Considering Statutory Rape Charges

I found out recently that my daughter (who just turned 18 last week) had been having a sexual relationship with a 40 year old guy since her 17th birthday. We know this guy, but did not know the nature of their relationship since they were both lying to us about it (not that we didn't worry about it - we even sat them both down and had a heart to heart about our fears about a year ago) My daughter and this guy met through going to the same recovery meetings - they are both addicts - but have been clean and sober for the most part (he has been clean for over 8 years, she was for 2 years and then had 2 one day relapses recently). My daughter now identifies as a sex and love addict in addition to substances. He also had sex with her best friend who is about a year younger. My daughter no longer has contact with him and he has admitted to what he did, but he has moved and changed his phone number. Please share any experiences with going through this kind of situation with your teen and with the legal outcome - thanks anon

14 year old struggling w/ boys and risky behavior

Sigh. Frankly, my dilemma is deep, and goes way back, so let's see if I can make it brief.

My daughter, who is 14, has been experimenting with sex, but not really so much for herself, but to get (or keep) a boy. What she enjoys is the attention -- totally understandable. What she's doing to get it, though, is further damaging her already young-teen-girl, shaky self-esteem.

I talk to her, but she can't hear me. She's been hurt a couple of times: boys say they like her (maybe they do) then dump her as soon as she gives them what they're looking for. One has even called her a whore to his friends and truly broken her heart.

In the last month, she's been drinking, another sign of a very shaky self-image. I'm heart broken over her heart break. We talk. She sees a very good therapist. I'm still left wondering if there's anything more I can do for her. I just love her so much; it's excruciating to see her suffer like this.

Advice? Suggestions? Any teen parenting groups in the East Bay (Alameda)? E.

One thing that your post did not address is whether or not your daughter is out of your parental control. If you set limits for your daughter will she abide by then or is she ignoring your rules? If the latter is true, you must take immediate steps to protect her safety. I suggest that you set some strict limits and consequences for your young teen. I am not sure it is open to non- members, but Kaiser has a program for parents of difficult teens. Please call psychiatry at Kaiser and find out if it is and enroll if you can. Make sure your daughter's therapist is working with you, and your husband as well, in how to manage your daughter now. What you cannot do is allow what is happening to your daughter now to continue. Peggy

Glad you care and are reaching out for help. You are not alone, there are lots of us struggling to help our kids.

Good luck. anon, of course.

Sounds like this behavior is relatively new, so I commend you for jumping on it now. Good Luck (therapist) Jenny

Unfortunatley you daughter is behaving like a ''whore'' in the eyes of many. Have the people who love her told her this kindly but firmly? I'm guessing the kids will continue to say stuff like that and worse. Even if a boy likes her he will not be able to admit it to his friends if her reputation worsens. Kids can be brutal! Better she have a realty check as soon as possible. Her drinking,of course, will escalate the ''whorish'' behavior and end up causing her more pain.

There are Sex and Love Anonymous meetings for adults and lots of women talk about themselves being stuck the same pattern your daughter is starting. A group for teen girls, where she can get reality feedback and support from her peers, would be great. A goup could be a place where she can help others as well (a great self esteem builder) I have a 15 year old girl and peer group trumps parent opinion, I have found. jenny

My daughter had a baby in the middle of her senior year of highschool. She put her son up for open adoption. We thought the bad times had ended there, but she was sneaking out at night to get drunk and continuing the risky sexual behavior without our knowing it. Finally after a failed attempt at college (where she was sexually assaulted by an older boy who promised her alcohol) she asked to go to a Wilderness Camp and we sent her to ''Second Nature''. She is now at treatment center called Fulshear Ranch Academy in Houston that helps young women phase back into the world of work and college. All of this is very expensive, of course, and you are required to hire an ''educational consultant'' who charges a fee and helps you find the right place for your child. Our daughter is in the middle of the program right now, and it's quite a struggle, but we're counting on her pulling through. For right now we're glad she's safe - away from alcohol and away from the predatory boys she was attracted to. She goes to AA twice a week, gets lots of therapy, and has good friends there.

I don't know if this is any help at all. I know that it's excrutiately painful. Not only was our daughter degrading herself, she put herself in extremely dangerous situations. With alcohol in the mix I would recommend looking for a program. AA is great and has meetings for young people; herrick hospital has a program that may serve teens; there's a program in Oakland called Thunder Mountain; There's got to be a program for someone as young as your daughter.

I wish I knew more about programs for younger teens. Mom who knows what it's like

Alameda Family Services - School Based Health Centers
210 Central Avenue
Alameda, CA 94501
Phone: 510-748-4085 x 3135
Fax: 510-748-4087
http://www.alamedafs.org

What to do when your 14 yr old doesn't respect the rules or consequences. ''You can't go out'' equals ''I'm leaving and you can't stop me.'' ''I won't give you a ride'' equals ''Fine, I'll take the bus at midnight.'' What do you do when there is no respect for the rules? frustrated but not giving up

Don't ask, don't tell policy for teen sex at home?

Our 15 yo daughter and her 15 yo boyfriend began having sex recently. They have a strong relationship, mutually caring and have been together for eight months. We were shocked at first, then concerned about pregnanacy, health, etc., but they have been responsible in these matters. She is now on the pill and they apparently also use condoms. We know they are young and we would have preferred they waited. But they didn't and they are happy with their decision. We have talked with our daughter at length about all the issues involved, the way sex intensifies everything, the need to always feel a sense of choice, etc.

Our dilemma now is about where they have sex. Both we and his parents have an open-door-to-the-room policy and we've told her we aren't comfortable with their being sexual in our house, but we know they have occasionally done so. My husband and I now disagree about this and I would like other opinions. One of us advocates a don't ask/don't tell policy about sex at home, the other believes we should hold firm. The problem is where they will go otherwise. Not old enough to drive, that only leaves other people's houses or worse, a park or such. Would it be better to have them be a little freer, but discreet, at home? Or to keep this limit.
Anonymous, to protect her privacy

There is a lot to consider and every family is different. I have to congratulate your teens on being responsible enough to use protection and you for being an available parent. That is so great.

But getting clear on your boundaries and the agenda driving those boundaries is crucial. If you and your hubby are confused chances are your teens will be confused too and that could invite problems and conflicts that no one has considered yet.

You might even want to involve your teens in an open and honest discussion about your dilemma. Have them take some responsibility for finding a solution. Being part of the solution will help them to adhere to any agreement you guys make. They are part of the family and should be responsible for their part in contributing to the health and well being of the family. It's also important that they understand that the choices they make impact other people.

There is an excellent website regarding the topic of teen sex. They have a ''Readiness Checklist'' that is really good....http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist... When my older son and his girlfriend were getting ready to have sex for the first time...BC, checkups etc...they came to me and said they had everything ready to go. My son even talked to her parents letting them know that he was planning to have sex with her. ( her dad was less than pleased) The teens had decided to wait until both were 18. When the time arrived I printed out the scarleteen readiness checklist for them and asked them to carefully consider all the issues that could arise...including where they would have sex and how they might feel if a younger sibling or other family member were to walk in on them accidentally...(''Physical Items'' on the checklist doesn't say this specifically but definitely inspired the question ahead of time) They came back to my husband and I and said they had changed their minds and decided not to go through with it.

I was supportive no matter what their decision and even though they opted to not have intercourse they did a lot of fooling around. They did that here with the bedroom door closed. Like you...we also had an open door policy when our kids were younger but in this case...both my teen and his girlfriend were 18. That was my personal boundary. Yours might be different.

And yes, I was uncomfortable however that was because it was my kid. Just a natural thing that I sort of expected. I am 100% supportive of my teens emerging sexuality but I grappled with how to handle one kid being sexually active and maintaining an age appropriate boundary with the other one simultaneously. Really the only way we were able to do it successfully was for all of us to engage in an open discussion about all of these things. It was really great and we got to hear perspectives from our kids that we didn't know they held.

I realize that your 15 year old and partner are already having sex but that doesn't mean that they are not beholden to how that decision is impacting the families. And by no means is the discussion over. In fact it is just getting started. They are really lucky to have parents like you to go to. Maybe the checklist or just the website will help you in your conversations with your hubby and the teens. If I think of any other resources to send along I will.

Would love to hear how it goes. good luck! renee

Another thing is that I'm single and don't have to come to any compromise with a partner. I suppose that would be harder...

They broke up after 10 months of being together. I think the fact that they had been sexually active made it harder because they had made that stronger connection. She has survived it though. Good luck. anon

In Sweden, I believe it is, there is an incredibly low rate of teen pregnancy and STDs, and very high condom use. I remember seeing a poll of parents, a surprisingly high percentage of whom said they would allow their teen's partner to spend the night in their home. I think there's a connection between letting sex be something that is openly discussed and seen as healthy and practicing safer sex. another parent

Worried that my teen sister is having unsafe sex

Hi all, I have a concern. I'm an older sister (22) of a 15 year old high school sophomore. I often keep tabs on her to find out what she's up to and as expected, she opens up to me a great deal more than to my parents. She has been having a relationship with a boy a year older than her. He is a high school drop out, works full time, has his own new (fancy car), which is part of the reason I think she's attracted to him. It's mostly a phone relationship, but they meet up on the weekends; she gives excuses to my parents that she's going to the movies with friends, or that they are going to a theme park, but of course when they have the whole day and night to hang out- a lot more goes on.

After questioning her, she admitted that they have had sex several times. Recently, I suggested, or rather demanded, that she get tested for STD's. During this conversation, it came out that she has had sex with this same boyfriend once-unprotected! I was VERY shocked because she is an otherwise smart girl. I explained to her why this is an extremely dangerous thing to do- that my boyfriend and I of 4 years, college graduates, don't even risk having unprotected sex- the risks far outweigh any pleasures, etc. She cried, apologized (I think she was embarrassed), and apparently this lead her and her boyfriend to have a conversation which resulted in a decision to stop having sex and for him to get tested as well. She tested for pregnancy- negative- thank God!

I'm convinced that this boy is not responsible, and will not go get tested on his own or with my younger sisters nagging. He is controlling and for many reasons, (not in school, etc), I do not approve of their relationship at all. Since I am not her parents, I really cannot stop this relationship. Here is my question for all you wise parents! Would it be inappropriate for me, (with my sister's permission), to either in person or over the phone, have a discussion where I express the importance for him to go get tested! I think as a parent, this is what I would do. I'm going to say, ''If you respect and love my sister, you will realize the importance of getting tested- and go''. If I don't have this conversation, I think his ego is going to get in the way and he is not going to go! What would you do as the older sibling acting in a parent-like situation? By the way, I have all the resources for them to go to, where it's anonymous, where's it's free- he has a car so transportation is clearly not the issue... Thanks so much! concerned sister

you cannot stop this relationship. even parents have only limited control over a relationship like this, and overt efforts to stop it will often backfire. what you can do is inform and facilitate -- give your sister the means to stay safer. and that is what you are doing.

as a sister, not a parent, you are the ideal person to talk to this boy and try to get him to be tested. even if he can drive, i agree that he won't do it on his own. it is really important for your sister's safety, and also for him to start taking responsibility as a human.

if he refuses despite you spending the time to talk to him, arranging a confidential and free examination, etc. -- that tells your sister something about him, doesn't it? he cares about his car; doesn't he care about her health?

she is very lucky to have you. pregnancy is not the only concern. there are so many STD's, and some are lifelong. [if she hasn't gotten the HPV vaccine, she should.] and then there is the emotional part, the maturity part.

the fact he is controlling is disturbing -- she is very vulnerable emotionally at this age, and when a boyfriend is controlling, that is often a sign that things will only get worse in time. controlling behavior is a good predictor of abusive behavior.

what's that saying? sh*t rolls downhill? an immature high school dropout with a high view of the importance of his car is someone who might not be kind to his girlfriend if anything else at all goes wrong in his life. not saying that is the case, but his willingness [or lack thereof] to protect her from disease may give her some clues about whether he is good for her to have around.

best to you and your sister. anonymom

YES, you should get involved, call her boyfriend and tell him what you stated in your post. I would bet that he will listen to you, a cool young adult, far more than he would listen to your or his parents. You have the potential to influence this situation more than anyone else could; use that power.

And from all of us parents of teens out there: thank you for being wise and caring. Grateful Mom

This is all very optimistic and hypothetical, of course. If he is dragging her down, she's got to make a change. If it gets really bad and she's out of control, you should tell your parents about what's going on.

I guess for me the sex isn't the worst of it. It's the quality of their relationship and if she's taking care of her business (school, maintaining a good relationship with her family and friends, etc.) then it seems okay.

Good Luck! mom of a 16 year old girl

You are right, however, as you are not her parent, but a sibling, it is inappropriate for you to call the boyfriend. (Even if you were her parent I'm not sure you should go that far. But that's a different angle....) Anyway, it's important that she can turn to you as a sister, and you would cross that line if you made the call, I think. I have an older sister who has tried to be more of a parent to me over the years, and basically we no longer speak. My point is, your job as her sister is to be supportive, give advice and hope that she takes it and not judge her if she doesn't. It's not your place to ''approve'' or disapprove'' of her choices in relationships. Certainly you can dislike the guy, but the point is, it's her choice.

I am a step-parent of a girl the same age as your sister. I know for a fact she is having sex, and have come out and point blank asked her about it. She has denied it. So with that I responded, ''well, if you are not having sex now, you will be soon and you need to be protected.'' I have offered to take her to get birth control, and so far she has declined. It pains me to think she is out there having unprotected sex, but I know I have done everything I can to help her. If something happens, it will be her responsibility. And if need be, than I will do what I can for her then. (Btw, I told her that just because I wanted to help her, didn't mean I ''approved'' of her having sex, but I knew she would do it anyway, with or without my ''approval'' so I wanted her to be protected...and yes, I can approve/disapprove since I am in the parental role...)

At any rate, part of the reason these teenage years are so hard on us parents is because this is the time our children are seperating from us and becoming their own autonomous beings. We hate to see them make mistakes, and more than that we hate to see them suffer the consequences. But how will they ever learn to grow and be functioning adults that can take care of themselves (and not always be taken care of by well-meaning others) if we dont't let them?

Please, please back off and be to her what she needs, a loving, supportive sister that will be there for her no matter what happens. Know that you've done what you can, and also know that if something does happen, she'll turn to you b/c she trusts you. Do you want to risk losing that?
No more sister that wanted to be my mother

As a young woman, you want her to ''learn to see for herself'' what kind of guy she is dating. Not have a parent or older sis tell her she is doing the wrong thing, or intervene - show her you have faith in her to make the right decision, let her know you love and care, and that you are concerned this isn't the ''best'' for her - she deserves better and the choices she is making have long- term consequences. Share stories about how you or your close friends screwed up and dated the wrong guy...and how you were able to ''see the light'' or ''make a decision'' about how you wanted to be treated and what you deserved.

Then you have to sit back and hold tight - some people learn right away, others keep walking into the same wall..

I don't find it shocking that she didn't use protection, I didnt, and neither did most of my friends with their first or first few boyfriends and we are well educated etc...access, etc were issues. even into the college years...!

while kids these days certainly seem to do things earlier, they also seem to negotiate a bit more about the safe sex thing too - so make sure she has access to condoms and take her to a gyn!
every young woman needs more self esteem and long term life skills!

Son's sexually active girlfriend - tell him I know?

I found out that my 15-yr-old son's girlfriend was sexually active with her former boyfriend. She and my son haven't been together long, so I am confident that they haven't had sex (yet?) but I am not sure how to approach my son about this. I've already talked to him about being respectful of her boundaries, her family, etc. and not doing anything you might regret, etc. etc. But, maybe I need to be more specific? I don't know if he knows, for one thing. And I found out from a friend - the parent of one of her friends. Anyway...what to do?
concerned parent

Here's my all-purpose speech: ''I don't approve of [teen drinking/experimenting with drugs/ditching school/smoking/sexual activity] and I don't want you to do it. For one thing, it's unhealthy because [your body's still developing/ it could have a worse effect on your future than you know/it gets you into bad habits/etc.]. However, if you're going to do it anyway, don't be stupid! [Followed by sound advice in short sentences, such as: ''If you're going to drink alcohol, always drink with food. No more than one drink an hour. Never get in a car if you or anyone in the car has been drinking. Don't drink when you're sad-- it's a poor long-term solution.'']. Be explicit about behavior for which you have zero tolerance [''Do not steal family liquor.''] Best of luck

Have a conversation with your son about safe sex, responsible sex and being ready for sex or leave some literature for him to find...but don't tell him you ''heard'' his girlfriend had sex with her last boyfriend. don't spread gossip

As much as it is important to talk about the physical stuff, also keep talking about the emotional part. I told my son that once they went there, it would be harder to break up because of the emotional/hormonal bonds that form...and that he was always to be aware of what her and his boundaries were.

In general it seems his group of friends all talk about it openly. Few of them just ''do it'' without first talking about it first, even though it's too early to be doing it any way as an old fogie now! but we all did too...and one couple recently broke up because she didn't want to go there and the boy thought they were ready - all very interesting!

anyhow, good luck. it is a weird point in the parent/teen relationship but very important to not get weirded out in front of him and let him know you have been there too. inevitable!!!

Found morning after pill, sex books in 14-year-old's room

I'm sure many parents have gone through this, and we'd like to hear from them. Yesterday I was cleaning my daughter's room so my Dad could use it -- he's visiting while she's away at camp. I ran across a bag that had birth control patches and an empty plastic bag that had her name on it and, from the label, it had had a morning after pill in it. I have never snooped in her room, and wasn't snooping then -- I just wanted to see if the contents of the bag should be kept or tossed. But hey, maybe snooping is under-rated. I also found a couple of diary-like notes scattered around, and some very graphic sex books. The notes indicate her feelings about a boy, and one of them refers to an incident of stealing with some friends not long ago. This puts in perspective some things that have been going on. She just finished her freshman year and has pulled away from us dramatically this year, especially the last few months, and especially me (Mom). She cut a lot of school, and seemed to give up the last couple of months. At one point about 3 months ago (maybe near the time of the date on the pill package)there was an incident where she was really upset about something and went over to a friends house. She and the friend went out in the park to talk. It was late and I wanted her to come home. I ended up talking to her friend on the cell phone and the friend indicated she was concerned my daughter was going to ''hurt herself''. She wanted to spend the night at the friend's, but I said no. Also around this same time my daughter said she was cutting because she was having some problems. I couldn't imagine that any problems a 14 year old was having could be that serious, and felt I was being minipulated by the suicide threat. At the time, it didn't occur to me to probe, I knew she wasn't suicidal, but maybe some judicious questions would have helped open the situation up. You can see that we've got some issues to deal with here. My husband and I are upset, but also feeling sad that she's apparently dealing with some heavy stuff all alone (or at least without adult guidance). We're glad we have a week or so while she's gone to process our own feelings and seek some advice. I also feel sad that our relationship has been such that she couldn't talk to me. I tend to be fairly tough, but definitely have it in me to deal with her on other levels. The thing is that we actually don't know what's going on and of course we need to find that out first. We're prepared to set limits and become more involved with her school work -- which we were already going to do. We also want to establish some channels of communication -- lately it's seemed like she was more accessible -- and keep them open. We're just not sure exactly how or what, or how much. My initial reaction was to come down on her ''like a ton of bricks'', as my husband says. But probably that would only serve to further alienate her and that is definitely not what I want to happen. Well, I'm just blabbing on now, I'm so agitated by all this. Until we have more information(e.g. was the morning after pill actually for her?)it probably doesn't make sense to talk about specific consequences. We're certainly thinking along the lines of changing our work schedules to be home earlier, not allowing friends at the house when we're not here (perhaps only boys). We already keep pretty good tabs on where she is and when she's coming back, but could probably tighten up. As with many teens these days she dresses somewhat skimpily, and I've always thought it was counter-productive for parents to rag on kids about what they wear, but maybe I'm wrong -- what kind of message does she want to send, what kind of reputation does she want to have? Anyway -- that's pretty much it. We'd appreciate hearing from anyone who has gone through something similar about how you approached it, what worked, and what didn't. Thanks very much. concerned parent

The good news is that if she left birth control materials where you could find them, she probably wants to discuss this with you.

If you want her to listen, you'll have to a talk to her like an adult, with respect. Discuss your values and your concerns for her. But recognize that she may have different values at this point. You may feel that pre-marital sex is wrong, but if she doesn't agree, you'll have to find other points that matter to her. As a teenager, I felt (rightly or wrongly) that I could control the obvious consequences of sex, like pregnancy or disease. I felt I was ready for adult experiences, and that my parents underestimated me. Your daughter is more likely to listen if you share your own discoveries, like, ''Sex is good and important and so much better in a committed, mature relationship. First-time experiences are powerful, so don't waste them. The longer you delay gratification, the greater the fireworks. Your peers will respect you for taking control of your sexual destiny and choosing to wait. Practice on the emotional aspects of relationships before adding the overwhelming complications of sex.'' I'd also advise my daughter that a few years of solo practice with her own body will make her later relationships more satisfying, because she will be able to tell her partners what pleases her. You were right, don't waste your time arguing about her choice of clothes. Fashion has nothing to do with this. Good luck! Been there

''Coming down like a load of bricks'' is heavy. The hardest thing for me was to deal with my stress and worry and try to communicate with neutral, supportive, yet very clear limits. Ultimately, we found that teaching our daughter that our ability to trust her and more importantly give her her freedom was based on her ability to be truthful and forthcoming. We had to pull back her freedom until she could teach us that she was able to deal with relationships without overwhelming herself and making us afraid. In addition, she got into therapy (suicidal voicings are a sign of a need for support, and we, her parents, could not provide all that she needed as she was trying to individuate as well). We got into a parents group at kaiser which we found really helpful and gave us more tools. She later informed us that we had never said to her ''NO sex'' As a couple of people who have tried to lighten up some of the sexual repression we felt growing up, this was news. Clear boundaries...really knowing what we feel ready for and communicating that....all very important. She is doing so much better now.

In your place I would have already taken her room apart and read every piece of paper with her handwriting on it, and whatever else I could find. By the time she returned from camp, I would have gathered all the clues to what's going on and put them on her bed with a note saying ''Lets talk, NOW.''

Look at what you know without snooping...You know that she ''may'' be sexually active and is upset over a relationship. You know that she's doing poorly in school and is withdrawing from her family. You know that she cuts herself; that she thinks about suicide and has at least one friend more concerned about her than you were.

You know that she's not coming to you with these problems -- maybe because you ARE being so careful not to snoop, or impose on her, or even let her know how sad you are that her childhood is being taken from her too soon. Your letter is full of thoughtful, benefit of the doubt, logical, cool- headed thinking....

I'm urging you to become passionately involved. Be honest with her. Be angry and upset, and sad and confused...whatever you really are. Maybe you'll overstep a boundary here or there, or make a wrong assumption, or look like a fool sometimes. Your willingness to look like a fool is a gift you give your child.

Maybe you'll create friction for awhile... but friction is a sign of closeness. You have to actually ''care'' to be upset, to risk being uncool, to risk having other kids complain about how ''strict'' you are. No, she probably won't thank you for it later --- but, she'll be alive, healthy, and in a saner environment with or without expressing her gratitude to you. That's enough, right? Good luck.
A Ferocious Mama Bear

my best friend became pregnant at 14 and had an abortion. had i not had that experience, i might be more naive, but i know for a fact that it happens and it happens to very good kids. we've been best friends since elementary (3rd grade), we went to great public schools, grew up a few blocks from each other. the main differences between she and i were: 1) she's more rebellious than i am 2) her parents did not pay as much attention to her and when they did it was critical or superficial.

we were both in honors classes up until high school. the summer before high school, she met a boy - much much older (had just graduated high school!) and it was the end of the road for her in many ways. she ditched, she started having sex, she lied to her parents and ran away a few times.

she and i both think she craved some attention from her mother, but only found negative means to gaining it. she also resented her mom for being critical and unsupportive - which justified (in her mind) her rebellion - running away, lies all which hurt her mom's feelings. i'm not trying to blame you for anything you may or may not have done. a lot of it was her personality.

but what i can say is, be accepting. don't ask her if the morning after pill was hers or not. or if the pills were hers or not. i'd just assume she was either sexually active or REALLY thinking about it and at least she is thinking about birth control (sorry if that doesn't mesh w/ your values). get her some resources - like the book, ''our bodies ourselves'' which has great, accurate information about sex for teens.

i think her reading books w/ sex in them is soo normal. my sister and i started that in junior high - it's the only way some of us learn anything about sex at all - whether it be distorted or not. share stories with her about your first sexual encounters or that of your girlfriends - fantasy and reality are two different things. and whatever you do - share your values but don't be judgemental.

something is going on w/ her and she doesn't think you will understand what that is. that's ok and a normal reaction. but take the negative energy away from it. tell her 10 times you love her more than the times you ask her where she's going or what she's doing. then she will come to you and talk/share. good luck to you. this is the rough part huh?
heart goes out to you

17-year-old son ran away to be with girl-friend

My son will be 17 in a couple of months and has not typically been a rebellious child at all, is quite responsible and has a part time job. About 5 months ago he started dating a girl who was 14 and we welcomed her into our home. After a few months, and she had turned 15, we discovered they were sexually active. I actually sat down with the two of them and discussed thier options, such as saying "no", this mostly being directed at the girl as I grew to understand she was quite permiscuous and had even slept with another boy while dating my son! Add to this, my son's marks were crashing at school, his personality changed, so we struck a deal with him, he could only see her twice a week until his marks picked up and she was not allowed in our home because of the sexual activity. ( I have two other children - 3 and 7 who could have quite easily have found thier evidence of activity!!) . He did not like this but agreed to it. But he continued to see her away from our home, lying to us about the reason he wanted to be at certain places etc. We finally blew up and suggested they take a one month break from each other, her parents agreed this was a good idea too but as usual we were the only parents to enforce this and as such had nothing but arguements and fighting with our son. As of right now my son is supposedly staying at a friends, he got the "foster parent " bug in his ear from her parents (they are foster parents). SO I gave him the number for the local social services office. The local social worker spoke to him then called me. After a long discussion with me he agreed we were being more than fair with our son and was going to tell him they don't place children in foster homes for parental disputes (I knew this but thought our son needed to find that our for himself). He called our son had another chat with him and then when we called our son back to ask if he was coming home that night he actually lied to us again told us he was to call the social worker back the next day and was staying the night at a co-workers. We found out the social worker wasn't going to be there the next day. So it has now been four nights that he's been at this co-workers house, supposedly. He only had a change of clothes when he left, has only missed 1 day of school so far and is showing up at work so far. Our biggest concern with regards to him at this point is that the girlfriends parents will somehow get ahold of him through the foster care system?! Now the question is how long do I leave him alone before trying to get in touch with him? I don't want to go back to the fighting , and he can come home anytime he wants, we just WILL NOT participate in his relationship with her in any way shape or form. Any suggestions welcomed!!! Anonymous

During the last couple years I have seen at least 5 situations similar to yours regarding young men (mostly juniors and seniors) having girlfriends and their first sexual experiences. It becomes ALL-CONSUMING and usually school and work go totally down the drain because they are spending all their time in other activities.

AND, as you have found out, there is no way to reason with them.

I am not a therapist but I have opinions based on experience.

I'm not sure if the foster care piece of this is the most important right now. I would be more concern about -- MAKING SURE THE GIRL DOES NOT GET PREGNANT. In order for that to happen, you somehow need to make sure you have an open line of communication with your son.

Also, the Health Center is funded by the City of Berkeley and the school district so there is help if you live in Berkeley OR go to Berkeley High. They can provide the two of them to make appointments together with a counselor. There are condoms available. They are located inside the BHS campus in a trailer at Bancroft and Martin Luther King Jr. Ways.

In the most recently situation that I am aware of: 1. Student changed residency from one parent to the other, gotten his focus back on track to pass the classes that he absolutely needs for graduation and has better (not great) attendance for all classes. I believe he did jeopardize his chances to go directly to a four-year college but will make it there after community college if he doesn't "need" to get married and support a child.

Flora Russ --
Berkeley High School

One thing I've learned very well as a once troublesome teen, and as a father who failed in a lot of ways with my first teen but is doing much better with the next two, you need to pick the battles you can win. You've picked a battle you're not only sure to lose, but one that will have exactly the opposite effect of what you want. Attempting to ban regular friends is nearly impossible, attempting to ban a girlfriend with whom your 16-year old son is sexually active IS impossible. Not only that, it will typically make them all the closer ("us against the world" is very romantic!). I strongly suggest you call your son and tell him you were wrong to attempt that, and suggest that you get together to see if you can come to a solution that addresses your real issues, which are his grades and lying.

I also suggest that you have this girl over to dinner regularly and get to know her better. Your never know, seeing her in the context of his family may even make him feel she doesn't really fit. And/or, you may find you have a better ally in her in terms of getting your son back on the right track scholastically than you think. Or maybe not, maybe you'll find yourself all the more irritated by her, but at least your son will be at the dinner table and not someplace else with her doing who knows what.

I do think you still have the authority and right to ban sex between them at your house. But even for that I think a better approach would be to ensure they have condoms at their disposal and ensure they understand the need to be discreet (in every way: sounds, talk, used and unused condoms, etc.) for the sake of the younger children. They will continue to have sex, so you need to ask yourself under what conditions it will happen otherwise and whether that's acceptable to you. Good luck. Anonymous

15-year-old daughter is sexually active

I would like to propose a(another?) discussion of teen sexual activity. My 15 yr old daughter has had a boyfriend for just over a year. I've just learned they have become sexually active and would like to continue being so. No matter how much I tried to make sure they were always supervised, one cannot control these things 100%. It seems to me at some point one has to deal with the choices they are making. But how? In this case the activity was protected. They are well informed about STD's. I have talked with her a lot, during the past year, about the risks, that the odds of pregnancy and disease during her high school years only increase if she begins sexual activity so young, about the emotional impact, about keeping her life balanced, her focus on school work etc., that I feel they are not ready for this and should wait until the end of high school, what would happen if they break up, etc. I have told her again, since this news, that I feel this is not a good decision, that they are too young, etc. She is in therapy. She is doing ok in school and seems to understand the importance of that. Does not, I believe her, do drugs. Has quit smoking. Is starting an exercise program with a girlfriend on a regular basis. Is by nature very assertive. I do not believe she was talked into anything, do believe she can hold her ground with the boy ( she is probably stronger than he). Experiences her boyfriend as very supportive. I have a cooperative relationship with his parents ( even though--something clearly slipped up on their watch and of course I am very mad). She is making informed decisions. She appears to be happy with the decision and the experience. She was ( eventually) open with me. I am not at all happy about this but I also feel things could be a lot worse. Although they are kids, the activity is part of a real, sustained, relationship that is caring and appears to have been quite stable in the course of the year. How do other parents handle this? My gut feeling is that to try to control, to respond with anger, would not really help at all. I have already tried to control. Perhaps all I can do is try to slow things down. I am trying to get them to reconsider their decision, will meet with the other parents. Have others been through this? How do they handle it? I would welcome discussion of this.

I had an advantage in these situations because of the facts that I was not an actual parent and that I was more or less an authority figure because I was their employer. Now I have my own kids, one of whom is a sophomore at Berkeley High and it is a bit trickier applying the tactics I am about to set forth, but nonetheless I am still seeing good success in the application.

It is also worth mentioning that I have seldom seen any positive behavioral modification result from pointing out potential negative consequences of aberrant behavior. Most kids are optimistic enough that they feel that they will not have to face the consequences of their actions and that they can "get away with it". To get to my main point, I have had success in getting kids to change their behavior by presenting my arguments to them from the standpoint of morality. I am not talking religion, rather morality in the philosophical sense. It always takes time but once you can frame your argument in terms of good and bad it provides its own incentive. Most kids think of themselves as righteous and good people. Perhaps this sounds too simplistic but unless one has religious conviction, philosophical morality is all one has to provide the motivation to be good.

To bolster my argument I will ask you why you want them to cease having sex in the first place. Is it fear of STDs or pregnancy or could it be that you feel that it is wrong for some other reason? One could put forth the argument that without marriage or at least the intention of a long term commitment they are acting immoral and sleazy. There are a lot of ways to present morality. I think that it is possible to be judgmental and disapproving of what you consider immoral without being vindictive. I can only say that in many cases I have bestowed this type of judgement on some fairly hard core kids and it was well received and taken seriously and acted upon. One final point, if you are not practicing what you are preaching you aren't going to get any results, but if they can see that your principals are heartfelt and serving you well you have a chance of getting through. The dependant child part of most teens is still there just as the adult independent part is emerging. Children want and need parents approval and once they are clear about your feelings they will often make your thoughts and opinions their own.

Frank

I have been amazed at the functioning of this group of kids. They have supported each other, critiqued everyone's behavior, had fun together, studied together, looked out for each other, taken out-of-line kids to task, and, according to the girls, "trained" several boys to be more aware in social relationships.

At the start of junior year I was listening to our family's phone messages and heard one or two from her girlfriends. They were congratulating her on a big event her life. They were so happy for her that her "first time was with someone she loved." This was younger than I hoped for and I was scared for the usual reasons, but I never thought I should be angry or try to stop it. I just thought life was happening a lot sooner than I had expected, but it's been feeling like that since she was born.

I had had many discussions with her about various aspects of relationships, and knew that she and the boy had not taken this step lightly, and that it was a mutual decision. I have continued to feel that this is a loving, respectful, not restrictive relationship and that both of them are growing in it. I cared about whether she was continuing to do well in school, communicate and be respectful with me, stay involved with her other friends, be part of the larger community. All of that happened. All I know is that life happens on its own timetable, not mine, and that every child's timetable is different.

I wish you well in this phase of our amazing parenting adventure.