UCB Parents Jokes & Quotes:
A Mother's Dictionary

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A Mother's Dictionary
        A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
        have sex again.

bottle feeding:
        An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM, too.
        What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
        children play outside.

        How teething babies wash their chins.

        One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

family planning:
        The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep
        you on the edge of financial disaster.

        The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
        strained carrots.

full name:
        What you call your child when you're mad at him.

        The people who think your children are wonderful even though
        they're sure you're not raising them right.

        What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

        A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

        How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we

look out!:
        What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream

        When your life was still somewhat your own.

prepared childbirth:
        A contradiction in terms.

        A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
        shoes into it.

show off:
        A child who is more talented than yours.

        What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
        your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

        The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
        children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

temper tantrums:
        What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk:
        Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two-minute warning:
        When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
        familiar grunting noises.

verbal: Able to whine in words

weaker sex:
        The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

        None of the kids that live in your house.

        An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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Last modified March 8, 1998