Mom putting make up on toddler boy

I have a 1 year 7 months old son. His mom likes to put make up on his face, drawing Eyebrows, putting red on Cheeks, and putting Lipstick. She says it is fun and he likes it. I saw My son tried to put Crayon on his lips by himself.

I believe putting make up on baby boys is bad influence of his growth. Am I wrong? My son's mom is selfish and stubborn and does not listen anybody?

I like to have your opinions. Thank you very much Shawn

As your son gets older and develops ideas about what boys and girls ''should'' do and not do, he might then decide that he doesn't want his mom to put make-up on him. That might be a good time to stop. Until then, as long as he is enjoying it, it is just fun and it won't have any harmful effects on his development as a healthy boy. Good luck to you

On the other hand, there is a more real reason for your spouse to not do this. Makeup is absolutely not regulated at all by any agency or authority in the US. What does this mean? Manufacturers can (and do!) put all kinds of nasty chemicals and compounds in them, that surprise, surprise one can ingest slowly over the duration of a day through their lips, etc. Coupled with the fact that at this age and even older, kids are developing very rapidly, it makes this a really bad idea.

That said, how you might go about registering this idea to your stubborn spouse, I have no idea. My wife does not listen to anything I say/offer/suggest, and shuts me down when I do. So, I sympathize with you a lot on this front.

That last issue is probably the larger and more important one.

The only thing I started trying out recently is to not say anything for most things, and to simply defer to her. Often, this means that when I know how to stop our child from crying I cannot suggest it to her, and just sit there until she discovers it herself. As a result I don't get the shouting in front of our child, but it pains me to no end to see our little guy suffering because of this. I don't suggest you try this approach in general -- some things we adults do are stupid and can have lifetime effects on little ones. You might need to intervene on this issue in a definite way, i.e., maybe book an appointment with the pediatrician or take it up with friends and relatives, as a real teachable moment for her. hoping for a better answer too

You will find that your son is very connected to his mom now. Our son was, too. He LOVED to wear my lipstick, and he loved his big sisters dressing him in dresses, doing his hair, and so on. He wore pink often (three big sisters and lots of hand-me-down clothing). He played with Barbies, not cars. In kindergarten, he wore nail polish to school. He was a confident, cool kid.

Guess what? As soon as boys go to school, what becomes important to them is the play of other boys. While our son never was interested in cars or trains, he was totally obsessed with balls. Fast forward: He is 7 years old now. He is a total sports kid, and could not be more ''boy.'' He plays socceer, baseball, hockey...you name it. He lives and breathes sports and sport play.

We were never worried that he would turn out gay (again, that does not happen!). As a toddler, he wanted to be like those who cared for him the most, his mom and his sisters. My husband was never worried about our son's sexuality. People do not ''become'' gay. You are what you are, and wearing lipstick will not make a kid ''turn'' gay.

If your wife is doing this with your son to bug you, THAT is the problem, not the fact that your son wears him mom's makeup. If she knows it bothers you, then she should tone it down, or discuss it with you as a parent. If she is doing it because she knows it bothers you, then the real issue is NOT the makeup itself, but the fact that she is trying to bother you. Mama of a boy's boy

I don't know of any responsible parents who value being right more than what is good for their children. Most of the parents I know openly admit they have a healthy dose of self-doubt about what they deal with their children and are open to what their doctor their co-parent or other responsible people might say. Judicious use of the advice you get as a parent is key.

The positive news in all this is that your son will soon surpass his mom in terms of maturity level (if it hasn't already happened Nicola

Westerners are pretty much the only culture that does little in the way of body art. It's natural and normal to want to put interesting and pretty stuff on our bodies. This probably originated with humanity's early development. We used mud as sunscreen when we lost our fur, and discovered that we could apply it in interesting patterns, which later helped us create family and tribal identities. Painting and decorating ourselves and one another is also a form of social bonding. As he grows and changes, sometimes he'll be more attached to you, other times more to his mom. Find fun things to do with him - and it sounds like you need to have some fun with your wife/family as united whole, too. Maybe let him paint you! It's ok, it washes off. And it will take the charge off of ''mommy does this but daddy doesn't''.

As for makeup safety - the amount he'd be exposed to is tiny, and it's not going to be an everyday thing. The pigments in makeup are mineral-based, and sometimes undesirable minerals piggy-back in on the acceptable ones; for instance the iron oxides used in yellow and red can have a trace of lead, but it's in very low parts per million with responsible manufacturing. Makeup manufacturers do voluntary testing, and they value their public perception. They recall items that cause allergic reactions, and you don't see women who wear a lot of makeup over a lifetime dropping like flies. Just don't buy cheap makeup (especially those cheap kiddie makeup sets from Asia - often in the toy section at discount stores). Regarding face paint kits, go for water-based and avoid the RoseArt brand, which were recalled but I still see them around. Remember European standards are a bit more stringent than those in the U.S. if you're really concerned about chemicals. ___ Pretty in Pink

Toddler son is obsessed with young attractive women

Our 2.5 year old son is obsessed with 20-something attractive women. After an initial period of shyness, he's in their laps, talking incessantly to them, re-naming his stuffed animals after them, looking at photos of them (we looked at one woman's wedding photos for months), covering his eyes in ecstasy and shyness if their name comes up later...and on and on. He smiles, waves and blows kisses (very flirtatiously) to women as they walk by on the street, turning and following them with his eyes. Yesterday I found him lying on the floor with his face on a magazine picture of Heidi Klum dressed as, well, Heidi, but in a short skirt and high heels (rather a sexy get milk ad for Parents magazine!). None of this worries my husband and me--we find it hilarious, as have many of his love objects. But I'm wondering if anyone else out there who's had a child like this can tell me if this was a phase or a long-term personality trait. Lothario's mom

What we could never understand was why he was so focused on very conventional ideas of beauty. He was never exposed to tv (beyond Dora videos), there are no magazines with model's pictures in our home, and our friends have, um, more inner beauty than blonde hair and makeup.

It went away, more or less. Although he still likes buxom young women, he's more reserved about his affections.

We just shrugged, and figured we found out his likely sexual orientation. Although we are steeling ourselves for girlfriends that primp. not the hot mama

I think it dropped off at some point, but he remained a very loving child.

The ladies of his generation are lucky indeed. You have given birth to a lovebug. No worries! - Lovebug's Aunt

Now he's obsessed with long haired pretty girls. He has fantasys about smooching his favorite ones and wants me to talk about it - a little strange to talk to your child about their romantic fantasys but I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts as they get to be teenagers and will become secretive soon enough.

Sometimes I do find it a little strange, his obsession with long hair and prettiness, he loves to look at magazines and point out all the pretty women, loves tv shows with pretty girls, I try to point out that being pretty isn't the most important thing but not get to lecturey. anon

3-year-old boy likes to wear pink

My 3-year-old son just loves the color pink. He has to wear something pink pretty much everyday! I feel fine about this; he can wear any color he wants! The problem is that despite the fact that he has short hair, and seems so obviously ''boy'', strangers often confuse his gender. Up to this point, my son seems fairly oblivious, but I would imagine he'd start noticing the comments over the next year. I want to allow my son to be who he is, but my husband is feeling more protective of our son; he has a hard time rolling with it when someone asks, ''How old is your daughter?'' I don't want this to become a point of conflict between my husband and myself. Does anyone have any perspective on this? mother of pink lover

Yeah for pink. It IS a beautiful color. He should be able to wear it and I would tell him that it is cool that he likes it. I would also, even at three tell him that the culture we live in likes to assign some colors to boys and some to girls and that it is arbitrary but he should know about the silly thing people do.

Then, he will be empowered with the knowledge of the fact (yes, it is a fact, silly or not) and be able to deal with any issues about it. He will know why someone may assume he is female and be able to decide how much pink he wants to wear and what pink things he will appreciate.

I would point out that pink is really the combination of the colors of red and white and the intensity of the color is based on the combo. I'd ask him which intensity/shade he likes the most and focus on the intellectual/emotional qualities of the colors.

What a lucky boy to have a mom who is thinking ahead! Mai

When our son was 3 and his desire for pink & princesses was at it's height, we, too, were a bit concerned about how others would react and whether he'd be ''odd.'' What I've found is that most people's boys go through this, too, and when you say ''his name is John'' they'll comment oh, my son loves pink, too, or my son loves Dora, too, etc. they all go through this and at this point, your son has no recognition of or thought to gender issues and what others think of him. His friends didn't even notice or care. Trust me, it'll go over his head.

At 5 years old, my son still loves pink but no longer wants to be a girl or a princess. when he enters kindergarten he'll be more influenced by others and i think his desire for princesses will go away on it's own. he's already shown more of the ''pink is a girls color'' without any influence on his self-esteem.

relax, have fun, allow him the freedom from gender stereotyping while you can. pink is for everyone pink lovers mom

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90247842

All for Boys in Pink- Laurian

Last week while we were on vacation my son scraped his leg and it started to bleed. A kindhearted mom offered us a bandaid and apologized because it was pink with sparkles and princesses on it. My son was totally cool with it but her little girl was worried! I told her, don't worry, he knows he is a boy and the bandaid isn't going change it.

Pink is for guys who are secure in their masculinity.

Seeking boys who like barbies and dress up

Hello there, I'm hoping this is the place to ask this question or rather, make this request. My 6 year old son is finding his group of friends who indulge in his dress up and barbie obsession dwindling. We have always supported his gender-bending preferences, its been part of his personality from a very young age, and he has been supported and encouraged by our family and friends, but as he's moved into school age his interests have set him apart and he is becoming sad about it. I don't want him to feel so alone and was hoping there may be other parents in the area who have a child similar to my son. This is Berkeley after all! I would also appreciate any advice from parents who may have dealt with this issue with their child. Thanks.

I suggest you explore this avenue. Eventually he will grow out of that,too. In the meantime, I think it's great you just let him play in his own way. Believe me, with time, unfortunately, he will begin to ''conform'' to society's norms. He's the daughter I never had

6.5 year old son plays dress-up with his sisters

I am a single mom. This summer my son (6 1/2) started playing dress-up with his two sisters (8, 5 1/2). He started wearing his older sister's dresses + shoes. Two weeks ago I had to work so our sitter (8th grade) came over. When I got back they were in the girls' room. I went to the door, heard a lot of scurrying, went in + the girls were all wide-eyed, and my son was in the closet. The girls started laughing. My son came out, and was in his older sister's flower girl dress (a wedding last December). He had on lipstick, mascara, eye shadow (the sitter did that) white lace tights + white shoes, ruffled half slip, and white lace gloves. I didn't know what to say, so rather than react I said it was time to get undressed and we'd go to McDonalds. He didn't want to get undressed, and starting crying. I asked the girls to leave, took the gloves off and his nails had been polished. I unzipped the dress, he had on the lace camisole and white bloomers over the tights. My final shock was when I slid the bloomers down, he had his sister's panties under the tights. I put everything away, washed his face, he got dressed, we went to McDonalds. We watched ''The Borrowers'' when we got home and then I asked them to get ready for bed. When I came to his room, he was already under his covers, and I was suspicious. I asked what pajamas he had on and he said nothing. I pulled the blanket down and he was in his sister's pink Barbie nightgown, so I sat him up and said we had to talk. He cried and let me to take the nightgown over his head but he was wearing the camisole + panties he wore with the dress. I got his own underwear and X-Men pjs, got him dressed, and tucked him in. So now the new constant topic with him and his sisters is ''can we play dres-up now'' and he wants to wear everything. Is this a phase that kindergarten boys go through? If I let them play once a week will that get it out of his system? Should I just say ''no more''? They play together very innocently, and I don't let him out of the house dressed up, but when his sisters help him into panties, cami, dress, slip, tights, and he stays like that all morning, so I'm concerned and want to do the right thing. Thanks! Cathy

Also, if you don't want to handle this all by yourself, you may want to make sure that your son has a place in to express himself through drama, dance, music or art...a place where he can be whoever he wants to be. Let me know if you want help finding those places near your home. Good Luck! Lynn

I would let your son dress up to his heart's content and let him know that he doesn't have to hide beneath the covers if he is in dress-up clothes. You also get to mandate, if you are afraid of public ridicule/censure, that dress-up clothing stays in the house. Make sure, however, that the same rule holds fast for your daughters as well.

Try not not to panic. Good luck Anon

I wouldn't make him feel bad about it. You may not have said too much about it, but I get the feeling that your actions speak louder than words. He wasn't allowed to go out of the house with it and had to change - even when it was a night gown and no one would see him at night.

I am 100% sure that this is a pretty normal phase for a child. But even if it wasn't... Wouldn't you still love him to pieces for who he is - not for what he wears? This is your chance to let him know that. Allow him to be who he wants to be and before you know it this will have passed too! JOJ

I'm also not sure why you made him take his sister's pj's off before bed. Were they not warm enough? Was his sister not willing to share her clothes?

For the health of your entire family, I wish you luck in resolving your gender issues. anon

There is nothing wrong in what he is doing. I wouldn't jump to conclusions about what it all means, either. If he is enjoying himself, and his sisters are enjoying themselves, that's all wonderful. The key is that your kids are happy and fulfilled. As a busy single mom it's easy to beat yourself up about stuff. So stop. And, please, don't punish him for it. Let him explore and feel free to express himself Support for kids

I have a younger brother. In my family, he is the only boy among the cousins around the same age. So he was used to playing with us, anything. So we, all three girls, made him dress up as a girl, put lipstick on him, everything you described in your message. He was fine with playing like that till almost middle school. Later, he started to have more friends outside of the family members, and stopped playing with us girls.

I guess as long as your son is OK with it, and doesn't think it embarrassing, there is no reason to over-react. Boys will stop it once it is time Hua

It's perfectly normal for young kids to play dress-up and enjoy messing around with nail polish and makeup. ''Cross dressing'' is normal too.

Your son will either outgrow it, or he won't, but either way you're doing him no favors at all by making a big deal of it. Easy enough to make a house rule that boys don't leave the house in girls' clothing, if you prefer; otherwise, why not just enjoy and appreciate his quirky aesthetic sensibility and willingness to challenge arbitrary cultural conventions? Boy Clothes Are Boring

It's so interesting to me that girls dressing in ''boys'' clothing (being tom boys) isn't a concern. but little boys dressing up in their big-sister's clothes is alarming.

Are you afraid your son is going to be gay? That's the only concern I can think of arising from a little boy dressing up in clothes that are different from what he is normally dressed in.

Putting aside that I don't think there's anything ''wrong'' with a boy being gay, or dressing up in women's clothing, the VAST majority of boys for whom this is not a phase (those that grow up to be transvestites) are straight. These are men who don't dress up as a performance, but dress in women's clothes because they prefer them.

So, your son enjoys dressing up in his sisters clothes. So what? He may just admire his sisters, the clothes are different, so it's enjoyable to him to emulate them. Why not let him wear a nightgown to bed, if that's what he enjoys?

Whatever you do, DON'T make him feel badly or that there's something ''wrong'' with him for wanting to. Judging by the amount of responses to past queries about this issue, this is a pretty normal thing. It's not hurting him, it's not hurting any one else, so why not?

Many people suggest just keeping it at home. I can understand that, as little boys would probably get teased horribly at school or in public for dressing in their sister's clothes. It makes sense to me, therefore, to gently let your son know that some people aren't very nice and will tease him in a mean way if he dresses like that in public, so you'd prefer that he not get his feelings hurt and just dress-up at home.

Most likely, he'll outgrow it eventually, but please don't make a big deal about it Anonymous

2) If one of your daughters wanted to dress up in a Cub Scouts or Little League uniform, would you be this concerned and writing in to BPN for help and advice? More than likely, you wouldn't. It would be cute, you'd take pictures, and it would be a fun story you'd tell when she was older.

This only becomess a big deal when you overreact and make it a big deal (i.e. making him change out of the pajamas and having him in tears - I don't understand why that would've been at all necessary). And the thing is: if this is some early sign that he will later in life be gay, a transvestite, or whatever it is you're so afraid of...do you think you will prevent him from being that person by making a big deal out of this and making him feel bad? You're not going to change who he is. The only thing you can succeed in doing by overreacting is to repress him or cause him to feel a lot of resentment towards you when he's older.

He's only six - let him have fun. If you're concerned about how others will react if they see him in public, then talk to him about that. He's old enough to understand. Tell him that other adults and kids at school may tease him or not be very kind/ accepting if they see a boy in girl's clothing, that it may not be fair but that's the kind of thing that makes some people uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with it. He should just be prepared for a reaction, and it may be more fun and much easier to just do dress up at home.

Take a deep breath. He's a kid, a little one at that Let Him Be, Worry Less

My Boy Wants to Be Ariel for Halloween

Hello - My 5 yr old son absolutely loves everything to do with ''girl'' things (pink, princesses, make-up) and has no interested in "boy" things. This is challenging to deal with because it is socially "okay" for girls to like "boy" things and but is not "okay" for boys to like "girl" things. My wife and I have been doing out best to support him in whatever he wants and likes because either way it doesn't matter to us. With that being said, he now would like to be a Ariel (from Little Mermaid) for Halloween and would like to wear this to his Kindergarten parade. I'm worried about what will happen at school with his peers - I do not want my son to feel bad for liking things he likes. Should I support him in his wish to be a mermaid or should we try and steer him into a different direction?
Angst Daddy

Whatever you decide aout Halloween, I hope you can really enjoy this time in your son's life. When I can take a deep breath and let all the worries about teasing go, I find myself just enchanted with all the delight and fantasy that my son's love affair with Snow White et al can bring. If anything the ''courtly'' style he adopts from that kind of play has helped him be confident and more friendly is all kinds of social situations...plus it's all just really sweet and playful. I wish him and all other princess-boys a wonderful halloween. Sabine
Snow White's mommy

Grandma opposed to 6 yr.old boy's Princess B-Day

I will be having a 6yr.old simple birthday party for my son, and he doesn't want Grandma to attend his party because my son is requesting for a Princess B-day cake, and he is also into a lot of feminine things in general, but Grandma opposes all this. I already invited her, but I'm planning to cancel with only the Grandma, but I will invite the rest of our family. Should I cancel the invitation for Grandma, and just go ahead w/the party? Apprehensive-Kath Kath

Good luck -- help him stand his ground! a girl who didn't like Princesses

Invite Grandma over and have a chat with her about love and tolerance. Explain to her how important it is to you that your healthy, well rounded son continues enjoying life…care-free. Tell her how much you cherish his innocence and how hard you are willing to fight to prolong it. Make sure she knows that you will do anything to protect his spirit - even if you have to protect him from her. If she is willing to love, cherish, appreciate and respect him - for HIM, than she can come to the party - otherwise, tell her to go give him a kiss good-bye. Kath, when people talk about how hard it is to be a parent – these are the moments they have in mind. Take Care, and good luck. A mom

It ain't easy, but there is a way to be loving and firm, and explain to her why she's not coming. Perhaps suggest an alternative birthday luncheon that she could host for him, if he has a good relationship with her outside of the gender issue.

Remember, he comes first. We often get bogged down in trying tpo please family, and that can get in the way of our kids' experience. Good luck, and Happy Birthday! Pro-Princess Boys

Now, on the subject of family. This is your son's birthday party, this is not Grandma's birthday party. Be very clear about this. I would suggest that if she comes then you set some ground rules: One, this is her grandson's birthday. He was asked what he would like and this was what he chose. Two, Grandma is invited on the condition that she not say one negative thing about his choice of Birthday cake. Three, a negative attitude will not be tolerated. What she chooses to do is up to her. It is also important is that if there is a father in the picture that he support his son's choice.

Remember, this is the grandmother's issue not yours. Perhaps she thinks that this means that he is gay. That is probably the root fear. The truth of the matter is that there are plenty of straight women who were tomboys and plenty of straight men who were sissies. There are plenty of lesbians who played with dolls and are very femmy girls and plenty of gay men who played with trains, trucks, cars and who played football. It takes all kinds. Rachel

Let me give you a foreigner's perspective who come from a very family oriented culture. RELAX! and DON'T EXAGERATE! It's a birthday. He'll have many many of those. And he'll have many many special days. No need to exagerate the celebrations, gradma's response, his response etc etc. You can't uninvite or exclude the grandma because she feels different. Remember she is related as well. Your son needs her and he'll be better off having a grandma around than not (unless she is very obviously abusive). Kids should not grow up in a vacuum filled only with the nuclear family and good things in life. They love and need having family around.

If you think your son is really hurt by her opinion, you can talk to her. But this is not something you need to exert your power on. This is not about who owns or controls the kids or what they encounter. You can have a conversation with her without threatening to cut her off. anon

4-year-old boy wants lipstick, dresses, long hair

My friend has a four and half year old boy and a girl who just turned three. Her son wants to be a girl. He is into the Disney princesses, he actually cries at night because he wants to have long hair, he wants to put on his mothers lipstick and plays dress up with his sisters stuff. His mother took him to the Disney store to pick out a halloween costume, but he wanted to be tinkerbell! After a lot of persuassion he agreed to be captain hook. Even at storytime, he wants to hear snow white and the seven dwarfs, sleeping beauty, etc. How does his mother handle this? She is afraid if she makes it an issue, he will push it more. He never plays with cars, he does like scooby doo and harry potter, but prefers markers, crayons etc.

I think the issue is that alot of adults put sexuality on kid behavior when generally kids are not even understanding what sex and gender are all about yet. And, I think that sensitive, bright children are more likely to explore than other kids. So, I think its important to be supportive of that exploration while NOT making assumptions of where that exploration is headed. My son wears fake toe polish sometimes and still likes stuffed animals and glittery stuff at the same time he's starting to grin about girls - future hetero cross dresser? maybe - but also maybe a guy who's more confident than most to do what he likes not what he is expected to like - or come to think of it, I guess a cross dresser IS a guy who's more confident than most to do what he likes not what he is expected to like! anonymous

3.5 year old boy calls himself a girl

This is a sensitive subject for my friend, who although she does subscribe to this list, is hesitant to post. She's a single mom of a 3 1/2 year old boy (dad is not around a lot, and not necessarily a good role model for either sex). As her son has grown, he's shown a stronger preference towards all things ''girly'' - insisting on wearing floral pants, pink shirts, being a farily princess for Halloween, playing with Barbies, and even referring to himself as a girl. His mom has been great with it, buying him the clothes he prefers and defending her purchase of Barbies for him to Walgreen's staff (though she does keep reminding him that he is a boy). But kindergarten looms closer, and she knows elementary school can be very harsh. She wants to know what to do to help her son be himself and cope with the inevitable cruelty of other kids (and adults) towards anyone who is ''different''.

Anyone else been through this? Should she take him to a counselor/child psychiatrist, not necessarily to change him, but to help prepare him and help him understand the bigger world and himself? If so, who? Any books or support groups? Thanks.
a sympathetic friend

This is her answer.

''That letter is so much like the one you wrote 4 years ago, and the ##%& Dr. from the Clarke Institute wrote!

Just have them start here, there's a lot of info. on the internet, and some parents groups for T children. Maybe you can mention that all children are different and all your parents could teach their children that important fact.

http://www.pflag.org/support/gay.html

Send this one too. http://www.youth-guard.org/pflag-t-net/ ''

I had hoped that she would give an update, but I guess not. I think he's still into Barbies, but knows that boys his age don't tolerate it, so mitigates his behavior when around them. The Aunt

Many years later, talking to a therapist about my son and his difficulties finding friends I commented that he was sensitive and liked poetry. She replied ''Have you considered that he might be gay?''

Both these people (the grandma and the therapist) outraged me. I have seen no studies that correlate poetry to homosexuality. I think homosexuality is about sex and sexual attraction. My son may or may not turn out to be gay. He's certainly going to have gender identity issues if he's hearing things like ''you like poetry (barbies, pink, dancing, purple, gymnastics, etc., etc) you must be gay!'' Or he gets the message that he cannot indulge in activities that he enjoys unless he is a girl. My son stopped wanting to be a girl when I told him in no uncertain terms that he was perfectly free to play with the barbie doll (his sister had tons of them and played all the time, of course he'd want to) and be a boy, and explained that grandma had older ideas and we did not agree. Sadly this does not mean he wasn't shamed by other people or that he did not hide his barbie when other kids came around.

How do we go about gaining acceptance for our boys? How do we go about changing perceptions of what's allowable behaviour in boys (dancing is very common in other countries for example). Or how do we create an environment, community, space where our boys can be themselves and see that there are other boys like them and that they are all ''real boys''? Mother of an 11 year old ''real'' boy

At 4 1/4, my son no longer refers to himself as a girl. He still occasionally wears pink dresses but is now into capes and tights (the superhero look). I had to undo the seams on one of his skirts to make it into a cape. After spending a year's worth of allowance and gift money to build up a huge Barbie collection, he has now declared that he ''hates'' Barbie (of course, he'll play with the Barbies when neighborhood girl friends come over :-) His new interests are Bionicles and PowerPuff Girls. His latest pair of sneakers were girl's PPGs. In restaurants he wants to use the Men's bathroom (and luckily doesn't put up a fight when I tell him he has to come with me into the Women's). And now here's the irony- he is now asking to go back to the old daycare provider, saying he just won't wear a dress to her house! (last year I had a huge rebellion, tears and everything)

I think what has happened is that he has gotten the message, from various elements in our society (older brother, TV shows and commercials, other children) that power is associated with being male. I'm actually a little sad to see him lose his innocence on this point, but I'm very glad I reacted to the situation as I did; that is, I switched him to an environment which downplayed the whole thing and let him find his own way.

There is a huuuuuuge difference between a 3 year old and a 5 year old Kindergartener. Most of the 3 year olds I know have not completely figured out the gender thing. My older son was at his brother's birth just before age 3. I had completey prepared him about female anatomy, and he's seen me naked plenty of times, yet several months after the birth, when he saw a girl friend naked for the first time, he remarked ''What a big penis you have!''

I wouldn't worry about the teasing thing until Kindergarten itself. If he's still calling himself a girl, you can gently give him the information that our society, rightly or wrongly, thinks that people of a certain gender should do things certain ways. I don't think you need a therapist to give over that information. OTOH, if the situation is really worrying the mom, maybe *she* should see a therapist to keep her own sanity. ---Sophie

Of course as a parent I have a wide range of reactions to his gender-fluidity. I want to protect him from a society that is not accepting of those with non-traditional expressions of gender and sexuality. I want him to be satisfied with who he is. I want him to be confident enough to stand up for who he is. Then alongside my concerns for him I have my own ''gunk''. Though I would wish not to be affected by the judgments of others, I nonetheless worry about how others will view my parenting. This fear of other people's judgements is compounded by the fact that my son has two mothers and thus I am faced with people's spoken or unspoken accusations that my son's gender identity non-coformity is due to his family structure.

In order to educate myself I have done a little research over the last few years, both formal (reading articles) and informal (talking to adults about their childhood experience of gender). I also spoke with a psychologist who specializes in gender issues who said my son may or may not grow up to be gay (or bisexual), and he may or may not grow up with a non-traditional expression of gender, and he may or may not want to go through a sex change as an adult. Whatever the case she said we should not get particularly reactive, since we can't control it.

All of my very un-scientific research has led me to believe that the best thing I can do for my son is to recognize that his gender identity is just that: HIS, not mine. It is my job to protect him while he is young gradually giving him more and more of the reins. I am honest with him about the world we live in and tell him at some point it will be up to him whether he wants to get the pretty pink tennis shoes, or wear a skirt outside, or whatever, but for now he is still too young to take on the fear and ignorace of others. When he mentions gender I acknowledge it acceptingly but without much fanfare, just like if he were to tell me he wanted to be a firefighter. I respond to who he is, I get him toys, etc. that meet his interests and at the same time make sure that there are other items available as well so that there is always opportunity to try new things. I hope that in time, he can expand the definition of male to include who he is as he is. If not I will try to remember my basic tenant - it is his gender identity not mine.

As to the issue someone raised about ''getting help''. There are psychologists out there who will try to alter people's gender and sexual identity to fit into the societal norms. It is resoundingly ''unsuccessful'' and wreaks havoc on the individuals who go through it. If a child is having social or emotional problems a good therapist can be invaluable but there is nothing inherently problematic with gender non-conformity, except the societal rigidity. As to the issue of ''it doesn't mean he'll be gay.'' No it doesn't mean it, but it is more likely. Many more gay men than straight men were gender-fluid as children. And being ''gay'' is NOT primarily a sexual issue, when 5 year old girls pretend to marry Prince Eric it is a heterosexual game but certainly not sexual in nature.

To those who know and love a gender-fluid child, may you find the serenity to weather the storm that gets generated around them. And may all of us remember that the world is not as narrow as it often seems and some of the most interesting stuff happens on the outer fringes of what we assumed was possible.

Shastine (mother of 2 fablous children)

4-year-old boy wants a princess dress

There was something about this on the archives, which helped me somewhat, but it was about boys wearing dresses, not princess dresses! My son asked me to buy him a dress almost a year ago. I sidestepped the issue by buying him an outfit from an Indian fabric store on University: a lovely white embroidered tunic with matching drawstring pants, which he loves. He's always loved finery and pretty things, insists on drinking his hot cocoa out of my father's 1950's china for example. Two weeks ago, we dropped my son off at the neighbors, came back a couple of hours later, and he greeted us at the door wearing an elaborate velvet, crinoline, sequined confection of a princess dress with a matching pink feather headband. He looked beautiful. My husband, from Venezuela, held his tongue, but only barely. The neighbors exchanged glances. I care less about what the neighbors think, but still feel I need to tread carefully. When it came time to go, and my son had to take off the dress, he cried bitterly. Now he wants a princess dress. My question is: Should I buy him a princess dress, say it's for dress up inside the house only, and make sure there are other costumes as well, such as a king or a prince? My feeling is, he's only a child and dress up is just that, make believe, playtime. Also, it troubles me that girls can dress up as a king, sultan, musketeer, and everyone thinks it's cute, but when a boy wants to be a princess, it's another story. I want to support my son in his emerging sense of self and exploration, but I don't want to do anything unwise. What does this community think? What would you do? Is it a big deal, or not? Thank you! Christy

I would like to piggy-back on your question and ask if anyone in the community has an inkling of when this kind of behavior is a reflection of a stereotype-free home (which I hope ours to be) and when it is actually a child's immerging sexual self.

My suggestion would be to get a whole costume box--princess dress, sultan, toga, king, knight, witch, etc--and explain that the princess dress stays in the make-believe box. A boy can't be a real princess, but he can pretend to be one, just like he can pretend to be a lion or a king. You can indulge his love of finery, and let him wear it all he wants at home (because it's dress-up, not school clothes, right?). At some point peer pressure might squash his desire to dress up in girl's clothes (or force it out of view)--which you might desire or not--but at least the pressure's not coming from you. The message from Mom and Dad is thus, it's OK to try out different identities in our house.

I have acquaintances whose 6-year-old boy is very into Barbie--clothes and hair and the whole bit, and I admit it gives me pause to see him bringing her with him wherever he goes. (For that matter, they also let him wear his Superman cape wherever he goes, too. What a combo!) They didn't want to make an issue out of it, and I hope their kid someday appreciates what brave and open-minded parents he has. vamai

> My feeling is, he's only a child and dress up is just that, make believe,
> playtime.  Also, it troubles me that girls can dress up as a king,
> sultan, musketeer, and everyone thinks it's cute, but when a boy wants
> to be a princess, it's another story. I want to support my son in his
> emerging sense of self and exploration, but I don't want to do
> anything unwise. What does this community think? What would you do? Is
> it a big deal, or not?

He used to complain that he wanted breasts too (or "nursies" as he called them) and that he wanted to be a girl. When he was around five years old, he wanted a Barbie doll. That was a hard one for his Dad to swallow - he tried to offer him tons of other toys at the toy store, but nothing worked. He got the Barbie doll, the one that came with a seal and diving outfit. She became his favorite bath time toy, and all his nurturing came out with her as well. When he brought her to preschool for "sharing", one of the boys in his class told him that "boys can't play with Barbie dolls". I was working there that day, so I told him that actually boys could play with Barbie dolls or anything else they chose. He looked at me wide-eyed and ran off screaming with excitement through the school "Hey, boys CAN play with Barbies!" It was quite a moment!

Now, at nine years old he seems very secure in his masculinity, and is so well rounded. He loves soccer, rollerblading in the skateboard park, and being really active, as well as cooking, painting, knitting, and sewing. I think it's all about letting them be who they are and giving them the space to find that out without judgment. so, go with your gut! Anonymous

It's an intriguing question: Why do we think it's attractive for women and girls to wear masculine clothes, but we are disturbed by men and boys who wear feminine clothes? Is is further glorification of the masculine and denigration of the feminine? Is it evidence of women and girls becoming more powerful? This wasn't always true; not so long ago, girls and women were shamed by society if they wanted to wear masculine clothes. A lot of things have changed in the last 100 years, but it still seems that guys can't wear feminine clothes. What does it all mean? Louise

When I'm cooking he wants nothing more than to do what I am doing. The only way I finished Thanksgiving dinner was to give him the cutting board with his plastic ikea knife and have him cut apple and celery slices. His father is a little worried about this, but maybe your son will become a fashion designer and mine will become a chef.

Afterall, I was consumed with becoming an astronaut or a paleontologist when I was 6 or 7. Not common pursuits in 1970 for a girl. If you have gay or lesbian friends, maybe they can get the point across to your husband that sexual orientation isn't a learned behavior and playing with trucks and guns wont alter his genetic make-up. Playing with dresses won't either, and like my son, maybe he just likes to do things that mommy does.

My little guy is sensitive and can be frightened of toddler agression. Honestly, I love that about him. Celebrate your little man's free spirit! Just one mom's opinion, Kelliane

I think your inclination to buy him a princess costume along with others, set some limits on where and when he dresses this way is a perfect compromise. It allows him to express this interest while also introducing him to our (as you pointed out, highly biased) cultural norms. If these interests of his continue, I imagine you will have to continue this careful work, advocating for him in school, etc. Your son sounds like a really great person. Best of luck to you all. -- Ilana

As for the question of whether the desire to dress up comes from a non-stereotyping household, I can only offer this circumstantial evidence, my daughter, my stepson, and my son all were raised in a very anti-gender-stereo-typing environment. By the time my 16 y.o. daughter was 2, she insisted on wearing ONLY dresses, preferably pink and lacey, and her favorite toy for years was Barbie, even though I hate Barbie with a passion. My 16 y.o. stepson, wanted nothing but He-Man and Ninja Turtles, and did not care at all about what he wore. My son who is now 7 loves dresses, preferably pink and frilly (and has since he was 2) and the Powerpuff girls. I am so tired of people saying that my son's interest in "girls" stuff is his desire to identify with me (I NEVER wear pink frills), or his older sister. Why does there have to be a reason?? No one speculated on reasons for the other two kid's choices. My son is not allowed to dress up outside the home, we are very clear with him that there is nothing wrong with him, but that some people don't understand and therefore might tease him. He is very aware of where he feels safe expressing this part of himself (the other day, he brought his pink chapstick out of the house, and got self-conscious and asked me to hold it for him). His interest in girls clothes comes and goes, and some day it may go away for good, or he may become the next Ru Paul, in either case he knows that he is fabulous and that we love him for who he is. -Shastine

I let him wear whatever he wants wherever he wants except on rare occasions such as a fancy dinner or wedding. When he's not wearing a pink princess dress he will often put on one of my t-shirts . The latter doesn't seem to confuse people as much. They have no idea that to him it's a "dress".

This was a very touchy issue for a while because he had a daycare provider who told him (he was 2 1/2) that boys don't wear dresses, boys don't play with Barbies, boys don't etc etc. His response was to say he was a girl and to completely rebel about going to that daycare. The situation was a bit compounded by the fact that we didn't cut his hair (or his older brother's) until his third birthday, so everyone was calling him a girl anyway. As soon as I realized what was going on, I switched his daycare and made certain that he would be allowed to wear whatever he wanted. I also made clear to him that he is indeed a boy and that boys can do anything they want. I told him that as a girl I preferred wearing boy's clothes and playing with boy's toys and really resented that I never got the kind of gifts my younger cousin (a boy) got. That little dose of solidarity helped him a lot (as did a bunch of the songs on "Free to Be You and Me").

He is now very clear that he is a boy who likes pink dresses and jewelry. He will correct people who refer to him as "she". I am continuing to treat this the same way I treated my older son's obsessions with dinosaurs and pokemon. My older son went through a period of always wanting to dress as a Charizard, so I bought him red clothes. Presents, parties, shoes, umbrellas -- those are areas where the characters and themes they pick are an expression of themselves.

I did recently see "Ma Vie En Rose" which was an excellent film. The one thing I noted though was that throughout, no one was giving the boy any information. He wasn't told *why* people didn't want him putting on dresses or why his actions were causing his parents problems. Obviously it's the fear that this may be an indication that the child is gay or that the parents are making him gay. I haven't talked to my son about sexuality (I think he's too young) but we have told him there are some people who think that boys should dress one way and girls another. He knows that we disagree with these people, but that they have these opinions nonetheless. FWIW, my brother who is gay never cross-dressed as a child.

I have to say, I recently got my hair cut by someone who was clearly gay. In the casual part of conversation it came up that I had two boys. When he said, "Oh, so you don't have a little princess yet" I quickly replied, "Oh, yes I do. I don't have a girl, but I have a princess." He was thrilled :-) Sophie

PS When a friend of ours picked up his pre-school son, the child was often dressed in a tutu. The kid is now 12 and as far as I know, doesn't wear tutus anymore.

3-year-old boy says he wants to be a girl

I am writing on behalf of my sister who adopted a very premature infant boy 3 years ago. Now that he is able to communicate, he is indicating that he wants to be (is) a girl, not a boy. When he plays with the neighbor kids, he plays dress up with the girl instead of playing with the boy. He kept one of the girl's dresses and wants to wear it all the time. (He does agree to leave it in the car and wear pants when they do errands.) He wanted a Barbie doll and jewelry for Christmas. He's informed his mother that he's going to marry his Dad when he grows up.

If you had a child who acted like this, how would you raise him?

Even though you may not have had direct experience with this issue, I hope to get thoughts from many of you which I will forward to my sister. Many times, hearing other ideas helps clarify your own thoughts and feelings whether you agree or not. If anyone knows of resources, that would also be helpful. Barbara

My daycare provider says "No nailpolish for boys, that's where I draw the line," so when my three year old son wanted nailpolish I reluctantly told him no, but that we could do face painting or temporary tatoos. He declined and gradually stopped asking for nailpolish. For a while, he held his pacifier clip over his head and picked the female version of his name and said he was a girl. That has faded. When he was 2 to 1-1/2 he wanted his "balls off," or testicles gone. I think it's because I used the word balls and he thought of them like any other balls he could throw and play with. He never asks for his "balls off" anymore, and in fact is proud that they are growing. He has never asked to wear a dress.

I've known of a couple of friends' children (boys) who have chosen to wear dresses among other non-traditional gender proclivities. The parents had no problem and let the kids do what they wanted and everyone seems quite happy. Unless the child is really angst-ridden about not physically being a girl, then why not let him dream of marrying his dad or getting jewelry for christmas? It seems unfair to me to impose societal beliefs onto such young children.

From: Mary Carol

Have you seen Ma Vie en Rose? It is a Belgium-made film about a boy who feels exactly the same way as your nephew (the kid in the movie is 7). It is a wonderfully acted, wonderfully directed, thought-provoking incredible film. There are no simple answers to these questions, but surely this movie helps with a sense of compassion for ALL the family members.

I'd buy him the Barbie doll and the jewelry too ,,, and ... I'd continue to encourage him to wear "boys clothes" for going out, because, as he gets older, if he goes out in a dress he's likely to get beaten up (yes even in the Bay Area).

My daughter, who is two and a half, has some pretty dresses which she's willing to wear once in a blue moon if she's given tons of praise. Generally, however, she flatly refuses to wear dresses, as she figured out about six months ago that they get in the way when she's climbing stuff. Lots and lots of girls these days go about in "boys clothing," which, not too many years ago, was considered utterly scandalous. "Boys" clothes tend to be warmer and more sturdy, but ... Alicia DID like her red velvet with gold-buttons Christmas dress ... and such pretty things are sort of "forbidden" for boys (although men ARE allowed fancy silk ties!) Who knows, maybe 50 years from now, ANYONE can wear either blue jeans or red velvet party dresses.

How does your sister dress? If she wears jeans and tee-shirts on a regular basis, your nephew may get a different idea of what "feminine" is and this may change things slightly. No idea how, as I don't really know whether what the boy wants is beautiful, soft, velvety frilly things to wear (and really, MANY young children of both genders do like soft textures and pretty colors) or he wants to be like Mama or whether deep in his soul he feels he is female ... could be all three, or just one of the three, or some other thing all together.

For example, when I was a kid I really wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up. I didn't particularlly want to be a *boy* really, but I could tell (from watching TV) that cowGIRLS got to work in bars and serve drinks and cow BOYS got to ride horses and go out on "roundup" (which, to my child's mind, basically meant a long, six-month camping trip with stars, good food, storytelling, horses, dogs, cows, friends. The actual *slaughter* of the cattle didn't fit anywhere into my dreams.) As a career path goes, I think I felt that going camping for a living was much preferrable to being a sort of waitress in a saloon with regular gunfights ... so I wanted to be a cowboy. Couldn't have articulated ANY of that at the time.

Perhaps your sister would be interested in hearing about our youngest son. Ben is a carefree and happy 2 1/2 year old who has recently become obsessed with dresses and other things conventionally associated with women and girls. He's always loved wearing grown-up clothes. Last spring he was really taken with my husband's neckties and insisted on wearing one every morning to daycare. We let him and he loved it. A few months ago he asked to wear my apron and loved twirling around the kitchen swinging it like a skirt. Then, at Xmastime he discovered the dress-up drawer in one of the spare bedrooms in his grandmother's house and has never looked back. He has worn one of my mother-in-law's old cotton peasant skirts nearly every day for a month. It's becoming so worn and stretched out that we have to twist it and pin it over one shoulder so it looks more like a sari (extremely groovy looking, I must admit). He's quite happy wearing it over pants and sweatshirt and wear a jacket over it (I make this point only to say that he's warm enough), and likes to wear it everywhere. He has worn it to daycare and they are very happy to let him do that.

I've also noticed that when we read books now he'll sometimes point to female characters wearing dresses and say, "that's me". He asks me sometimes to put lipstick and blush on him, and now stands beside me in the morning as I survey my closet and requests something shiny and colorful. I indulge him if I have time, but normally he jigs around for a few minutes and then goes and gets his sari and off we go.

What to I make of this? Frankly, not much. Ben likes colors, movement, texture, and being different. Does Ben really think he's a girl or want to be one? I don't know, but to inhibit his exploration of his identity and creativitiy, particularly at this age, seems completely wrong to me and a real waste of scarce parental energy. Why can't he wear his dress in public if he wants to? He's a toddler! The only comments people have made about Ben and his getups is that he looks fabulous (and he does). Don't get me wrong. I neither promote nor discourage his behavior, I merely accept it, which is by far the easiest option for all of us. My older son, who's 4 1/2, is not interested at all in dressing up or exploring anything remotely feminine. That's ok, too. I can't force him to enjoy playing with dolls any more than I can make the younger one believe that wearing a dress is wrong. My belief is that they are both learning to explore, make their own choices, and most importantly that their parents' love is unconditional.

I may be overstepping it here, but if your nephew wants to marry his dad, is that REALLY that much different from many boys wanting to marry their moms? Doesn't that mean that he just loves his dad a lot, given a three year old's distant perception of what marrying someone really means? Another thing that puzzled me in your posting was the mention of your nephew being born prematurely. If there's a suggestion of that somehow influencing his behavior now, I would strongly question that. I don't know of any resources that would be useful to your sister, mainly because I think that there are a lot of boys at this age that are doing the same thing.