Our Discussions
My Glamorous Daughter
1 (a madar)
ba salaam,
my daughter (only 5 years old!) is fascinated by dresses,
jewelry, make up, high-heel shoes, ...
She already knows how to put lip stick on her lips without a mirror, she
loves wearing high heel shoes, and watching herself in the mirror.
I think that life has phases that we all go through. if one misses one
phase at the proper time, s/he might want to have it at an improper time
later.
so, I let her do her things, hoping that she will outgrow this phase.
But what if she doesn't? what if it continues to be stronger in her?
I wonder if I am encouraging her "glamorous" side of personality by taking
it easy. As a woman that wants her girl to have a strong personality,
and not grow into a Barby, I wonder where and how do I draw the line?
I appreciate it if you share your policies with me.
2 (a madar)
Hi,
I do not understand when you do not do these kind of stuff that she is doing,
how did she take after.
I talk to you about it later. but the most important thing is
these make up they have a chemical in them. which is bad for their
skin...
3 (a madar)
I cannot see how wearing make up will keep her from having a strong
personality. Do make up wearing people all have weak personalities?
I don't have a daughter so I might not understand your concern very
well. But I believe wearing make up and dressing up and coordinating
your outfits its a very personal thing and should not be something
we use for passing judgment on other people. I don't think an all
dressed up girl will read a book differently than a girl in jeans.
4 (a madar)
good morning,
I do not know why I am sensing a panic feeling in your email, I am so
happy for your daughter for acknowledging her beauty and uniqueness and admiring
it, something that most of us still have our challenges with!
>so, I let her do her things, hoping that she will outgrow this phase.
If you ask me, you did a right thing and continue to do that in other
aspects of her growing up, we can just hope for their happiness and well
being and put our complete efforts in that direction. It is hard for me
every time I have to remind myself that I do not own my children, we are just
tools and resources for them to become happy and content in life and
the choice is theirs.
>But what if she doesn't? what if it continues to be stronger in her?
Then you will know her personality and her archetype and will know what to
accept about her. Our older daughter is very sensitive and
emotional, the very aspect of my personality that I have my judgment on, but
no matter how I felt about it and how I tried to influence her differently,
she is holding on to this characteristic and teaching me to let her be and
enjoy her. I keep reminding myself that I have no right to project my
childhood on her, and respect the fact that our daughters are going to
experience their life their own way.
>I wonder if I am encouraging her "glamorous" side of personality by taking
>it easy. As a woman that wants her girl to have a strong personality,
>and not grow into a Barby, I wonder where and how do I draw the line?
It is wonderful that you are celebrating her glamorous side by letting her
be and feel glamorous. I understand that you as woman want to empower your
daughter with a strong personality, but strong in what? I think we can empower
them by strengthening their core of personality that in different stages of
growing up they demonstrate independent of what we like and dislike.
you are not alone and we all go through these anxieties,
thank you for your sincere sharing and giving us all opportunity to learn
with you.
5 (a madar)
Salaam,
I read your email and think that it is very natural for girls this age
to have fun with make up and making themselves glamorous. However, I do
think it is beneficial to put limits on this type of activity. For
example maybe if the makeup is just used in the house not outside of the
home can establish a limit. This is all depends to the parents and their
children. This is my opinion.
6 (a mother)
Salam,
Your daughter is a typical girl. I have two daughters 5 and 4 and the
oldest would do the same thing, so I understand your concerns. What I
did was first of all put my make-up away so she would not touch it. a)
One reason is that these make-ups have chemicals in them that are not
intended for childrens delicate skin. b)Children don't know how to
apply it and can easily get it into their eyes. c)Another thing is nail
polish, which many women are allergic to! In fact, many women
unknowingly have eye irratations and lose their eyelashes because when
they rub their eyes they are irratating their sensitive skin on their
eyes. My daughter also chews her nails when in times of stress and I do
not want her also chewing nail polish! d)Also, if we look at the
Europeans, they wear make-up much latter in life because they are
trying to prevent premature aging, we all should learn from them and
teach our daughters.
Getting that out of the way, I know what you mean by worring if your
daughter will go to the extreme and beome barbie like. My husband use
to say that our eldest daughter reminded him of his younest sister.
This worried me, because this sister is to the extreme and spends hours
appying make-up and looking for that perfect look. This idea effected
her when she grew up and all though has a degree put that a side to go
after her true love - her looks! She even refused to marry unless she
found a husband that supported her ideas! Sounds very funny, but it is
scary! I did not want my children to be like that, at all. I want to
teach my daughters to value more important things. So what I did was
start to explain to my daughters that when you get as big as me then you
can wear make-up; I told them that make-up is not for children as they
can burn their skin or eyes and their skin will get old fast like a
raisin. (They laughed but I keep on saying it and it worked) Also, most
important, I kept on saying that I and their baba did not like it when
they put on make-up. I try to redirect their attention from this to
other things such as the computer or outside playing. However, children
do need to express themselves and they do play dress up, just not with
make-up and not always. I, myself only wear make -up on speacial
occassions and only in front of my husband, because I want them to
realize that they are so special and pure that they do not need to
display their beauty for all to gawk at and take advantage of. I want
them to know that they can function perfectly with out all this external
beautification. I want them to find confidence and self-esteem in their
humanity ablitiy and personality, not in make-up and fine clothes.
(Unfortunatley, many women feel naked or incomplete without make-up,
this is wrong because women are so much more the that.)As far as the
clothes go, my daughters got to the point of only wanting to wear nice
dresses. I stopped that by telling them that beautiful clothes are
clean, ironed, well taken care of clothes. I told them constantly to be
thankful of anything they have and take good care of it. One day we saw
a homeless person and explained to them the situation of how they didn't
have beautiful clothes. I think that was when they understood, by
seeing, why they should be thankful for everything and not to be so
greedy. I also took them to help out locally to pack toiletries and
toys for the homeless children. I admit this problem was my fault,
beacuse when we visited Iran I didn't take the time to explain or
counter the materialistic ideas that they saw. I thought that they were
too young to understand, until I saw them mimicing the women. Children
maybe young but they see and readily copy and they hear and follow. If
we want to mold our children we can. But we must start at an eary age
and be consistent and remove as mush as possibe the negative influences
until they are strong enough and always talk to our chlidren and teach
them based on right and wrong. Always talk to your children and listen
to what they are computing in their minds!
Khoda-hafiez
Please send
your replies and/or opinions regarding this subject to
madar-pedar@surya.eecs.berkeley.edu.
Back to madar-pedar