Toddlers & Discipline
20-month-old pushing others at childcare
My twenty-two months-old son has always a bad behavior when I drop him
off in the morning and when I pick up him in end of the day. He would
violently push a child, while staring at me. This puts me in a very
delicate position, even if the child's parents do not react. I have to
say that I am pregnant and the problem started when I explained to him
that I am having a baby. We try to tell him that even if he is going to
have a brother or sister, we love him and it isn`t good to push his friends.
Does anyone have the same problem? We really need help. Thanks!
This is no surprise. It's pretty common behavior.
I would suggest taking out the "Bad" and replacing it with something
else...like inappropriate, or misbehaving. Children will act out their
feelings in ways that are reflective of their style, and usually they
are trying to get what they want and can't ask for.
He is probably someone who has trouble with transitions and may need
some help adapting. There's a lot of adapting that is needed when a new child
is in the picture. His reaction is normal, and the hard part is how to deal
with it. I have a few suggestions. You may want to go on-line and do a
temperament assessment that will help you understand his individual style of
behavior. One child might push or hit under stress, while another might
withdrawl or have sleep problems. All children are different based on their
temperament traits (and other factors or course). The web site is
www.preventiveoz.org.
If you are a Kaiser member I can go over the profile with you
afterwards. Otherwise you can get advice sheets on the web site. (all free).
Although it's usefull to tell children we love them(as you have), they
do best with actions that let them know we really care and understand. Be
sure that you have some one-on-one down time with him. (Even during this busy
holiday season). Get some books about new babies that you can read
together, but don't focus on the new baby all that much in your day to day time
with him.(He doesn't need to hear you get excited about this new "love" of
yours, Just imagine your husband saying that he has a new love, but don't
worry there is plenty of love to go around to everyone! ANd this new "love"
will be moving in!) Get out pictures of him as a baby, and look through them
together. Children his age don't understand what all of this means.His
actions show that he is not clear about what all of this means for him
now.(When will this baby come?How long will he stay? will he take my
place? these and other questions can't be answered for a child this age).SO
what to do? I would help him feel that he has your attention when he needs it
and yet you have to stop him from hitting or mistreating other children. The
way I would do it when my kids were young is to hold my kids and say(In a
firm but in control voice) to them something like, "You may not hurt so and
so I love you and I won't let anyone hurt you."Hold him and say this until
he gets what you're saying..it may take many times. Look him in the eye
(even if the other parent isn't saying or doing anytnig) and repeat to him
that he may not hit..and you will stop him every time).If you ignore the
behavior he will continue untill he sees what you will do. ANd then see if
there is a way to help him communicate what he wants. Make the transition
unrushed, and try and get help from the teacher to come up wtih a good
ritual. He needs extra time for transitions, and also a sense that no
matter what, you are there for him.(Love with limits is the over all message).
Good luck, and don't worry...this won't last forever.
I hope you find the temperament assessment usefull. If you have
questions you can e-mail me at ronarenner@hotmail.com.
Happy holidays...and enjoy your little boy.
Two-year-old pushing children constantly
My son is just two years old and for the past few months has been
pushing other children. He began pushing his baby brother (9 months)
and then a friends daughter who is his age. Now he pushes children,
myself, my husband, everyone constantly. He now comes home from the
park with the babysitter and I ask what he did and he tells me he
"pushed kids"! I have tried everything from time outs, telling him NO,
slapping his hand, asking him why he does it, ignoring it.... I am at
the end of my rope! I do not know how to effectively stop this
behavior. People have told me this is "normal" behavior for a two
year old boy. I am desperate to hear any thought on this subject.
Maria
It sounds like your son has found a new game that is really exciting to
him. Of course you are disturbed by your child pushing others--he
doesn't realize he can hurt someone, or get hurt himself if he pushes a
child who retaliates. This is normal behavior for a 2-year-old, but that
doesn't mean you just wait it out. You need to concentrate on preventing
him from doing this. It might mean you have to hold his hand when he is
around other children, or hover nearby and physically intervene when you
see him about to push someone. If you aren't fast enough at stopping him
(and you won't be all the time), then remove him from the situation (put
him in his room or strap him in a stroller) with a brief explanation that
he can't push people; they don't like it, and he could hurt someone. Try
not to make a big scene (even if he does) because part of the payoff for
him may be the attention he gets. When he calms down, ask him if he's
ready to be nice and let him go.
It's important for you to keep your message simple and clear: Pushing
hurts and you won't let him do it. Tell him this before a "push"
situation occurrs, and remind him when you restrain him. Otherwise,
pretend that you aren't very interested in his pushing. Eventually, he
will get tired of the pushing game and find something else that is
exciting (hopefully, it will be something you can be genuinely excited
about yourself).
Louise
this page was last updated: Mar 31, 2004
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