UCB Parents Jokes & Quotes:
Letter to the IRS

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This is purported to be a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst 
of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and 
credits. The letter speaks for itself.

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Dear Sirs:


I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. 


I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and
not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me
more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to
expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to
me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can  name.
Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a  truck.
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the  vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally  remind her of
the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future. May I suggest  that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on  the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would
you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids 
at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent
dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll
have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number 
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure that you will find telephones a 
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you  will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people  under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to 
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest. I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest. then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't 
feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased
the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to
make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob


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