Depressed and resentful that my husband works too much

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for the last five. We have two young children. He is very successful in his career and I feel very grateful that he has a well paying job, we have a nice home, and we are in a good financial place. But...

For the last couple years, as he moved forward in his career, he works longer and longer hours and travels constantly (as in, often, a few days per week.) He's in advertising, so needs to go to this or that place for the productions. This is an industry that doesn't seem to put to much value on ''family time'' and the days are long.

When traveling, he often doesn't finish work till late, so then goes out and it's all expenses paid dinners/drinks at fancy places...often till late because they wrap up late...while I sit at the table with my kids and mac and cheese night after night. I can't help but feel irritated by this. I do trust him, and he checks in constantly while he is out/away and talks about how much he misses us, but it's so lonely being the only one at home so often.

When he is in town, it's long nights and sometimes weekends depending on work demands, but I will say that when he's off work...his family is his priority and he spends his time with us. He is a loving and gentle man and in other than this, he is very good to us.

We moved around a lot, to follow his career, although now I think we are settled for awhile, but the moves have been tough. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom, and am now living further from family and friends. It's isolating.

I am depressed. I find myself resenting him for the hours he works, for missing some of our kids' events, for never being able to schedule things more than a few days out (and even sometimes that is hit or miss.) Just when I think he'll be around for a bit, boom, it's more travel and late nights. We fight about his schedule constantly, and he says he's caught between a rock and a hard place trying to keep his job while still being a good dad/husband.

I am at a crossroads. I know he's working hard to provide for the family, and yet I would trade in some of the financial security for our family to feel whole again. I'm beginning to question if the job will always come before family, if my resentment will just keep building. Am I being fair? Is this selfish? I'd love to hear from any other women with traveling or workaholic husbands, and how they cope. Married But Alone

If you don't want to lose your husband's income, here are some possibilities. You may need to develop a hobby or activity so that your life doesn't revolve around your husband. Make plans for you and the kids that don't involve him. Go out to nice places for dinner with the kids -- you have the money for it! Skip the mac and cheese! Treat yourself to a nice spa overnight, where they have hotel daycare. Make friends with other moms in similar situations. I love to travel on vacation, but my husband hates it, so I find friends to travel with. Us moms and kids have great times together. I think if you went traveling and had some of the fun you think your husband is having, you might feel less resentful. You don't have to wait for him to be around to have a life! Go for it!

I can't say that I never get lonely or depressed, but I don't blame this on my husband's job or him not being around. I try to figure out (when I feel like this) - what is it that I really want or what would make me feel better?

Most of the time, I want friendship or a night out (to swallow my food) or some exercise or other people in my house for adult conversation. So I've tried to fill those needs when they come up by getting a sitter for a night, so I could have some time away from the kids or switching off with another parent (it's often easier to take care of 4 kids when two of them are not yours, so the kids play together - than just 2 of your own) to get a little exercise time.

See if there are other parents with workaholic partners in your area. At least you can share dinners once in a while and laugh about the fact that mac-n-cheese is your regular dinner. You don't talk about missing being treated as a professional, but if you feel your kids are ready for preschool or a day program 2-3 days per week, it's worth looking for some sort of volunteer or work opportunity during that time - IF it would make you feel better.

I can't stress how important exercise is for me. Just taking a 20 minute walk once per day or swimming laps and taking a shower a couple times a week is a life saver. Best of luck to you

For the first 2 years of my son's life i stayed home and my husband worked a job like your husband, minus the traveling. He was gone (and still is) 13 hours a day (sometimes more). At the time he spent 2 hours in the morning with our son. Now that his hours have changed, he sees him 1/2 hour to 1 hour a day. He spends his entire week end doing things with us.

There are so much expectations out there..money, nice houses, perfect families...and then lots of divorce because of too many unrealistic expectations. I think you can choose to have a different life if you both agree. But if you ask him to simply work less it's not going to go well. he is holding up his end of the bargain very well and you'd be surprised how many husbands DON''T. First you should figure out WHY you feel that way. if it's because you feel alone and unfilfilled it's not his job to fix that. So socialize more, volunteer, work a little. Whatever it might be try to own it and fix it.

You can't have your cake and eat it too...everyone i know that has that type of life, including us, either both parents work crazy hours, or one works insane hours. And in the advertising industry it's very normal. That said, you are unhappy. really you are a bit envious and a bit bored it sounds like. Either you should socialize more, work a little or even volunteer a little, depending on what is actually possible. If it's too awful then you need to talk to him and maybe you could reevaluate your life...as in, he could take a job that pays less and gives him more family time and you could supplement by working or you could downsize, sell your house and rent while the kids are growing up and need more family time

You said you trust him, you said he spends all the free time he has with you. Those are great signs. Obviously he works hard to provide a good life for his family since you are financially stable and have a nice home. That has a price. And it's that he is gone often. . anon

By your message; sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for. Trust me, not being able to buy your child clothes or meals out or worrying how you will pay rent is a big streesor that you dont have. Also, your husband is involved when he can so that shows you have a good man who really cares.

Your good man is also very motivated to succeed in his career. If he gave this up; he would be the depressed one. A mans career and being able to provide for his family is a strong sense of identity. If you convinced him to switch careers to accomodate you then it is very possible he will end up bitter and no longer the man you love today.

With that said...can't you use some of that money for yourself. Tell your husband you are interviewing nannies/babysitters so you can have free time both when he is away and during the day to do things that nurture you. Your husband needs to accept that you need your personal time and you can use this to connect with friends, exercise (very good for depression), volunteer or make new friends. This will go a long way to easing your depression. Getting out of the house and letting someone care for your kids will go a long way.

Since money is not an issue, this should be a good start. Also, your husband may not be too happy with this and it may cause a shift in him knowing that you are not always at home 100% of the time caring for his children. Take a stand and let him know there are changes coming. Also, can you leave him alone some time with the kids? He needs to walk in your shoes (slippers)! AA

Instead of fighting all the time about his schedule, can you talk to him? Ask if he envisions his life to be like this forever. Ask if he would be willing to do this for 3 more years or 5 more years and then get a mellower job. Then work on saving as much as you possibly can during those years. Pay off your house. Save for the kids' education. Build up a nest egg.

You might also want to see if you can go back to work, at least part time. Having more of a life yourself might make you feel better.

BTW, when he is on the road, going out to those dinners and drinks with co-workers and clients are part of his job. He probably wishes he were at home eating mac & cheese with you just as much as you wish you were going out to fancy dinners. Anon

It's hard to choose between financial security and a decent life. This may or may not be time to make that choice given the times. you say ''I know he's working hard to provide for the family'' this is a big deal for many men and there's a lot of pressure to do what it takes.

You also say, ''I would trade in some of the financial security for our family to feel whole again.'' Would you really? how much security? would you then look for a job to share the burden? Would you be able to earn enough to come out ahead of the hourly costs of childcare?

YOu mention feeling resentment, it may not feel liek it but resent is a choice you make. you can get yourself a life to occupy you while he works, as long as you wait around wishing you will be resentful but you do have to. If you feel like you can't plan because his schedule is unpredictable then schedule stuff that can include him or stuff you can just cancel. You have my sympathy, I'm not in your space but if I was, I don't think I'd like it much. But you do have options other than the ones you mentioned. anon

One next step you can take is to figure out exactly, and specifically what you want and don't want in your ideal life with your husband and children. Then you can start to write down a list of what you want in that ideal life. Keep refining! Don't settle for: "I want my husband and I to spend more time together," instead write: "I want my husband to spend time with me and our kids between 6pm and 9pm every weekday, and all waking hours of Saturday and Sunday, except for the 5 hours when he will go to grandma's, and also pick up the dry cleaning." You get what I mean. Wrap yourself up in this beautiful dream.

The next goal here is to make sure you communicate with him so that he understands you are not attacking him, you are simply communicating exactly what you want - to be with him because you love him! Acknowledge his feelings, and also that his job is a huge part of his identity, his competence, and his survival. Then ask him how he feels or thinks about the situation. Make sure you absorb his ideas from a neutral place, not reacting to them, just letting them sit in your mind, the way you hope yours will sit in his mind. When you discuss ideas in a caring way, and approach with empathy, your ideas have deeper impact.

One third step you can take is to find ways to slowly create the life you want without changing someone else. For instance, maybe you could find a way to come and bring the kids on some of his trips, so you'll be together in the hotel room. Or have a friend watch the kids, and go with him alone sometimes. These might not be your solutions, but nurture your dreams and find the path which calls to you! I wish you well on your journey! Lauren

before i had my son, i worked all the time: nights, weekends, you name it. since becoming a mom, i constantly feel like i'm screwing up both at home and at work. at work, you just can't be the person who consistently says no, i can't stay late or no, i can't go on production or no, i can't take on any more projects. it will leave you extremely vulnerable, especially in this economy. just as in your situation, my income is our only income, and it's scary as hell to have that weight on your shoulders.

after changing jobs several times in search of a more family-friendly situation (which i don't think exists), i ultimately chose to take on a role that's pretty dull for me, but offers more predictability on the home front. it's depressing to see other people pass me by, but have to hope that eventually i'll be able to go back to working on stuff i care about. in the meantime, i'm trying to focus on the positives: i'm providing for my family and spending more time with my son than a lot of other parents who work in advertising.

your husband may be able to work less, but it will come at a cost. greater marginalization/vulnerability at work, maybe. or doing work that's not as great...which can also make him less marketable in the future, since getting new job offers always comes down to ''what have you worked on lately.''

it's tempting to consider a less challenging agency, but if your husband is on the more senior side (ACD or above), an agency that pays less or has lower expectations can actually end up being more stressful and time-consuming, since the work still has to get done, but there are fewer motivated/talented people to do it.

allllll that being said, your concerns are TOTALLY valid. i would feel the same resentment you do. i think you should try and approach the subject knowing that he probably feels equally bad/guilty/stressed/depressed about it, and discuss the risks versus the benefits of reducing his time at work.

again, i know you wanted to hear from people who were in the same situation as you, but i wanted to let you know that it's really, really, really hard on both sides of the equation. AdMom

My husband is not available also. I choose to stay. It is not the perfect nuclear family but my life is full and rich. He is happier I'm not mad all the time. a Wife...

I think you should appreciate what you have -- a loving, faithful, and hard- working husband, a nice home, and a comfortable financial position. Sounds like a dream to me. My husband is a co-owner of a small business and works seven days a week, so I'm alone with my child a lot in a rental house where I spend a lot of time worrying about how we'll ever buy a house or pay for college.

I know it's extremely difficult that your husband is gone so much and I feel for you regarding that. But try to figure out how to make it work. Try to be creative about it. You are very, very fortunate to be in the situation you're in, and in my opinion you should be grateful and proactive, not just tuned in to the negative part. anon

I know I don't sound too sympathetic, I just feel like I had to face the same hard reality and it would have been better if I had accepted it earlier. It sucks when your life choices require compromises you thought you'd never make but sometimes you don't have good options.

One last thing - are you using the word depressed colloquially or clinically? If it's becoming a mental health issue, deal with that first and foremost - I found for a long time I thought the issue was my husband's hours but it was more complex than that. --Tough Love

And this too: advertising is hardly a profession to sacrifice family over. I know that people burn with ambition, and selling is satisfying at a gut level, but these passionate feelings are cold as ice compared with family. To the person who posted, you already understand these things at some level, which is why your question exists. Let this understanding grow, and give it to your husband. You will strengthen your relationship as well as yourself. Brian

Advertising thrives on competition (especially Creative). There is a lot of ego involved too. The unfortunate result of this is the constant need to watch your back. Teams are pitted against each other on projects and the ''winners'' go off to produce work. There really is always ''someone in the wings.'' And that someone is probably 10 -15 years younger and will work longer days for 40-60% less. Advertising simply is not ''family friendly.''

This is not to say there aren't a ton of (mostly male) creatives with families. When I first returned from maternity leave, I complained bitterly to my husband about the ''ad guys.'' How could I compete? While I was running to the pump room and rushing home to tuck my newborn in, they hung out at the office endlessly and schmoozed over drinks with the bosses. I had one coworker (with 3 kids) tell me he came in on weekends ''to get away from the family.'' And another (2 kids/who I was competing against for a project) tell me he came in one weekend not to work, but because our new (male) directors were there. This caused me tremendous distress...

Until I got over it.

I decided for me, my family was more important than my career. Competing against the ''ad guys'' simply was not sustainable for myself or my marriage.

I now do work that is less sexy with less production. But, there's more management and I'm exercising parts of myself I hadn't before. I don't expect I will be able to easily step back into ''the good stuff.'' As the other ''ad mom'' said, you are judged on what you did last week. Oh well.

As I look at my life balance, this is where it needs to be.

It took me awhile to get here. It's not easy to shift from evaluating an agency/position based on ''what kind of work you'll get out of it'' to ''when you'll get out of work.'' I still give long explanations to fellow ''creatives'' for my current decisions (did I mention the amount of ego involved?)

I encourage you to speak up and let your partner know you are unhappy and that you need more (my husband told me this and I listened!) And seek a good counselor.

Ultimately I think having a family means sacrifices from both partners. [Funny when you choose to have a child you feel like you're ''adding'' something to your life/marriage - but it means giving up things too!] Good luck. Another Ad Mom

Full-time working mothers: How do you make it all work?

I am a full-time working mother of a toddler trying to find that work life balance. I have a wonderful job that I love and am good at (and make a great salary) with a good, understanding boss as well as a great, helpful husband who works closer to the house and helps out a lot with our child as well as the household chores and grocery shopping. We love being with our child but during the week have only an hour or two by the time we get home from work, pick her up at daycare, make dinner, etc. It is hard to do anything after work anymore (pre baby I used to meet friends for dinner, etc.) but we like coming home to be with our child. I am also tired all the time!!

But I just feel like I never have enough time for friends anymore and since our only real free time is the weekends, we have to make choices - do we see friends, run errands, just spend time as a family, workout, go out to dinner or cook at home??

How do you make it all work and fit it without giving up too much? We only have one child right now but really want a second and know it only gets harder. Are there working mom support groups (I was in a mom's group earlier but most were SAH moms so our issues were very different when we got together and I had less in common with a career) where you can get together with other full time career moms and talk about these things?

My husband and I both need to work and really like our jobs. I just want to feel like I have more balance as a working mom.

Thanks full time working mom

So, you pace yourself, plan way ahead, you pay people to do your errands, etc. to free up the time you have to do what you really want with friends and family. A second child will make this very apparent.

I think it is so great you have a job you love. That is so important. If you are happy, your children will be happy. Staying at home isn't for everyone and don't let them tell you otherwise. Enjoy your job, your child, your husband and your friends. If you can work 30 hours instead of 40, go for it. anon

It is a play/support group for working moms and dads. We meet once a month, on the weekend, so the kids can have fun and be their wacky selves. We do things like potlucks, field trips to Habitot or the Zoo, etc. We also have some mommy and daddy only events like movies and moutain biking. The children are almost all in the official toddler range.

All of the parents work, in some capacity, and we all struggle with the ''do I go grocery shopping and buy diapers on Saturday, or spend quality time with my family?'' debate.

Check out our group and send me an email if you are interested: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/workingmoms-dads/

Good Luck! deniene

It would be nice if there were working mom's weekend groups. However, there would need to be a lot of members since I am sure other things will come up and people will not regularly attend!

You may also look into a play group ring -- I am not sure what they call it -- but I have read that some families alternate watching all of the kids. This would ensure you a full house perhaps once a month and 3 weeks of some time off for a date with the hubby or window shopping! jounjian