- the fiber and some of the nutrients. In terms of the counting behavior, that sounds a little more complicated. Rather than simply looking for a dietary change or homeopathic ''remedy,'' I'd probably have my child looked at by a pediatric behavior expert (ask your pediatrician about it), just to make sure this wasn't a sign of something more serious. Karen

3-year-old with o.c. behaviors

June 2002

I am a stay at home mom of twin three year old boys. One of my sons is very sensitive in ways that range from immediately changing his clothes if he gets a drop of water on them, to affectionate hugs and kisses, to really getting attached to children 4-5 years older than him who pay special attention to him, to having hightened visual and tactile senses.

A few examples of his obsessions are:

* Whenever a present is being wrapped in the house, he insists on carrying it around, sleeping with it, and basically owning it until it is given to the intended recipient. He loves to wrap his own toys and pretend they are presents. If his twin gets a hold of one and opens it, he becomes very irrational and extremely upset - basically a tantrum ensues until i can tape the paper back together and make it look newly wrapped again.

* He has gone through periods where he carries around and sleeps with videos (even though he does not particularly want to watch them), which must be in the proper case, and when he finds a case missing the video he obsesses over the missing tape until it is replaced. If his brother takes the tape out he screams until it is returned to the case.

* Today we were leaving my sisters house and he insisted on taking a extra scrap piece of wrapping paper and when he could not also take another piece for his twin he spent the next 10 minutes in the car whining and complaining that he did not get his brother a piece of paper. His brother was oblivious and totally uninterested in the paper.

It is often his extreme thoughtfulness and attention to detail as well as persistance and insistance that makes it a difficult situation to remedy calmly. He gets very attached to things as he does to some people, and likes routine and predictability. Much of these behaviors make him quite endearing, but i am beginning to wonder if some of his obsessive behaviors that result from him being so sensitive should be of concern to me, and whether or not i can expect him to outgrown his obsessions.

Clearly these are signs of a sensitive, spirited child and most of the time I understand and embrace that about him, but it would be helpful to know if other people have experienced these behaviors and the strategies they use for dealing with them. anon

My son has similar behaviors and at about 3 1/2, we had him assessed through the school district, Kaiser and Regional Center to find out that he has an autism spectrum disorder. I would encourage you to get him assessed as soon as possible. It may not be autism-related but it could be another disorder that they could start therapy for. lw

dear anon, i can somewhat sympathize and have been contemplating my own request for advice from the ucparents. my 4-year old has such a range of behaviour. it reminds me of an old nursery rhyme about when he's good, he's very, very good; but when he's bad, he's horrid.

other people usually see his sweet, gentle, loving side. at preschool, the teachers love him! he is obedient and happy. it took along time for him to adjust to being there, but now he's comfortable there.

i get to see all sides of him, sometimes within minutes! there are times (usually 2-3 times a day) that i have to tread lightly as to not upset him, because when he gets that way, we both go nuts! when he gets focused on something (an object, an activity, a food item), it is impossible to refuse him without his blowing up! here's an example: when i pick him up from school, i try to bring a little snack. sometimes it is too little and he demands more (which i don't have). i try to reason with him that there is NOTHING to offer, but he keeps pushing and eventually will burst out crying, kicking and screaming! it sucks the life right out of me. sometimes he wants to watch a video and when i say no, he can go from zero to sixty right away.

he sometimes is so sweet. he takes care of his sister and ''reads'' to her. he nursed a beetle back to health. he hugs and kisses me repeatedly. he loves to be helpful sometimes (washing the car, picking weeds...).

but, not a day goes by that he doesn't have a fussy episode or some sort. i get so frazzled by this! reasoning does not work even when we wait until he has calmed down. maybe he's too young to reason.

i have tried to justify his behaviour using environmental forces (nature vs. nuture), but maybe this is him. i don't know if we should continue to ''walk on eggshells'' to prevent these episodes, or if he just has to learn the hard way that things don't always go his way.

i, too, don't know if i should be more concerned than i already am. i have read the spirited child book, and my son is definitely spirited in some of those categories (intense, perceptive, sensitive). but i wonder if there's anything else to it. i don't know how OCD ties in with this all. there's a fine between being focused and being obsessed.

i constantly tell my son that i love him, and sometimes he asks me if i do. i use positive reinforcement when i see good behaviour, but he seems to forget. i tell him if i am proud of him, and i tell him when i am not proud of his behaviour (in which case he says ''don't say that!''). it is very draining to have to deal with the bad times, but i am hopeful that we can find better ways.

i am looking forward to reading other responses to your post.

sincerely, a spirited kid's mother

Someone just posted about a kid who behaves beautifully in public but then falls apart at home. Oh, that brings back memories!

I remember asking the preschool teacher if ours had tantrums there, and she looked puzzled, said no, he was totally cooperative and helpful. And then her face cleared and she explained that the ''good'' ones in public are often holding back and need to let their emotions and stress out at home.

He still does that a little, but he's a lot calmer now, at 11 1/2. So yours may grow out it too. Avi Rappoport

This is regarding a parent who responded to the above topic.

You say, 'i tell him if i am proud of him, and i tell him when i am not proud of his behaviour (in which case he says ''don't say that!'').'

He doesn't want you to tell him that you're not proud of his behavior, because he isn't either. He doesn't want to act that way. Therefore, your job is to help him learn to control himself, not just eliminate behavior. He needs you to help him learn to modulate his responses. How? That's the challenge!

I'd talk with him about it. I'd give the phenomenon a name(disassembled?)and tell him that that's the way some kids react to disappointment and that he will learn to respond differently as he grows and you will help him.

Then after an incident I'd say, ''You really disassembled there. Did you feel it coming? What happened just before?''

Another time I'd help him think of other ways he could respond and suggest that next time he feels it coming, he could try one of them. You could even practice: ''I'm sorry, that's all the snack I brought,'' and he could say, ''I'm starving--I wish I had more,'' etc.

Then just reinforce any positive steps you see, even if at first it's only a delay in the reaction, or trying an alternate behavior.

Good luck with this -- it can work with many situations for many years. Barbara

I have been writing to this newsletter since my son, now 3.75, was less than two, about various behaviors that seemed ''extreme'' or disturbing, including frequent tantrums, biting at school that nothing seemed to allay, crazy reactions to simple medications like decongestants, etc. Finally, about a month ago, I accepted that there wasn't a person who'd interacted with my son who didn't find him both wonderful (happy, intense, passionate, loving, curious, etc.) and challenging (obsessive, reactive, impulsive, etc.) I am in the process now of trying to determine what the best way to help him is. The therapist we've begun to see is sure he is ADHD. I, having read about Sensory Integration Dysfunction, know he is the poster child for it. If you read Stanley Greenspan's book, ''The Challenging Child,'' his picture might as well be next to the oppositional/impulsive child. There are those who think I should put him on Ritalin now. Others say he'll grow out of it. What I am getting out of all of this is that it's far too early to decide on a specific diagnosis because it IS hard to tell with a child who isn't even four how much is developmental delay and how much is going to stick with him and be a problem forever. I have chosen not to worry about labels and certainly not to consider medication at this point. I am just seeking the best help for him I can, for what's happening now. I have gone to my school district to get him assessed, but they are taking so long I decided to use my insurance to get him assessed privately. Again, I'm not looking for a diagnosis so much as immediate help with his most difficult issues. So many of these syndromes mimic or parallel each other--SID kids can look like ADHD and OCD kids. Who cares what the label is? Just seek out the help you need and don't let anyone tell you what you should do if it doesn't feel right to you. There's plenty of time to put a name to his issues, and who knows, maybe Susan

You might benefit from reading ''Raising your Spirited Child'' by Kurcinka. This book really helped me a lot. Sounds like you may have one! Good luck A lucky Mom

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