UCB Parents Jokes & Quotes:
Opening available for Mom/Dad

POSITION: Mom/Dad

      JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for
      challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
      Candidates must possess excellent communication and
      organizational skills and be willing to work variable
      hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
      frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
      required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
      rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
      cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
      courier duties also required.

      RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in
      basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong
      skills in negotiating,conflict resolution and crisis
      management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must
      be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the
      box, because you most likely will need it for a school
      project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be
      proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly,
      unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the
      rest of your life.

      Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under
      loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously
      practicing above mentioned skills in conflict
      resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick
      to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such
      as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated
      at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go
      skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

      Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
      be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
      case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
      someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
      stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
      repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
      Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
      production of multiple homework projects. Must have
      ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
      of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
      indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
      handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
      million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

      Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit,
      because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a
      diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as
      "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in
      and shoot Sadam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for
      the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
      final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
      product.

      Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
      janitorial work throughout the facility.

      POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none.
      Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
      without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
      your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately
      surpass you.
      PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately.
      On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
      basis.

      WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent
      raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn
      18 because of the assumption that college will help them
      become financially independent. When you die, you give
      them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
      reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and
      wish you could only do more.

      BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
      no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
      options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities
      for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your
      cards right.