Teens & Internet Porn
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Teens & Internet Porn
Sept 2009
I have discovered that my 12 year old daughter has gone on a porn site
a few times and I am obviously concerned, not happy about those images
being so available to her and the objectification of sex etc. I am not
sure how to proceed. I don't know a lot about blocks. I told her that
I was thinking about putting a block up so that she could only go on
approved website and she was very upset by this because she likes to
be able to discover new websites, mostly quite innocent, and I don't
mind her using the computer in this way. I definitely want to have a
conversation with her about this but am also sensitive to making her
feel ashamed about this, which I don't want to do. If anyone is open
to sharing their experience in this realm, and also any suggestions
about different forms of control for the internet. Not wanting to take
away all her privacy but also not wanting to ignore this slippery slope.
concerned mom
I had this with my son last year, when he was eleven. I spoke to him
as you probably have spoken to your daughter, explaining that I
understood that he was curious about sex, that he wanted to learn more
and that it was exciting. But I also talked about how porn is a
fantasy, how it objectifies and abuses people, and how it can become
addictive and replace real intimacy with fantasy. And then I got him
some books about sex for kids his age. And I told him that I would
check to make sure that he wasn't using our home computer to look at
these sites. Perhaps your daughter is more astute or computer
literate than my son, but he didn't realize that the browser has a
history and that I can check it. All he knows is that I seem to know
(supernaturally) when forbidden sites have been viewed, and he has
ceased and desisted. Treating this matter-of-factly and offering
substitute sources of information (if not titillation -- the books
aren't very useful on that score....) seemed to help a lot. You can
go into details with your daughter about how sites usually modify how
bodies look, how they place women in the role of sex slaves or take
away their dignity in other ways, etc. This provides a good forum for
talking about how to value one's own body and dignity. Good luck!
another mom of a pre-teen
Oh, I'm sorry. I know how that feels. I wish I would have put a
filter on the computer sooner, but naively didn't think it was time
yet. We now use SafeEyes, http://www.internetsafety.com/ and are very
happy with it. It took a few days to get all the filters correct so
that he wouldn't get blocked on everything, but now it works great!
Laura
Are she accidentally visiting these sites or is she is intentionally
seeking out these web sties? YouC",b"ve got several problems.
Take a look at posts last week and the week before for Naughty
Facebook
Chat and Facebook Safety for 12 year old.
If any of the images your daughter is viewing involves minors you
have got a bigger problem. You ISP will notify the FBI who will be
monitoring your account and activity. Take a look at what happened
to Julie Amero, (State of Connecticut v. Julie Amero).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State_of_Connecticut_v._Julie_Amero
-
Tell her something that gives her the message that kids are curious
and thats normal, but porn is very uncool. The people who produce it,
perform in it, and consume it...are not the kind of people you want to
hang out with. It also gives you weird ideas about relationships, and
bodies, and self image, and sex. If you want to see naked mammals
having sex, watch the Nature Channel:)
Cool vs not-cool
In response to 12-year-old daughter and pornography on internet, a
few comments. First, unfortunately it is nearly impossible to block
these sites successfully. pink.com for example, an extremely graphic
website, has all sorts of tricks to avoid blocking. Better to have
heart-to-hearts about objectification of body or whatever sensibility
re: sex you wish to impart. Also note, for those teen anime (manga)
lovers, there are actually anime pornography sites (''hantei'').
In my opinion, there is no way to avoid the graphic sexual images and
distorted messages for kids-- internet, TV, peers--welcome to the
real world, for better or worse. Maintaining a conversation about
real intimacy, the emotional power and beauty of sex, and
noncensorious understanding of curiosity have strengthened openness
with my son, now 17. As in, crisis=opportunity.
or, as, Mr Rogers said ''You never have to be afraid of the truth.''
mapless but learning
OMG! (oh my gosh to newbies) You let your 12 y.o. on the internet
without a safety net, password, filter, knowing her passwords,
anything? You are inviting millions of strangers right into your
living room. First get and read this book - ''Safety Monitor: How to
Protect Your Kids Online'' written by Det. Mike Sullivan. No, first
get your 12 year old off the computer. You need to give her the
illusion of privacy, but you need to have complete control over the
computer. 8 years ago my then 13 y.o. daughter met someone in a chat
room and began a relationship. We didn't have the resources available
that we have now, so the consequence was that she pretty much had no
privacy.
Eventually, she will mature enough to gain priveledges from you, but
until then you need to have all of her passwords, restrict sites, get
keylogging software, lock out porn, no my space etc. Please be
internet safe. Too many children - especially young girls - are
victimized this way. Good luck to you.
been there twice
August 2009
I am extremely distressed as my 11 1/2 yr. old boy went on a porn site
mentioned by a classmate. I know about it b/c it happened on my
computer, which does not have parental controls and I check the
history regularly. I saw it within an hour and discussed it with him,
including a discussion on degradation and the business of pornography.
He wanted to know why people allow such things on ''their'' websites
etc. I understand people have varying degrees of tolerance and I am
probably on the strict end of what I think is acceptable, but please,
I am not looking for lectures. I feel sick that he has been exposed to
such harsh and degrading images at his age and that, at a minimum,
lewdness is so easily accessible on the net. For example, even with
parental controls, I cannot block out all the incredibly vulgar and
suggestive videos which fall short of official porn on youtube. What
can I do to guide him appropriately over the next few years? Please
advise.
anon
I sympathize; when my son was 11 he googled ''sex'' and you can just
imagine what came up in that search! I, too, saw in the browser
history that there were some, let us say, highly suspect web page
titles and I was very upset. But I thought back to when I was 11 (I
can actually remember that far back still...) and remembered that
around that time I started to have sexual feelings and strong
curiosity. The sources of info were extremely limited, since I was
afraid to talk to my parents (my beloved mother was and is, in my
estimation, extraordinarily prudish). So there was nothing nefarious
or abnormal about his motivation (or your son's motivation) in trying
to get whatever info/stimulus he could. I think you did exactly the
right thing by emphasizing the degrading factor of porn, both for the
participants and the person watching, and another aspect you might
point out that is very important is that this is not a realistic
representation of bodies, sex, relationships, gender roles, or
emotion. That is, I think, key. I went straight to a bookstore with
my son and picked out a couple of the new, explicit books for teens on
sex -- I think they're great. If you have values that differ
significantly with those represented in the books, you can make it an
opportunity to discuss why you feel and think differently. But I
think you have acted well, and the main thing is to continue open
communication, not stigmatize or get too uptight if you can manage it,
but be honest about why you feel the way you do and what you think is
important to know about sex. I don't think you can block out the
internet entirely - there are plenty of places to access the internet
besides your house. The essential thing is not to place blocks on the
computer (which don't really work, in my experience), but to educate
your child and help him grow into making good choices for his own
sexual and emotional health.
curious george's mama
I have web protection on my kids pc's in the home and each has its'
own password to access windows AND the internet, but I didn't add it
to my pc either. Now I do!
Since I also have an eleven-year old son who selected a site,
because one day I had left my pc ''open'', NetNanny notified me via
email of the questionable site and I am grateful that I had this
program in place. I verified it to be a questionable site. It had
a door that read ''when you see this van rocking, don't come
knocking''! I clicked and clicked and nothing huge came up but it
definitely was a site that is off limits to a child, so I entered
this addy into the off-limits sites listing on my netnanny program
for the future. Most site are blcoked successfully, this is one
that got away, as there will be others I am sure :)
My son doesn't fight me on this stuff, but we did have a talk, same
as you and your son did. Whether or not the talk worked for him,
the Net Nanny will keep him OUT from ALL of the pc's when I am not
right there! Good luck!
lisa
I don't think you should be too worried, eventually he will be looking at porn on his own,
however 11 is young, so I understand your frustration. I think that you need to tell him
that pornography puts a false light on the way women should be treated and frankly some
of the sites out there portray women as objects. You need to draw the line and explain to
him that porn is not real life.
Here are some good links:
http://theporntalk.com/porntalk/talks.asp
It illustrates how to talk about porn to different age groups. I hope this helps you out.
-Jake
This reply is both for the topic listed and also for the parent
writing about the teen watching gay porn. I suggest to both families
(and everyone else too) that you look into OWL (Our Whole Lives)
sexuality education for your children.
OWL is a highly respected program originally produced collaboratively
by the Unitarian Universalist Association and United Church of Christ
(UCC-Congregational). However, the religious component is small--and
optional.
You can find these classes at your local UU congregations and
probably also at UCCs. (I am a UU education director so I can only
speak for my denomination.)
OWL classes offer age-appropriate workshops about sexuality, self-
worth, and respect for diversity. If kids are looking at porn, they
obviously are curious and ready to learn more about the world of sex
and sexuality, much of which is safe and healthy (not the porn part!)
and an important part of most people's lives.
Anyway, I recommend you find the right age level class and go to the
mandatory parent orientation. You can also look online at uua.org.
I think there is a homeschool version too if you can't find a class,
but I recommend the peer experience.
I would appreciate knowing if this advice was helpful.
Tory Sonstroem,
Director of Religious Education,
First Unitarian Universalist Church of Stockton
In my opinion, you've already done the things that are going to guide
him over the next few years; if children are brought up to respect
women, they won't find much enjoyment in seeing them degraded. At your
son's age some exploring and experimenting is to be expected -- I'd
worry if it didn't happen -- but the values you've been inculcating
for the last 11 years ought to provide enough ballast to keep him on
an even keel.
I'm not a big fan of filters -- they just inspire people, especially
young adolescents, to figure out ways to get around them. I do believe
in keeping the computer in a public place in the house, or at least
making it known that you go through the browser history regularly,
just in case.
John
I have 2 boys both close in age to yours. They had the exact same
thing happen, a friend came over and showed them a site. But I
think this is going to happen at their age. Natural curiosity. I'd
rather know about it than not so I can help manage it, so I was very
calm about the whole thing and we talked about different sites and
what would be dangerous or not. In terms of degrading, well, some
is and some isn't. Some is healthy. In Europe you see it all the
time and it doesn't feel degrading. My husband was raised that way
and has so much guilt around even looking at a woman sexually it is
hard. So I'd rather my boys have a healthy interest in a safe way.
Good luck with your decisions!
anon
August 2009
I don't know what to make of this and I'm hoping you enlightened
parents can help. I have a teen who's recent computer history shows
that he's viewing gay porn - male on male. He does not know that I
have been viewing his history occasionally, but yesterday he had a
glitch with his computer and was demonstrating the problem when I
noticed that a tab was open for gotgayporn.com. I commented on it
(thinking it was a good opportunity to talk about what I had seen in
the history) and he brushed me off by saying it was lesbian porn and
that boys his age find it stimulating. Later in the day I looked up
the site and saw lots of video clips of male on male and solo male
sex acts. When I had a chance I told him what I saw when I looked up
the site, and he brushed me off again, saying that what he looks at
is female on female. Up until I saw this stuff, I would never have
thought that my son could be gay, but its nagging at me. My husband
says he has NEVER been attracted to gay sex or men. When I was in
college, I had a lesbian relationship, but until it literally fell
into my lap, had never had any desire to be with a woman and
continued to sleep with men through that relationship. Though, as I
am sure many straight women can attest, the sight of a sexy woman can
be physically stimulating. Should I be probing my son further about
his sexual preference or should I just let this sort itself out? Can
any male parents out there comment - gay or straight?
confused parent
I wouldn't compare how you or your husband are or were, it's about
your son. While I'm not an advocate of teens looking at porn (it's
artificial and without emotion), it could be your son is trying to
figure out what he feels and who he feels it for. This is very natural
at this age (though you don't say how old he is). Please don't squash
it. Allow him to explore his feelings. If he is gay and wants to be
open with you at some point he must know that you will accept him. My
daughter was in 8th grade and had joined the Gay-Straight Alliance at
her school. It was a great place for kids feel okay about each other
and to help others to understand about homosexuality (and homophobia).
At first I was surprised when she told me she was bi, I didn't expect
it. But I got used to it. Whatever your son's sexual preferences are,
he is still your baby!
Go easy and go slowly, that's my advice. Your son will gravitate to
people he is comfortable with and will figure it out. Be there for him.
anon
It seemed in your posting that your greatest worry is not that your
son is viewing porn, but that he might be gay. Is that right? A
couple of things: as I noted in a posting above (about a much younger
kid), discussions about pornography (not whether the pornography is
gay, lesbian, etc., but just about pornography) seem very important
now. That discussion, though, should probably try to avoid harsh
judgment and just stick to reasoned conversation about what might be
wrong with porn. Then another issue is your access to your teenager's
space and what you do with it. I agree that we need to know about
what our kids are looking at and that we need to talk to them about
it. I don't think internet porn in general is a good habit,
especially if it replaces or negatively influences real-life
relationships. But in your post it sounded a little like you might be
hectoring your son. He has sexuality that is his and private, I would
say. He shouldn't have to share intimately (in my humble opinion)
with his mom. To put this into context, my mother (rather prudish, as
I noted above) once confronted me during my teenaged years in a very
upset manner and demanded to know: ''Have you been masturbating?'' Now,
what would any self-respecting person say to that? We obviously
didn't have the kind of relationship in which I felt I could talk to
her about masturbation, as the very idea put her through the roof. I
wonder whether your fears/concerns about your son's sexuality make it
difficult for the two of you to talk? I would say that it might be
useful for you to talk to a therapist about your concerns, or maybe
contact your local chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of
Lesbians and Gays) to see if they have a recommendation for someone
sympathetic who could help you negotiate this situation
(www.pflag.org). Good luck in figuring out a way to handle the
changes in your son's life.
curious george's mama again
If I were in your shoes, I think I'd just let him know that if he is
gay, you're fine with it and will be supportive. He may still brush
you off, but he'll know where you stand and will eventually feel more
comfortable talking to you about it if the time comes.
I don't know whether an interest in gay porn necessarily means he's
gay. My husband experimented with a gay relationship in college, but
decided it was nothing more than an experiment, so there are men out
there who test the waters and aren't gay.
anon
Definitely gay. I am a straight man (with a gay brother), and I have
NEVER met a man or boy who viewed male gay porn who wasn't gay. I
have never met a man who could even look at gay porn for more than a
few seconds without feeling uncomfortable and moving very quickly to
something else. While it may be just a stereotype, women in general
seem to be more comfortable with both male and female gay sex. And
while it is true, non-gay men almost all like viewing female-on-
female sex, your son is just making excuses assuming you are correct
that those sites he is viewing are exclusively male on male sites.
Girl on girl sites seem to be usually either sites for straight men,
or specifically lesbian sites meant for straight men and/or for gay
women. Male gay sites are often strictly male gay sites, nothing
else, it seems.
Maybe do what I did with my daughters; I simply made this statement
at an opportune moment. ''I want you to know that it doesn't matter
to me AT ALL whether you prefer guys or girls. I just want you to be
happy and to feel like you can talk to me about your preference in
partners, male or female.''
At that point they both said of course they are into guys. And that
turns out to be the case. But the point is, if they had been gay and
wondering how I might react, it gave them permission, so to speak, to
tell me that they were gay. They didn't have to worry about how I
would react because I told them straight out that it wasn't a problem
for me.
sean
The way to find out if your son is gay is first to tell him that no
matter what his orientation is he's your son, you love him, and that
will never change. You may have to repeat that a few times. And you
may have to wait months or years for an answer -- and then he may
change the answer as he matures further.
The fascination with male-on-male gay porn could be just a phase, or a
way of dealing with a fantasy that will always be just a fantasy, or a
way of processing some experiences you haven't heard about. The cover
story about ''lesbian porn'' bothers me a little -- why doesn't he think
he can come clean with you? Anyway, you can't dose him with truth
serum or waterboard him, so you're just going to have to let him know
he's your kid no matter what and see what he's willing to tell you.
By the way, your husband's sexual proclivities and your own are not
much of a clue to your son's. Straight people have gay kids, gay
people have straight kids, there's no telling.
John
My 14-year-old stepson has given some signals that his sexuality might
go either way, and I very much agree with the other posters that the
best message is one of acceptance.
I also want to recommend a web site that I recently learned about,
scarleteen.com. It provides accurate, honest, funny, and accepting
information about sexuality, including the emotional aspects. It's
definitely queer-friendly, and has lots of information about
questioning your sexuality. It's like getting information from your
hip, funny, responsible 25-year-old cousin.
The folks who run the site have put a lot of the same information into
a book, ''S.E.X.'' I just ordered a copy for my house.
Love your kid and the rest will follow from there
I had questions about my son's sexual orientation when he was young,
but by high school he showed interest in girls, so I put my thoughts
on the matter aside. Once he ventured a casual ''what-if'' question
about my reaction if he were gay, and I regret that I kind of brushed
his question aside and didn't take it seriously. Then, after dating
girls for several years, toward the end of his junior year in college
he came out to me and a few close friends.
I think he had been trying to figure it all out and also navigate
teenage social life, so he kept it completely to himself for a long
time. We've always been very close, and I've wondered, if I had been
more receptive when he brought it up, whether he might have felt
comfortable in confiding sooner, and less afraid of judgment. Of
course, it's also possible that he needed time to come to terms with
his difference from the mainstream, and that nothing I did or did not
do made a difference.
The story has a happy ending, however, as he is now 24 and very
comfortable with his sexuality, as are his friends and family.
I have no advice on the porn issue, but would suggest that you stay
sensitive to how difficult it is for a young person to grow up
adjusting to their own differences and that you make sure your son
knows you'll cherish him for who he is.
Happy mother of a gay son
Oct 2007
Hi,
Please help! My daughter posted herself on Craigslist for
erotic services. We saw it accidentally on the computer
while she was out of the house. We have not spoken about
it to her and are at loss about what to do next.
She is only 17 and has been a ''good girl'' and a good
student. We do not have a lot of money, tru, but we have
always had values. She has been saying lately how she
wants to have an expensive car and designer clothes and
move out soon. She works part time in a restaurant and now
this!
Any ideas are welcome. Thank you.
Martha
Re: Craigslist
I would approach your daughter and ask her about it.
You don't have to panic or freak out, just tell her what you noticed
and ask
her about it.
It might be a (foolish) way to explore her sexuality and independence.
It might be a sign of emotional problems.
It might be a joke or dare.
Let her tell you what it means.
Craigslist is an awesome onine community, but there are a lot of
weirdos out
there, and they all have access to the internet, and just like myspace
or
facebook or match.com....you can pretend to be anyone.
Good luck.
I want to first applaud you for writing to UCB Parents of
Teens and reaching out for some support. It really shows
how much you care about your daughter and your deep wish
to handle this in the best way.
Unfortunately, this situation is something I'm seeing more
and more of in my private practice: young girls who have
decided that its ''not a big deal'' to trade sexual
activity/performance for money, clothes or some kind of
remuneration. This is connected to what many are beginning
to understand as the rise ''raunch culture,'' where
performative sexuality (sex like the porn stars seem to
have) has become the ideal against which
sexual ''openness,'' and ''sexiness'' itself is being
measured.
It is also, more unfortunately, connected to the intense
status anxiety that high school students feel. It's not
unusual--especially when teens have such frequent and
intense exposure to the material ''goodies'' of celebrity
culture--for teen girls to think that trading sexual
services for material goods is just another way to get
them the status symbols they desire.
There are some very complicated issues involved here. The
persons or people your daughter may come into contact with
may be committing a crime by being involved with her. It
is against the law in California (where the age of consent
is 18) to engage in “sexual activity” with a person under
the age of 18. In some cases, the activities or behaviors
your daughter chooses may also constitute child abuse or
exploitation.
There may be underlying mental health issues that are
driving your daughter's choices to engage in this kind of
activity, including depression, anxiety or past negative
sexual experiences (willing or unwilling). Being a ''good''
girl and good student doesn't mean that she isn't facing
some difficult problems. It would be hard for me to
imagine that a 17-year-old would take the chances of
posting a listing for erotic services on Craigslist and
having that represent a healthy, fully consensual choice.
If you confront your daughter, she is likely to initially
either feel very embarassed/ashamed or defensive about
having her privacy violated. Please remember that you'll
likely need to have many ongoing conversations with her
about this situation. If you can talk to friends and
family about this, please do so, especially if it helps
you listen to her and stay calm, amidst a pretty upsetting
situation. I would also suggest you be willing and ready
to support her entry into counseling to talk about her
choices and risky sexual behavior. My sense is that this
is not normal sexual exploration. It's a complex response
to a number of factors, including important social issues
around status anxiety, that might benefit from the
intervention of a therapist.
To understand more fully some of these issues, please
consider reading Ariel Levy's ''Female Chauvinist Pigs:
Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture''. You'll also find
more resources on my website at
www.practicalhelpforparents.com.
Michael Y. Simon, MFT
I agree with the comments expressed by the respondents.
You need to sit down and talk with her about the basis for
this. And there's something else -in addition to the
unseemly physical and health risks your daughter is
undertaking, she can also be subject to arrest and
prosecution. The police are very aware of the erotic
services postings on Craigslist and have used them to set
up sting operations. On top of everything else your
daughter is risking, she could find herself locked up in
Juvenile Hall with some really tough cases, and you will
all get first-hand experience with the criminal justice
system. I don't know if you've done this in the past, but
family therapy might be helpful.
anonymous
Sept 2006
My 14 year old son has just recently been visiting what look to be soft porn
sites when he thinks I am not paying attention. We have had all the safety on
the internet talks, and I have said ''no porn'' as a rule. Now I am not sure what
to do or how to enforce it. I am a single working mom, so he is home on his
own a fair amount, and he stays up later than me. I know it is natural for
boys this age to be curious (I remember the stories of our generation's boys
finding Playboys in their fathers' garages), and I also know that as soon as he
realizes I am checking his history he will figure out a way to hide it from me.
I don't want to take his computer away, as it brings him so much pleasure &
company (he is an only child), & he uses it for research. Also, 99% of the sites
he visits (at least up to now) are harmless. Any suggestions from parents who
have been there? Help!
Anonymous
Is it possible for you to accept that your son will look at
porn on the internet at this age, and talk to him about
porn, about images, good things about porn, bad things about
porn, etc., etc.? My (gay) 17-year-old foster son went
through a porn phase with a prior foster parent at around
the same age (he was 14 then, too), and it turned into a
major battle that ultimately triggered separation (there
were other issues, too, of course). With me, because he is
older (and past the porn phase), and because I didn't really
have a no porn rule (I told him that I didn't want him to
download anything on my computer, and to be careful not to
download anything on his own computer that would infect it
or cause problems), there's been no issue with porn. YMMV
Claudia
Feb 2006
My boys are 15 and 13. I have installed a filtering
software called ''Cyber Sitter'' to block the porn and other
inappropriate information. The software is doing it's job,
but my kids can still download nude and porn pictures and
saved them in a file. I guess they got them from their
friends through email? My 13 years-old boy can still go to
websites like Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of
Hollywood to look at those sexy lingerie and get excited.
So please tell me what else I can do. Thanks.
Still frustrated Mom
Perhaps you can talk to your sons. I find that so many parents are terrified of
their children seeing naked bodies. My thought is that there are worse
things, such as the violence that is often shown on television or the
disrespectful way that I often see young kids acting today.
I recently came across websites on my 12 yo's computer that I was not
thrilled with finding, I admit. However, I did not put a filter on it. Instead I sat
down with him and explained that those sites are disrespectful to women,
that many of the women shown are in very bad places in their lives and he
needs to understand the background of what he's seeing. He was mostly
embarrasseed by the whole thing, and will he look at them again? probably. I
just feel that trying so hard to keep kids away from things draw them to it
even more. Instead, communicating with them and educating them might be
a better approach.
If you look to European beliefs you will see that they have far fewer problems
then we do yet have a much more liberal way of handling things.
-just my 2 cents
Nov 2004
hi,
my son is (understandably) very interested in all things
related to sex. we discovered a few months ago that he was
looking up porn on our computer that we had neglected to
safeguard (his was blocked) and ordered hundreds of
dollars of porn on cable (now blocked). so my concerns
are that he has seen a one sided view of sex. i've
already expressed my concern to him - in terms of the
messages and images that porn can contain that are
negative to him and to women. that that is not what he
should consider to be a realistic idea of what sex is.
however, his interest is persisting - he still tries to
sneak on my computer. i have thought about getting him
some erotica books so he can feed his curiosity without
so many of the blatant images of online porn. i'm
thinking of getting some female written erotica to give
him more of a sense of what women consider interesting and
tend to have a healthier and more intimate view of sex.
what are the drawbacks of this idea? books to recommend?
i did already give him a book that discusses some of the
biology etc that is going on in his body/head so that's
covered.
your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
thank you
I had a teenaged boy (still do. He's 18) who has always had
a hefty interest in sex, which by the way, I think is
totally normal and healthy. I do agree that pornography is
a one-sided view, but it's very hard to divert their
attention to alternatives. Pornography is a turn on, and
it's almost always made for the male eye, which is why the
boys find it so compelling. I would not censure his porn
viewing completely, becuase he will find ways to get it (my
son always had a friend that had some tapes, and then of
course, he found a box of porn in our garage which I didn't
realize were still there). However your idea about getting
him some erotica is quite sound. Although I do not think
he'll find women's erotica terribly stimulating (it's that
male view point again), it certainly is a good way for him
to envision what women enjoy (be careful here, because
there's a LOT of S/M and B/D in female erotica, as you
probably know, and you don't want to compound the standard
porno dogma that women like to be man handled and raped).
The best suggest I have is to go to Good Vibes -- they have
a good selection of material for adolescents about their
growing sexuality, and have some tamer erotica and porn as
well that your son may find stimulating but that doesn't
encourage the misogynstic viewpoint that most mainstream
porno perpetuates. Also remember that men tend to be far
more visually oriented than women, sexually, and reading
isn't going to be what your son wants. He may do it out of
curiousity, but it is probably not going to satisfy his
desire to ogle pornography, because most likely porno is
what gets him off.
Most of all, encourage open discussion. The better informed
he is, the better he will be able to cope with his sexuality
without feeling guilty about it, and the more open and
sensitive he will be with his future partner(s).
Heather
March 2003
I am a single parent. My 16 year old son is a good student
with little social life. I am concerned that he might be
becoming addicted to internet porn. I idly checked the
history of recent hits on his browser and was suprised to
see the quantity of teen porn sites he had visited. He
appears to spend hours a night visiting these sites. I
have not told him what I have discovered. Should I just let
this pass as long as he manages to fulfill his obligations
or should I be concerned about long term damage? For
example, is there some risk that he will have an
increasingly difficult time dating girls? He
seems shy and avoids encounters with them. He is becoming
irritable and distant from me. (I expect that is normal for
this age!) My feeling is that his sexual thoughts are his
business but I do not want to make a mistake as a parent.
In response to the single mother who wondered whether her
16 years old son viewing pornography was simply a matter of
being entitled ''to his own sexual thoughts'' or whether such
viewing (frequent in his case) is cause for concern, it's
fair to say that it should be seen as a matter to be
addressed without becoming hysterical. A fair amount of
research indicates that the sexual images teen age boys
view (and inevitably masturbate to) become ''imprinted'' i.e.
become habituated to by the reinforcement of the pleasure
of ejaculation. For such a youngster to view images of
women being demeaned or raped or humiliated or engaging in
physically painful sexual acts could not be a good thing,
and may lead to real damage in terms of developing healthy
attitudes toward sex and toward women. Furthermore, it has
been impossible to prevent the purveyers of child
pornorgraphy from using the Internet, but you need to be
aware that intentionally bringing up child pornography may
subject your son to criminal prosecution, to say nothing of
the fact that viewing such material is tantamount to
endorsing the despicable abuse of children by the
manufacturers of this repugnant material. So yes, you
would do well to speak to your son in depth about this and
consider obtaining a disc that serves as a Parental
Controls filter, eliminating as much controversial material
as possible.
Jules
Are there any parents of teenage sons who DON'T have experience with
porn? I thought it was pretty normal -- I have two sons. I found that
porn sites were a fairly small percentage of what they were looking at
- mostly they visited music, sports and games. The only caveat I
would add is to say I know from my own email inbox that there is some
pretty gross stuff out there now on the internet. Makes Playboy look
wholesome in comparison. Not only do you NOT have to look very hard
to find it, it can arrive in your mailbox or pop up on a web browser
without you even doing anything. One mistakenly-typed web address can
result in a lot of cascading pop-ups of stuff you really don't want to
see and probably didn't even know humans engaged in. Chances are your
teen is going to also think this stuff is gross and is really just
looking for more of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue type stuff.
I think it is a good idea to tell him what your feelings are about
porn. One way of bringing it up with your son is to say that people
were talking about internet porn today in the Teens newsletter and you
were just wondering if he's had a problem with gross stuff popping up
on his screen or coming in to his email. Then you could talk about
what YOU do when that happens. With my boys it seems like they
appreciated me acknowledging that a lot of parents report their teens
look at porn. I didn't tell them they couldn't look at it. I told
them that I would respect their privacy because "it seems like a lot
of teens do that". But they have to keep it out of my sight and they
had to listen to my lecture about why I object to the T&A stuff they
were looking at.
a mom
Feb 2003
Hi,
I just discovered that my almost 12 year-old son has been
surfing hardcore pron sites on the net. It is very out of
character and when I asked him about it he said that it was
addictive and foreign at the same time. The UCB Parent home
page doesn't have much info-- although I'm sure ours is not the
first kid to have been tempted. The accessibility of real
extreme stuff (that is overwhelming to me as an adult!) is so
easy that we're not sure how to go about creating a ''safe'' zone
in which there is a legitimate exploration of sexuality. I would
love to hear from others as to how they coped.
Thanks!
A Stunned Mom
I have a 7th grader and while I know that sometimes the porn
sites pop up by accident (they're incredibly devious) I also
believe that sometimes he surfs or gets a referral to
www.!#%!.com from his friends (we once found a magazine too).
The magazine was confiscated without fanfare, when we see porn
sites we say ''you really shouldn't look at this stuff'' and tell
him again why but don't punish him, and we have ongoing
discussions about sex (to my surprise he really didn't know
EXACTLY how intercourse was done), respecting yourself enough to
only engage in caring relationships built on mutual respect
(including engaging in sex with oneself as being in this category
when done in private!!), and how pornography disrespects women
and that in fact the women potrayed are living examples of self
mutilation (fake hair, surgical altered noses, lips, breasts,
buttocks, thighs, and some even remove molars and ribs!!). That
actually grossed him out. But basically, we don't freak about the
issue and I think our rather matter of fact approach has
minimized the attraction but I don't expect that he'll NEVER
check out a porn site (hey, my husband checks out the
Victoria Secrets catalogue and the swimsuit issue of Sports
Illustrated from time to time, despite theoretically agreeing
with me on how its so adolescent!!).
Karen H.
1999
I recently found out by accident that my 13 year old son has been looking at nude
photos of women on the web when I am not home. While this seems the current
version of a boy putting the Playboy under his mattress, I would be interested to
hear points of view of how to handle this. While my inclination is to do and say
nothing, I have some of my own objections to this type of objectification of
women and sex. I also don't like the spam that results from him having searched
these sites, which accelerates the temtation and opportunity in a way a newsstand
never did. Any comments or advice welcome.
I am also concerned, and would be grateful for discussion of this issue.
My 15 year old son is downloading not only nude photos but also short video
clips of live sex. At the moment, he's not aware that I'm aware - he has
his own computer in his own room, and so I'm uncertain how to proceed since
my knowledge is an invasion of his privacy. I also find pornography
distasteful, but I'm not naive about this phase of adolescence. The
videoclips are the most disturbing to me... I figure I'd start by finding
an article in a magazine or newspaper about pornography, and just 'idly'
start a conversation about how I feel about the girls who choose to do
this, how sad that they are allowing themselves to be viewed in this
way--try to prod him to reflect on how these materials are created. Other
ideas?
It's very very easy for kids to access 'adult-only' websites.
Anonymous
I stumbled across some bookmarked XXX web sites on the family computer
a few years ago - I have teenage sons. I was concerned because I
consider myself a feminist, have tried to raise my sons to be so, and
have always thought most porn to be degrading to women. I talked to a
few friends about it and heard especially from the dads that this is
really typical teen male behavior and maybe not healthy to forbid
it. So here is what I did, and it has worked really well. I told my
kids that I heard from other parents that teenage boys look at porn a
lot. I said I think porn might make people think that all women are
big-breasted fluffy-heads who want to have sex all the time, and women
are not like that. I said I am sure they understand that porn is total
fantasy and has nothing to do with reality. Then I said it is fine
with me if they look at it in private on the computer as long as they
understand this. I said that I do not ever want to come across any
magazines lying around the house or see any X-rated web pages pop up
when I sit down to use the computer. Then I showed them how to make
their own bookmarks on Netscape and I told them that I would respect
their privacy and not snoop around in their bookmarks as long as they
kept their part of the agreement. The younger son then 13 was very
embarassed by the whole discussion and said nothing. The older son
said "Great! Thanks Mom. Does that mean you will get me a
subscription to Playboy?" (ha! of course not!)
This has been our policy for the past three years, and there have been
no incidents, no problems whatever. I think they do sometimes
look at porn but it seems to be a very thin slice of their total
computer time. They mainly want to play computer games and look at
sports and music. I think my being matter-of-fact about it has made
it much less alluring than it would have been if I'd become preachy
and emotional about it.
A good way to start a conversation:
"In the Parents of Teens newsletter today, some of the parents were
talking about their kids looking at porn on the web ..."
Anonymous
I would like to respond to the parent whose son is looking at Internet
porn. I'm ashamed to say that my 18 year old son, who lives at home, was
doing the same thing. I'm not going to address the issue of it being okay or
not (I find Playboy offensive, and Internet porn is light-years worse than
Playboy). But I am going to post A WARNING: there are porn sites on the
Internet (where anyone with full access to the Net can go) which can cut off
your normal Net server and redial to another country, at which point you
begin to accrue enormous phone charges that appear as international phone
calls on your phone bill. The charges can be more than $6 per minute. The
warning box (that pops up at all porn sites, I'm told) looks innocent enough
- it tells the viewer that the material they are about to see is adult
material and you must be 18 years or older to see it. At the bottom is a box
that says, "I agree." But unless one scrolls down the warning box, you don't
see that the site is for pay. Somehow, the company is able to bypass the
need for a credit card and can dial directly from your line. You won't get
any warning of this until your phone bill arrives. My son accrued over $185
in charges without realizing it.
AT&T will not forgive these charges. I have already filed a complaint
about this to the FCC and the FTC. If anyone else has had this problem they
also should file a complaint. What AT&T can do is block your phone from
dialing international phone numbers unless you give the operator a password.
What you can do is limit your son's access to porn by setting parental
controls on the Net. AOL and Earthlink allow you to customize, to a degree,
the kind of sites your son can access. I believe there are a number of
programs you can buy that do the same thing.
-Anonymous
I just want to encourage you to use this as an opportunity to discuss your
values re sexuality with your son and find out how he feels about what he has
seen. It is not easy, I know, to actually sit down and have that
conversation. As knowledgeable and sophisticated as we are about these
things, it is tough when it is our own child. My 15 year old son has not
been too interested in porn but I know he talks about these things with his
friends. I made it a point to sit down with him and share my perspectives on
relationships and what it means to be in a trusting, loving relationship. In
other words, what I think would need to be present in his relationship with
someone before he is ready for sex. Some examples, could he share his
deepest feelings with his partner and have them respected and vice versa, did
each of them follow through on their commitments to each other, could they
discuss birth control and stds in a open and caring way? I told my son that
we needed to discuss these issues now and open up a dialogue because when the
time came that he was seriously considering sex with someone, he probably
would want his privacy about it. We also talked about the time and energy it
takes to have an intimate relationship and the balance of this with other
aspects of his life. There is also the issue of peer pressure and how to
handle this. I tried to convey the message to my son that I think sex is a
good thing and that it is wonderful to enjoy ourselves in this way. Finally,
there is such a big difference between porn and real relationships and I
think this needs to be addressed. The issue of objectifying women and men is
a big one. There is also the issue of the amount of time he is looking at
this material and what your limits are about this. This is all probably too
much to cover in one sitting with a 13 year old, but just wanted to share my
perspective on it. Additionally, does your son have other materials on hand
that provide factual information as well as teen perspectives? There are
some good books at Codys on this material. Its a big topic, but I really
admire you for facing the issue and support your efforts on your son's
behalf. By the way, I did take the parenting of teens class with Bonnie
Baldwin which she offers periodicly and one of the classes goes into this in
more detail. Good luck.
C.
This is in response to the person who posted that their son was
viewing pornography on-line. I strongly believe that this is not just
something that teen boys do -- i.e., "boys will be boys". I believe
it can be extremely harmful. What is a teen boy going to do with all
this sexual stimulation? How can a parent know if their son (or
daughter) is going to become addicted to porn or take actions to
duplicate what they've seen on-line in real life?
My experience with an organization whose exclusive focus was
counseling teen sexual abusers (and victims) was that many of their
clients had merely listened to telephone sexual sites (this was some
years ago before everyone had pc's at home). This level of sexual
stimulation prompted sexual experimentation with younger siblings,
cousins, neighbors, etc. My child (now a teen) was one of these
victims. Please consider the risks and take measures to stop the
horror of sexual abuse from cycling through our culture.
Allowing teens to view porn is dangerous not only for the viewer but
for potential victims of sexual abuse resulting from the actions of
sexually stimulated porn viewers. I URGE all parents to take this
issue and research it thoroughly. Become an expert on sexual abuse by
reading case studies of abusers and the abused. It can be surprising
to learn who these people are and what their backgrounds are.
Anonymous
At our house we've found that even if our son does not
go looking for porn online, there is really no way to keep
him from ever seeing it. So far he has been "grossed out"
by media, including movies, that "go too far." He is 13
and I expect at some point his curiosity about pornography
will make itself known. Right now he uses the computer
only for research or online games. I know which sites
he visits because I also use his machine to check pages
I've designed on mine.
Porn has become more of a problem for me than for him
because I do most of my work online. While I am not
in favour of censorship, I think porn site owners should be
MUCH more responsible about honest advertising. I cannot
count the number of times I've clicked a link thinking I would
find subject-specific material only to end up having a tasteless
gynecological photo splashed on my screen. I know that all
major search engines have changed the way they index pages
to prevent owners from forcing their sites to the top of a hit list
but they cannot control false indexing.
Another problem is the domain names. If I were to type in
"www.(porn related word).com I would expect to find exactly
that. But if I type "www.(something not even remotely X rated).com
I don't appreciate being taken to the "Den of Desire"
Even more frustrating is the new code that does not allow
you to immediately back out of the site. Many sites have
embedded code that takes you to another porn site if you
use the back button or try to close the window. We have
yet to find a filter to prevent these pages from taking over.
If anyone has had this problem and found a solution, please
let me know!
Renay
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