Using donor eggs for second child

I am beginning to think about the process of using a donor egg, as I can not conceive using my own. I already have a great child (through my own egg), and wanted to get some thoughts from people who have gone through this particular scenario (one child with own egg, one child with donor). I worry that I won't feel as connected to the 2nd b/c it's not my own egg, that there will be discord between the two siblings as a result, that the donor egg child will feel less part of the family, etc. I would love to have a 2nd and would love my 1st to have a sibling, but would like to hear from others who have gone through this. In choosing a donor, do you feel like certain traits were more important than others (i.e. donor looked like you?) Curious how the choice was made. Finally, I'm wondering if you can recommend specific donor egg sites, and/or sites that may provide support around this issue or forums for other egg donor recipients. Thanks

Egg Donation Agencies and Process

I am interested in recommendations for Egg Donation Agencies as well as any specific provider recommendations. We are just starting to learn about the process so any advice would be helpful (cost, length of process, resources etc). Wanna be momma

They were pretty similar. It is all pretty emotional and you will choose according to your criteria anyway. So, flip books of wannabe donors profiles... you look at them, make some choices, they are contacted to take physical and psychiatric examinations. If they pass both (!a few didn't! whole tales in both catagories!) you make a contract and proceed. The Dr coordinates your two cycles and hopefully, you get pregnant.

There are as many deals as different people so,... you will do what you do. The Nurse Coordinators have a lot to do! I just followed directions and it worked out. My kids are really normal after all that! Hooray!

We were very lucky with a lot of things: Michelsen's office was so professional to work with, the most incredible reproductive endocrinologist Susan Wilman of Orinda (with Reproductive Science Center), and our donor, who is still very much a part of our life. Can't help with costs since they would not be relevent today. Have a great journey. very blessed with all who helped us

IVF with donor eggs

After several IUIs and two unsuccessful IVF treatments, we have come to a point where we must decide whether to spend more money on another IVF or try IVF with a donor egg since I'm 41 (or just give up the process). I'm looking for advice on two issues - has anyone been successful with conceiving through IVF with their own eggs after 2 or more IVF attempts? Also, has anyone had success with donor eggs? My only reservation with a donor egg is that I'll feel a sense of loss that the child is not biologically mine. My daughter is a ''mini me'' in looks and personality and it is so wonderful when I see her do something that reminds me of me. I'm slightly afraid if I proceed with a donor egg, I'll always feel a sense of loss not seeing my personality or looks in the child and this wouldn't be fair to the child. I know my fears are not exactly rational and I know even if I have another biological child, it doesn't mean they are going to be like me. I know people adopt all the time and it doesn't change how much they love their children. I know I would love any child that came into our lives, but I want to be sure it is the right situation before proceeding. If anyone has done IVF with a donor egg and can add their thoughts I would appreciate it. Anonymous

I also grew up in a household of foster/adopted children. And one of my adoptive sisters and I look almost identical. Whereas like I said before my biological brother and I look nothing alike.

The sense of loss not seeing my personality or looks in the child - could seem to be the case, or what could happen but believe me its not the case unless you put your energy into believing it is. However- it's not silly or wrong to think that might happen (especially if this is a new process).

It's always a wise idea to make sure your heart, thoughts, and energy are in balance.

There were several reasons why I chose donor egg IVF over adoption. With my first child, I wanted the whole experience of pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, etc. Also, after having 2 failed IVF cycles which is heartbreaking itself, the donor cycle just seemed like one more step, in which someone else does the first half. I felt more in control. I pick the donor, rather than waiting to be ''picked'' by an adoptive mother.

The other advantage of donor cycle is that during pregnancy, your risk of genetic issues is more similar to that of your donor (late 20s) rather than yours (40s).

I'm a nurture vs. nature person, and believe that my son has alot of my characteristics and personality, even though he doesn't have any of my genes. I did pick a donor who looks similar to me, but I do get that he looks alot like me. Good luck and do what's best for you and your family! Anon

Have you had a baby via egg donation?

I am 39. We have a 4 year old biological daughter and have been trying to conceive a second without success. After almost a year of fertility-focused acupuncture and herbs to help combat my High FSH/Low Antral Follicle Count(4)/Diminished Ovarian Reserve, my doctor has advised us that the only realistic way to build our family is through adoption or having a baby with a donor egg.

We are looking into both options, while also trying to grieve the loss of a biological child we assumed would come to our family. We've been to both adoption agencies and fertility clinics with egg donation programs and have done our homework. We also know several lovely adoptive families and have been lucky enough to hear their beautiful stories and feedback on their processes, etc.

What we don't have are real stories from families who've grown via donor eggs. This is a lonely process for me and I am wondering if any mothers out there who are raising children birthed with the gift of a donor egg would be willing to share their experiences or advice in how to navigate this? I am especially interested in hearing from families whose first child may be a fully biological child, with the second only genetically connected to the father (assuming a straight family). We've read ''How to Have Your Baby Through Egg Donation,'' but some advice or words of encouragement from real live local moms would go a long way.

We are working with Pacific Fertility Center in SF & Eldon Schriock is our doc. We've yet to pursue any fertility treatments as IVF with my own eggs stands a very low chance (5% vs. 60% with donor egg).

Again, no need for adoption advice or encouragement as we're set there. Advice and feedback on egg donation is so, so welcome.

Thanks in advance, Hopeful Mama

We harvested 18 eggs. The first try I became pregnant and miscarried. We then tried 6 more times before I became pregnant again. We had two more embryos left. After our son was born we exchanged 1 or 2 letters with the donor. We have each others addresses in case medical information is needed. Other than that she has left us completely alone.

Our son is a wonderful child. He is completely different than his older brother. It makes me wonder at times, what if ... My first son is like me and my second is exactly like my husband, his biological father. However this is no different than a lot of families we know with very different kids.D

Do we treat him differently? No, I don't think so. Do I sometimes tease my husband in private that they aren't my genes? Yes. The only people we have told about the donor is my mother and sister, she was guardian for a while and the pediatrician. We have talked to my son about the donor, but nobody else, not even his brother. It is up to him to tell people if he wants. My husband and I feel blessed that he is in our lives and lucky to have had all the medical procedures to help us. Lucky and Blessed

I know that I was very fortunate with my situation but, other than that, we had a 60% chance of success compared to many IVF situations and everything seemed to go well. I also used PFC and was very happy. I talk to some other mothers who used egg donation and realize that everyone has different feelings and that using a paid donor can bring different feelings/issues in to the mix. Recognize them and think them through so that you are comfortable with your choice. Every day I look at my son and am thankful for my precious gift. I am including my email address so that you can contact me if I can be of help. Best of luck to you. steppi

I was 42 and 45 years old. The two pregnancies are from the same donor cycle. The first fresh and the second frozen. They are both perfect children. Really! They are 10 & 7 years old and big tooth cute, smart, funny, really average in most ways = perfect, right? I mean, I think they are brilliant of course but the main thing is that there is nothing wrong with them.

OK. so how is it for me that they are my husband's sperm and not my egg? The donor was very similar to me physically, just 14 years younger.... She felt that her genes were good. There is a lot of insanity in my family so, I could never say that I had good genes with a straight face! I sort of get comfort knowing they aren't prone to senility, pack ratty ocd etc. and they don't look that much like him either so... people always think we are the grandparents...and that doesn't really bother us.

I guess I am writing to tell you that basically, it mattered a lot when, like you are now, we were thinking it through. I felt sad and ashamed. But now? I just fuss about and worry and want the best for them like everyone else's mom.

I did breast feed them 2 1/2 & 3 years. So that's a bit longer than most but not as long as some! And, we turned out to be ''attachment parenting'' people which I never even heard of before and was perhaps, me compensating for them not being my eggs but I don't know, when they are born you just get so engrossed, I think everyone surprises themselves.

One last idea is that you are sort of adopting the eggs. Good luck to you!

Since I used donor sperm, my experience won't help you out, but the website will. Elated with my decision to use a donor.

He is not old enough to ask questions yet, but I'm not concerned about my responses; there are plenty of resources out there to help you with that.

Alternately, I have many friends who have adopted, and adopted a second child with a biological child as the elder. They would not have their family composed any differently. Good luck! Hopeful for you

My friends chose to use two different egg donors, one a family member and one not. They've been a model to me -- a lesbian, co-parenting two kids with my spouse -- of how to raise children in a new understanding of ''family.'' They have always been open with their children about the relationships between the donors and them and the kids. They are a wonderful family -- loving, supportive and with all of the regular stuff of family too.

I'm the bio mom of my children and it has been a journey for my spouse to really know in her bones that these are her children, as much as they are mine (Something I have never doubted). And it's been completely worth all of the challenges (and ones that are certain to come.) Wishing you the best

You didn't ask for advice, but I can't help it anyway (if it's not too late!): choose the donor with your heart as well as your head.We thought our first donor was perfect for us in terms of genetics but she had some emotional issues (not enough to disqualify her as a donor) and none of the embryos resulted in a baby. Who knows if these two facts are related--my friend was sure they were--but the next time we chose a donor whose reasons for donating seemed more altruistic and I got pregnant the first round. I couldn't be more bonded to my child (now 7). Our only regret was that we felt too old to try for another with the leftover embryos.

Anat

Pregnancy and Parenting after DE IVF: http://www.network54.com/Forum/247611/ Looking to Become a Mom Via Egg Donation: http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/ I'd be happy to share my experiences with you if you want to send email. icountblessings

In our minds there is no difference between our eldest and the twins, they are all 100% our kids. I only really think about how the twins were conceived when people start talking about who they look like (interestingly, many think our son looks much more like my family). We have been very open with our family and friends about how the twins were conceived and intend to tell them as they start asking about where they came from. In fact, as our eldest has starting asking questions, we have been telling her that there are many ways for families to come together.

There is no one right answer for all families, for us egg donation was the right way to expand our family and if I could go back, I wouldn't do anything differently, including having biological children. These are the kids who were meant to be ours and we are lucky to have them.

Feel free to get my email from the moderator if you would like to talk more offline. Joanne

Reviews of egg donor agencies?

Reviewed the archives, don't see anything very recent on Bay Area donor agencies. People seem to be happy with Woman To Woman, does anyone know anything about Ova The Rainbow, Family Fertility Center or Family Formation (Diane Michelsen)? Answer will be much appreciated - thank you! Wanna Be A Mommy... BAD

Best wishes for you on your journey! anonymous

Family member donating egg or sperm?

My husband's brother recently found out that he is unable to produce children. He and his wife really want to have a baby and have asked my husband if he would be willing to donate his sperm so that they can get pregnant. Since this isn't the case of an anonymous donor (my husband and his brother are very close) what, if anything should they tell their child (if they do end up getting pregnant)? I'd love to hear from people who have been through something similar (i.e. family member or friend who donated either egg or sperm). Thanks anon

Have you undergone egg donation?

I am about to embark on an egg donation cycle after struggling with infertility for 4 years. I would like to get some advice from someone who has undergone egg donation and who is willing to share their experience with me. Also, I am happy to share my experiences thus far with others who may be experiencing fertility issues and comtemplating egg donation.

Thinking about becoming an egg donor

I'm thinking about becoming an egg donor, for a couple of reasons. Of course the money would be helpful, but I also feel a wee bit guilty for choosing to have just one child, when one of my friends has been struggling with infertility for several years and is still unable to have her first child. (I don't mean to donate directly to her - It won't help - I just want to contribute to the process in general.) I'd like to hear from other women who have donated eggs. I have read the facts about the process, but would like to hear about someone's personal experience. How were you chosen? How time-consuming or uncomfortable is the process? What are parents looking for in a donor? (I'm not exactly supermodel material ;-) but I have a beautiful little girl! I'm healthy and well-educated and don't have any bad habits that would ''spoil'' an egg. Would I be chosen? Or would I put myself out there emotionally and then be rejected?) I guess I'd just like some details and opinions before I do something like this! Thanks! anon

Donating your eggs can be a wonderful experience. We stay in touch with our donor, and she has met our child. She is a wonderful person, who without I would not be a Mom today. She will always hold a special place in my heart for what she has given us! Good luck!

The agency I worked for helps people from all over the world (IVF/Egg donors isn't available in many countries so people come to the USA). Intended parents select a donor based on opinions from their doctor, then usually the same race as intended mother, then same coloring/same build as intended mother (eyes, hair, etc.), then others who don't even want to see photos, but select by what the donor has to say in her application. I'll tell you that the process will take some time and not everyone is looking for a supermodel. Because of the world factor, all types of egg donors are needed. The application is lengthy but it is the information that will be for a life of a child so be honest.

I've seen donors selected in 2 hours and some that took over a year. Once you are selected, the process will take about 8-10 weeks. Some donors have complaints of headaches, tenderness, cramps and some with nothing at all. You are allowed to donate 6 times and some woman will do the total 6 cycles and some will only do it once.

Now for the bottom line... The clients that are selecting an egg donor really, really want a baby. They have usually tried the ''natural way'', clomid, IUI cycles, IVF on their own and now need the help of an egg donor. Some will even need a Gestational Carrier to help them realize their dream of becoming a parent. Or they are a same sex couple and need an egg donor. Over the 5 years, I was able to see so many happy people that I will never forget the experience as long as I live and it was all due to a woman willing to give something of herself to a total stranger!

That said... good luck with your decision and congratualtions for even being open minded enough to think about it. DiAnn

Less expensive donor egg agencies?

Does anyone know of any donor egg agencies which will not charge an arm and a leg! Thanx in advance for any help anyone can offer. AM

The best way of reducing costs is to ''share'' a donor with another couple. That way your costs are reduced although you still have to pay for your costs of meds, which can be in excess of $3K. Few agencies do share cycles, but one that does is Dr. Chetkowski at Alta Bates. Anon

Their donor agency is in the same building as their clinic. We ended up going into the donor facility twice to look at donor's photos and their applications. In the meantime they sent us photocopies and descriptions of maybe 12 possible donors. When we finally saw the woman we thought was a good match for us (it took two or three months of looking), we went in to look at her photos in color and to talk about her with the agency. They knew her because she had successfully donated two times before. We never met her but we exchanged cards and I hope to send her some photos of our babies (through the agency) when I get a chance.

We paid $5,000 - $6,000 for the donor part of our treatment, which I think is a fair fee. The donor got $4500 of that which is fair, considering what she has to go through to produce the eggs. All of their donors are compensated the same. We selected her because of her coloring, height, and because she seemed like a really happy person. She didn't have a fancy job or a college degree or a high IQ (that we know of) but she had two beautiful children and we liked what she said on her application. I preferred using the local agency to the bigger ones in Southern California for many reasons and am glad we did. They did all the pre-screening and had a history with our particular donor. They were easy to work with and quite responsive.

Good luck with your selection process and a successful pregnancy and birth! Check out: http://www.infertilitydoctor.com anon

In any event, his coordinator can tell you what donor options are available and what they cost. Sharing a donor is less expensive; adopting an embryo is a whole lot less expensive. Weckstein's office is somewhat unusual in that they offer a great deal of information about the donor, including many photos. I felt very comfortable with our donor, and very close to this stranger whom we'd never know. Resolve (in the phone book in San Francisco, when I joined them eight years ago) is also a very supportive way to meet other people dealing with the same questions. Best of luck. My twins (seven years old) tell me how grateful they are that we the parents tried so hard to have them. They're very touched that we wanted them so much. Anon

Bottom line - egg donation is the best decision I ever made! We had a wonderful experience with our donor, and today I am the proud mom of a beautiful toddler. We are currently trying for our second child with the leftover frozen embryos (this is a good reason to NOT share a donor with another couple!) I hope you have as much success as we had with egg donation. Good Luck!

I am an ovum donor recipient and am now 6.5 months pregnant. We found our donor through Woman to Woman. It took a lot of thought and a few hours of conseling to make the decision to use a donor egg. We met our donor prior to signing the contract. If you get asked to do that please don't be offended. We just wanted to see what her demeanor was and ask her a few qwuestions that could give indications of what our child may be like. We also wanted to get assurances from her that we could always contact each other for medical reasons, not for her to have an ongoing relationship with the child. (Our adopted nephew died of athlete's heart when he was 17 and, because it was a closed adoption, there was no way of warning his birth parents or siblings.) Lastly, we wanted her to look us in the eye and say it would be okay for our child to meet her if he chose whe he got older. She couldn't have been more understanding and nicer. We will be blessed with our second son soon and we will always be grateful to this wonderful woman who gave us this chance.