Kids Masturbating
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Kids Masturbating
Jan 2007
I have twin boys that are 6. I am concerned because they touch
eachother in a co-masturbating situation. I have talked to them
about how its ok to touch themselves and how they should do it
alone, etc. Anybody been through this with their children or had
close sibling situations? I am worried about it progressing. I
don't care if they masturbate. I care about the doing it to each
other bit.
freaked out
I realise that there are special issues with twins that have to
do with them developing their own individual identities and
negotiating the extra closeness they have as twins. That said,
many, perhaps most, children do play sexual games that involve
touching eachother at this age. In general, I think it is
believed that sexual activity between children of the same age
that is non-coercive is fine. There certainly are lots of
societies and social situations where boys masterbate eachother.
I realise this is a bit trickier because they are brothers &
twins. I really do not know much about twins, but my guess is
that it is developmentally appropriate behavior. You would no
doubt hope that they would stop at some point, and I think that
in general there is a bit less sexual interest from age 8 - 12.
I do think that it is a fundamentally natural and age appropriate
activity. However, if it feels really wrong to you, I think
telling them that that kind of thing is done in private just with
oneself is fine. It could be helpful for you if one or both of
them told you a bit about what their thoughts were. That can
also be tricky, if you do not want to focus too much attention on
the activity.
Good luck, and one more thought; they will notice if you are
watching them like a hawk, and that will no doubt have its own
effect.
Joyce
I have a five-year-old and if he had a twin I can totally see
him doing the same thing with his twin. So I think this is par
for the course for this age. For some kids. My two older boys
were not in to it the way this one is. When this one was 2 or 3,
there was a lot of glad-the-diaper's-off penis clutching, but
that went away after a few months. Now at five, he has rediscovered
masturbating. He likes it very much! He can often be found in the
morning lying face down on the bed, pajamas at the ankles, you get
the picture. I think with your twins you could say the same thing
I say to my kid, which is, that it's private, and not something we
do around others, and not something we do when we are supposed to be
getting dressed and getting ready for school. I'm not sure I'd tell
your boys not to do it with each other, because that might make it
more appealing and thus more aggravating for you. I know that my
son has a lot more fun doing it because I have shown disapproval.
So I try to just treat it the same way I treat other annoying
behavior like not getting dressed, not picking up toys, etc. You
don't want to make them feel badly about it - they will be embarrassed
enough about it when they're older, looking back!
Jan 2007
I know that all young boys rub themselves and I have no problem with this.
However, our son who just turned 2 is so obsessed with rubbing his genetalia every
chance he gets (mostly during bath and somewhat during diaper changes) that he
rubs himself raw. In fact, more nights than not he exits the bath a bloody mess. We
try distraction until we are blue in the face. We explain that if he rubs so hard and
so much that it then bleeds, then hurts, then itches which in turn causes, we think,
more desire to rub. We are already using lots of diaper cream etc. Nothing seems
to deter him. To make matters more challenging we are thinking of potty training,
and he seems ready in many ways, however, with the current situation it is simply
unthinkable to leave him diaperless for extended periods of time. Advice please!!
anon. please
I had a similar problem with my daughter. She would rub herself
until she would get abrasions that would then sting when she
went to the bathroom. I took her to the doctor to make sure
there was nothing physically wrong and then we explained to her
that she had to be gentle with her body. When she didn't stop,
I forbade her from touching herself there until her ''owies''
healed. She would ask me every day to check to see if it
healed. Once it did, I told her she was free to explore but
that she had to be gentle with her body. It happened a few
more times - where I had to forbid her from touching herself
until her abrasions healed - but eventually she figured out how
to please herself without hurting herself. In all of that, the
most important part was keeping it clean so that it could heal
without infection. Oh the joys of parenting! :)
anon
Oh, my gosh!
Call your pediatrician! Perhaps your poor little guy has some skin condition
akin to the
incredible itching of poison oak, minus the blisters. (I don't know, I'm just
guessing,
but this isn't something solely for BPN brainstorming... call your pediatrician
so your
little guy can get some relief. )
Encouragement meant to be gentle, although urgent - Hope all goes well and
works
quickly.
I just know I'm miserable when I get poison oak & I practically beg for the
cortisone shot
I'm sorry your little boy is going thru this. It sounds painful.
I was wondering if his rubbing is actually scratching? Could he
have a yeast or other type of infection? Try putting
clotrimizole (sp?) on it. Maybe it'll be soothing and he'll rub
less.
Itchy kids
You might try rubbing petroleum jelly on this genitals - the
diaper cream creates a moisture barrier, but the jelly will
actually provide some moisture to his skin -- our DD has nbeen
itching her diaper area (front and back) and her ped suggested
the cuase might be dry skin, not other irritant. Certainly
conce he has open scratches/sores, he will keep rubbing as it
itches (whether or not it also ''feels good'').
dry and itchy, not pleasure
Perhaps your son has an incredibly itchy fungal infection of
the penis? Try some over-the-counter anti-fungal cream such as
clotrimazole (Lotrimin). The ''diaper rash creams'' you've been
using don't work on fungal infections.
Good luck.
Robin
My suggestion would be to have your doctor check for yeast.
Maybe he has a chronic yeast infection, which could be
extremely itchy. If that is the case, then he would want to
scratch as much as possible - even until it bleeds.
We had a similar situation with our daughter and we had applied
diaper cream for the redness, etc. Our holistic/homeopathic
doctor told us to immediately stop that, ''because diaper cream
is designed to create a protective barrier on the skin to
prevent ammonia burns from urine. Applying diaper cream on
yeast is like putting a cover over it which acts like a nice
warm blanket to help them grow... Monistat (or other type of
vaginal cream) is a better choice for this, since diaper
creams will worsen a yeast rash.''
But I am not a doctor and can't diagnose your son, so I would
highly recommend you get a correct diagnosis first.
Good luck!
JOJ
He's not masturbating - he's suffering from pruritis (itchies).
He needs a diet change and possibly a soap change (get whatever
is most mild and most natural - try a health food store).
The food... his pH balance is off. Get him off all sugars for a
short time til he balances out. Make him eat plain yogurt
(blend in fruit if you need to) and anything acidic, such as
lemon juice added to water (not lemonade which has sugar). Raw,
unfiltered apple cider vinegar in small quantities added to
water (teaspoon to 1 glass water) is also helpful to restoring
balance. At minimum, you need to do this at every meal and
yogurt before bedtime. You can also buy probiotic pills such as
acidophilus, that will help recolonize his gut with good things.
If he complains, tell him it is medicine and he has to gulp it
down fast. You can even make a game by racing him - make your
own cup of water + ACV and down it fast. It's good for you too.
It shouldn't be long before the itchies go away, so long as you keep sugar out of the
equation.
I would take him to the doctor. He could well have a fungal or
other itch-causing infection that is causing this. Sounds like
more than good-feeling rubbing to me.
anne
Hello all, I'm the original poster, and I supposed I didn't make a couple of things
clear which I should have. Thank you for the advice so far. My son rubs his penis
(and the area just next to it where the side of his hand rests and causes lots of
friction) purely for pleasure. He has no rash, yeast infection, etc - I've already taken
him to the doctor several times. (Doctor's advice is that he just does it because it
feels good and if it no longer feels good, he'll no longer do it...) However, because
of the intensity of his rubbing, a raw spot does occur which I'm guessing ends up
itching and thus creates even more desire to rub. He also pulls his penis creating
small splits in the skin along the shaft. Apparently, from his actions and
expressions and his own explanations (he's very verbal) it doesn't hurt nearly as
much as it feels good. He says he does it because he ''likes it'' not because it's itchy.
Only very rarely does he complain that it hurts and that is usually in the morning
after a long bath the night before. He never even attempts to get under his diaper
but nearly always ends up playing with himself when diaper-less. How can we ever
potty train??!
not sure how to proceed
I know this is superficial, but my younger son got in the habit of sticking his hand
down the back of his pants. I dressed him in overalls for a while and he lost the habit.
just a thought
Oct 2006
Hi, my three year old daughter (four in January) has gotten into
the habit of taking off her pants and underwear and rubbing
herself from side to side against our carpet! She says it feels
good. I don't want to make her feel bad about it but I would like
to know if this is a passing phase or if there is a way to have
her do it less often! We are having a lot of work done on our
house and there are a lot of people walking in and out and it
seems like every time I turn by back, she is wiggling on the
floor half naked! Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks!
I would make an agreement with your daughter that she masturbate in a
private space,
after reassuring her that it is fine for her to take pleasure in her body.
As well, I would
examine if she's undergoing any sort of stressors, more so than usual,
because
excessive masturbation can be a sign of stress in a child.
Good luck
Anon
Could she have a yeast infection? My daughter developed one at
age 4 and it was a terrible experience for her. I would check
with her pediatrician to find out if there was a physical
condition that made her do this.
JOJ
Follow your instinct to not make her feel bad. Try suggesting
that we don't touch ourselves in front of other people, but it's
okay to do in her room by herself (also sets her up to not play
doctor with other kids).
anon
I was successful with my two girls, at the ages of about three
and five, in simply explaining that there was nothing wrong - at
all - with what they were doing, but that our genitals are not
something everybody in our culture can be trusted to treat as
neutral parts of our bodies, so we do these things in private.
Additionally, just like we close the door when we do other
bodily functions, we don't do these things in front of others.
I felt that they got it - that they weren't shamed for a
reasonable desire and activity, that I understood that it did
indeed feel good, and that it's an activity we keep private out
of both politeness and self protection.
Jennifer
Our daughter loved to touch herself when she was three also.
Like you, we didn't want to make her feel any shame about doing
something so normal. We just started telling her it was fine,
but there were two rules: 1. You have to wash your hands
before you touch yourself and 2. You have to be in private. It
really worked. We told her daycare provider our strategy and
she reinforced it and within a couple of days, it worked there,
too.
Theresa
April 2006
Our son recently potty trained, but now that he's in underwear,
the ready access to his privates have become his obsession.
We've been very relaxed and tolerant, it's all good and
healthy, right? But, it's almost constant - whatever he's
doing, or playing, one hand is always busy. All. Day. Long.
It's started to become an issue around other people and he's
started to talk about it with them. He even mentioned something
to a friend about how it grows. We took him aside and talked to
him about how it was fine for him to do, but it was something
that was done privately and not around others. Was this the
right tact? What else can we do? Is this a phase? (I'm guessing
not...) Will the interest slow? We've essentially been ignoring
it up to this point, so I don't feel like he's doing it for our
attention. We'd love to hear from other parents if this
behavior - or rather the level and frequency - is normal or
not?
Trying not to be uptight
ooooh, I know that scene too well. I'm sorry to tell you that the only solution is
time. It took my son 1 year to finally give it a bit of a rest. He still grabs
himself occationally and when he's naked, it's like one hand is always attached. I
ask my friends, my mother-in-law, my mom, people I work with, etc. It is totally
common and there's pretty much nothing you can do to stop it without going to extremes
and giving him a complex. My husband got so frustrated because when he would take my
son out, well-meaning women would constantly tell him his son needed to go potty. He
learned to just smile and say to them, ''No, he's just playing with himself'' :-)
I feel your frustration, though. I was brought up in a very liberal and free family
and even I was feeling uptight about it!
melissa
Yes - I had this experience with all 3 of my boys. It will pass - just ignore
it. After years of not being able to get at it (except during diaper changes)
suddenly they are free to explore! The novelty will wear off, never fear.
Mom of Boys
January 2006
Does anyone out there have a toddler who seems to enjoy
masturbating vigorously? I feel a little goofy asking this
question, but my 2-yr-old just goes at it. And I don't really
have a problem with it, but sometimes it seems excessive: when
she's covered with a blanket, she'll lie on her tummy with her
hands in her crotch, and if we leave her alone, she'll strip her
clothes off and content herself for 20 minutes! There's no
sexual abuse here: I think she discovered it while napping on
her tummy, and she'll sometimes do this almost the same way
another toddler would put her thumb in her mouth-seems to calm
her and ground her. If you aren't looking carefully, you
wouldn't know what she's doing (it took us a while to figure out
what was going on). She'd probably be embarassed if we made a
big deal out of it: right now I just tell her that we don't put
our hands on our bottoms in public. I think sometimes I'm just a
little embarassed by her enthusiasm, and I'm afraid that one day
her rather conservative and staid grandparents will figure it
out. Do toddlers just grow out of this? or do they shortly
figure out to do this only in private?
I was maybe a toddler or just past when I discovered
masturbating, and thought it was the coolest thing ever! I
think my parents also figured out what I was doing, but didn't
know what to do. They would tell me to stop ''rubbing'', but no
discussion that I recall. Anyway, I told my babysitter about
the cool thing I could do, and she told my parents, and it
became a shameful thing for me.
I think you are on target talking to your child about private
parts and private places to do things. I know nothing could
have made me stop doing the coolest thing ever, but I think
feeling comfortable around my parents instead of ashamed and
angry would have made me less obsessive about masturbating as I
grew up, built a lot of respect (which would have paid large
dividends in later years), and saved them some money at the
child psychologists, with whom I would never discuss anything
with anyway.
Now 40, still remember
One of my very good friends has a daughter who started
masturbating very young and would do it everywhere. They
developed a 'code word' to remind her not to do it in public,
which it sounds like you don't necessarily need. She is now
almost 13 and is very appropriate and also very comfortable
with herself and her body, which is somewhat of a small miracle
for a girl her age. She has not been overly sexual in any
other ways, and is very smart and happy.
It sounds like you have already taken the right steps. It's
okay to limit it to private places and times without making our
children feel ashamed of their self-enjoyment. If you explain
clearly that there is a time and a place, she will be able to
maintain her dignity and her self appreciation wihtout
offending any more conservative family members or friends.
By the way--as a long time educator and one who has helped
raise many children, masturbation in boys and girls as young as
still in diapers is not at all abnormal. Mostly it's just a
little uncomfortable for us grown-ups!
nanci
My daughter started masturbating at around 2.5. Her peds said
it was normal and to give her specific boundaries. Our
boundaries were she could only do it in her room and by herself.
She could never do it in public. She is now 6 and hasn't done
it for quite some time. She went through phases so I'll be
curious to see other postings. I never really discussed what
she was doing with her and I don't know if she'll remember this
phase later on. I just gave her boundaries and didn't make a
big deal about it.
Anon
I have a 3 y.o. son that has been masterbating for almost 2
years. It is ''comforting'' for him, at least as explained by our
pediatrican. I do not put a negative spin on this, and we are
working on having him only do it in the privacy of his room.
Dr. says this is normal.
Courtney
Jan 2006
My 3 year-old asked me to leave her alone in her sister's room this morning so she
could, ''take a little nap''. I said ok and left - only partially closing the door. When I
peeked in a minute or two later, she had her panties off and was masturbating. I
was shocked. When I checked on her 5 or so minutes later, she was still at it. About
a minute later, I peeked in again and she was putting her panties back on and called
me to say she was ''finished with her nap''. Here's what I want to know: (1) Is this
normal for her age? (2) how do I talk to her about it (e.g., to make sure she only
touches herself with clean hands) without making her feel weird about it since she
asked for privacy? (3) do I need to talk to her now about this or sex or something
(we've never discussed anything remotely related to the subject eventhough she is
super bright and verbal) and (4) does her secrecy about this indicate anything I
should worry about? We are very open with her about everything although we also
have pretty high standards for ourselves and our kids about politeness, cleanliness,
responsibility, etc. Of course, I expected to deal with this at some point, just not at
3.
Surprised Mom
I smiled with recognition on this one. I have an eight-year-old
daughter that had a very interesting relationship with a stuffed
kangaroo at this age - she used to put it in her underpants and
rock back and forth. Other than having to suppress laughing, and
wash the kangaroo on a regular basis (!), her father and I did
nothing. We did convey that it was a private activity on the one
or two occasions she wanted to do this on the couch in the living
room. A couple times she 'sneaked' doing it in the living room,
and I just ignored it. She's now hit 8-9 year old modesty, and
would be mortified to think someone was aware of her doing this.
Judging from comments from friends, and my own experience, I'd
say this is perfectly normal, and should be respectfully ignored.
I don't think you need to discuss it much, just that touching
our own bodies is a private thing you can do when you're by
yourself.
And yes, we still have the kangaroo.
anonymous mom of a kangaroo lover
I have heard these kinds of stories before, and really, they
just make me chuckle. Good for them (the kids, that is!) Relax.
It's normal. Treat the whole situation with respect and
normalcy. My son (who is now almost 10) started masterbating at
2 also. I can't even recall exactly the first time I realized
what what going on, but by the time he was 3 we were able to
talk about it pretty intelligently together. I told him it was a
normal behavior, altho some families didn't like it and so that
this was something he could only do when he was by himself.
(This came up because once he and a friend were playing in his
room and asked if they could shut the door. I looked at my son
and somehow caught on right away and asked him what they planned
to play. When I didn't get a good answer I told him no, and then
we had the discussion later that day.)
So the deal was (and is): it's something you do alone; you are
entitled to your privacy (we usually keep doors open so this is
the one time they can be closed); and you must wash your hands
first (he got the whole hygiene lesson as well). That's it.
Shortly thereafter he started calling it his ''own along game.''
To this day, he will say, ''Mom, I'm going to play my own alone
game.'' My response is always the same (partly cuz he's
forgetful), ''Okay, just be sure your hands are clean.'' And he
goes in and shuts his door and comes out later none the worse
for wear. Yes, he's still doing it at 10, and I am sure some
people -- from the beginning -- are just more sexual than
others...luck of the draw, I guess. But it's a completely normal
behavior at any age. And isn't it a great thing that these kids
haven't gotten the ridiculous messages yet about being uptight
about their bodies?
All this seems perfectly normal to me. I encourage you to use
the proper words--e.g. ''vagina'' instead of ''bottom''--so that you
can speak more directly with your daughter(s). I remember how on
a summer vacation when my son was four, he always had one hand on
his penis the entire time! By age five, we began to talk about
touching in private even though he continued to do so while
watching TV. My feeling is that it's perhaps more shocking to
you because these are daughters, not sons, and that if you
continue to play it down, that would be the best. Making a big
deal out of it will only call more attention to it and is likely
to create stress for your daughters. As to grandparents making
comments, I'd just tell them to ignore it as well.
Please don't worry; they will learn about shame soon enough.
Another Mother
January 2006
My husband and I are a little concerned about my 4 1/2 year old
son who cannot seem keep his hand out of his pants. I'm sure
he is just playing with himself for comfort, but it's not
acceptable to do in public. We've told him that he should only
touch himself in private, but it's become a habit. He does it
without thinking. The other day a teacher at his daycare found
him ''playing with himself'' in the bathroom. Has anyone else
experienced this and what can we do to help him stop? Sometimes
he wants to stop and other times he's resistant. Help!
Jenny
As both a male as well as a father of a three y.o. boy, my
suggestion is that you allow your son to go through this stage
of his development without the added stress of negative inputs
about his behavior. It may be somewhat embarrassing for his
parents, but it is not embarrassing for your son. He will stop
doing it eventually and the more he is allowed to experiment at
this early stage of his sexual development, the more well
adjusted and sexually healthy he will be when he comes of age.
dore
Been there ... my 4 year old went through nearly a year of
obsessive penis fondling (including some embarrassing public
moments) and I'm not sure we're out of the woods entirely. We
just keep gently telling him that's private behavior, and it
seems to be (gradually) soaking in. At any rate, he doesn't
have his hand down his pants nearly as much as he did a few
months back. I think you've just got to be patient and wait it
out.
-- Embarrassed mom
Our dtr has/had a similar problem. Our pediatrician said it's
pretty nromal, and usually peer pressure will take care of it -
once his peers say something about it, he will supposedly stop.
mike
One has to be so careful what one says so that your son does not
internalize certain messages and it later effects his sex life and his self-
esteem.
Affirm him in his self exploration. At the same time, remind him to
masturbate and play with himself when he is alone such as in his room
or in the bathroom. Constantly remind him. If you are at home
encourage him to masturbate in his own room alone. Be consistant
about this. Be clear about the boundaries of masturbation.
Treat this like anything else. I'll bet you are constantly reminding him to
put his toys away, wash his hands and to remember to do whatever
else.
Eventually, he will stop ''playing with himself.'' He will learn at preschool
or through his friends that public masturbation is not a appropriate.
Rachel
Nov 2004
Our 3 year old daughter is constantly touching her behind from
the front and back. During the day she will have her hand in her
pants in the back quite a lot. She's potty trained during the
day, and wears pull-ups at night. We've tried to sort of gently
distract her from doing this, but the behavior does not change.
Does anybody have any suggestions to help us redirect her
attention away from that area? We've checked and she has no
rashes, worms, or problems down there.
Sounds like our three year-old daughter (also potty trained with
pull-ups at night)! I try to call her attention to the behavior
in a non-confrontational manner when it occurs. A teacher at her
preschool taught me the line, ''Hey! Where are your hands?'', which
has a much better success rate than a direct request to remove
her hand from her pants. I make sure that she is not actually
itchy or otherwise uncomfortable. I reiterate the consequences
of her behavior (her hands will get dirty, she'll need to wash
them, other people might not like to see her do that). If none
of the above works, I ignore the behavior (don't want it to
become a way to demand attention). She hasn't entirely stopped
rummaging in her pants, but the behavior has become less and less
frequent over time.
Anne
Oct 2003
My 7-year-old son has gotten into the habit of playing with his
penis in public--not unclothed, of course, but touching himself
over his pants. He seems at times to be totally unconscious of
what he's doing as he can engage in converstion, play a video
game, be with friends, etc., and also be touching himself at the
same time. I've had many, many talks with him about how
inappropriate this behavior is in public, how if he feels the
need to touch himself he should do it in private, etc. but the
behavior continues.....any suggestions on how to curb it? And
no, there's been no trauma or upheaval or abuse in his life!
Thanks!
concerned and uncomfortable mom
You are not alone! My daughter, now 7.5, has masturbated,
sometimes frequently and at length, at inappropriate times, also
over clothing, since she very young. It is comforting to her,
and immediately stops when I point it out to her. However, it
has caused concern at both preschool and now grade school, and
raised questions about how to ''cure'' the problem - her
integrating when and where it is appropriate into her everyday
routine. She tends to do it more when troubled by unrest at home
(prior to separation) and this year due to the subsequent
divorce, as well as when her hands have to be still - sitting in
circle has been a very popular time for her! A solution for us
has been to keep her hands less idle while her mind could still
pay attention. So those hand exercisers that rock climbers use
worked, as well as hacky sacks, that kind of thing. It lets her
move her hands and derive comfort in a more appropriate way
while in public. And there is no form of abuse in her past
either, just something she picked up on from a young age as a
comforting thing.
Kristen
My son is younger, but this is what I do. When I find himself
touching himself I usually ask him if he needs to go to the
bathroom. Usually he says no, but that reminder is enough to
make him conscious of where his hand is and he stops. I don't
know if this is the best route to taming his behavior, but it
seems to work without calling too much attention to the
situation by others.
trying to be subtle
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