Egg Donation
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March 2004
My husband's brother recently found out that he is unable to
produce children. He and his wife really want to have a baby
and have asked my husband if he would be willing to donate his
sperm so that they can get pregnant. Since this isn't the case
of an anonymous donor (my husband and his brother are very
close) what, if anything should they tell their child (if they
do end up getting pregnant)? I'd love to hear from people who
have been through something similar (i.e. family member or
friend who donated either egg or sperm). Thanks
anon
I am about to go through Egg Donor IVF with my sister's egg.
Although I don't know if it will be successful, we are both
fully prepared to discuss the situation with any resulting
children at the appropriate age. My sister and I have never
been extremely close, but this entire process has brought us
very much together. It is an incredible thing she is doing for
me and I will never be able to thank her enough. She says she
won't feel strange when she sees ''herself'' in my child, but only
time will tell. We look so alike anyway, I see myself in her
children already. I never asked her to do this, by the way. She
offered when she found out I couldn't have children of my own.
What gift could be greater?
Rachel
11 years ago, I was an egg donor to my sister so that she could
conceive. After multiple surgeries and attempts at IVF over
many years, she was able to successfully give birth to twins
with the help of my eggs. Now, the boys are 10 years old, and
know that their aunt (me) had a part to play in their birth,
though I don't know how specific their knowledge is at this
point. My sister would often tell them that they were created
from mommy, daddy, ''and a little bit of Aunt Amy''. It has never
been a secret, and I have a special place in their lives, and
them in mine. While during the early years, the issues about the
egg donation are more present (i.e. people commenting on the
kids resemblances, etc) after years go by, we rarely even
remember that there was egg donation. I think honesty
(appropriate to development) and good relationships amongst
donor and donee and spouses is important.
amy
I am pregnant with eggs donated by my sister. It has been a
sometimes difficult but ultimately wonderful experience. First,
I strongly recommend that your husband and his brother get
counseling-- separately and together-- from someone specializing
in fertility issues. (We were happy with therapist Kim Kluger-
Bell on Solano Avenue in Berkeley, 510/524-1475.) It's crucial
for them to realize that they're embarking on a lifelong project
together, and that nobody can predict all the feelings and
issues that may arise as they go through this process. The
important thing is for both of them to commit to doing the
emotional work and getting outside help when necessary. Second,
to answer your specific question, there are so many nuances--
when, how, etc! But in general, I believe in ''keep it simple
and keep it honest.'' Secrecy only breeds shame, and this is
something to be proud of! The message the child should be given
is that his parents wanted him soooo much that they asked the
brother to do this for them and that the donor loved his brother
sooo much that he was willing to give them this incredible gift!
A lot of love goes into creating a child this way, and that
should be a source of joy and celebration, not secrecy or
confusion. As to the question of who is the ''real'' father...
while not denying that the child may feel a special connection
to the genetic father, it is the day-to-day parenting that makes
someone a father. I would be happy to talk/write with you about
this more, if you'd like. Best of luck.
Lisa
Feb 2004
I am about to embark on an egg donation cycle after struggling
with infertility for 4 years. I would like to get some advice
from someone who has undergone egg donation and who is willing to
share their experience with me. Also, I am happy to share my
experiences thus far with others who may be experiencing
fertility issues and comtemplating egg donation.
Please consider contacting Resolve of Northern California
(http://www.resolvenc.org/) and joining a focus group for
couples considering egg donation. This was a tremendous help
for us in deciding to use an egg donor and then receiving
support throughout the process from other couples going through
it at same time.
A Happy Mom!
Feb 2004
My husband & I have a beautiful little girl conceived with an
egg donor. We found our donor thru Diane Michaelson, and she
indicated on her ''resume'' to have little contact with the donor
family. Which my husband & I were fine with. We did email and
sent notes thru our doctor until the day our daughter was born.
Her decision was to not have any pictures or any more
correspondence after her birth. Our daughter does not look like
me or my family,so we know she'll start asking why she doesn't
look like me. We do want to tell her about how she was
conceived, but do we tell her the donors name, the children the
donor has, etc. Since we know this information and even have a
picture of the donor and her family, I feel this would be a big
secret and lie, if we did not tell her everything.Unfortunately,
we didn't discuss this with our donor and I want to respect her
feelings too. Should we try and get in contact with the donor
thru our doctor? What are other parents going to tell their
children?
anon
I feel very strongly that honesty is best. Your child has a
right to know her conception story. I would definately tell
her, as a nice bedtime story maybe to begin with, about your
wanting to have a baby and a doctor helped you. As she gets
older, she'll ask more specific questions, and you can answer
those with the minimum info. If she wants more, she'll rephrase
or ask a different way. I would also talk to the doctor and get
as much info as possible about the donor, even if just to store
it away for future use.
In my opinion, keeping secrets will not be worth the possible
pain and feeling of betrayal your child may feel once the truth
comes out. Also, if you keep it a secret, or act secretive
about it, rather than discuss it openly, she may feel t! hat it is
something to be ashamed of. How sad would that be. She is a
gift, and should be made to understand how wonderful today's
technology is, so that you could realize your dream of becoming
parents.
I have two kids (preteens now) conceived through donor
insemination. Would be happy to answer any more questions.
mjc
We used an egg donor; our twins are now eight. I talking about the nice
woman who
helped us get pregnant as soon as they started asking. I've explained
that we don't
actually know her, nor will we ever. I found it helpful to be matter of
fact, to answer
questions as they come up, and to be clear how deeply and profoundly
grateful I am
for the gift that this stranger gave us. At first, I felt somewhat
fradulent when
people told me that my gorgeous daughter ''looks just like you,'' but
I've come to
accept it and just feel flattered.
anon
We have struggled with this question, too, although our child looks
enough like me not to attract any attention from outsiders in that
regard. Our child is kindergarten-age now. We have always wanted the
info of how we conceived to be something he/she has always known about,
but it's not a concept any child could grasp clearly even at this
point,
despite loving the birth story. We have a book, ''Mommy Did I Grow in
Your Tummy?,'' and when we get to the part about ovum donation, we say,
''that's what mommy and daddy did'', but it's simply not an issue yet.
I
doubt that your child will have any question about why she doesn't look
like you until much later in her life, by which time she will know why
and most likely won't care (although when the teen-age years hit, all
bets are off). Our only concern with telling the chi! ld so openly at
such
an early age is that it will lead to others knowing, and we know from
experience that such ''news'' can lead to negative, hurtful react!
ions (leading to us being much less open about it with outsiders
ourselves), but it's too important to keep a secret; the child
absolutely has the right to know, even if by some accident he/she looks
just like Mom. We deal with the discretion issue separately (''some
things are private'') and of course will be honest if we are ever asked
to explain any offhand comments by the child to someone else. The best
advice I ever got about sharing the info with the child is, ''Tell the
story with a twinkle in your eye.'' The joy and love you have for your
child should not be marred by how you got her: it was just part of the
excitement. I'm not going to saddle my child with the angst I had to go
through in making the decision to go with a donor and dealing with
people's reacations. ! I have absolutely no regrets and couldn't have had
a child more ''mine'' if we shared DNA. We struggled with the
''pictures
of the donor'' thing, too, and were advised by a therapist before our
child was born NOT to have pictures around or include the donor in a family
tree,
that sort of thing. At least at the early ages, children need to be
crystal clear on who Mommy is, and you are Mommy, period. Genetic
heritage is a separate question and should be dealt with as it comes up
later in life. We have no relationship with the donor, at her request,
and were bothered by that before the birth. Now we think it's exactly
right. We have enough info to help the child find her if that's
something he/she wants to do as an adult. At that point it will be
his/her story, not ours.
Signed: Yessir, that's my baby
Dec 2003
I'm thinking about becoming an egg donor, for a couple of
reasons. Of course the money would be helpful, but I also feel
a wee bit guilty for choosing to have just one child, when one
of my friends has been struggling with infertility for several
years and is still unable to have her first child. (I don't
mean to donate directly to her - It won't help - I just want to
contribute to the process in general.) I'd like to hear from
other women who have donated eggs. I have read the facts about
the process, but would like to hear about someone's personal
experience. How were you chosen? How time-consuming or
uncomfortable is the process? What are parents looking for in
a donor? (I'm not exactly supermodel material ;-) but I have a
beautiful little girl! I'm healthy and well-educated and don't
have any bad habits that would ''spoil'' an egg. Would I be
chosen? Or would I put myself out there emotionally and then
be rejected?) I guess I'd just like some details and opinions
before I do something like this! Thanks!
anon
I can only answer your question as a recipient of donated eggs
as to what we looked for in a donor. We used an agency, which I
highly recommend using. The most important factors for us was
age (our donor was 28), health (and family health history),
education and the reason they choose to be a donor. We choose
someone of Northern European decent, since it was the closest
match to my heritage, but that was not nearly as important. I
personally wanted someone tall, since that was the one trait I
wanted to pass on to our child, but again that was secondary to
the other factors.
Donating your eggs can be a wonderful experience. We stay in
touch with our donor, and she has met our child. She is a
wonderful person, who without I would not be a Mom today. She
will always hold a special place in my heart for what she has
given us!
Good luck!
When I was in graduate school, broke and looking for ways to
make a nice chunk of money in a short amount of time, I
considered donating eggs. I thought about it long and hard, did
some research into what it really entails, and then decided
against it. Here's why:
The procedure is invasive and intense. They shoot you full of
many hormones and other things, none of which they can promise
won't lead to cancer 30 years down the line.
Those eggs have the potential to become children - MY children,
at bottom, with half my genetic patterning, my quirks, my
family history, maybe even my hair. I won't sell my own kids,
even the ones who aren't fertilized into being.
In the end, I decided that $3,000 wasn't very much money after
all, especially considering what's at stake.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Thought about it once
I am not a donor, but am the recipient of a wonderful woman's
generosity. How did we decide on this woman as our egg donor?
We went through Woman to Woman in Alamo, 925-820-9495. We
looked through the different donors' applications paying
particular attention to their medical histories ann likelihood
of them producing lots of eggs. We read their essays. We
didn't care that the donor had a PhD or a GED. We did care that
she showed compassion and caring to this process and to her own
children. Our donor was not a super-model but was an okay
looking woman. We made sure that the woman was open to meeting
our child in the future if the child so chose. We did meet her
over coffee to get a feel of her personality, ambitions in life
and motives for donating. We were very nervous going to that
coffee hoping she would like ! us. If I remember correctly the
selection process went fairly quickly on our end, perhaps 2-3
weeks; I don't know how long she waited to be chosen.
Our 4.5 y.o. son is healthy, sweet, more than smart enough and
gorgeous (I'm a bit biased). We have kept in contact with the
donor via notes every 18 months to 2 years and exchanged
pictures of all our children. I think about her all the time
and how blessed we are that she is our donor.
Good luck.
Happy egg recipient
I worked in an Egg Donor Agency for 5 years. Many people are
quick to judge doing IVF because usually they do not have an
infertility problem. I will tell you my opinion from the
employee side (I do not have an infertility problem and am a mom
of a 6 month old baby). I no longer work.
The agency I worked for helps people from all over the world
(IVF/Egg donors isn't available in many countries so people come
to the USA). Intended parents select a donor based on opinions
from their doctor, then usually the same race as intended
mother, then same coloring/same build as intended mother (eyes,
hair, etc.), then others who don't even want to see photos, but
select by what the donor has to say in her application. I'll
tell you that the process will take some time and not everyone
is looking for a supermodel. Because of the world factor, all
types of egg donors are needed. The application is lengthy but
it is the information that will be for a life of a child so be
honest.
I've seen donors selected in 2 hours and some that took over a
year. Once you are selected, the process will take about 8-10
weeks. Some donors have complaints of headaches, tenderness,
cramps and some with nothing at all. You are allowed to donate 6
times and some woman will do the total 6 cycles and some will
only do it once.
Now for the bottom line... The clients that are selecting an egg
donor really, really want a baby. They have usually tried
the ''natural way'', clomid, IUI cycles, IVF on their own and now
need the help of an egg donor. Some will even need a
Gestational Carrier to help them realize their dream of becoming
a parent. Or they are a same sex couple and need an egg donor.
Over the 5 years, I was able to see so many happy people that I
will never forget the experience as long as I live and it was
all due to a woman willing to give something of herself to a
total stranger!
That said... good luck with your decision and congratualtions
for even being open minded enough to think about it.
DiAnn
January 2003
Does anyone know of any donor egg agencies which will not charge
an arm and a leg! Thanx in advance for any help anyone can
offer.
AM
Donor egg agencies cost $10K plus in Northern California. There
are donors who will charge two or three times this amount. If you
go outside the state you might find cheaper agencies, but then
you're stuck with paying for the donor's airfares, hotel
accommodation as well as that of whomever she wants to accompany her.
The best way of reducing costs is to ''share'' a donor with another
couple. That way your costs are reduced although you still have
to pay for your costs of meds, which can be in excess of $3K. Few
agencies do share cycles, but one that does is Dr. Chetkowski at
Alta Bates.
Anon
I've heard of Genesis Family Services. You can look them up on
the internet.
anon
Five years ago we used Woman to Woman Fertility Center in Alamo,
(925) 820-9495. Their website is
http://www.womantowomanfertilitycenter.com/. They were very
kind and sensitive. The director, Marlene Kaminsky, was
wonderful. I can't remember how much it cost. We picked a donor
and met with her before the contract was finalized. We did have
an attorney, Shelley Tarnoff in Piedmont, check on the contract
before we signed it. We were very lucky that we had lots of
eggs and good embryos to freeze. And we needed them. I got
pregnant with the first transfer, but then miscarried. After
that we transferred 5 times (2 embryos each) before one
implanted. From that we have a wonderful 3 year old son. We
have kept in contact with the donor maybe every 1.5 years so far.
Good luck. It is a hard process, but the results can be
magnificent.
Anonymous
We found our donor through the clinic that performed our IVF
- Pacific Fertility Center in San Francisco. We selected the
clinic because they had the best statistics for successful
treatments when it came to donor cycles in the Bay Area,
even though we're in the East Bay and hate commuting to
San Francisco. We were lucky enough to conceive on the
first try and now have beautiful one year old twins. Our
doctors were Dr. Givens and Dr. Schriock. I know one other
couple who went through PFC and they also conceived on
their first try.
Their donor agency is in the same building as their clinic.
We ended up going into the donor facility twice to look at
donor's photos and their applications. In the meantime they
sent us photocopies and descriptions of maybe 12 possible
donors. When we finally saw the woman we thought was a
good match for us (it took two or three months of looking),
we went in to look at her photos in color and to talk about
her with the agency. They knew her because she had
successfully donated two times before. We never met her
but we exchanged cards and I hope to send her some
photos of our babies (through the agency) when I get a
chance.
We paid $5,000 - $6,000 for the donor part of our treatment,
which I think is a fair fee. The donor got $4500 of that which
is fair, considering what she has to go through to produce
the eggs. All of their donors are compensated the same. We
selected her because of her coloring, height, and because
she seemed like a really happy person. She didn't have a
fancy job or a college degree or a high IQ (that we know of)
but she had two beautiful children and we liked what she
said on her application. I preferred using the local agency to
the bigger ones in Southern California for many reasons
and am glad we did. They did all the pre-screening and had
a history with our particular donor. They were easy to work
with and quite responsive.
Good luck with your selection process and a successful
pregnancy and birth!
Check out: http://www.infertilitydoctor.com
anon
Using a donor from an agency is a much more expensive way to go than using
a donor from a fertility clinic. I'd suggest, based on my own experience,
that you talk to Sharon, the donor coordinator at Dr. Weckstein's clinic in
San Ramon (I don't remember their phone number, but he's in the phone
book). I liked him. I also went to Dr. Chetkowski for one visit, and found
his exam needlessly painful, his manner abrupt (when I asked him what a
particular procedure would feel like he said ''Like this!'' and performed
the (painful) procedure right then. Weckstein, by contrast, was unfailingly
gentle and thoughtful.
In any event, his coordinator can tell you what donor options are available
and what they cost. Sharing a donor is less expensive; adopting an embryo
is a whole lot less expensive. Weckstein's office is somewhat unusual in
that they offer a great deal of information about the donor, including many
photos. I felt very comfortable with our donor, and very close to this
stranger whom we'd never know. Resolve (in the phone book in San Francisco,
when I joined them eight years ago) is also a very supportive way to meet
other people dealing with the same questions. Best of luck. My twins (seven
years old) tell me how grateful they are that we the parents tried so hard
to have them. They're very touched that we wanted them so much.
Anon
We used the doctors at PFC and Woman to Woman Fertility Center
in Danville to assist us in finding our donor
(www.womantowomanfertilitycenter.com). I highly recommend
both. As I'm sure you already know, this is very expensive
process. We personally helped justify the cost by comparing it
to the cost of private adoption. One thing that helped us
through the whole process was joining a Resolve
(www.resolvenc.org) focus group that included only couples
interested in using egg donation. Two members of our group
advertised and selected a donor without the help of an agency.
It's a lot of work, but they saved a LOT of money.
Bottom line - egg donation is the best decision I ever made! We
had a wonderful experience with our donor, and today I am the
proud mom of a beautiful toddler. We are currently trying for
our second child with the leftover frozen embryos (this is a
good reason to NOT share a donor with another couple!) I hope
you have as much success as we had with egg donation.
Good Luck!
Feb 1999
I am an ovum donor recipient and am now 6.5 months pregnant. We found
our donor through Woman to Woman. It took a lot of thought and a few
hours of conseling to make the decision to use a donor egg.
We met our donor prior to signing the contract. If you get asked to
do that please don't be offended. We just wanted to see what her
demeanor was and ask her a few qwuestions that could give indications
of what our child may be like. We also wanted to get assurances from
her that we could always contact each other for medical reasons, not
for her to have an ongoing relationship with the child. (Our adopted
nephew died of athlete's heart when he was 17 and, because it was a
closed adoption, there was no way of warning his birth parents or
siblings.) Lastly, we wanted her to look us in the eye and say it
would be okay for our child to meet her if he chose whe he got older.
She couldn't have been more understanding and nicer.
We will be blessed with our second son soon and we will always be
grateful to this wonderful woman who gave us this chance.
To the woman thinking about being an ovum/donor surrogate:
I worked at an egg donation/surrogacy agency for a while and have done
quite a bit of research on the topic, I'm a graduate student in
anthropology. What I have to say about participating in either type of
program is pretty lengthy so if you want to reply to me directly feel free.
I will say though, that in my experience most women who are selected to be
surrogates are usually pleased with their experience, but it is quite a bit
more of an investment of time and emotion than being an egg donor. And the
egg donors who usually make it though selection by the agency and who are
then selected by a couple are usually younger then you. You don't mention
if you have children, which definitely matters if you want to be a
surrogate, and if you go the egg donation route usually they want you to
have been pregnant at least once before. Take care.
I would also like to add that both of my two children were conceived via
IVF using donor eggs . We used the Reproductive Science Center for both
pregnancies and both times had a very positive experience. I highly
recommend Dr. Louis Weckstein at this clinic. He is extremely experienced
and a warm and very friendly human being. And we have two beautiful and
healthy children as a result of this process and we are very grateful to
the women who were our donors and the staff at the Reproductive Science
Center. I also recommend contacting Resolve
for more information about
clinics that are using egg donors and surrogate birth mothers.
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