Kindergarteners teasing my one-year-old

Yesterday I was in the checkout line at the grocery store with my one year old and two boys about age five started teasing him because he was in a diaper without pants over the diaper. I'm sure my son didn't know exactly what was going on but he seemed a little perplexed by their jabbings (they were pointing at him and saying: ''look, he's naked and then they would laugh''). Their mother seemed oblivious to their antics and I was in the middle of checking out so I let it go. However, I felt myself becoming really angry at their behavior and I wondered how I would handle such a thing if it happened in a year or two or three when my son is old enough to be hurt by their words. I may be overly sensitive but I HATE teasing and I was a school administrator in a school where we had a no teasing, or meaness policy. Any advice? My thought in retrospect would have been to say to the boys in the moment to stop teasing my son as I don't tolerate teasing of any kind in my family. beth

Also, I would have no problem with someone else addressing my kids the same way if they were the ones causing the problem. But if you do run into a parent who objects, stand your ground. You have an obligation to protect your child, and as long as you are polite and reasonable, you are totally in the right. Sara

I would have laughed and said to my son (if he had noticed) look at those silly boys, they must not remember when they wore diapers, then I would have smiled at the boys.

Children take their cues from us. When my son didn't know how to handle something, he'd look at me. For teasing and general sillyness I'd just roll my eyes and smile, then he'd roll his eyes and smile. learned the hard way

Other parents letting their kids bully my 2-year-old

Whenever I take my 2 year old son to the toy store or the playgound, other rude children will come up and snatch toys from him or try to bully him. My son has a calm and gentle temperament and doesn't seem to mind, but I often have to remove my son after awhile because some of these kids would just keep following him. I don't feel that it is fair for my son to give up his toys or space when the parents of these rude kids just sit there and watch their kids getting their way. What is the best way to handle this, should I speak nicely to the rude child or to the parent? Fed Up

Make him practice, not only while in public, but by roleplaying with you at home. I know he's only 2yo, so keep it simple for now and keep working on it with him over time. Good luck.

First, I would say that that your child should not have to be the target of bullying kids of parents that allow aggressive behavior. What I would do is say something like, ''Excuse me, my son was playing with that, so please don't take it.'' If you need to, gently remove the toy and say, ''Let's give it back to Ben, since he was already playing with it.'' I do believe it takes a village, and if you are doing it nicely (not an angry mama bear) both children will get something out of your intervention.

However, the other thing I would say (or ask) is, Are you being overly sensitive? You may feel that because your son is calm and gentle, he is a victim waiting to happen, and so are looking for every possible infraction on the part of other children. I would say that you also don't want to set yourself up for being your child's hovering saviour. Something to be in tune with is finding a way for kids to get along on their own, yet guiding them through it.

One thing I did want to call out is it also might be an appropriate way for your son to learn how to share. I was once in the sandbox at the Montclair playground and was floored when a grandma was standing guard over a cache of sand toys that she had brought for her child. Obviously, other children saw them all and wanted to play too, and she kept saying, ''Give that back, that belongs to Emma.'' I thought it was a pretty poor choice to bring those toys and not use it as an opportunity to teach her child to share. It would have been easy enough to say, '' Emma is playing with that now, if you want to wait a few minutes, you can have a turn.'' Everyone wins. Maybe this is something you could try.

I would not say anything to the other parent (people tend to get sensitive and turn defensive) unless the bully child is really hassling yours. Then, maybe I would say, ''It looks like your son is being a bit aggressive with mine. Could you help make sure he doesn't keep grabbing from my son? Thanks SO MUCH!'' If you do not act like the child is a problem, just acting in an inappropriate way, then your sincere words should go a long way. Elizabeth

Along those lines, I don't think that two year old are capable of being rude, I think they're being two. Toy snatching is a pretty common activity at that age. I don't know that bullying is really what is happening either, as that implies some intent to be mean and hurtful. Most preschool age kids take what they want, end of story, until redirected by an adult. Now if these other kids are much older, there's a whole different problem, but I assume you're talking about kids of similar ages to yours. Mom of grabby three year old

Just after his second birthday, all that started to change. He started objecting if other kids tried to grab something from him, and would sometimes push or hit them to keep them from doing so. That's bad enough, but he also became a toy-snatcher himself, and would shove or hit if the other child resisted. This behavior seemed to peak around 2.6, and is still an issue at 3.4 -- even though I *do* correct it.

And I'd like you to know that, at least for me, it has been way way WAY more difficult to deal with being the parent of the aggressor than being the parent of the child being aggressed upon. Not that it's easy to see other children mistreating your child, but at least you get to rejoice in what a wonderful, well-behaved child you have (while perhaps feeling a bit superior to the parents of the ill-mannered hooligans, who clearly are just not properly parenting their child!). It's far worse when you find your own child's behavior mortifying, but have been having difficulty stopping it. We continue to work on it, and I do think there's been some improvement lately, but let me tell you, it is absolutely exhausting mediating all the squabbles my son gets into. And I'll confess that, especially when he first started snatching things from other kids, I would sometimes look the other way if the other kid wasn't upset -- not so much out of indifference as from sheer exhaustion! I eventually decided that I have to correct the behavior all the time, even if the other child doesn't object, because otherwise I'm sending my son a mixed message, but let's just say I'm now much more sympathetic to other parents who don't always correct their child for this behavior.

So, I guess the main point of this post is to let you know what it's like to be on the other side of this problem -- I'm hoping this will help you to be less judgemental and more compassionate towards the other parents in this situation. For all you know, you may be in their shoes 6 months or a year from now -- and even if you're not, I think it's always a good idea to try to understand the other person's point of view. Diane

The parents who let their kids ''bully'' your kid - if taking a toy away could really be called bullying - may just be more laid back parents than you, or possibly the kids could be at the park with thier nannies. Whatever the case, there are some of us, apparently few, who think kids need to develop their own negotiating skills. Kids of a certain age get toys taken away - mine did. Then they get older and they are the toy grabbers - mine did that too. The grabees don't seem to mind.

I think it's the parents who mind, and if that's not projecting, I don't know what is. Toddler play is not like adult interaction, where we'd be upset if we were reading Vogue and some other woman came up and grabbed it from us. Toddlers sort of grab and give up toys in a circular fashion, and that's just normal. As I read all these comments about how dang UPSET some moms get when their kids have toys taken away, and how they feel they need to jump to thier child's rescue, I wonder if these moms are going to attend elementary school with their kids to fight their battles for them. And I wonder if it would even BE a battle if the moms didn't make it one.

There's this competitive motherhood thing around here that I don't even get, so maybe I'm way off base. But I thought it might be helpful to hear from someone outside the choir. why I dread going to the park

I am not judging your parenting. I am worried about my own. What do I do when your kid bites mine, or pushes him or grabs a toy and he bursts into tears? How many times do I say about your child, when mine looks at me, hurt and bewildered, ''he/she didn't mean it'' or ''he/she is having a rough day?'' And what do I do when my child becomes more introverted because he is always picked on?

I understand it is difficult to raise a ''spirited'' child. But as a parent of a child who is gentle and shy, I have put up with all kinds of comments about him ''not being socialized'' or ''still stuck on mommy'' or even ''slow to develop.'' Can you imagine how this made me feel about my own parenting skills? I understand you are embarrassed and exhausted by your child's behavior, but your defensive attitudes drive a wedge between us at a time when we need each other the most.

Secondly, for us, the solution was to stay away from the park and find a small preschool with children of similar tempermants. My son is now thriving and no longer shrinking once I limited his exposure to more aggressive children and their defensive parents. happy at last

Some situations, like when kids are pretty evenly matched, may indicate it's appropriate to let them work it out. Sometimes, especially when the kids were younger, I helped them find the right words/solution. But when one kid is always at the short end -- emotionally or physically -- I don't agree that they should work it out alone.

In fairness, how can I stop him, if he doesn't see me stop it directed at him? Teasing and exclusion are pretty normal developmentally. I've even heard people excuse exclusion of other children (''it's hard for children to expand the group in the midst of play''). How can we accept behavior that makes a child feel so bad? Why do we accept hurtful behavior so long as it's not physical?

This is less about shielding a child from even being exposed to such behavior as letting him know that it's not ok, even if it happens. anon

What does your school do about bullying?

Our child currently goes to Franklin Elementary in Oakland. The bullying there is absolutely terrible. The playgrounds are undersupervised.(Large portions of the campus are completely unsupervised, others have a few children and even fewer adults functioning as ''yard duties'') My first-grader has been targeted both by specific bullies who apparently had a problem with him personally (pushed off of the slide repeatedly, harassed for liking ''girl stuff,'' hit, verbally harassed in general) and by random children (for example, one morning two kids he'd never met before jumped him on his way into the school breakfast and stole his backpack, taking his food out and throwing it around and smashing it).

Since a year's worth of fighting with the principal and the school district has done nothing (they don't have the funding for much supervision and the school has not been responsive) we are looking for a new school. There are good reviews of many Oakland and Berkeley public schools on the website, but I would like to see more, and more recent ones, and particularly ones focusing on bullying.

As I remember from elementary school, the school can have as many clubs and events and resources and innovative teachers as it wants, but if the students are harassing each other the elementary school experience will still be hell. So I would love to hear from parents about how their children's schools deal with conflict. Has your child been bullied? Does the school have a conflict management program for the kids? Does the teacher have a good way to deal with it, or seem to notice at all? What about the administration? Is your school remarkably free of bullying? Does it refuse to tolerate bullying? What do people there to do create a safe environment for the kids, and what specifically does or doesn't make it seem safe to you?

While we are mainly looking at Oakland public schools, I am interested in any public or private school anywhere - even if we can't send our kid there, it's good to know (for example) that there is a school that has been effective in creating a bully-free environment in which all children are respected (the Mills College Children's School comes to mind) or which doesn't care at all (like ours).

I should add that his first-grade teacher at Franklin, Ms. Wong, is a great teacher and has taught the whole class a tremendous amount and really cares about all of the kids and their families - it's the school itself that's the problem in our case. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Aidan

I have heard good things about two programs that might be helpful for you and/or other schools, both private and public: (1) the Kaiser Permanente Educational Theature Program called ''P.E.A.C.E. Signs''. This program is free but you have to sign on for the entire package and students, parents, teachers, and the principal are expected to participate. Several schools in the W. County District have used it with good results. The workshops and classroom curriculum focuses on bullying and self-esteem for elementary kids and coping with peer pressure for middle schoolers. The workshop leaders offer practical suggestions and role play to help kids deal with problems at school. If you would like to know more, contact Alicia at Kaiser, 510-987-2223. (2) KidPower is an excellent program but there is a fee. Children can take workshops on their own, they also offer school assemblies and have a comprehensive violence prevention curriculum. They have a website: http://www.kidpower.org/index.html I hope that's helpful. --Sharon

Unfortunately, the Mills College Children's School is NOT a bully-free environment. In our experience, children with differences are also NOT respected there. The staff had a very negative attitude about our child, as he was shy and not very sociable, tending to play alone. When our child was attacked by another student at the school, the head teacher took a very nonchalant attitude and the director tried to deny it had occurred, even though we witnessed it! So it is possible that your public school is not much different from the Mills school as far as bullying goes.

My suggestion is to look into martial arts, like Aikido for your son. Classes are offered to children as young as 3. Bullies are everywhere, and we encounter them throughout life. I adamantly agree that adults must intervene to stop bullying and teach children that bullying is wrong, but no matter how much you try to protect your children, there will still be bullies. Another parent intolerant of bullying

This topic was my greatest concern when I was researching schools for my son. My child now goes to Paden School in Alameda, where bullies are not tolerated. The school embodies/practices an educational ethic called ''Lifelong Guidelines and Lifeskills'' that is integrated into the curriculum. The lifelong guidelines for the faculty and the children: trustworthiness, truthfulness, active listening, no put downs, and personal best. Defined by lifeskills: caring, common sense, cooperation, courage, curiosity, effort, flexibility, friendship, initiative, organization, patience, perseverance, problem-solving, responsibility, and sense of humor.

These core ideals are reflected in the daily interaction at all levels from the principal, the office and support staff, the teachers, the children, and their parents. So there is a feeling of mutual respect and community throughout the school.

This model should not and must not be unique to the schools in Alameda. Since the reach of this network is broad, I would hope that educators/ administrators have a system to reach each other to support and discuss what works. egl

My reaction to this situation thus far has been to avoid him. We mostly play at parks, and we joined the YMCA about a year ago so we can do physical stuff in the evenings without involving my daughter playing outside. (We live in an apartment, so we can't just retreat to playing in the backyard.) This is a big improvement, but she still likes to play outside and some days I am completely at my wits end. He will scream at her and she will start balling. (This happens 99% of the time they are both outside ) I've progressed from saying "Don't worry about him." to "He's just a big meany." to "Don't worry honey you are much smarter and nicer than he is." I guess I am looking for advice about the following 1. What semi-constructive things could I say to him, the bully, to maybe make the situation better or head it off? Are there books that deal with this subject -for children or adults? and 2. What should I say to my daughter? He makes her feel bad about herself, what can I say to make her feel better? I don't think dealing with the parents will help much based on my experience, and really the problem in my opinion is not so much the childs behavior, which they can do something about, but his personality.

There's a book THE BICYCLE MAN that tells a similar story. It might pave the way for your child to having that play-date. Good luck!

Dreikurs does have one other "slogan" which might suggest something you could do "Take the sails out of their wind." This means if a child is misbehaving to you, remove yourself. Then they don't have anyone to focus their misbehavior on. In your concrete situation, this means take your daughter home if the bully starts misbehaving.

By the way, I'm not sure that it is helpful to the situation to try to make your daughter feel better by comparing him to her. My best wishes to all of you. Fran

Kindergarten Bully Targeting My Son

I am seeking advice about how to handle my five year old son being bullied at his private school. Since the first week of school, this bully has hit, kicked, bit, spit at or tried to push my son off of playstructures EVERY SINGLE DAY. I began leaving daily messages for the teacher which led to her and I having a meeting. The outcome was working on getting my son to tell her or another adult when this is happening and verbalizing his hurt to the bully. Yesterday, (six weeks later)I called another meeting, this time with the teacher and other mom. The other mom suggested that her child was being excluded as a cause of his daily physical violence to my son. I do not know whether or not my son and his best friend exclude this bully, but a) even if they do, it is propbably because they don't want to be punched while playing and b) there is no excuse for being hit everyday, period. Today, my child was punched again. Am I expecting to much, or should the school be more agressive in stoping this behavior? Or if not, should I tell my son to punch him back? Any expertise/past experiences or techniques are deeply appreciated. Fed up.

In our case, speaking with the parents did nothing, if only fanned the flames. My mom was a strong advocate of fighting back, even if I got two kicks, at least I got one back. So I did. But, being a little girl (ages 6-10 I think), it didn't do much damage.

However, here is what DID work (now I warn you, this is playing a little ''dirty'', but desparate times...). My mom has a vicious tongue and can really make someone feel small if she wants to. She normally doesn't use this, because honestly words can hurt more than punches. But I remember one time she was telling me her honest thoughts about the boys and I listened carefully as she made these funny, yet cutting remarks. The next time they bullied me (they'd do it to impress their stupid friends), I ripped into them, unleashing the cutting words of a 40 year old. I've never seen such power before. The boys nearly started crying. They weren't smart enough to think of a comeback and with each mean phrase (no cussing, just pointing out insecurities like one was fat, the other short, etc) I felt less like a victim.

I can honestly say that the bulling stopped from then on. Occassionally there was something, but it was minor and I had my ammo to fight back.

Now, as your son is only in KG, this may be too harsh a remedy. I would suggest another approach is to say that you will sue the school if they do not protect your son. You can document the incidents and probably have a good case against the school and the bully's parents. You can probably get an attorney to draft something for you. With the recent 'zero tolerance' of bullying (esp. with school violence) I think you can go that route too.

HTH, stopped being picked on

To be fair, this other child obviously has issues; you don't know what he witnesses at home, and it's sad that he feels he needs to bully others. He's probably lonely and frightened and needs help, not isolation. Unfortunately for him, that is NOT your problem, nor should you and especially your son have to condone his behavior. Also bear in mind that if this problem isn't dealt with, this bully could well grow up and be a larger, more dangerous bully to your son and to others. It needs to stop NOW, and it is the school's responsibility and that boys parents responsibility to do something about it. Your son should not be his punching bag, and it is avoidable! Make the school do their job, or put your son in a different school, and don't put up with this for even one more day. Your child is depending on you. Good luck, I'm outraged on your behalf. heather

This is a time for you to be an active advocate. As a practical matter, can you observe an entire school day, without hovering or intervening, to see what the group dynamics are? (For instance, is the bully part of a group your child wants to play with, or doing the same activity your child wants to do? Is this an issue of unprovoked bullying or an issue of kids not knowing how to resolve disputes?) Can you make an arrangement with an older friend or neighbor child to stick with your child as ''protection''? Can your child stay with a group of his or her own friends for protection? Can your child avoid locations where the bully hangs out? Can your child eat lunch in the classroom or under the eye of a supervising teacher until the bully changes? Is the bully a child with impulse control or special needs who needs closer adult supervision on the play yard? Hitting is two-year-old behavior, but some children have to work harder on controlling their behavior than others. Each situation is different and needs flexible thinking. Best of luck. peg

First, you need to make time to drop by school during recess or outdoor play time. Don't tell your son you're coming and make special arrangements with the teacher. This way, you can watch for yourself how the process begins and ends. If the teacher isn't compliant, then go straight to the principal.

If things go the way you expected, what YOU need to do is to approach the bully and TELL him to stop. Be firm and motherly at the same time. One fair warning is all he needs. Especially since he wasn't expecting you. From that point on, he'll never know if you're waiting in the sidelines. Say something like this: ''Hey, __________, I'm so-and-so's mom, and he tells me that you've been hitting and punching him. Is this true? Because I talked to your mom and she told me that if you hit my son again that she and I will have to have a BIG talk. So, i'm telling you RIGHT NOW, don't EVER hit MY kid again.''

Even though you had a talk already with his mom, it shouldn't matter. It just means that you will actually have to have yet another BIG talk with his mom. Also, just so this isn't completely bias, try to weasle some info out of your son first as to whether or not he's instigating these situations, by himself or with a companion. There could be some things he's not telling you. Like the mean things he says or verbal teasing.

That 'bully' could also be defending himself the only way he knows how. tinygirl_oak

After we got home yesterday, my daughter and I did a lot of talking. I asked her to tell me everything which is bothering her at school. She started to cry hysterically. She said it is too gross to tell, then she tried to write instead. This same classmate is giving my daughter information about sex. This includes this girl wants to have sex with an eight year old classmate, and she reports her mother's sex life... My daughter said she made her promise not to tell, and she is afraid now something bad will happen to her. This is an ordeal for me, I am conservative and from East Asia. My husband thinks this is commom in this culture. My daughter is the youngest at her grade, she was exposed to this unpleasant experiences when she was only 6. I can't describe my deep pain and I feel very sorry to my daughter. I do not know what to do about this, shall I talk to the teacher on this issue? Shall I talk to her friend's mom (I only met her once on the first day of school last Fall)? Am I over reacting?

This is a serious enough matter that you could tell the teacher you want a joint conference with her and the principal. If you aren't satisfied that they have taken effective steps to protect your daughter, ask them to guarantee that she and this other child will be in different classes next fall. You may have to consider changing schools if you don't feel confident that your daughter's current school is taking this seriously and will protect her.

Taking strong and effective steps to protect your daughter from this abuse will probably reassure her that you will keep her safe, and this experience will become less disturbing to her. However, you might consider counseling for her if, over the summer, she seems anxious or troubled.

I'm sorry this happened to your daughter. Abuse this severe by a schoolmate is not common, although it does happen occasionally. You are doing the right things, and that, in itself, will help your daughter deal with it. Louise

If I were you I would also go to the school principal and discuss how the issue of respect is handled at the school, as well as talk about yard supervision issues. Are there enough teachers out in the yard during recess and lunch? Obviously they can't catch everything, but their presence in larger versus smalller numbers makes it less likely for kids to act out. Also, request that your daughter and the other girl be placed in different classes next year.

I don't know if you or your husband have time to "hang out" or volunteer at the school, or if there's a way to seek out the help of the PTA to organize more volunteers in the school yard and bathrooms. Increased parental presence is helpful and most schools really appreciate it.

How wonderful that your daughter trusted you enough to confide in you. Good luck with all this.

Yes, talk with your daughter's teacher. She must know what is happening. The teacher must talk with this other girl's mother. If the teacher is unresponsive (though I doubt he/she will be), then go to the principal.

Threats from the other girl should not prevent you from ending your daughter's abuse. The school is responsible for ensuring that your daughter is safe and free from fear. If they cannot ensure that, I would look to transfer your child.

My heart goes out to you. This is a pain that no one should have to endure. Linda

First and foremost, however, I urge you to question the teacher's approach. Working with your daughter to "improve her social skills" gives your daughter the message that SHE is at fault. Even if it works --which in my personal experience it does not-- what message does this send her, and what damage will it do long term? I would try instead to find for her and support relationships in which others accept and like her for what she is (we're moving schools and looking for new out-of-school activities to widen her circle of potential friends).

Secondly, please consider approaching the principal of your school about the safety of your daughter and others at her school. It is highly unlikely that your daughter and the harasser are the only ones being impacted. It will also show your daughter that you support her --the most positive moment in our daughter's situation came when we broke a lifetime's conditioning and told her her teacher had made a mistake.

The sexual content of the harassment is a new one for me too, and it has also come up with my daughter. She is the smallest in a class where the largest girls are already starting to develop. I'm very grateful that she had already had a facts-of-life talk with me. But perhaps this is another global issue best discussed with the school principal.

Good luck. And never miss an opportunity to tell your daughter how wonderful she is! Chris

My first impulse would be to remove my child immediately. Although you may find it initially helpful to talk to the teacher and the other parents, this kind of behavior is typically entrenched in an individual school. You will not change their oversight policy and standards overnight and by the time you have any impact at all, it will be too late for your daughter. Also, you will probably find that this will make you very unpopular. Parents don't like to think of their kids as "troublemakers" and will most likely blame you for being a nosy mother.

Find a better school. Pay for it. Drive her there. Meet ahead of time with the teachers. Sit in on a class and observe at recess. This is the least we can do for our children. Good luck to you.

You must speak to the principal of the school immediately and demand that this be stopped. No principal I've seen in the Berkeley schools would tolerate it. The sexual comments could well be construed as sexual harassment which is prohibited by state and federal law as well as BUSD policy. The other behavior is scary and threatening to your child and also intolerable. DO NOT stop with the conversation with the teacher you've already had. Put the administration on notice and insist that positive, tangible action be taken. You will be doing your child and all of her classmates a great favor. Timothy

Now on a calmer note, how upsetting for both you and your daughter. Depending on your cultural beliefs now that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak it would be important for you to have a calm conversation with your child about sex and reassuring her that although it is not for children that things of a sexual nature are not gross. She will likely have many questions and concerns over time. I wish I had a better response regarding playground picking in general or name calling although I do know that the papers had reported that Berkeley School District passed a rule that any bullying had to be dealt with through a series of meetings with the "bully" and parents which included some sensitivity training about how the other person might feel and what the child was hoping to accomplish through the name calling and bullying (sometimes it is as simple as wanting to be noticed or included), but the child needs to be guided into the realization of the reasons for her actions and their effects on others.

Personally prior to this new rule I had such a terrible problem with my children (including my son being propositioned on the plalyground by a girl) that I chose to home school my children. The funny thing is that people always worry that they aren't being socialized. Who needs socialization like that?!!!!

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for noticing something wrong and for asking your child for information in a way that gave her the opportunity to tell you a lot of really tough things. Your own feelings about her experiences make a lot of sense; our child's pain causes us pain. When they tell us difficult things, though, and SEE that it causes us pain, everything gets even more painful because they don't want to hurt us. As the years go by, children who discover that their life experiences are actually traumatic for their parents will actually STOP TELLING adults about problems because they don't want to hurt them. It sounds like you have other supportive adults to share your upset feelings with, and I hope you're able to make time to do that with them so that you are in the best position to help your daughter.

So, of course your child needs validation that this behavior is all unacceptable, and of course she needs you to show that you care -- DEEPLY -- about her well-being. What she really needs, though, is your support in dealing with this situation. She needs your support, your insight, and your coaching. She needs ideas and a safe place to practice those ideas with people she trusts (like her parents, in her home). She needs to feel that you believe in her ability to take charge and that you will back her up if she ever embarasses, inconveniences, or offends ANYONE in her legitimate efforts to protect her safety. "Take charge," by the way, does not mean "stop" or "win." It literally means taking action instead of waiting for someone else to start and finish whatever uncomfortable or hurtful thing they're doing.

Children appreciate knowing that there are some things they CAN'T do, and they appreciate adults recognizing these truths -- which, by the way, are true regardless of our culture or political leanings: 1. There are people in your class/school/neighborhood who do things we don't like. 2. We cannot make those people disappear. 3. "Bullies," for lack of a better word, have problems that make them unhappy, and they feel a little bit less unhappy when they bully. We cannot solve the bully's problems. 4. While we cannot control what other people say or do, we CAN control how we react to them.

Your daughter does not have control over what this other child says. However, she CAN take charge of her reaction to hurtful or upsetting words. We teach children the "garbage can" which is impossible to convey accurately here but is a skill that helps them recognize hurtful words for what they are and how to keep themselves from being hurt by them. You may have some other good ideas to build her skill in that area.

A bully wants someone to react. Sometimes they want someone who will cry; sometimes they want a fight; sometimes they want someone to feel scared of them. If you can get more information from outside sources as to what the bullying child is getting from your daughter (i.e. tears, expressions of shock) then you will be even more prepared to help your daughter take charge of her responses.

Regarding the "made me promise not to tell" part: This is actually quite stressful for children, and much of that stress can be reduced with basic family rules on boundaries. Our third boundary principle is "Nothing that bothers me should ever have to be a secret." In addition, we even teach children that lying can be a great choice there: "I won't tell IF you stop." (By the way, a person at this point in boundary setting has already been pushed REALLY far; boundary setting skills are powerful beginning far before this point). For your daughter, try going back to her and telling her THAT SHE HANDLED A DIFFICULT SITUATION REALLY WELL by promising not to tell, and then telling. That can help build her belief in her ability to take charge of situations that affect her safety or emotional well-being.

Yes, honesty and keeping promises are important. However, our children are safest when they know that their safety is more important than anyone's embarassment, inconvenience, or offense, and that it's OK to lie or break a promise when it's about their safety AS LONG AS they go to an adult as soon as they can and tell/get help.

As I mentioned before, the body of information on this topic is quite large, and I cannot hope to do it justice here. However, I hope these idea fragments will give you a chance to see this difficult situation from a perspective you might not have tried yet. Keep in mind that your daughter will, quite likely, NOT try anything she is TOLD to do; children in a situation where they need to make choices that affect their emotional or physical safety are more likely to do not what they have been told but what they have PRACTICED. Please consider signing her up for an age-appropriate self protection class like the ones we teach at KIDPOWER

Obviously, during all of this, there's the adult/school element: Most importantly is the issue of the other child's sexually explicit language and/or behavior. Any time children are using sexually explicit language or behavior, there's a risk of abuse, either that the individual acting out is being abused or that the individual is abusing other kids. When adults see or hear about this behavior, it's crucial that they inform the appropriate school personnel so that the school or counselors can check it out in further detail. Also at the adult/school level: Is bullying taken seriously? When children report problems, do they see concrete, effective action that addresses their problems? What proactive steps are adults taking to maintain/preserve physical and emotional safety? Your daughter, facing this child daily, cannot wait for this problem to be solved on a systematic level, which is why the individual-level skills are crucial.

You sound like a loving, involved mom. You HAVE the power to help your daughter with this, and you CAN take steps to help your daughter keep herself safe. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Sincerely, Erika Leonard Holmes, East Bay Program Coordinator http://www.kidpower.org

6-year-old daughter being bullied at school

I need help with this asap please! My daughter (6 yrs) and 'gifted'--has been put in a mixed class of 1st and 2nd graders which was fine until a 2nd grader she liked started to bully her and treat her very badly. My daughter is as big/tall competent as 2nd graders and can read at a 3rd grad level. The 2nd grader in question, a girl, doesn't like being with 1st graders and she is making my daughter suffer for it. She has knocked her off the monkey bars in the air, whispered with bigger kids in front of her at recess and said ''i wish i could knock her off. '' (She daren't as I told never to do it again.) However, when I mentioned it to the teacher, she merely said, ''sounds like they need to work on their relationship.'' And that was the end of the discussion. We only found out this weekend how much more has been going on and our daughter did not want to get out of bed on Saturday. She has become extremely agitated and despondent and we are very concerned. The 2nd grader looks away from her whenever she says hello, and she pulls her pencil from her hand everyday. Our daughter is very social but this situation is compomising her confidence and ability to socialize with other new kids she's meeting. While sitting next to this 2nd grader in class, she is being completely ignored and given sullen looks if looked at at all. The 2nd grader talks with the other kids at the table. Our daughter is a gentle an diplomatic soul who has never hurt anyone. How can we handle this professionally? And how can we get this unhappy 2nd grader to change her behaviour? ?This is having a profound effect on our daughter, and she suddenly can't hold up the strong front anymore. Her sibling who has the same name as the 2nd grader is now suffering as a result as her older sister has become so unhappy.

My daughter was singled out for some totally unacceptable treatment (shunning) by the ringleader of her childhood friends in the fourth grade at our former Berkeley public elementary school. The teacher was very skillful at addressing social issues, and spent time working with the kids involved. The ringleader then turned her attention to being rude to the teacher. The principal got involved. Before the semester was over, the superintendent had removed the perpetrator from our school and reassigned her. That seemed to be the only thing that would work. The bully didn't attend school for the rest of the year, and her parents threatened the BUSD with a racial discrimination lawsuit, so the superintendent at that time re-enrolled the bully at our school. Lots of parents got phone calls from the (new) principal about this, but surprisingly, we did not. I learned about this reassignment from a friend the week before school started. I began calling other schools, and found a wonderful independent school where there is a culture of kindness and respect and certainly nothing along the lines of what our daughter experienced would be accepted for a nanosecond. I heard that at the beginning of this year, the old cohort of bully and her friends had started a ''Hate Club'' at their middle school. I feel very sorry for those poor, unfortunate children.

Sometimes you can help to change the kids who are causing damange in our children's lives, and sometimes you can't. If you find you can't, I think the best thing to do is to find an environment where your child *is* treated well, with the respect and appreciation every child deserves. To ignore the abuse sends a message to your child that it doesn't matter how they're being treated, or that it can't be helped. Best of luck to you. This problem does seem to be fairly pervasive, but it's one we should address diligently. Sign me a much happier anonymous mom

Assuming that your daughter and her friends know who the bullies are, what their names are, or at least what class(es) they are in, at this point I'd join with A & B's parents and lodge some very strong words with the teacher(s), counselor(s), and/or principal of the school re: what happened. The intent would be to get in contact with the offending children's parents and inform them of what their children have done. If this happens again, or in the event that things escalate greatly (involving police, lawyers, courts, doctors, etc.) at least you've set a positive pattern of trying to resolve the problem by contacting the other parents. Hate to say it but it might also be useful to investigate whether your daughter, "A", and/or "B" did anything to instigate retribution by others. I'm not syaing this is the case, then again all parents have seen or caught their children doing something the parent wouldn't have expected. Jonathan

anonymous

Cruel comments by kids at preschool

My 3 1/2 year old daughter is a very lively, sociable child, extremely articulate and full of fantasy life. She sometimes captivates the other kids at school with her stories, and the teachers love her. She has an eclectic sense of style and is very earnest, kind and enthusiastic. The problem is the kids who say debilitating things to her. She is such a forthright kid, she never stops trying to connect; her enthusiasm is always tendered with a desire to be liked. Unfortunately, there are certain kids who *always* respond negatively to her overtures. She tells me that one of the kids at school tells her she is stupid every day. I have seen this kid turn the opinions of others against her, teaching them to follow his example. Worse yet, there are kids who are friends with her most of the time, who turn around suddenly out of the blue and say terrible things, with this incredible look of glee and delight on their face when she crumples. This kind of cruelty is worse because she is not expecting it, and the children are ones she considers friends so she really believes what they say. I do my best to handle it when I see it happen. Usually, I try to gently call them on it, saying things like, ''Do you think that made her feel good? Then why say something that makes someone feel bad?'' etc. I don't want to interfere inappropriately, but I don't want them to think it's okay, either. I understand that the worst ones are insecure, but that doesn't help my daughter. The teachers work with the kids as best they can, but they cannot overhear every remark made, and much slips by. This is an issue I have struggled with all through my life; I have trouble knowing what to tell her because I never really learned to deal with it either. I know I should teach her to ''toughen up'', but I don't want to squash the essential exhuberance of this child, and besides, I'm not sure I have the skills. What can I say to her? How can I help her to handle these children who want to ruin her self-esteem? We fill our home life with as much love and support as we can, but I'm not sure it's enough. Heather

I would suggest role-playing with your daughter, pretending that you (or dad, or a stuffed animal, or whoever) are another kid in class. When the pretend classmate makes a ''comment'', help her to respond in an appropriate way - perhaps you would prefer that she ignores the comment, or just smiles, or changes the subject (obviously teaching her to throw cruel comments back isn't going to help). She's not going to be able to learn this on the fly in class, kids learn from doing and example.

Demonstrate to her that she has control of the situation based on how she responds to it. Just the novelty of her not giving the usual response may be enough to throw the other kids off.

It seems like kids take on ''roles'' in group situations, and as they grow these roles change. Kids get big, they turn out to be smart, or athletic, or whatever - they change. She needs to shake up the dynamic.

My two cents, hope that helps. Hate to think of your daughter going through that. Betsy

I would speak to the teachers about changing the curriculum to discuss respectfulness for one another, kindness, compassion, and thinking about how others feel. If they aren't willing to put in that kind of work, I would switch schools.

Yes, you can give your child love at home which will build her self-confidence, but speaking as someone who was treated badly by my peers when I was a child, the pain of that cruelty never goes away. In the old days, they used to say, ''learn to toughen up!'' but nowadays they are more enlightened. There ARE ways to teach kids not to be cruel to one another... they may not work perfectly, but they do reduce these incidents.

Today, this kind of treatment of others is called bullying or emotional abuse, and many schools have a zero tolerance policy on the subject. So there is hope!

Good luck! This is very important for your child.

Making cruel comments is what preschoolers do, particularly as they move into their 4's. Although you may never hear about it, your daughter probably comes up with a few zingers herself. Do talk to the teachers about what the children are saying. It is their job to create a safe atmosphere and communicate to the children that cruelty is unacceptable. The kinds of things you have been saying to the children are quite good. Be clear and matter of fact that you don't like this behavior. It's important for you to sort out your own emotional baggage (we all have it!) from the problems your daughter is having. This is one of the exciting things about being a parent--you are creating a new way of responding to something you have struggled with in your own life. Louise

First-grade girls teasing

My son was in a situation where he and his best friend were very close and another child was jealous of the relationship and kept trying to be a part of the group. The other child's mother had talks with the teacher and each of our children trying to force them to play with her son instead of trying to find out why they didn't want to (there were some very legitimate reasons). The teacher also talked with our children and asked them to include this boy. I tell you, the situation went from no so good to really bad. I have always taught my son that I would not choose his friends and suddenly several people were trying to choose his friends for him (in a very different way than I had expected) and both children resented this. The 'excluded' boy saw that 'telling' got his mother and the teacher involved and used it extensively, or at least the threat to tell, to get the children to do what he wanted them to do. This did not win him any friendships and he found himself very quickly isolated in his class. After reproaching my son for "alleged" (and witnessed by me) teasing the boy I found out from his friends that my son had been reapeatedly teased by this boy first. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, be careful of your interference. Much as it hurts to see your child suffer (as this boy I'm talking about genuinely suffered), theirs is rarely the whole story.

I think our children need to grow up understanding and accepting that not everybody will like them and that's ok, and that they will not be invited to every birthday party and that's ok, nothing to feel bad about. Good luck with your daughter.

I would also encourage you to help your daughter make other friends, as this group is mostly able to get under her skin because she cares so much about them and it is obvious that she does. I wasn't clear which girl was doing the most teasing. Would it be any help to talk to the parents of the other girl?

I will meet with the head of school next week and fill her in on what is going on. I will continue to monitor and discuss the issue with his teacher now she has become aware of the situation. I have tried to help my son find words that he can use to disarm the bullies, and to help him understand that by showing anger, he rewards their behavior. My questions are--Should I have a meeting with the bully's parents to inform them of their son's behavior? Should I meet directly with the bully, inform him that I, his teachers, and the head of school know what is going on and find his behavior totally unacceptable? Or, should I let the head of school take charge of the situation? (I don't think his teacher can repair things at this point.) What steps can be taken to alter a bully's behavior? Most importantly--What can parents do to repair his sense of self worth? Since his peers have defined him as the class dweeb, how can I, or his dad help him recover? My heart is breaking to see my son suffer like this.

Just be sure to approach them in a cooperative way, setting aside your (well justified) anger at their kid. I would also express a request that the parents not let the bully child know specifically that they are acting pursuant to a call from you, so as not to give the bully more information than he needs. If this fails (parents unsupportive), to be perfectly honest, I would probably tell the parents something to the effect of: "I always try to resolve problems informally and being a cooperative person myself, I consider litigation an absolute last resort. But I do see your child's behavior as a threat to the well-being of mine and I see it as my duty to my son to protect him. I am sure you also feel the same way about your son. I would hate to have to take legal steps to have your son removed from school or to get all of us involved in costly, wasteful litigation over this matter. Please help me avoid this by working with me in modifying your child's behavior." My heart goes out to you and I wish you good luck.

I think you should MAKE SURE the parents of the bully are told what's going on - and possibly the parents of some of the children who are going along with it. A good friend of mine discovered only after six months (because the teacher never told her) that another child was living in misery because of her son, who was acting as an acolyte to another kid, his only friend. She was devastated that this had been happening and she didn't know. Kids reasons for going along are pretty varied, with size being a big issue. Of course, I found it hard to talk to the parents of my daughter's bullies precisely because they were friends that I knew well, it was hard to bring into a friendly conversation "...and your child has been making my child's life a misery"...in the end it was sorted out by a teacher and a change of school principal, and I had also worked with my daughter on defense tactics that have helped her become a confident twelve year old.

I didn't have her change school or class because I liked the school in other ways, and thought we would get through it (which was a slow method). It's an option worth considering for your child, though. In retrospect I might have done some sort of move, but things went up and down over the months and at key moments I thought things were improving. I also didn't move her because I'd had some bullying experience, and found moving to a new school didn't help me get over it, really, even though the new school was better. I actually think my daughter is stronger from having got through the situation completely and on the last day at that school (three years after the bullying had stopped) one of the girls involved fell on her neck, sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry for all the times I was mean to you" which I think was an important experience for both of them.

Part of the process, for me, was getting together with some other parents, teachers, and the new school principal, to set up a better process for dealing with bullying at the school - it will always exist (very bad sign if teachers claim it doesn't) but it can be controlled and kids (both bullies and bullied) can learn other ways of behaving. There are lots of books on the subject, but I found some of the most useful material for prevention programs was in emotional education sources - teaching kids to recognize one another's emotions, being aware of the consequences of what they do, being able to resist peer pressure etc. Basically, any school that doesn't have an effective control and a prevention program will have uncontrolled bullying, and a proportion of the kids there will be suffering the same misery your son has been. So it's something that all parents should be promoting, not just the relations of known victims.

Incidentally, one of the most troublesome kids in my younger child's class was an angelic looking child. I always had difficulty believing such a sweet-looking kid could do the things I knew he did do. It seems like we all have stereotypes for things, including bullies.

As a counselor I often see the long-term damage of teasing and bullying in adults in adults with severely compromised self esteem. So, I suggest that your son get some help,even if the bullying is brought to an end.

The techniques that I use to undo the damage of bullying and teasing are Hypnotherapy, EFT and Experiential Art. EFT is a method of tapping on acupoints while the child and/or parent tunes into the problem. This rebalances the energy system and the negative emotions fall away. Kids like to tap on their "body buttons," and it's not necessary for them to do a lot of talking about the problem.

Meanwhile, on your own, you might encourage your son to draw pictures of the bullying experiences. You can also ask him to draw pictures about what else he is afraid of, and about how he would like the situation to be.

Don't evaluate or interpret the drawings... just ask him to tell you all about them. This will give you more information, and give him a way of working on his stuff. You can also encourage him to keep a doodle diary that is his alone.

Hope some of this helps. Sincerely, joan

My advice is: it is very hard to get help from teachers, at least in larger schools. Certainly you should speak with the teachers and principal but don't expect the school to be able to solve the problem. Kids know how to bully without teachers seeing them. One positive thing you can do is to generate some good PR for your kid - by that I mean making the other kids think that your son is one cool kid. Does he have at least a passing knowledge of whatever fads the kids his age are in to? If not, do some investigating and get him up to speed. Can you get him some new cool thing that he can brag about or show off? I realize this is not the lesson we are supposed to give to our kids, but self-esteem is very important, and parents can do public relations for their kids that will improve their social standing. Kids are very fickle and not too perceptive and will suddenly start liking another kid just on the basis of one or two cool toys (or later, a pair of shoes or a video game). If your son is still young enough for you to create play dates for him without too much protest, you might try inviting the culprits over for some irresistable event - a trip to an arcade or Great America or something major like that. You will be there to make sure everyone has a good time. If this isn't an option, make sure your son has his own friends to hang with, setting up playdates yourself if necessary. If the situation continues to worsen despite your best efforts I hate to say it but I think you should change schools. Once a kid gets labeled, it's very hard to shake it off and it could stick to the kid for years to come, especially if he is in a small school.

Good luck Ginger

In your place I'd be encouraging him to stand up for himself (clearly we differ here on what is an appropriate response) and seeking an outside source for building his body image, self-respect and social skills. How? I very strongly recommend a program of martial arts training such as Kuk Sool Won -- in my experience kids who get hassled seem to send some secret signal to those around them that triggers the unfair negative attention. A good program of martial arts (or alternatively a good program in a team sport) might teach your son skills to deflect negative attention, while developing excellent physical skills and an understanding of where he is and how he interacts with others. Its also a whole lot of fun and gives a great sense of pride and accomplishment. I suggest the KSW on Sacramento because so much of their program is directed at kids. They are good at what they do.

Let me encourage you to stop seeing your child as a "victim" in this. For whatever reason, he, and you, have entered into a relationship with his tormentors, and you will have to break the pattern and make a new healthier one. I know its frustrating and discouraging -- but the fact is this could be the start of a new, more positive time for your son. Good luck.