Berkeley Parents Network: Parents on Business Trips

Berkeley Parents Network

Parents on Business Trips

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Working & Careers > Parents on Business Trips

Questions

Sad about separation from 4-mo-old for business trip
Childcare for 8-year-old while parents are gone
The jobs I want require travel - worried about attachment
Helping Kids Cope with an Absent Parent
Single Parents and Business Trips
Taking Baby on a Business Trip

Related Pages

Sad about separation from 4-mo-old for business trip

July 2007

I will be leaving my 4 month old with her gradparents for 5 nights, rather than take her cross country with me for business. It will be the first time we will be separated and just the thought, just typing this, fills me with sadness. I am sure she will be fine with her grandparents, and they will keep her on her routine, but I fear that she will feel abandoned. How can I ease this pain? Stefan

The first time I left my daughter for a business trip, I thought I wouldn't get through it. I feared missing her too much, how she would do without me, what if something happened to me. In fact the first few times I traveled without her it was really, really hard for me. But, as I'm sure others might say, it has gotten alot easier for both of us. I also found that once I was at my destination and settled in, that while I missed her, it was also really nice to sleep in a hotel by myself! And, don't feel guilty if you feel that way even a little -- we all deserve rest. I had contemplated taking my daughter with me on these trips because of my fears, but realized she was alot better off with a consistent routine and care in my absence. So, it's not easy, but it will get easier! Good Luck

I was in the exact same situation a number of years ago (my son is now 4). It was helpful for me when I clarified that there were two things one should think about. In your case: the impact of your time away on your daughter v. the impact of your time away on you. It sounds like you have every reason to have confidence that your daughter's grandparents will be thoughtful, loving caretakers (and will be respectful of her schedule, etc). I would encourage you to let yourself relax then about the impact of your time away on your daughter. She will be fine, and its even a special time for her to bond with her grandparents, which is so very valuable. So that leaves you and how you are feeling about missing your daughter (not because you are necessary for her happiness during those five days, but because you simply love her and she is a big part of YOUR happiness). I have found when I am away with work (and this is true even today) that my feelings go in waves. I viscerally miss my son terribly for certain parts of the day (even now), feeling really sad -- but then other parts of the day I feel an unexpected sense of relief/relaxation at being on my own for a bit. I will say that there have been a few trips that I have cut short because I just felt a central need/urge to get home (again, because of my need to be there, not because anyone was falling apart without me). But usually, my trips end up being something on net I feel good about. Maybe try to reframe how you think about this trip. Your daughter is getting this great opportunity with her grandparents. So what will you be doing to take advantage of the opportunity you will have (even though you didn't really choose it) to be on your own for a few days? Its healthy to miss your kids.

I did the same thing after I went back to work. My son was 4 months old and I had to go on an international business trip for a week, and my son stayed with his father but was in daycare during the day. I was really anxious about it, but as it turns out at 4 months babies really don't have that degree of attachment that they 'miss' you or feel abandoned. My son never noticed I was gone, and he just smiled an burbled when I came back like I had just been out of the room for a moment. He's going to be fine - it's going to be harder on you than him. working mommy

I know it is hard, but it will be okay. Your baby will perfectly fine. I had to travel about 4 times a year, sometimes for 4 or 5 nights, from the time my son was 5 months until he was 4. It was always okay. In fact, it was waaaaay harder on me than on him. He is twelve now and is doing just fine. I know in these early months of parenting everything seems absolutely monumental, but as an experienced mom, I am here to tell you that when you look back at this, you will crack up about how freaked out you were. It means you are a great dad and love your kid, which is fantastic. Just keep a positive attitude about it around your baby. They can read emotions like nobody's business. If you are happy and confident, your child will be too.

Childcare for 8-year-old while parents are gone

Aug 2006

My husband and I have an usual situation for our family. We will both be required to travel for business in the same week, one of us out of the country. As a result, we need to find care for our 8 year old son, including overnight care, meals and driving to and from school. Our usual teen babysitters cannot make this kind of commitment because of their own school schedules and our own family is too far away to provide care. Any advice, recommendations, and typical rates for this type of care would be appreciated? LeeAnne

You say your family is too far away to provide care - would it be possible for you to pay (or use miles) to have a grandparent (or another family member) fly out for the week to stay with your child? It would be a great time for them to bond and might even be cheaper than hiring a round-the-clock nanny for a week Gretchen

Try Bay Area Second Mom -- they have great nannies you can hire on a temporary basis (one day to six months). We have had great luck with them. sabrina

The jobs I want require travel - worried about attachment

Sept 2005

Hi Fellow Parents, I am a first time mother of a 9 month old and am now hitting the job market. I have found that the jobs in my field require travel and find this a little unsettling. Still, I have worked very hard to get to this point. Do other working moms have tips about travel? How long is too long? Do you find that your child becomes anxious or insecurely attached? (I was a psych undergrad and have a MA in human development so am very worried about attachment issues.) Any tips and/or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance, Jessica

Hi Jessica, I don't travel that much, but I do travel some (once every couple of months) and began when my daughter was about 10 months. The longest I've been away is 4 days. I think it's harder for me in many ways than for her--the first night I kind of enjoy the freedom but after a few days I pine for her.

I think a few things make it easier for her:

1) My husband is as deeply involved with her as I am. So there's stability there.What's more, rather than thinking of this as harmful to her attachment to you, why not think of it as promoting stronger attachment to him? It's a great time for Dads and kids to bond without the dominant presence of Mom.It's wonderful for their relationship.

2) When I go, her routine remains the same. Routine gives kids a sense of stability.

3) Even before she could understand it, we talked about Mommy going on the airplane and how I'd come back because Mommies always come back. I always said goodbye and she watched me leave (in a taxi or bayporter if I took one, or in my car). I didn't just disappear on her which is upsetting for a chld. When she was older, we'd read the book ''Owl Babies'' which is about a Mama Owl who goes away but always comes back.

4) Despite all this, I didn't make a huge deal about it. Act like it's normal. Also be sure to celebrate coming back together again--say you've come back and you missed him/her etc.

5) When she was very young, she sometimes snubbed me for a short time--a few hours, or even an evening. It's understandable. It's an emotional thing.

And no, it has not affected her attachmentto me, her little psyche or anything. My daughter is 2+ now and is happy and loving and secure. SHe knows that sometimes Mommy or Daddy goes on the airplane but we always come back. Sometimes she pretends to be one of us getting ready to go on the airplane and says goodbye and then says, ''I came back!'' When one of us leaves, we draw a picture of the airplane on the calendar to mark the departure day along with a picture of her and whomever stays behind waving at the plane. Then we draw another picture of the plane coming back on the day of the return. In between, we X off the days before going to sleep at night. And we say goodnight to the absent parent wherever that person is (''Goodnight Mama in New York!'') So, it's all about creating ritual that keeps a sense of routine, order, control for her. And, again, please don't underestimate the value of time with Dad! Mom on the Fly

I felt very much the way you do, so I followed my instincts and just brought my son along on every business trip! It sounds a bit crazy, and maybe in retrospect it was, but at the time it felt like the best thing to do. How did I do it? It was expensive, but a couple times my husband came along to watch our son, another time I flew my mother to North Carolina to meet us and she watched him, a few other times I brought along a babysitter. This, obviously, wouldn't work if you need to travel monthly---I only had to take about four trips a year. All I can say is, if there is a will, there's a way. I just couldn't imagine leaving him, so I made it work.

So I say, trust your instincts----9 months is still very young. My son is now three and I think I could travel if I had to (I've switched jobs so it is no longer an issue). So one way to think of it is travel will be difficult for another 2 years or so, then it will be easier. Either try to take a job that doesn't have much travel, or plan on bringing him temporarily. Good Luck

Jessica, I have had to travel for work since my first child was 3 months old and despite my fears, it has worked out. My first question would be, what kind of system do you have set up at home? Does the child have another parent who can really step up to fill in for you while you are gone? Do you have back up such as a neighbor or relative who will be able to pitch in a bit while you are gone? If the answer to one or both of these is ''no'' it may be hard for you to be away--both on you and the family at home. In my case, my husband is such a super dad that the kids barely notice my absence and he has work flexibility to be around more. We have really made it work (we have no choice!). I have friends who travel and the dad is either inept or working all the time and it is really hard for all. In my experience, after three days I am in acute pain being away and my kids start to show signs of missing me. But every family is different. Week trips are super hard and I try to avoid them at all costs. More than a week is truly anguish. On the plus side, my business trips are the time I have to myself to see movies, take baths, read, etc. Two day trips are like a vacation! Good luck. Elizabeth

Hi - I went back to work after my first child was 5 months old and took my first trip almost immediately. I had pumped enough milk to last while I was gone and took a pump with me to 'pump and dump' to keep the supply up. It was much harder on me than it was on my son from my husband's reports. Apparently he didn't even notice that I was gone. 2 years later I had twins, went back to work after 4 months and took my first trip for a week when they were about 10 months old. They were fine too. I had a nanny who was with them for 12 hours a day anyway so they didn't seem to notice. My trips were much harder on them when they were between the ages of 2 and 4 because they were more aware that I was missing. The teachers at the preschool always could tell when one of us was traveling because our kids were more needy. Now my son is 7 and the twins are 5. I still travel and it's now gotten a bit easier than a couple of years ago. They know now that we travel and we always come back. I can also talk to them on the phone now when I'm away which helps. Despite all the travel, the nannies, the day care and all the other childcare support that we've used over the years, my kids know who mom is and are very very bonded to me. There is no substitute for mommy their minds. So I now understand that all that guilt I felt about leaving them all those times and the worry that they wouldn't bond with me or love me as much as someone who was there with them when I wasn't was all for nothing. working mommy

Please do not worry (well, try your best not to worry) about leaving your baby for business trips. My first trip after my baby was 3 months old was one week in Spain (Grandparents And Nanny on duty because of 1st trip concern), and 3 years and a zillion business trips later, my son is totally well adjusted in that he KNOWS I am coming back - be it from a trip or a day at pre-school or time with a friend on a playdate. The trips started the moment I went back to work, when he was so little, but maybe that helped him as he grew older to combat ''separation anxiety'' - he had (and has) much less of it than other kids I know his age. Whenever possible I try to keep my trips to 3 days/2 nights, but sometimes that is not possible and it's longer. It is ''what it is'' so if you have a great job opportunity, go for it. With all the frequent flier miles, you can have a great family vacation when you choose. It's the time together that counts, and time away is not so bad. Think ''Heavenly Bed.'' And don't worry, your child will know you love them and are there for them - because you will be. Good luck, and do not feel guilty! Susan

Here's what I did when I need to travel and my son was young. I took him along on the first trip (with his Dad as Nanny) when my son was 4 months old. Since this was a luxury we could not really afford, Dad and son stayed home and I traveled with a breast pump until I had weaned my son. I pumped to keep supply up and did not try to store the milk/bring it home. I still travel about once every 6 - 8 weeks for 4 - 7 days at a time, and it does not seem to have affected my bond with my son at all. He is deep in the throws of the typical 18 month old mommy fetish, just like all the books say to expect. I believe that if it's a job that you like and will make you happy, that will be best for everyone in the end. good luck Anonymous please

Helping Kids Cope with an Absent Parent

October 1996

My experience with my child and business travel was as follows:

Yr 1 and under - forgot about missing parent within 1 hour

Yr 2 and under - forgot about missing parent within 1 day

Yr 3 and older - missing parent is sorely missed and "punished" upon their return for "leaving me" for whatever amount of time.

As your son is a 1 yr old, my advice is more for YOU. As you will have all of the responsibility for 3 weeks, make your life as easy as you can. Have take-out pizza, burritos, chinese food, etc, in order to decrease the burdens of shopping, cooking, and cleaning up. Have a friend come over (or family member) to help you do the laundry, as this is hard with a one yr old around. And don't worry about the other housework, you will have plenty of time (and help from your spouse) after their return!

Also, get lots of fresh air time (whenever possible) to encourage a good night's sleep for BOTH of you. Good luck! Carolyn

On an absent parent: a couple of small suggestions: keep a picture of the dad around and prominently displayed. Talk about him to keep the memory going. Also, try to plan some special things to do with your child, especially to fill in the gaps that his father would normally have filled. On being a single parent: just make sure you have your priorities straight, i.e., playing with the kid is more important than a clean house. Dianna

We now have more than three years of experience dealing with my husband being gone periodically on business trips and me being the sole parent in his absence. It was easier when my daughter was a baby, but now that she's a very active preschooler, it's much more demanding. A one-year-old probably won't stress too much if kept occupied with interesting and fun activities. I strongly advise arranging with friends and/or relatives for some child care, so that you can get some breaks. Otherwise, you can get very worn out, and you may even find it hard to get ordinary chores done. Good luck! Nancy

Re: Stacy and her husband's business trip away from one-yr. old son: I took my then-one-yr. old son to visit my mom in Fla. for 17 days. Even though I had him talk on the phone to his father, when we returned, he was very, very angry at his father and would push him away and take swipes at his face. In other words, he blamed his father for the absence. Ever since then and up til now, if he doesn't get to spend time with his father in the morning and evening he sometimes rejects his father, but at the same time, he is always, alwasy asking for him, saying Daddy and runs to the door when he hears the sound of his car. Wendy

My husband has traveled several times a year since my daughter was only a couple months old. She tends to have a very even and mellow temperament so I haven't noticed an extreme reaction. When she was a year or less she was, however, more clingy and had a more uneven sleep pattern. She started waking up earlier and earlier in the morning. Now that she is verbal she can express her concerns "Daddy work?" or "where Daddy?" so I donUt have to guess about her behavior.

Things that we do to help:

1. Daddy calls as often as possible.

2. Before he leaves, Daddy talks about something they'll do together or something she can take care of for him while he's gone. Mom will follow up by talking about the activity or helping and reminding about the caretaking (like feeding the cat).

3. Go to dinner at friends' homes so I don't have to deal with dinner and my daughter can be with other people/family and be distracted. I am not an ambitious cook during these times at all.

4. Get a babysitter to come in a few times or a mother's helper to shop or help with errands. It's important to give yourself a night or a Saturday off each week because it's a very intense shift of responsibility

5. Acknowledge to your child that she might be missing Daddy even if your child is not yet verbal. Try a time when you think she might be agitated because of Daddy's absence. She may not even really know why she is agitated if she's really young but I am pretty sure she'll be soothed by your saying something like "You know, you got up really early this morning. I wonder if you are missing Daddy. I know I miss Daddy and can't wait for him to come back. We'll have fun when he comes back."

6. If your child is a bit older you can try to give her some kind of idea of when he's coming back. When there's only a few days left to his absence I start saying "Daddy will be back in three days - that's when you go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, wake up...etc". I have no idea whether she really gets it but somehow it puts parameters on the absence and limits the time.

These are things I do. I'd love to hear what other parents do. Melanie

When my husband had to be away for a week when our sons were 3 and 1, he did a 20 minute tape recording, telling favorite bedtime stories. Then the boys got to listen to the tape every night in bed (and any other time they asked for it). That seemed to help a lot. My husband also called every night which let the boys each say hi. The 1 year old listened (we used a speaker phone) for a few seconds and wandered away but every day he would go to the tape recorder and ask for daddy.

We have also created a favorite story time character (Andre the mouse) who always goes through possibly traumatic adventures before the boys do (e.g. trips, first day at pre-school, visitors, etc.). About a week before my husband's trip, Andre's daddy had to go away for a week. We talked about it a lot so it was not a surprise when it happened.

Janis

Single Parenting and Business Trips

July 2000

I am the single parent of the 3.5 y/o and although I actually have not come up against this yet, I know that someday (in the next 2-5 years) I will have to travel for business/research purposes..for a few days and either not be able to bring my daughter with me or have to bring someone along as a caregiver (we're talking remote places). I definitely will forstall this as long as possible, but the situation presents some problems. Her father lives in Alaska and her paternal grandparents live near Redding. On the other hand, my parents (who live near San Jose) both work 50 hours per week. My roommate, who would be happy to help out, starts work at 5 am, so obviously cannot take her to preschool in the morning. How have other single parents handled this? I know there are lots of options but I don't know which would be best. The way I see it is she could go to her regular preschool and be watched by one of her regular teachers in the evening (I imagine) or go with my parents and I could find some kind of quality childcare program which will take her for a couple of days while my mom is at work. Also, she could stay at home with my roommate and then be transfered (at 4 am while sleeping) to house of one of my friendly single parent neighbors who could take her to school in the morning. I know she will miss me, and I will miss her, but I want this to be as untraumatic as possible. She has stayed at my parents overnight only once. She was okay except that they really couldn't get her to go to sleep. (until 2 am!) Any suggestions? What has worked for you folks in the past? Elizabeth

I have to travel in my job about 6 - 8 times/year or so, since my son was 9 months old; he's 3 1/2 now. I have used many different kinds of arrangements. Luckily my mom, who lives in So. Cal. comes up when I have to be gone for 3 nights. She's 77 and I know can't count on this forever. For shorter trips, 1 - 2 nights, I have a baby sitter who can do it at our house. This is expensive, but sometimes I just have to do it- 100/night. this involves getting my son from day care and taking care of him until dropping him off the next morning. When my son was a baby I used some friends who could do this for a night. Sometimes I can take my son with me, as I'm planning to do this fall for a conference in Boston- which has childcare arrangements and where I have cousins. I took him and my mom to Vancouver last Feb.

I find that my main goal right now is to keep my son's routine as stable as possible, have friends stop by that he's close to, stuff like that. I hear that this will get easier as they get older and start doing overnights at friend's houses. Hope something here helps. Mona

April 1999

I work full time; I'm a single, professional (research), custodial mother of a 3-year-old. I have 2 to 4 out-of-town meetings to attend a year, for anywhere from one to 6 days each. I've found that the situation is difficult-- finding childcare, someone to take care of my child while I am gone. I've already tried bringing him with me to short meetings (which I love to do!), but it's hard (with a child) to pay attention fully to the meeting throughout its duration). My child attends a childcare school 9 hours a day, Monday through Friday. I would need someone to stay at our home (or possibly take him into their home), and do all the parent things: wake him up, feed him breakfast, make him lunch, take him to school, be available if he gets sick (fortunately, this is rare), pick him up, feed him dinner, read him a story, tuck him into bed, and provide love and a fun and caring environment for him. My child's father isn't available to take care of our child while I'm gone. I don't have any family nearby. We moved a year ago, and I anticipate another move or two in the next 5 years, so I don't know a lot of people, and by the time I will have formed a network, we'll move again. Neighbors are not really an option, most are young and single (and have nightlives or jobs/careers that require them to be available 10 or 12 hours a day). I've joined a single parents group, but it does not (apparently) have parents like me whose one big concern is what to do when you need to go out of town for a professional meeting for a few days. I've talked around at my child's school, and I have not yet (!) found another single professional custodial parent. Are there any other single mothers (or fathers) out there that, like me, have out-of-town meetings to attend a few times a year; if so, what do you do when you need to be out of town for a few days? I'd be grateful for any suggestions.

perhaps asking any of the parents (or teachers, or assistant teachers) at your child's preschool would be an option, and offer to pay them or perhaps reciprocate for other parents. that way your child would know the person fairly well (and would have a well-known playmate if he stayed with another preschool family). the assistants at my child's preschool are college students and some of them do babysitting on off hours - if I had a similar situation, I would probably ask one of them if they could "house-sit and child-sit" for me, and pay them. Also, if you take him on short business trips, sometimes hotels have child-care available that you could take advantage of during your actual meetings.

A suggestion: think about changing your housing situation. Look for other single parents or a family to share housing with -- with the understanding that you will take these trips and that at other times you would be available to care for other children. We did this -- my husband, myself and our three kids lived with two single mothers -- one with one kid and one with two kids. It worked for the most part. I think it is easiest on the kids -- they stay in their house, in their rooms, with folks they have already been living with. One has to be willing to make changes and accept that alternate housing might be a good idea. You can find web sites for both co-housing and alternative housing that will help you find people and houses and communities. Good luck.

I'm also a single mom, and the only parent of my kids. In truth, I haven't taken as many business trips since becoming a mom as I used to, but they're not unheard of. It's very hard to find young, non-parent sitters to do what moms do -- I've actually had a few tell me flat out that what I do *outside* of my job is too much work for one person. What's worked the best for me is exchanges with other families. The easiest way is to try to arrange this with a family of a child your son knows from daycare, as you've been trying to do. Make sure you don't limit your search to single professionals who take business trips -- I've done successful exchanges with couples and with people who just need a vacation.

You might try posting a notice at one of the schools where English as a Second Language is taught. Berkeley Adult School is one place. Many of these students are here for a fairly long term and tend to be older students with a strong desire for family life because they are so far from home. We have such a live-in student in our household, and in our case, she's a mother who had to leave her son behind in China. She's very responsible and has a mother's instinct about what to do under a variety of circumstances. Surely there must be other students who are in similar circumstances.

Taking baby on a Business Trip

Since 3 months seems pretty early to have a long separation between mom and baby, I'd recommend doing whatever you can to bring the baby. Is there a friend or relative who can accompany you on the trip? Maybe your office will help pay their airfare? If not, ask the conference organizers to do everything they can to find someone there to be with your baby when you can't. They can talk to the hotel folks-- there's got to be someone who can do it. Good luck!

We had luck through a chanber of commerce. A day care operator was reffered, who could also refer independant sitters. You can then interview by phone, get, refs etc.

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