UCB Parents Jokes & Quotes:
A Mother's Dictionary

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A Mother's Dictionary
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amnesia:
        A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
        have sex again.

bottle feeding:
        An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM, too.
defense:
        What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
        children play outside.

drooling:
        How teething babies wash their chins.

dumbwaiter:
        One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

family planning:
        The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep
        you on the edge of financial disaster.

feedback:
        The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
        strained carrots.

full name:
        What you call your child when you're mad at him.

grandparents:
        The people who think your children are wonderful even though
        they're sure you're not raising them right.

hearsay:
        What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

impregnable:
        A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

independent:
        How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
        say.

look out!:
        What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream
        it.

prenatal:
        When your life was still somewhat your own.

prepared childbirth:
        A contradiction in terms.

puddle:
        A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
        shoes into it.

show off:
        A child who is more talented than yours.

sterilize:
        What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
        your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

storeroom:
        The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
        children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

temper tantrums:
        What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk:
        Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two-minute warning:
        When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
        familiar grunting noises.

verbal: Able to whine in words

weaker sex:
        The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

whodunit:
        None of the kids that live in your house.

whoops:
        An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."



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Last modified March 8, 1998