My toddler is being labeled a bully

My 16 month son and I attend a regular toddler enrichment activity. This is tremendously fun for both of us and we have made some great friends here. Unfortunately, my son has developed the habit of hitting other children on the head or face. This generally seems to happen when he gets excited and happy. He never hits in response to having toys taken from him or as a retaliation. The general reaction of the other toddlers to being hit ranges from an occasional frown or brief tears but more often than not it is usually a blank stare and a quick return to play. My son has frequently been hit, bumped into, knocked down and has had toys snatched from him on a daily basis. It has never crossed my mind that any of these children are headed down the road to brutal delinquency.

About a month ago, my son hit a little girl in the class twice in one session. I was very embarrassed and made sure to apologize profusely to the mother. This child was not someone we had met before and she reacted with very intense, prolonged tears. I am a first time mom and I am not perfect. I didn't quite know how to cope with this beyond apologizing. This was the first time that a child reacted with such intensity and I was truly at a loss.

Since this incident I have been upped my vigilance about keeping a very close watch on my son. We encountered the duo a second time, during which I made sure that he had no contact with her whatsoever. I assumed that the incident had boiled over.

I was approached by the teacher yesterday in front of all of the other parents at the end of class and was told that this mother emailed the director of the program and told her that my son was a bully. The teacher was kind about it and said that she defended my son as a sweet boy. However,I am a bit disturbed about the way the whole manner was handled (this director never contacted me and then it was brought up in front of the other parents).

My knowledge of child development leads me to believe that children at this age have not yet developed a sense of empathy. I don't think it's possible to be an actual bully- is it? Am I completely in denial here? Does it sound like a case of true thug behavior?

I would really appreciate some constructive feedback about managing this behavior. My approach to date has been a firm no, a soft grabbing of his hand, and ''gentle, gentle'' with some redirecting. Does anyone have any other suggestions? -Publically labeled as brutes.

Say "no" and remove him from the other kid. He won't totally understand yet but you are teaching, not punishing. He does have to start hearing the word 'no' at some point (at the opposite end of the spectrum is my sister's 5 year old who cried when I said 'no' to her because no one had ever said that to her).

Apologize to both parent and kid -- after all, you're the one who let this happen, even if it was an accident. Personally, if the "victim" seems to be overreacting I would focus my apology on the parent.

You have to watch watch watch CONSTANTLY. But don't feel too bad when you miss something - you just won't be able to prevent everything.

I totally know how you feel. Certain moms with these sweet little girls who cry at the drop of a hat when touched by someone half their size can drive me insane. (Thankfully, many moms of sweet little girls are extremely understanding. Love them.)

Real discipline starts later than 16 mos. And I am a mom who is 'strict' by most standards. (Remember, I said 'no' to the 5 YO). There is no such thing as a 16-month old "bully"!!

It does sound like you are in a bit of denial about your kids behavior. It doesn't sound like he is mean spirited or out of control - but it DOES sound like he needs consequences and discipline.

EVERY time he hits another child, you should immediately tell him not to do it, apologize to the other child and give him a time out. Apologizing to the parent of the other kid doesn't make the kid who was hit feel any better. And if your son can't/won't apologize to the child, you should apologize for him, so that your kid sees you model appropriate behavior and the child who was hit feels better. Your kid will catch on.

But if you just let him continue negative behaviors and think just because he is ''young'' that it's ok, you'll have a handful to deal with when you wake up one day and realize your kid is a nasty teenager who won't listen to you or is not empathetic to others.

Even if other parents aren't doing that for your child when he is hit or pushed, it doesn't make your lack of intervention ok. And, if they do hit or push your child and the parent doesn't do something, say something, it's fine to tell that child it's not nice to hit or push others... take responsibility

I would say get yourself out of that enrichment program. The teacher and the director both displayed extremely unprofessional behavior. I would never stand for that.

Don't worry. Most likely in a couple month your child won't be doing this anymore (but he'll probably have a new and equally baffling new behavior ;) MomOf2

I do understand the frustration of the other parent. It is horrifying to see your sub-2 child hit by another child just as it is mortifying to see your sub-2 child hit another child. I remember thinking every awful thought in the book about another child at the playground who hit my then-18-month-old. The shoe was on the other foot a year later. Kids react differently. I am fortunate not to have drama-queens in my household and am always shocked to encounter them, but I do understand...the child was reacting more from surprise than hurt. But, it is withing her right. The Mom will reign that in at some point.

Regarding the preschool...I am not surprised that the director didn't say a thing to you. I frequently hear how horrible this child is or that child is...parents have no problem criticizing others parenting while breaking their arms patting themselves on the back for their successes...I ignore it. I see the children, spend time with the children (often more waking hours than the parents themselves do) and have a pretty good idea about how kids act and what is going on...just the other day I got to listen to some parent criticize the parenting of another and throw names at a child (acts like a baby, obviously no discipline in the home, etc) who is five and under my care. Whatever...I have no need to tell her that the child is autistic. I just told her that the kid is awesome and I love him very much and that each kid has her own bag of tricks. To your point. I never comment on another child (except positively) to another parent. So, I wouldn't expect the Director to comment. I am very surprised that the teacher did this to you in front of other kids and I would talk to her. Let her know your embarrassment and let her know that you felt it was unprofessional (she probably already knows...I have wanted to eat my words on the very rare occasion myself. We are all human.) If she defends her behavior then talk to the director. But, my guess is that she already knows that she said something stupid.

And, regarding the behavior itself...it sounds like you are on the ball and doing your best. Keep it up. Model, model, model. Remove from situations...cool down periods as necessary. Do keep an eye on it...I just heard a story about a lovely 5-year-old who had integration issues. I never would have known that she used to be the 'hitter' on the playground from 18-months until 3. Turns out that she had space issues (and other things) that have been worked through with an occupational therapist. -anon

Some parents offered good advice about removing your son from a situation when he does hit, though. It is absolutely important to start teaching him at this age that it is not OK to behave that way. You may also want to explain why (something to the effect of: you didn't like it when (insert child's name) hit you, (insert child's name) doesn't like it when you hit her, either). He may not get this concept yet, and he won't internalize it for awhile, but at least he gets used to hearing it.

Hope this helps. Keep up your vigilance when he is playing and ask his teachers to be consistent with your method, as well. Melissa

1. (Most important) look at what happens just before and after hitting and try to figure out if he is trying to get the child's attention, play with the child's toy, get adult's attention. And did he succeed?

2. Instead of reproving your son, model empathy: Turn first to the other child and briefly comfort her saying words like ''I'm so sorry. You don't like hitting.'' Afterward turn to your son: ''You didn't want to make her cry. Can you pat her hand gently to make her feel better?'' (Guide him. Praise him as he tries to follow even if the other child isn't comforted.)

3. Teach a different strategy. Describe what you think he wanted to achieve, e.g. ''you wanted to play, too.'' Model what your son could have done, like clapping, or saying, ''hi!: or holding out a hand and saying ''please,'' or offering the other child a toy. (If the other child does not respond, say ''You tried. Let's see what you and I can do instead'' and model how to join a different child's play.

4. Spend more time with your child in the play group, anticipating problems and modeling better solutions. Don't take over play, just assist in what they initiate.

5. At home create similar situations and make a game out of them: Enter the room with a big ''Hi!'' When happy, clap. In play,''your turn, my turn.'' When frustrated, ''What else can we do?''

6. Finally, be on the lookout for nice behavior, clap, and DESCRIBE and COPY what he is doing right. What your son has is mistaken behavior, not misbehavior. Good luck with teaching him more successful strategies. I'd love to hear from you. Pearl

My 19-month-old is being bullied at the playground

My son is 19 mos & has a language delay + some issues with eye contact. My Mominlaw says it is B/C he does not go to daycare and interact with children enuf. So, for several mos, I have taken him to the parks/ play areas to socialize. But, it goes awfully (esp. the less babylike he is)! He is hit/shoved/yelled at nearly every outing, usually more than once!!! We try so hard to prevent it too. My son has lost interest in the play structures & instead likes to sit and pour wood chips on himself, or hang at the edges now.

The bullying happens when someone takes an interest in my son's independent play and approaches (often there is no toy involved). I am always nearby and when they bully, I calmly ask the child something like ''are you wanting to play?'' This fixes the problem momentarily, However, often the child returns & more urgently ''punishes him''(shoving, hitting and shouting at my son). My son never resists.

Sadly, the other moms do nothing- or act like it's a ''sharing issue'' (like it's ok to hit if you havetrouble with sharing??). Thus it often happens more than once in a visit. Last week my son was sitting in a toy boat when a boy climbed in & sat beside him. Plenty of room for both. I hoped for sharing glances, but the child suddenly grabbed my son by his shirt & pushed him down into the foot area & hit him. The other toddler's mom came over & lifted her child up, which set off a kicking fit, & the child tried to grab my kid again in anger (didn't want to be removed from the boat) My son had done nothing but just sit quietly in the boat. In August, a 3 year old tried to shove my son, who was at my side, into a fountain!! My son had ignored the child's earlier advances/ no eye contact ..and so I think the kid was mad. I had to practically fight the kid to get my son out of the water.

I've tried hanging back, tried standing right there & chatting w/every child as they approach. But it just keeps happening and I don't know what to do. We are heart broken.

Worse... at the park today, I put my son in amongst a small group of kiddos and babies. For a while he sat still with a worried look on his face, and then suddenly became excited & ran over and swung at a baby and was almost giddy dancing as he tried to stomp her!!!

What should I do? I would love to have anyone's input, but espec. any input from ASD mommies with regard to bullying lola

You might want to try finding one or two more mellow boys his age and set up some 1:1 playdates at your house, where you can guide the interaction and give your son a chance to ''practice'' his social interaction in a safe place. I put signs up in various parks around me (and a notice on BPN) and found some really really great playmates for him. Maybe also find a social skills playgroup with kids his age. The more he can practice in a safe setting, the better he'll be able to do it out in the ''real'' world. Hope that helps! Jill

I think a lot of parents take their kids to the park and then check out. I've had kids push my kids off slides, hit, steal toys, etc. and (some) other parents just don't care. So I am vigilant. When another kid approaches your kid, you might want to go one step farther in engaging them in play. Instead of asking ''Are you wanting to play?'' you could ask ''Do you want to pour woodchips into a pile too?'' to help them get started.

I think you are ascribing too much thought to other toddlers. I really doubt they are targeting your kid because of some slight that occurred earlier in your outing. Little kids don't always know (or remember or care) good ways to interact. Also, kids engage in parallel play until they are ~3 years old. Instead of going to parks/on outings, you might want to join a mother's club or a co-op so he sees the same kids each time.

Incidentally, I no longer think my son has ASD. He talks like a champ, reads, is into imaginary play, and has lots of friends. I think he was just a late-bloomer and needed a little extra help and guidance in making friends. Anon

Your mother-in-law, by the way, is dead wrong if she is suggesting that your son has autism because he doesn't get enough social interaction. What should you do? Get in touch with the RCEB and a local ASD support group. You think you can do autism alone? Maybe, but it's going to be hard enough -- why make it harder? kevin

My one-year-old is being teased by kindergarteners

Yesterday I was in the checkout line at the grocery store with my one year old and two boys about age five started teasing him because he was in a diaper without pants over the diaper. I'm sure my son didn't know exactly what was going on but he seemed a little perplexed by their jabbings (they were pointing at him and saying: ''look, he's naked and then they would laugh''). Their mother seemed oblivious to their antics and I was in the middle of checking out so I let it go. However, I felt myself becoming really angry at their behavior and I wondered how I would handle such a thing if it happened in a year or two or three when my son is old enough to be hurt by their words. I may be overly sensitive but I HATE teasing and I was a school administrator in a school where we had a no teasing, or meaness policy. Any advice? My thought in retrospect would have been to say to the boys in the moment to stop teasing my son as I don't tolerate teasing of any kind in my family. beth

Also, I would have no problem with someone else addressing my kids the same way if they were the ones causing the problem. But if you do run into a parent who objects, stand your ground. You have an obligation to protect your child, and as long as you are polite and reasonable, you are totally in the right. Sara

I would have laughed and said to my son (if he had noticed) look at those silly boys, they must not remember when they wore diapers, then I would have smiled at the boys.

Children take their cues from us. When my son didn't know how to handle something, he'd look at me. For teasing and general sillyness I'd just roll my eyes and smile, then he'd roll his eyes and smile. learned the hard way

Other parents letting their kids bully my 2-year-old

Whenever I take my 2 year old son to the toy store or the playgound, other rude children will come up and snatch toys from him or try to bully him. My son has a calm and gentle temperament and doesn't seem to mind, but I often have to remove my son after awhile because some of these kids would just keep following him. I don't feel that it is fair for my son to give up his toys or space when the parents of these rude kids just sit there and watch their kids getting their way. What is the best way to handle this, should I speak nicely to the rude child or to the parent? Fed Up

Make him practice, not only while in public, but by roleplaying with you at home. I know he's only 2yo, so keep it simple for now and keep working on it with him over time. Good luck.

First, I would say that that your child should not have to be the target of bullying kids of parents that allow aggressive behavior. What I would do is say something like, ''Excuse me, my son was playing with that, so please don't take it.'' If you need to, gently remove the toy and say, ''Let's give it back to Ben, since he was already playing with it.'' I do believe it takes a village, and if you are doing it nicely (not an angry mama bear) both children will get something out of your intervention.

However, the other thing I would say (or ask) is, Are you being overly sensitive? You may feel that because your son is calm and gentle, he is a victim waiting to happen, and so are looking for every possible infraction on the part of other children. I would say that you also don't want to set yourself up for being your child's hovering saviour. Something to be in tune with is finding a way for kids to get along on their own, yet guiding them through it.

One thing I did want to call out is it also might be an appropriate way for your son to learn how to share. I was once in the sandbox at the Montclair playground and was floored when a grandma was standing guard over a cache of sand toys that she had brought for her child. Obviously, other children saw them all and wanted to play too, and she kept saying, ''Give that back, that belongs to Emma.'' I thought it was a pretty poor choice to bring those toys and not use it as an opportunity to teach her child to share. It would have been easy enough to say, '' Emma is playing with that now, if you want to wait a few minutes, you can have a turn.'' Everyone wins. Maybe this is something you could try.

I would not say anything to the other parent (people tend to get sensitive and turn defensive) unless the bully child is really hassling yours. Then, maybe I would say, ''It looks like your son is being a bit aggressive with mine. Could you help make sure he doesn't keep grabbing from my son? Thanks SO MUCH!'' If you do not act like the child is a problem, just acting in an inappropriate way, then your sincere words should go a long way. Elizabeth

Along those lines, I don't think that two year old are capable of being rude, I think they're being two. Toy snatching is a pretty common activity at that age. I don't know that bullying is really what is happening either, as that implies some intent to be mean and hurtful. Most preschool age kids take what they want, end of story, until redirected by an adult. Now if these other kids are much older, there's a whole different problem, but I assume you're talking about kids of similar ages to yours. Mom of grabby three year old

Just after his second birthday, all that started to change. He started objecting if other kids tried to grab something from him, and would sometimes push or hit them to keep them from doing so. That's bad enough, but he also became a toy-snatcher himself, and would shove or hit if the other child resisted. This behavior seemed to peak around 2.6, and is still an issue at 3.4 -- even though I *do* correct it.

And I'd like you to know that, at least for me, it has been way way WAY more difficult to deal with being the parent of the aggressor than being the parent of the child being aggressed upon. Not that it's easy to see other children mistreating your child, but at least you get to rejoice in what a wonderful, well-behaved child you have (while perhaps feeling a bit superior to the parents of the ill-mannered hooligans, who clearly are just not properly parenting their child!). It's far worse when you find your own child's behavior mortifying, but have been having difficulty stopping it. We continue to work on it, and I do think there's been some improvement lately, but let me tell you, it is absolutely exhausting mediating all the squabbles my son gets into. And I'll confess that, especially when he first started snatching things from other kids, I would sometimes look the other way if the other kid wasn't upset -- not so much out of indifference as from sheer exhaustion! I eventually decided that I have to correct the behavior all the time, even if the other child doesn't object, because otherwise I'm sending my son a mixed message, but let's just say I'm now much more sympathetic to other parents who don't always correct their child for this behavior.

So, I guess the main point of this post is to let you know what it's like to be on the other side of this problem -- I'm hoping this will help you to be less judgemental and more compassionate towards the other parents in this situation. For all you know, you may be in their shoes 6 months or a year from now -- and even if you're not, I think it's always a good idea to try to understand the other person's point of view. Diane

The parents who let their kids ''bully'' your kid - if taking a toy away could really be called bullying - may just be more laid back parents than you, or possibly the kids could be at the park with thier nannies. Whatever the case, there are some of us, apparently few, who think kids need to develop their own negotiating skills. Kids of a certain age get toys taken away - mine did. Then they get older and they are the toy grabbers - mine did that too. The grabees don't seem to mind.

I think it's the parents who mind, and if that's not projecting, I don't know what is. Toddler play is not like adult interaction, where we'd be upset if we were reading Vogue and some other woman came up and grabbed it from us. Toddlers sort of grab and give up toys in a circular fashion, and that's just normal. As I read all these comments about how dang UPSET some moms get when their kids have toys taken away, and how they feel they need to jump to thier child's rescue, I wonder if these moms are going to attend elementary school with their kids to fight their battles for them. And I wonder if it would even BE a battle if the moms didn't make it one.

There's this competitive motherhood thing around here that I don't even get, so maybe I'm way off base. But I thought it might be helpful to hear from someone outside the choir. why I dread going to the park

I am not judging your parenting. I am worried about my own. What do I do when your kid bites mine, or pushes him or grabs a toy and he bursts into tears? How many times do I say about your child, when mine looks at me, hurt and bewildered, ''he/she didn't mean it'' or ''he/she is having a rough day?'' And what do I do when my child becomes more introverted because he is always picked on?

I understand it is difficult to raise a ''spirited'' child. But as a parent of a child who is gentle and shy, I have put up with all kinds of comments about him ''not being socialized'' or ''still stuck on mommy'' or even ''slow to develop.'' Can you imagine how this made me feel about my own parenting skills? I understand you are embarrassed and exhausted by your child's behavior, but your defensive attitudes drive a wedge between us at a time when we need each other the most.

Secondly, for us, the solution was to stay away from the park and find a small preschool with children of similar tempermants. My son is now thriving and no longer shrinking once I limited his exposure to more aggressive children and their defensive parents. happy at last

Some situations, like when kids are pretty evenly matched, may indicate it's appropriate to let them work it out. Sometimes, especially when the kids were younger, I helped them find the right words/solution. But when one kid is always at the short end -- emotionally or physically -- I don't agree that they should work it out alone.

In fairness, how can I stop him, if he doesn't see me stop it directed at him? Teasing and exclusion are pretty normal developmentally. I've even heard people excuse exclusion of other children (''it's hard for children to expand the group in the midst of play''). How can we accept behavior that makes a child feel so bad? Why do we accept hurtful behavior so long as it's not physical?

This is less about shielding a child from even being exposed to such behavior as letting him know that it's not ok, even if it happens. anon

Is my preschooler a bully in training?

My five year old son has always been very sweet and sensitive to other's feelings. In the past year he's befriended some boys in his pre-k who aren't really rule-followers and don't have the greatest self-control. My son has started to say that he likes these friends because they do mean things. For example, they like to scare other kids (especially girls). Since his induction into this posse, my son refuses to play with his once beloved friend in the class who is a girl. He will play with her on playdates though. He has taken to shamelessly excluding this girl at school despite the ''no exclusive play'' policy. He has said some very unkind things about his girl friend in the presence of the girl and her mom such as ''oh good, she won't be at school tomorrow.'' I'm just mortified and don't know how to tame my little beast. who is this child?

You say he says he is attracted to them because they are ''mean.'' Have you talked through with him what ''mean'' really is? Empathy needs teaching. What you have here is an important teaching moment. He still wants to play with this girl outside of school. Have you explained that his behavior pains her, and that this friendship will go away if he continues to behave badly.

Does he see these nasty kids outside of school? If so, why? You need to communicate, clearly and with no wiggle room, your rejection of them and their behavior. Yes, I know you can't control what he does at school. You can, however, control what he does, and where he goes, at other times.

Most likely, what he is enjoying with these boys is the pack mentality: the warm feeling of being in a group and the shared strength of the band. But if you don't want a mean thoughtless follower you need to work at showing him the results of his behavior. (Oh, and if they are already playing mean pack kids, you can count on them turning on him eventually too.) lw

My 4-year-old is bullying other kids

I have only been able to find info for parents of the kids who are the victims of bullying. Our son, who is not quite 5, has been showing more and more agressive behaviors aimed at other kids. He focuses on another kid at preschool and targets him/her with physical violence and teasing, even goads other kids into same behaviors. His preschool teachers are very concerned and try to monitor him every second.

My partner and I are totally non-violent people. We don't hit, we don't threaten, we don't yell. We've always stopped any aggressive behavior immediately and said that this is never acceptable. We don't understand where this is coming from, and are starting to feel that we've done something awful as parents or that our child is just ''bad'' at the core.

Please don't diagnose our child - we will be seeing behavioral specialists asap for that. We would appreciate any info on support, parenting books or other resources, or personal stories about coping with similar situations. Freaking Out Parent

Outside of Kaiser we are sending our kid to Quest camp (a bpn recommendation - significant expense and drive for us.) A woman in our carpool describes her son similarly - ''very nice at first and then gets too agressive.'' They work with kids with ''mild to moderate ADD, ADHD, Aspergers, and other behavioral issues''.

Looking at my son through the lens of sensory integration has been helpful - he loves pillowfights, big hugs and wrestling, and we may seek professional help from San Leandro specialist in this area named Bledsoe.

Concerned about my son's moral development, cub scouts and church youth group were obvious choices. Cub Scouts is full of kids with ADD and my son often behaves better in this boy- friendly environment.

Many of our friends and family think we have caused this problem by being too lenient, too inconsistent, and letting our son be the Alpha male in our household. I'm sure that to some extent that is true and we are trying to clean up our act. We are lower energy older parents who waited a long time for this kid, Type B personalities who don't even notice, much less sweat, the small stuff. I'm probably ADD, so it's hard for me to be as consistent as I would like to be, plus I'm routine-resistent and authority questioning. I believe that regular beatings used to be the way that children like my son were handled in the olden days, and in some cases, the kids turned out okay - My dad may have been one of these. He died at 30 (a doctor) so I don't know his whole story. I notice that some people tell their children that they will burn in hell forever if they don't behave better, but we haven't stooped to that yet. I would like to form a support group but am embarassed to publicize my name. a worried mom

My child went from being a 'victim' to an 'aggressor,' and I learned quite a bit being the parent on that journey. Here is some of what worked for us.

I apologized to anyone and everyone for everything: the parents, teachers, school, etc... I took full responsibility for my child's behavior, because ultimately - I am responsible. (these were some hard phone calls to parents. and sometimes it was hard to get names from teachers of who my kid had hurt) I informed them of my/our plans of action. (pediatrician, behavioralist, teacher and/or director meetings, etc...) The school and I agreed on a list of behaviors I needed to review with my child before returning to school. The day of bad behavior, I have child 'write' (or dictate) a letter of apology to the children hurt. And then I maintained constant and ongoing communication about what steps have been taken, what steps are ahead, what daily role plays (or lessons or etc.....) we are working on at home, with all parties involved, how and what seems to be working, what else we could be doing, etc...

It was a lot of work. But I am really proud of us for how we worked through it. And many of the parties involved thanked us. And I/we truly felt we were building a circle of strength and support around our kid. Who has come through great.

Best of luck to your family. Been there

The Parenting Clinic http://www.son.washington.edu/centers/parenting-clinic/

Carolyn Webster-Stratton Professor of Family and Child Nursing, Director of the School of Nursing Parenting Clinic University of Washington http://www.son.washington.edu/faculty/faculty_bio.asp?id=112

I hesitate to include this video because the presentation's focus is research data on the long-term effects of untreated childhood aggression. My point in sharing this video is much the same as any research done by a parent that helps to define and exclude the behaviors, symptoms, etc in their own child (similar to researching diaper rashes: ''this photo shows a blotchy, raised and red rash - our little guy's looks more like small red dots, that itch'' etc). The presentation includes great examples of the techniques used by the clinic staff members as they work with children who have behavior and social integration problems. ''Helping Young Aggressive Children Beat the Odds: Parents, Children, Teachers and Dinosaurs'' http://www.uwtv.org/programs/displayevent.aspx?rID=2675 If you have trouble viewing UWTV website's streaming video, you might try calling the clinic to ask if they have any additional DVD copies of the video.

From your post, it is obvious that you are thoughtful, nurturing parents. I wish you success and joy as you continue to be strong advocates for the health and well- being of your WONDERFUL (yes, wonderful) child. A member of the village

My 3.5 yr old is a bully!

My son is a total bully. He does all the standard stuff, grabbing toys, hitting a kid who grabs his toys. But it's the random episodes that are totally distressing, the stuff that comes out of nowhere. For example, this morning, he suddenly ran over to another kid at daycare and pushed him right into a tree with significant force, apparently with no provocation. I also just found out that he pushed another boy off of a play structure a few weeks back. Luckily that kid landed okay, with no apparent damage. Another thing he'll do is just reach out and scratch at or hit a child as they walk by.

He's also the kid who always takes the high energy play too far. For example, he and a friend were playing well (play date) and jumping on the bed. My boy's the one who ends up jumping into the other boy and knocking him off onto the floor. No permanent damage, again, but alot of crying and an angry parent.

We are constantly working on gentle and what is okay and not okay behavior. We also talk to him about the right way to get someone attention. I'm starting to get worried and don't know where this behavior is coming from. All I know is that I grit my teeth every time I have to pick him up, waiting to hear what he did that day.

Any advice for strategies that stop the behavior are appreciated. Is this a phase he'll grow out of? If so, what's the best way to handle these things when they come up? I don' want to always be forcing him to control himself and not get excited or physical, but he's not doing a good job of keeping it from going too far and, like I said, the randomness of his flash agressiveness often keeps the adults from reacting fast enough to avoid problems. Any advice or stories of your own experience is greatly appreciated. Mama in distress

That being said, I had the same issues starting about age 4.5 with my son, although his older sister called him ''rough and tough'' at 18 months. He was the sweetest guy at home, but came out swinging if someone was unfair or said something mean, and wanted to play rougher than his friends. For him, a full-body tackle is fun even if his knee gets skinned.

What my son is, and maybe your is too, is impulsive. He is physically oriented and does the physical act before he can think it through. This is something that yours will likely outgrow. Our son, however, did not...and in 2nd grade we started him on meds for ADHD. We tried everything before that- punishments, rewards, empathy- teachers suggested organized sports and social skills classes, parents of the other kids talked behind our backs and avoided play dates, our son was miserable that he was always in trouble. Now on medication, his latest report card actually states ''model student'', ''a leader in citizenship''. Our boy is using the drive and energy he has in positive ways and is way happier. Other parents have expressed amazement at the sea change and say their girls all love his boyish charm, when they used to complain he was too rough. But...he still longs for the day he is old enough to play tackle football and he prefers friends who also like to bash into each other for fun. He is just able to control the impulse to do it at inappropriate times. He needs meds to do this, but we hope this is not forever, and we also know that this is not for everyone.

Your son will be a world-shaker someday, instead of just a little handful. He knows what he wants (and tries to get it). He's not afraid to throw himself into his work (which in the case is play with other kids- he's just literally is throwing himself at them for now:). I bet he's a fierce hugger, too. Keep your chin up, be firm with limits, let other parents know you're doing your best, and see his qualities in the best light possible. Best wishes- Rough-n-tough's Mom

I thought that I was 'always on my kids' to behave. I said/did everything that I was supposed to do, but nothing seemed to work. I chalked it up to my children to being far more exuberant and energetic than most kids -- something that I love. I finally realized, when my younger daughter tackled an sweet, mildly autistic kid that it wasn't enthusiasm that made my children do this, but my inconsistent and 'without bite' discipline.

Last month, we implemented 'operation sledge hammer.' Every time one of our girls broke the 'no hit/bite/kick/push' rule or one of our other rules...there are more for the older one, she immediately went to time out -- the older one for 15 minutes on a chair facing nothing interesting and the younger one in a high chair facing nothing interesting. When she was placed in time out she told the rule that they broke, she went to time out and afterwards we 'modeled' and discussed kind behavior. If the older daughter made noise or talked during time-out the timer started again (using a timer is important as it keeps things impartial). On the first day of operation sledgehammer, the girls spent a lot of time staring into space. My older daughter once spent 45 minutes at a sitting.

It felt initially like 'a lot of work,' because it wasn't always 'convenient.' If the older one smacked the younger one when walking out the door, all momentum had to stop, my daughter would sit in time out for 15 minutes to a half hour and then we'd invariably end up late wherever we were going. If the younger one smacked a kid at the playground, we'd have to both leave. After a few days I realized that I could put my child in time out three or four times a day or I could spend all day threatening time out with the occasional follow-through of a few minutes for the older one which had no impact, breaking up sisterly scuffles and apologizing to other parents.

After a week of this, I found myself with two wonderfully well behaved daughters (still high energy and exuberant). My younger daughter who could easily hit five or six kids in one short outing to the playground has only hit once in the past month -- after another older boy grabbed her toy and pushed her down (we are now working on the words 'help me' for frustrating situations like that...) My older one has become a much better listener, hasn't hit her sister once and shows much better self control. -anon

So, I say do what you can to lock it down at home. Also, talk to his teachers. See if you can take off a day or two and just go in and observe your child without interfering. It might help you to see for yourself what's going on rather than just hearing the aftermath. Perhaps if you can see his behavior with other children it will help you to figure out his choices at home.

I don't mean this to sound blaming, but rather to suggest that seeing him in action at school might help you decide how to help him while you're at home. anon

My 3-year-old was bullied at preschool

Hi, I recently found that my three yo was bullied at preschool by two other kids. They are younger and close playmates. The thing is that my son looks kinda smaller than his same age. And he doesn't know or dares not to confront them other than crying. Anyone had similar situation or advice? I already talked to the teacher. But it will take some time to teach my son how to defense. What else can I do now? Jin

Cruel comments by kids at preschool

My 3 1/2 year old daughter is a very lively, sociable child, extremely articulate and full of fantasy life. She sometimes captivates the other kids at school with her stories, and the teachers love her. She has an eclectic sense of style and is very earnest, kind and enthusiastic. The problem is the kids who say debilitating things to her. She is such a forthright kid, she never stops trying to connect; her enthusiasm is always tendered with a desire to be liked. Unfortunately, there are certain kids who *always* respond negatively to her overtures. She tells me that one of the kids at school tells her she is stupid every day. I have seen this kid turn the opinions of others against her, teaching them to follow his example. Worse yet, there are kids who are friends with her most of the time, who turn around suddenly out of the blue and say terrible things, with this incredible look of glee and delight on their face when she crumples. This kind of cruelty is worse because she is not expecting it, and the children are ones she considers friends so she really believes what they say. I do my best to handle it when I see it happen. Usually, I try to gently call them on it, saying things like, ''Do you think that made her feel good? Then why say something that makes someone feel bad?'' etc. I don't want to interfere inappropriately, but I don't want them to think it's okay, either. I understand that the worst ones are insecure, but that doesn't help my daughter. The teachers work with the kids as best they can, but they cannot overhear every remark made, and much slips by. This is an issue I have struggled with all through my life; I have trouble knowing what to tell her because I never really learned to deal with it either. I know I should teach her to ''toughen up'', but I don't want to squash the essential exhuberance of this child, and besides, I'm not sure I have the skills. What can I say to her? How can I help her to handle these children who want to ruin her self-esteem? We fill our home life with as much love and support as we can, but I'm not sure it's enough. Heather

I would suggest role-playing with your daughter, pretending that you (or dad, or a stuffed animal, or whoever) are another kid in class. When the pretend classmate makes a ''comment'', help her to respond in an appropriate way - perhaps you would prefer that she ignores the comment, or just smiles, or changes the subject (obviously teaching her to throw cruel comments back isn't going to help). She's not going to be able to learn this on the fly in class, kids learn from doing and example.

Demonstrate to her that she has control of the situation based on how she responds to it. Just the novelty of her not giving the usual response may be enough to throw the other kids off.

It seems like kids take on ''roles'' in group situations, and as they grow these roles change. Kids get big, they turn out to be smart, or athletic, or whatever - they change. She needs to shake up the dynamic.

My two cents, hope that helps. Hate to think of your daughter going through that. Betsy

I would speak to the teachers about changing the curriculum to discuss respectfulness for one another, kindness, compassion, and thinking about how others feel. If they aren't willing to put in that kind of work, I would switch schools.

Yes, you can give your child love at home which will build her self-confidence, but speaking as someone who was treated badly by my peers when I was a child, the pain of that cruelty never goes away. In the old days, they used to say, ''learn to toughen up!'' but nowadays they are more enlightened. There ARE ways to teach kids not to be cruel to one another... they may not work perfectly, but they do reduce these incidents.

Today, this kind of treatment of others is called bullying or emotional abuse, and many schools have a zero tolerance policy on the subject. So there is hope!

Good luck! This is very important for your child.

Making cruel comments is what preschoolers do, particularly as they move into their 4's. Although you may never hear about it, your daughter probably comes up with a few zingers herself. Do talk to the teachers about what the children are saying. It is their job to create a safe atmosphere and communicate to the children that cruelty is unacceptable. The kinds of things you have been saying to the children are quite good. Be clear and matter of fact that you don't like this behavior. It's important for you to sort out your own emotional baggage (we all have it!) from the problems your daughter is having. This is one of the exciting things about being a parent--you are creating a new way of responding to something you have struggled with in your own life. Louise

My reaction to this situation thus far has been to avoid him. We mostly play at parks, and we joined the YMCA about a year ago so we can do physical stuff in the evenings without involving my daughter playing outside. (We live in an apartment, so we can't just retreat to playing in the backyard.) This is a big improvement, but she still likes to play outside and some days I am completely at my wits end. He will scream at her and she will start balling. (This happens 99% of the time they are both outside ) I've progressed from saying "Don't worry about him." to "He's just a big meany." to "Don't worry honey you are much smarter and nicer than he is." I guess I am looking for advice about the following 1. What semi-constructive things could I say to him, the bully, to maybe make the situation better or head it off? Are there books that deal with this subject -for children or adults? and 2. What should I say to my daughter? He makes her feel bad about herself, what can I say to make her feel better? I don't think dealing with the parents will help much based on my experience, and really the problem in my opinion is not so much the childs behavior, which they can do something about, but his personality.

There's a book THE BICYCLE MAN that tells a similar story. It might pave the way for your child to having that play-date. Good luck!

Dreikurs does have one other "slogan" which might suggest something you could do "Take the sails out of their wind." This means if a child is misbehaving to you, remove yourself. Then they don't have anyone to focus their misbehavior on. In your concrete situation, this means take your daughter home if the bully starts misbehaving.

By the way, I'm not sure that it is helpful to the situation to try to make your daughter feel better by comparing him to her. My best wishes to all of you. Fran

Is my 2nd grader being bullied?

Either my child is being bullied or it's normal boy stuff, with my son being very sensitive (which he is). I'm not sure how to decide. My son is in 2nd grade, tall, somewhat awkward, and highly social and empathetic. He cries easily. Probably an easy kid to bully. He gets on well with most of the kids in his class. This year, there's been a kid I'll call Bob in my son's circle of friends. Bob is at least a head shorter than my son, and highly athletic. Lately I've been hearing an awful lot about Bob. About half the time Bob is a friend. But the other half of the time there is some kind of problem.

Earlier this year my son gave Bob a couple of small toys, because Bob wanted them. I didn't mind that, but shortly after that I began to hear stories about Bob making fun of my son. We bought a couple of ''cool'' cartoon T-shirts. My son was really excited about them, but the first time he wore one, Bob made fun of it, and the shirts have been in the drawer, unworn, since. Lately my son's lunch has been coming home, uneaten, because Bob thinks it's yucky and announces it to the whole table. This is stuff my son loves and specifically asks for. I don't care so much that my son doesn't eat, but it bothers me that he kowtows to this kid, and I don't even think that will solve the problem. My son says he tries not to sit by Bob, but that Bob specifically comes and sits by him.

Last night my son started crying, and told me that Bob had been ''accidentally'' bumping into him and hitting him in the crotch. He says it's not hard enough to really hurt, but that Bob does it on purpose, that Bob thinks it's funny, and that it really bothers my son. I'm pretty sure I actually saw this happen once, after school, when I was picking my son up from his aftercare program -- so I don't think my son is making it all up. Apparently, all of this happens at times when his teacher (very competent) is not around -- the lunchroom, the playground, waiting in line.

My son does not want to tell his teacher about it (and doesn't want me to) because he's afraid he'd get Bob in big trouble, and then the rest of his friends wouldn't like him because he tattled on Bob. My husband thinks we should just ride out the year (about a month now) and see what happens next year. But I'm worried about just leaving it. I've been seeing stress symptoms in my son: headaches, after-dinner meltdowns, clinginess. Any suggestions? Anonymous

If your son's main concern is how he will look amongst his ''friends'', you should tell him that his friends most likely have been ''bullied'' by Bob and most likely would like to have it stopped too. And if his friends stop being his friend for tattling on Bob, then they are not really friends to have anyhow. If your son is not being respected by the so-called friends then it's time to find some who will respect his feelings and thoughts. Bullies need to be confronted.

Bullying can leave lifetime scars. (I know from personal experience.) Your son needs help now, and he needs to know his parents will stand behind him and do whatever it takes to relieve this situation. There have been many studies on the harmful effects of bullying, and most schools are instituting formal programs to deal with it. If your school doesn't, you should take your child out of that school.

Today, I would be far better off if my parents had taken me out of school and the bullying situation, even if I sat at home all those years and learned nothing. Please tell the teachers now and make sure they take action, even if your son is so terrified of ''Bob'' that he is unwilling to ask for help. This really matters, and will make a difference in the rest of your son's life.

I never got the support, well, the words I wanted to hear from my parents. I wanted to hear: ''Go get 'em son. Don't take that guff from them. Fight back.'' I tried everything else, talking it out, ignoring it, talking to teachers. But I never fought back. I became a magnet for bullying.

I think you should pursue all avenues before telling your son to defend himself, but if after trying everything else, your son should warn his nemesis, and if it continues, fight back. Fight back hard. This kid is NOT your son's friend. Bullies usually give up when their target refuses to take it anymore. Your son might get more hurt if he fights back. But if he learns to take it and suffer through it, he will not only be hurt physically, it will scar him emotionally for a long, long time.

I turned out pretty much OK, I have a great family, job, etc etc. But when I see a kid getting bullied, even if it's on a TV show or movie, it really hurts. I feel it all over again, and it makes me sick. Wishing I had fought back

I can understand your son not wanting to be seen by his friends as a tattletale -- I felt the same way -- so you'll need to navigate this carefully to be sensitive of those feelings. A reasonable first step is probably to talk to the teacher and ask if she can keep her eyes open for these kinds of problem behaviors, letting her know that your son doesn't want to be seen as a tattletale. As for your husband's idea of letting things blow over since there's just a month of school left, to me that makes sense only if Bob is not going to be in the class again next year. Good luck

In this situation, your son is suffering with no protection at school. If the adminstration (teacher and principal) are made aware of this situation and take effective action, you will be helping your son as well as this child's other present and future victims. It is possible that some type of intervention could also be of help to the bully himself, as he may be being victimized outside of the school setting or have some emotional/psychiatric problems which are going unaddressed.

Another point is that your son needs to know that you and his father will try to protect him. He's only in second grade. Of course you don't want to make a federal case out of every hangnail, but he is not able to handle this effectively on his own and you also don't want him to learn the lesson that he shouldn't ask for help or that asking for help doesn't help. Children generalize and they won't always generalize in the ways that make sense to adults.

The fact that your son is sensitive and cries easily may have made him an appealing target for the bully in this situation b/c it helps the bully feel powerful and effective, but it doesn't change the fact that your son legitimately needs assistance from the adults in this situation. It doesn't make the other child's behavior less bully-like. Best of luck to you and your family in resolving this unpleasant situation. Ilene

The first thing you should do is tell the teacher. Also explain that your son is scared because he feels there will be reprocusions for telling. I also think while you are telling the teacher that you request your son isn't in the same class with this child next year. Even if you don't tell the teacher about the bullying (but I hope you do,) request a different class than this child. Teachers deal with this stuff all the time, they know what they are doing.

The power the bully has is that he gets away with it. I think your son's friends would be happy if the bully would stop too, but are also scared that they will be the next target. There are a bunch of books on Amazon about bullying. You can roll play with your child different tactics, and these skills will help your child the rest of his life. It will give him self confidence too. Telling isn't the only option. He can make it into a joke. He can yell ''stop bumping into my crotch, ASSHOLE!'' Sorry, at this age I would use the swear word, but you get my drift. He can walk away. He can say ''That's mean'' or ''I like eating seaweed, what do you have in your lunch?'' or ''You are a bully''. Explain to your kid also that no one gets to touch his private parts but him, a doctor with your consent or a parent with his consent.

A really good book for girl bullying (it's a picture book for kids) is Secret Bully. Although I have both a boy and a girl, my son hasn't needed this coaching yet. Most kids need the coaching. He is a good kid even if he is sensitive. Please don't let your child feel like he is a victum. The bullying gets much worse in the older grades. Personally I would want to know if my kid was bullying another kid, but from my obervations, most parents don't want to hear it. I guess I'm rather passionate about this. Hope this helps even a little

Explain to your son that you have to take action--if not just for him but for others in his classroom. If the boy who is being mean sees he can get away with it, then he will be mean to other kids and not just your son.

Practice scenarios with your son to help him respond t bullying. He can say ''Stop that! I don't like it,'' or whatever will work for him, including walking away. My son ended up using humor because that worked with his personality and the bullying stopped that year. There are loads of websites that give suggestions.

Meet with his teacher and document what was said and what the next steps are. The way my son's teacher handled it was to talk about bullying generally as a first step without naming names. That helped enormously.

Please do not let the teacher have the two boys meet to ''talk it out''. Studies show that bully/victim meetings are not effective. The power is all one-sided.

Good luck. No more bullying

I also attended a ''KidPower'' workshop with my son and we liked it very much. It was very helpful with providing assertive techniques for young children to deal with bullying.

Don't sit back and let this happen - contact the school immediately. Bullying is not OK - and it is not OK for your son to be feeling bad about himself. Wish there were no bullies....

A number of other respondents said that one should go to the director of the school if the teacher isn't responding. That is true, but in our experience, it doesn't really matter what the administration says about bullying when they talk to parents. In the end it's all up to the individual teacher to create a culture in the classroom.

My son was bullied quite badly during his kindergarten year at Park Day School in Oakland (bitten while standing in line at the water fountain, kicked while waiting in line to go into class, etc). When I asked his teacher about what was going on, his teacher told me, ''This is kindergarten. This is first grade.'' She did not expect anything different. The administration was much more optimistic, but they did not act. I noticed that another poster mentioned that their child was bullied during his kindergarten year at Park Day, and that they left the school, as we also did. My only regret is that we did not leave immediately. All a child needs at that age is to be safe. Forget the hopes and dreams you brought to the school, and place your kid somewhere where he feels safe. another mom

7-year-old's crush on the neighborhood bully

My 7 year old son plays outside in the neighborhood with 3 other boys aged 5, 6, and 11. He recently told me the 4 of them planned to ring the doorbell and then run away at the house of a neighbor. My son backed out of doing this prank at the last minute so the 10 year old held his arms up and told the 5 & 6 year olds to hit him in the stomach, which they did repeatedly. After this my son kept playing with the boys and then later blamed the episode on the younger kids saying that the 11 year old (whom he worships) was 'just joking' and didn't mean to hurt him. The 11 year old has had some behavior problems at school and his parents are in denial/ ineffective disciplinarians. The parents of the other boys are much more 'hands off' than I am and let their kids roam unsupervised.

I am not sure what to do about this situation. My son always wants to play outside with the other boys and idolizes the 11 year old. I spoke privately to both the 11 year old and the 6 year old about their bullying behavior but have not told their parents mostly because they would become upset with me and then nothing would really change. I did tell the older boy that I'd tell his father if it happened again. When the kids play near me I am constantly intervening and stopping behaviors such as poking each other with long sticks, teasing, destroying toys, and other aggressive play. Of course this just drives the group into someone else's yard. It is hard to set limits for my child on where he can go since the other boys are free to roam where they please. I've praised my son for paying attention to how comfortable he feels doing something and told him that he should leave if the boys are doing something he is not comfortable with. He is very peer oriented (not very independent) and I know this will be very hard for him. I also signed us up for a Kidpower class. I'd like my son to understand that the boy he is idolizing is manipulating him and creating competition/exclusion in the group by playing him off against the other boys. We've talked about the dynamic but playing with this older boy is just so exciting for my son that he doesn't care. So now do I just let my son get beat up and figure this out for himself? Is my talking to the kids and then not going to their parents sending a wierd message to the boys? Any advice on how to handle this? thanks for your opinion

Next, no. Don't let kids beat on your son. He's 7. He may not be able to fully grasp that he's being manipulated. He may be angry with you for taking away his hero, but he really should be playing with his peers. 11 and 7 are vastly different, especially if the 11yo pulls power trips, gets kids into mischief they wouldn't otherwise get into, and importantly, is violent with them. I would not let the 11yo play with my child again.

Many people say ''boys will be boys''. I say it's time to stop colluding with minor acts of violence, thus saying they're okay. It's time to set limits. Stop worrying about neighbors being upset with you and instead, protect your kid; that's your job.

Helping 6-year-old recover from a year of bullying

My 6-year old son was bullied at a private school in North Oakland throughout his kindergarten year. He was kicked, hit and bitten, but what I think is even more damaging is that there was a group of kids in his class that said incredibly mean things in order to exclude him. We are switching schools, but what I'm worried about is that he has really lost his trust and confidence in new social situations. Since the end of school, there's been a pretty miraculous change in his mood and he's begun to recover his old optimism, excitement and confidence, but I've noticed that in new social situations the wounds are really apparent. He no longer has his old confidence and friendliness, and sometimes he withdraws or puts up his defenses because he no longer assumes good intentions when kids approach him.

Has anyone else had experience in helping a kid recover from bullying? What was best to help them recover confidence in the world and in their physical environment? Are there certain kinds of activities that help? What could help a child who has been through this as they go through a transition to a new school? I'd be grateful for any advice. worried mom

What did we do? Over the course of a YEAR, we talked about it once in a while. We talked about bullying in general, sometimes in particular. It was a great lesson in the sense that it made him appreciate how damaging bullying can be. He didn't want to go back to the camp. At all.

However, at the end of June, he started to say he wanted to go to the SAME camp. When I asked him why: he said he wanted to try it again. Face his fears. You see, we had talked so much about things to do, say, ways to get help, etc., that although it took a year, he was finally ready to try again.

It may be a little too soon for your son. I definitely encourage you to keep on talking about it. Keep it low key but don't forget about it. You have all summer - take his pulse every so often and when school starts, maybe he'll have learned and thought enough about it to be less fearful - altho' again, as I said, it might be too soon (what's summer break 2 months?) so keep a close watch at school - maybe even see if you can take off time when school starts so you can be readily available, like be a room mother for the first week, something like that. Good luck@! Pro Cleaner

I would definitely promise him that in the future you will immediately remove him from school or any situation where there is bullying. For me, the worst horror was that there was no escape. Let him know you love him, and especially, that you agree that bullying is bad and that you will protect him. He needs to know you are on his side. If he has that, he will be able to weather this situation and grow stronger again.

Research I have read shows that children this young cannot resolve bullying on their own -- adult intervention is needed. Please don't tell him he needs to ''toughen up'' or ''get used to it.''

Confront the parents of the bullies and the teachers. Your child has a right to a nurturing environment to grow up in. Homeschool if necessary. Good luck.

2nd grader's friends ganging up on him

My 2nd grader son has always been a borderline ''highly sensitive child''. He is highly self-critical, gets frustrated easily, almost always howls with pain over the slightest scratch. Increasingly he's been telling me of how his best friend since infancy has been ganging up with other pals in his group against him, name calling and provoking my son until he cries or screams in fury and then laughing at him.

I've witnessed a few incidents, and it is disturbing. It's especially troubling since this behavior is frighteningly similar to my own playground experiences. I therefore know that the only advice my parents ever gave me - ''Just ignore them'' is near impossible. I know adults who have trouble ''just ignoring'' comments from peers, so what chance does a child have? It's a very difficult thing to learn, and it doesn't happen overnight. Their behavior also clearly classifies as bullying.

So, a few questions:

1) Where does one start in getting these kids to recognize their behavior and stop it? I do like the kids, and have good relationsips with the parents, which makes it harder to tell them something troubling about their children.

2) How can I help my son? One has to ''toughen up'' to cope in life in general, but I don't want him to think he's wrong in his feelings of frustration, sadness, disappointment that his best friend would do this to him. What's a realistic ''tool'' he can learn easily to help him cope, to help him learn to ignore hurtful actions?

3) Does a group of friends always have to follow a certain dynamic? Do kids naturally look for the weak one to victimize, belittle, make themselves feel superior? Is this just human nature and the way kids work things out? Is there always the alpha dog looking to stay on top?

Any advice, books, articles, sources greatly appreciated Worried Mom

1. Read the book 'The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. This book is wonderful at addressing complicated issues. Not to mention both sides of the bully coin. (For girl bullying it would be The Odd Girl Out Book.)

2. Make an appointment with the school principal. They should have a school policy that addresses what bullying is and what steps are taken when it happens. There should be a solution for this problem. (They should contact the parents of the children who are bullying once it is observed. That way the parents can help and are made aware of the situation. Their child will have consequences if it continues, from the classroom to the playground.)

We chose not to go directly to the parents as we thought that was best handled through the school. We also set up a lot of play dates for our child with different kids so that he was not isolated by the bully.

Talk to your son about how he feels. What words or behavior he can use when it happens. And to go to an adult. It is never ok to be bullied. (I would keep my past stuff out of it as it may be too much for him and colors the issue. )

Talk to the teacher every day to see how it goes. Tell him/her any of your concerns, feedback from your child. But take it to the top. Make sure the yard duty knows of the situation. Do a drive by to monitor the recess yourself. Report any concerns back to the principal and the teacher. Stay involved and proactive. I would also add that its good not to let your child hear too mcuh about how you feel about it. (Talking to friends on the phone, etc).

We just keep talking about everything including how the kids 'play' Don't accept Bullying

I like these guidelines because it gives the young child concrete things to do, and recognizes that they may need assistance j

I got sucked into doing mean things with a gang of girls when I was in grade school. Fortunately, the victim cried and told me how hurt she was so I could know how she felt and not only stop, but I became something of a hero in my junior high. Standing up against kids who thought that it is cool to hurt people. I actually fought some too!

As a big ole mom, I'm not sure what to do....turns out my son'd friend doesn't tell or cry. Then, when someone steps in, he says it's Ok. He wants everyone to like him...??....he is so sweet. My boy doesn't know why he ''isn't brave'' and has been temped, he said, to join in.

I am going to try going there at recess and stepping in. As someone who did this, I am certain that the ''bullies'' have no idea. I have noticed in life that most humor is at someone's expence. Learning to have fun with out hurting others is a skill we all need to learn. AND it is not easy Hopping Mad

My 6-year-old son likes to play with a bully

I am hoping to get some advice that will help me support my 6 year old son and the problem he is having with a classmate friend who is a bully.

I finally connected the dots with my sons complaints to me about a classmate and was amazed to see such a pattern. My son told me how the boy would pick fights with other kids who wanted to play with him. He told my son he would tell the teacher if he did not play with him ( my son thought he would get in trouble!) And this boy would poke and push my son through the day.

I spoke with his teacher to keep her up on it. The feedback I got was that they knew the other boy was a problem but that they were working on it. Now, in a summer class they have, together, things accelerated where this boy is always grabbing at my son and even poked him in his privates.

I have spoken to his teacher and to the principal. They have since been seperated them in class. (When my son would move away this boy would move back in) The princiapal has advised me to contact the superintendent of the district and make sure they are in seperate classes next year. (Something my son has also requested.)

I have seen the listings for Kidpower, and I am wondering if anyone else has additional suggestions for dvds? Books?

What I find additionally disturbing and confusing is that my son still likes to play with this boy at recess. He says that he is nice then. My son plays with other kids and seems to be well liked. He is very outgoing and funloving. We are having alot of conversations about choices and choosing to play with someone who hurts you, who does not listen to you. I don't want to forbid it because I worry that that will make him want to play with him more. I have suggested he play with other kids at recess. We are in the middle of this struggle so I would love some solid advice anon

Also, continue to talk to your son and make sure he's feeling okay about everything on a daily basis, as I'm sure you are doing. The more he feels protected by you, the better he can protect himself. Anon

First grader has been targeted by bullies

Our child currently goes to Franklin Elementary in Oakland. The bullying there is absolutely terrible. The playgrounds are undersupervised.(Large portions of the campus are completely unsupervised, others have a few children and even fewer adults functioning as ''yard duties'') My first-grader has been targeted both by specific bullies who apparently had a problem with him personally (pushed off of the slide repeatedly, harassed for liking ''girl stuff,'' hit, verbally harassed in general) and by random children (for example, one morning two kids he'd never met before jumped him on his way into the school breakfast and stole his backpack, taking his food out and throwing it around and smashing it).

Since a year's worth of fighting with the principal and the school district has done nothing (they don't have the funding for much supervision and the school has not been responsive) we are looking for a new school. There are good reviews of many Oakland and Berkeley public schools on the website, but I would like to see more, and more recent ones, and particularly ones focusing on bullying.

As I remember from elementary school, the school can have as many clubs and events and resources and innovative teachers as it wants, but if the students are harassing each other the elementary school experience will still be hell. So I would love to hear from parents about how their children's schools deal with conflict. Has your child been bullied? Does the school have a conflict management program for the kids? Does the teacher have a good way to deal with it, or seem to notice at all? What about the administration? Is your school remarkably free of bullying? Does it refuse to tolerate bullying? What do people there to do create a safe environment for the kids, and what specifically does or doesn't make it seem safe to you?

While we are mainly looking at Oakland public schools, I am interested in any public or private school anywhere - even if we can't send our kid there, it's good to know (for example) that there is a school that has been effective in creating a bully-free environment in which all children are respected (the Mills College Children's School comes to mind) or which doesn't care at all (like ours).

I should add that his first-grade teacher at Franklin, Ms. Wong, is a great teacher and has taught the whole class a tremendous amount and really cares about all of the kids and their families - it's the school itself that's the problem in our case. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Aidan

I have heard good things about two programs that might be helpful for you and/or other schools, both private and public: (1) the Kaiser Permanente Educational Theature Program called ''P.E.A.C.E. Signs''. This program is free but you have to sign on for the entire package and students, parents, teachers, and the principal are expected to participate. Several schools in the W. County District have used it with good results. The workshops and classroom curriculum focuses on bullying and self-esteem for elementary kids and coping with peer pressure for middle schoolers. The workshop leaders offer practical suggestions and role play to help kids deal with problems at school. If you would like to know more, contact Alicia at Kaiser, 510-987-2223. (2) KidPower is an excellent program but there is a fee. Children can take workshops on their own, they also offer school assemblies and have a comprehensive violence prevention curriculum. They have a website: http://www.kidpower.org/index.html I hope that's helpful. --Sharon

Unfortunately, the Mills College Children's School is NOT a bully-free environment. In our experience, children with differences are also NOT respected there. The staff had a very negative attitude about our child, as he was shy and not very sociable, tending to play alone. When our child was attacked by another student at the school, the head teacher took a very nonchalant attitude and the director tried to deny it had occurred, even though we witnessed it! So it is possible that your public school is not much different from the Mills school as far as bullying goes.

My suggestion is to look into martial arts, like Aikido for your son. Classes are offered to children as young as 3. Bullies are everywhere, and we encounter them throughout life. I adamantly agree that adults must intervene to stop bullying and teach children that bullying is wrong, but no matter how much you try to protect your children, there will still be bullies. Another parent intolerant of bullying

This topic was my greatest concern when I was researching schools for my son. My child now goes to Paden School in Alameda, where bullies are not tolerated. The school embodies/practices an educational ethic called ''Lifelong Guidelines and Lifeskills'' that is integrated into the curriculum. The lifelong guidelines for the faculty and the children: trustworthiness, truthfulness, active listening, no put downs, and personal best. Defined by lifeskills: caring, common sense, cooperation, courage, curiosity, effort, flexibility, friendship, initiative, organization, patience, perseverance, problem-solving, responsibility, and sense of humor.

These core ideals are reflected in the daily interaction at all levels from the principal, the office and support staff, the teachers, the children, and their parents. So there is a feeling of mutual respect and community throughout the school.

This model should not and must not be unique to the schools in Alameda. Since the reach of this network is broad, I would hope that educators/ administrators have a system to reach each other to support and discuss what works. egl

Kindergarten Bully Targeting My Son

I am seeking advice about how to handle my five year old son being bullied at his private school. Since the first week of school, this bully has hit, kicked, bit, spit at or tried to push my son off of playstructures EVERY SINGLE DAY. I began leaving daily messages for the teacher which led to her and I having a meeting. The outcome was working on getting my son to tell her or another adult when this is happening and verbalizing his hurt to the bully. Yesterday, (six weeks later)I called another meeting, this time with the teacher and other mom. The other mom suggested that her child was being excluded as a cause of his daily physical violence to my son. I do not know whether or not my son and his best friend exclude this bully, but a) even if they do, it is propbably because they don't want to be punched while playing and b) there is no excuse for being hit everyday, period. Today, my child was punched again. Am I expecting to much, or should the school be more agressive in stoping this behavior? Or if not, should I tell my son to punch him back? Any expertise/past experiences or techniques are deeply appreciated. Fed up.

In our case, speaking with the parents did nothing, if only fanned the flames. My mom was a strong advocate of fighting back, even if I got two kicks, at least I got one back. So I did. But, being a little girl (ages 6-10 I think), it didn't do much damage.

However, here is what DID work (now I warn you, this is playing a little ''dirty'', but desparate times...). My mom has a vicious tongue and can really make someone feel small if she wants to. She normally doesn't use this, because honestly words can hurt more than punches. But I remember one time she was telling me her honest thoughts about the boys and I listened carefully as she made these funny, yet cutting remarks. The next time they bullied me (they'd do it to impress their stupid friends), I ripped into them, unleashing the cutting words of a 40 year old. I've never seen such power before. The boys nearly started crying. They weren't smart enough to think of a comeback and with each mean phrase (no cussing, just pointing out insecurities like one was fat, the other short, etc) I felt less like a victim.

I can honestly say that the bulling stopped from then on. Occassionally there was something, but it was minor and I had my ammo to fight back.

Now, as your son is only in KG, this may be too harsh a remedy. I would suggest another approach is to say that you will sue the school if they do not protect your son. You can document the incidents and probably have a good case against the school and the bully's parents. You can probably get an attorney to draft something for you. With the recent 'zero tolerance' of bullying (esp. with school violence) I think you can go that route too.

HTH, stopped being picked on

To be fair, this other child obviously has issues; you don't know what he witnesses at home, and it's sad that he feels he needs to bully others. He's probably lonely and frightened and needs help, not isolation. Unfortunately for him, that is NOT your problem, nor should you and especially your son have to condone his behavior. Also bear in mind that if this problem isn't dealt with, this bully could well grow up and be a larger, more dangerous bully to your son and to others. It needs to stop NOW, and it is the school's responsibility and that boys parents responsibility to do something about it. Your son should not be his punching bag, and it is avoidable! Make the school do their job, or put your son in a different school, and don't put up with this for even one more day. Your child is depending on you. Good luck, I'm outraged on your behalf. heather

This is a time for you to be an active advocate. As a practical matter, can you observe an entire school day, without hovering or intervening, to see what the group dynamics are? (For instance, is the bully part of a group your child wants to play with, or doing the same activity your child wants to do? Is this an issue of unprovoked bullying or an issue of kids not knowing how to resolve disputes?) Can you make an arrangement with an older friend or neighbor child to stick with your child as ''protection''? Can your child stay with a group of his or her own friends for protection? Can your child avoid locations where the bully hangs out? Can your child eat lunch in the classroom or under the eye of a supervising teacher until the bully changes? Is the bully a child with impulse control or special needs who needs closer adult supervision on the play yard? Hitting is two-year-old behavior, but some children have to work harder on controlling their behavior than others. Each situation is different and needs flexible thinking. Best of luck. peg

First, you need to make time to drop by school during recess or outdoor play time. Don't tell your son you're coming and make special arrangements with the teacher. This way, you can watch for yourself how the process begins and ends. If the teacher isn't compliant, then go straight to the principal.

If things go the way you expected, what YOU need to do is to approach the bully and TELL him to stop. Be firm and motherly at the same time. One fair warning is all he needs. Especially since he wasn't expecting you. From that point on, he'll never know if you're waiting in the sidelines. Say something like this: ''Hey, __________, I'm so-and-so's mom, and he tells me that you've been hitting and punching him. Is this true? Because I talked to your mom and she told me that if you hit my son again that she and I will have to have a BIG talk. So, i'm telling you RIGHT NOW, don't EVER hit MY kid again.''

Even though you had a talk already with his mom, it shouldn't matter. It just means that you will actually have to have yet another BIG talk with his mom. Also, just so this isn't completely bias, try to weasle some info out of your son first as to whether or not he's instigating these situations, by himself or with a companion. There could be some things he's not telling you. Like the mean things he says or verbal teasing.

That 'bully' could also be defending himself the only way he knows how. tinygirl_oak

Abusive 2nd grader

After we got home yesterday, my daughter and I did a lot of talking. I asked her to tell me everything which is bothering her at school. She started to cry hysterically. She said it is too gross to tell, then she tried to write instead. This same classmate is giving my daughter information about sex. This includes this girl wants to have sex with an eight year old classmate, and she reports her mother's sex life... My daughter said she made her promise not to tell, and she is afraid now something bad will happen to her. This is an ordeal for me, I am conservative and from East Asia. My husband thinks this is common in this culture. My daughter is the youngest at her grade, she was exposed to this unpleasant experiences when she was only 6. I can't describe my deep pain and I feel very sorry to my daughter. I do not know what to do about this, shall I talk to the teacher on this issue? Shall I talk to her friend's mom (I only met her once on the first day of school last Fall)? Am I over reacting?

This is a serious enough matter that you could tell the teacher you want a joint conference with her and the principal. If you aren't satisfied that they have taken effective steps to protect your daughter, ask them to guarantee that she and this other child will be in different classes next fall. You may have to consider changing schools if you don't feel confident that your daughter's current school is taking this seriously and will protect her.

Taking strong and effective steps to protect your daughter from this abuse will probably reassure her that you will keep her safe, and this experience will become less disturbing to her. However, you might consider counseling for her if, over the summer, she seems anxious or troubled.

I'm sorry this happened to your daughter. Abuse this severe by a schoolmate is not common, although it does happen occasionally. You are doing the right things, and that, in itself, will help your daughter deal with it. Louise

If I were you I would also go to the school principal and discuss how the issue of respect is handled at the school, as well as talk about yard supervision issues. Are there enough teachers out in the yard during recess and lunch? Obviously they can't catch everything, but their presence in larger versus smalller numbers makes it less likely for kids to act out. Also, request that your daughter and the other girl be placed in different classes next year.

I don't know if you or your husband have time to "hang out" or volunteer at the school, or if there's a way to seek out the help of the PTA to organize more volunteers in the school yard and bathrooms. Increased parental presence is helpful and most schools really appreciate it.

How wonderful that your daughter trusted you enough to confide in you. Good luck with all this.

Yes, talk with your daughter's teacher. She must know what is happening. The teacher must talk with this other girl's mother. If the teacher is unresponsive (though I doubt he/she will be), then go to the principal.

Threats from the other girl should not prevent you from ending your daughter's abuse. The school is responsible for ensuring that your daughter is safe and free from fear. If they cannot ensure that, I would look to transfer your child.

My heart goes out to you. This is a pain that no one should have to endure. Linda

First and foremost, however, I urge you to question the teacher's approach. Working with your daughter to "improve her social skills" gives your daughter the message that SHE is at fault. Even if it works --which in my personal experience it does not-- what message does this send her, and what damage will it do long term? I would try instead to find for her and support relationships in which others accept and like her for what she is (we're moving schools and looking for new out-of-school activities to widen her circle of potential friends).

Secondly, please consider approaching the principal of your school about the safety of your daughter and others at her school. It is highly unlikely that your daughter and the harasser are the only ones being impacted. It will also show your daughter that you support her --the most positive moment in our daughter's situation came when we broke a lifetime's conditioning and told her her teacher had made a mistake.

The sexual content of the harassment is a new one for me too, and it has also come up with my daughter. She is the smallest in a class where the largest girls are already starting to develop. I'm very grateful that she had already had a facts-of-life talk with me. But perhaps this is another global issue best discussed with the school principal.

Good luck. And never miss an opportunity to tell your daughter how wonderful she is! Chris

My first impulse would be to remove my child immediately. Although you may find it initially helpful to talk to the teacher and the other parents, this kind of behavior is typically entrenched in an individual school. You will not change their oversight policy and standards overnight and by the time you have any impact at all, it will be too late for your daughter. Also, you will probably find that this will make you very unpopular. Parents don't like to think of their kids as "troublemakers" and will most likely blame you for being a nosy mother.

Find a better school. Pay for it. Drive her there. Meet ahead of time with the teachers. Sit in on a class and observe at recess. This is the least we can do for our children. Good luck to you.

You must speak to the principal of the school immediately and demand that this be stopped. No principal I've seen in the Berkeley schools would tolerate it. The sexual comments could well be construed as sexual harassment which is prohibited by state and federal law as well as BUSD policy. The other behavior is scary and threatening to your child and also intolerable. DO NOT stop with the conversation with the teacher you've already had. Put the administration on notice and insist that positive, tangible action be taken. You will be doing your child and all of her classmates a great favor. Timothy

Now on a calmer note, how upsetting for both you and your daughter. Depending on your cultural beliefs now that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak it would be important for you to have a calm conversation with your child about sex and reassuring her that although it is not for children that things of a sexual nature are not gross. She will likely have many questions and concerns over time. I wish I had a better response regarding playground picking in general or name calling although I do know that the papers had reported that Berkeley School District passed a rule that any bullying had to be dealt with through a series of meetings with the "bully" and parents which included some sensitivity training about how the other person might feel and what the child was hoping to accomplish through the name calling and bullying (sometimes it is as simple as wanting to be noticed or included), but the child needs to be guided into the realization of the reasons for her actions and their effects on others.

Personally prior to this new rule I had such a terrible problem with my children (including my son being propositioned on the plalyground by a girl) that I chose to home school my children. The funny thing is that people always worry that they aren't being socialized. Who needs socialization like that?!!!!

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for noticing something wrong and for asking your child for information in a way that gave her the opportunity to tell you a lot of really tough things. Your own feelings about her experiences make a lot of sense; our child's pain causes us pain. When they tell us difficult things, though, and SEE that it causes us pain, everything gets even more painful because they don't want to hurt us. As the years go by, children who discover that their life experiences are actually traumatic for their parents will actually STOP TELLING adults about problems because they don't want to hurt them. It sounds like you have other supportive adults to share your upset feelings with, and I hope you're able to make time to do that with them so that you are in the best position to help your daughter.

So, of course your child needs validation that this behavior is all unacceptable, and of course she needs you to show that you care -- DEEPLY -- about her well-being. What she really needs, though, is your support in dealing with this situation. She needs your support, your insight, and your coaching. She needs ideas and a safe place to practice those ideas with people she trusts (like her parents, in her home). She needs to feel that you believe in her ability to take charge and that you will back her up if she ever embarasses, inconveniences, or offends ANYONE in her legitimate efforts to protect her safety. "Take charge," by the way, does not mean "stop" or "win." It literally means taking action instead of waiting for someone else to start and finish whatever uncomfortable or hurtful thing they're doing.

Children appreciate knowing that there are some things they CAN'T do, and they appreciate adults recognizing these truths -- which, by the way, are true regardless of our culture or political leanings: 1. There are people in your class/school/neighborhood who do things we don't like. 2. We cannot make those people disappear. 3. "Bullies," for lack of a better word, have problems that make them unhappy, and they feel a little bit less unhappy when they bully. We cannot solve the bully's problems. 4. While we cannot control what other people say or do, we CAN control how we react to them.

Your daughter does not have control over what this other child says. However, she CAN take charge of her reaction to hurtful or upsetting words. We teach children the "garbage can" which is impossible to convey accurately here but is a skill that helps them recognize hurtful words for what they are and how to keep themselves from being hurt by them. You may have some other good ideas to build her skill in that area.

A bully wants someone to react. Sometimes they want someone who will cry; sometimes they want a fight; sometimes they want someone to feel scared of them. If you can get more information from outside sources as to what the bullying child is getting from your daughter (i.e. tears, expressions of shock) then you will be even more prepared to help your daughter take charge of her responses.

Regarding the "made me promise not to tell" part: This is actually quite stressful for children, and much of that stress can be reduced with basic family rules on boundaries. Our third boundary principle is "Nothing that bothers me should ever have to be a secret." In addition, we even teach children that lying can be a great choice there: "I won't tell IF you stop." (By the way, a person at this point in boundary setting has already been pushed REALLY far; boundary setting skills are powerful beginning far before this point). For your daughter, try going back to her and telling her THAT SHE HANDLED A DIFFICULT SITUATION REALLY WELL by promising not to tell, and then telling. That can help build her belief in her ability to take charge of situations that affect her safety or emotional well-being.

Yes, honesty and keeping promises are important. However, our children are safest when they know that their safety is more important than anyone's embarassment, inconvenience, or offense, and that it's OK to lie or break a promise when it's about their safety AS LONG AS they go to an adult as soon as they can and tell/get help.

As I mentioned before, the body of information on this topic is quite large, and I cannot hope to do it justice here. However, I hope these idea fragments will give you a chance to see this difficult situation from a perspective you might not have tried yet. Keep in mind that your daughter will, quite likely, NOT try anything she is TOLD to do; children in a situation where they need to make choices that affect their emotional or physical safety are more likely to do not what they have been told but what they have PRACTICED. Please consider signing her up for an age-appropriate self protection class like the ones we teach at KIDPOWER

Obviously, during all of this, there's the adult/school element: Most importantly is the issue of the other child's sexually explicit language and/or behavior. Any time children are using sexually explicit language or behavior, there's a risk of abuse, either that the individual acting out is being abused or that the individual is abusing other kids. When adults see or hear about this behavior, it's crucial that they inform the appropriate school personnel so that the school or counselors can check it out in further detail. Also at the adult/school level: Is bullying taken seriously? When children report problems, do they see concrete, effective action that addresses their problems? What proactive steps are adults taking to maintain/preserve physical and emotional safety? Your daughter, facing this child daily, cannot wait for this problem to be solved on a systematic level, which is why the individual-level skills are crucial.

You sound like a loving, involved mom. You HAVE the power to help your daughter with this, and you CAN take steps to help your daughter keep herself safe. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Sincerely, Erika Leonard Holmes, East Bay Program Coordinator http://www.kidpower.org

First-grade girls teasing

My son was in a situation where he and his best friend were very close and another child was jealous of the relationship and kept trying to be a part of the group. The other child's mother had talks with the teacher and each of our children trying to force them to play with her son instead of trying to find out why they didn't want to (there were some very legitimate reasons). The teacher also talked with our children and asked them to include this boy. I tell you, the situation went from no so good to really bad. I have always taught my son that I would not choose his friends and suddenly several people were trying to choose his friends for him (in a very different way than I had expected) and both children resented this. The 'excluded' boy saw that 'telling' got his mother and the teacher involved and used it extensively, or at least the threat to tell, to get the children to do what he wanted them to do. This did not win him any friendships and he found himself very quickly isolated in his class. After reproaching my son for "alleged" (and witnessed by me) teasing the boy I found out from his friends that my son had been reapeatedly teased by this boy first. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, be careful of your interference. Much as it hurts to see your child suffer (as this boy I'm talking about genuinely suffered), theirs is rarely the whole story.

I think our children need to grow up understanding and accepting that not everybody will like them and that's ok, and that they will not be invited to every birthday party and that's ok, nothing to feel bad about. Good luck with your daughter.

I would also encourage you to help your daughter make other friends, as this group is mostly able to get under her skin because she cares so much about them and it is obvious that she does. I wasn't clear which girl was doing the most teasing. Would it be any help to talk to the parents of the other girl?

6-year-old daughter being bullied at school

I need help with this asap please! My daughter (6 yrs) and 'gifted'--has been put in a mixed class of 1st and 2nd graders which was fine until a 2nd grader she liked started to bully her and treat her very badly. My daughter is as big/tall competent as 2nd graders and can read at a 3rd grad level. The 2nd grader in question, a girl, doesn't like being with 1st graders and she is making my daughter suffer for it. She has knocked her off the monkey bars in the air, whispered with bigger kids in front of her at recess and said ''i wish i could knock her off. '' (She daren't as I told never to do it again.) However, when I mentioned it to the teacher, she merely said, ''sounds like they need to work on their relationship.'' And that was the end of the discussion. We only found out this weekend how much more has been going on and our daughter did not want to get out of bed on Saturday. She has become extremely agitated and despondent and we are very concerned. The 2nd grader looks away from her whenever she says hello, and she pulls her pencil from her hand everyday. Our daughter is very social but this situation is compomising her confidence and ability to socialize with other new kids she's meeting. While sitting next to this 2nd grader in class, she is being completely ignored and given sullen looks if looked at at all. The 2nd grader talks with the other kids at the table. Our daughter is a gentle an diplomatic soul who has never hurt anyone. How can we handle this professionally? And how can we get this unhappy 2nd grader to change her behaviour? ?This is having a profound effect on our daughter, and she suddenly can't hold up the strong front anymore. Her sibling who has the same name as the 2nd grader is now suffering as a result as her older sister has become so unhappy.

My daughter was singled out for some totally unacceptable treatment (shunning) by the ringleader of her childhood friends in the fourth grade at our former Berkeley public elementary school. The teacher was very skillful at addressing social issues, and spent time working with the kids involved. The ringleader then turned her attention to being rude to the teacher. The principal got involved. Before the semester was over, the superintendent had removed the perpetrator from our school and reassigned her. That seemed to be the only thing that would work. The bully didn't attend school for the rest of the year, and her parents threatened the BUSD with a racial discrimination lawsuit, so the superintendent at that time re-enrolled the bully at our school. Lots of parents got phone calls from the (new) principal about this, but surprisingly, we did not. I learned about this reassignment from a friend the week before school started. I began calling other schools, and found a wonderful independent school where there is a culture of kindness and respect and certainly nothing along the lines of what our daughter experienced would be accepted for a nanosecond. I heard that at the beginning of this year, the old cohort of bully and her friends had started a ''Hate Club'' at their middle school. I feel very sorry for those poor, unfortunate children.

Sometimes you can help to change the kids who are causing damange in our children's lives, and sometimes you can't. If you find you can't, I think the best thing to do is to find an environment where your child *is* treated well, with the respect and appreciation every child deserves. To ignore the abuse sends a message to your child that it doesn't matter how they're being treated, or that it can't be helped. Best of luck to you. This problem does seem to be fairly pervasive, but it's one we should address diligently. Sign me a much happier anonymous mom

Self Esteem Damaged by School Bully

Most importantly--What can parents do to repair his sense of self worth? Since his peers have defined him as the class dweeb, how can I, or his dad help him recover? My heart is breaking to see my son suffer like this.

Just be sure to approach them in a cooperative way, setting aside your (well justified) anger at their kid. I would also express a request that the parents not let the bully child know specifically that they are acting pursuant to a call from you, so as not to give the bully more information than he needs. If this fails (parents unsupportive), to be perfectly honest, I would probably tell the parents something to the effect of: "I always try to resolve problems informally and being a cooperative person myself, I consider litigation an absolute last resort. But I do see your child's behavior as a threat to the well-being of mine and I see it as my duty to my son to protect him. I am sure you also feel the same way about your son. I would hate to have to take legal steps to have your son removed from school or to get all of us involved in costly, wasteful litigation over this matter. Please help me avoid this by working with me in modifying your child's behavior." My heart goes out to you and I wish you good luck.

I think you should MAKE SURE the parents of the bully are told what's going on - and possibly the parents of some of the children who are going along with it. A good friend of mine discovered only after six months (because the teacher never told her) that another child was living in misery because of her son, who was acting as an acolyte to another kid, his only friend. She was devastated that this had been happening and she didn't know. Kids reasons for going along are pretty varied, with size being a big issue. Of course, I found it hard to talk to the parents of my daughter's bullies precisely because they were friends that I knew well, it was hard to bring into a friendly conversation "...and your child has been making my child's life a misery"...in the end it was sorted out by a teacher and a change of school principal, and I had also worked with my daughter on defense tactics that have helped her become a confident twelve year old.

I didn't have her change school or class because I liked the school in other ways, and thought we would get through it (which was a slow method). It's an option worth considering for your child, though. In retrospect I might have done some sort of move, but things went up and down over the months and at key moments I thought things were improving. I also didn't move her because I'd had some bullying experience, and found moving to a new school didn't help me get over it, really, even though the new school was better. I actually think my daughter is stronger from having got through the situation completely and on the last day at that school (three years after the bullying had stopped) one of the girls involved fell on her neck, sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry for all the times I was mean to you" which I think was an important experience for both of them.

Part of the process, for me, was getting together with some other parents, teachers, and the new school principal, to set up a better process for dealing with bullying at the school - it will always exist (very bad sign if teachers claim it doesn't) but it can be controlled and kids (both bullies and bullied) can learn other ways of behaving. There are lots of books on the subject, but I found some of the most useful material for prevention programs was in emotional education sources - teaching kids to recognize one another's emotions, being aware of the consequences of what they do, being able to resist peer pressure etc. Basically, any school that doesn't have an effective control and a prevention program will have uncontrolled bullying, and a proportion of the kids there will be suffering the same misery your son has been. So it's something that all parents should be promoting, not just the relations of known victims.

Incidentally, one of the most troublesome kids in my younger child's class was an angelic looking child. I always had difficulty believing such a sweet-looking kid could do the things I knew he did do. It seems like we all have stereotypes for things, including bullies.

As a counselor I often see the long-term damage of teasing and bullying in adults in adults with severely compromised self esteem. So, I suggest that your son get some help,even if the bullying is brought to an end.

The techniques that I use to undo the damage of bullying and teasing are Hypnotherapy, EFT and Experiential Art. EFT is a method of tapping on acupoints while the child and/or parent tunes into the problem. This rebalances the energy system and the negative emotions fall away. Kids like to tap on their "body buttons," and it's not necessary for them to do a lot of talking about the problem.

Meanwhile, on your own, you might encourage your son to draw pictures of the bullying experiences. You can also ask him to draw pictures about what else he is afraid of, and about how he would like the situation to be.

Don't evaluate or interpret the drawings... just ask him to tell you all about them. This will give you more information, and give him a way of working on his stuff. You can also encourage him to keep a doodle diary that is his alone.

Hope some of this helps. Sincerely, joan

My advice is: it is very hard to get help from teachers, at least in larger schools. Certainly you should speak with the teachers and principal but don't expect the school to be able to solve the problem. Kids know how to bully without teachers seeing them. One positive thing you can do is to generate some good PR for your kid - by that I mean making the other kids think that your son is one cool kid. Does he have at least a passing knowledge of whatever fads the kids his age are in to? If not, do some investigating and get him up to speed. Can you get him some new cool thing that he can brag about or show off? I realize this is not the lesson we are supposed to give to our kids, but self-esteem is very important, and parents can do public relations for their kids that will improve their social standing. Kids are very fickle and not too perceptive and will suddenly start liking another kid just on the basis of one or two cool toys (or later, a pair of shoes or a video game). If your son is still young enough for you to create play dates for him without too much protest, you might try inviting the culprits over for some irresistable event - a trip to an arcade or Great America or something major like that. You will be there to make sure everyone has a good time. If this isn't an option, make sure your son has his own friends to hang with, setting up playdates yourself if necessary. If the situation continues to worsen despite your best efforts I hate to say it but I think you should change schools. Once a kid gets labeled, it's very hard to shake it off and it could stick to the kid for years to come, especially if he is in a small school.

Good luck Ginger

In your place I'd be encouraging him to stand up for himself (clearly we differ here on what is an appropriate response) and seeking an outside source for building his body image, self-respect and social skills. How? I very strongly recommend a program of martial arts training such as Kuk Sool Won -- in my experience kids who get hassled seem to send some secret signal to those around them that triggers the unfair negative attention. A good program of martial arts (or alternatively a good program in a team sport) might teach your son skills to deflect negative attention, while developing excellent physical skills and an understanding of where he is and how he interacts with others. Its also a whole lot of fun and gives a great sense of pride and accomplishment. I suggest the KSW on Sacramento because so much of their program is directed at kids. They are good at what they do.

Let me encourage you to stop seeing your child as a "victim" in this. For whatever reason, he, and you, have entered into a relationship with his tormentors, and you will have to break the pattern and make a new healthier one. I know its frustrating and discouraging -- but the fact is this could be the start of a new, more positive time for your son. Good luck.

Contacting the other boy's parents may work if you know them and think they will have a constructive response; otherwise let the school deal with it. Don't talk to the boy yourself unless you are invited to do so by the school and/or his parents.

Counseling your son on how to respond is good, as long as you let him know that you don't expect him to solve this by himself. This sounds like a situation that is more than any kid can handle alone. Tell him what you are doing to help and that he deserves to be safe and respected at school. Listen to what he has to say, and only take him out of the school if he agrees to it.

My son had several incidents of being bullied two years ago. The child who was bullying was punished at the school and the parents when we tried to discuss it with them (we had been friendly previously) ended up telling us that it was our child's fault that their son had been bullying. I don't think they would have said this if they had been thinking, and certainly didn't say it to the principal, the teacher and the school psychologist when they met with them.

This being said, I took a 3-prong approach. I worked with my son directly, I worked through the school, but I also sought professional help -- an outside therapist who specialized in child psychology and social adjustment issues. It sometimes irked me that, as I saw it, my son went to a therapist because the bullied (who obviously needed counseling) didn't, but I'm glad I did. After a full academic year of crap, I got to see my son engaged in new relationships over the summer. In meeting new kids at camp, he was open, warm, and even stood up to his best friend who was bullying a new friend (as he said, "I know what it's like to have someone pick on you and not have anyone stand up for you"). I did not directly see the benefits of counseling during the school year, but for my child to remain so open to making new friends after the school experience he had was proof positive that therapy was worth it and his self-esteem was rising.

10-year-old bullies: Fight or Flight?

I told my 10 year old daughter that violence begets violence and if she is ever approached to fight or threatened in any way by her peers (or anyone for that matter), she should just walk away. Well, that was all fine and dandy until two Thursdays ago when a group of 4 bullies (all girls) followed my daughter and her two classmates (one is also her busmate)- let's call them A & B- from the school yard after school. As the main bully began pushing and shoving A, the girls just walked faster trying to "walk away". Well, this wasn't good enough for the bullies. Because they wanted a fight, they insisted on pulling A's hair and getting her on the ground and beating her. My daughter said she doesn't know what made the bully stop beating up her friend, but she did anyhow. The bullies left, feeling victorious, while my daughter and A & B ran crying to B's house. She lives only TWO blocks away from the school. My daughter and B were also crying because they had never seen or been involved in something like this before. So, here's the question from my daughter: We tried to walk away, but the girls wouldn't let us. So what do I do now Mommy? What should I do if this happens again? Does anyone have any answers, suggestions??? Veronica

Assuming that your daughter and her friends know who the bullies are, what their names are, or at least what class(es) they are in, at this point I'd join with A & B's parents and lodge some very strong words with the teacher(s), counselor(s), and/or principal of the school re: what happened. The intent would be to get in contact with the offending children's parents and inform them of what their children have done. If this happens again, or in the event that things escalate greatly (involving police, lawyers, courts, doctors, etc.) at least you've set a positive pattern of trying to resolve the problem by contacting the other parents. Hate to say it but it might also be useful to investigate whether your daughter, "A", and/or "B" did anything to instigate retribution by others. I'm not syaing this is the case, then again all parents have seen or caught their children doing something the parent wouldn't have expected. Jonathan

anonymous