Desire and Menopause

I was wondering if some of you women (or men) can tell me about what things may be like at 50 with sex and/or romance. I am 50 and a single mom who has been out of commision for about ten years due to the stress of raising my child by myself and having been through a really unpleasant marriage and divorce. Now I am about to go through menopause and I fear that I may no longer desire sex after feeling that I have missed out on something so important for so long. I am told that I look good for my age and I work hard to stay at a good healthy weight. I worry that once my periods stop I will no longer desire sexual activity should I even be lucky enough to find someone I care about enough, or get up the courage to ask the guy out that I have admired for the last three years. If I stop having desire, that will be so sad because I already feel such a loss at being celebate for so long. What is sex like after 50? What are the problems and how does one get over them? I have no one to ask and I really want to know. Any advise will be appreciated. Still romantic so far

So I will try to be honest with you. I'm in my 50's and in the midst of menopause - no periods for a couple of years but still the daily hot flashes. My interest in sex declined dramatically once my periods stopped. Compared to how I felt at 40 (high interest in sex) and how I feel now (take it or leave it), it's like polar opposites. However, I am in a second marriage that is still pretty new, and my husband thinks I'm desirable! Yay! Like, he finds me desirable a lot! One might even say, far too often! So I still would like to have sex, even though I don't actually desire sex, because I do love my husband so much, and sex is how he feels close to me.

There are technical problems with sex after menopause, though. The decrease in estrogen makes everything down there all dry and uncomfortable, even with plenty of lubrication. But you can talk to your obgyn about something like Estring, or even HRT for a few years, both of which I have used successfully. But it sounds like you aren't there yet. So my advice is, definitely do not even worry about this stuff. If you feel romantic right now, and you did sign your post as ''still romantic so far'', I say, yes! go for it! You will have a great time! Even if you get to the point where you don't feel that little flash of desire (and not everybody does get to that point), you will still feel love, and odds are that your partner will still desire YOU, so you just deal with the technical difficulties as they arise. All the best to you! berkeley mom

I had a married friend I opened up to who said: you never know how marriages really are inside, the grass isn't always greener. I think deep down she knew the huge loss I was talking about and it was too hard for her to let that be the subject. Not only not having had a partner but missing the boat without having boarded it! Related issue, the crucial importance of sexual attraction at the beginning of a relationship eventually beyond looks, my friend minimized that point too. I also had a female middle-aged OBGYN unable to really talk about this, who made me think I was speaking Greek.

Well, I decided I'm not giving in. I'm still having periods but I've felt desire decline very gradually since about 40, along with natural lubrication. Totally sucks! I take care of myself, I like men, I've had relationships. I looked into it medically and found, in order of effectiveness: methyltestosterone and I only took it every other day OR its bioidentical counterpart (wasn't as effective for me), bioidentical estriol once a week vaginally for improved lubrication OR its western medicine equivalent (harsher-''e-ring''?). Finally, after a ton of research I plan to work with bioidentical hormone balancing as a long-term thing. If the desire gets intolerably low. Important to read tons (start with Suzanne Somers and her bibliography) and find a doc who will go the distance with that - there aren't many. I even reached out to BPN on the bioidentical question and really no one was on board with using that to its utmost or even knowing much about it. (Prehaps the mean age is too young to care yet?) But in the short term, methyltestosterone is magic. The last time I was in a relationship, I started that about a month in advance and I just felt normal and up to speed with the guy!

Men slow down too, men look older, many of them appreciate the qualities of a real woman, and we live in an age of cosmetic choices. Don't Give Up

I am 49, and have to say I've seen NO impact so far on my own level of desire. I'm not as crazy as I was in my 20s, but I'm pretty similar to my 30s. For me, I was in an unhappy and sexless marriage for years ... that was a desire killer. When I left and started meeting guys again - I completely rediscovered my old self. It's been very fun.

I think you're worry about something that may not even happen, and the very best way to ramp up your desire is to get out there and meet people - as well as stay in good shape and treat your body and mind in a healthful way. When you start dating some cutie, someone you really like, and they are all over you (which they will be - men do not change), I think you'll be amused that you worried. sw

I kind of miss feeling crazed with lust every month or so, but I enjoy feeling more in control of my longings. When I'm attracted to someone now, it's because I'm attracted to him and I like him, not because it's mid-cycle and I'm wild to have sex (which I still really like, although the old intensity isn't always there).

The vaginal walls do thin, and usually produce less lubrication, especially before actual orgasm. Your doctor can recommend some sort of local light-weight hormone cream that doesn't fill your system with dangerous levels of estrogen. RePlens (over-the-counter remedy) works for some, and there are also good lubes at the drugstore and places like Good Vibrations.

(Speaking of Good Vibrations, if you don't have one already, you could always greet menopause by treating yourself to a vibrator and other toys.)

For general and specific advice about menopause, including sex, I like Christiane Northrup (www.drnorthrup.com) and Susun S. Weed (www.menopause-metamorphosis.com); Weed is a Pacific Northwest herbalist, and Northrup more mainstream, but they're both smart and optimistic.

(By the way, if and when you feel depressed or whatever about the changes to your body and mood, try to exercise even more. I stopped driving when I could feasibly walk, and now put in four or five miles a day. It's supposedly good for bone density as well.)

While I miss some aspects of being fertile, I also feel as if I've grown up. I'm not as hard on myself. I feel wiser and more womanly. I speak up more. This seems like a fair trade-off. Anyway, trust me on this: you may want it in slightly different ways, but you'll still want and enjoy sex. Good luck with your change, and good luck with the object of your admiration. Good to Go

Intercourse is exceedingly painful due to vaginal dryness

I went through menopause when I was about 45. Now, five years later I am completely ''dry'' down there and intercourse is exceedingly painful. My doctor explained that the skin thins as we age, and the friction of sex is irritating at the entry. She gave me a hormonal cream to inject but it was messy and not helpful. I've tried lubricants, to no avail. I'm only 50. I want to be able to have intercourse. I will be seeing the doctor again in July, but in the meantime, any advice? frustrated

Sex after menopause = excruciatingly painful

I am post-menopausal and sexual intercourse with my husband has become excruciatingly painful, in fact intercourse, as opposed to other activities, has become virtually impossible. He's a big man and I'm a small woman, and I think that is part of it in addition to other symptoms associated with menopause. I've tried estrogen creams and the ring and they don't seem to make a significant difference. My ob/gyn has not been helpful. We're both very unhappy with the situation and would like to do something to change it. I'd appreciate any advice on how to remedy the situation -- medical or otherwise, or perhaps a referral to a doctor who you know will be helpful in regard to this. Feeling very unsexy

Normal? Permanent? Loss of libido at 44

I have been embarrassed about this, but after the poop question, the erection question, and the fertility question, I decided to ask. I am 44 and have normal periods still, but have a decreased libido which, when I look back, has been very gradually decreasing for 3-4 years. The only other thing is waking up 2 hours after I fall asleep. I'm not an insomniac, I can get myself back to sleep - it really feels like a physical thing. Also intercourse is somewhat less comfortable. I know these things probably add up to hormonal, pre-menopausal changes. I'm not having any marriage/relationship problems currently.

But this is very distressing to me because I'm not ready to give up enjoying sex! If this is how it is, it's a huge loss! I have all the kids I need, no problem there. I was feeling relieved and happy with each passing year because I assume it is increasingly difficult to get pregnant now and we can have unprotected sex finally! But must women only be capable of fully enjoying it when there's a risk of pregnancy!? If so, this is not fair. Nobody told me these things would happen before any obvious menstrual change.

I tried talking to my doctor, totally fruitless and embarrasing. She asked me about orgasms and libido then looked at me like I was crazy and asked me to repeat what I had just said and give examples, then said, ''Like, what do you mean?'' again, until I finally said nevermind. I had felt ashamed already because women not in their sexual prime are I feel considered ugly by the culture anyway, then after that doctor I felt and still feel something must be wrong with me.

My questions are: Is this normal? Is this definitely related to menopause? Is this permanent? And does anybody out there know anything about bio-identical hormones, OTC or Rx. I've done a lot of reading and the key seems to be to find a doctor who specializes. Any help at all would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks Anon

I think you are right - this is a perimenopausal phenomenon that is very gradual. Most of us don't have the time to go to the bathroom on our own, much less spend time thinking about how we might improve our sex lives, but I do think some things can help. One, is to think about sex more. Read racy stuff. Watch racy stuff (doesn't do it for me, but it does for lots.) Make dates. My husband and I met one night a week with a personal trainer and then had dinner together and that helped a bit. We have been married for 21 years, so to spice things up a bit, I went to www.goodvibes.com and found some fun ideas. Just talking about them was even fun and had some side benefits. Our kids are finally old enough to not need continuous supervision, so morning quickies are more frequent these days. I guess, my favorite line is from our sex therapist at my work...''sex begets sex''. The more you have, the more you realize that you like it, and the more you have. Good luck! in the same boat

We're in our 50's and sex is not happening

I can't believe I'm writing this to almost the whole world,but I could use some outside opinions on this issue. My husband of 15 years and I haven't had sex in about 3 months. My husband in his late 50's and I'm almost in mid 50's, going through menopause and truthfully have very low libido these days. Our relationship is good, though intimate contact and communication is pretty limited....our conversation is what we did that day, kid stuff, house stuff, etc. Nothing about how we're feeling, what's going on personally... We used to be so connected to each other and over the years have gotten more distant. However, we get along really well, he's a great dad (we started having kids late, so our girls are school age).

Sometimes I bring it up in a joking way ''You think we'll ever have sex again before midnight?'' and we both laugh and go to sleep. What's true for me is that I'm not having sex at 11 at night. I'm thinking about how many hours of sleep I can get before 5:30 AM when I get up. We never make dates to go out together...Iknow we should. We're usually too tired, and I'm disinterested to really bother. In the evenings after kids are in bed, I want to do my own thing...read, be creative, etc...I'm done ''putting out'' for other people.

It feels to me (maybe not to him) like the proverbial ''elephant in the living room''. It's there but no one is talking about it. My husband is a very passive person. He will always follow my lead or my initiation but rarely will he initiate or take the lead himself. This has always been an issue for me but in past years we've managed to have regular sex (he's also not the most creative or passionate lover...maybe I'm not either although I've always considered myself a very sexual and passionate person).

So...at this point, I don't even know how to break the ice, so to speak. Do I pretend like nothing is different and seduce him? Or should we have a talk (he'll love that!!). His birthday is coming up in June and I'm thinking I should make reservations to go away for the weekend. I'd like to get through this odd feeling I'm having (elephant in living room) so we can sort of start over and be communicating more openly and intimately. The hormones don't help the situation any but I think once I get started I would get aroused. I know he's not having an affair (How do I know? I just know...and when would he have time?). Any suggestions, advice, opinions will be appreciated. anonymous please

A book I really found helpful when my own sex drive plummeted was ''Sex Over Fifty'' by Joel Block. It does an excellent job of covering the changes in physiology, the effects of medication, including Viagra, and the importance of time, oppurtunity, and communications. Highly recommended. So is the new Good Vibrations sex manual.

Two other thoughts: your husband may be closeted. And if you generally and genuinely like this husband, but want more lovin', perhaps Polyamory is worth a look-see. Many of the many Bay Area adherents of this theory are your age. ''Loving More'' is a good place to start exploring, it's both a magzine and a conference. Caution: to make this theory into a comfortable praxis, you MUST communicate a TON.

One more thing: Bernie Zilbergeld. I don't know if he still practices in Berkeley, but his books on sex, and dealing with sexual problems, are very, very sound. Adjusting to Aging

You stated it so well, ''the proverbial elephant in the living room''. I have an infant, and I thought this lack of libido was only supposed to last a couple of months. Well, it's been almost a year, and it has definitely affected our relationship. We have sex once in a while, but not very often. For awhile, I could really feel tension between us. That elephant was getting larger. Finally, one of us brought it up, and it really opened up a lot of issues for us, which was good for us.

I told him we need to make an effort to go out on more dates without our baby. We take her EVERYWHERE, because we want to spend every possible moment with her while she's this little. That, obviously has had repercussions in other areas in our lives.

Recently, we went out on a date, had a few drinks, and realized I was right - that spending time together alone will help us remember why we chose each other in the first place. It's helped a lot, so far. I feel very little tension between us now, even though our sex life is still somewhat sparse.

We're still in the process of getting our rhythm going again, but I'm hoping this will help us with our emotional, as well as sexual, relationship.

So, my advice to you, is absolutely, go away for the weekend. But, don't expect everything to be better right away. I think you and your hubby need to make a concerted effort to start 'dating' again - without the kids. Of course, I haven't exactly been practicing what I'm preaching, but I'm going to try very hard. Best of luck to you. anon

How about something other than intercourse? Touching, mutual masturbation, watching porn? I'd definately do the weekend if I were you, but I wouldn't put any emphasis on sex. Simply go expecting a nice, slow, relaxing weekend and if sex happens, sex happens. Otherwise enjoy the quiet.

I'd worry more about lack of intimacy than lack of sex - you can be very intimate without having sex. Good luck! Kathy