Teens & Porn
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Teens & Porn
Sept 2006
My 14 year old son has just recently been visiting what look to be soft porn
sites when he thinks I am not paying attention. We have had all the safety on
the internet talks, and I have said ''no porn'' as a rule. Now I am not sure what
to do or how to enforce it. I am a single working mom, so he is home on his
own a fair amount, and he stays up later than me. I know it is natural for
boys this age to be curious (I remember the stories of our generation's boys
finding Playboys in their fathers' garages), and I also know that as soon as he
realizes I am checking his history he will figure out a way to hide it from me.
I don't want to take his computer away, as it brings him so much pleasure &
company (he is an only child), & he uses it for research. Also, 99% of the sites
he visits (at least up to now) are harmless. Any suggestions from parents who
have been there? Help!
Anonymous
Is it possible for you to accept that your son will look at
porn on the internet at this age, and talk to him about
porn, about images, good things about porn, bad things about
porn, etc., etc.? My (gay) 17-year-old foster son went
through a porn phase with a prior foster parent at around
the same age (he was 14 then, too), and it turned into a
major battle that ultimately triggered separation (there
were other issues, too, of course). With me, because he is
older (and past the porn phase), and because I didn't really
have a no porn rule (I told him that I didn't want him to
download anything on my computer, and to be careful not to
download anything on his own computer that would infect it
or cause problems), there's been no issue with porn. YMMV
Claudia
Feb 2006
My boys are 15 and 13. I have installed a filtering
software called ''Cyber Sitter'' to block the porn and other
inappropriate information. The software is doing it's job,
but my kids can still download nude and porn pictures and
saved them in a file. I guess they got them from their
friends through email? My 13 years-old boy can still go to
websites like Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of
Hollywood to look at those sexy lingerie and get excited.
So please tell me what else I can do. Thanks.
Still frustrated Mom
Perhaps you can talk to your sons. I find that so many parents are terrified of
their children seeing naked bodies. My thought is that there are worse
things, such as the violence that is often shown on television or the
disrespectful way that I often see young kids acting today.
I recently came across websites on my 12 yo's computer that I was not
thrilled with finding, I admit. However, I did not put a filter on it. Instead I sat
down with him and explained that those sites are disrespectful to women,
that many of the women shown are in very bad places in their lives and he
needs to understand the background of what he's seeing. He was mostly
embarrasseed by the whole thing, and will he look at them again? probably. I
just feel that trying so hard to keep kids away from things draw them to it
even more. Instead, communicating with them and educating them might be
a better approach.
If you look to European beliefs you will see that they have far fewer problems
then we do yet have a much more liberal way of handling things.
-just my 2 cents
Nov 2004
hi,
my son is (understandably) very interested in all things
related to sex. we discovered a few months ago that he was
looking up porn on our computer that we had neglected to
safeguard (his was blocked) and ordered hundreds of
dollars of porn on cable (now blocked). so my concerns
are that he has seen a one sided view of sex. i've
already expressed my concern to him - in terms of the
messages and images that porn can contain that are
negative to him and to women. that that is not what he
should consider to be a realistic idea of what sex is.
however, his interest is persisting - he still tries to
sneak on my computer. i have thought about getting him
some erotica books so he can feed his curiosity without
so many of the blatant images of online porn. i'm
thinking of getting some female written erotica to give
him more of a sense of what women consider interesting and
tend to have a healthier and more intimate view of sex.
what are the drawbacks of this idea? books to recommend?
i did already give him a book that discusses some of the
biology etc that is going on in his body/head so that's
covered.
your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
thank you
I had a teenaged boy (still do. He's 18) who has always had
a hefty interest in sex, which by the way, I think is
totally normal and healthy. I do agree that pornography is
a one-sided view, but it's very hard to divert their
attention to alternatives. Pornography is a turn on, and
it's almost always made for the male eye, which is why the
boys find it so compelling. I would not censure his porn
viewing completely, becuase he will find ways to get it (my
son always had a friend that had some tapes, and then of
course, he found a box of porn in our garage which I didn't
realize were still there). However your idea about getting
him some erotica is quite sound. Although I do not think
he'll find women's erotica terribly stimulating (it's that
male view point again), it certainly is a good way for him
to envision what women enjoy (be careful here, because
there's a LOT of S/M and B/D in female erotica, as you
probably know, and you don't want to compound the standard
porno dogma that women like to be man handled and raped).
The best suggest I have is to go to Good Vibes -- they have
a good selection of material for adolescents about their
growing sexuality, and have some tamer erotica and porn as
well that your son may find stimulating but that doesn't
encourage the misogynstic viewpoint that most mainstream
porno perpetuates. Also remember that men tend to be far
more visually oriented than women, sexually, and reading
isn't going to be what your son wants. He may do it out of
curiousity, but it is probably not going to satisfy his
desire to ogle pornography, because most likely porno is
what gets him off.
Most of all, encourage open discussion. The better informed
he is, the better he will be able to cope with his sexuality
without feeling guilty about it, and the more open and
sensitive he will be with his future partner(s).
Heather
March 2003
I am a single parent. My 16 year old son is a good student
with little social life. I am concerned that he might be
becoming addicted to internet porn. I idly checked the
history of recent hits on his browser and was suprised to
see the quantity of teen porn sites he had visited. He
appears to spend hours a night visiting these sites. I
have not told him what I have discovered. Should I just let
this pass as long as he manages to fulfill his obligations
or should I be concerned about long term damage? For
example, is there some risk that he will have an
increasingly difficult time dating girls? He
seems shy and avoids encounters with them. He is becoming
irritable and distant from me. (I expect that is normal for
this age!) My feeling is that his sexual thoughts are his
business but I do not want to make a mistake as a parent.
In response to the single mother who wondered whether her
16 years old son viewing pornography was simply a matter of
being entitled ''to his own sexual thoughts'' or whether such
viewing (frequent in his case) is cause for concern, it's
fair to say that it should be seen as a matter to be
addressed without becoming hysterical. A fair amount of
research indicates that the sexual images teen age boys
view (and inevitably masturbate to) become ''imprinted'' i.e.
become habituated to by the reinforcement of the pleasure
of ejaculation. For such a youngster to view images of
women being demeaned or raped or humiliated or engaging in
physically painful sexual acts could not be a good thing,
and may lead to real damage in terms of developing healthy
attitudes toward sex and toward women. Furthermore, it has
been impossible to prevent the purveyers of child
pornorgraphy from using the Internet, but you need to be
aware that intentionally bringing up child pornography may
subject your son to criminal prosecution, to say nothing of
the fact that viewing such material is tantamount to
endorsing the despicable abuse of children by the
manufacturers of this repugnant material. So yes, you
would do well to speak to your son in depth about this and
consider obtaining a disc that serves as a Parental
Controls filter, eliminating as much controversial material
as possible.
Jules
Are there any parents of teenage sons who DON'T have experience with
porn? I thought it was pretty normal -- I have two sons. I found that
porn sites were a fairly small percentage of what they were looking at
- mostly they visited music, sports and games. The only caveat I
would add is to say I know from my own email inbox that there is some
pretty gross stuff out there now on the internet. Makes Playboy look
wholesome in comparison. Not only do you NOT have to look very hard
to find it, it can arrive in your mailbox or pop up on a web browser
without you even doing anything. One mistakenly-typed web address can
result in a lot of cascading pop-ups of stuff you really don't want to
see and probably didn't even know humans engaged in. Chances are your
teen is going to also think this stuff is gross and is really just
looking for more of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue type stuff.
I think it is a good idea to tell him what your feelings are about
porn. One way of bringing it up with your son is to say that people
were talking about internet porn today in the Teens newsletter and you
were just wondering if he's had a problem with gross stuff popping up
on his screen or coming in to his email. Then you could talk about
what YOU do when that happens. With my boys it seems like they
appreciated me acknowledging that a lot of parents report their teens
look at porn. I didn't tell them they couldn't look at it. I told
them that I would respect their privacy because "it seems like a lot
of teens do that". But they have to keep it out of my sight and they
had to listen to my lecture about why I object to the T&A stuff they
were looking at.
a mom
Feb 2003
Hi,
I just discovered that my almost 12 year-old son has been
surfing hardcore pron sites on the net. It is very out of
character and when I asked him about it he said that it was
addictive and foreign at the same time. The UCB Parent home
page doesn't have much info-- although I'm sure ours is not the
first kid to have been tempted. The accessibility of real
extreme stuff (that is overwhelming to me as an adult!) is so
easy that we're not sure how to go about creating a ''safe'' zone
in which there is a legitimate exploration of sexuality. I would
love to hear from others as to how they coped.
Thanks!
A Stunned Mom
I have a 7th grader and while I know that sometimes the porn
sites pop up by accident (they're incredibly devious) I also
believe that sometimes he surfs or gets a referral to
www.!#%!.com from his friends (we once found a magazine too).
The magazine was confiscated without fanfare, when we see porn
sites we say ''you really shouldn't look at this stuff'' and tell
him again why but don't punish him, and we have ongoing
discussions about sex (to my surprise he really didn't know
EXACTLY how intercourse was done), respecting yourself enough to
only engage in caring relationships built on mutual respect
(including engaging in sex with oneself as being in this category
when done in private!!), and how pornography disrespects women
and that in fact the women potrayed are living examples of self
mutilation (fake hair, surgical altered noses, lips, breasts,
buttocks, thighs, and some even remove molars and ribs!!). That
actually grossed him out. But basically, we don't freak about the
issue and I think our rather matter of fact approach has
minimized the attraction but I don't expect that he'll NEVER
check out a porn site (hey, my husband checks out the
Victoria Secrets catalogue and the swimsuit issue of Sports
Illustrated from time to time, despite theoretically agreeing
with me on how its so adolescent!!).
Karen H.
1999
I recently found out by accident that my 13 year old son has been looking at nude
photos of women on the web when I am not home. While this seems the current
version of a boy putting the Playboy under his mattress, I would be interested to
hear points of view of how to handle this. While my inclination is to do and say
nothing, I have some of my own objections to this type of objectification of
women and sex. I also don't like the spam that results from him having searched
these sites, which accelerates the temtation and opportunity in a way a newsstand
never did. Any comments or advice welcome.
I am also concerned, and would be grateful for discussion of this issue.
My 15 year old son is downloading not only nude photos but also short video
clips of live sex. At the moment, he's not aware that I'm aware - he has
his own computer in his own room, and so I'm uncertain how to proceed since
my knowledge is an invasion of his privacy. I also find pornography
distasteful, but I'm not naive about this phase of adolescence. The
videoclips are the most disturbing to me... I figure I'd start by finding
an article in a magazine or newspaper about pornography, and just 'idly'
start a conversation about how I feel about the girls who choose to do
this, how sad that they are allowing themselves to be viewed in this
way--try to prod him to reflect on how these materials are created. Other
ideas?
It's very very easy for kids to access 'adult-only' websites.
Anonymous
I stumbled across some bookmarked XXX web sites on the family computer
a few years ago - I have teenage sons. I was concerned because I
consider myself a feminist, have tried to raise my sons to be so, and
have always thought most porn to be degrading to women. I talked to a
few friends about it and heard especially from the dads that this is
really typical teen male behavior and maybe not healthy to forbid
it. So here is what I did, and it has worked really well. I told my
kids that I heard from other parents that teenage boys look at porn a
lot. I said I think porn might make people think that all women are
big-breasted fluffy-heads who want to have sex all the time, and women
are not like that. I said I am sure they understand that porn is total
fantasy and has nothing to do with reality. Then I said it is fine
with me if they look at it in private on the computer as long as they
understand this. I said that I do not ever want to come across any
magazines lying around the house or see any X-rated web pages pop up
when I sit down to use the computer. Then I showed them how to make
their own bookmarks on Netscape and I told them that I would respect
their privacy and not snoop around in their bookmarks as long as they
kept their part of the agreement. The younger son then 13 was very
embarassed by the whole discussion and said nothing. The older son
said "Great! Thanks Mom. Does that mean you will get me a
subscription to Playboy?" (ha! of course not!)
This has been our policy for the past three years, and there have been
no incidents, no problems whatever. I think they do sometimes
look at porn but it seems to be a very thin slice of their total
computer time. They mainly want to play computer games and look at
sports and music. I think my being matter-of-fact about it has made
it much less alluring than it would have been if I'd become preachy
and emotional about it.
A good way to start a conversation:
"In the Parents of Teens newsletter today, some of the parents were
talking about their kids looking at porn on the web ..."
Anonymous
I would like to respond to the parent whose son is looking at Internet
porn. I'm ashamed to say that my 18 year old son, who lives at home, was
doing the same thing. I'm not going to address the issue of it being okay or
not (I find Playboy offensive, and Internet porn is light-years worse than
Playboy). But I am going to post A WARNING: there are porn sites on the
Internet (where anyone with full access to the Net can go) which can cut off
your normal Net server and redial to another country, at which point you
begin to accrue enormous phone charges that appear as international phone
calls on your phone bill. The charges can be more than $6 per minute. The
warning box (that pops up at all porn sites, I'm told) looks innocent enough
- it tells the viewer that the material they are about to see is adult
material and you must be 18 years or older to see it. At the bottom is a box
that says, "I agree." But unless one scrolls down the warning box, you don't
see that the site is for pay. Somehow, the company is able to bypass the
need for a credit card and can dial directly from your line. You won't get
any warning of this until your phone bill arrives. My son accrued over $185
in charges without realizing it.
AT&T will not forgive these charges. I have already filed a complaint
about this to the FCC and the FTC. If anyone else has had this problem they
also should file a complaint. What AT&T can do is block your phone from
dialing international phone numbers unless you give the operator a password.
What you can do is limit your son's access to porn by setting parental
controls on the Net. AOL and Earthlink allow you to customize, to a degree,
the kind of sites your son can access. I believe there are a number of
programs you can buy that do the same thing.
-Anonymous
I just want to encourage you to use this as an opportunity to discuss your
values re sexuality with your son and find out how he feels about what he has
seen. It is not easy, I know, to actually sit down and have that
conversation. As knowledgeable and sophisticated as we are about these
things, it is tough when it is our own child. My 15 year old son has not
been too interested in porn but I know he talks about these things with his
friends. I made it a point to sit down with him and share my perspectives on
relationships and what it means to be in a trusting, loving relationship. In
other words, what I think would need to be present in his relationship with
someone before he is ready for sex. Some examples, could he share his
deepest feelings with his partner and have them respected and vice versa, did
each of them follow through on their commitments to each other, could they
discuss birth control and stds in a open and caring way? I told my son that
we needed to discuss these issues now and open up a dialogue because when the
time came that he was seriously considering sex with someone, he probably
would want his privacy about it. We also talked about the time and energy it
takes to have an intimate relationship and the balance of this with other
aspects of his life. There is also the issue of peer pressure and how to
handle this. I tried to convey the message to my son that I think sex is a
good thing and that it is wonderful to enjoy ourselves in this way. Finally,
there is such a big difference between porn and real relationships and I
think this needs to be addressed. The issue of objectifying women and men is
a big one. There is also the issue of the amount of time he is looking at
this material and what your limits are about this. This is all probably too
much to cover in one sitting with a 13 year old, but just wanted to share my
perspective on it. Additionally, does your son have other materials on hand
that provide factual information as well as teen perspectives? There are
some good books at Codys on this material. Its a big topic, but I really
admire you for facing the issue and support your efforts on your son's
behalf. By the way, I did take the parenting of teens class with Bonnie
Baldwin which she offers periodicly and one of the classes goes into this in
more detail. Good luck.
C.
This is in response to the person who posted that their son was
viewing pornography on-line. I strongly believe that this is not just
something that teen boys do -- i.e., "boys will be boys". I believe
it can be extremely harmful. What is a teen boy going to do with all
this sexual stimulation? How can a parent know if their son (or
daughter) is going to become addicted to porn or take actions to
duplicate what they've seen on-line in real life?
My experience with an organization whose exclusive focus was
counseling teen sexual abusers (and victims) was that many of their
clients had merely listened to telephone sexual sites (this was some
years ago before everyone had pc's at home). This level of sexual
stimulation prompted sexual experimentation with younger siblings,
cousins, neighbors, etc. My child (now a teen) was one of these
victims. Please consider the risks and take measures to stop the
horror of sexual abuse from cycling through our culture.
Allowing teens to view porn is dangerous not only for the viewer but
for potential victims of sexual abuse resulting from the actions of
sexually stimulated porn viewers. I URGE all parents to take this
issue and research it thoroughly. Become an expert on sexual abuse by
reading case studies of abusers and the abused. It can be surprising
to learn who these people are and what their backgrounds are.
Anonymous
At our house we've found that even if our son does not
go looking for porn online, there is really no way to keep
him from ever seeing it. So far he has been "grossed out"
by media, including movies, that "go too far." He is 13
and I expect at some point his curiosity about pornography
will make itself known. Right now he uses the computer
only for research or online games. I know which sites
he visits because I also use his machine to check pages
I've designed on mine.
Porn has become more of a problem for me than for him
because I do most of my work online. While I am not
in favour of censorship, I think porn site owners should be
MUCH more responsible about honest advertising. I cannot
count the number of times I've clicked a link thinking I would
find subject-specific material only to end up having a tasteless
gynecological photo splashed on my screen. I know that all
major search engines have changed the way they index pages
to prevent owners from forcing their sites to the top of a hit list
but they cannot control false indexing.
Another problem is the domain names. If I were to type in
"www.(porn related word).com I would expect to find exactly
that. But if I type "www.(something not even remotely X rated).com
I don't appreciate being taken to the "Den of Desire"
Even more frustrating is the new code that does not allow
you to immediately back out of the site. Many sites have
embedded code that takes you to another porn site if you
use the back button or try to close the window. We have
yet to find a filter to prevent these pages from taking over.
If anyone has had this problem and found a solution, please
let me know!
Renay
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