Possible to get over the anger, have a peaceful divorce?

My husband turned 50 last year and said he decided he had to be honest in his life. He told me he hasn?t been in love with me for many years and wants a divorce. I am very angry, in part because it will be so hard on us financially, and in part because I?m afraid of being lonely. But, I don?t want my anger to lead us to war in court. I?ve heard such terrible stories. We have three kids, all under 10 years old, and I don?t want them to be destroyed by this. I don?t want to be destroyed by this myself. A few years ago there were some posts on BPN on whether getting divorced in a peaceful way is possible. I guess those posts are still relevant but I can really use some present-day inspiration. Is it possible to get over the anger and have a peaceful (or at least semi-amicable) relationship with someone who hurt you like this? And has anybody used a professional mediator who really helped them achieve peace with an ex where there was a lot of unresolved anger? I need some hopeful words!

While this sounds like a lot of people (and a lot of expense) it turns out to cost less if everyone is on board. My divorce coach is Eve Poling and she has an office in Rockridge, but there are many to choose from. I recommend you take a look at this website: http://www.collaborativepracticeeastbay.com. There are many regional organizations. I had never heard of this prior to my husband locating someone who practiced this way.

If you think this might be an interesting solution for you, I encourage you to check it out.

I have no false illusions that this will be trouble free, but we are so committed to our sons coming out of this well, we will set aside our issues to serve their best interest.

Although my husband is very angry at me, we both agree we want to 'uncouple' this way.

Best of luck to you. Going through it, too.

I choose to be peaceful and seek ways to support that choice. Meditation, taking walks & reading helpful books. Knowing that besides being a loving mother, one of the most important things I can do for my child is to find a way to be peaceful with his father is incentive enough for me. Go to the library and get every book that feels right to you. Conscious Divorce, Ending a Marriage with Integrity by Susan Allison is a good one. Using Divorce Mediation, Save Your Money & Your Sanity by Katherine E. Stoner (NOLO) is a very helpful guide. Give peace a chance. We have to believe it is possible. The alternative is bleak. Lazarous

First off, I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I went through it myself and it was a huge challenge: shocking, hard, and painful.

To cut to the chase, though, yes, it is absolutely possible to have a peaceful divorce.

I think there are two issues: first, can you deal with your own anger? and then second, can you have a peaceful divorce? The second part depends in large part on the first. This is absolutely huge. I have some ideas about getting over anger, and I'd be happy to share those with you in a private email if you're interested.

Now regarding divorce, my ex and I decided to go the mediator route. We chose Larry Rosen, who's a lawyer and trained in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Larry helped us get to the roots of what each of us wanted and needed and figure out how to get it. He helped us communicate calmly and effectively and understand each other better. I heard my ex express things I now realize he had been feeling for years but I never really got, and I think he experienced the same thing. Larry is skillful, insightful, and calm. With his help we created a (very unusual) settlement agreement that addresses our needs and desires in a way that works for both of us.

One very unusual thing about Larry is his pricing structure. He asks for a ''gift'' of a certain amount of money per hour, and then the clients decide whether they can comfortably pay that, and offer what they can. That rate remains flexible; we changed ours as circumstances changed. Larry's first concern is that the process works for everyone: his work is valued and appreciated and the clients feel they can afford his services and remain committed to peaceful separation.

In short, I worked a lot on myself to deal with anger, and we got a great mediator. My ex and I went from barely speaking last December to celebrating Thanksgiving together with our children and my new partner this year. We're not unusual---you can also have a peaceful divorce.

All the best to you. d.

I have to do my part now, don't feel alone. A peaceful divorce is possible. I can't recommend Larry Rosen enough. There are no words. His website is www.throughunderstanding.com He has an office in Berkeley. His number is (415) 235-8968.

Good luck to you. Remember there is hope. Divorce is difficult but there can be a life for you and your child or children after the details are worked out. My ex and I will never be best buddies but we are able to co-parent and be mature adults. Sara

I hope it can help you. We are hopeful that it will help us keep our family emotionally whole. Going through it, too.

I am motivated by what I DON'T want in my relationship with my ex: the constant stress of fighting and hostility, unpleasant encounters witnessed by the kids, etc. You know the type of divorced couple I'm talking about, the ones who always bad- mouth each other and can't seem to get past their hatred of each other. That's what I don't want. I don't want my life to be controlled by him/my feelings about him. Like you said, you don't want to be destroyed by this yourself.

So when I feel hurt or angry and I want to lash out, I try to hold myself in and communicate in a positive, respectful manner. I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, not at all, and I don't always succeed. I have to fake it, a lot of the time. But when I make an effort to be friendly to him, he's (usually) friendly to me. We've tried to keep the good parts of our relationship in our post-married state. We get along pretty well most of the time.

Look at it this way: you have three kids under ten together. You are going to be a part of each others' lives (whether you want to or not) forever because of that. It's up to both of you to make it what it will be.

I read a book called Still Friends: Living Happily Ever After Even If Your Marriage Falls Apart by Barbara Quick. Even though she doesn't give a lot of tips on how to accomplish this, there were a lot of anecdotes in the book that made me think it was possible.

I know it's hard. I really, really know. But I think it's worth it. It's got to be better than the alternative. Rooting for you

Peaceful way to Divorce??

Hello, I have been married for 13 years and have two young sons. My husband had an affair two years ago and we haven't been able to be close or warm to each other since (we've tried). I'm finally ready to leave the marriage. But I don't want to go through an ugly divorce. Though I'm still very angry with my husband, I care about him, and most of all, I want to set a good example for my kids. I want expert help but I don't want to fight. I'm afraid to see an attorney because I suspect (s)he'll tell me that I should fight for what's mine, and I don't want to go that route. Does anyone have a recommendation for mediator or an attorney that can help me get through this peacefully? I mean with caring. Also, I don't have $10,000 to spend on the process, so I guess that's a constraint with attorneys. (I know there are some similar postings but they aren't exactly on the subject, and they aren't that recent). Thanks kindly

I used a man named Larry Rosen, who runs a service called Through Understanding. His website is www.throughUnderstanding.com. (415-356-9834. They have offices in Berkely and SF) All I can say is that the approach is shockingly different. In all disputes, he tries to help the people understand each other's perspectives and re-connect. He says that all conflicts are caused by people not understanding each other and that all solutions, if they are to be enduring, must resolve the underlying relationship issues. He helped us be friends again after what was the most painful period of my life. Yes, we're actually friends, or at least we still care about each other, which is the best thing in the world for my kids. And here's the really strange part (which is also really beautiful) the billing system is gift-based, or something like that (I forget what he calls it). Essentially, he has a billable rate that he ''requests'' but then allows you to offer him whatever works best for you. I thought it was scam when my neighbor told me about it, but it's for real. I don't think he's got a psychology background, though I do know he's really into eastern philosophy and has written books about the subject. He is a licensed lawyer though (strange combination of attributes) and so he did all the legal work as well as helping us redefine our relationship. It wasn't easy, and is still sometimes very difficult, but it was kind of like a spiritual divorce (if that's possible). I tell everyone I can about this service because I really do feel like he gave me a gift. I think he's pretty busy these days...but give me a call and please tell him I sent you.

I really hope this turns out well for you. Write me if you want more advice. Becky

Maybe you want to consider talking with a therapist about the best way to end the marriage, so by the time you get to a mediator/attorney, the legalities will be more formalities. I don't know many skilled couples therapists, but I know one who has specialty in couples work, and I've gotten good feedback about. She has offices in Danville and Albany, Dr. Yael Goldblatt. Good luck. anon

One I know well and highly recommend is Eva Herzer - 526-5144. She is in Kensington and used to be a family law litigator, now does mediation and is highly effective and well regarded.

For custody and relationship issues I would also recommend Adele Grunberg - 530-9049. She is a lawyer and has a degree in mediation but did not practice family law so I would use her for relationship issues but not complicated property division issues.

Good luck! amy