Teens Not Talking to Parents
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Teens Not Talking to Parents
June 2005
My 14 yo son has really pulled away from me in the past
year. He doesn't tell me anything that's going on with him.
From my view we have a good relationship. He's loving, we
have conversations, he's somewhat helpful around the house
etc. He and my husband talk. My thoughts were ''I'm glad
he's talking to someone. It doesn't have to be me''.
Well, last night I realized that what bothered me is not so
much that he doesn't talk to me but that my husband doesn't
tell me anything. When I asked he said ''It's between me and
him''.
Is this right? OF course my son should have his right to
privacy and should also know that he can trust his dad with
confidentiality. On the other hand, I'm his mother and I
feel like I should know what's up with him. This came up
when an old teacher of my sons asked us if our son liked
girls yet. My answer and my husbands answer were very
different. Then my husband said ''He talks to me''. I felt so
excluded and annoyed that no info was shared with me.
So, what's the right thing? Do I have to just accept that
my son chooses to talk to dad and be happy that he is
talking to someone he trusts (and I trust)? I never talked
to either of my parents so I don't really have any good
examples to fall back on. Thanks for any advice on this.
feeling left out mom
We have the same dynamic with my 14-year old stepson and it
is made even worse by his living in two homes. He lives
with us 1/2 time and with his mother the other 1/2. It
goes back and forth who he's most comfortable talking with,
but the short of it is that even if something is told in
cofidence, we will sometimes make the judgement call to
share it with each other. But it's with the strict
understanding that under no circumstances are the other
adults to let him know that we know. This has worked for
several reasons - it helps to have someone to talk it over
with and hash out what to do or how to handle a situation.
Also, it helps to make sure that he's not manipulating an
issue to pit one parent against the other for whatever
reason. And finally, it helps to know what's going on in
his life when dealing with the usual teenage mood swings
(did he just break up with his girlfriend? Is a friend
moving away?). There's so much going on at this age that I
think it's important for both parents to what's going on.
So maybe it'll help your husband share if you put it in
this light and promise not to mention anything to your son
that was told in cofidence.
anon
i think probably most of us experience this at some
points along the adolescence journey. it's happened to me
with both my daughter and my son. [she is 16, he is 18 now.]
one interesting thing is that during the hard times,
communication seems better with one parent or the other [as
you said, at least they are talking to someone] -- but those
allegiences can switch quickly, too. you might be the ''in''
parent one day, and the ''out'' parent the next.
the whole experience is somewhat disorienting, but know
you are not alone, and that whatever is happening [or not
happening] now is likely to change, probably without a lot
of warning. it may be hurtful and disorienting to your
husband, too, when he and your son go through some more
conflicted times -- which will almost certainly happen at
some point.
parenting a teen is definitely a team effort, and
because of the rocky spots, it helps a lot to take a long
view. [this, too, will pass!]
trust and confidentiality are huge issues for teens --
but they are also important for parents. it helps for
parents to let each other in on the kinds of things their
kids are facing, even if they are not necessarily relating
every last detail of what the kids say.
i wish there was some magic roadmap for all of this. i
think the truth is that most families struggle with their
teens separating, and that finding decent coping strategies
as a parent is hard. we had so much responsibility when they
were smaller, but also so much control -- those teen years
require us to change, sometimes in ways we would rather not.
i loved being the center of my kids' universe, when they
were littler! i don't like being left out, and i hate being
''cop-mom,'' even when i know that's necessary. i felt VERY
supported as the mom of young kids, and feel far less
connected as they are growing into whoever they will be as
adults. but it seems important to stay steady when they are
going through so much. thankless job, but somebody's got to
do it.
kathy
Feb 2002
I'm a mother of an almost 15 yo son. We've always been close and been
able to talk.
Now he barely talks to me at home; he's usually elsewhere in the house
and I have little sense of what's really going on at school.
He does talk to me when we go out together, just the 2 of us.. In the
car, we have wonderful conversations, but getting him there is
difficult/infrequent. He's a kinesthetic kind of guy and wants to go
out when I suggest that we do.Then, we struggle to come up with what to
do or where to go. I make suggestions. He doesn't want to do them,
though the suggestions are things he likes. He never comes up with
something he'd like to do. We're stuck, ready and eager but without a
"destination." I know his separation and not wanting to hang out with
mom is normal, but I also get the feeling that he's feels abandoned or
ignored. Suggestions, comments, experience?
To the Mom of a 15 year old: I have a 16 year old son and truly
empathize with the feelings of loss when they begin to distance
themselves. I am assuming that your son is just going through normal
adolescence and does not have some underlying problem. With this
assumption, here are my coping strategies: First, I did some reading
on the subject and I keep going back when the gap becomes wider as new
issues emerge. One book I have found very helpful is Mike Riera's
Uncommon Sense for Parent of Teens. This gave me an intellectual
understanding of the adolescent process thus depersonalizing it to
some degree. Also, I talk with other parents who are experiencing the
same stuff. Second, there are things that I still do with my son that
are just for fun and that we enjoy: Clothes shopping, food shopping,
movies, and going out to a restaurant or coffee place for breakfast,
lunch, or after school snack. At these times we do have some
talking time but it is lightened up by the activities we are engaged
in so it doesn't feel like "a talk." Three, I have had to really
adjust my expectations and realize that right now, I am in the role of
"consultant" and supportive staff person. I still ask him questions
about his day, etc., but only occasionally get complete sentences
back. I do insist on knowing about issues that affect his health and
safety. Also, if there is a major issue, we will sit down and talk it
out. Fourth, I have made an effort to begin expanding my own life
with interests and activities that do not involve him. It is painful
to let go, but when my son sees that I am taking care of myself and
moving ahead with my life, I believe he feels that he can do so also.
And in a paradoxical way, it brings us closer because he doesn't have
to do all the work of creating distance. M! or! eover, it is the other
side of the coin: as my son becomes more independent, he doesn't need
me in the same ways and that means I can do more things that I want to
do without worrying about constantly being available. I believe that
this is a natural progression. Also, I am realizing that is it pretty
much fun to pursue my own interests again. I hope this helps with
this difficult time.
Signed anonymous to protect son's privacy.
In response to mom who has 15-year old son who doesn't speak to her
these days: I have received a great deal of help from Parents
Leadership Institute 650-322-5323. Also, my daughter and I, who have
been very close, started doing the same thing as your son. She
started seeing a therapist, Michele Ku, who has been wonderful and has
helped us all connect better. Michele is very very respectful and
honoring of my daughter and of us. Our daughter agreed to TRY
Michele. She said she did not want to talk about it afterwards. She
really wanted to make up her own mind by herself--without input from
either of us parents. Our daughter's description of Michele is, "She
rocks!" Michele has a wonderful way of both offering tools and
encouraging emotional stuff to surface. She is familiar with the
techniques from Parents Leadership Insitute (made the difference
between day and night in my relationship with my daughter) as well as
having the professional knowledge. If you are interested, I'll be
happy to give you her phone number. Even if your son doesn't want to
see her, you might get some help from her yourself in dealing with
him.
Take care. Clearly you are a great mom--and just need some support
and some help. I hope you get what you need easily and soon.
Meg
2001
We have not had a meaningful conversation with our 16 year old son (only
child) in at least a year. Most of his replies to attempts to converse are
annoyed grunts. The words that come out loud and clear are the ones
asking for something. And I know that he is capable of talking and
laughing out loud because he has extensive rowdy conversations with his
friends over the phone. We took him and a friend on a short trip recently
and it was the same thing, but from both of them, except between
themselves!! He used to be a goofy clown who made us laugh hysterically.
Now, at least with us, there's not a sign of that goofiness. I'm not looking
for advice here, more just wondering whether this is that "typical teen
behavior" and if and when he's going to get over it!! It's draining trying to
be loving and supportive when that's the response you get. Responses from
parents of boys close to 16 (or those who have been through this and seen it
end) would be greatly appreciated.
Nope, mine doesn't, and I don't think that our sons are abnormal. In
talking with other parents of teen sons, we are lucky if we get a sentence
of more than 5 words. I heard my son is the life of the party (and party he
likes to do!). Don't feel alone. I hear it gets better but we have to wait
for about 5 more years!
Been there, done that! 16 is the classical age for boys to separate
particularly from their mothers and you will survive it! My son (now 21) and
I had several knock down drag out fights about boundaries and rules and many,
many lesser squabbles about everything from chores to cheerios. He wanted
freedom with a capital F and I insisted on letting him know that it only
comes with responsibility. Luckily he was dating a girl at the time who was
a bigger control freak than me, so that lightened the burden but it truly was
a hard, hard time and I missed him horribly. He started coming back around
his senior year and we have a new relationship now based on respect, trust
and talking things over. A great book which allowed me to see things from
his point of view is Positive Discipline for Teenagers (available from Amazon
etc.) It's actually less about disciplinng in the usual sense and more about
calming down and realizing that the mistakes and problems kids have at this
age are just as important for their growth as the shaky steps of a one-year
old and the tantrums and nos of a two-year old. They are navigating their
way into adulthood and it is a full-time job for both of you. I think it's
important to keep communicating with your son and letting him know you love
him and care what's happening in his life even if it seems like you're
talking to a blank wall. They do know you're there! It's also a good time
to relive your own teen years and try to see how it relates. Good luck and
remember this too shall pass.
Alicia
Just a quick response to the mother writing about her l6 year old son who no
longer talks...My l6 year old, good student, "good boy", family-oriented
son also no longer talks much to us, which is a huge change from even just
six months ago. His response to questions is - if we're lucky - a sort of
grunt, or else nothing at all so that I wonder if he is even hearing. And,
in a way, I think often he is not hearing (not not listening, just not
hearing) - not necessarily because he's being "rude" or because he thinks
we're not worth hearing - but because he is over-run by hormones and just
can't help it. In fact, I think that is what this about - a combination of
hormones and a very intense, compelling inner life and interior monologue,
because every once in a while the old, talkative boy emerges as though days
of silence never happened. Anyway, I certainly don't KNOW that this is the
case, but I just wanted to sympathize (because it IS distressing and
depressing and worrisome) and to let you know that there is at least one
other one out there.
My 15 year old son and his friends also grunt a lot. Strategies that have
worked for me include: noticing which friends actually talk to adults and
making conversation with the group when some of the talkers are present;
having dinner with slightly older teens (18, 19) who are old family friends
and who have resumed talking to adults and who are still young enough to be
cool to the younger teens. I often find out about incidents or concerns my
son has at these events. The older teen will ask him direct questions about
school, etc, which he'll willingingly answer. My son also is interested in
the older teen's stories about college etc. Finally, I try to ask about
movies and other safe topics that he's interested in.
Parent of BHS sophomore
To the Parents with the Uncommunicative Son,
Read "Get Out of My Life! But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the
Mall?" by Anthony Wolfe. According to this author and psychologist,
your son sounds right on target for teenage boy behavior. Plus, the
book is a great read!
Sue
Just hang in there. My son is 16 yrs. 8 months and recently has
become very sweet. I'm not saying he doesn't relapse and still have
the need to put me down so he can distance himself from me. But it is
much more positive than negative. This change seemed to come about as
he gained more independence. I'm not saying he confides in me much, I
think most teenagers really need their peers for confidants. But he
talks and engages with us about ideas, like poliitcs, sports, colleges
stuff like that. And once in a great while might produce one sentence
about his personal life. He does not yet have an active social dating
life, so we don't talk much about sex but more about drugs. Also I
find as a parent providiing guidelines but not being extremely strict
works better. So for me the best advice is hang in there, keep being
supportive like you are and he will mature and change. Good luck!
Definitely don't print my e-mail address as my kids would me very
angry with me. -- Anonymous
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