Our Discussions

Looking for My Iranian Father
1 (a mother)


I am a mother of two boys! I really don't know where to begin. All I know that I am half Iranian and half spanish. My father is from Iran and my mother is from Spain. I don't know much about Iran and my father. All I know is that my father was my abusive to my mom, sister and myself. I do not know who he is or know where he is. At this time I have tears running down my cheeks. I have been hurt by this man. My sister was born defected. She is down syndrome and I remember my father hitting her for no reason what so ever. The one I can remember so clearly is when she was trying to learn to walk she bumped into his cigarette, my father started to hit her very badly. My grandmother kicked him out and later my mother divorced him.

I remember seeing my father abusing my mother as well. He use to choke her until she was blue in the face and badly cut and bruise her badly. I was just a little girl when my father left and when he came to after a long while he expected me to except him with open arms. I didn't understand what was going on at the time until now. Now I look back and understand everything.

When he came to my house he told me he was my father and me being ignorant and young I didn't' know so i answered him by telling him that he wasn't and that my father was in the house: (meaning my grandfather). And what do I get in return? A slap in the face!! And why? Because, I didn't know who my father was. How was I to know?

He never gave us love or treated me and my sister as his own!!! When a few years pasted he visited one last time. When he can over it was to borrow money from my grandmother, in which he didn't receive. Before he left he told me he was going to buy me ice cream, for e to wait for him and he would be right back. Now wouldn't you know he would lie to a 5 year old kid. And the worst thing about it is that I believed him. I waited and waited, day in and day out. I would stay for long hours at the window expecting him to come with my ice cream. Until one day my grandmother asked me who and what I was waiting for. I told her that the man said he was going to bring me some ice cream!!! Bare in mind I still didn't know he was my father.

When I got older I realized that my grandfather was not my father. And the way I found out was in school. I was made fun of, because I was different. My face and name said it all. My third grade teacher use to make fun of me and called me a camel jockey, towel head, and alot of other names in front of the class. And mind you this was a parochial school. I didn't understand why I deserved such names!!! Until I had enough and told my grandmother and grandfather what was going on. They sat me down and explained to me that my father was from Iran and that the teacher and the students were very prejudice. My grandmother ok it to the principle and got her fired.

My point is this do you think it is stupid for me to try to find out who and where he is? Do you think it is stupid for me to want to find out the other half of my culture? My mother I am foolish and dumb for wanting to do so. She thinks it is honoring my father. But I don't think it is. I feel I have the right to know who were my other grandparents and other relatives don't you think. I don't care if my father was a mean and selfish man all I care is I want to know who my are my other relatives are!!!! I am not asking for love from this man nor am I asking him to except me. All I ask is if he can let me in on his parents and his other family members that's all. I don't think I am asking for too much.

I married a anglo man from Germany and my children look white, but their face carries the beautiful features form Iran. Every time we run into people from Iran and without saying a word they can tell I carry that blood line and they also can tell by looking at my children's face despite of their color of skin, eyes, and hair. I have pictures of my father and I look exactly like the man. My children as well. The only thing different is that I am female and my boys have blond hair and blue eyes.

My eldest son ask me where is my father and all I can tell him is my father passed away. (meaning my grandfather) My grandmother and my children are close, and he also ask me why he only has one great-grandmother. And that I cannot really answer him there. I cannot lie and say they passed away if I don't know. I am not lying when I tell him that my father passed away because he was the only father I knew!

I am really stressed out with my passed and present future. He knows the address and phone number!!! I has never changed why doesn't he care about me and my sister??? I found a letter that was written along time ago stating that he wished we were girls! It's not my fault I was born into this world born a female. I never asked to be born. I am getting very desperate and impatient!!! I want to know more of my background history. I hurts me very much to not know who are related to me. That man has cheated both me and his family. When my father found out that his father came down here to look for him, m sister and myself, he took off hidding and this I found out from his friend who is now passed away. I called him uncle Reza even though he wasn't my uncle. He passed away when I was 14 and I really wish he was alive!!!!! He always knew where his where abouts were.

I want to know if you by any chance know my father or maybe find out by other people you know. I want to talk to him face to face and get to know what he is all about. I got a feeling he is not the same mean man that he was once was. I would really appreciated if you would ask around for me if you don't know who he is. I am asking you to please help me!!!!!! My mother doesn't know about me looking for him, nor will I ever tell her. My husband supports me all the way. I feel blessed for having such a sweet husband that cares and such a beautiful blood line. I am very proud to say I am Iranian!!!!! Even though I don't know that much about Iran. All I know is how to cook some of foods and they are great dishes if I may say so.

Thank you,

2 (a mother)

We just found out that my husband is Half Persian. He is adopted and we have located his birthfamily. His birthfather is Persian and bithmother English and German. So far they have refused all contact. We have also found out he has 3 full blooded sisters. The birthparents are married to this day and it is very hard to understand why they would not want contact with their only son. Now is the time for us to learn more about his heritage and also to teach our 2 children that they also have this heritage. Any links to support groups that may deal with this would be appreciated. This is very exciting to us and we know nothing about the Iranian culture. Thank you,

3 (a mother)

Hi mothers #1 and #2,

It's interesting that madar-pedar would receive two emails in short time span together both dealing with the issue of finding a birthparent and learning more about their Iranian heritage. First let me say that I cannot profess to understand how you feel, I can only sympathize. These stories make me want to be a better parent and make sure that my own children learn ways to deal with relationships, responsibility, consequences and how our what we do in private does impact others in a more public way.

I don't think that there are any easy answers to either family's scenario. I know that things don't always turn out in a fairy tale ending - so I would caution against having high expectations that are dependent on other people. People do dumb things and sometimes there is NEVER a resonable answer.

Wishing you and your families the very best and the prayer for peach & happiness.

4 (a madar)

Dear mother #1,

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is very natural for you to find out about your Iranian family and culture. I am very sorry about your father being abusive. I am sure not everyone in your family is. You are very lucky you had a wonderful mother and caring grandparents. Good luck with your search

God bless Your boys

5 (a madar)

I think it is crucial for parents to understand the important role of the cutlural heritage and blood-relations and raise their children appropriately. Your email may or may not help you find your father. However, it helps many other parents understand their important roles in the life of their children.

I was touched by your honest words. It helps me further understand the importance of that missing link!

6 (a web visitor)

I am also looking for my Iranian father and would be very interested to know of any organisations who deal with this issue, I am so sorry that there are so many of us without fathers. I wonder sometimes just how men like this live with their conscience.

Please send your replies and/or opinions regarding this subject to madar-pedar@surya.eecs.berkeley.edu.

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