Fear of Child being Harmed
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Fear of Child being Harmed
May 2009
I am writing to get some advice from the community. I have an 8
month old baby. My partner and I have been with him every day
since he was born, which means essentially no more time for
ourselves and our relationship is suffering. We would like to
have an occasional evening out to ourselves, but we are terrified
of the idea of leaving him with a stranger (there is no one in
our circle of family and friends who could babysit for us). I am
wracked with fear that anyone I leave my baby with might harm him
unintentionally or intentionally. I know it's not entirely
rational, but I can't shake the fear. I don't even trust my own
mother with him 100%. I am curious if anyone else is debilitated
with such fears, and if so, how are you managing to sustain your
sanity and your relationship? On top of everything, I am starting
to feel lonely and depressed at home with the baby all day. I
made the decision to take time off and stay home shortly after he
was born, but am starting to realize that I am very unhappy as a
stay at home mom. Any advice is very welcome.
-trapped at home
That's a hard way to live. I went through that with my
daughter who is now 11. I wish I had examined it fully when
she was born. It has had such a detramental effect on her.
She gets night terrors and is constantly afraid that something
will happen to her and that she's not OK moment to moment. My
fears, though mostly silent, communicated this to her. My
recommendation to you would be to get help for this fear
instead of seeing the fear as 'real'. Its something you're
doing in the face of immense vulnerability at suddenly having
your heart torn out of your body and put into this little
being. This vulnerbility is just part of being human. As
years go by, there's less and less control over this being.
The only way to communicate trust to her is for me to trust
that she's taken care of no matter what. I wish you a better
journey through these waters than what I've made.
Sounds like post-partum depression. Go see your doctor and an
acupuncturist!
anon
Ok. My heart so goes out to you. You NEED A BREAK! As a parent
to another parent...you have to trust other people. Your child
is beautiful and special...but, people trust their children to
others every day. Today, I watched three children for two
different friends all day...we did have a cut on the knee at one
point and I did feed them all some really disgusting Whole Foods
Organic Mac & Cheese (I hate the boxed stuff...but they LOVE
it...but only when the five are together as a
group...weird...but,it works), but they all finished the day well.
Also, I work part-time at a day-care. Guilt ridden mom's bring
their children to us all day long (some are full-time and some
are drop-in). We adore these children - whether it is the first
visit or the 100th. There is the occasional bump - usually among
the infants just starting to sit or stand...but that will happen
anywhere. Three-minutes later, they have moved on...
Take a deep breath, get a babysitter and hopefully that will help
you gain some perspective.
-anon
I don't think I'd go so far as saying I was imprisoned by fear,
but when I had to think about babysitters/nannies for my first
child 6 years ago, I was terrified about whom to trust. I
interviewed a few nannies and when we chose one, we paid for her
Trustline certification, I checked out her DMV record and made
sure she was tested for TB (just like health care workers). I
would do the same now. I also had her come over for just a few
hours each day for one month while I was at home (and of course
paid her for it). Then, I left her with my baby for about an
hour after a month of this, and then I left her again the next
day for an hour. Until finally, when I had to go back to work, I
was pretty comfortable with her taking care of him. Even though
I left him with her for small amounts of time in the beginning, I
knew that of course he'd choose me over her when I was home. So,
don't think that just because he/she wants you when the nanny is
around means he/she does not like the nanny. Sometimes it's
easier for a child and the nanny to bond when the parent is away.
We also had an arrangement where she'd drive him to my office
during lunch hour so I could breastfeed him; this way, I got to
see him and I also got to know her more. I also asked her to
fill out a chart (when did he nap, eat, etc. etc.) for each day
she watched him for probably the first month. Yes, it all sounds
anal, but I found someone who did not mind doing it all (no nanny
should mind any of this!) and I gradually felt better about
having someone care for my child.
do your homework but don't be paranoid
Please don't think of the sweet early baby months as a prison
sentence but a very special sweet time that will go by very
quickly. Enjoy it while you can.I too had no close family or
friends I trusted to babysit (both my parents are dead and some
of my fiance's family I would not trust at all) when I had my
girl and and I really could't afford to hire anyone so I stayed
with her 24-7 her first year and a half and pretty much loved
every minute of it! My fiance and I just did ''dates'' at home
after she went to sleep.Grab a bottle of wine and a some fruit
and cheese and have a picnic on the living room floor ( baby
monitor close by!). Or go out as a family to eat and then for a
walk and continue your date with your husband again aafter baby
is sleeping.
Perhaps too you might be suffering from a little postpartum
depression?I think it can last up to a year or more... some
medicine could help or excercise...
If you really need to get away, hire someone(interview them
thoroughly)from an agency maybe and then set up a NannyCam to
make sure everything is okay. ( you can find one online for 79
dollars). Maybe join a moms group so you can have some other moms
to hang/ do things with and maybe you can trade babysitting
nights eventually with a few you like and trust.
If you can wait until you baby is a little older like 1.5 and
sleeping more at night it might be easier to have a sitter then
because basically your child will just be sleeping. ( You can
still use the Nanny cam) The first time maybe just go out for a
half hour to get used to it etc and build up. If you still get
freaked out, just wait a while and try to enjoy these early months.
Sarah
Dear trapped at home,
Unfortunately, the way our culture is set up, depression from isolation is a common
occupational hazard of motherhood. It's great that you're writing for help. You
deserve to feel good and enjoy this time in your life. Also, babies need their
caregiver to be reasonably present to facilitate responsive two-way communication.
As you likely know, this is more challenging when you're feeling overly depressed,
anxious or unhappy.
All moms need a break. It a necessity vs. a luxury. This sounds like a good time to
connect with other parents in your neighborhood. There are lots of mom's groups,
many of them formed to help make connections and inoculate you against isolation
and feeling trapped. Also, have you considered posting for recommendations for a
babysitter, and then trying them out while you're home doing chores? Finally,
excessive fearfulness can be a symptom of depression and/or anxiety. If these small
measures do not work, perhaps it's time to seek some professional help to work
through any enduring difficult feelings of fearfulness and depression. Best wishes!
Joanne
April 2009
How do I deal with my fear that, everytime my 10 year old
complains of an ache or a pain, she has cancer? I’m not being
completely irrational, we live in a toxic world full of cancer-
causing poisons in our food and emissions in our air. I know
lots of people who’ve had the big C of all different kinds -
breast, ovarian, lymphoma, pancreatic, Ewing’s sarcoma (in a
teenage boy who recovered), the list goes on. I don’t run to
the doctor everytime my child says something hurts but I sure
think about it. I’m kind of freaking out about this and I could
use some down-to-earth advice on how to deal.
Scared Dad
I work in heavy industry and have been an environmental
professional for +18 years. I've seen a lot of changes in my
short career span. The media gets it wrong most of the time.
Air and water quality have greatly improved over the last 30 or
more years. I've seen a lot of air emission & water quality
requirements go into place. Just think about cars 25 years ago
vs. how they smell & look today. The same thing is going on in
industry, really. If environmental issues are of concern I would
try to educate yourself by getting data from EPA, BAAQMD, and
RWQCB.
Additionally, I have routine fears about being in a bad car
accident. I dwell on this too much. There's probably a
psychological component to your fears (& mine) that you might
want to explore as well.
- Good luck
Wow, Dad. This seems troubling to live with every day! I can
understand the fear, this is one heck of a toxic world! However,
if your son is not being unusually exposed (i.e. living next to a
chemical reactor field), there's not a lot of reason to think he
would have it more than anyone else, including yourself! Do you
have this fear whenever you have pain? If not, it's probably
because of your outstanding love for your son. That's not to be
ashamed of. But, one piece of advice that I got when my first was
born and every minute I feared SIDS. ''If she's going to die of
SIDS, she's going to die of SIDS. Better to appreciate the time
you have. '' Sounds harsh, right? I was like ''Geez!'' But then i
got it. We can't control these things. There's no cancer
preventative, outside of trying our best to be healthy. There's
no reason to think your son will get cancer, but if he did, you'd
deal with it then. He doesn't now (right?), so lavish in these
healthy days! Know that anything could happen at anytime, each
day is a gift. You do your best for him, and you will be there no
matter what happens. So, when it's late at night, and you're
thinking of what might be, try to think of what is, instead.
Remember that these things are out of our control, and if it were
to happen, you'd be there for him in this time that you can no
control. In the meantime, you can control all the fun and healthy
times you are having. Today your son does not have cancer.
anon
You fear what you don't know about. So study cancer for what it
is and isn't - this goes well beyond western medicine. Just to
throw it out there - cancer cells need 10 times the amount of
sugar to survive than a regular cell, and the digestion of any
animal protein uses up two types of enzymes that destroy cancer
cells on a daily basis (plant protein doesn't need the enzymes
for digestion). That is a lot of information right there that
won't sit well with neither the meat nor dairy industry. Learn
what turns into sugar in your body. Learn what happens to oils
at high temperatures. Did you know that canola oil is only one
molecule different from plastic? Learn about how important
green food is in reversing sick cells to healthy cells. For one
thing subscribe (it's free) to beyondhealth.com. A must see
(google) is the DVD ''Healing cancer from the inside out.'' Once
you truly feel informed, the fear goes away and you just make
decisions based on your knowledge. As far as your kid goes -
multivitamin in the morning - Omega 3, a kids greenz and
calcium/magnesium in the evening (all chewables - start past
age 4). As far as your worry about environmental toxicity goes,
cilantro and chlorella are great detoxifiers for binding heavy
metals, parsley and garlic are good general detoxifiers. Make
sure though you take extra minerals during detox, so you don't
deplete yourself (the good gets taken out with the bad) and to
take ''algin'' (google) so the heavy metals can't redistribute
back into the body once in the intestines. I'm detoxing from
the mercury in 13 flushots and 14 amalgam tooth fillings. Live
and learn...
Anonymous
I too went through a period a few years ago where lots of people
I knew were getting cancer and going through treatment. I don't
think I had the same reaction to it as you. I thought I was the
one who was next! After a while my fears subsided and I learned
to live with the reality that cancer can hit close to home and if
I get it I will deal with it. It made me think about enjoying the
NOW more. A reminder to get off my butt and do what is
meaningful, and to stay healthy. As far as having those fears
about your child, it's frightening to think about losing your
child. Try to remind yourself it can take years to build the
toxins up in your body and that mostly older people get cancer.
Do what you can to feed your child organic foods and stay
healthy. Keep reminding yourself that children get aches and
pains and hurt themselves normally. There might be a lesson here
if you look closer. If you feel that you can handle it yourself,
I would see a therapist who can maybe help you get to the root of
the issue and help you to feel calmer.
good luck
Please try and fully educate your self about cancer and you
will probably relax a little. Cancer is primarily an adult
affliction. However there are a few cancers that afflict
children and if you read about them what their symptoms are and
the recovery rates as well as the overal instance of a child
actually getting cancer (very low) you might feel better. You
also might want to read stories about and by children that have
survived cancer and this might help you realize the most
important thing about raising a child is your positive attitude
about life even in the face of death. Please relax you will do
more harm worring unnecessarily.. try this site for info on
cancer statistics in children and go from there.
http://seer.cancer.gov/statistics/
anon
These things are equally true- the world is a scary, horrible
place that wants to devour your child and the world is a
magical place, full of joy, that wants to embrace your child. I
think it is one of the hardest things about parenthood-
learning to cope with catastrophic thinking. So do the best you
can and develop some coping skills- meditate, go to therapy,
work it out at the gym, go to church- whatever helps you.
Basically, you have to find a way to talk yourself down when
you have these thoughts and different things work for different
people. You can't let fear rule your life and take away your
joy. Accept that you only have control over the things you have
control over and let the rest go. If your thoughts are
obsessive and really intruding on your ability to enjoy your
life- please do find a therapist to talk about it with. There
are many good referrals here in the archive or your primary
care doc can refer.
But rest assured- we've all been there or somewhere close to
there.
Good luck!
If your child really hurts, you may as well run to the doctor.
Then you will know what it is and that it is not cancer. As far
as I know, most cancers don't reveal themselves by
just ''hurting.''
anon
Sometimes we have free-floating anxiety that's looking for a place to roost, so
dealing
with the source of anxiety's probably the best way to go. Anxiety is an activation of
the nervous system, and so it's best to find ways to calm your system. Exercise and
good self-care can help. You might try re-framing this thought. This particular
thought distortion's called ''catastrophising'' which means thinking of the worst
possible outcome without any real evidence. A re-frame of this thought might look
like: ''This is just a thought, an form of energy, which doesn't make it true. I do
not
have a crystal ball. The probability is exceedingly low, and worrying about it will
only
make me and my child more nervous. If there is a problem, I know I can act on it in a
timely manner. Or you might try ''downloading'' your worries by writing for 10
minutes
non-stop, and then throwing the paper away without reading it. Or you might check
in with a loved one for a supportive ''reality check'' to calm you down (setting this
up in
advance). If none of this helps, you may find it supportive to see a therapist to deal
with the root of the anxiety. Best wishes!
joanne
In all seriousness, the best thing you can do for your child is
to get some therapy for yourself to understand why your anxieties
are so huge. You are undoubtedly passing some of that on to the
kids. When I was a kid one of my friends had a mother who would
literally look for pieces of her in the garbage can (assuming,
what else? that somebody had come by and chopped her into little
pieces, because she was 5 or 10 minutes late). We all know people
who have died suddenly or not so suddenly, young or old. Sadly,
in this country we are doing such a fabulous job of preventing
death and illness that we are under the illusion that it never
happens. We all worry to various degrees. But you'd do better off
simply enjoying your child now. Life is never long enough for
anybody.
Ummm, you are being irrational. Although we all have fleeting
thoughts of disaster, it's your job not to convey that to your
kids (and also not to convey that you think the world is full
of killer toxins). Childhood cancer is very rare, and
overreacting to every ailment will probably make your child
anxious and perhaps neurotic. You can worry all you want, but
outwardlly, overreacting isn't helpful.
every parent is a worrier
Dear friend,
I say this directly and with care.
As the mother of a child who actually has a terminal diagnosis:
get over it.
Fear is when there is an immediate threat to you or your loved
ones' well being. Anxiety is when there is no direct threat but
you see threats all around. Anxiety keeps you from seeing the
happiness in front of you, including the potential of healthy
times with your kids.
What I have learned about threats, death and terminal illness:
Life is about living! Get to it and live gratefully, no matter
your cards dealt.
Love, a friend
Living To Be Happy
It can be so hard as a parent to know we can't protect our
children from everything in this world. We can only do the
best we can, as so much is out of our control. One piece of
advice I can give is to try to only focus on what you can
control. It can help to limit cancer-causing toxins in your
home to the extent that you can-green/homemade cleaning
products, organic food where you can, more natural personal
care products, limiting plastics, etc. The Environmental
Working Group has great information at www.ewg.org, including a
shopper's guide to pesticides. They also have a personal care
database to see the toxin levels in all types of toiletries to
help you chose safer brands.
April 2008
I know this is partly a ridiculous question, because everyone reading
it probably feels the same to some degree, but I also bet some of you
have some good tips for me. I am trying to get a handle on what feels
at times like a petrifying fear that something will happen to my son,
who's 5; at other times it's like a preemptory depression, with me
anticipating that if (when) something does happen to him, I won't have
anything to live for and will probably consider suicide. I know this
is unhealthy thinking and have been doing a lot of work (in therapy
and out) to not worry so much, and especially not to show it to my
son. The last thing I want is to be operating from a fear-based
perspective, or to have my worry rub off on him. I have gotten much,
much better. But I still think about how much of my life is about him:
I have a good job, but not a life-defining one, not one in which
others rely on me; I am not partnered; and though my family would miss
me, they don't really need me.
I feel like the only thing anchoring me to this world is my son. I am
cognizant that a lot of the answers may lie in my burgeoning
spirituality--prayer and meditation and trusting in ''God''--but this
is all new to me, it doesn't feel real yet. (Though reading Pema
Chodron does help.) What should I do when my mind goes there
(imagining the worst)? What can I do to make the rest of my life more
meaningful, so that he's not my everything? I do have good friends
that I love, but they don't have answers, nor the power to keep me
going if anything should happen. And for the record, I had a
devastating death in the family a few months back, so a lot of this is
stemming from that (knowing that anything can happen, knowing how
tenuous life is) and from a new and overwhelming feeling of
responsibility to my family (that they couldn't possibly handle
another loss, so I have to find a way to keep going for them). And all
of this is totally hypothetical--my son is healthy, and there's no
reason for me to think that anything terrible is going to happen to
him (except that he has been spending more time away from me, with his
father, lately). Hope to hear from others who feel the same way, and
others who have conquered their fear of losing their children.
Trying to Live in the Moment
I remember reading about this same issue on BPN several months
ago and many professional therapists/psychologists posted
responses that basically said that what you describe is fairly
common and is a sign or symptom of anxiety and/or depression.
I am not a professional in this area but I would just like to
tell you to not be so hard on yourself and seek whatever help
or support you need because you do not need to suffer with
this. I have experienced the same feelings you describe and
I'm sure that every parent has too to varying degrees. I have
had periods of mild anxiety in my life and that is when those
thoughts creep in. Through being really conscious of what is
happening in my life I have discovered that the thoughts
usually stem from something totally unrelated to my child but
somehow the anxiety gets transfered or takes the form of
thoughts or fears about my child, or about my ability to
provide for my child (I also don't have a partner - which is a
lot of pressure whether you realize it or not.) Our feelings
for our children are so sensitive and vulnerable that it is an
easy target for general anxiety to attack.
What I have done is that every time I catch myself thinking
a ''doomsday'' type thought like you describe, I stop myself and
don't allow my mind to go there. I re-direct my thinking and
if I continue to go back to the thoughts I might spend a minute
thinking about why the thought is there and consider what else
is happening in my life that is causing this. In other words I
do my own cognitive therapy but it works and it helps. Those
negative thoughts are useless and have no value and you can
train yourself to get rid of them. There is a huge difference
between being mindful of keeping your child safe and obsessing
over things that will never happen.
I hope that you are able to find some relief and realize that
you are not alone. Best wishes.
anon
FEAR NO MORE...EMPOWER YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD. okay that was hokey -
fear never leaves a parent. i've been a parent for 24 years - done
with the 24 year old and started anew with the 3 year old. i lay
awake fearing the worse and i mean the worse - i create scenarios in
my head, i read way too much into life tragedies - like the whole
madelaine mccan thing - jeeze louise - i'm petrified. but in reality
- the worst happens to a very very rare number of people and in very
very odd circumstances i.e. you leave your child unattended, there is
drugs and alcohol involved, there is some level of neglect involved.
i represent kids and parents in neglect cases (cases that go to CPS)
and you'd be amazed by the amount of neglect that kids face and
NOTHING really bad happens to them - at least nothing in the sense
that you are concerned about - rather the bad things that occur is
systematic and long-term neglect and its affect on children's
psychological well-being. from reading your post, i take it that you
are probably over-protective, never leave your child alone - look way
ahead into the future and super plan for any type of problems you may
face. you are already on the right page. the next step is to get
your child on the same page. i am a KIDPOWER instructor - we teach
self defense and safety skills for kids : www.kidpower.org. we don't
teach fear, we teach confidence and strength. that is what YOU and
YOUR child need to survive through life's challenges. fear is natural
but living in fear is a drag. the best way to climb out of it is to
empower yourself and your child. you may never be without fear - in
fact, there may be some other issues causing you to have such fear
(abandonment, loss, grief, etc. issues - that have nothing to do with
your child), however, making your child suffer for your fears is not
fair. i almost did this to my eldest daughter - making her afraid of
what i was afraid of. but the picture of the world in my head is not
in her head and its not fair to teach your child to be terrified - a
reasonable amount of fear is healthy and ok - but being petrified is
not fair. try kidpwower - it changed my life and my child's.
www.kidpower.org
I feel this way, too. To a degree, I think it is normal, but no
one wants to live in fear all the time. I recently found a book
called ''Protecting the Gift'' by Gavin Becker, who also wrote a NY
Times best seller called ''The Gift of Fear.'' I've only read a
couple of chapters so far, but he offers amazing practical tools
for keeping children safe (and us parents sane). I've already
started utilizing some of the suggestions in the book, and
feeling more physically in control and intuitively in tune has
helped me to feel more secure and relaxed about my child's
safety. I can't recommend this book highly enough.
I love my kid more than anything, too.
Hello. I sympathize. and I still suffer from horrendous
nightmares about losing my children from time to time. The way I
get past it is by telling my children how much I love them, and
by kissing them every chance they let me, by singing to them to
wake them up every morning, by caressing their foreheads before
they fall asleep, by telling them that they're grounded when they
become lazy with their school work because I love them and want
the best for them. I also apologize when I know I've been
unfair. I basically try to live with the thought, ''if something
happened to me or one of my kids in the next hour, they would
truly know that I loved them dearly and only wanted for them to
make the right decisions based on their own individual
personalities.'' Because I have that fear, I think I am a pretty
good mom. If you can keep it under control, you can use it. I
guess I see it like my fear of losing my kids keeps me in line. I
doubt I'll ever hurt them deeply with words of anger. They
haven't hit the teen years yet, so I hope it keeps me in line for
a lot longer. Good luck.
Trying to treasure every moment.
You are not alone! I think all of us imagine the worst
sometimes. I remember being a kid worrying that my parents would
die, being a young married and worrying that my husband would
die, and now being a mother and worrying that my child would die.
I also worry that I might die before my child! It's sort of
part of being human--we know love and we also know loss. And to
really love someone is to acknowledge on some level that you are
made terribly vulnerable by that love.
What do I do? I practice meditation (I find that the metta
meditation, or meditation of loving kindness to be especially
helpful with this kind of worry), I exercise to reduce anxiety in
general, and I try my best to take care of my whole family.
You might also look at past points in your life for times when
you have had losses and how you worked through them. Finding
your own resilience might help more than you think.
And go ahead and talk with a therapist--it might be helpful. You
may not end your fears and worries, but you might find more
strategies to stop them before they start, or to deal with them
more effectively.
remember to be kind to yourself
Well, you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety
disorder so I worry about everything, but my top worry is that
something will happen to my son, too. It's just awful, but I am
working on it. He's also healthy and happy but anxiety is NOT
rational. I would suggest a few things: check out some books
on anxiety. They have lots of different ideas on how to get
worry and anxiety under control, and it's work because you have
to retrain your brain to not think anxious thoughts. Two I
recommend are: ''The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook''
http://tinyurl.com/6h2c74 and ''Worry''
http://tinyurl.com/5ray23 Meditation is also good for anxiety.
You can join a group or take a class somewhere. Keep busy when
you aren't with your son. Do work, socialize, take a class,
whatever keeps you occupied and not worrying. Avoid TV news and
newspapers if they stress you out too much. (Life is getting
safer and safer but you wouldn't know it from the media!!)
Lastly, if it's more than you can handle, see a psychologist and
get counseling and perhaps medication if that seems right for
you. You can deal with this!
Good luck!
Dear Trying,
I struggle -- not as severely as you -- with the same
awfulizing fears. I lie in bed at night imagining all sorts of
horrible things that could happen to my children and then
imagine the feeling of not knowing what to do with myself
because of the enormity of the pain. I have always imagined
that which I fear, I figured as a coping mechanism, kind of
like practice so I could feel that I would be strong enough if
I needed to be, but it doesn't work with this one. My strategy
is two-fold: 1. A conscious, meditative effort to think about
other, more realistic futures (if you need to imagine hardship,
imagine comforting him after his first heartbreak or flunking
his driving test) and 2. Analyzing the source of the impulse
to think about these fears in the first place. It sounds like
you're already doing that, I'm glad you have professional
support. Good luck!
Naomi
Something I didn't see the other posters mention was that mild anxiety
is a very
common side effect of hormonal birth control. When I was taking the
pill (even a
mini pill during nursing) I had a lot of anxiety that I chalked up to
being a nervous
first-time parent. I used to walk with my baby in a stroller around lake
merritt and I
was terrified that somehow I would trip and the baby would fall into the
lake and
drown! A girlfriend tipped me off about the anxiety/BC connection and I
just
stopped taking the pills in mid cycle and in 48 hours the anxiety was
gone. I was
mad that my gyn. never told me! Alternately, another girlfriend who had
anxiety
issues found out by working with her doctor that she needed progesterine
cream
and that really helped her. See your doctor. That being said, I think
it's very
common to feel that your life couldn't possibly go on without your
beloved child and
I don't think it's a bad thing to love your kid that much. Don't be to
hard on
yourself, you sound like a great mom.
anon
You raise 2 important issues. The first is your fear. If your anxiety is
interfering with
your ability to relax and enjoy life, then by all means go to a
professional for
assistance. I have a friend whose life was transformed by anti-anxiety
medication. If
it is just an annoyance or an occasional feeling, then my strategy may
help. First I
will say that I mainly get anxious when my husband travels. And at these
times I
can also be very superstitious. (I am otherwise highly rational &
practical.) Once
when my husband was flying home from a trip, my then 2 yr old said
something like
''I just saw Daddy. He came to say good night.'' I immediately thought
that his plane
had gone down and his spirit had come to say good bye. And if his plane
had
crashed I would have sworn that his spirit had come to her. Of course,
he came
home safely, so from then I realized that even the most ominous omen is
likely to
be meaningless. So what I decided to do, since my anxiety was not
subject to
rationality (I couldn't argue my way out of it) was to make my
superstition work *for*
me. Now whenever I start to worry, I picture the energy of love of my
children and
me coming out of our bodies like ropes or force fields and joining
together and
going out to him to protect him. And I absolutely convince myself that
nothing
terrible can happen to him while our love energy is protecting him.
Crazy huh? But it
does get me over my anxiety. Maybe something similar can work for you
when you
worry about your child is to picture your love actually coming out of
your body and
creating a protective force field for him.
The second issue that springs from your post is your feeling that the
only really
meaningful reason for you to exist is for your son, and the main reason
for you to
''keep going'' if something were to happen to him is the people who
really need you,
or who wouldn't be able to handle another loss. This is a terribly
instrumental way
to think about your own life. I don't know the solution for you, but I
definitely think
you need to re-connect with your own enjoyment of life, apart from your
son, and
the benefits of your life to *you*. I don't know whether you are
suffering from
depression and would benefit from professional help (therapy,
medication), or if
you can somehow get yourself to a place where you are enjoying life and
invested in
it for your own sake. But somehow you should address that issue as well.
Wishing you all the best!
Oct 2007
OK, this sounds crazy. But I keep having premonitions about my
son – like something bad is going to happen to him. For
example, if I come home tired and my husband suggests going and
picking up dinner and he takes our son, I get a feeling
like ‘what if they are in a terrible accident because I was too
tired to cook dinner?’ Or sometimes I’m afraid something will be
wrong with my son when I check on him at night. I’m not asking
for a medical diagnosis, but wonder if this is common and what
could I do? It has been going on for a while, over 2 years, and
I’ve explained it away with hormones, strong bond, extra worry,
stress, guilt. This happens almost every day, some flash of
dread, sometimes far in the future, that he will be
significantly injured or hurt. I tell myself it is just my over
active imagination, every parent worries, and I immediate
replace the thought with positive ones, but these flashes are
starting to disturb me and I don’t want to believe that they are
real, none have been so far, and so I don’t know what my
intuition is trying to tell me. Is this normal? It sounds so
crazy I am hesitant to discuss it with my medical doctor.
Anon
I wonder if there is anyone on this list who HASN'T had
those ''premonitions.'' They may be more difficult to handle for
some people or more vivid, but I'll bet just about all of us
have them. Worse yet (and I hesitate to even write this
anonymously, but here goes) are fantasies of harming your child
that flash into your brain. This happened to me when I was so
sleep-deprived that I was hallucinating, and I never even came
close to acting on them (I was horrified and guilt-stricken)
but our brains act sometimes before we exercise conscious
control. As long as these flashes are not keeping you from
having a normal life, allowing your child normal activities,
etc., I would continue just pressing myself to think
positively. And you'll grow more confident in your child's
ability to move through the world as he gets older
(hopefully). But if you start wanting to make him wear a bike
helmet to go down the slide, you might want to talk to a
therapist or doctor. Or if it keeps you awake or keeps you
from enjoying normal activities.
totally anonymous
I have that same problem and have for many years. It is worse
now that I have a 5 month old to worry about. Before her it was
my dogs, friends, family or self that I would imagine about.
The only person that I ever shared these imaginings with was my
husband and then only after several years of marriage. I also
suffer from depression. I decided to talk to my dr. about the
depression and through the discussion the other problem came
up. She said it was a form of anxiety. I began taking Lexapro
at that time and not only did it stop my depression, but those
awful scenarios became less and less. I have been off the meds
since last summer when we started trying to get pregnant and I
have more and more elaborate fantasies all the time about harm
to my daughter. I am awaiting the time when I am no longer
breastfeeding to go back on the Lexapro. I know it will mean
that I will be able to relax more. I would definitly talk to
your dr. about the problem. It made a big difference for me and
even though it meant that I had to take something each day, it
was totally worth it to give me peace of mind. Good luck.
worried too
I have seriously scary premonitions that play out in my head
all the time regarding my one year old, and it's been that way
since before his birth...from the every day occurance (like
tripping and falling with him in my arms and he gets a serious
brain trauma injury), to completely random (like a fire that
gets started while cooking that consumes him). I agree that
this kind of thinking is not rational and needs to be
addressed. Possibly seeing a therapist can help find the root
cause of all this worry. Right now I am seeing a homeopathist
that is treating me for various health issues, but during our
appointments, this unreasonable worry has come up, and she
hopes that the constitutional remedy we are working with will
help it, too. If I don't see some improvement over the next 6
months or so, I think it will be time to find a therapist
because this kind of worry is so troubling that I think it
could start to affect other parts of my life. I am definitely
interested to see what others have to say about this.
Worrier, too.
I know you are not looking for a diagnosis but I was having
similar thoughts and others that were causing me GREAT anxiety
and distress. It was starting to interupt my life so severly
that upon recommendation I went to a doctor at The Cognitive
Center for Behavior Therapy. I saw Dr. Tompkins and within 3
months my life was changed. I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive
compulsive disorder), which was such a relief because it meant I
wasn't going crazy, and it is VERY treatable. I can't say enough
good things about Dr. Tompkins, he is such a kind and
compassionate man and an expert in the field of anxiety
disorders. He isn't cheap, but worth every penny!! Good luck!
Dr. Michael Tompkins 510-652-4455
Anon
I have often had these thougths too....NOTHING has ever happened to my children.
I believe that we are hard wired to protect our kids and that having little
'premonitions' of terrible things that could happen is mother natures way of keeping
us cautious and watchful over our children. As goulish as it may seem to imagine
that your babycarriage rollis into traffic and gets schmooshed, you do pull back
from the curb and look both ways one more time before you cross.
I had these thoughts a lot more when my children were still small and capable of
getting hurt at every turn...now I just worry about someone else hurting them....I'm
sure I will worry until my last breath, it's the job mother nature gave me!
barb
I have premonitions like this all the time, and what I've figured
out mine are about, anyway, is anxiety. I know you said you
don't want a diagnosis, but I think it's really common for
anxiety to manifest that way. It's a horrible feeling, and of
course it makes perfect sense that you should be worried about
your child's safety, and then your brain tricks you into thinking
it's more than just worrying, but instead a true vision of the
future. And then you worry more. What I do when I feel like I'm
having premonitions of future horrors is I try to deal with my
feelings of anxiety. Then those premonitions usually go away.
Good luck. I know it's a horrible feeling.
--been there
I have them too, it's normal. I allow them to come, but quickly dismiss them and
think about all the great things I love about my child. Try to think about the positive
for at least double the time that you've worried about the bad. You may think that's
weird, But you don't to spent too much time on the negative or you might make it
happen.
anon
I could have written your post. Those are not premonitions. It really sounds like
anxiety. Please discuss it with your doctor or a therapist, it is really a miserable way
to live. Many of us moms suffer from anxiety, it is very common, but I find that not
a lot of people talk about it unless I bring up the fact that I have it first. And then
I
am floored by how many other moms have it.
Mine got so bad that I developed OCD and was chanting and ritualizing to deal with
the visions in my head of my children being hurt that occured on a daily basis.
Then, later I developed panic disorder and had to be medicated because my anxiety
made me feel like I was having a stroke mulitple times a day. I'm in therapy, too, to
deal with the underlying causes of these thoughts. And my 4.5 year old son is also
in therapy, because he has picked up on the panic and the ritualizing and now he
has anxiety because ''something is wrong with mom''.
It's been a 7-year battle in my case, but I finally feel like I can enjoy life, let my
kids
go on field trips without worrying that they will die. The good news is that there is a
wide variety of help you can get, from individual therapy to group therapy and
support groups, cognative behavioral therapy, pyschotherapy and if you need it,
medication.
Please don't let it go unchecked. Feel free to contact me if you like. You are not
alone.
pg
Try EFT. It is a form of energy therapy based on acupressure
that can completely free you from anxieties, phobias, past
psychological trauma, etc., and does not require months and
years of talk therapy. In many cases, results are
instantaneous. I've been using it myself for the past 9 months
or so, and have had unbelievable results. The information on
the website is entirely free. www.emofree.com
anon
I think what feels like a preminition can really be an
expression of anxiety--especially in the situation you described
of feeling this way when your husband takes your child in the
car, etc. I know you are not looking for a diagnosis, but
perhaps when these feelings come over you, you can take a moment
to let the anxiety wave go through you and then proceed. In
fact, you may want to talk to your doctor about it if you feel
like these feelings are really inhibiting you in some way.
Also, I think all of us parents have rational and irrational
worries about our children and probably will even as our
children reach adulthood!
anon
Hello,
I am a local therapist and to me, it sounds like you have an
anxiety issue. Cognitive behavioral therapy would really help
you-- it is about restructuring your schemas and learning to
challenge your own irrational beliefs. There are meds too but I
would go the cog. beh. therapy route first.
Take care of yourself.
anon
These painful worries are so natural when you love someone so
completely like you love your child. And oh how you want to
protect them...and what if you didn't act on your ''premonition''
and something terrible happened? But since you asked, here is
some advice. These are not premonitions. They just aren't. This
is not how the world works. These are pangs of guilt. Think about
how guilt feels, and then think about how these ''premonitions''
feel. You feel guilty you didn't put dinner on, and feel even
guiltier if your spouse would go get the dinner with your child
giving you a break. This pang of guilt just gets mixed up in your
brain with deep fears and voila -- a vivid image of something
terrible happening to your child pops into your mind. It's just
emotional associations. Try to take a step back and evaluate
whether this fear is reasonable or unreasonable. Protect your
child by all means when there is a clear danger (jumping off the
table, running with scissors), but let these other fears go if
you can. Let your spouse take your child to go get dinner, you
will see nothing terrible happens, and can be reassured that
these fears are not premonitions, just a normal part of being a
human. A final word, you deserve to take care of YOU too! Let
other people help you. Trust that everything is going to be just
fine. We moms have so many responsibilities and deserve to rely
on others sometimes.
Scared sometimes too
I have so been in your shoes! Especially when my kids were
small, I suffered terribly with worries about impending
catastrophe! I also had this awful reinforcing anxiety that if
I didnt actively worry, then something really would happen!
The truth of the matter is that when we are so bonded to
another person, we become completly vunerable, and the loss of
the person would murder a part of ourselves. I think this is
even more of an issue if you have experienced personal loss, or
abandonment. Maybe you have?
What I have done to cope with this is the very minute that
anxiety producing thought comes into my mind I banish it,
refuse to elaborate on it mentally and instead I envision a
golden bubble around the person I am worried about, protecting
them from all harm. I focus on that visualization until my
anxiety goes away.
Try it, it really works!
visualize safety
Just wanted to say you are not alone! I do the exact same things you mentioned.
Sometimes when I have decided to stay home while my husband and child go on an
errand, I have to run out to the car and go with them b/c I am overcome with the
thoughts of ''what if something happens''. I have always felt this way even before I
had my child. I attribute it to the fact that my husband and I have always been very
close - ie we worked at the same company, offices next door to each other, drove to
and from work together everyday, all meals together, etc. So, being apart from each
other was very out of the norm and always made me afraid something bad was
going to happen. Now, of course, I am doing the same thing with my child. Many
nights I just HAVE to go check on him even though I know it will wake him up b/c I
am so overcome with worry. Even more than the worry, it is the thought of what if I
don't check on him and then something really does happen, then it will be all my
fault that I didn't check on him when I felt I should have. And it just goes on and
on... So, I don't know if this is ''normal'' or not, but you are not alone!
obsessive worrier
I do it too...I have 3 kids, and find myself thinking ''oh no, what if...?'' every once
in
a while. I do it with my husband too; if he stays an hour late at work, I wonder if a
cop will ring the doorbell and tell me there's been a terrible accident... I don't
think
this is abnormal, as long as these thoughts don't overtake your entire day every day.
I have lots of happy thoughts too, and fun times with my family. But sure, I worry,
and I think about how I can't keep my family safe all the time. As time goes on, as
the kids started preschool, then school, swim classes, etc., I realized they CAN be
safe even though I'm not watching them all the time. But life must go on. We try to
be as careful as we can, within reason, and try not to worry about ''what if?'' Focus
on the positive, and see your son graduating from high school, holding his first
child, sitting with you on the porch in your rocking chair... If you can't get these
negative feelings out of your head, or they're just too bothersome, TELL your doctor!
He or she might have some solutions for you that you didn't know about.
Berkeley mom of 3
Hi, I'm not sure what kind of advice you'd be open to, but
based on the language you're using (''premonitions''), I'm going
to go out on a limb and refer you to the Berkeley Psychic
Institute. It seems that you're holding onto a lot negative
energy, real or imagined, and the folks at that intitute may be
able to allay your fears and help you get control over it. I'm
sure you'll get a lot of advice saying get (traditional)
counseling, but I sense that you're looking for a somewhat
different advice.
Kim
I, too, have suffered with this ''premonition'' thing for years.
Now that my son is grown and moved out, I have them less, but
even now if he tells me about his doing something I feel is even
remotely risky, I have that overwhelming feeling of dread again.
Mental health people as well as my G.P. tell me it's likely
related to my panic disorder (result of post traumatic stress
disorder), and losses I have suffered earlier in life. Is it
possible you may have some deep-seated issues in your own life
that contribute to these unusual feelings? Perhaps deaths of
people you have loved in the past or even abandonment issues? I
know you don't want diagnoses, but sometimes if you try to find
the root of your fears, it helps to be more rational when those
premonitions come on. It has been so bad with me, however, that I
have been prescribed Xanax to alleviate the anxiety. Trying to
stay rational and keep the positive thoughts flowing -- and
taking deep breaths when the premonitions come on -- also do help
a great deal. Don't know what else there is to do about it, really.
-- Also Anxious
I know you don't want a medical diagnosis but since I have one
for my problem and it is similar to what you are describing I
will let you know.
I have Obessive Compulsive Disorder. To give a very simple
explanation you have a thought, you give that thought a lot of
importance (obsession), you feel anxious and you do something
to relieve the anxiety (compulsion). What struck me is that
you feel this is a problem, that you are giving these thoughts
a lot of importance by calling them premonitions and that you
immediately replace the thoughts with positive ones. That
sounds a lot like me. The more you think about the thoughts,
question their importance the more you reinforce them and the
pattern. But you can't just not think them or force them to go
away. That doesn't work, I've tried that. What works is
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a process to retrain your
brain to react in a different way to your thoughts. It really
works.
I'm not a doctor and I don't want to pathologize what could be
perfectly normal behavior in the context of your life. All I
know is that what you wrote was familiar to me and I have OCD.
If you look in the archives under OCD there are names of local
therapists who specialize in anxiety disorders (OCD is one).
Don't bother with regular therapists. I have seem many and did
not get the proper diagnosis or treatment until I saw a CBT.
Good luck.
Mom with OCD
I too sometimes have such thoughts, and they used to be more
frequent and more powerful before I spent a chunk of time talking
with a good therapist. I highly recommend this route for you.
With the proper help, you can be a lot happier and less anxious
than you are now. I don't think these are ''premonitions'' or
''intuition,'' I think they are spells of terrible anxiety, and a
good therapist can help you get to the root of what is causing
them. I too have the tendency to picture the worst thing that
could happen, and I've come to realize what a sad misuse of my
life energy this is. I wish you all the best!
A Fellow Worrier
This sounds like something you should be discussing with a
counselor especially since it's been going on for over two years.
Worry, especially when it is unwarranted and overwhelming, is
often a sign that something inside of us is unresolved. I would
make an appointment to see a therapist right away.
Anon
I also get those same feelings you are talking about. I think
they are quite normal. Yes, sometimes I have to get out of my
comfortable bed late at night to check on the kids because of
those feelings or call them when they are with their Dad to
make sure all is well. I even have horrific visions sometimes
besides just the feelings. However, I do not dwell on it. I
just tell myself to stop worrying because my children are fine
and will myself to think about something else. I think this is
just part of being a parent and loving your family with
everything you have inside. As long as you don't dwell on it
and realize the feelings for what they are and why you are
having them, it's absolutely okay and normal. I am sure there
will be many posts from other parents who get these thoughts as
well.
Nicole
I have and had these same thoughts etc. however I learned that
this is a sympton or a kind of anxiety issue. I had some anxiety
attacks a few years ago and have some instances when I can be
more prone to them...(medication never advised for me but a
class was) at Kaiser they had a class of six or so weeks that
teaches folks about anxiety/panic disorders etc. and this was
one of the things that does happen to people this is also
related to OCD etc. people can have certain extremes of this. I
had a very mild tendancy towrd panic attacks and they usually
occur when I am particulary stressed, hungry and/or situational
(at first it was riding BART was freaking me out) and a variety
of other facotrs can contrubute to it. I would just google some
info. on it and read about it...I highly doubt that
your ''premonitions'' are really that...it's more of an anxiety
and it is common...If by chance you do have kaiser I highly
recommend their clas sthat is done in Oakland it was very
informative and very very helpfula nd I could understand why I
felt this way and learned techniques that I could use to fight
them. Good luck
p.s. you are not crazy
know how you feel
I have had times in the past where I felt strongly that
something bad was going to happen to my son. I think that part
of me feels a bit guilty when I do something frivolous for
myself, and this can trigger this response. Sometimes I have
to try to differentiate a true premonition vs. codependent
behaviour, look at what is healthy mothering and nurturing, and
what is fear based control. Fear is such a powerful thing. I
try my best not to let it consume me and allow my son to live
his life fully, have his own experiences and know that he has
his own higher power watching over him. I also have recently
reminded myself that I needed to continue to do the things that
I love to recharge my own soul and spirit so that I can be a
better mother.
Anyhow, I wanted to share this with you as sometimes I have
huge fears about something happening to my son. I am not sure
if other mothers experience this type of thing, but I do on
occasion and do my best not to let them consume me and shelter
my son based on what ''might'' happen.
Oakland Mom
This does not mean you are crazy, so don't worry there. My husband had similar
worries the whole time our girls were growing up. He had, sadly, experienced the
sudden, unexpected loss of someone young and close to him. This turned upside
down his ability to assume that the world was a predictable place that wouldn't rip
away the ones he loved. This tragedy happened several years before our daughters
were born. It was another 20 years before he made the connection. Now it would be
called a post-traumatic reaction. Of course, I don't know why you are so frightened-
did you experience something, hear something, or were you raised by someone who
worried? It sounds as if you handle it, and if you aren't passing on your fears, they
harm no one but you. But you deserve to worry less if you can. Worries don't prevent
harm, and few children come to harm. Our ''worried over'' daughters fell on their
heads a time or two, broke an occasional bone, and still grew up to be healthy,
happy campers.
Relaxed Grandma
I think cognitive behavioral therapy might help you.
Anon
At some level, I think what you are going through is normal. I have certainly felt that
way. In no way do I think you have some sort of actual premonition. But if it is as
disruptive and truly disabling as it seems, you may want to see a psychiastrist about
some kind of anxiety disorder.
Jeny
You are having what are called ''invasive thoughts'', and they are
not unusual for moms, especially new moms. Here are some specific
strategies that will help you deal with them: First of all, stop
calling them ''premonitions''. That word alone is flavoring the way
you are coping with them. It suggests that you are envisioning
real things that have not yet come to pass. Call them ''invasive
thoughts'', because that's what they are - They are invading your
peace. Second, you need to create a series of thoughts in your
mind that override the invasive thoughts. For example, the second
you have a vision of something violent happening to your son,
right away start thinking about that dream house you would design
if you won the lottery. Practice the good visions (whatever they
are) during a time you are not having invasive thinking. It will
be easier to slip into the good thoughts when the bad ones hit
you. Just try not to think about those bad thoughts. Also, try
not to ''discuss'' those thoughts to the point where the thought
exists outside of you head. That only makes them seem more real.
I hope you are not too worried that there is something very wrong
with your head and that you need ''help'', as some might suggest.
You are totally normal.
anon
Dear catastrophic thinking mom, I look forward to what others
write about this subject, because I have catastrophic like
thinking too and I am not even a mom yet, soon, but not yet. I do
not have advice, but I feel your fear and anxiety. For me, I
realized it was the fear, of ''thinking'' something bad was going
to happen, then it went into ''anxiety,'' that it could happen,
then it would spiral back into fear, so my husband calls me the
''catastrophic thinker''. The best thing for me is to recognize and
say out loud, ''oh, there you go again, thinking the worst.''
Usually I am able to snap out of it, but the important thing for
me, is that I call myself on it, and name it as ''fear'' or
''anxiety'' recognizing that what I am thinking is unnecessary and
unwarranted. Good luck!
thinking what if...
I am SO glad you posted this! The exact same thing has been
happening to me for the past three years (when my first child
was born) and got worse a year and a half ago when my second
child was born. Even when my husband leaves the house for a
short errand, I think ''What if he gets into an accident and
this is the last time I see him?''
I think part of is that, as parents, we DO need to be more
vigilant. We need to watch our children and make sure they
don't get into accidents, so we develop a habit of thinking a
few moments into the future at all times(''what will happen if I
let her climb on that chair?'' or even ''what will happen if I
tell her that she can't have ice cream for dessert?''). On top
of that, everything we read as parents is about danger to our
children: product recalls (and stories about how many kids were
harmed or killed by the products), diseases, accidents, etc. It
seems like every time I read a story pertaining to children, it
is about how a child is being harmed in some way (otherwise it
wouldn't be news, would it?). So I think it's perfectly NORMAL
that we end up developing these fears!
Basically, I think the problem is that I am living too much in
the future. Yes, it is only a few moments in the future, but it
means that I am not being present with my family right now - I
am in some future scenario that may or may not ever happen, but
that is definitely not helpful in any way. So my solution is to
be fully present, to live mindfully, i.e. feeling the ground
under my feet, hearing the background noises that I usually
tune out, and being vividly present with my kids as they are
right now. Go to this websites for simple lessons on how to do
this: http://www.mindfulnessclasses.com/
The other thing is, there is a part of me that thinks ''If I
don't imagine this disastrous possible future scenario, then
how will I ever prevent it?'' That may be the core issue here:
as responsible parents we feel we must prevent all possible bad
things from happening to our children. But we can't foresee
every disaster. And by distracting ourselves with these
scenarios, we are taking away from the pleasure of being
present with our children right now. I spent most of my
twenties worried about my parents dying (they are 40 years
older than me). Well, they are still alive, and I still
remember that horrible feeling of fear and dread that pervaded
my life back then. So I am determined to beat this current
feeling of fear and dread and stay focused on the present!
C.L.
I thought I was crazy too until I started talking to other parents- most of my friends
with kids said they had to train themselves to willingly ''not go there''. Still, I do
the
exact same thing- in fact I am always pleasantly suprised that when my husband
takes my son somewhere, they actually come back safe. At night, the house is
bolted up tight because I am sure someone will take my son and have imagined all
the horrendous scenarios. I think about these bad things many times a day but less
so now that I out of the house and working more. I went to a therapist who told me
to try biofeedback. perhaps you could try that. For now, I try to stop my imagination
from running wild all the time. If you tried that and found it doesn't work for you
than I would consult someone- just for the peace of mind.
-A mom who ''goes there'' a lot, too!
Hi, I don't have any advice really, but I do share the same sort
of worries and visions of something terrible happening to my
kids. I have been reluctant to share this with anyone and like
you have figured it's hormones/stress/lack of sleep. I also think
it has a lot to do with the media and all the negativity and fear
raising we are exposed to constantly, without hearing much of the
good that occurs daily. I don't know if you are spiritual in any
way, but for myself whenever I find myself getting worked
up..which is often, especially in regards to someone kidnapping
or trying to molest my kids, I really try to let it go and pray
for our protection and move on. But honestly sometimes it's hard
to do that and the worries will consume me..feel free to
email..if we can somehow support each other I'd be willing to.
I think this is normal, to a degree. It's likely some left over
evolutionary hard-wiring from when we really did need to act like
mama bears in order for our young ones to survive. I do this too,
and so does my husband, actually. It doesn't interfere with our
lives at all, it just makes us more cautious parents. We check on
our baby a lot when she's sleeping (we co-sleep, but she naps and
goes to bed earlier than we do). If these thoughts are worrying
you or if you feel like they're taking over your life and
negatively affecting your parenting, you might want to talk to
someone about it. I think sometimes we work things out in our
thought patterns, especially things we fear. Constant worries are
another issue, though. You want to make sure you aren't verging
on OCD, which is much more common than people realize.
meg
I totally have the same thing -- it's no premonition, it's
anxiety disorder.
That ''flash of dread,'' as you put it, like a mini-panic attack --
I know it well, and it's terrible. It feels so *real* and it's
hard to believe that it doesn't mean a thing. But it isn't real,
it isn't your intuition, and it doesn't signify any harm that
might befall your loved one. It's just your brain and body
misfiring -- just because your brain and body tell you something,
doesn't mean it's true!
I know you didn't want a medical diagnosis, but the good news is
that anxiety and phobia is the *easiest* mental illness to treat.
I saw Mark Balabanis at the San Francisco - Bay Area Center for
Cognitive Therapy (http://www.sfbacct.com/; also see the
archives). I was feeling a lot better after two sessions, and
much, much better after four. You can quickly learn practical
strategies to deal with it.
anon
I'm glad you got so many responses to your question and I hope you will find
them
to be helpful. I also had very similar feelings and thoughts for about a year
after my
child was born, and I agree with the other posters that it was related to
anxiety.
However, my anxiety was a side effect of hormonal birth control I was using.
Apparently this is a common side effect and I was very upset that my doctor
never
made the connection despite my complaints about anxiety. I discovered the
connection myself through my own research, immediately stopped taking the pill
and the thoughts went away in a few days. It was quite miraculous. I hope
you find
a soution that works for you too.
anon
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