14-year-old's grades have progressively gotten worse

My 14 year old son is a very bright 8th grader with ADD, and possibly some other issues (OCD? Depression? Video game addiction?) His grades started out as B's in 6th grade, and have progressively gotten worse, to C's, D's and F's. He has also had more behavior problems this year, and after being sent to the office one too many times, won't be able to participate in any of the graduation parties or end of the year activities at school.

No amount of threats or rewards have helped with the grades or the behavior. Mostly it seems like he really, truly, doesn't care. We go back and forth between leaning over his shoulder and inspecting every last homework assignment (which causes lots of fights and stress around the house, and only works a little bit on the grades) and letting him manage his homework himself (which he doesn't do). The middle ground doesn't work because he'll tell us he's done his homework when he really hasn't.

He's a nice kid--people like him--he has a sense of humor, and when he's not stressed, he's fun to be around. We're not having big behavior problems at home--just the normal teenager stuff. When school's out, we get along great.

I have many questions I hope some of you might be able to help with.

1. Has anyone ever heard of taking a year off between 8th grade and high school to do something else that would allow him to mature more, be more prepared for high school? I can't imagine what this would be, but some sort of alternative educational situation? I can't home school and can't afford private school.
2. Is there a good mental health practitioner out there who could diagnose and treat both his ADD (he's been diagnosed for this already) as well as other possible problems like depression? I don't think drugs and alcohol are involved at this point, though it wouldn't surprise me if at some point they are, so I'd like someone familiar with addiction too (I seriously do think he has a video game addiction). I've gotten referrals from my health ins. co., but I've never found anyone on their lists who's actually available, and if they are, no one I know has ever heard of them.
3. Are there any good parenting support groups out there that don't cost anything?
4. Have you tried anything that worked to motivate your teen?

Thanks albany parent

More than anything else, your son may need to have you and other people understand what school is like for him. Then he’ll need a specific plan for school success. You might want to read Mel Levine’s One Mind at a Time, and also the biographies of Jonathan Mooney and David Cole, two young people with ADHD and dyslexia, in their successful book, Learning Outside the Lines. Then go on to Russell Barkley’s Taking Charge of ADHD, which is a guide for parents. Caroline

Then we read ''bright minds, poor grades'' and it helped us a great deal. It takes a no-stress approach that puts the responsibility in the kid's court. I really liked the approach and it worked. It takes a lot of HARD work and COMMITMENT but I can tell you - it works. My son is now 16 and doing all his work on his own and getting A's and B's with a C here or there.

The other thing we did was use our ''D is for disappear'' program. If he received a D in a class, or was missing an assignment - things would disappear - 2 times it was severe (from a progress report grade, or if we got a phone call) where he only had 2 outfits, one pair of shoes and everything else disappeared for one week or two. This will motivate a teen! sure it's harsh - but our point was - why should you get things when you aren't doing your ''work.'' How will your child survive as an adult if they get everything they need/want without working for it? He got the message that we were serious and his ''job'' was to get good grades, turn in assignments on time etc. All of this was done with very minimal lecturing and anger from the parents - just ''we said this would be the consequence and your actions triggered it'' We made a list of things that would disappear if we found out about missing assignments, bad grades etc. The teachers sent us a weekly or bimonthly report on whether there were issues in their class - including behavior - like talking too much etc. Check if your school will do this, most do. So at times, the cell phone was gone (devastating to our son) or other more minor disappearances...all discussed ahead of time - posted on his wall so he had no excuse when something came about.

The maturation process for some boys is very slow and very frustrating. Once you get over that - and stick to your plan, you will see progress. Also, as often as possible find ways to encourage and acknowledge where they have made progress (something the book also discusses). Sometimes i'd be annoyed or frustrated with the amount of work it all took on my part - but it was definitely worth it and he is growing up in front of our eyes! it happens - don't give up on them and roll up your sleeves.

Also try ''anger'' by thich naht hanh - good for the parents...on how to cultivate compassion for your son and others in your life. find motivation for your kids!

Yes, there is an addiction to video games -- addiction is when your brain changes in response to playing them -- Berman is great at explaining that.

My son responds to humor and to people who ''get'' his humor - - with Berman that's check and double check!

Unfortunately motivation comes with maturation. But along the way get support! I have seen support groups posted on the wall of the doctor's office.

My son is 16 1/2 -- I'm just a small stretch up the road. Honestly, it doesn't get easier for awhile. You sound very level headed and realistic. I'm sending you cyber support! a mom on the same road

Bright 16-year-old has begun to dislike school

My very bright 16 year old grandson has begun to dislike school. He is getting passing grades when he was usually an AB student. This began a year ago. His attitude is that school grades do not matter to him. He was very active in sports but this year he quit basketball at school, to concentrate on volleyball. He's been playing basketball on leagues since he was 6 years old. His parents are perplexed and very upset. There have been many arguments with him and he has left home. He thankfully calls me and I go pick him up. I don't know what to do. This is his junior year in high school. He's a good kid, well liked by his peers. He is the oldest in the family and has a younger sister who is also a basketball player and an A student. Any advice would be welcomed
Concerned Grandma

We provide individual WASC accredited high school courses, and use a one-to-one approach (one teacher for one student) for students who need courses for various reasons. Our courses are UC approved. We use a mastery learning approach so your grandson would be sure to experience success in his classes at our school. If he does not do well on a test, we re-teach and re-test to be sure that he succeeds. Our hourly fees are the same as most tutoring programs in the area and the average semester course is completed in approximately 30 hours. Please call School For Independent Learners, East Bay Branch at 510-835-5505 if you would like more information. Karen

He could be feeling pressure from his parents to be a certain way (good student, good basketball player, etc.) and in response to the pressure and expectation he is moving in a different direction. Maybe he is afraid to fail or let them down so he doesn't want to try (one of my current clients in this situation). I am curious what it is about your relationship that is different from his parents that makes him feel comfortable calling you? That may be a place to look for some insights into what is going on.

Or he could be feeling pressure from his peers to be a certain way that is different from the way he has been. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to ''be cool'' that can cause teens to act out of alignment with who they really are and what they value. Being cool can sometimes become more important than anthing else. Something is definitely out of balance and I am sure that he is having a hard time as well as his parents.
Adrian

How to help underachieving 12-year-old boy

I am trying to find resources or advice to help my 12 y.o. son with his current academic track, which is not good. he is currently in the 7th grade at a private school. he is failing one subject, and below grade level in another. while he says that he wants to get good grades and do well in school, he appears to have no interest in his school work. he often rushes through his assignments and then gets very moody and emotional when i ask him about it, or encourage him to spend more time or try to get ahead.

we have tested him for learning disabilities and did not find any. he does have a big problem with organization and seems to get easily overwhelmed. another concern i have is that he does not really have any friendships that extend beyond school, though he does seem to get along fine with his fellow students.

he is a good kid and we have not had behavioral problems with him. we are fortunate enough to have the resources to help him, but i just don't know where to start. i'm really torn up about this and don't want him to feel bad, or get held back, but on the other hand he's got to get with it and try a little harder. it's like a brain tease everyday trying to figure out what the right move is. i am now highly concerned as i know that berkeley high school will definately not be a good choice for him, however, with his current grades i don't know that we will have any other options.

i'd appreciate any feedback or advice that others can offer. -berkeley mom

Having said that - one thing we have done which has helped tremendously is to give my son a supplement - Jarrow's ''Neuro-Optimizer''. YOu can get it at Elephant or Whole Foods. My husband is taking it too - and says he feels a difference - makes it easier to concentrate and focus. We're giving my 17 year old, 150 pounds, with 1 and worked up to 2 a day, rather than the 4, which is the recommended dose. I have also accepted that my son does not multi-task. That he can only remember one thing at a time. That I need to remind him, every single time, to do his chores, which he does when I remind him. And we have to hand him his supplement every day, because he doesn't remember to do it on his own. So, I no longer yell ''Why can't you do this, you're 17'' I just go with the flow. I post notes, I remind. And with the neuro-optimzer, you should see a difference in 2 weeks. (And if you like this product - order it from Beachwood - 1-800-803-5333 - Jarrow is 30% off msrp.) Mother of a boy

1) raising cain - helps get insight into boys - what is more typical in their development
2) bright minds, poor grades - the best part of the book is putting the responsibility on your kid.

Once we learned to take our own pride out of the situation - the ugly discussions and long lectures stopped. We put it up to him and decided it was his life he was playing with. That doesn't mean we let him decide everything.

The next most valuable thing we've done is create the ''D is for Disappear program) - we list the privileges he loses if he does not meet the expectations we clearly outline (no missing assignments, no D's on progress or report cards, no reports from teachers saying he is talking in class etc.). Ask your school counselor if they can circulate a report to his teachers letting you know when he is missing assignments, current grades etc. every school our son has been in does this (every 2 weeks or so).

Our son DOES have learning disabilities, but not so much that he can't acheive at least a C in all of his classes. It DOES mean he had learned a lot of bad tricks to ''get by'' without getting noticed by the teacher and parents! His expectations were too low and produced poor results. The organizational thing is HUGE so spend time with him everyday and make sure he 1) writes down all his assignments neatly - if no homework he should write - No homework for each subject and 2) he puts all his homework away in the appropriate part of his binder. Underacheiving kids know what to say to you and the teachers and give you a runaround of ''i did it but i lost/forgot it'' or something to blame the teacher (which we the parents want to believe)etc...

The list included things he valued like: parties/events, cell phone, earrings, nice clothes/shoes, CD's to increasing value like playing basketball, taking off his door (extreme and never had to do it yet).

By having it clearly outlined, he had no excuse to say he didn't know what was going to happen and we FOLLOWED THRU when he did come up short.

For two weeks he lost all of his nice clothes and shoes and was left w/ a few pairs of clothes/shoes to rotate thru for two weeks. For a kid focused on social life - it sent the message we were serious and he got down to business. He's 15 now and just brought home his first report card w/out a D.

There will always be two steps forward, one step back - but now he knows what the consequences will be and seems to (finally) be getting the message. It's never over with and we expect an adjustment each year as his classes change and more hormones come around - but the system has worked for us and we highly recommend it. Disappearing works!

12-year-old getting terrible grades - any suggestions?

any ideas on getting a 12 year old kid really excited about school?!! or, how to get him to realize how important turning homework actually is? i'm having a hard time with my 7th grade son. he is getting terrible grades at a private middle school that has a solid reputation for turning out good students. while his teachers have said that he is capable and able to do the work, and in fact is where he should be with his skills, he just simply forgets to turn the work in.

we have paid $700 for a organization and studies skill tutor and i have implemented a system of checking with him every night to make sure that he has done the work. somehow, however, he managed to either lose or forget to turn in the work he has done. i have told him that i'm worried about him getting to the next grade level and how getting into a good high school is important. it just seems that he's not all that concerned and is not making the connection.

any suggestions? i really would like for him to have alternative options to berkeley high as i think he would just get swallowed up due to the number of students, but at this point, am worried we won't have any other options given the current situation. -worried mom

I will add that as a professor, I've seen lots of students who went to college cause it was the thing to do in their social class and they're not engaged/learning. When teaching in community college, I had some students who had messed up in high school who were now ready to learn/work and they were amazing and went on to 4 yr colleges easily. So you don't have to worry that he is harming his future irrevocably.
Deborah

Looking for alternatives for 15-year-old boy

Hello, I need a recommendation for an alternative way of learning preferably a school that a 15 year old boy, who has been tested in the Contra Costa school system, and has been slated for remedial classes. He has a hard time concentrating, writing skills are poor, and very forgetful plus low self esteem. If someone can please recommend something in the Bay Area that would be helpful. Thank you in advance.