Kids and their Privates
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Oct 2007
My 4.5 year old son and 2.5 year old daughter were playing very
nicely and quietly one afternoon while I was cleaning the
house. When I checked on them after a while, I saw that the
door to the room was shut and when I tried to open it, my son
said, ''don't come in until I say it's okay.'' Thinking it was a
game, I went along with it and opened it after he okayed it (10
seconds later) and saw that my daughter's shorts were pulled up
haphazardly. I asked if her pants were off and she said that
they were- she and he both denied that there was any touching
of private parts- my son said that they were playing ''doctor''
but wouldn't say exactly what he meant. He did say that he
learned about it from playing it with other kids at preschool.
Other than giving them very clear messages about it NOT being
okay to ask the other to remove clothing or to touch one
another's private parts, for them to know it is not okay for
ANYONE aside from themselves to touch there and for me to
inquire the teachers about what is going on at school- would
you do anything else regarding this sexual exploration type of
play? Has anyone else encountered anything like this in this
age range?
Concerned Mom
While ''exploration'' and body curiosity is normal for young kids, I am more
concerned about the secretive nature of the event and his request that you not come
in. It sounds like you handled it well. I would speak to the teachers very directly
and soon. If it happens again (hopefully it won't), calmly make it very clear that his
sister's body is absolutely NOT for his ''games''. And I would add some books to
your children's library...''The Right Touch'' and ''My Body is Private'' and ''It's MY
body''. There are others out there, but these are some that my kids responded to
well. I would institute a ''no closed doors'' policy when they are playing together,
and I would a maintain a close, close watch on them.
Sad mom w/ a sad story
May 2007
My 7-mo old daughter has a habit of grabbing her labia during
diaper changes. We've had several diaper rashes in the past, but
this doesn't seem to be the cause as I don't see a rash
currently. This habit is very frustrating for me because she
sometimes gets poop on her hand! I've tried giving her toys
(rotating every few days so she doesn't get bored), holding her
hands, and saying NO firmly...all to no avail. Does anyone have
experience with this? I'm going to call our pediatrician to get
her advice and to rule out any medical problem. Any additional
advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!
I think you are seeing what may be the beginning of years of genital
touching. My kids
are 3 and 5 and when they are naked they spend a fair amount of time
playing with
themselves (my son can keep himself busy with his penis for an eternity!).
It is totally
normal and I don't think you should discourage it (I only discourage it
when we are out
in public and remind my kids that they should only touch their private
parts when we
are at home).
anon
Your daughter is doing something completely natural - the labia
is a part of her body she doesn't get to explore due to being
diapered, and she wants to check it out. Let her! Wipe quickly
when she poops and if she gets poop on her hands, wash it off.
Saying ''No'' firmly to a 7 month old is a mistake. Babies DO NOT
need discipline - they need redirection. You are only instilling
a bad feeling around a part of her body. You should be giving her
diaper free time anyhow - and that will take care of both her
curiosity and her diaper rash. It's her labia, let her play with it!
labias are lovely!
My daughter (now 10 mos.) does this at every diaper change,
too. (My son did as well.) I don't think she does it
necessarily because it's her genitalia - I think it's just
because it's there, and it's novel to have it in the open air.
(She also grabs her stomach whenever I take her shirt off.)
It's certainly gross when she has a lot of poop in the diaper,
as you said, but other than that you can think of it as normal
and not ''bad'' behavior. Your daughter is too young to respond
to ''no'' commands. My tactic when I know the diaper is poopy is
just to make sure I have an interesting toy handy, ideally a
big one that will occupy both hands, so I can get the area
cleaned up before she starts grabbing. A no-fail favorite is a
string of shiny Mardi Gras beads! But if there's no poop, and
she's not grabbing so hard that she hurts herself, I don't
think there's any problem with letting her do it.
Don't worry!
Dec 2004
Our daughter has recently begun to put her fingers in her
private parts every time we are changing her diaper. She also
puts her fingers in her mouth afterwards. We at first thought
this was just curiousity but have recently begun to think there
might be a bad influence causing this. She has started
playschool a couple of months ago and we are wondering if it is
the childcare provider that is playing some sort of games with
her. It is our first child so we do not have anything to
compare it to. Have any other parents had any similar
experiences? She also keeps touching her mother’s breast and
then looking for some kind of a reaction from her mother. Does
anyone think this is strange or is it normal?
berkeley parent
It is totally normal for babies to play with their privates -
they are exploring their bodies and learning that their privates
exist. Boys and girls both begin playing/exploring while in
diapers. You may want to give her a toy or some other thing to
distract her during diaper changes. Babies also seem to be very
interested in mommy's breasts, so I wouldn't worry about that
either.
Hope that helps.
Sounds perfectly normal.
anon
Have you given any thoughts to the fact that she might do it
because it is pleasurable? All my kids have done it in enfancy, I
never stopped them and it did not make me feel uncomfortable. I
believe the discovery of their genitals is a totally normal phase
for infants. None of my children, now approching their teens,
have contracted compulsive masturbation habits.
unworried mom
I think this is really normal behavior. I don't know if you said
how old your daughter is, but I'll assume she's 6 months or
older, give or take.
Babies are learning all the time and exploring new things, new
feelings....wow...they have a body and if they touch something
there's a sensation, and WOW...this part feels really good!!!
As far as hands in mouth...babies put their hands in their mouth
a lot. I doubt that she considers where her hand has been before
going into the mouth (it could have been in a sand box or
petting the dog or cat).
When she gets old enough to understand, you can teach her that
touching her privates is something she can do when she's by
herself but not in public (my opinion).
mom of normal kids who did the same thing
I belief that both touching her own genitals and touching her mother's breasts is
very normal. Also touching their father's private parts can happen if they get the
opportunity. They touch everything they are interested in at this age, just looking
at something is too abstract. And they are still a bit young to get the concept that
touching these parts is not accepted. Preventing them from doing it at all can
actually make it more attractive.
I've seen it frequently in many children, including even 3 year olds,
on the playground. Some seem to do it more, others less. My own daughter (now
2.5) is very keen on playing with my breasts and nipples, but I don't like it at all
(she's not gentle to start with) and I have to very frequently put her hand away or
ask her to do it. She's very persistent it that, a bit annoying for me, it's become a
struggle. Herself she doesn't touch so often. When she does, and I don't comment
on that.
That all said, if you have the feeling there's something wrong with her daycare,
try to find out more. As a firrst step, can you talk to other parents in the daycare?
As to the hygenical concerns, that's a good point. Not that much a kid spreading
his own germs and bacteria from one body part to another, but one kid transmitting
them to another kid. It has been studied in daycare centers (video tapes). They
observed, kids simply put their hands in their diapers, and they touch toys
themselves and other kids afterwoods. What can we do about that? I don't know...
Regular hand washing, especially routinely before meals certainly helps a lot.
And giving the children healthy food, exercise, sun and fresh air to support the
immune system.
Julia
I wouldn't be alarmed ... both my kids went through the hands-
down-the-pants stage around age 2 or 3. They were also both
very interested in my breasts. I didn't make a big deal out of
it; just asked them gently to stop if the behavior seemed
excessive. From what my friends tell me, most kids do this.
Sara
They all do that, and just wait till toilet training starts. As
soon as that diaper comes off, the hands are down there ALL the time.
Mom of 3
First off: As well as being a mom and the sibling to 5 others,
I worked in family day care for 7 years as an assistant and
i'll tell you, there are kids who just like to touch themselves.
There is nothing more aggravating then being blamed for a
child's curiousity about themselves. Also, there are other
kids out there who like to engage children in curious
games. (Which is most likely). Very rarely are providers (who
are usually women) charged with such accusations and FYI,
when you report something like that, it goes on a VERY
permanent record with social services. Thus, making it very
difficult for that provider to rec've future clients.
My daughter is 3, and still squeezes my boob to get
reactions. She watches me dress, she bathes with me... of
course she's going to be curious. She already knows that I
have a vagina and so does she. Therefore, we are one in
the same. Making her more interested in herself because,
essentially, although we have the same parts, mine look
different. It's all very abstract right now.
Please explore other avenues before pointing the finger at
someone. That's dangerous territory... also, if you have a
history of reporting people, no one will ever wnat you in thier
school, further making it difficult for you to place you child
anywhere in the future.
Why not speak to other parents at the same school first.
Maybe bring your child to her doctor for an exam.
Also, you might want a therapist referral to find out if there's
something in her actions that says something about your
initial concerns.
But, like I said, some kids just like to touch themselves. We
are ALL sexual beings and for some it starts earlier with
pure unadulterated and flamboyant curiousity and for others
it takes years and years of shyness and quiet exploration.
Please tread carefully.... as this is a very touchy subject.
I have two daughters - three and five years old and had a
similar situation with my youngest. She always wanted to put
her hand down her diaper or run around naked which was fine with
us, but as she's gotten older we've taught her that
her ''privates'' are only for her to touch in privacy. My husband
and I used to make jokes about how advanced she was because she
clearly gets pleasure from touching herself before, during and
after bath, (and during diaper changes when she was younger.)
I'm pretty sure it's something she figured out by herself
because my older daughter has seen her behaviour and hasn't
picked it up. The older helps us remind the younger one to go
to the bathroom for privacy if she needs to do that. They also
are both required to go into the bathroom to pick their noses or
to say ''potty'' words. It's a kind of game. I figure that if
she is so tuned into her body, she needs to learn how to explore
in a way that's acceptable. As for the fingers in the mouth,
she did/does that as well and so far there have been no
problems. When she had a poopy diaper I would catch her hands,
clean them, finish cleaning up and tell her it's not ok to touch
poop. -D
Completely normal. Genitals are inherently interesting (shoot,
as adults we're pretty fixated on them...kids are no
different....) She's just doing what all kids do. Remember when
she was really excited about her hands? Same thing, different
body part. She does it during diaper changes because that's
probably the only time she sees her crotch.
The thing to watch out for is poopy fingers going in the mouth.
Now, that's nasty.
Sara
I noticed after reading the wonderful advice givcen by all the
parents out there about not worrying about your child
touching herslef...I noticed that no one had mentioned
anything about how the initial reaction was to blame the
provider at her daughter's school.
I think that's a very serious accusation...even in it's thinking
stage. And in regards to the future involvement with other
schools, providers and other people that will come in and
out of your daughter's life, that is path you might need to
explore concerning yourself and your own issues about
trust.
That statment had me most concerned. And I was hoping
that more moms out there had something to say about it.
Clearly Confused
January 2007
My 5-yr-old son is commenting on the differences between his genitals and our
daughters, who is 2 1/2. My dilemma is that I noticed him sneak behind the recliner
and call her over after she'd just gotten out of the bath (still naked) and was he
clearly wanting to investigate. I created a distraction and I'm watching them like a
hawk until I figure out how to proceed here. I know it's natural for him to be
interested in how the female body is different and what it's all about, and I'm seeing
the signs that I need to educate him in some way given his interest.
I know exploration at a certain age is normal, but being a first-time parent I need
some guidance on a few things. How can I make absolutely certain to avoid any risk
of my daughter becoming his research subject? I don't want to have to continue
watching them like a hawk, and I don't want to forbid him from acting on his
curiousities because that's likely to make him more interested, more sneaky, or
make him feel bad about himself.
Does anyone have any advice about how to think about this and/or how to handle
it? What books might I be able to read or show him? One friend told her kids that
exploring was perfectly fine and normal as long as a)the person was the same age
and equally interested and comfortable participating, b)the person was not a sibling,
c)it was done in private, and d)there was no pentration of any kind. So far that's the
only suggestion I've gotten and the thought of actually endorsing his pursuits
competely freaks me out but I really want to set my insecurities aside and do the
right things as a parent. I'm really hoping to get some perspective and some
direction! Anything will help! Thank you!
Erika
To be honest, I can't believe your 5 and 2 year old don't bathe
together. I think you may be making this more complicated than
you need to, and possibly by being overly modest or secretive
about your daughter's body, you have piqued his curiosity. I
don't think anything is wrong with his interest, but I do think
he will persist if he has questions that go on unanswered.
If I were you, I would put them both in the bathtub and be very
low-key about it. If you see him looking at a part of her body,
you could say, ''Amy's body is different than yours, isn't it? You
have a penis and she has a vulva.'' (You could teach him about the
vagina part too if you want to go into more detail, but that is
not what he is looking at--unfortunately, that's what everyone
seems to be teaching their kids, but it is anatomically incorrect
and they are being misinformed.)
Your kids are so young, this is the perfect time for them to
learn about the human body without having to involve the sexual
element yet. Later, your son will need to be more private and the
opportunity to learn about the female body in such an easy way
won't be there. I think you should definitely be around to answer
questions (don't just let him inspect or poke around another
child's body unsupervised). Your daughter will learn from this as
well!
Elizabeth
Get your son a book about anatomy and tell him to leave his
sister's private parts alone. Maybe give him a clear
explanation of what private means. But you are the mom, you are
in charge, and it's OK to lay down the rules without a hand-
wringing explantion. Your kids will feel better with absolute
rules in place.
Where they get confused is all this negotiation. Young kids
don't think the way we do. They don't understand gray areas.
They prefer black and white.
If there's one area where strict, unwavering rules are
absolutely neccesary, it's regarding touching.
anon
January 2005
Please, help!
My daughter cries when her private parts are being washed with
soap. She says it hurts a lot. I myself am sensitive to some
soap, and I think I know the kind of pain she is talking about,
but I now use only baby wash for her, and it doesn't seam to
help. Is it normal? Is there any milder soap that would be better
than baby soap? Should I have her see a doctor? Any input would
be very much appreciated.
concerned mom
How about skipping the soap all together? The inner folds of
female genitalia are better off without soap. Water does just fine.
I'm nurse-midwife and often need to tell women to stop using soap.
it's a self cleaning oven!
I suggest showing her how to wash herself and using more water
than soap. A hand held shower should help.
Please mom!
No soap is necessary in the genital area, and definitely no
scrubbing. It's a self cleaning body part... Give your daughter
a bubble free bath (bubble bath can be very irritating down
there). The water alone should get her vagina as clean as it
needs to be.
Happy bathing!
Mother of 3
I have been sensitive all my life to soaps on the vulva, and on
checking it out, I've found that I am not alone, and that water
alone is perfectly adequate for washing the female genitals. My
OB/GYNs have always made a general recommendation not to use soap
there. I'd suggest washing very gently with water only from now
on. Also, if her vulva is irritated by washcloths (or has lasting
irritation from soaps used in the recent past), a shower nozzle
on a flexible hose can be used with lukewarm water and a gentle
water flow to wash without a washcloth. Who knows, maybe she'd
find it fun! (I learned this trick following childbirth. If you
don't have that kind of shower nozzle, a bottle such as a bike
water bottle can be used to create a similar gentle flow by just
filling it with plain bath water or lukewarm water from the sink,
and using it on the toilet or in the tub.)
Either way, being gentle is key. I'll say from experience that a
chronically irritated vulva can become a multi-year chronic itch,
from the irritation alone (no disease involved). Not an
experience I recommend.
Sticking to Water
hello,
my 3 year old little girl is the same way, but when we saw the
pediatrician her advice was simple: just wash with water, and it
will be fine.
I would still consult with her doctor to make sure she doesn't
have a yeast infection, or you could look if she has a rash and
just treat with desitin.
Good luck!
anon
You might try Cetaphil liquid soap. It's extremely mild.
anon
Soap stings me down there too. Through trial and error I've
found that olive oil based soaps do not sting. I like the brand
Kiss my Face, and also the EO line of liquid soaps, which you can
get at Elephant Pharmacy I think. They are gentle and they smell
nice too. I don't think you should be using a wash cloth or
anything rough like that. Hope that helps.
Sensitive Mom
I would strongly suggest you see a doctor to rule out any other
issues. We have used cetaphil soap for our son who has very
sensitive skin. We were told that the ''baby soaps'' actually
have so many frangrances that they irritate the skin. You may
also want to consider Aveeno products.
jounjian
I don't think vaginas need to be washed with soap, just water.
karen
You could try having her wash herself. 4 is old enough for that. Also,
maybe don't use soap in those areas all the time. Just a nice long soak
in the water that is probably full of soap from washing the other parts of
her body would probably do the trick.
clean enough
I never washed my kids private parts with soap... or my own for that matter!
This sounds unhealthy to me!
fresh and clean mamma
Plain water is best. Soap or cleanser of any kind can be very
irritating to the female genital area at any age.
At 4 years, she might also resist having parents too involved
in her personal bathing ritual. Have you tried ''delegating'' and
trusting her? She should well be able to simply pour water from
the shower head to her privates, or to dab them front-to-back
with a soft wet washcloth.
Don't obsess
I second everyone's advice that water is sufficient but wanted
to add that using soap on female private parts can upset the
natural bacterial balance and cause yeast infections.
anon
Sept 2004
Hi, I have a 6 year old daughter who contunues to initiate
playing ''doctor'' type games that involve touching other kid's
genitals. We have had problems over this last year where the
parents of her friends have made a pretty big deal about it. We
have had conversations with her about this letting her know it's
ok for her to touch herself in private (and have defined what
''private'' means etc.), but not with her friends and especially
not touching. We have all agreed to have them keep there clothes
on etc. while playing. Last night while visiting, my friend put
all of the kids in the bath together. They were once again caught
''playing'' with each other. Are we making too big a deal about
this? Should we make a bigger deal of it? I can tell my friend
feels really uncomfortable about this. Initially I felt it was
natural and the kid's would lose interest in time but my friends
think that crossing the line into touching is an actual sexual
act because it causes pleasure and therefore is not ok. I tend to
agree but don't know for sure. The questions is what is the
definition of ''playing doctor''? All of the books say ''playing
doctor'' is ok and natural. I would assume it involves some
touching and that kid's don't think of it as a sexual thing but
more of a curious thing. I don't know and am clearly confused on
what is appropriate or inappropriate. Sorry for being so wordy
and thanks for any and all advice.
Concerned mom
Getting a kid to understand body boundaries is a process, not an event. It's
possible that your daughter is taking longer to learn these boundaries than the
average girl, but I don't see it as being very far off the norm.
However, six years old is too old to be sharing baths with friends, especially for a
kid who has trouble setting limits on her own. My advice is to keep emphasizing
the message, but keep her out of temptation's way. No co-bathing; separate beds
at sleepovers; and generally keep an eye on the kids when they play together.
Setting limits for her in a loving and watchful way will help her to learn to set
limits
for herself. It will also help her to learn to set limits with others when her own
body
is the object of interest. It sounds to me like you're already on your way.
Letitia
Hi-
I missed the original post, so hope I'm not off base with this, but I'd like to put
in a
good word for playing doctor, sharing beds and baths with friends, and such! I did
all those things as a kid, and contrary to feeling damaged by them, they were fun,
educational, and are among my fondest memories of childhood. The first time I saw
a vagina was with a flashlight, under the covers, sleeping over with a friend (shared
bed) at about age 10. We were both very curious and eager to take a peek at each
other- completely mutual, no coercion, giggly not guilty. Of course, in those days,
clinical diagrams were not available for children's instruction and the word vagina
was barely whispered- but, I think I'd choose my experience over clinical diagrams.
anon
March 2004
I'm not sure if I did the right thing when yesterday I walked
into my 7 year old daughter's room and found her on the floor
naked from the waist down playing with her Barbies. I asked her
what she was doing and she started crying. I believe she was
exploring her gentalia with her Barbie dolls. I told her that
wanting to explore herself was very normal, that she should only
use her hands/fingers to explore and that using another object
might injure her. She was quite upset/embarrassed and didn't
want to talk about it any further. I did tell her that if she
had any questions she could ask me anything but she just clammed
up. Did I handle this correctly? Is this normal for a child so
young? I'd love to hear from anyone with a similar experience.
A concerned mom
Yes, it is normal at this age. My daughter isn't old enough yet, but I remember
that I started, um, ''exploring'' when I was 7, too. I think you handled it quite
well, except for one thing, which you may have done, and just didn't mention,
but in case you DIDN'T do it, my suggestion would be also to *apologize* to
your daughter for walking in on her. Also, I would strongly urge you to promise
never to do it again and that you will always *knock* (and wait for her to say
''you can come in'') before you enter her room. She's old enough now (clearly)
to need some privacy, so showing that you acknowledge that and will respect
her privacy is really important, I think.
anon
October 2003
Our 6.5 year old recently told us that her brother (our 2.5 yr
old) said it was okay to touch his penis, so she can let him
touch her vagina. While we don't want to shut down curiousity,
this doesn't sit well with us. We're tempted to talk with her
about ''private parts'' and not letting anyone touch her there.
How have others handled this situation?
anonymous
I guess I'd be more concerned about where the 2.5 year old got
the idea that it was ''okay'' for your daughter to touch his penis
than I would be about shutting down curiousity -- especially if
he's in day care of any kind. Apart from that, this seems like
a very apt time to explain to the kids that certain kinds of
touchings are not appropriate. Doubt that you'll make them less
curious and you will make them safer.
I am surprised that this is a topic that has not already been discussed with
both of your children. I have had this discussion with my daughter since she was
two. I taught her the proper terms for her private parts and explained that
these parts are special and so no one should touch them but her (and even this
needs to be done respectfully), unless she had just gone to the bathroom and
needed to be cleaned.
I have always been strict about manners, but have made it very clear that she
can be as rude and defiant as she wants to anyone who touches her privates. I
frequently repeat the converstaion. Her pediatrician told me it is important to
make it a common conversation, otherwise kids can forget.
The best protection you can give your child from sexual abuse is to inform
them of their rights to their bodies! Otherwise, they don't know what is O.K.
for people to do or not. Most types of sexual abuse are inflicted on children by
people they know and are comfortable with and if you don't make it clear to
them that NO ONE has the right to play with or explore their bodies they won't
have a clue.
Children become very exploratory around age 4-5 and it is
important that they understand that it is not O.K. to explore on other people/
children. I know there are people who believe that exploration is natural and
innocent, but without boundries anything can get out of hand. I think that with
a boy and girl on your hands you should start teaching them about respecting
each other's bodies at an early age. You don't have to make it sound evil or
bad, I took more of a respect approach: respect for your body and those of
others.
We also practiced how to say no in scenerios, this is also agood idea to do
when teaching them not to go off with strangers. It is important that they get
a chance to practice a behavior.
Good luck! I know it may be a hard thing for some to discuss. I got over my
shyness quickly, you will too. It has to be something your child can feel
comfortable discussing with you if you expect them to be able to come to you
later should something arise.
Marcela
I would say to be firm on this one. Just tell her that only
mommies and daddies and doctors can touch there and
that's only when their babies. Right now it sounds a little ify
but if you waited it could become serius. Say no.
Anonymas
The book ''Becoming the parent you want to be'' by Keyser and
Davis has a chapter on this. You might want to take a look at
it. It will help you make up your mind and find a solution that
will work for your family.
good luck
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