UCB Parents Jokes & Quotes:
Toddler Miracle Diet!

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(found on the internet, author unattributed)
 
      Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
      most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet),
      or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke
      (the all-meat diet).
 
      Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
      days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.
      Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have
      a gland problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
 
      Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
 
      Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most
      two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black
      coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
      consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
      moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive,
      offering great variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on
      this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor... otherwise you
      might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
 
      DAY ONE
      -------
      Breakfast
           One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
           Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
                 floor.
           Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
                 clothes.
 
      Lunch
           Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
           glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
 
      Dinner
           A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel.
 
      Bedtime Snack
           Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
 
      DAY TWO
      -------
      Breakfast
            Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
            bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
 
      Lunch
            Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
            Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
 
      Afternoon Snack
            Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
            dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
            Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
 
      Dinner
            A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
            nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
 
      DAY THREE
      ---------
      Breakfast
            Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
            hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.
            After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off
            fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
 
      Lunch
            Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
            bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
 
      Dinner
            Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.
 
 
      FINAL DAY
      ---------
      Breakfast
            A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
            olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
            half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
            cereal to dog.
 
      Lunch
            Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
            sucker and finish eating it.
 
      Dinner
            A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
            plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.


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