• 17-year-old daughter needs help with stealing
• Good kid (15) who steals compulsively
• Daughter, 12, won't stop stealing
• 7 yr old thief
• 7-year-old stealing from parents & friends
• 5 year old son stealing
• 4-year-old is taking things from friends' homes
• My 4 year old daughter is stealing!
• Related page: Kids & Lying

17-year-old daughter needs help with stealing

I am the Dad of a seventeen year old who is on the verge of a criminal life. She is a wonderful girl and widely liked by adults and has a group of close friends. Problem is since kindergarten, my daughter has had sticky fingers, and I even have a note from her kindergarten teacher, back east at a private school, about her taking things that did not belong to her.

My ex and I share 50-50 custody and my ex lives in shared housing, We have discovered that for 6 mos. my daughter had starting ordering jeans and shoes on line using the credit card number of one of the people who lives in the house. Without getting into details, this is not the first incident of calculated stealing and I know its a matter of time before she goes to prison. So we live in Albany and it would be great to find an excellent therapist for my child. in that general part of town. She is agreeably to going into therapy. She is very smart and needs someone who can hopefully do cognitive therapy. I almost think some people have chemical imbalances that predispose them to theft. I dunno since I can't explain why she does this and seems to feel compelled to steal.

Another issue is that her mum has paid the roomate the large amount of money spent on credit card fraud and is not requiring that my daughter pay her back- since where will she get the money- since her school work interfers with ability to work. When I mention consequences are necessary for this behavior, my ex accuses me of going negative and so guess who gets alienated and painted as the bad guy.Please any comments in addition to therapy referrals would be helpful. Her Dad

In addition to parenting, your daughter, at 17, is on the threshhold of leaving home, which marks another big change in your family structure and relationships. This inevitable and much anticipated milestone can increase anxiety in both teen and parent!

You also note that your daughter has had a history of stealing and wonder about compulsive behavior perhaps fueled by a chemical imbalance. I agree that these, too, would be very useful questions to explore. I recommend a ''multi-modal'' therapy -- meaning therapy that addresses parenting and parent-teen relationships; psychopharmacology; and also some form of group treatment or 12-step program (for example Stealers Anonymous). Debra

Good kid (15) who steals compulsively

I am co-parenting my little sister-in-law (age 15). She had a pretty rough childhood with a lot of losses. Anyway, although she's a great kid, she has always stolen, and then lied about it. When her mother started getting sick, and didn't seem to be able to help or even deal with her, she came to live with us. Since she's been with us, she's made major improvements, academically, socially, etc. I think the trick was getting an accurate diagnosis of a learning disability, which helped us all understand her better. Once she started having some success in her life, and feeling better about herself, most of the negative behavior went away. In fact, she's usually very trustworthy, and a hard worker.

However, it pains me to say that we just found out she is still stealing. She stole some money from us (I don't think she has yet graduated to shoplifting, but I wouldn't put it past her to steal from anyone else (i.e., a guest) in the house, if the opportunity arose). We feel so betrayed, sad, hurt and angry, but my strongest feeling is fear and concern for her future. Although I love my in-laws, I wish she had come to live with us at a younger age; we are dealing now with her first 12 years of punitive, shaming discipline and corporal punishment, coupled with inconsistency, lack of structure and not a lot of demonstrations of affection.

I can't even begin to describe the different ways we've tried to approach this. She was in therapy ("talk" therapy) for a year, the first year she lived with us, but that is all. So one thing I am asking for advice on is what TYPE of therapy might be good for helping her with this issue, which seems like a compulsion. It's clear that it's not about the money, that there are underlying emotional issues that she needs help dealing with. She's a little distant emotionally, and doesn't like to express sadness or anger. She also doesn't like to be touched, hugged, anything. I don't think it's like full-blown attachment disorder, but I do think she has some real issues in that department, probably stemming from a traumatic birth and early infancy and compounded by the way she was raised. Anyway, I'M not the therapist here: I can't figure out how to help her, and I feel so desperate! So, again, if anyone has ideas about what type of therapy might help her develop some self-control, get at the underlying issues, etc., it would be very helpful. I suspect she needs something other than "talk therapy" to get past her (well-developed) defenses.

My second request for advice is if anyone knows any particular therapists and/or groups that they think might be good. We have Kaiser, so anyone at any Kaiser in the bay area would be great (we'll go anywhere!). However, our primary concern is to get her skilled help, so we are willing to pay out of pocket for a private therapist. Moreover, I think it's really important to find someone who is culturally competent, especially with urban teens and families, and women of color. She's not a "defiant" kid, or really "hard," and she doesn't have ADD, so those types of groups would be inappropriate.

My third request for advice is simply for ANYTHING folks can think of that might be helpful! Like I said earlier, it's too much to try to describe everything we've done in the past and everything we are doing now, but I will say that we are VERY STRUCTURED. Rather, we have been fairly structured, and then have given her more independence and trust when she seems to be proving trustworthy, and now feel the need to "clamp down" on her again. So, any commiseration and recommendations would be much appreciated!

Sincerely,
Desperate "quasi-parent"

Although my daughter has been in therapy for many years, recently she has initiated a change to a less frequent and more intense therapy. It is helping her steady her life in general but I am not sure it is addressing underlying issues per se. Seems sometimes kids can't do that - they need help coping with the present. My experience is that letting the consequences fall hard for the destructive behaviors -- no rescuing ! -- helps (even somewhat dispassionately -- in our case I tried to respond with minimal drama -- she had to pay reparations to the store, go to youth court, will have to do community service, has to go with me to the drug ed class and submit to random testing -- i.e. consequence that are imposed not just by me but that have institutional support from the outside - youth court, etc -- its is a response from the real world, not just a parent thing). This helps, while at the same time continuing to be loving, structured, and trying hard not to take the episodes of this kind of behavior personally or emotionally -- all this does help.

A very hard thing is to fully accept the complexity of the situation -- which you seem to have already done -- that the kid IS wonderful, one does love them and they love back and STILL can act in ways one finds outrageous (and which can indeed be dangerous to them) because of their past wounds. I have been told that stealing is not at all uncommon for older adoption kids and they often take from the people they love. Youth court does have a "stealing education class" -- I don't know much more about it but it was mentioned at our preliminary youth court hearing. I can try to get more information about it when we go back for the formal hearing later this week and post the info for you here. But if it is anything like the drug ed class we have been doing it might be helpful -- the drug awareness class is very helpful - even if one already "knows" the information -- the experience of going over it with other people ( other adolescents and their families) can be very moving and productive. Finally, seek support from other parents dealing with kids who have had these tough early experiences - because it is just different, in some ways, from normal parenting. I hope some of this might be helpful -- good luck and courage.

I am the single parent of a young teen. In the last six months or so, my daughter has noticed that a friend of hers "happens" to have a lot of identical clothing and other personal items, concurrent with my daughter noticing the items absent. None of these items is expensive (makeup, clothing, stickers), and when my daughter mentions to the girl how "odd" it is that she has the same things, the girl is not defensive at all in explaining how she came to have the same things. But the items are uncommon enough that it is very unlikely that she could have gotten the exact same things. She even went so far as to tell a mutual friend that my daughter gives her the makeup my daughter doesn't want. Outside of the obvious problem, the girl's mother is a friend and we carpool, etc. and I don't want to offend the family by bringing this to their attention. Anybody have any suggestions?

I'd start off my saying: "I have something to say to you that its difficult for me to talk to you about but I think you should know - its about your daughter - I'm telling you this because I care.. Then just say what you said in the posting - too many coincidences and in fact admissions.

On another note: why does your daughter still hang out with a "friend" who's stealing from her? Doesn't sound like much of a friend and I think your daughter should stand up for herself and NOT be friends (or at least seriously evaluate the friendship) with someone who has betrayed her trust and who is being a thief and a liar - at best the "friend" is using her (sounds harsh but its true). If the "friend" has "issues" (self esteem, wants material things that her family can't afford, etc.) then her family needs to deal with it and your daughter needs to think about the friendship. Is the friend doing other things like shoplifting? What if your daughter was with her at the time? Karen

Once Oliver's problems became obvious, I sharply restricted what they could do together and never allowed Oliver in the house when I was away - I still don't. In middle school I would not allow my son to go with Oliver to the nearby shops, though he was allowed to go with other friends, because Oliver had been caught shoplifting at the local toy store and I didn't want my son to be there when he did it the next time. My son didn't like this, but I think he understood my position. I have spoken with the parents many times over the years. It is not very effective to talk to the parents in this case. They are well aware of the problems their kid has, have tried various strategies over the years (therapy, meds, changing schools, even moving). They have heard it so often, they are somewhat defensive, maybe in an effort to protect their troubled kid. Also their approach to parenting is to require their kids to always take responsibility no matter what, even in cases where the parent ought to be taking responsibility, and the penalties they impose are quite harsh in my opinion. For example, they once called off a special Iceland birthday party the morning of, disappointing all the invitees, because Oliver broke a minor family rule. (The 10-year-old Oliver was required to phone all the kids - we parents were not informed.) Or cancelling Halloween trick-or-treating at the last minute because Oliver called his sister a name. So I only phone them in extreme cases (i.e., police coming to my house to ask about Oliver's next-door-neighbor's broken window - my son was there when it happened so Oliver told the police to talk to him.)

When it became clear that toys (and even money) had disappeared from our house during the time Oliver was there, I did not call his parents, but I did confront him. This was when he was in his early teens. He denied it very vigorously. I told him that I like him, and I want him to stay friends with my son, but we can't have things taken from the house and I will have to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. I also had a talk with my son. He defended his friend and was upset that I might stop them from seeing each other, but he also acknowledged that his friend was stealing and had always had this stealing problem. Initially this seemed to work, Oliver seemed to appreciate that I was dealing directly with him, and things of ours stopped disappearing. But then another friend had some very special collectables taken when my son and Oliver were visiting his house. This other kid wasn't friends with Oliver - my son took Oliver over there, so I felt somewhat responsible. When the collectables turned up later at Oliver's house, my son told me. I phoned Oliver and very earnestly tried to convince him to return them. He denied he had taken them. So I phoned the other friend's mother. She had to go to Oliver's house to collect them, had to insist to be taken to Oliver's bedroom to prove to Oliver's parents that he had taken them.

So I guess my advice is to do what you can to protect your things, and make sure your own child understands what the problem is and takes similar protective steps. Calling the parents might not work if they have been receiving reports from years from lots of other people.

Daughter, 12, won't stop stealing

I just found out that my middle daughter (sixth grade) who will be tweleve next month has been stealing money from my purse. I am so upset. She has been stealing since she was in second grade. She stole a CD from her dance teacher, she has stolen pencil boxes from her class mates. She takes things from her sisters (ages 13 and 8). She steals candy in the house etc. So far I have made her write pages and pages of lines saying she knows it is wrong to steal, she won't steal again etc. I have taken away activities she likes to do etc. I thought I was handling the problem properly. Now I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I cleaned out her room and took away all her things, except her clothes. I found her diary and read it. She seems to be completely normal, her diary did not reveal she is having any problems at all. She is a honor role student who had math anxiety a couple of years ago. I spent a huge amount of money getting her tutored, and now she gets A's in math. I am aware of the middle child syndrome and always make sure she does not feel insecure. She is a little overweight, whereas her sister are not. When I ask what makes her steal, she says she does not know. What can I do? Anon

7 yr old thief

My daughter has been taking money from her younger brother's piggy bank ($30-$50 gift cash), putting it in her own and claiming that she's been saving her money. I also believe she's taken cash from my wallet for the same purpose. I've always given her an allowance ($1 per month from every year - currently $7) in an effort to teach her the value of money, but she truly enjoys spending money. My main concern though is the stealing and lying. When I confront her with these thefts she passionately denies taking the money and it's hard to argue or provide consequences without real proof (yes, I want to believe her!). Her behavior is likely a cry for attention from me (we're two working parents), so I will work harder to give her that attention. But are there other strategies I should try? I'm so worried about her. Thank you in advance for any advice you may offer. anonymous

7-year-old stealing from parents & friends

This Sunday our seven and a half year old son took $30 from his dad's wallet. The next morning our son announced that he had a lot of money and then told me an elaborate tale about receiving a $20 bill and a $10 bill as party favors at a birthday party several weeks before. Sounded fishy. My probing brought forth three or four more elaborate stories about the source of the money (each of which involved his friends or adults he knows), ending with ''Dad gave it to me.'' A quick call to dad established that he had taken the money without asking. My son and I then had a long (and amazingly calm) talk about not taking things that don't belong to you and not telling stories about other people that aren't true, the consequences of stealing, of lying, etc. I had him write a note to his father apologizing for taking the money. I had him deliver the letter to his dad personally (he had wanted to just leave it somewhere where his dad would find it) and to apologize personally in addition to delivering the note. I asked my son what he thought would be an appropriate punishment for taking something without asking and for lying about it. He came up with a good idea -- that he not be allowed to buy anything from the camp store when we go to Tuolmne family camp next week (buying a treat a day a the store is a very important part of his camp experience). His dad and I discussed the idea and modified the punishment to not being able to buy anything for two days (out of six) and for having to pay for anything he buys after that from his savings. I felt we had handled the whole thing well, discussed the issues clearly, impressed our son with the seriousness of what he'd done and chosen appropriate consequences.

So, today we had a long play family play date with a family with whom we are close friends. On the way home, my son said ''I want a digital watch for Christmas'' I said we'd discuss it later. Then, when I went to say good night to him, he said, ''Oh mom, I forgot to show you what I got today.'' He showed me a digital watch that I had seen earlier in the day at our friends' house. He said one of the kids gave it to him. My initial comment was that the child shouldn't have given it to him and we'd need to give it back. A bit more talk disclosed that his friend had not given it to him, he 'd just taken it. I told him this was not okay, that I was taking it back to our friends' house right away (they live nearby) and that we'd discuss it further in the morning (I'd have taken him with me, but he was already in bed; I wanted to go right away because this evening would be my last chance to see the parents in person to discuss it for several weeks).

I've returned the watch. It belongs to his friend's younger brother. Tomorrow I plan to have my son write a letter of apology to be personally delivered (by my son) to the watches owner. And we'll discuss not taking things without asking, not making up stories, etc. again. And probably add another day or two of no treats at the camp store. My husband and I don't know what else to do.

There are two spearate issues here: stealing and making up stories about it. We didn't ''catch'' him taking things or even suspect things had been taken; both times he's volunteered that he has his ill gotten gains, acompanied by some creative story telling. How do we deal with this? Worried Mom

5 year old son stealing

My son turned 5 in late October 2006. In December 2006, he stole a tube of lip balm from a local store. When we found out about the theft, he was punished with a time out and loss of video watching privileges. My wife also made him return the lip balm and apologize to the store manager. Just last week (February 2007), our son stole an inexpensive bracelet from a department store. While we will make him return it in person and talk to the manager of the store, we clearly need to do something else to help him to change his behavior. For what its worth, he asked for some other similarly small thing at the department store and was granted his request. I’m looking for suggestions on appropriate consequences so that until he is old enough to understand the moral reasoning involved with “why stealing is wrong” he at least knows that negative consequences will be forthcoming if he steals again. Thanks. concerned Dad

4-year-old is taking things from friends' homes

Hi- My 4-year-old son has been caught on a number of occasions stealing things- he has pocketed little toys and candy from stores and toys and knick knacks from friends' homes, etc. We have reprimanded him consistently, explained why it's not okay to steal, punished him by taking away his belongings, etc. Despite this, he continues to steal things! What to do? Anyone have experience with this embarassing and annoying problem? Help!

My 4 year old daughter is stealing!

I've been having a problem recently with my 4 year old daughter stealing from stores and sneaking around. A few months ago at her preschool, my daughter started putting trinkets, like little farm animals, blocks, and miscellaneous small toys in her backpack. As soon as I would discover them, we would talk about it and I would make her return the items to her school. Her school's position was not to make a big deal about it and just thank her for returning the objects. NOW, I've been having a problem with her taking things from stores, like bubble gum, which she knows I won't buy from her, and hiding them in her pocket. She's very crafty about it and one time even put the gum in her cowboy boot. When I discovered it in her boot I immediately walked her back to the store and had her return it and apologize. Once we walked out she started bawling. I assumed that was the end of this problem but now she has done it two more times. I'm very perplexed as to why she keeps doing something that she knows is wrong and gets punished for (like no TV, no playing for the day, no sweets). She only can tell me she wants the item that she has taken (and I've recently let her start chewing sugarless bubble bum as a way to diffuse the situation). I've been told just to ride it out, I'm handling the situation appropriately, and it is just a stage. Still, this seems so far from her normal behavior and I would like to know if anyone else has had this problem and how they dealt with it. Thank you. Frustrated mom. anon.

I grew up in a middle class home where we had plenty to eat, appropriate clothes to wear, lots of enrichment lessons and family trips abroad. Despite this, I stole regularly from a very young age all the way through high school, when I finally got caught in a way that landed me in serious hot water.

The atmosphere in my childhood home was pinched and angry. My parents didn't get along, and my mother constantly carped about the fact that my sister and I didn't understand the value of money (my parents never taught us how to handle money, nor did they ever discuss their salaries or the costs of various things we bought). She used to call me profligate (when I was 11!).

I think I began stealing early on--as in your daughter's age--because I felt a need to reward myself with something nice that I couldn't seem to get by asking. Now, in a deep psychiatric way I may have been looking for the love that wasn't present in my home...but if you don't want to go looking that far for an answer to what prompts your daughter's stealing, you might just take time to consider whether there's something missing from her life that she doesn't have the wherewithal to ask for or even name.

Of course, I could be wildly off base in terms of your child's experience, but that's how it was for me. I felt bereft and was trying to assuage my sense of lacking.

Good luck to both of you. Anon

My daughter attends a new school and I asked the new teachers to be on the lookout for this (who indicated that it was not uncommon and they would assist me). This school allows no toys in so it has not been a problem so far. One day my daughter came home in flashy, sparkly barbie underpants. I addressed this with the teacher who kindly took my daughter aside and had her return them . I don't know fully what she said but I know she provided a safe place to allow my daughter to admit she had taken something and to return it without feeling condemned.

We have not had an incident since. In fact my daughter stresses the need for honesty in all topics- even if difficult. The things I think I learned- 1) it is not unusual. It is certainly not unusual in mass mediated culture to want all the things around us. It is obvious as a child who has no buying power that if she wants it she needs to ''appropriate'' it. I also think part of the ''appropriating'' was a spontaneous grab and only afterwards did it become a ''lie''. In our case the lying came in laregely because of the way the teachers handled it. Give your child a safe place never to have to compound the action with a lie. I have given my daughter ways to earn money for things she wants which I will not buy (I thought this was too early at age 4- I was wrong and I could not cave to buying her things I did not approve of). Also focus on your daughter- don't surround her with too many temptations if you can avoid it while her own ego is developing. We switched schools (mainly for other reasons at the time)but the no toy policy and the focus on work has been fantastic in many ways. Perhaps you could go shopping largely without her.

If it continues and you are concerned, counselling may help you have better insight as to how to turn the craftiness and desire (for those are good qualities) to better ends. Stealing from a store does alarm me- fortunately our daughter has not done that yet- though I imagine all kids do at one time or another (I once stole a pack of gum. My mother marched me up to the security guard to tell. This only instilled sneakiness in me- would have been better to give me a way to get what I wanted). I don't think ignoring and having it blow over will work. It seems too easy to learn that taking is an easy way to get what you want- a ''quick fix''. We have also focused on books about being good friends (teatime for Francis), sharing, trickery and feelings. These have helped.

While books I researched in the library did not cover ''stealing'' they did cover ''lying'' (sears) These promoted the blow over theory. Books on moral development were generally more helpful-focus on developing rather than eliminating.....''taking'' can become ''achieving'' or taking can become ''stealing''. The child might (will) do the action but we can help channel the means, definition and outcome. good luck