Our happy 11 month old son seems to take great pleasure in yelling at the top of his lungs. At first we thought this was cute, but now he does it for hours on end and it is getting old, especially since he delights in being very loud in public places like the grocery store, doctors office, restaurants, etc. He has also become very demanding at mealtimes, yelling at us if we are not fast enough with the spoon or the bottle. We try whispering to him, and talking quietly, but he thinks this is a game and often yells even louder. Can anyone recommend ways to encourage him to use a quieter voice?

The bully at daycare

How to Deal With Friend's Aggressive 2-year-old

I should mention, in the spirit of full disclosure, that one of my friends, with a rather bossy and grabby little girl, got rather upset with me when I told her daughter that I was taking the disputed toy away, and then did it. So you should know that not everyone is going to be happy with this method. But it works pretty well for me.

There are a lot of other parents out there whom I admire, and whose children behave according to norms I respect. As a parent capable of critical choices in this regard, I do what I can to have my child interact with the kind of people whose influence on my child I LIKE.

What I most like about my approach is that I have ridden it of any judgement of value (ie, I have no claim at being a better parent) and/or guilt (THERE IS NOTHING WRONG in not trying to please everyone or not wanting to associate with certain people).

As for your specific request on what to tell the mother of this boy, there sometimes is little or no space for discussing something as intimate as childrearing with the parent of another child who is aggressive to one's own, as it leads to conflict or a resolution that might compromise one's values too much. Therefore, do your self a big favor and avoid it being " extremely nerve-wracking ... around this boy" for you, and try to find alternatives that would get you closer to parents and children that won't stress you as much.

Finally, at two years old, some of this behavior is normal, but it is also an age where I believe it behooves parents to quell aggression and begin teaching basic social skills like not grabbing a toy form another kid for example, or, for that matter, not constantly attacking others. Good luck.

Your son is being negatively affected by your friend's son and your friend's lack of appropriate discipline. You say your son is agitated during the time he spends with your friend and her son, and he is acting out by hitting and saying the other boys name. Why put your child in a situation where he is being attacked by an aggressive peer just so you can keep a friendship or avoid an uncomfortable social situation? I think your son's sense of self, sense of efficacy, emotional health and his trust in you that you won't allow him to be hurt is much more important. I assume that you wouldn't want to be put in a situation where you were being hit or bitten by an aggressive peer while someone you loved and trusted to protect you looked on and continued to bring you into that situation. Why do that to your son?

You raised the issue with your friend and then said "I only succeeded in offending her" No, you didn't offend her. She chose to be offended. She could have responded in a number of different ways and she chose to take offense. She wasn't self reflective, she wasn't happy you said something, she didn't commisurate with you about how difficult her son can be, she apparently didn't try to see your point of veiw and then offer to strategize about how to improve the situation, she didn't say "thanks for telling me -- it's great that our friendship allows us to be honest with one another," she didn't appear to be sensitive to the fact that your son was agitated and unhappy because he was being hit and bitten. She got offended. Do you really want friends like that? William

I think a mother's strongest passion is a desire that her child not be hurt. So it is really difficult to be around other kids who are aggressive and who might hurt your kids. It is also nearly impossible to give another parent unwanted advice about their kid without offending them, as you found. So I would say something like "I think our two boys bring out the worst in each other. Maybe we should cool it for a while." This way you aren't putting the blame on her child but you are getting across the message that there is a problem and that you don't want the kids to be together. The aggressiveness may calm down after time and then you can be with your friend again. I think it is pretty typical of two-year-olds to behave in an anti-social way, grabbing, biting, hitting, etc. So try again in a few months.

The happy ending is that this worked beautifully and my son and his friend now play together a LOT, consider each other dear friends, and only rarely have very minor, innocuous squabbles. I'm sure this wouldn't have worked if my neighbor's son's bullying had been pathological, but this was really just a nice kid who was testing the limits, and as soon as he learned he couldn't get away with a bad behavior he easily gave it up.

My child has had a problem with aggressive behavior on and off for years, and it is not because I am not a good parent. It is part of who he is, and how his nervous system is put together. Try to give the other parent the benefit of the doubt in her struggle to understand and work with her child. I know it is hard to understand how a parent could "let" a child behave this way if you have a well-behaved child. But if your child is well-behaved it is *not* just because you are a great parent. It is also because of the temperament of your child, for which you cannot take credit, just as I cannot be blamed for the temperament of mine, though I do take responsibility for working with him on his behavior.

We have had numerous people distance themselves from us, ignore our invitations, avoid us, etc. I always wondered whether it was something about me, or whether it was my son's behavior, and it hurt terribly. Some of these people were close friends. The kindest thing you can do is tell your friend that you and your child are upset about your child being hurt by hers and don't feel comfortable getting together anymore. It is a much kinder and more compassionate thing to do than to just cut them off. I know it is hard, but this is the kind of behavior grownups should aspire to. Write her a note if you can't bear to tell her in person.

1. It is the behavior that is the problem - not the child. My son is sweet, funny, and cheerful - but he still hits. He is not an angry person or a bully - but he still hits. Can you observe the motive behind the behavior? Is the hitting a way of getting attention? Maybe this child needs more frequent adult interaction/approval/direction than his playmates and hitting is a way to get an adult involved in the interaction. Is it there a communication message that he doesn't have alternative behavior/language to express? Is he being playful, but doesn't understand that it's coming across in too rough of a manner? Sometimes my son hits when he's really trying to be affectionate. Is he tired? Hungry? Bored? Over-stimulated? I think any one of these might lead to an aggressive action in some children with a lower tolerance. He might also be sensory defensive or autistic - to name a couple of more serious causes.

2. Don't assume that the behavior is the result of her parenting techniques. Is it possible that rather than being offended, that she was actually embarrassed? Maybe she's secretly concerned about this behavior - and others - but is denying that there's anything wrong. I can't control my son's hitting any more than I can control when he walks verses runs or yells verses whispers. He knows he's not suppose to hit. We've tried everything under the sun that we and others can think of to help him remember not to hit. His younger brother has never hit anyone.

3. Rather than approaching her with the "straighten up your kid or else" approach, you could discuss with her your concerns for your child and hers - and propose that you work together to help him diminish the hurtful actions. Set aside a couple of play dates when you can do less visiting with each other and focus on the interactions between the kids. Actively try to determine if there's something that will cause the other child to act inappropriately. Then work on ways to prevent it - maybe present more or different toys, maybe provide more structure to the play time, maybe take a snack break, maybe spend a few quiet minutes on mommy's lap, maybe keep the visit brief, etc. Also, if she's open to it, you might want to see if she'll let you gently correct and redirect her son's behavior. I have observed that my son will obey directions from other adults much more readily than from either my husband or me. Again, it's not a reflection on our parenting skills, but, rather the parent/child thing of testing limits, feeling safe, etc. If it is for attention, then give the attention when the good behavior is occurring by interacting with the kids and reinforcing the appropriate behavior. As soon as a hit, push or hair-pull occurs - tell the child that they visit is over because he hurt someone and end the play date, but try again soon on another day. Over time, the amount of attention you need to invest will diminish.

4. Use the opportunity to teach your son how to respond when aggressed upon. Can he say "no hurts" and walk away? I doubt that this will be the only time he'll be faced with inappropriate behavior and he needs to know what to do if you're not there to solve the problem. What would he do if he was in a pre-school setting and the teacher was otherwise occupied?

Close friendships are to be treasured - and if she values your friendship as much as you do, then she should be willing to listen to your concerns. And, while it is a sensitive issue to discuss, that you were concerned enough to ask for advise, shows that you're willing to work on it. Show her the responses and tell her how much you care. She's likely to need a good friend over the next few years. It would be nice if you could be there for her. At least you'll know you did everything you could to maintain the relationship. Good luck to you both.