How do you tell if you are depressed?

Hello, I am extremely embarrassed about asking for advice on this, but here it goes. I am a SAHM to 2 wonderful children, a girl 8 years and a boy almost 4 years. Quite often, I experience crying jags--or, right now, I feel like I am in a fog and barely functioning. At least a few times a week I just feel downright blue. My husband tried to give me a pep talk the other day and told me that I needed to be strong. The worst is that I absolutely hate feeling sorry for myself, which makes me even feel more guilty. I feel like I should be enjoying staying home with my children and not wasting my time feeling so down. I also hate to admit this, but although I love my husband tremendously, sometimes his temper and bad moods rub me the wrong way. On the weekends I am scared that he will all of sudden snap at me. A few times he has thrown things (he didn't hurt anyone though) and one time he punched a hole in the wall. He has never hit a person though and is normally a very loving husband and father. So, I am curious. How does one determine if one is actually depressed. I read that you need to feel consistently depressed? I guess I am just so scared of taking any medications. Thank you anon

And things don't sound good with your husband--worrying that he's going to snap at you or punch holes in the wall sounds very stressful and could certainly be a factor in your depression. I have to wonder what's going on with him that he's sometimes loving and sometimes so angry. Counseling could help you figure out what's going on here, as it sounds complicated. Sympathetic

Also sounds as if your husband has a serious anger management issue. That may be making your depression even worse. I also read hints that you have unacknowledged fears that at some point he might hit something other than the wall. Talk therapy may give you a more insight into coping with his behavior.

My experience: 1) Untreated depression is terrible and interferes with everything in your life; 2) it can be very frightening to a child to have a mother who has untreated depression.

Studies show that a combination of talk therapy and medication are most effective in treating depression. Find someone to talk with, and/or a support group, A.A.--whatever you can arrange and afford.

I worked with a great psychiatrist (not local) who said to me: each medication works on 80% of the people who try it, but no one can predict how you personally will react. So what worked for me may not work for you. What that caveat, I'll share my own experience. I too was afraid of medication but I find I do much better with it. It took quite a while to find a drug that worked well for me. Some people only take the medication for a short period of time, in combination with talk therapy, and are able to stop taking it once their depression lifts and they have developed some better coping skills.

Other things I have found to be extremely helpful: regular exercise, especially in daylight (1/2 hour to 1 hour walks with the kids?); eating well; fish oil capsules, Centrum with ginseng and gingko biloba, and B vitamins. I also talk frequently with friends and try to find time to do things that are just for me, although that can be hard to do when you are a mother.

Find what support you can and start to take care of yourself, it is one of the best things you could do for your children. I wish you the best. Good luck

so bottom line i am not sure you are depressed. I think his bad mood/attitude is boggin you down anon

You are to be complimented for taking the first steps to getting help. It sounds like you love him and your children and want things to get better. Once you are all in therapy, things should improve. Anon

''Quite often, I experience crying jags'' ''I feel like I am in a fog and barely functioning.'' ''I just feel downright blue.''

These are classic symptoms. You don't need to feel them every minute to be clinically depressed. Here's what's paralyzing:

''I absolutely hate feeling sorry for myself, which makes me even feel more guilty.'' ''...wasting my time feeling so down'' ''I am just so scared of taking any medications''

Your stiff-upper-lip attitude, reinforced by your husband, is admirable but harmful. Depression is NOT a character flaw to feel guilty about. If you need help, get it or it can worsen. Do it for your children if not for yourself. They're no doubt confused and frightened by your moods.

Medication, if you need it, does not change you into a different person. It helps return you to the whole, strong, happy person you can and deserve to be. Don't let ignorance and fear keep you from taking this path if that's what's needed.

You have another, very big problem that's also making you depressed: Your husband has an anger problem that could possibly escalate to physical abuse. Even though ''He has never hit a person though and is normally a very loving husband and father,'' that's obviously not enough to keep you from being alarmed. Again, your own words:

''his temper and bad moods..'' ''On the weekends I am scared that he will all of sudden snap'' ''he has thrown things'' ''he punched a hole in the wall''

Even if he is only hitting objects right now --- and even if it never progresses beyond that --- that climate of fear is emotional abuse. Do you really want your young children, who can't protect themselves, to have to live as you do, wondering when the moment will come when he really snaps and punches THEM?

Yes, you are depressed, and so is your husband, and you both need to be undergoing treatment. Even if he refuses, GO YOURSELF. Do it for your sweet children; they need their mom to be happy and strong, and not to be afraid of rages of their father, not matter how loving he can be at other times. Get help NOW

As for your husband's impulse control problems (which may be triggered with pressure and stress), it would be in your best interest to secretly talk with a counselor to see if he's got a large pattern of abuse (hard to tell for sure from your post), and then get some skills or ideas to learn how you can deal with it or what to do next. You might think it's silly, but I suggest call a domestic abuse hotline anonymously and just explain what he does occasionally. See what they have to say about it. Maybe they'l say that's not too bad, or maybe they'll say he's out of line. They should, either way, have some great resources or ideas for how you can handle it. anon

Your feelings are important, it's OK to ''feel sorry for yourself'' (what other ways do you minimize yourself in your speech), don't be embarrassed about any of this, being self- critical will make it that much harder to move through feelings. It's hard being a mother especially with a possibly unsupportive or even emotionally abusive husband. I'd say browse the self-help section of the bookstore for titles on how to tell whether you're in an abusive relationship, AND get therapy. P.S. I've been there, that's how I know. Anon

I think if you're feeling like you might be depressed, then you probably are. While I dont' wnat to jump to conclusions about your husband, I'd say he has his own anger issues and is afraid for you to get help.

You can't just ''snap out of it.'' Babies do things to some of us and we need to seek help now that we have it. I happen to have a friend whose ex wife recently murdered her children and tried to commit suicice. She survived. While I was never that extreme, I hate to say it, but I could understand how if it's severe enough you could rationalize anything. anon

Seeing the right counselor can make a big difference. Anne Marshall was a very good fit for me. She helped me realize that although my (now ex-) husband was a decent person and a loving father, I wasn't getting treated like an equal partner in the relationship, and my needs weren't being treated as legitimate. She also helped me understand longstanding family patters that fed into that. My depression turned out to be situational-my brain chemistry was kicking me when I was down, but once I dealt with the causes, the depression lifted. Anne Marshall's number is 220-0808, and she has offices in Albany and North Oakland. Treat yourself gently, and I wish you the best of luck. anon

Single mom suffering from major depression

Hello.I am a single mom who is suffering with major depression. I can hardly get up in the mornings. I am everyday trying to hold it together, but I feel it slipping away. I am always moody and just disconnected. I love my daughter and I want to show her and I don't want her to see me this way. I'm unorganized in my thinking and my everyday activities.I want to take some time off work and try to deal with this, but I'm afraid of what people might say. Do you think I can work on this without taking time off? I have tried anti-depressants, but they make me so drowsy I can't work. Any adivce would be appreciated. a mom

Please, get treatment. I know it's hard to ask for help when you are in it, but you owe it to yourself and your kids. If your doc doesn't help go to your OB, find a therapist, etc. Keep asking for help until you get it. Trust me, I know how much energy this takes--but you will get there.

If you think there is any chance you may harm your self (or your kids) please call your doc or 911.

If you can't get out of bed in the morning trust me, they are being affected deeply. There's nothing better that you can do for your kids than to teach them that mommy knows how to help herself.

If you need to take time off work do it! You and your kids come first, not others opinions. But please, if you are going to be in the house all day get help along with taking time off-- otherwise you will just sink further into depression.

Please, please get help! Here are a couple places a place to start:

Bay Area: UCSF - Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic www.ucsf.edu/brizlab/ wmhcindex.html

State of California: Postpartum Health Alliance www.postpartumhealthalliance.org/ index.htm Don't Give Up!!!!!!!!!!!

Get out of your typical routine/rut. Stay away from the TV as much as possible. Cover it with a blanket so it isn't staring at you, begging to be turned on. I encourage you to make good use of your break and really explore (yourself, your world, your interests). This is the time where you can reinvent yourself and recreate your life to be more joyful and healthy (in whatever manner appeals). I know the weather is cold, but you can bundle up and go on some easy hikes. You can find lots of free events to go to. You can take long drives in the country, which will still give you the time to think through whatever is up for you right now. One thing that is easy to do when not working, is to become a hermit. Make a realistic plan for each day, that includes leaving the house for at least part of the time. Don't just sit around, because it makes depression worse.

I just started a mini-hiatus: I cut my hours in half. I'm so excited that I can do all the things I never have time or energy for. E.P.

Also, many therapists only work to get you to be ''a functioning member of society,'' rather than truely being set free and transcending your issues. My problem in the end had to do with what society expected of me (or what i viewed those expectations to be), thus simply trying to get me productive part of it did not address the problem...maybe I am rambling about me... but just trying to pass my experience. After 11 years of on again off again therapy and meds and more years of depression, I have been 6 years with no depression and no meds.

If you can afford it, I would work part-time while seeking treatment. Interview different therapists. Look for therapists that are into natural treatments. Unfortunately I lived in Washington when I found the right therapist, so i have no advice on that... not depressed

Does St John's Wort work for anyone?

I'm thinking of taking St John's Wort and wanted to find out if it has worked for anyone. In specific I'd be interested in knowing how long you've taken it, what brand you use, have you experienced any side affects or interactions and anything else that would be useful.

My situation is that I feel overwhelmed and depressed right now. I took Paxil for 1 year about 8 years ago and really liked it but didn't like some of the side affects and also had withdrawal symptoms I didn't like so I thought maybe St John's Wort might be a alternative. anon

If you really don't want to try another prescription anti-depressant, there are psychiatrists & general physicians around the Bay Area who will work with herbal remedies. You may be able to find one through the BPN archives or a reply to your post, but if not, try looking in the yellow pages or inquire at Lhasa Karnak Herb Co. (are two in Berkeley, don't know if they give referrals, but they might be able to start you off in the right direction to find someone).

But- I would suggest, based on my own experience, that you consider trying another prescription anti-depressant first. There are many, many more than Paxil, & many that aren't SSRI's (which is the group that's notorious for sexual side effects, don't know if you had that problem).

SSRI's are handed out like candy these days, especially by general physicians who just don't have enough experience with the variety of ADs available to know what would make sense for you to try next.

St. John's Work has a similar method of action as tri-cyclic ADs, & can have similar side effects. I take a TCAD, tried several SSRIs first, also briefly tried St. John's Wort, & like the TCAD much better both in terms of its effectiveness for me & I don't get the awful inorgasmia that I got with SSRIs. I did get more early side effects from it- dry mouth, felt a bit overall yucky- than from SSRIs but they went away after a couple of weeks, & I got the same kind of side effects from St Johns Wort!

You didn't say if you went off Paxil with the guidance of a physician, but you will get ''withdrawal'' symptoms if you go off any anti-depressant without slowly tapering down- including St. John's Wort. Working your dose up slowly when you begin one is also a very good idea- many people actually get good AD effects at a sub-clinical dose, & the lower the dose the fewer side effects you're likely to get. Anon

All this is not to say it's 100% safe; there are drug interactions possible, and one has to be cautious with any remedy. Good Luck!

Dealing with cyclical, short-term acute depression

Does anyone have experience with or advice for dealing with cyclical, short-term acute depression? I have struggled with general depression for many years and have controlled it through ''talk'' therapy rather than medication (which I prefer to avoid if at all possible). However, over the past year, I have noticed a new phenomenon. I will suddenly and inexplicably suffer, for lack of a better expression, a ''depression attack'' which lasts for a week and then, just as suddenly and inexplicably, lessens or disappears completely. It is like coming down with the flu and then recovering, except that it is a mental, not physical, episode. These attacks are upsetting, not least because they are so debilitating, but also because they are so unpredictable and random. They are very intense--it is all I can do to manage the day-to-day details of parenting and living when they occur. I also never know how long they will last. Anyone with a similar experience out there? Any ideas on how to handle this kind of depression? Thank you so very much.
struggling mom

For 10 years, I worked with antidepressants, talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, yoga, diet, and herbal remedies to try and control the cycles. I got tested for a variety of medical conditions (thyroid, adrenal dysfunction).

Finally, a psychiatrist said he thought I might have bipolar disorder rather than unipolar depression. I added lithium to my antidepressant and have not had an episode since (it has been nearly 12 months, which is a pretty long time for me to go without having an episode).

I still believe diet, exercise, and stress management are key to my health. But I also feel that the lithium and antidepressant together are (so far) critical, too.

I know you said you don't want meds, but I did want to share that what's going on might not be depression.

A great website for information about bipolar II and "soft" bipolar disorders is by Dr. Jim Phelps: www.psycheducation.org. Please take a look at it and see if you find your experience described there! ---Finally feeling hopeful that the cycle will end---

One of the quirky things about Bipolar, II is that your reaction to antidepressents (SSRIs) is not as expected. My husband was diagnosed when he finally went to see an expert psychopharmacologist because a third variety of antidepressant let him down (two did nothing much, the third created a sense of rage that he lived with for months, waiting for the meds to ''start working''). He was taken off the SSRIs and put on a mood stabilizer, and then later -- once he was stablized, the Dr reintroduced an SSRI which improved his baseline.

Before we got into this adventure I'd never heard of the disorder or the treatment. My husband is a brilliant and loving guy who makes big contributions to society... I don't know what his life would have been like without this intervention. He still has the occasional bad day (don't we all?) and seems to react to changing seasons and shorter days... but he is functional and happy and here for me and for his kids.

I'd urge you to see the best doctor you can, and to follow the advice that doctor gives you, even if it includes trying a medication... You'll never know how much better you can feel, unless you start feeling better. I'm only Depressed and Distracted.

Of course, if you don't need medication that's great BUT if you need it don't hesitate to take it. Whatever you do though get professional help. I struggled with depression for 25 years before I decided to go for a long-term treatment.

I've been taking meds for a little over a year which is by far the longest stretch ever. There were some side effects to manage but I have never felt this free. Finally, I'm not controlled by my moods, emotions, and hormones anymore. Good luck! Finally free

I know exactly what you mean by ''depression attack'', and it's one of those things that is difficult for someone who hasn't experienced it themselves to really understand. It's vastly different than the normal ups and downs of life.

What you're describing is a mood disorder, they are biological disorders, and susceptibility to them is now known to be genetic. There are many kinds of mood disorders involving depression, and it takes a skilled and experienced psychiatrist to correctly evaluate a patient and make a well-considered diagnosis.

In my long years of chronic depression, peppered with clinical depressive spells and less frequent hypomanic spells, I did years of therapy. I believe in therapy, it gave me a lot, but I always knew instinctively that something physical was driving my depression and instability, and that therapy couldn't remedy that underlying problem.

I'm not going to push medications given what you said, but I want to share some of my experience with you, and to suggest that you keep an open mind about meds. I think that you'll be selling yourself short if you dismiss them out of hand without getting some real education about them. They've restored thousands of people to a place where life is in proportion and can be enjoyed, and they've (literally) saved the lives of many people.

Even if you remain firm in not wanting to take any medication, please make an appointment with an experienced psychiatrist, get a diagnosis, and get a medical understanding of what's going on with you. Like you've said, it's very scary to be attacked by a debilitating mood and have no idea what's happening or why.

What you decide to do with the info you get is entirely up to you. Knowledge is power. Simply having some info, having a name for your condition, and understanding what's happening with your body chemicals will allow you to do some research on your own, and to seek out support groups.

Good resources to know about in our area are Langley-Porter Institute, (the psych part of UCSF medical school), and Stanford medical center. Both have mood disorder clinics, are cutting edge in terms of being up on the latest research, and offer very thorough evaluations.

If you have Kaiser, I can highly recommend Dr. Jeanne Leventhal in the Oakland Psych Dept. I found her through a post on this list, and she has been the one who has most successfully addressed the depressive aspect of my disorder. She is also a specialist in women's hormonal issues, and includes looking at their influence in her diagnosis and her treatment recommendations.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself! Anon

Depression and anxiety - non-drug options

I am struggling with mild-moderate depression/anxiety. I was on Prozac for 2 years, then recently got off (under MD supervision) to try to get pregnant. Things are going well in my life now (as opposed to when I first got on the drugs). Yet I'm still feeling the depression and anxiety coming back (worse also in these short, winter days), unrelated to any particular external circumstances. I'm funcioning o.k., but hate feeling this way. I know that going back on meds is an option, even while trying to get pregnant, but I want to exhaust all other non-drug options first. Does anyone have advice on alternative ways to manage mild- moderate depression and anxiety? I have already taken some measures such as getting more sleep, cutting out caffeine, exercising more, and trying to cut down on unnecessary work responsibilities. But I still feel bad. Also, I was thinking of seeing a professional to help me in this. My MD will only prescribe drugs. I would like someone who can give practical advice and support, rather than drawn out psychotherapy. Ideally, it would be an expert in these issues who could help coach me in using nutrition, light, stress- reduction techniques and other practical techniques to deal with the symptions. Any advice or recommendations of professional help would be appreciated anon

There are two books I'm reading and following the exercises that have also helped me immensely. They are by the late Australian doctor Claire Weekes. Don't be misled by the fact they were written in the '50s and have some dated language, or by the simplicity of the approach. The approach works, and started working for me right away. One book is called ''Hope and Help for Your Nerves,'' and the other ''Essential Help for your Nerves.''

I wish you the best in getting through your challenge and completely believe you can. Help is out there

On the topic of light and melatonin, don't ever sleep in during the fall and winter months. Get up early and go outside even if you had a late night. You don't want to miss what light there is.

I was also helped by very intense aerobic exercise even though previous regimens of more limited exercise had only modest effect. This may or may not be a practical suggestion for two reasons. First, it takes a lot of time and energy to exercise that seriously. Second, I don't think it's conducive to getting and staying pregnant, at least it wasn't for me. Still, something is better than nothing, so I'd stick with what you're doing. Also, I think outdoor is better than the gym. And massages are great.

Finally, I think the people who tell you to regularize your day (eat, sleep, exercise, etc. at the same times) are right, though this can be hard to do in real life. But try moving in that direction to the extent you can. And good luck. (BTW, I did not have to do much of anything to stay happy the winter I was pregnant, so know that it's possible for the hormonal changes to work in your favor.) Anon

Finally, too much time spent with the TV and computer leaves me less joyful. It's usually mindless entertainment where I zone out. It dulls my creativity, and stops me from thinking, feeling, enjoying, playing, etc. Why not detach somewhat and try gentle walks enjoying the beauty of nature, breathing the fresh air? Also, take up a craft/hobby that you can really get into and do with your hands.

We all need to pursue our creativity, in ways that fill us with joy. Otherwise, it's easier for hopelessness and depression to sneak in. Good health and mood to you!

Depressed when the sun's not shining

When the sun is out, I'm happy and optimistic, for the most part. But when it's foggy (most of the summer here) I get more and more depressed as the days go on. Besides moving away (can't do right now), medication (tried it), and physical activity (which I'm working on increasing), does anyone know of anything specifically to combat SAD? Sunlamps? Yoga?
SAD at the sight of fog

And with the long rainy springs we've been getting lately, it makes dealing with the fog all the more difficult. I have never tried lights to combat Seasonal Effect Disorder, but I've heard they are very helpful. Another thing that helps is to get outside as much as possible on those foggy days. Just bundle up and go for walks out in the open where there is mostly sky above you. You will get more light that way. Don't wear a hat or sunglasses. Avoid dark woodsy walks through redwood tree groves, they can be very dark and very wet on cold foggy days. Avoid spending too much time indoors. Keep all your curtains and blinds open as much as possible when you are inside. Always sit by a window. If you just can't take another day of fog, then try to visit other areas of the Bay Area that are sunny and warm. Go for your walks and run your errands in the sunnier locations. Your mental health is worth the extra driving.

Another thing that might help is to try to wear more cheerful, sunny colors. I find that most people in the Bay Area, especially in Berkeley, tend to wear dark, drab colors, and are very casually dressed. This just adds to the foggy depression. Around here it's hard to dress warmly and also stay in touch with the season with the sunny colors. Try to find light and bright colored sweaters.

Mail order might be your best bet. I find that I usually feel much better if I ''spruce-up'' a bit, put something a little nicer and brighter on, and wear lipstick. I may not fit in with the look around here, but at least I feel better. Laurey

If you don't want to move, maybe you could just go to these places on foggy days, if you are a stay at home parent. If you have to go to work, I guess you have to go no matter what. I would also recommend going to a gym. Exercise will improve your mood and you will be inside, so the weather won't really matter. Coffee also helps. anon

Also check out Dr. Norman Rosenthal's landmark book on SAD ''Winter Blues'', which is an inspiring and informative read. You can get it from the library. Good luck and feel free to email me Dyane

The thing that worked somewhat well for me was 1) having a regular sleeping schedule (yes, random!) and 2) turning on every light in the house IMMEDIATELY when I got up. Getting the light right away when I woke up seemed to help switch ''on'' something. Go figure.

It is annoying!
-send me to san diego

Why Am I So Unhappy?

I am not sure if I’m looking for advice, a recommendation or just an outlet for what I’m going through. I have, what would appear on the outside, such a great life. I have a loving husband, a wonderful house and an absolutely adorable son whom I adore with all my heart. Why am I so unhappy? I feel so trapped in a life that is not what I want. And, part of the problem, is I don’t really know what I want. I guess I thought that I would have accomplished so much more with my life than I have. I am depressed almost all the time. I want to sleep all the time. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through every day. The only thing that makes me happy is being with my son - I want to be with him all the time. But, I’m starting to feel like I am unworthy of my son who is so full of life and energy. I have no energy for him. We are strapped for money, mortgaged to the hilt and I have to work full time when I’d rather be with him. But, I almost feel he is better off in preschool without me because even if I was home with him, would it be any better for him? Would I be any better or would I just continue to be depressed and have a negative impact on him? Now I’m looking for work again and I cannot muster even the slightest desire to find it, even though I know we absolutely need me to work in order for us to just pay the bills. I would love to see a therapist, but we have no extra money to spend on one and I hate taking any time away from my time with my son. I feel completely selfish and childish for feeling this way when I know so many people are much worse off. I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me that I can be so completely unhappy when I really shouldn’t be. I don’t know what kind of advise anyone can offer. I just didn’t know where else to turn. I have great friends, but have a hard time talking about this with them (and my husband) because my unhappiness seems so unreasonable. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. anon

Secondly, there are some excellent free or sliding scale services in Alameda County. Check the following website:

http://www.berkeleyfreeclinic.org/download/COunseling%20update%202.pdf for specific information, phone numbers, and contacts. Another place to check would be your local church, synagogue, or mosque. Even if you are not a current member, if you go into a rabbi, priest, or imam, they would be unlikely to turn you away. Generally, there are peer support groups in religious communities that are free and confidential.

As for taking time away from your son by seeking therapy - try to think of therapy as a way for you to be a better parent. It will increase your sense of self and therefore, your confidence in raising your son the way you want to. Think of the time you are unhappy now, while you are with him. Wouldn't you rather take an hour a week to turn this time into time you feel is well spent?

I'm sure your son loves you just the way you are. It sounds like you are a very caring and loving mother. But you need to take care of yourself and work through the important issues that are causing you confusion, sadness, and lack of energy. Also, you may have a chemical imbalance that can be treated through a variety of methods (not necessarily pharmaceuticals) and this could very well turn things around for you.

You have the right idea - talking about this to other people is a great start. Don't stop now! anon

I would also suggest trying Bach Flower Essences. You can read about them at Whole Foods or at Vitamin Express (Shattuck and Rose). They might help your state of mind. Good Luck. anon

I was working part time from home and had a nanny come in to help out when I had to work. It wasn't my ideal, but we ''needed'' the money. I always wanted to stay home. She was wonderful and like a grandmother to our son, but I still felt bad. 3 months after she started, my company shut down their West Coast operation and though I looked for an interviewed in other jobs for which I was qualified, none of them panned out which I believe (due to my religious faith) was no accident. We had no idea how we would live on only my husband's income, since it was less than half of what we were taking in, but we managed. We did even talk about moving, but in the end, due to the lovely refinancing rates, didn't have to. We re-organized our lives, and though are very tight on money, have never been happier.

Just to ice my cake, in a weird way, 2 months after I became a full time mother, my son got the flu and had a seizure from the dehydration. We were at the hospital most of the day having tests run on him, and he wanted nothing but mommy all day. He loves his dad and his dad is VERY involved, but he just wanted his mom. As we sat there throughout the day, we talked about how it just really cemented that what we were doing was right, and how we would have felt getting a call from a nanny or a day care to tell us our son had gone into the ER. (He seemed to have been on the mend for a day the morning it happened, but the docs said this sometimes happens)

So perhaps this is what is bothering you? How you feel is totally OK, what you do about it next is up to you. Susan

First of all, you sound like you are a very caring and good parent, so you deserve tremendous credit for that. It also sounds like you could use an outlet for yourself--a realm in which you can feel good about yourself apart from being a wife/mother. Although you say that you do not wish to burden your friends and husband with your feelings, they are the cheapest (and best!) form of therapy. It seems very important that you open up with them to get some support. Do you fear rejection? Do you think you will be thought less of because of these feelings? Perhaps you have a standard for yourself that is perfectionistic and not reasonable. You also sound very torn--that on one hand you should be advancing your career for financial reasons, but on the other hand you really enjoy being a mother.

I can understand how looking for work sounds depressing when perhaps it is not what you really want. Is there anyway for you 1) to accept that perhaps you are not interested in advancing your career as you think you should be and 2) can work part- time so you can spend more time with your child? If you really need to work full-time, perhaps some career counseling could be useful. Could you be having a bit of a mid-life crisis? It really seems that you are judging yourself very harshly, that you think that you should want other than what you have and yet what you have actually might be what you want. It might be helpful to find a way to explore what you think you should have accomplished by now as well as where that might be coming from. Perhaps you could find a support group through a church or other organization that would not cost you any money. In order to find some joy in your l! ife, and to help you address the question of ''what DO I want?'', think back to what you have enjoyed doing in the past (pre-child--perhaps even pre- marriage). What were your hobbies/interests? Is there some way for you to get plugged into something you enjoy doing? To help you with the depression, if you are not doing so already, I would also suggest some kind of do-able exercise--maybe you can incorporate walking with a friend with talking about how you are feeling right now. It is a known fact that endorphins help combat depression.

I have gone through feelings very simlar to yours--especially around the time when I turned 40 and realized that my life was sort of ''set'' in place. I had to accept that it was okay that I had not written a novel or published a scholarly paper or sat on a board or made a 6-digit income. Our culture puts terrible pressures on us all. Sometimes I think we have all the ingredients to be happy, but we don't know it because it does not fit the American ideal of what we think it should be, and that is sad. I hope you can find the answers to your questions. You certainly are not alone. Been there

I read a book recently that helped me think through a lot of my issues with what I want from life -- wish I could say it was a magic bullet, but I don't think there are any. Its called ''I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was'' by Barbara Sher. She works from the premise that you have a lot to offer and are inherently talented at something (even if you don't think so) and are totally capable of having any kind of life you want; the only trick is to find what you really want (she helps with that) and how to go about achieving it. Idea is that if you apply yourself and find the help you need, you can get there. Its pretty concrete too - not just touchy-feely stuff. I found the book really enlightening, and enjoyed the website/bulletin boards the author set up for discussion. I'm taking a detour right now - got pregnant before I could really focus on finding the career I reall! y want - but still think this book helped me a lot, and the site is FILLED with supportive people who've been (or are) where you are, no matter what your goal or present situation. I wish you luck! Rebecca

You won't necessarily needs medicine forever (though many people do), but even a while on it can help you see past the never-ending unhappiness and address whatever ''life issues'' might be adding to your depression. Remember you are not alone. Wishing you the best. anon.

PS, there was an article in the NY Times magazine a couple of weeks ago called The Opt-Out Revolution which might interest you. Been there, wishing for better for you

Go to your doctor or clinic and talk to them about how you feel. One of the most important lessons I've learned in motherhood is that we absolutely have to stop the world sometimes to take care of ourselves. It's not selfish in the slightest. It's truly what we have to do. Hang in there. Life can look much brighter. Good luck in you journey. anon

Alas, ''normal'' for first-time, stay-at-home-moms with young children these days can often mean ''depressed.'' We're often alone all day because our partners work long hours, our families live far away, & our friends all have jobs & we can't talk with them anyway because they think we have no right to complain when their biological clocks keep ticking & they haven't even found a partner yet & will never be able to afford a house around here. Oh, & by the way, you don't just ''feel like'' you're ''sleepwalking,'' you ARE sleepwalking! Sleep deprivation does that to you. Why else do you think human rights organizations define it as a form of torture? There's nothing ''wrong'' with you as a person or as a mother. The reason your son is so ''adorable'' & so ''full of life & energy'' is because you're a loving mom who basically enjoys mothering. But you do sound awfully depressed & really do need to take care of yourself. Depression isn't some fake, trendy disease for wimpy whiners & folks who watch Oprah. It's a serious but entirely treatable illness & people who feel for whatever reason that they should be able to deal with it themselves without resorting to therapy suffer needlessly. For what it's worth, here are my scattered thoughts:

(1) PUT THE JOB SEARCH ON HOLD FOR NOW: To hell with money. Sure, it sucks being broke, but some things, like you & your family's well-being, are way more important. Financial worries can really distort things, especially when you're feeling depressed. If you've managed to survive on one income until now, maybe you can squeak by a little longer so you can sort things out. A job might not even help your financial situation much, since working outside of the home can prove quite expensive in terms of commuting costs, daycare, tax liability, added stress, etc.

(2) DO TALK TO A THERAPIST: A therapist can help you talk things out, see things more clearly & help you find ways to cope. They can also prescribe medications, & although it's not for everyone, I must admit that Prozac has helped me a LOT. I haven't undergone a magical transformation from a sloppy, moody, hyperactive art chick with a bad attitude to a cheerful, orderly Stepford wife. But it sure does take the edge off things so I have a little mental space for keeping things in perspective & deflecting those corrosive, negative thoughts. And my ability to communicate my feelings in a constructive way, know my limits & solve problems has improved greatly as a result of seeing a therapist.

Most health insurance plans offer mental health benefits. If you don't have insurance, there are sliding scale programs & teaching hospitals that offer affordable options. Since finding a therapist & navigating the health system can prove overwhelming, I also recommend having your partner or a trusted friend sit down with you for moral support & to help you stay on task with your researching & phone calls, etc. The logistics of keeping appointments are challenging, but do- able. I try to schedule appointments for when my husband can stay with my daughter or after school when I can hire a reasonably-priced teenaged sitter (who can either stay at my house with my daughter or come along & play with my daughter in a nearby park). I also often wind up taking my daughter with me for appointments & my psychiatrist, therapist & the office staff are really cool about that. Although this isn't ideal, it's better than not going at all.

(3) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE & MEET OTHER MOMS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD: No matter what kind of social circles you moved in before, you ABSOLUTELY NEED mommy friends with kids who are about your child's age. One cool mommy friend with whom you can visit, plan outings, trade favors, laugh with & talk about pretty much *any*thing can make a world of difference. Even more casual friendships with other moms with kids of similar ages can make your life much more fun. Eventually, you & the mom you keep seeing at the park will take turns watching the little ones while the other one sneaks off to grab a couple cups of coffee or actually use the restroom ALONE. Finally, the day will come when one of your mommy friends drops by during one of those dreaded late afternoons that drag on & on & the two of you enjoy adult conversation & a nice glass of wine or cup of tea while the little monsters trash the living ! room. From that point on, everything somehow gets much better. It's hard to drag your sorry a** out of the house, take your child to the park or library or wherever stay-at-home parents hang out, strike up conversations, exchange phone numbers & call people up for outings & play dates when you feel so horrible you want to crawl under a rock & die. It was even hard for me, & I'm an extremely extraverted person. But the effort is well worth it. I've made some wonderful new friends & I didn't know a single one of them when I first moved here a couple of years ago. And now I can enjoy hanging out with friends from my previous life without wishing they understood what I'm going through.

If you're scared of rejection, try to remember that most new moms feel isolated & enjoy being invited to do things (even if they can't go or have trouble getting out of the house) & also feel shy about reaching out.

(4) LIVE CHEAP, LIVE WELL (SORT OF): Some moms really need to work outside of the home for personal as well as financial reasons. But going back to work often feels conflicted & wrenching even for women who totally love their jobs, have strong career ambitions, AND really need the money in order to pay the rent & put food on the table. In your situation, I think going back to work would stress you out & make you more unhappy. I would sit down with your husband to work out a budget & cut as many corners as possible so you can afford to stay home. Do you really need Cable TV? Or to buy books instead of borrowing from the library? Or new clothes, toys, housewares, etc. when you can buy them from a thrift store or yard sale? Can you lower your monthly bills by conserving energy, changing your calling plans, switching insurance providers, etc.? Can your husband brown bag his lunch instead of grabbing! a sandwich from the deli next door? Can you save more on groceries by buying in bulk, taking advantage of sales, etc. Can you buy memberships to museums & facilities you frequent (like SF MOMA, Habitot or Lawrence Hall of Science) so you don't have to pay every time? You'll be amazed at what you can cut back on or do without & still live well. Although rents & mortgages are insanely expensive around here, we're blessed with lots of beautiful parks, good public libraries with fun programs for kids, free or inexpensive events, etc. for grownups as well as kids.

(5) FIND SOME AFFORDABLE PART-TIME DAYCARE: It's good for toddlers & preschoolers to socialize & enjoy activities & learning opportunities within a structured & regular settings. And it's good for you to have some free time that you can count on each week. Options include trading off with another mom, a good home daycare provider in a less expensive neighborhood, a daycare coop, or a coop playgroup are all good options.

(6) SLEEP IN ONCE A WEEK: On Saturday mornings, have Daddy take your son out for a couple hours so they can bond while you catch up on some sleep or burrow under the covers & read.

(7) DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF ON A REGULAR BASIS: You need to re-energize & have something to look forward to every week. It can be something simple but luxurious, like a massage or manicure, or hanging out with the girls, sipping coffee in a cafe while scribbling in your notebook. Or you can take a class. Your local YMCA has lots of exercise & yoga & dance classes & a Child Watch program where you can drop off your son & where he'll have a good time. I've also heard about a Yoga school with Child Watch services. Or you can take inexpensive courses in things that interest you through your local community college or adult education program in the evenings when your husband will (hopefully) be home.

(8) CUT BACK ON HOUSEWORK AND/OR OTHER TASKS YOU HATE OR THAT TAKE AWAY FROM YOUR TIME WITH YOUR CHILD: Your floor doesn't need to be clean enough to eat from -- after all, our kids do need to build up their immunity systems ;^). It's okay to serve macaroni & cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, frozen pizza or pre-prepared skillet meals for dinner sometimes instead of making everything from scratch with fresh, organic ingredients all the time. Try using an online bill-paying service (usually available free or cheap from your bank) to automate some of your payments.

Have your son help you with some tasks. Of course this makes tasks take 10 times as long than doing them yourself, but it'll make household chores way more fun & will pay off down the road. I've been pleasantly surprised to find that a toddler (my daughter is 22 months old) can cut soft fruits & vegetables with a blunt plastic knife, put some types of dishes & utensils in the dishwasher, sweep stuff into your dustpan with a tot- sized broom, pick things up from the floor & toss them into a wastebasket or other container, stir things, transfer spoon or cup fulls of ingredients into a bowl, weed the garden (though they may also pull up plants you want along with the weeds), & wipe off a small spill or stain with a sponge. Our house usually looks like a bomb hit it, but at least my daughter & I have fun & I'm (usually) cheerful but exhausted when my husband comes home.

I think that since many of us moms had successful careers before having kids that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to achieve an unattainable level of perfection & that we set goals for ourselves in our new roles as homemakers even though we lack the years of housekeeping, cooking, & childcare experience required to set realistic goals. The fact is that 10, 20 & 30 years from now, you & your family will fondly remember good times spent together & meals & experiences shared, not the sparkling cleanliness of your house or the timely handling of your bills & paperwork. I hope this helps! Believe me, I've been there & have (mostly) made it through. And please feel free to email me. if you want or need to chat. Been There, Done That!