Long Commutes and Family Time
Berkeley Parents Network >
Advice >
Working & Careers >
Long Commutes and Family Time
Jan 2006
Hi there,
Help us! We need some ideas and advice on what to do!
The situation is:
My husband, after years of working for (and getting laid off
from,) start ups....ones he usually didnt really like ....has
found a job doing stuff he loves AND is at a company that is not
going to go belly up. The downside is...its in Redwood City, and
we live in Berkeley.
He has been doing the commute now for about 6 months...and it
sucks! He is not home usually until 7:30 or 8pm, by that time our
two kids (7 and 9) are in bed or very close to it. Most nights he
is either to tired, or just doesnt get home in time to even read
a story. He has tried going in early and leaving early, but even
leaving at 4pm the traffic is so bad it takes him 2+ hours to get
home. We are trying to get pregnant again....and i had a vision
the other day of, not only being alone with the kids and the
puppy every afternoon and eve, but then adding an infant to that?
My heart raced just thinking about it!
The reason we havent packed up already is that we LOVE Berkeley.
We own a home very close to downtown, and although its a fixer,
and nowhere near being done, it has our blood, sweat and tears in
it. We love the community, and our circle of friends we have
developed.
But, i also love my husband, ...and i love having a weekday
co-parent.
What do you think?
Are there eastbay-ish area's on that side of the bay? Towns that
have local coffee shops, farmers markets and dog friendly video
stores? (that last one isn't a necessity, i just love Reel though!)
I know that its not that far to visit friends if we move, but, i
have just become attached to Berkeley.
As for me, i am a student and have the abilty to transfer to
either San Jose State or Sf State with it not being a big loss.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts..........
cris
We were in a similar situation a few years ago except my
husband was attending graduate school at Stanford and we lived
in Berkeley. Luckily we did not have children at the time. The
commute took an awful toll on our relationship, and I
reluctantly moved to Menlo Park. I did not think I could love
living down there but I actually did! There was less crime, so
many things to do, great book stores and farmer's markets and
beautiful places to just hop on your bike and cycle forever.
Later we had children and lived again in Berkeley, and I
(again) still couldn't accept living somewhere else in the Bay
Area. And I did. Yes, Berkeley is a wonderful place to live,
but you would be surprised at how you will take to a new
community and make it yours.
As a spouse of an attorney, who spends most nights alone with
the kids, I will tell you that it is far better to MOVE than to
risk marital problems or have the continued stress of that kind
of commute. And that commute - Redwood City to Berkeley - is a
bad commute. It will also be far better for your children to
see your spouse, and reduce the stress on your parenting.
in favor of moving
Stop....you are complicating your life as it is. You are a
student, a mother of two and take care of the home? What else do
you need, please take a breather. If you love Berkeley, stay in
Berkeley; because you have your support group there. Your
children are 7 and 9, you just have to tell them to go to bed and
see their father in the morning.Even if your husband will come
earlier to home, he will be tired all the same.Having a third
child will not solve any problems, will aggravate them. This is
the bay area, all the husbands come around 8:00pm. Unless you
decide to move, where you are not going to have the same support
group, and environement. Finish your studies, get a job; wait a
couple of years, by then if you still want to have a third child
do it.I have a 20,17 and a 5 year old.No biggie.
Seen this before
Hi there! I wanted to respond because we were recently in a very
similar situation. We lived in Oakland and my husband commuted
to his job in Redwood City. We managed this for about 6 mos.
before he hit the wall and just couldn't do it anymore. I was
VERY reluctant to move and sort of dragged my feet about the
whole thing. Well, we've since moved to Mountain View and we
couldn't be happier! Really! For one thing, we're saving a ton
of money on gas and bridge tolls. My husband is way less
stressed out because he doesn't have to sit in traffic for at
least an hour each way. (And what an awful way to start and end
your day... dreading the commute!). We have lots more space for
the same amount of money. And the community is wonderful! We're
very close to downtown Mountain View which has an abundance of
little shops and restaurants and parks. The Sunday farmers
market is excellent! (Although I do miss Berkeley Bowl...).
Anyway, my advice is to move - not just for your husband, but
for you too! My favorite part of our new living situation is
that my husband and I see each other lots more - and he's much
happier when he walks through the door at night. And that's
totally worth it.
enjoying my happy new home!
Your situation sound very familiar. We lived on the peninsula for
3 years before buying our house in Oakland two years ago. My
husband still works in Foster City, though, and I work in San
Jose! We love the Easy Bay--our old house, our friends, our
neighborhood. We have our first child due any day now, so
concerns about the time and energy spent commuting are on our
minds, and we often think of quitting here and moving back over
the bay.
My husband and I both came from the East Bay originally, and to
be honest we were not able to find an ''eastbay-ish'' area on the
peninsula. People are friendly enough, schools are good, and a
few places have proper, walkable downtown areas and are
dog-friendly. But if it's cultural diversity and quirkly politics
and general funkiness that you enjoy, you may find the peninsula
lacking. We found it to be fairly homogeneous culturally (or,
when not, segregated instead), and generally conservative. San
Carlos itself was very much a 50's retirement town, and as a
young couple we felt very isolated. Mountain View has the best in
the way of a true downtown, but in a city where apartments
outnumber houses, the MV housing market is prohibitive for us.
Redwood City itself was starting to look promising just as we
moved away, so there may be something to look into there.
I'll be reading the advice from other people along with you, in
the hopes that we missed something in our time there. If we could
carry Berkeley over the bay with us, we would, too!
Good luck!
Kelly
I'm a Life Decision Coach - I help people with this kind of hard
decision.
Some questions that may be helpful for you:
-How long does your husband anticipate being in this job?
-What are all of the things you and your husband care about that
are affected by this decision? (commute time, Berkeley friends,
Berkeley-type community, your school situation, time with kids,
time with each other,...)
-How would each of these be impacted by moving?
-Have you looked around different communities on the Peninsula?
If so, could you see yourselves living in any of them?
Good luck!
Dave
Hi,
I thought I would write as someone who grew up on the
Peninsula, has moved to Berkeley and did the commute from
Berkeley to Palo Alto for about six months. I have family that
lives in Belmont and Redwood Shores.
We lived on the Peninsula for about 7 years. Having done the
commute from Berkeley to Stanford, I really empathize with how
difficult it is (I quit my job and am now in graduate school).
Now in terms of the Peninsula, I would say that the first major
difference is that Berkeley is really a city, an urban area and
the Peninsula is the suburbs. That has changed over time as
more business have set up their offices in Redwood City, San
Carlos, San Mateo etc. Redwood City has a great Saturday
Farmers Market (it may not run all year). Lots of organic
vegetables, artists and usually live music. Redwood City has
done a lot to revitalize their downtown area and it has some
coffee shops and restraunts and live jazz during the summer.
San Carlos also has a great downtown area with lots of
independent restraunts (reasonably priced - in fact they have a
great kid friendly sports bar that is one of the places we
miss). In addition, Redwood City has Signoria Market which is
open all year and which has expanded to include organic meats
and pastas. They also have beautiful flowers. I would say that
both San Carlos and Redwood City downtowns are similair to what
you find on Solano Avenue. There are a number of great parks
in the area as well.
I would offer one word of caution, if you opt to move, then
really live into the move and make a life on the Peninsula. At
different point in our lives we moved to Castro Valley but
maintained most of our life on the Peninsula which meant we
spent all our time in the car. It was really hard. When we
made the decision to move to Berkeley, we really intentionally
chose to make a life here and fell in love with it. I wouldn't
advise trying to live life in 2 places.
Best of luck and hope this helps. Please feel free to contact
me if you want more information, places to check out etc.
Margaret mm_sequeira@hotmail.com
It's never taken me 2+ hrs to get from Redwood City to Berkeley,
nor the other way around. The traffic can be awful, but I don't
believe it is that bad every day (pre-holiday period an
exception). YOu could try getting into a carpool, so he'd have
to come and go with the carpool, and he won't be as tired since
he may not be driving (he could even potentially find a
vanpool). They used to have an organization for that -try
511.org to begin. Try that first if you don't want to move.
There are plenty of communities that you may be happy with over
there, and there are even some things that are better than
berkeley-safer, better weather, not so stressful just to get to
a store, etc. San Mateo might be the place to start looking,
but it's ALL a bit pricier too. And just go check out all the
downtowns of these various places, and maybe you'll find
something you'll like. You'd probably love Palo Alto, which has
a fabulous downtown, and the libraries are great, the parks are
great, the weather is great, you can walk around safely, police
even come when you call about noisy neighbors. But it's pricey,
pricey, pricey.
I'd move, in a heartbeat. Is Berkeley _really_ worth the
sacrifices your whole family is making???
There are lots of little downtown areas on the Peninsula, and
some of them might appeal to you. Palo Alto and Menlo Park are
very expensive, of course ... but check out Mountain View,
Redwood City, San Carlos, San Mateo, Burlingame ... I'm sure
there are others. Spend a few weekends down there and see what
feels comfortable.
Family time is precious.
-- Hates commuting
We live in Oakland and I also commute to Redwood City most days
for a full time job that I really like. Although I hate the
commute and often people make comments to me about what a pain it
must be to drive all that way, we have never thought about moving
away from Oakland. Yes I wish I had more time with our child but
since we are both full time working parents we try to share
duties so we both can enjoy as much time as possible with our
child. She is on our schedule so she eats with us for dinner
every night and goes to bed probably a bit later than some kids
but she is fine and we enjoy the evenings we all share together.
We love the east bay - our family and friends are all here and we
savor the weekends when we can enjoy what the east bay has to
offer. We take advantage of the parks, restaurants, etc. Like you
said - we have put in a lot to our house and would not want to
move away from it. Plus everything on the Peninsula is SO much
more expensive.
Maybe he can leave later in the mornings knowing he will be home
later or work from home sometimes so he can see the kids more?
Unfortunately the Bay Area is expensive and we all commute crazy
distances for jobs we really like. It is just a part of our
culture here and the price we pay to live here.
commuter parent too
When I had two little children and was newly pregnant with a
third, my husband took a job in Hayward. I know it is not as far
away as Redwood City but he left in the morning and we wouldn't
see him until 8 or 9 at night--for many years. It was hard work
but two things helped a lot: First, I decided that we would have
a family meal every day only it was breakfast not dinner. I got
up, set the table, made orange juice, eggs, muffins, whatever,
and we all sat down together. It was work but it made me feel
much better about us as a family. The second thing I did was
hire babysitters in the late afternoons so I could go lap
swimming. I got the routine down to a little over an hour and it
broke up the long afternoon and evening. And I rarely put more
energy into dinner than most people do for breakfast. It worked.
Good luck,
Janet
I would move. Commuting is so hard on a marriage, on both partners! Your
family's short-term happiness, and long-term survival, depends on reducing the
stress caused by such a commute. I understand the pain of leaving your home, but I
hope that you will find a nice place near Redwood City that you will come to love.
Your kids will grow up knowing their father, and you can have all the other things
you stated were so (rightly!) important to you in your post. Good luck.
Jennifer
I will be moving to San Jose next month from El Cerrito and am somewhat dreading
it. I, like you, really love Berkeley and have always been an East Bay gal. I am in a
great coparenting situation with my children's father and he is staying in El Cerrito.
I've yet to find any of the quirkiness that Berkeley has to offer in the South Bay. I
hear that Los Altos (or is it Los Gatos) has some retaurants and shops other than
Buttercup Pantry and The Gap. It remains to be seen. I still will be spending a lot of
time in the East Bay as my boys 3.5 & 7 live there part time but am curious as to
neighborhoods down south that offer what Berkeley offers. If you do make the
move, I would love to perhaps get together for coffee and kids. Maybe we can start a
Berkeley Transplant support group. Let me know in your travels if you come upon
any hidden cool spots.
Amy
I missed the original post (never received the newletter) so maybe this isn't what you
are looking for, but based on the replies I thought I would share another
suggestion. Have you considered Alameda? My husband commutes to Stanford 4
days/week (telecommutes on Fridays) and I work in SF 3 days/week. We have 2 kids.
He carpools and it usually takes him a little over an hour each way. He leaves at 8am
and returns around 7pm or a little earlier. He only has to drive 1 day/week and the
other 3 days he actually naps in the car. For dinner, we all eat when he gets home at
7 (I give the kids ''appetizers'' about an hour before). They start getting ready for
bed at 8. It is not an ideal schedule, and certainly it would be nice if he could leave a
1/2 hour later in the morning and get home a 1/2 hour earlier. But we also looked
for houses on the peninsula and decided against it for all the reasons you know
(cost, diversity, etc.) Alameda works well for us as a small, liveable city, close to my
parents in the East Bay. Someone else already suggested a carpool, which for that
route is only 2 people, so it should be posssible to arrange.
Good luck!
--Happy with Alameda
this page was last updated: Apr 7, 2009
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Please see
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.
Copyright © 1996-2013 Berkeley Parents Network