Teens and Phones
Advice, discussions, and reviews from the
Parents of Teens weekly email newsletter.
Berkeley Parents Network >
Advice >
Teenagers >
Teens and Phones
Feb 2009
For the last year, my 14 year old daughter has been sending
about an average of 5,000 text messages a month. One month
it was as high as 9,000 (yes, nine thousand!).
Currently her texting is limited to hours we define,
generally 3-9pm. Of course that doesn't eliminate her
friends from texting her during other times. She pays for
unlimited texting on the phone herself ($20/month). She only
uses about 400 minutes per month to talk on the phone. The
majority of her communication is done via texting. And, if
you haven't already guessed it, the majority of her texting
lately is with a boy. IT is nearing what I would call
obsessive levels. She disagrees of course.
I'm worried about it for several reasons but none of them
make sense to my daughter. I worry about the obsessive
nature. I worry that it is interfering with other parts of
her life. Although she gets straight A's in school. The
whole thing is just now what I'm used to...it feels like new
territory and I'm unsure how to handle it.
Do other parent's of teens have restrictions and concerns
around text messaging? I'd love to hear them.
Worried?
Two words - Go Phone! Don't give teens a cellphone with a billed plan.
Go Phone (AT&T) and Virgin Mobile are 20 cents per text and have
varying call rates and plans. Your teen just buys a card at the store
and stocks up that amount, and he/she can watch that amount go down
with each text message and call. When it's run out of money, no more
texts until they refill the kitty. Make sure your teen pays for the
calls out of his/her own account (they can ask relatives for phone
cards instead of cash - many grandmas like this, because then they
have to call her).
We started with Virgin Mobile Marbls (I have two light used ones with
chargers if anyone would like to buy them - http://lynne.telemuse.net
to contact). The kids quickly outgrew these so we picked up a couple
of used Treo 650s (they have keyboards) and switched them to AT&T
(just get a SIM at the AT&T or Parrot store - unless it's locked to
another plan you should not have to pay anything for the SIM). They
tend to buy the 200 messages (exp 30 days) plans for $5 (that's much
cheaper than most plans).
Even though my son's now at UCLA, he still uses a Go Phone, charged to
his credit card. When it starts going too fast, he really cuts back.
My daughter also handles her own phone. Prepaid cell phone plans are
offering more options all the time according to the New York Times
(http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/21/technology/21prepaid.html). It
saves a lot of ''got the bill and it's huge'' arguments, teaches fiscal
and social responsibility (5000 text messages are a cause for concern
- why isn't she/he *talking* to friends or using facebook?). And you
can buy trendy phones and just pop in a SIM.
Lynne
You're right that it's new territory; my son texts as if he is
carrying on a conversation with the person, just batting texts back
and forth. Problem is, the person isn't present, and often others
are, or homework is waiting, or there are dishes to be cleared away,
or guitar to be practiced... and nothing is accomplished but texting,
which also shuts off others around him. If you're on AT&T, see about
the Smart Parent Controls. You can control the hours when texting
takes place (I highly recommend taking away the phone at night,
because even when texting was turned off, phone calls could still come
in). And you can control the number of texts per month -- once your
child runs out, that's it. Finally, you can block numbers. My word
to my son was: if texting with x-person does not diminish
substantially in the next few days, that number will be blocked. I
don't forbid texting entirely, because it is the new phone call and it
is new territory. But old rules like consideration for others and
attention to other things (like life) still apply. I would pay the
nominal amount for parent controls and have a talk with your teen
about it.
mother of another texter
This is an area of obviously much concern! At our house I had noticed
it more when there was a courtship going on, then it waned a bit.
It's fun cause it's private. I get that.
SOMETHING THAT REALLY WORKED FOR ME. I sat my kids down (15, 17, 19
yr olds) and told them, ''Texting is a new fad, and it will pass as we
move into brighter technology, but those that put this tool in our
hands are not THINKING about our hands. Holding a device in your
fingers perpindicularly (sp?) and having your thumbs race across a
keyboard is DANGEROUS to the mechanics of the hand and should be VERY
limited. Tendonitis, carpal tunnel, RSD, is at it's all time high
right now, because of inadequate track balls, work at computers, and
TEXTING. I frequently massage the kids hands and remind them OVER AND
OVER, these tools we call hands are precious, limit their use to
learning and music (and your laundry!) We know not what the future
holds for you and pain if you continue to abuse them with a fad. Just
cause it's available does not mean it's safe!
I really think we throw the Good Manners/ Obey me cause it's
inappropriate/ not during dinner/ your grades, damn it approach out
the window and put their active brains on a better reason to limit....
Their precious bodies. What do you think?
Reen
Jan 2009
Hi, my 9th grade daughter appears to be seriously addicted
to texting, she walks room to room texting, takes it into
the bathroom, does it during our conversations, and we fight
about it during dinner as she hides it on her lap. She can
text without looking so she does it as we converse and I do
not know. Her grades are not that good and yesterday we
fought so much about it. It is complicated in that she has
divorced parents and my ex pays for the phone -free texting
and will not limit it. My daughter is 50 50 in each home.
My idea is it must be drastically limited. I went on line
under text addiction and they said it is a new compulsive
behavior and to reward the positive not just limit it. What
do you recommend?
My son was being bombarded by texts from a certain girl at
the rate of 20 an hour at times; it drove me bananas and
forced me to pay for unlimited texting because we were
being charged for her obsessive texts! He was not all
that happy about the incessant texting either, and I did
speak to her parents, but to no avail. I required that
the phone be turned off at home, period. I know that's
draconian, and I would offer an exception if he really
needed to reach someone with a question or information,
but then the phone had to go off again. At first he
complained, but now he is actually relieved. I think that
drastic measures need to be taken -- if she objects, just
take the phone away (I did that, too, and we all
survived). I am a divorced parent with 50/50 custody and
understand what happens when divorced parents disagree,
but I think it might be easier to get your ex on your side
if you show him a record of the literally thousands of
texts she is sending when she should be doing homework,
talking to her family, helping around the house, etc etc
Her life is being taken over by this obsession, and it is
usually completely trivial communication, which can turn
into harrassment of the receiver. Having been on the
receiving end of this merciless bombardment, I strongly
recommend you take drastic measures. And good luck!
Convince your daughter that she will be getting a life
back!
texted out
I too have this issue. I have tried taking the phone at night espeially and
putting it to charge in another room = she just gets on face book but at least
the text is off
I have paid for smart limits (i phone) and this works to a point
I have linked it with a reward
i have thought about taking it away completely or stop paying for the line
altogether and perhaps this might be the best way = simply present the bill
for them to pay or risk losing the phone or agree to a reasonalbe text time
etc
but of course all this from a mom who sometimes can't stop emailing or
looking at these boards and responding!!!! ha ha that is meant to be a sense
of humor - after all this is now the kids way of talking but at what cost? they
can't hear the sincerity in anyones voice or other emotion and isn't that what
having friends is about?
Maddie Jane
Whew! I hear your pain! I just went through that with my
daughter. She racked up over 8000 messages in a month! I
just shut it off because she wasn't respecting the rules I
set, those being not to do it during school. I'm single and
was paying for it myself so didn't have to negotiate it with
anyone else (one of the pleasures of being a single parent,
I might add...)
Maybe if you talk to your ex about it in that way he might
get it?
She had a few days of being really angry at me and not
talking to me, but then it was fine. I think she actually
appreciated it because it was so time-consuming and feeding
her OCD symptoms! She sometimes says she wants it back, but
I just say ''no,'' now, ''I can't afford it.''
Good luck!
anon
Just take the phone away. If you can't get buy in with your
ex, then take it away at your house. You can let her have
when she leaves the house and she needs to turn it in when
she comes home. Constant texting is rude, distracting, and
-- yes -- addictive.
I cannot tell you the number of problems we had with text
messaging. We finally took it away for over a year.
You do need to assert your right to set limits, even take it
away. We took it away because it was interfering with
everything, including grades.
It does hamper them socially because they do not speak
live--they only email or text--but I really didn't care.
If you chose to let her have it still, set limits such as
confiscating the phone during homework times, meal times and
before bed---they love to take their phones to bed and text
instead of sleeping. You can say the truth: we want to eat
without the interruption and your need to concentrate on
schoolwork without disruptions.
There's nothing wrong with her---it is a very addictive
medium, particularly to teenagers who are notorious for
their lack of impulse control.
But it is up to the parents to set and enforce limits.
She'll probably tell you she's the only one, etc., but don't
worry about that.
Anonymous
You should set the rules for your house and your ex can
set the rules for his house. Set rules for what seems
appropriate--and enforce consistently. For example, cell
phone must sit openly visible on the table or on fireplace
mantel (or other visible location that's out of reach)
when you and she are talking, during dinner, during
homework time, etc. The only way to enforce this rule is
to have the cell phone in an open location where you can
see that she isn't using it. Set consequences if she
breaks the rule and enforce them.
If her grades are suffering, then that has to be part of
it--no texting until homework is done. Also, have a
conversation with your ex about what he thinks will work
to help her improve her grades. See if he can review her
homework, etc. when she's there.
She will soon adjust. If you follow this plan, you will
know that her texting is controlled at least half of the
time and that may be the best that you can do.
Anonymous
If you have AT&T (and maybe other companies) you can pay a
small amount per month to have control over the calls. You
can set your childs phone so that text messaging and phone
calls are off for certain hours of the day, or you can
block calls so that you don't have to accept phone calls
of texts from certain numbers. You also can set it so that
even during these down times, they can always call or text
you so there is no excuse for not calling home!
Found a solution that works for us!
April 2008
Interested in finding out how others control/set limits on
cell phone usage for first yr middle school student.
Daughter was thrilled to receive a few months ago and went
way over on usage; therefore, costing a huge amount for the
last month. We all needed to learn what was truly free and
what actions would cost... We would like to have the cell
used for voice calls/emergencies, picture taking, and
limited texting (this is the problem area along w/
wallpapers and other apparently ''free'' items). Most
importantly, we want ''screen'' time to be limited and the
plan to be economical.
anon
Well, that cell phone is privilege, one that must be used responsibly. One of
my 15 year old daughter's friends just went $400 over the text messaging
limit on her cell phone! Her parents yelled at her and then did nothing. Not
me! My daughter knows that she will have to pay for cell time that is over her
limit for calls and text messages. If my daughter had gone over her text
messaging limit by $400, she would owe me $400, which she would pay off,
by not having an allowance for a painfully long time (and by earning that
money).
I suggest that you sit down with your young pre-teen and set some rules and
consequences, up front. She should know the number of text messages she is
allowed each month and the consequence for going over that limit (as in
paying for it). Will your daughter be allowed to use her phone at school? Most
schools do not allow it. Like the computer, My Space, Facebook, etc, cell
phones can be fun and needs some limits! In my house, my teen's usage
during the week is limited by homework, as she is not allowed to talk on the
phone and do homework. Set a time limit with your daughter and stick to it.
Consequences for not abiding by the limit can mean losing her phone for a
day. Then finally, you might want to talk about consequences for losing that
phone and not answering it when you call (most annoying). Make sure your
pre-teen knows that cell phones are stolen from schools. If she ever loses it
or it is stolen, your daughter must know to tell you right away. Otherwise, you
will be liable for big bucks!
anon
We got our daughter a Tracfone--one of those pay-as-you-go type cell phones
that you load with minutes. She paid for the phone and she pays for most of the
minutes. We pay about $20 every 4-6 weeks toward minutes. Since she has to
pay for it, she is very careful about the minutes and the phone gives you a
running tally of how many minutes you have left. An added bonus is when she
loses the phone, it's no big deal, she can save up her own money and buy
another one--they're as cheap as $15.
Joan
April 2007
I'm thinking of getting my son a cellular phone. Right now
he doesn't talk on the phone very much, but I anticipate
that he will start sending and receiving text messages like
many teens. My (extremely limited) understanding of text
messaging is that there is a per-message cost for them.
Are there cellular phone plans where the text messages
are free, or included in plan minutes? Any advice for
not bankrupting the family when/if our son gets a cellular
phone?
Thanks!
We have a family plan on Verizon. Our daughter gets 250
text messages (includes outgoing AND incoming) for $5 per
month. Our agreement is, if she goes over the 250, she has
to pay the additional charge (I think it's 10 cents per
message). Works out well!
anon
Jan 2007
I searched the archives and now need advice re. cell phones
- what age did your child first get one and what rules did
you set up? We would resist but our 12 year old will be in
increasingly more situations, albeit for a very short time,
where she may not have access to a phone or adult/friend
with a phone. It's time but we're conflicted over how to
handle it. Thanks in advance for the MANY posts I'm sure
this will get.
Tracy
I hope a lot of people answer because I am thinking about
getting one for my son when he starts middle school. I know
there will be times when I want to reach him and vice versa
but haven't investigated the family plans and thought
through the rules yet.
they grow up so fast
We gave our daughter a cell phone in 7th or 8th grade. Our
son got his in 5th. She protested, of course. There are 2
items to consider. What type of plan you have dictates how
the phone is used. How many minutes do you have? Are some
calls free? Is there a family plan? How much do text
messages cost? The second question is whether the child is
responsible enough to have a phone? Our son had his phone
put through the washing machine 3 times!! Finally the
phone would not work and he learned to clear his pockets
before putting his clothes in the dirty clothes pile.
DF
Our 12 year old son wanted one in the worst way. He
claimed to be the ''only'' student in his class without one.
He felt left out. This went on for a few months. Finally,
we relented. But here were our reasons: (1) We waited
until Christmas to make it a present. (2) After the
rebate, the phone only cost us $10, and it was only $10
per month to add him on to the family plan. Plus we have
tons of rollover minutes. (3) Most importantly, he is
starting to hang out with friends away from home by a park
or schoolyard, but not too far. He was borrowing someone
else's phone to check in with us. (4) We set down specific
rules about usage, and he knows if he loses it, he will
have to pay to replace it. So far, 3 weeks into it, it's
working out well.
Anon
I'm a little late on this... My daughter got a phone in 7th grade. She
has gone through about three already (she's now in 10th) because of
''accidents''. I highly recommend getting the insurance for your son's phone, it's about $3 a
month, but worth it if he's ''accident'' prone. Another handy tip: I am with Cingular and they
can block in and outgoing text messaging and outgoing web access!! This has saved us thousands
of dollars!! There is no need
for text messaging except for communicating with friends during classtime!
I'm not sure if every cell phone company does this but you need to ask,
obviously, they will be losing money. Also, if you do need to get a
replacement phone, they sell refurbished phones online that work just
as well as a brand new one, you just have to make sure it works with your plan.
Clearly replacing the phone has been one of my biggest issues. (why
don't they make them with a thick rubber coating so they bounce when
dropped?) The other is her turning it on loud and answering it! She tends to keep it on silent
which is okay for during school, but then doesn't turn it back
on until I'm red in the face! So, I sound like a broken record (CD?) when I
keep reminding her to turn her phone on loud after school so I can get in
touch with her if I need to. The whole cell phone experience has been
frustrating, but also nice to be able to talk when she is out. She has actually used it in an
emergency once and I was thankful that she had it.
Oh, get lots of minutes, they get used up pretty quickly.
Good Luck!!
mom of cell phone-using-teen
Both of my kids got cell phones when they entered middle
school and started going places on their own. Both kids
bike to school, etc, and we wanted them to have a way to
reach us. They didn't ask us for the phones, we insisted
they have them. We added them to our family plan for a
nominal cost. The message to the kids was that the phone
was to communicate their whereabouts, changes in plans,
reach us in an emergency, make plans. It's been 4 years
since the oldest got his first phone and we haven't had
any problems. The phones are used as we've asked and the
text message charges and minutes have been within the
plan. We check the monthly statements to see how much
they are using their phones. Both kids have been
responsible about taking care of their phones. When my
11yr old had a bike accident involving a car, it was a
relief that he was able to reach us immediately. That
said, we aren't really a family of phone chatters, so
their cell phone usage may also reflect the behavior we as
parents model.
not a problem
What are reasonable phone times for a teenager? His choice would
be to have a phone line open to someone at all times. I understand
that he needs to have SOME time for phone contact (or even real
communication), but what is reasonable for both school nights and
weekends. The rest of us ought to be able to get a call into our
house.
This is an eternal problem in all families, it seems. I have tried
limiting calls to certain hours -- say between 8 and 9 PM (wouldn't
*that* be great?) Nothing has been particularly successful in my
household; all curbing of this problem seems to involve monitoring on
the parents' part. I have chosen not to provide my daughter with her
own phone because (aside from the extra expense, which I can do
without) that just gives her unlimited telephoning freedom and I don't
see that as a solution to the problem. She does use the cordless
phone in her room and when that gets out of hand, I disconnect it by
taking the handset to the office for a while. This works quite well
since under those circumstances her privacy is reduced. Placing a
"phone restriction" is sometimes helpful but again implies that I
monitor it. During phone restriction she is not allowed to talk on
the phone at all. If this rule is violated, I take away a privilege,
like TV watching or getting together with her friends.
My daughter is alone three hours after school. After her 1 chore
(one for each day of the week-listed on calendar) and homework is done
she can talk on the phone until bedtime. I am not a phone person nor
do I get calls. This didn't work. Grades went down, etc.. I now
take the phone with me to work. If there is a problem she can go to 3
neighbors. Callers have complained that I must have "daughters"
because the phone is always busy. My daughter's solution is to pay for
call waiting. Not! She needs to spend more time studying. I have
also limited her calls to 30 min. with 1 hour wait between calls. I
let the answer machine pick up the call. We need more family time
together and I am working hard at it. The phone is a barrier.
June 1999
My 12-year-old daughter just started getting together with girl
friends and calling boys. I have major problems with this -- what do
you think? What limits have you placed on your kids?
I feel it is imperative for this mother to realize that socializing with
her peer group is so much more important than almost anything else in
her life. Do not consider this a major problem (a major problem is
teenage pregnancy, getting into drugs and alcohol, stealing and hanging
out on the streets all the time with nothing to do but hang out).
Perhaps the major problem here is the parent's fear, understandably, of
what "getting together with girlfriends and calling boys" can lead to,
but fear is what I live and breathe as a parent of a child growing up
these days, and these are my fears, not my child's. Their only wish is
to grow up and be a part of something. More importantly, it is necessary
for parents with teenagers to set aside their fears and translate those
fears into positive experiences, like offering to take your daughter and
her girlfriends on a shopping trip, or to the movies, or to Great
America, where you are there as the backdrop, and you just live and
breathe and listen to what's going on with your daughter and her
friends. Sharing these experiences with you as chauffeur and chaperone
may well open up communication with your daughter so you'll learn who
her friends are (they are just as nice and wonderful as she is, no
doubt), and just ask casually what boys she's calling and find out who
these friends, boys and girls, are. Make a point, without embarrassing
her, to see for yourself who her friends are and some of your worries
may go away. What follows, of course, are other issues when and if her
social life begins to liven up. Believe me, I'm very sympathetic to the
underlying fear this mother has (my daughter is now 16). --jahlee (6/99)
Exactly what part of this do you have problems with? That they are
talking with boys? That they are on the phone? It seems like a harmless
activity - I think you need to figure out what your fears are - maybe
what this can lead to in the future? - and then figure out just exactly
what you want the limits to be.
My daughter did this for a while and believe me it's pretty innocent.
They can't catch anything nor get hurt over the phone. They generally
don't have places to hang out together anymore (like down at the corner
soda fountain), this is the next best thing. (June 1999)
Regarding the 12 year old calling boys---I remember being 12 and getting
together with my girlfriend. We actually tried to call Davey Jones (of
the Monkeys) by calling New York directory assistance for his number!
Also, my 15 year old son has periodically gotten calls from girls since
he was about 12. Having (yet) no interest he makes it pretty clear,
pretty quickly to the girls calling him. I think the ones that are
interested enjoy the conversations! As long as the calls don't
interfere with other daily activities (school, household contributions)
I think it's a pretty normal, fun way to socialize.
Home |
Reviews |
Advice |
Members |
Post a Message
Join BPN |
Help |
What's New |
Search |
Contact Us
Last updated: Mar 15, 2009
Copyright © 1996-2009 Berkeley Parents Network
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Please see
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.