Berkeley Parents Network: Teenagers at Home Alone

Berkeley Parents Network

Teenagers at Home Alone

Advice, discussions, and reviews from the Parents of Teens weekly email newsletter.

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Teenagers > Teenagers at Home Alone

At Home Alone after School
Leaving Teens Alone Overnight
Young Teens at Home during the Day
Afterschool Programs
Family Rules for Teens limits, freedom

At Home Alone after School

I am looking for advice experience on the following. What are other parents, who are working full-time, doing or arranging for their teens who at home afterschool without a parent around. Both my spouse and I work full-time. My eighth grader is home alone after school doing a combination of homework, skateboarding and watching TV/decompressing. He's a responsible kid (good grades and friends) and we've had no problems so far. But I am concerned about this un-supervised time. What are others doing or thinking about this? Has this topic been addressed previously? Can you post it for discussion? I'd like to remain anonymous in any posting because I don't want it to get back to my son who would be mortified.

I would say that if your son is in 8th grade, is spending his time doing his homework, and has no problems, you're in pretty good shape!! Our 12-year-old seventh grade daughter has been walking home from school and hanging out by herself since the 5th grade. (We live in a pretty safe neighborhood, with neighbors who are home all day and watch out for her, and the walk is easy and short.) For the first two years, I demanded that she call me each afternoon when she got home, just to check in. I have gotten looser with that requirement because she has been extremely responsible. My feeling is that teenagers NEED time alone. They probably spend a fraction of that time doing things we wouldn't entirely approve of (e.g., watching stupid TV), but as long as they are not hurting themselves or others, a bit of that is OK. I expect my daughter to do her homework, to keep her room neat, and to do occasional chores (pick up her brother if I'm going to be late, water the yard when it's extraordinarily hot, etc.). But I also let her have (girl)friends over or to go to their houses. The key for me is the homework: if it's getting done, she's OK. If it's not, then I rein her in in terms of how much TV she's watching, how much time she's spending with her friends, etc.

My kids through about age 14 have to page me at work when they get home from school. I give a quick call back to check on homework and mental health status and their plans for the afternoon. They have to page me again if they decide to go somewhere, so I know where to look if they're not home when I get home at 6 or 7. They cook and eat a late lunch, read the paper or their current novels, then do homework alone or with a friend over the phone. Also they have afterschool activities -- music lessons, religious school, sometimes sports -- so there isn't really that much time involved. I have always been clear in my own mind that if I couldn't account for where those afternoon hours were going, including for the 12th graders who don't have to page me but do have to leave me a note as to their whereabouts and estimated time of return, I would insist on their having a regular afterschool job to fill in any boring or tempting hours. My first 4 kids are in or through high school (2 at BHS now) and one is in middle school with no problems to date. I want my kids to learn to make independent decisions so basically they can do what they want after school as long as they check it out with me first and as long as they have a good track record of completing homework and being where they say they'll be when they say they'll be there. (post anon so my kids aren't embarrassed -- they think no other kid has to tell their parent who they're hanging out with)

As a mother of a teen, this problem has surfaced time and again. Ways we have dealt with it - enroll your teen in an after-school program, have him go to the library after school at least 3 times a week and call you when he gets there and when he gets home, find another teen to hang out with and switch homes, enlist the help of other working moms/dads, enlist the help of an adult in the neighborhood whom your son can go to if he needs an adult, get a dog for company and protection, but mostly I would heartily suggest that you find something nurturing and educational for your son to do. It's tough, I know, but we have to be firm about not letting our kids be alone for so much of the time. Homework help is available at most schools after school, as are extracurricular activities. And libraries are free, quiet, and conducive to getting homework done. Good luck!
Amy

I am a parent of a 15 year old and also am doing research on parent/teen issues. My research and other studies indicate that middle-schoolers need to participate in some kind of structured after-school activities. During the middle-school years, teens are dealing with maturity, peer and academic pressures and beginning to test the world around them,they need a great deal of guidance, especially during the after-school hours. According to my research, teens do best when they do not have a lot of free time but are busy (but not overscheduled with activities)and involved in sports or arts activities. These activities help kids learn a skill, keep them focused,and give them an identity in relation to other kids. They are beginning to see themselves as a basketball player or like my son, a flautist. This identity can help them excell in school, gain friends, become healthy, or just feel good about themselves. According to the research, kids want to know that they are being supervised but not too closely. So, parents may not need to be at home during after school, but some kind of structured after-school activity with adult supervision 2 or 3 times a week may make them feel that their parents are still guiding them. But I must say that not all kids are alike, and some do not need much supervision. But the research is indicting that it's often difficult to tell when kids need it because they may like being alone doing their "own thing" even if they're encountering some difficulty doing it. They may not let their parents know what's going on in their lives for fear that they'll lose their time alone.

I hope this information is helpful in some way. I wanted to address this issue since some of you took part in my research project and asked me to give you any interesting findings.

Elaine

My daughter spent the first half of last year wandering Berkeley from 3 to 5:30pm many days with a bunch of kids whose parents didn't want, or weren't able, to supervise them. In that situation now, I would have insisted she have something more concrete to do, but last year I was swayed by the idea that the "other" parents weren't concerned. When I found out the other kids were into graffiti, vandalism and lacked respect for property and boundaries -- I pulled the plug. She is now in a different school, with less free time and more to do after school. She still likes the old friends, but is too busy to hang out with them on a regular basis. I think she's actually happier. She got back a bit of her childhood in the move. The transition to middle school caught me by surprise -- suddenly there was no supervision or expectation of supervision for kids who'd previously been cared for after school -- but the kids were still 11 years-old... Their needs hadn't changed, just their circumstances. Heather

Leaving Teens Alone Overnight

May 2002

I'd like some advice about leaving my teen daughters at home overnight. They are 17 and 13 years old and we'd like to consider a short overnight trip. At what age did you feel comfortable leaving the kids overnight?

I allowed my 15 and 1/2 year old daughter to stay home alone one of two evenings that I was away. The other evening was spent with adult friends. She wanted to me to trust her and allow her to be independent. Before I left, I made sure neighbors knew I was going to be away and that she was on her own. I also asked my mother to call. When I came home, I got the biggest hug. She was lonely without me and every noise made her nervous. I would feel comfortable leaving her alone again, but I do not think she would want me to. Angela

When is it OK to leave a teen alone for 1-2 nights? I realize they are all different, maturity, With/without boyfriend/girlfriends etc. My daughter is 16.5, an only child, fairly mature and responsible. She is very aware that her actions bring reactions, both good and bad, so the chance of a party is remote. She has good friends, whose parents are my friends. Of course she could stay with a friend, but I don't want to over do a good thing. Also I think a teen should begin to have independence, we don't want college to be the first time alone! My Dad age 76 is a mile away, so there is a safe place. Any thoughts are appreciated. Carol

I took my 15-year-old daughter to the movie Pleasantville (in which the parents leave the two teens alone over nite and the girl has her boyfriend over for sex). I swear to god that the next weekend my daughter told me she was staying over with a girlfriend and that the mom was home (she wouldn't let me talk to the mom, saying she had come home sick and gone to bed early, which sounded plausible -- I knew the mom fairly well and consider the friend a good kid). On Sunday I learned that the mom was not home and you guessed it.... I hold my daughter 100% responsible, but I was surprised that some parents do feel comfortable leaving their teens alone overnite. I'd never let my kid stay overnite anywhere again without person-to-person communication with the parents beforehand. Some teens are really devious! Janine

About leaving teens alone -- I've got a son two weeks shy of being 17, and we have left him alone for one night a couple of times without any problems. He too is not one to take advantage, and really welcomes the opportunity to have the house to himself. Obviously, were he a different kind of kid (in fact, if he was more like I was at 17!), I might be reluctant to leave him alone, but our experience has been positive. The event was liberating for him, and made it clear to him that we trust him, which seems to go a very long way with teenagers. Mira

Leaving teens overnight: We first left our son alone in May of 10th grade (he was nearly 16) when we were all scheduled to take a trip to Oregon for Memorial Day Weekend. He was working on a huge paper for Ms. Groves' American History class. He had reams of periodical research and library books and web pages and we did not own a laptop. After exploring borrowing or renting a computer we decided to leave him home. We did have a dog sitter who was going to come by each day and could even stay overnight if necessary. We spoke several times a day and it proved to be a great experience for him. He wrote a terriffic paper and even made dinner one night for himself and the dog sitter. It really depends how mature your child is- some kids get afraid being alone in the house overnight or they don't know how to say no to kids who want to come over. A year later he did volunteer work in South America with Amigos de las Americas where he was minimally supervised in a rural town, with a great deal of responsibility resting on his shoulders. We were glad he'd been given some practice early on. I think it's good to give kids as much responsibility as they can handle. It also makes them confident to know that you trust them and expect them to honor that trust. So I say go for it if she's ready. In a year or two she's likley to be off on her own to school.- WR

My mother allowed me, her third child, to spend time alone at our summer beach cottage, on and off season, for short intervals, from the time I was about 15 years old. I loved this time. I read books, gatherd driftwood for fires in the fireplace, cooked and enjoyed the solitude. I was otherwise a very social child. There were family friends whom I could call, but I never did. One of our neighbors "kept an eye" on me, but I never knew.

Now my husband and I put in a call to our friends' teenage children when the parents are away. Do they need anything? Perhaps a ride? Would they like to come to dinner? Could they babysit for our youngest?

Our oldest is not old enough to want to have the house to herself for the weekend. Yet. She's twelve, but very independant, and I'm sure the day will come soon enough. As a parent, it's a nice thought to know that someone (else, perhaps a neighbor, or a friend) is checking in a little bit.

Mimi

Leaving Young Teens at Home during the Day

From: Barbara

My kids, ages 11 and 14 are at home this summer.  My husband goes to work
most days at 3:00 pm and I get home at 6:30 or so.  My 14 yr old son wants
to have friends over to play basketball etc., and I trust him for the most
part and like his friends but I feel a "little" ill at ease having several
kids at the house when no adults are home.  Rather than make it an issue, I
just have limited the number of kids and I call home to check on everyone
every so often.  I would rather have them at home than out at the mall or
on the street but I wonder if anyone else has input on this situation.  I
remember a friend of mine who thought her kids were perfectly OK until her
neighbor told her her son was growing pot on the roof of the apartment
house and her daughter was picked up for shoplifting.  I don't want to
allow so much freedom they hang themselves.

--------------------

From: Lisa

There is a free publication called Bay Area Parent of Teens that has some
good articles dealing with teenagers.  You can find them at the Berkeley
main public library or call 1-800-666-1514 to get bundles delivered to
somewhere near you.  I have only read one issue but thought the articles
hit the spot in terms of dealing with this difficult age group.


--------------------

I think that teens still need a lot of supervision whether they are at
home, on the streets, or at their friends.  Our children by themselves may
not do anything wrong, but when they are with their friends, the social
pressure can muddle their judgement.  The trick is how to
supervise/monitor/guide without them feeling their independence is
infringed upon and they are not being trusted.  This is such a challenge. 
Keeping them not bored during the summer is important.  I am dealing with
the same issues year round. I have discovered some situations to turn out
to be very experimental.  Teenagers can be very creative in getting over on
us.  This is something all of us need to really talk about.

---------------------

From: Aleta

Fortunately, I'll never have a problem in the summer.  My concern is
during the academic year.  We live about 5 blocks from Pinole Middle
School.  My daughter will get home about 3:15+ and I will get home
about 6:00+. This is what I plan to do with my 12 yr. daughter: 1)
Check every possible after school program, or 2)She must have all
homework done 3) She will have chores to do, 4)No phone calling, 5)
Must stay inside with doors locked 6)I've approved only two of her
many friends are allowed to come home with her- on occasions (I will
go over these rules with them also), 7) #6 will be voided if anything
goes wrong.  If I feel this isn't going to work then she will have to
take the bus to Richmond and stay at her Grandfathers home until I
pick her up.  I trust my daughter, however I don't trust the neighbor
kids or the world for that matter. (add: She must leave a message at
my work the moment she gets home and I will call her once every day).

------------------------

From: Linnea

I share your concern about teens being home and having friends over when no
adult is there.  Perhaps you can manage to get home earlier if you get into
work earlier, thus reducing their time alone.  If your husband is involved
with them during the early part of the day providing variety and interest
(i.e., does he take them places?) maybe they can keep occupied with a mix
of activities when no adult is there.  When there is group of teens they
can think up things to do that your kids wouldn't consider when they're
alone, but when they're all together, group synergy takes over.....I would
try to structure their afternoon time in some way and I would also limit
the number of days that a group can come over, and the size of the group as
I think you may have mentioned.  If a group is at your house every day,
they're likely to become bored eventually and that's when problems can
develop.  Good luck.

----------------------------

     This is in response to the mom who is concerned about leaving her 
     children home in the afternoon. (#5 Teens at Home)
     
     During high school there was always one friend whose parents weren't 
     home and believe me, we made the most of it.
     
     As far as issues of trust are concerned, I think that it's pretty much 
     impossible to "trust" most teenagers no matter how wonderful they are. 
     Developmentally it's just so much a time of experimentation and 
     feelings of immortality.  
     
     Maybe your children have to know that they are being checked in on in 
     some way (can you or your husband do surprise drop-in visits?). That 
     they just don't have that 3 1/2 hour period to run amuck.  But on the 
     other hand, you don't want them to feel like they're in jail so 
     they'll go somewhere else to run amuck!
     
     On the other hand, I just spoke to a mom of a now 27 year old son who 
     was a latchkey kid for years and years and she said that she could 
     trust him completely.
     
     It's a tough call!

-------------------------------

[submitted anonymously]

I have been thinking about this subject a lot, because this summer for the
first time I've left my two kids at home for varying amounts of time while
I work full time. My sons are 12 (let's call him "Jake") and 14 ("Joe"). 
I was given a lot of freedom when I was 12 and older and I think it's
important to give this to my kids as much as I can. I also think it's good
for kids to have down time where they don't have planned activities. So I'm
comfortable with the idea of leaving them at home, but some things have 
worked, and some haven't. Here are my results:

Some background:
1. The neighborhood is safe and there are neighbors at home during the
day who can step in if there's an emergency
2. I'm reachable by phone & I can get home quickly if I need to
3. Public transportation is nearby and both kids know how to take the
bus (to their friends', to the movies, etc.) Joe can take BART to his 
buddy's house in Moraga.
4. Both kids know how to make sandwiches, use the stove and microwave.

The 2 most important factors I've found, regardless of age, are:
1. how trustable is the kid?
2. how trustable are the kid's friends?

In the case of 14-yr-old Joe, he is completely trustworthy, and nearly all 
his friends are honor-roll types whom I trust just as much as I trust Joe.
It really does pay off to get to know their friends and their friends'
parents. Joe is allowed to have any of his friends over (with one exception,
and I trust him not to have this kid in when I'm not there). The only rule
is that he calls me before he leaves the house to tell me where he is going
and when he'll be back. His friends have similar rules at their homes. They 
mainly play ball together, play video games, go to the movies, things like 
that. While Joe is capable of being a complete vegetable, spending hours in 
front of the TV, he works hard during the school year so I don't really mind 
that much what he does over the summer.

In the case of 12-year-old Jake, things are totally different. Jake is
a sweet kid but he cannot resist his wild impulses; he really isn't
trustable.  Of his 3 best friends, 2 of them I occasionally have
allowed to come over when I'm not there; if anything they are a good
influence. But his best friend, who lives on our block, is completely
unpredictable and prone to the same wild impulses as my son. Together
they are lethal.  I can't trust Jake not to hang out with this kid
when I'm not home - on one of the days when I did, (the friend's
parent was home but I wasn't), they got into trouble for spraying
silly foam into the car of the neighborhood grouch. More recently,
Jake has befriended an older kid who's in town just for the summer who
reportedly does Very Bad Things and has been hanging around my house
when I'm not there. So for all these reasons, it hasn't worked to
leave Jake at home alone.

For the first half of the summer, Jake was in camp, riding the bus by
himself to north Berkeley, and then coming to my office by bus when it
was over. This worked out well and gave Jake some degree of freedom
while still allowing me some control. Since then, I've been mostly
bringing him in to work, or trying to work from home. For the next 2
weeks, I'm trying something new. I'd considered using all the rest of
my vacation to stay home, and I also considered hiring a teenager to
stay with Jake. But then it occurred to me to try hiring my own teenager -
Joe.  My two boys don't get along all that well, so in the past it
hasn't worked out to leave Joe in charge of Jake. But I remembered
the power of heavy bribes. I told Joe I'd pay him $10 a day to babysit
Jake (less than his fee for other people of $3/hour but a sizeable
amount for 2 weeks). If there is a fight, and I have to come home, 
Joe doesn't get paid for that day. Jake gets $1 a day if all goes well. 
Each day they have to plan some activity (rent a video, go swimming, 
go to the movies) and I call every couple hours to check in. Jake can
have friends over, but only the 2 that I trust, and only if Joe agrees. 
I can trust Joe to enforce this. Joe can have a friend over or go to a 
friend's house but he must include Jake. They both like the arrangement 
and so far it seems to be working, with some phone mediation on my part 
when squabbles arise.
With any luck, it will carry me thru the rest of the summer!

The opinions and statements expressed on this website are those of parents who subscribe to the Berkeley Parents Network. Please see Disclaimer & Usage for information about using content on this website.