Adults and X-Rated Websites
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Adults and X-Rated Websites
i was on my in-laws computer looking for a web site that i had
visited a few days back and saw that there were several
hardcore porn sites that had been visited. i checked out their
cookies file and saw hundreds of super hardcore sites that were
being viewd on a daily basis. my father in-law doesn't know how
to turn on the computer and there is absolutly no way that my
mother-in-law would view these sites. that leaves my 30 year
old brother in-law who is still living with his parents. my 2
year old son spends lots of alone time with his grandparents
and uncle for sleepovers and weekend stays. i am totally
freaked out that my brother-in-law could be visiting these
sites with my son here. is this his private business and i
should keep my mouth shut unless my son gives me reason to
suspect anything innapropriate going on or should i be very
concerned? i am pretty sick over it right now. i plan on
telling my husband and i know he is going to be very upset as
he is very close with his brother. i am really at a loss over
how concerned to be and what to do about it. thanks for your
I visit hardcore porn sites fairly regularly, and I'm a mother
of a young child! I don't see anything inherently wrong with
porn (I guess that's obvious since I do it too)-- a lot of
people view internet porn and I bet your brother's habits are
in the majority for 30 yr old single male rather than the
That being said, I would make sure that my child couldn't
access the porn in any way. If there is no password lock on
the computer now, I would ask my folks/brother to enable one,
explaining in general terms that I want to make sure my child
accesses only age appropriate internet content (there are lots
of ways to approach it without pointing a finger at your
Adult content is appropriate for adults only.
What makes you think your brother inlaw is visiting these sites
while your child is present? Do you have real cause to be
concerned? Because what you have described is hardly in itself a
real reason, and in my opinion it would be very rude of you to
confront him about his 'personal' life on the internet unless you
have a valid concern. My own DH has plenty of porn on his
bookmarks, but I consider that his business, and it certainly
doesn't mean he is incapable of caring for our 3 yr old daughter.
Unless it was porn for pedophiles, in my opinion, it is of no concern and
none of your business. It seems a little extreme to think that just b/c this
man looks at porn he would ever look at it when your son could be
exposed to it--unless there is some other cause for concern about your
brother-in-law that you did not mention in your post. If you look at the
HUGE numbers of people who look at porn you have to realize that
many to most of these folks have kids or are around kids with no harm to
the kids. However, if you have existing concerns about your brother-in-
law, that is another issue.
not a porn fan but could care less if others are
If I was in your husbandUs shoes and you came to me with this
information, I certainly wouldnUt be upset or even surprised. It
is what I would expect. That is what men do. They masturbate,
like your husband does, and many of them prefer internet porn as
an aid. It really doesnUt have anything to do with their
relationships with other people. This is his private sexual
business. Shame on him for not cleaning up after himself, but he
probably didnUt know anyone was going to be peeking. You were
shocked that he would do this? Would you find it odd if I thought
your masturbation practices, whatever they may be, had anything
to do with me or my child in your presence?
I have discovered that my reactions are a doorway into myself. A
part of my big reactions includes a distinct discomfort or pain
in my body that the reaction itself seems to be taking me away
from. It is like unconscious pain assuagement with the lashing
out at something outside of myself serving as a distraction from
what is really going on with me. I have found that moving toward
and into the discomfort while at the same time letting go of the
blame directed outside myself offers me an experience that
ultimately allows me to feel more free and at ease in my body and
in the world. This isnUt always easy but it is always rewarding.
I am a woman with what I think is a healthy fantasy life, and I
enjoy reading erotic literature and occasionally looking at porn.
I don't know what you mean by ''hard core,'' and from your
description it sounds as if your brother-in-law may be on-line a
lot looking at this stuff, but to my mind, this is none of your
business. Unless you have reason to believe that he's a pedophile
(the sites are pedophile sites?) or that he shows these sites to
your son or otherwise behaves inappropriately, I think you are out
of line to investigate his fantasy life (you ''checked the
cookies''? this isn't your computer, I take it?) and report on him
to his brother. He's an adult. You're an adult. If he's not
behaving inappropriately in his dealings with you and your family,
you don't need to know how he gets sexual satisfaction.
fantasy is fantasy
I'd suggest you say NOTHING to anyone -- accept to ask your brother-in-
law not to look at ''adult'' websites while your son is in the house, and be
sure the computer is off or password protected. Tell him the truth about
how you found his stash, and how easily someone else (your son?)
could do the same thing.
If your in laws and husband don't know he's doing this, its completely
inappropriate for them to hear it from you, unless you think his behavior
is actually illegal or dangerous to your son.
If its actually illegal -- call the authorities. If your child is being harmed...
do whatever it takes to protect your child, starting with not leaving him
there when you aren't with him.
If your brother-in-law is not breaking the law, and not dangerous to your
child, but you just don't like what he's doing.... confronting him about his
private behavior in his own home is completely improper. Telling
anyone else would be rude. Adults have privacy rights, and that
PLEASE follow your gut instinct here. Never leave your child
alone with this person. Never allow sleepovers. Your intuition
is always right, don't compromise your child regardless of who
the person is.
Unless the porn sites were child pornography sites, I wouldn't
worry at all. Many, many, many (did I say many?) men enjoy
pornography, including men who are wonderful parents,
grandparents and yes, uncles. The fact that he looks at internet
porn doesn't mean he's looking at it when your son is in the
room, I rather suspect he doesn't as this is the kind of thing
most men rather do in private. Think of it as sex, you are
having it, your in-laws are having it, but it's not affecting
your child, is it?
So leave things alone or discuss them with your husband if you must.
I have some ideas for how to handle this. First, protect your
in-laws by cleaning out the cookies and links to these sites.
For Internet Explorer, right click on the desktop icon and
select Properties, select Delete Cookies and Delete Files in the
General tab. Next, I don't think it is really any of your
business what your brother-in-law does with his free time.
Looking at porn does not mean someone is going to do the things
they are looking at. But you do have a right to discuss this
with him and express your concerns about your little boy. I
suggest that you mention what you found, tell him you clean up
the computer to protect your in-laws, and set some guidelines
like no browsing while the nephew is in the house, to make you
feel more comfortable. I wonder if he is paying for the
internet service? Good luck.
I would not leave my young son alone in that house any more
while the uncle is there. Perhaps your husband can talk to his
parents about it, and they can start coming over to your house
to visit without the uncle? Notifying the uncle will probably
just make him learn how to erase the cookies, so I don't think
that will help.
Better safe than sorry.
I too would loose my sleep over something like this. It's likely
that your son is in no danger whatsoever and this man is just
into porn (I assume these looked like adult porn sites and not
pedophilic sites). Your child's safety and your own peace of mind
should come first.
I would talk to the brother in law and confront him about the
porn sites. Tell him you know he visits them and that you don't
want your child to be anywhere near when this happens. Tell him
you don't judge his sexual life as long as it doesn't harm in
anyway your child. I would also talk to your husband first, no
matter how close he is to his brother he should have the well
being of your son as his priority
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