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Need some advice: We have a 15-yr-old son who just finished grade 9 at a private school (he attended public previously). The private school didn't have much to offer in the way of extracurriculars (sports, clubs), but Son didn't still want to participate in anything. He wanted to come home right away after school, eat, and veg in front of the TV until I would literally turn it off and tell him to hit the homework. When we asked him about being on a sports team, he claimed he 'doesn't have time'. This has been the pattern at least for 2nd semester. I ran into a good friend of his yesterday (who goes to the local public, same grade), who is thriving. This kid is on the school soccer & track teams, and told me he is taking an AP class next year. (He and my son have been friends since 2nd grade, and I know my son is intellectually superior to Friend, eg Son was reading at grade 12 level in grade 7.) After chatting briefly with Friend yesterday, I became very depressed. Why is Friend thriving, and all Son wants to do is sit on couch? Son and Friend don't see much of each other anymore (different schools, different circle of friends). In fact, Son doesn't spend time with anyone. If you've read this far, you're going to suggest he's depressed-- I've already had him evaluated and he's been on Lexapro for mild anxiety, but that seems to make him lethargic, ie, not helping the vegging problem. In fact, he seems perfectly content to park himself in front of the TV, or computer, rather than seeking friends or participating in anything. We've decided to put him in the local public school for grade 10 and beyond, mainly because his academic experience was abysmal at the private school (he has to repeat 2 classes mainly due to not turning in his homework, which killed his grades). (BTW we have a grade 7 son who is just the opposite-- thriving, into sports, straight A student, lots of friends.) What should we do with Son-- how can we get him fired up about life and school? Get him into a sport or club? Start hanging with friends again? Thanks for any thoughts. Worried Mom
My teen needs to use his computer to do homework. The problem is that the computer is also the portal to all kinds of tempting distractions -- his Facebook page, youtube, AIM, etc. He can take 3 hours to complete what I consider to be about an hour's worth of homework because he flits back and forth between his assignments and the distractions. His work product isn't very good, either, because he's not focusing on it. I have talked to him 1,000 times about the benefits of finishing his work first so that he has free time to enjoy other things, but this message obviously hasn't sunk in. How do others handle this issue of computer use so that their kids stay focused on their work? Anon
Need a reality check. Our 9th grader plays video games about 20-30 hours per week. He can spend almost the entire weekend playing (with friends via the Internet). He gets B's in school, doesn't get into any trouble, and plays a sport once a week for 2 hours. He has no other hobbies, and hates to read. I'm thinking he'll grow out of this or at some point, get really tired of the video games. Should I be concerned or just let nature take it's course? Anon
I just told him one evening that he used to be a lot more interesting before he was consumed by video games. He talked about other things, drew more, etc. We have simply started limiting his time. You say your son hates to read, but you should make him read as much as he plays video games, or even half as much! Also, when he starts playing, give him a set time that he has to end, even set a timer for 5 minutes before so he can't give you that ''I can't save right now!'' crap.
Other ideas, some of which we've implemented pretty successfully:
-- more chores around the house and generally helping out
when asked (taking out the garbage, raking leaves, setting
the table, pulling stuff out of the dryer, etc.)
-- literally kicking him outside. Even if it is just to poke
at stuff with a stick or lay on the ground.
-- engaging him by setting aside time to do something
together (go for a walk, read side by side, make cookies,
teach how to fold his laundry, etc.)
My son gets straight As, tutors other kids once a week, trains in karate, and performs in a local drama program. So, I understand that he needs the down time, but he also needs to be a well rounded person, and it is my job to make that happen. Mary
My 13 year old has some pretty heavy learning differences. He's getting lots of help, has a great community of friends, good school, etc. That said.....
If I let him, he would watch TV or do electronic games 24/7. Everything else ''bores'' him. He's a hands on kind of kid. Learns by doing rather then reading and because of his learning issues he is not a reader. Aside from comics and recipes (he does like to cook) he NEVER picks up a book because it's such a challenge. He reads for school stuff only because he has to.
He fences as a sport and likes basketball. But every spare moment all he wants to do is watch TV or play one of his games. It's a battle to limit the time and unless I want to be involved in an activity with him all the time, he does not self-entertain very well.
I thnk the TV/Games create the cycle of wanting more....so how to put limits, end the cycles without totally taking it all out of the house. I could go on and on....I want to hear from parents who know exactly what i''m talking about and have successfully dealt with the issue (at least some of the time). Thanks in advance mom of teens
I've been wanting for some time to get hear other parents' thoughts about recreational computer use, particularly for preteen and adolescent boys. My sons sometimes seem unable to walk away from the games. They have friends who don't like to come over to visit because I limit computer time during play dates. The games they love best and want most (which I refuse to have in my house) are violent, and I think the graphics are creepy. The characters from the games, the game situations, become topics of unending conversations.
We have the "good" games: Oregon Trail (great background for our cross country move a few years ago), the variations on Sim City, Civilization (this one taught my younger son to read) and others. However, what they really like are what I call "shoot-em-ups." These they want to play endlessly. And when they and their friends have been playing long enough, when they stop they really seem restless, irritable, everything else is "boring." The computer seems to have replaced the TV as electronic baby sitter, too. Whenever we visit friends (and often when we have visitors), the kids end up around a computer, taking turns playing games. Sometimes the games can be played by two kids, but it's not exactly social engagement.
We have lots of limits about this kind of computer use: 30 minutes a day, a weekly breather from all computer use (Friday dinner to Sunday morning), but it is a constant unpleasant battle. Does anyone have any thoughts, experience, ideas about creating family life in (this part of) the computer age? I might add that my teenage daughter, a savvy computer user, and her friends NEVER play computer games! Emily
Video and computer games are a major pasttime for my kids and a major social activity for the two of them and their friends. If I didn't set some kind of limit, they would play them all the time. They try to get me to play them too, which I sometimes do. I don't really have any answers about how to discourage video games but here are my thoughts.
There are a few benefits to letting them play sometimes:
- social & collaborative skills. they rarely play these things alone - they seem to only enjoy doing it with other kids. They consult with each other, or play side-by-side. They instantly have something in common with lots of other kids, which helps with new or awkward social situations. The younger brother is better at video games so this is the one time when he has an edge over the older one. I suppose there is some skill involved - fast reflexes and fine motor coordination are probably importnat.
Then there are all the minuses:
- they would do it continually and never stop unless I set limits
- some of the games are gross and some are REALLY gross
- the music drives you insane
- fights between brothers break out predictably & regularly
- power struggles: one will share secret codes but the other won't
- they look like big sloppy slugs while they are playing
- think of all the activities they aren't doing while they
are playing video games (drawing, reading, musical instruments,
folding laundry, washing the car, etc.)
I think the video game syndrome is a lot like the sports fan syndrome - the need to be in the same room with a bunch of other guys watching some relatively mindless thing on TV and shouting and stomping together. Why can't they just garden or read murder mysteries instead?
I do try to keep it a minimum though. They keep their video system at their dad's - I won't buy them one for here. I allow them to bring it over occasionally (if a friend is sleeping over). We have a computer, so they can entertain themselves that way when I am not monopolizing it myself. And they do actually have other interests besides video. But you are right that their friends don't want to come over if there are no video games. "There's nothing to do" without video games.
Computer games: these are more solitary (like Myst) but they still prefer to play with another kid. Lately, though, the 15-y-o spends all his computer time in teen chat rooms where they all talk slang to each other or in sports chat rooms where they see who can brag about local teams the most convincingly. I monitor this somewhat but it doesn't take up as much time because there are so many people in the house who want to use the computer. G.
Last updated: Aug 9, 2009
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