Sexually Active Pre-teen
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Sexually Active Pre-teen
Oct 2000
This one is heavy, but it is critical. My son has learned that his
preteen daughter (my granddaughter) is sexually active. He is
distraught, unsure, and needs support. Wishes he had peers with teen
daughters and/or similar situation, to discuss with, but he does not.
Any suggestions at all for contacts, services, references to help this
young father (1) deal with his feelings about his daughter and (2)
deal with the situation as best as possible for his daughter's best
interests. -- Anonymous
I truly emphathize with your son. The first thing to find out is if she's
taking birth control, and get her to a pediatrician right away. A preteen
girl being sexually active makes any parent distraught. I believe you have
to approach it, especially after the fact, in a manner that's not
accusative and with a matter of fact, but concerned, attitude. There is
nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to undo it all However, you have to
communicate with your daughter your concerns in a loving way--that she
might get pregnant, that she's very young, still a minor, that her future
is with her having the freedom to make her own choices. It's important to
be protective and very watchful over your daughter. It's important that
you convey, and that she understands, the difference between the reality of
sex and the fact that sex as an image mirrored constantly in movies, on TV
and in magazines is not real, but just fantasy. You must impress upon her
the fact that she's still growing in mind and body, and that a preteen girl
needs to learn about being herself and, on a very practical matter, is
learning how to deal with own monthly menses (and therefore can now become
pregnant)--all part of being female and becoming a woman. At the preteen
age, she is beginning to learn how to deal with her own sex as friends, as
competitors for a guy's attention. She should be learning to enjoy and
build friendships and values by hanging out with her own sex, not always
fun and easy, but essential. Self-esteem is the most important trait to
nurture and develop at her age, not the complications and confusion that
come from having sex too soon and too young. You need to build her
self-esteem and make sure no one knocks it down by letting her know how
much you value her as a person, that she can turn to you, that you are
there for her. There is an organization, Big Brothers/Big Sisters of the
East Bay, and if your daughter doesn't have a mother to turn to in
discussing something as personal, for example, as her menses and you feel
uncomfortable talking about it, perhaps this type of organization can find
an older woman or older, mature teenage girl who can be her friend and
mentor. --jahlee
I had many talks with my daughter about this. And impressed upon her
that I did not condone such behavior by her, and would attempt to
limit it by controlling her time with her boyfriend in a house
unsupervised. I drove to his dad's house many times, because she was
there visiting without an adult being there, which was unacceptable to
me. Also I talked to the boy (whom I liked) and let him clearly know
that I felt sexual activities between them were unacceptable to me.
(Naturally this embarrassed my daughter. Sorry) I told my daughter
that she had to decide what to do, but she needed to know my position
very clearly. I remember being angry that both of this boy's parents
didn't seem particularly concerned. But I maintained my position and
felt that my daughter more or less in the end abstained.
Miriam
I was a sexually active by the time of thirteen, and later became a teenage
mom. I have this to say to the father-- now is not to worry about your
daughter's embarrassment about discussing sex. If she is having sex, she
needs to be able to discuss it and understand why she is choosing to have
sex, and, she should be able to understand and carry out the
responsibilities of being sexually active.
I believe that a lot of young teenage girls turn to sex because their
self-confidence plummets during the pre-teen years, and they are searching
for the approval and love and reassurance that they desperately need.
Unfortunately, they will not find it in sex. In fact, they are often
labeled by peers when they are sexually active and teased -- which brings
self-confidence down even further, and overwhelmed by the emotions the sex
introduces.
Your daughter is risking her life. She is exposing herself to sexually
transmitted diseases, and she is likely to get pregnant. When I was in high
school--it was reported that 25% of all teenagers got pregnant (I don't know
what the figures are now). That figure included teenagers that were not
sexually active. Many pregnant teenagers choose to have their babies for the
same reason why they begin to have sex too early-- they want unconditional
love--unconditional love that they have some control over.
I wish that my father and mother had talked to me more about sex and about
all of the emotions that sex involves. I wish that they had required me to
bring my boyfriends in to meet them before I went out. I wish they would
have given me more love and attention. I wish the had gone to my track
meets, I wish they would have tried harder when I shrugged away from them.
If they had-- I might not have looked for the love that they didn't give me
from somewhere else.
I tell my 11-year-old that he shouldn't have sex until he is emotionally
ready-- and that if he cannot talk with his partner about sex, and cannot go
through the process of getting tested for AIDS and talk about the use of
condoms with that person-- then the relationship is not ready for sex. I
also have shown my son pictures of sexually transmitted diseases, and soon
we will be doing volunteer work for people with AIDS. I have been
discussing sex with him since he was five. It it a subject that he feels he
can approach me about at any time-- and I bring it up with him often. I am
also very involved in his life. I hope that my precautions will prevent him
from being like I was--a teenage mom with a lot of emotional issues that
still haunt me today.
Anonymous
More discussion of the sexually active pre-teen:
Get her professional help NOW!! Premature sexual activity is very often a
sign of some sort of sexual abuse. Whatever the cause, the behavior is cry
for help and for limits. Additionally, while she needs to be talked to and
given information about preventing disease and pregnancy, she is a child and
she mostly needs to be protected. At her age, she should NEVER be allowed
opportunities to be alone with boys. If that means that she needs to attend
an afterschool program, or that you need to involve a neighbor who is home
during the day to do "spot checks" on who's at the house, or hiring a
highschool senior to stop by every afternoon for a couple hours, whatever it
takes to create the safety net to keep her safe from continued sexual
activity while she gets professional help from a therapist. Her school
guidance counselor would be a good resource to find a therapist. It is
important the restrictions be placed with the loving message, "it's my job
to keep you safe and these behaviors are dangerous", not "you are bad and
now I am punishing you." Whatever pushes girls to be sexually active at a
young age also makes them vulnerable to feeling "dirty". If you heed the
cry for help now with love and diligent parenting she might come out on the
other side stronger and more self-confident.
-S (mother of a teenage girl, who would be mortified to know I was
writing in, lest anyone think I had had experiences with her like this, so
for the record: I didn't)
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