Will I regret leaving my career?

I am a SAHM of two kids, a toddler and a 5 yr old. I LOVE being a SAHM and hardly ever have days that I feel like I miss being at work. I worked in a fairly creative job but the hours were really bad (not 9-5), there were egos and politics, and it is not a family friendly career. I did freelance off and on with the first child. I couldn't afford child care so I worked during naps and at night. But since it is deadline-driven, project based work it was very inconsistent and difficult to know how many hours I would be working each week. This was stressful and I couldn't take on big projects. Even if I could hire help, that person would have to be very, very flexible. Well, when #2 came a long I had no time to fit in my work so I have stopped taking on projects. We are ''ok'' financially--being very careful with money and living a humble lifestyle. I never feel that I miss working--I just miss the paycheck. I have other creative outlets for that side of myself and I definitely miss it when I can't find time to create for me. I find spending time with my children a much more rewarding experience then working. I feel that this time with them is going by quickly so I am trying to savour it. But, I wonder will I regret not keeping my ties to my old career? Taking on little projects kept me connected, but I have no time for that now. My oldest will be in part time Kindergarten in the fall, but my youngest won't be in preschool for another 18 months so that will put me farther behind. Juggling two kids with work seems so crazy, especially if you don't really crave the work. Will I regret taking time off work? If I do need to find work again in a few years will it be impossible for me to find it if I haven't been working all this time? I have always found a job easily and feel that if I really wanted to work again I could. Am I being naive? I need a role model--someone in a deadline-driven, creative field who has managed to balance work and family. Most of the moms I know in this field just had kids, so I don't have a real example of someone who has found this balance. I guess I just want to know that I will still be able to find work once I decide to start doing it again. -Anon

I too feel perfectly happy not working but wonder if in the future I'll wish I had done more. I have decided that I won't live in fear or doing something counter to my current instinct of fear in the future. Sure lots of people will say if you don't do something now you may never have an option, but I just am not going to buy into that kind of fear. I figure I can have what I want when I want it and if in 3-5 years I want to work, I can make it happen then. That said, I am thinking of a class or two, a conference or two. Frankly though my motivation a little low on that front.

I just think life is too short to change something you love doing for the fear of maybe not having what you want in the future. That's my take, good luck anon

I can't tell you how glad I am that I stayed home with my children for those early years. I, too, tried to work on a project basis while they were young and I could never swing it. (Seems the important issues always came up on the day the baby wouldn't nap! Or I'm in the middle of a call when the kids start fighting...that's always nice.) I did enjoy my SAHM status while I had it, but I also dreamed of working (both for fulfillment and for the paycheck). Now I am sentimental about the old days and can honestly say I spent as much time with them as I should have! They are young for only such a short time. When they're both in school full- time, you'll be more than ready to go back!

In the meantime, I suggest treating your back-to-work plan as your part-time job. Just because you choose not to go back to work doesn't mean you have to cut ties with your career. Keep in touch with your professional contacts...occasional e-mails, even meeting them occasionally for lunch during the work day. If you were involved in any professional organizations, attend a meeting or function once in awhile. Stay up-to-date on your industry (technology, trends, etc.) and maybe attend a conference every 6-12 months if that is relevant to your position. You might find that keeps you feeling connected, and instead of the door to your career closing, it just keeps revolving! Good luck! Grateful Stroller

Secondly, here's my take. I worked in publishing for years as a writer and editor. I was a managing editor when I decided to work part-time freelance from home. (My youngest was about 5 months old when I quit.) At first I worked because I wasn't ready to give up that part of my life. But as you pointed out, working in a deadline-driven job with two little kid is hell. I eventually scaled back to maybe 10 hrs/week, plus I got help with the kids. Basically, it turned my job into a hobby that just paid for itself.

After years of that, I stopped working altogether. That was actually really nice and I could have done it for a lot longer, but when the economy started falling apart, I got freaked out about being a one-income family and being so dependent on my husbandC",b"s job, health, etc.

Now, I am editing books freelance here and there to keep myself sharp and connected. Like you, I've never had trouble picking up work, but I was worried that my luck would run out with so many extremely talented people out of work with fresh experience and contacts. I feel that I cannot risk letting my skills and industry connections go stale.

Even though my kids are older, it is still difficult to balance things. I allow myself time between assignments so I don't feel too stretched all the time. Maybe you could do that? Just do two or three projects a year? One thing that helps is that I have to tell my kids to respect my work time. I think it is good for them to see me working and learn that they cannot pull on me and demand my immediate attention 24/7. You also need to get buy-in from your partner. That is crucial. My husband and kids have to do more around the house when I am working, which I think is good for them.

I hope hearing my experience with this has helped you in some way. Maybe when/if your toddler starts preschool, you can set a few hours a day aside for working? And then, as I said earlier, only take on a few projects a year? If you end up really hating it or cannot find the balance between home and work you need, then stop. YouC",b"ve already said you love being a SAHM, so it isnC",b"t a bad plan B. That's the good thing about freelance, you can let it ebb and flow as your time and temperament allow. Personally, I am just worried about the economy right now and have seen so many people I know have to sell their houses, borrow money from their parents, and make other sacrifices due to losing jobs or investment money.

Good luck. I don't thing you can make a ''wrong'' decision in this case, which is probably why it is so difficult.

Can't decide whether to quit my job to stay at home

I can't decide whether to quit my lucrative, and relatively easy, public sector job in order to spend more time with my 7 month old daugher. My boss absolutely won't let me go to a reduced schedule. I could easily find consulting work with more flexibility, but would miss out on the benefits (especially the retirement) of this job. OTOH, I am missing out on being around for my daugher, most likely my only child (I am in my early 40s). For those Moms who quit, any regrets? How has it worked out as your child got older and entered pre-school and school? d

Having said all that, the reason I said earlier that I wish I could switch places with you was that I want my husband to retire earlier. In addition, I have an older child from a previous marriage and now that she is ready to graduate from college and enter the working world, I cannot relate to her the way I wish I could. I was in college at the same time as she was and both she and my elementary school child were able to talk about school, homework, tests and even though it was at different levels, it was fun and really brought us very close together.

So I think it's a catch-22, on the one hand, you want to be at home with your children, on the other, how can you resucitate a career after so long out of the workforce?

It's hard to provide the best for your family. As commuting times increase and we become more reliant on technology, it seems, we get further away from our core, our family. A real dilemma. I wish you good luck with your search for the right balance. Super Mom wannabe

I think a life coach might be a good route for you since you have a specific issue. It would be great to have someone think through how YOU want your life to look and feel and then come up with a plan that you believe in for achieving it. I love Toni Littlestone (528-2221) but there are I am sure many people who would be happy to help you think it through. I encourage you to do this instead of jumping to a rash decision that might not be the best one for your situation and desires. Figuring it out myself

5 years later, I can honestly say I don't regret my decision at all. My kids are both in school now, and I can pick them up and take them to do things, have their friends over, and so on. If they are sick, my husband and I don't have to go into strategic planning mode to deal with it. So many kids have to get dropped off early at on-site childcare and get picked up from there hours after school is over. Many of these parents don't have a choice, so I'm not criticizing them. I'm just grateful that we have enough income that I can be here with my kids and still work a little doing what I enjoy. I doubt you'll regret it. And if you can consult, do it. Because if you find you're not the stay-at-home type, your resume will be fresh and you can try to reenter the workforce with current jobs on your resume. Good luck. anon

For one thing, we don't have to pay for childcare, although we do pay for health insurance (my husband is also self-employed). But the most important thing is that my schedule is flexible, I think our son has benefitted from it, and I know I'm not missing out on any of his development. Although I get bored and miss work at times, I still work part-time. I figure this time while he's a toddler will pass soon enough, and I don't want to regret not spending it with him (and our next one, due early next year). Colleen

But, I feel like the benefits that my kids have received have out weighed that. Our lives are so much less stressful. My kids enjoyed preschool without having to be there all day. You get a lot of time to understand your kid & their needs. I always thought that once my daughter started kindergarten that I would have lots of spare time & could get a job. But, I have found out that mothers are the reason schools are successful. Schools need help with yard duty, library, volunteering in the classroom, fund raising...5 years ago this would have sounded like torture but now I can see the value. Anyway, I'm trying to say that every year I find more reasons to stay home. Some kind of consulting work would be great, but I would not want to return to work full-time as long as I have the financial means to stay at home. roz

My typical day consists of making the kids breakfast and getting them off to school. I then have a couple of hours in which I typically take care of all the household nitty gritty: cleaning, shopping, doing finances, paperwork and volunteering at the schools. After I pick up the kids it is homework time. After an hour or so of downtime we are back out again for sports activities. Upon our return, we have a sit down (homemade) family meal, then showers, reading and bedtime for the kids. Weekends then get taken up by more sports, social engagements, and I try to keep sunday completely unscheduled for us.

I don't know how I would get all this done if I had a job on top of it all. Are there much more efficient ways of getting things done that I don't know about?

If you work outside the home what is your typical schedule and when does it all get done? wondering how others do it

Thinking about quitting my job to stay at home

I need advice and support on the issue of becoming a stay-at- home-mom. I am married and have a five year old and 8 month old baby. I have been working as an attorney part-time and am due to go back full time next month. I have been unhappy at my job for some time and have decided to quit before I go back full time. In addition to staying home with the baby and having more time for the 5 year old, my husband and I are hoping to improve our quality of life with only one parent working outside the home. We are exaughsted all the time (order lots of take-out, barely feed the cat, house is a disaster). I feel constantly overwhelmed and am impatient with my older child. On the other hand, the financial stress when I quit will also play a role (It will be MAJOR).

I am scared and feel a bit lost about this process. I am also worried about getting bored with playing with the kids and feeling guilty if I just schlep them around to do errands all the time.

I would love any ideas on how to make it through without just trading one type of stress for another. changing mom

The money issue is hard, too, and I confess that I take on weekend work once a month or so just for the income. It only breaks us even, though, so I've just been trying (not always successfully) to not lust after ''things'' and live more simply (no fancy vacations for us, no major housework, inexpensive or no new clothes, no gymboree, a grocery budget, etc.). I throw away catalogs without looking at them and avoid retail at all costs. My boy is already looking so big to me, I try to remind myself that its him that I'll remember and not the fact that our dressers are ugly and we can't afford new ones. If you have friends in a similar situation, connect with them now. If not, consider networking here or with a more formal mother's group.

Good luck and congratulations again to you. I think you have some sweet summer days ahead. Rebecca

A key may be using some of the skills you acquired while working (organization, teamwork, negotiation) while learning to live on ''baby time'' (hurry up and wait). If you go out and find them there are moms like you in the East Bay, and the potential for wonderful friendships exists. Please feel free to contact me with questions and for support in a less public forum. I think you are making a good choice. Heather

As an example, it is now summer break and instead of having to spend thousands on summer camps I can take my kids on adventures we all enjoy: rollerskating, beaches, museums, biking, etc. When I need a week or two to myself for rest I can enroll them in a one or two week camp. When you work full time (unless you teach) you scramble each spring to fill up your child's entire summer with camps, schools, etc. Since you have a child that is entering regular school you will have a much greater view into their world if you actively particpate in their school, get to know their friends, etc. Our children attend a well regarded public school and I do notice a unintentional division that occurs between those kids whose mothers work and those that do not, mainly due to stay at home moms' availability for weekday play dates, after school activities, etc. You also develop your own relationships this way that you will need to keep your sanity.

I also feel like I'm living a life of luxury when compared to the time crunch I experienced when working and commuting. While the kids are in school I can spend at least an hour or two doing something for myself whether it's working out, hiking, taking a class etc. I just feel like a much more balanced person now that I am home full time. In the end, so many mothers must work full time. If you have the choice you are fortunate. You can always return to work if being a full time mom doesn't suit you, but you can never retreive that lost time with your children during their most tender years. anon

I really don't make it to any specialty shops anymore and I don't stress about. If the grocery store has it, I buy it there. Tuesday I go walking with friends, wed is a free day so we stay home or go to a park, Thursday is my baby swap day for two hours, Friday is my hiking day. The lunch/afternoon time is pretty much the same everyday. I put mine and my children's fun in front of every thing else (except husband) and I make sure I have plenty of friends that I interact with. Most of what I'm doing is free. I make exceptions for the mom's groups because that's my support group. I am not stressed. I am relaxed and very content. Also, keep in mind that if you are a type A personality and think you will be bored, get creative. Redirect your energy as an attorney. Think of all the women who have done great things because they stayed home (ie. the women who wrote Super Baby Food, the mystery writer, and others). Have fun with your kids! tief

I think the phrase ''you can have it all'' still applies but not at the same time. Something will definitely suffer if one tries to do too many things at once or if one does not have at least one parent who is able to spend a lot of time with the kids. The situation with two professional parents with executive jobs makes it particularly challenging with kids. In terms of moving forward, I suggest getting involved with classes or activities with your child as well as meeting up with a mom's group. This will enable you to interact regularly with other interesting moms. retired investment banker

But, at least in my experience, the rewards of being a stay-at- home parent are great. Some thoughts:
1. I wake up in the morning with my kids and instead of rushing off to childcare/work as I used to, I get to ask them, “What do you want to do today?” The day is open and ours to discover.
2. Spending so much time with my kids, I know my kids so well and get to experience their thoughts and emotions as they happen.
3. I like being a major influence in teaching my kids certain values, beliefs, and how to navigate their way in the world. When people compliment my kids and say, “Oh, you have such nice kids,” I try not to be too egocentric and think it’s because of me ;-) but having spent a lot of time with my kids, at least I see how they got that way.
4. I get to discover--or rediscover—new interests as my kids explore them. Since my son has become interested in astronomy and biology, we’ve both embarked upon a journey to learn and experience as much as we can in depth on the subjects…much more interesting than my former line of work.
5. I enjoy putting on “play clothes” every day and expect them to be messy with dirt and sweat at the end of the day (I have boys), instead of having to dress up for the office. And I’m saying this as a former dress-up professional gal with a habit for Banana Republic clothes and corporate-babe shoes. Okay, it was an adjustment to shop for my clothes at Target and Old Navy (on sale!), but I will say this—I don’t ever want another job where I have to dress up and go to the office every day.
6. My husband has a lot of stress at his job—and not everyone he works with loves him at the end of the day. Being at home with the kids is my full-time job. At the end of the day, I know my kids (and husband) love me. That makes my “job” so much more rewarding than any job I’ve had before. I tell people that I consider myself “lucky” to have the opportunity to stay at home with my kids—-a lot of my friends say, “Oh, I’d love to stay home with my kids but we can’t afford it on one income.” But really, it has less to do with luck as it does a willingness to do it this way (we are not a high-income family so it is a big financial hit to live this way). Bottom line, though, I’ve never regretted my decision to quit work and stay home with my kids, and sometimes I wonder why I didn’t do this sooner.

Your kids are young for such a short window of time—and you’re not going to get that time back, ever. Being a stay-at-home parent is stressful and overwhelming, kind of like training for an extreme endurance sport every day, but so worth it…I say go for it and good luck. Another stay-at-home parent

It's inevitable that you'll be running errands with your kids, I find it's easiest to do while my 4 year old is in preschool so that I only have to deal with one. I just try to balance it with a children's activity so that my 1 year old gets some play time as well. The reward of doing those errands during the week is that you have your weekends free and the stores are generally a lot less crowded.

Another benefit of being a stay at home mom is the flexibility - I love that we can change our schedule if it's a beautiful day and just head to the beach or whatever. Good luck to you! Jackie

Consider it a management opportunity. For an ambitious person, staying at home can feel like a demotion, but it doesn't have to (feel that way). I view my job as running this household, and I keep my lists, I make phone calls, I plan meals, I do the shopping and all that time, I take care of my daughter. It helps that my husband places great value on the work I do, and lets me run with the whole ''Chief Operating Officer'' title (though I suspect it amuses him a bit).

Plan activities for your kids. There are oodles of books about games and crafts and activities you can do with the kids, and having a few things planned each week may be fun for all of you (well, both of you until your 8 month old is a little bigger). Cultivate hobbies and interests. When I have time, I am learning to sew, doing a little decorating, trying out new recipes. I'd like to sit down at the piano a little more, read a few more books, learn to garden. With one child, some of these things are possible; when my second arrives, I expect the time will diminish, but just knowing that my life extends beyond cleaning and changing diapers gives me a sense of dimension, like I'm still here under this 'Mom' title.

Keep the big picture in mind. Early on, I kept thinking about how long it would be until I could go back to work, but as time has passed, I think more about the kind of home I am trying to provide for my family. I want our home to be a safe place for us to return to when the world outside our door is cruel; I want it to be a place where our kids and their friends gather and spend time; I want to create serenity for my family because things are orderly, saving weekend time for more fun stuff.

I can't imagine how hurried our life would feel if I was working, and I'm grateful that my husband's income allows me to stay home. Hopefully, when it all nets out, the financial hit will not be as bad as you expect. As a homemaker, I think I can feel brain cells dying sometimes, but then I also notice that my mind is growing in completely new directions, too. I do laugh at this ''new me'' - I never, in a million years, expected to be happy being ''Holly Homemaker'', but at some point, I realized that the ultimate irony would be to sacrifice my career to stay home with my child(ren) and then miss their childhood because I was so wrapped up in a ''Am I happy or am I not?'' quandry. I may go back to school someday or back to work, but it seems sort of distant and irrelevant right now, since I don't know who I'll be when that time comes, and what I might want to do. Hope that helps! Happy Holly

In my observation of the SAHM's I know, the happiest/most content appear to be the ones that have sufficient means to do lots of activities with their kids (classes, etc.) and/or hire a sitter regularly for a break. Since we are on one income and it is a stretch, there isn't room for me to hire a sitter for my baby so I can have my own time. My solution has been to do a childcare swap with another SAHM. You can use the Childcare Digest for this. Just remember this means for every break you get, you also have a time with two babies.

Also, I think I have mastered the free and cheap things to do in the East Bay to keep things interesting for the kids. If you haven't already, join the Oakland Zoo and one of the science centers (Cal Academy, Zeum, Chabot, LHS) and you will have reciprocal discounts at all of the other zoos and science centers in the area. Add to that plagrounds, parks, and free beach areas and you will have enough variety for yourself and your kids.

As far as schlepping the kids around, this does happen, but what I do is try to make one day each week the schlep day. My older daughter knows the drill so its just part of her routine, too. Every Wednesday, we grocery shop, stop at Longs, whatever, and sometimes I reward her for being a good helper for the day (her favorite dinner that evening or a short video). If you can get most of the week's errands done in one day, you can focus more on the fun outings for the rest of the week. It also means that there is hopefully less busy stuff to do on the weekends and you can spend time with your husband doing family things. Good luck! Elizabeth

- Public school for the 5-year-old. Most of them are a lot better than you might think. Don't spend scarce money on private school. Also, many schools have good afterschool activities for a nominal cost. Don't feel guilty about using these because having two kids at home is HARD.

- Look into co-op daycare or preschool for the little one. You do need SOME time without a child for difficult errands or time for yourself. Co-op can mean trading off with a friend. If you don't know anyone yet, go to your local parks and playgroups. You'll soon meet wonderful people. These relationships are good support and will keep you from going crazy.

- There have been many good money saving tips published in these newsletters. Mostly they involve shopping at certain stores and cooking everything for yourself. I hope some of the threads have been archived, but to summarize: Eating out (as well as take-out) is by far the biggest money burner I can think of. Trading off dinner with friends (preferably ones who can cook!) gives you a respite from the kitchen and entertainment for free. Now that you don't work, you can go to Trader Joe's, Costco and Monterey Market in the morning before things get crazy, and I find these to be fun trips for the little one (though not always for the 5-year-old). Rent movies, listen to the radio (rather than buying CDs), watch the ballgame on TV, use the public library.

- Before you quit, get a line of credit on your house (if you have a house and enough equity). It'll be easier while you have a job and it will be your back-up. When I quit working, we cut our income by 60%! Yeah that's right, I was the big earner, but it's the best thing we've ever done. Our lives are much better and I'm perfectly happy being a mom and a housekeeper. It's been 4 years and we're doing pretty well. we occasionally have to dig into our equity line for a big ticket item, but the house is going up in value so I think it's justified. Glad I did it - you can too!

Resenting my husband because I can't quit my job

I am looking for some advice from other working mothers out there who although may be satisified with their work, might at times feel resentment towards their husbands or their situation due to the fact that they ''have to'' work due to the fact that their husbands do not make enough for the whole family to live off one income.(oh yeah, we live in the bay area)

Since I returned to work (when my son was 4 months old, he is now 2) I always felt working part time with one child was managable and I have felt so lucky to have the best of both worlds- a career and being available to my son. At times the balance is really tough because I work in the city and work a 10 hour day with an additional time for the commute and I have moments when I really miss my son and feel like I need to stay home with him. I always figured I would eventually take time off when I had a second child as our quality of life with two parents working would definately suffer. Not to mention, I have been feeling as though it was time for a career change and i would welcome the time off while I searched for a new job when my kids went to school.

My husband and I have talked about wanting a second child and also buying a home (should we stay here) but to afford a home I would have to work and to afford quality child care as we have provided for our first born, we would need my income again- I may even have to go back full time since child care for two children would be very costly.

I know everyone has a choice in life and plenty of people try to live off of one income but we do live in the bay area we have run the numbers and we cannot do it unless we were to rent a one- bedroom apartment! We do not live extravagent lives but we are also realistic of how much we can live off of- and my husband's income is just not enough.

I can't help but feel recentment towards my husband for not earning more to give us more flexibilty. Before I had children I thought I could handle both a career and children but I am finding it more and more difficult and the thought have having two children and a full time job makes me so depressed- for several reasons- the first not being able to raise my children and the everyday chaos associated with two working parents- I just feel like everyone will suffer.... in the end the kids will be alright but it is me and my marraige I worry about!

I know this is the bay area and a majority of families are two income. How do you handle the day to day? For those who may have had some recentment towards your partners for not making enough- how do you make peace with this?? Did any of you make career moves that would allow for a more flexibility with your family? I would like to encourage my husband to think about other positions (in his field) that may allow him a higher earning potential but part of me says I just have to own up to reality and cope!! I never wanted to feel locked into a job for money but that is how I feel and what's worse is that I feel it is at the expense of my children.

Any advice out there???
Resentful Working Mom

My experience is similar to yours where I was totally a career person before kids and thought I would be able to keep my job momentum and have a baby, too. It turns out, that I went to 4 days after my first baby was born and now, with baby #2, I am basically a SAHM (some freelance at home). I went through lots of opinions and emotions about my husband's income and wanting him to earn more (which is ironic since I used to be so proud of being the higher-earner previously). It is such the double-edged sword of marriage in today's society/economy--we want women to earn as much as men, but we also want men to earn enough that we women can live with just their income. Tough to do in the bay area!

If I were you, I would have a full discussion with your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Clearly you have some resentment, but you also sound just stressed and tired. Do you need more time to yourself? Alone with your husband? Sleep? You should also to talk about what both of your priorities are. Is the bay area TOO expensive for you, based on these priorities? Are you able to do the career change you talked about? When would you want a second child?

I never thought we could do it, but we are managing to get by on just one income for now. We live very economically (luckily we bought our house before we had kids). We talk about our budget a lot. I know my husband works really hard, so I try not to focus on his income.

Good luck and hang in there! Elizabeth

It is a real balancing act in the Bay Area. I tend to be resentful that things are so expensive here, but I don't consider that my husband's fault. We work together as a team to try to cope, and stay here because of all the friends, family, school, church, and people dear to us here.

I would strongly encourage you to consider moving away from the Bay Area if you want to be a Stay at Home mother. We can't necessarily have it all--we have to pick and choose whether the advantages of living in the Bay Area outweigh the disadvantages of having both parents work, having children in childcare, having a small house with a big mortgage and never enough money to do all the things we wish we could do. anon

I grew up with the notion that I would go to college, get a great job, work my tail off and fall madly in love with a man, get married and raise my kids at home. Lo and behold, I just went back to work last week.

My hubby and I crunched the numbers and for me to stay home that would mean selling our house. We just bought it last year.

So, I know how you feel. The bay area is a major let down when it comes to home buying. My husband and I make pretty decent money but it still doesn't seem to be enough for the bay area. We moved into suburbia.

Keep your head up. Do what is best for you and your family.

:) Back to work but would rather be with my son

Now, from a breadwinner perspective, I can't imagine coming home to someone who resented me for not earning more, when I am working my butt off every day to provide. I assume you knew your husband's earning power when you married him - I did and I have to remind myself of this - and you knew that the bay area was an expensive place to live. Your resentment of your husband actually sounds like a childish perspective, as if you expected him to provide for you as your parents did - hence the term ''sugar daddy.'' If you approached this more from a partnership perspective - how can WE change this situation to make BOTH of us happier - I think you would get more cooperation from your husband.

In the current job market, which seems to be improving but not all that quickly, I'm not sure it's as easy as compelling your husband to find a higher-paying job in his field. Indeed, you may consider yourselves fortunate that neither of you is facing involuntary unemployment. anon

Perhaps this viewpoint is more obvious to me because, before we had a child, it was always my husband, not me, who thought it would be nice to be an at-home parent. Now that I've had a baby I understand the attraction more, to be sure, but although I'd love to work part-time I can't imagine doing the full-time mom gig. But then, I've never been interested in the type of Major Career that requires long hours and lots of dedication and allows no opportunity for a full personal and social life, either. Neither has my husband. So, we both have a sufficient but not large income, and we both have sufficient flexibility to take the odd day off for a preschool function but not enough to just quit working for a long period of time. Life is a series of choices and no choice is perfect! I think you make peace with your own choices simply by recognizing that you *do* have a choice and have made the best possible one for your family.

So you and your husband may have some choices to make. A job change for him, which might involve more money but less family time? Stay in the Bay Area, with all its advantages, or a move to a cheaper area? A second child, or stop at one? What about a job change for you? These are all things you can discuss and ponder, but ultimately you and your husband have to take responsibility for these choices and deal with the attendant compromises *together*; to me, that's what marriage is all about. Wasn't expecting a white knight

If you don't feel comfortable asking your husband to leave a job that he enjoys, maybe you might consider doing something that would be more flexible and allow you more time with your child. Because we are not supposed to advertise our individual businesses on this forum, I will be fairly vague. But I will say that I work in the Direct Sales industry (I would have gasped to hear myself say that only a year ago!) and really love it. I really love the freedom to run my business as I wish and also love the fact that there is unlimited potential and loads of positive reinforcement. I recently went to a conference and was surprised to find corporate people who had quit their 6 figure salaries to do what I am doing. They wanted to focus on their kids, and their former jobs did not allow this. They are now happy to be with their families, but still bring in good income. There are different types of Direct sales companies, so there is probably one that could suit your interests: toys, candles, cooking tools, scrapbooking, home decor, etc...

If you'd like to discuss this avenue further, I'd be happy to share more details about what I am doing. I also know several people in other branches of this type of business and would be happy to put you in contact with them.

Best Wishes, Happy mom...who loves her flexible work schedule

I think you need to change your attitude and get creative with other ways to bring in income or adjust your life styles to make staying at home a more affordable option. We looked at our budget and saw that just having my husband take a lunch to work several times a week instead of eating out added up to a lot of money. We check books out of the library instead of just buying them. We make coffee at home more often instead of going to cafes. anon

Someone once gave me this advice -- You can't change someone's behavior, only how you react to it.

So rather than let the resentment eat away at me and our relationship (he is a loving caring man, just a software engineer who got caught in the dot com craziness), I decided to do something. I told my partner that I have to leave my job because it makes me unhappy. So we are saving money, cutting our costs, and I plan to leave this year. And he continues to look for a job. We will most certainly go into debt but being unhappy in my job was a big part of my resentment towards my husband and my desire to stay at home. I plan on finding another career that allows me to work at home. I may be naive, but I'm putting my faith in the universe that we will be okay. Look at what you really resent -- is it your job? is it your husband's lack of understanding of your desire to stay at home? or? Then, you and only you can do something to change your life. Good luck anon

I work from home. My job pays a high hourly rate. We use a health plan with a high deductible. We live aggressively on the edge of financial ruin. We recently bought a home in a nice but not fancy area. Our mortgage is interest only adjustable for minimum monthly payments. We do not own new or even newer cars. We rarely eat out and we don't shop much. We may not have a second child due to financial constraints.

But life is good!! We get to spend lots of time with our daughter because we both have flexible schedules. We take it one day at a time and focus on her. If my husband worked a straight 9-5 job he would be a very unhappy busy person who we would not see very often. I much prefer worrying about how we will pay our monthly bills than about how I can improve my daughter's realtionship with her Dad.

You have to take responsibility for the situation you are in. Be creative and find the compromise that works for your family. Your husband probably won't make more money anytime soon so figure out a way around that. I get upset sometimes too about my husband's income but the alternative of him working all the time would be so much worse. Living on the Edge and Loving It