Step-son having parties when we go out of town

My husband has a 16-year-old son who, when we are out of town, does his best to make use of our empty house. Unless we have a house sitter, and even that is problematic, what do you suggest we do about keeping him out of our empty house. He understands that this is off limits, but as soon as we leave, he is here -- inviting friends in, smoking pot, generally making use of our house despite explicit instructions to the contrary. What now? Frustrated stepparent

Once you have your keys back, you need to start telling your neighbors when you go out of town, and telling the police. THEN you tell your step son that you have done so. If you're afraid of hurting his feelings or him thinking you don't trust him (why would you?) I would tell him exactly what I told my own kids if one stayed behind (at a friend's house) while we were out of town... after I took their keys....

''This isn't about whether we trust you -- but we DON'T trust all of your friends. This way we remove the ability of your friends to exploit you and abuse our home. Feel free to tell them we're unfair, that the police are watching our house or anything else you need to to follow this rule.''

And, I'd probably get an alarm, or change the code on the one I have. The legal and liability issues are huge, in addition to the fact that your teenager is abusing your trust.

Been There. Changed the Locks.

Or only go away when your son is also away. We struggle with this too--I don't mean to sound cold, but there is no other way to stop it, I don't think. It sounds like he doesn't live with you--can you take away his key or would he just find a way in?. They will grow up one day

So, what I suggest is get an alarm system if you don't already have one. When you leave town, change the code to one he doesn't know and turn the system on. If he uses his key to get in and can't turn the system off, the cops will come. He'll have some 'splainin' to do. A basic system is not terribly expensive to install and you should probably have one anyway.

If you don't like the alarm idea, you can have an extra doublekey deadbolt lock added to your front door and back door(s) for which only you have the key. You don't use this lock except when you are out of town. If you only have a couple of doors, this will not be terribly expensive either. If he is the kind of kid who would break a window to get in, I would definitely do the alarm system. Good luck. stepmom whose stepkids never did this

IMPORTANT: THIS IS A MATTER OF POTENTIAL LEGAL LIABILITY. I don't like police involvement any more than any of you here and I was reluctant to take this approach at first. However, we all need to remember that anything that happens in our home AND any damage or injury caused because of actions by a minor of whom you are responsible is YOUR legal liability ... you could be in BIG legal trouble. It's not just a minor concern; you should treat it as the serious issue it is.

This is a very common problem and too often the seriousness is underestimated, dismissed with a shrug. But even some of the most reliable teens can be coerced into taking advantage of this situation. Basically, you have to muster all the forces and show you are serious. nakeemca

PTA Article about Teen Parties

A few months ago, someone posted asking for information about the Berkeley Police Dept's workshop on out-of-control teen parties. I don't think anyone responded to that, but I just came across an article published in Jan 2006 by the Berkeley High School PTSA that gives an excellent account of the magnitude of the problem, and what parents can do: ''Parents Need to Know the Risks of Weekend Teenage Parties''

Unsupervised teen parties

In last week's newsletter there was an item from the Berkeley Police about a March 23 community forum on ''Teen Parties''. I have been meaning to write to the newsletter letting people know about my own experience. Our kids had an unauthorized party at our house in February just one week before the tragic teen party in North Berkeley where a teenager was stabbed to death (see http://www.berkeleydailyplanet.com/article.cfm?archiveDate=02-17-06&storyID=23437). It was very scary because it could have been our house. So I wanted to let other parents know what happened at our house.

We went out of town for the weekend and left our two kids, 20 and 23, in charge. We knew from their Berkeley High days that parents out of town often means party at your house, where everyone is invited, invitations are word of mouth and the door is open to anyone and everyone. But this time we thought they were older, they are good kids and they could be trusted. They promised no parties. What happened is they did have a party. Kids showed up that they didn't know, and things got out of control. There was a fight outside in the front yard. They really didn't know how to deal with it. They told us later that it never occurred to them to call the police. Someone could have been hurt, thank God no one was. Things were stolen - our cell phones and cameras and ipods. They paid us back out of their meager funds, but I learned my lesson: next time I don't leave them in the house by themselves no matter what. Please be extra conservative about leaving your kids at home alone. If you must leave them, ask a neighbor to check in, and talk to your kids about what ''out of control'' means, and what to do when that happens.
Still learning

Community Forum on Teen Parties

The Berkeley Police Department, in conjunction with the District 5 Berkeley City Council Office, is sponsoring a community forum on Thursday, March 23 on the growing concerns around teen parties:
- The social factors that lead to out-of-control teen events
- What teens can do if their party gets out of control
- Teen anxiety about calling the police. What will really happen?
- What are parents’ responsibilities if they are not there?
- What can and should neighbors do if they suspect a large, unsupervised teen party?
- How web sites, such as “My Space,” play a roll in spreading the word.

The BPD will also be available to address concerns about the February homicide on Contra Costa Ave.

The meeting will be Thursday, March 23, 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm at the Northbrae Church Community Center, 941 The Alameda, Berkeley. Available for questions will be representatives from the Berkeley Police Department’s Community Services Bureau and Homicide Division, and the City’s Mental Health Division.

For information, call the BPD Area Coordinator, Officer Nutterfield, at 981-5806, or the District 5 Council Office at 981-7150.
Jill Martinucci, aide to Berkeley Councilmember, District 5

Spontaneous Huge Parties - Parents Away

I'm very concerned about teen parties that appear to take place every weekend at Berkeley, Oakland and Piedmont homes where parents are away. They seem to explode rapidly into something very large and sometimes out of control, are attended by many many kids unknown to the ''hosts'', and are accompanied by lots of alcohol, marijuana and, I suspect, yet more serious things. Is this a growing problem generally, or is it a problem that I'm only now tumbling to given my child's current high level of interest in participation? In addition to monitoring our own children's behavior and talking informally with other parents, is there any coordinated community effort to address this phenomenon? I welcome information, thoughts, advice, etc. etc. Thanks, Bea

Options for Dealing with Parties and Drugs

March 2005

I'm posting below some information from a workshop I give on parties/drugs in high school. I hope this helps.

Options for Dealing with Parties/Drugs and Their Likely or Hoped-For Consequences

Strategy 1: Doing Nothing or “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Parents decide that there is nothing they can do and they can’t control their child, who is on the way to adulthood. The likely consequence though is that your child will feel ignored and abandoned in someway and will feel that the unspoken bond of trust has been betrayed, since children usually expect their parents to watch out for them and their safety, even if they rail against it.

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. When you have to confront someone you care about, the best strategy is to just ignore things and hope for the best. They probably can’t do the right thing, even if they know what it is.
2. It’s pointless trusting or consulting my parents because they won’t get involved or will feel burdened anyway.

Strategy 2: Doing Everything or “No @#$@ Way”

Parents decide that there is no way that they can trust their child to do the right thing. They forbid party- going and constantly check their child for drug and alcohol use. The child must answer to every inquiry and the parents verify every answer.

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. I can’t be trusted to do anything on my own; I’m untrustworthy and can’t mess up in order to learn.
2. I am not capable of taking responsibility in a difficult situation. People think I shouldn’t have choices, just limitations.
3. I’m still a child and need to be micro-managed or I’ll be out of control.
4. I need to act like a kid, to prove my parents right OR I need to be “hyper-adult” to prove I’m not a child (and thus, may in fact get in over my head as I attempt to take on too much adult responsibility).

Strategy 3: “Its All In Good Fun” or “I’m my teen’s best friend!” strategy

Parents might smoke or drink or use drugs in the house or might bond with their child by telling them about their “good old days” in the 60s and 70s when they too got busted by the cops or pulled over for drunk driving or snuck out of the house and fooled their parents or had a party when grandma and grandpa went away. The idea is that this bonding will encourage the child to share information about sex, drug use and parties and will keep it all from becoming a big deal. Plus, if it goes on in the house, they can keep an eye on it all, right?

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. My parents may be more concerned with what I want than what I need.
2. I can be trusted no matter what I do and my parents are really my friends, so if I mess up, its not such a big deal (and, consequently, I can’t really go to them).
3. Something is wrong if someone close to me has more power than I do.
4. The line between freedom and responsibility is blurry and difficult to figure out, because there are never really clear limits or boundaries around potentially dangerous activities.

Strategy 4: The Subtle Intervention: “No Big Talks”

Parents decide that they will not do one “big” intervention, but will try many, ongoing, “little” interventions, and include a number of strategies like: asking what the child thinks about the party/certain aspects of drug use; catching their child being “responsible” and subtly pointing it out or expressing their appreciation for a hard decision, well made; offer advice when it’s asked for but provide conditional offers of help from time to time, or providing “cover stories” to save face e.g., saying, “well, I’m still not totally okay about this party thing, but if you find that things are getting out of control tomorrow, let’s arrange a phone signal and I’ll come pick you up someplace where no one can see me getting you.”

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. My parents still care and are available in a pinch but they have some faith in me.
2. I’m trusted to come up with solutions on my own, because they often ask me what I think, rather than tell me what to do.
3. My intuition and “inner voice” is valued and valuable as a source of decision-making.
4. Things are not out of my control—I have choices and can get over the fear I have that I won’t be able to do the right thing (apropos of the essay you heard earlier).

Tips for Changing the Setting and Set Around Drug Use and Parties

• No parties without communication with parental hosts (if possible)
  • Parent hosts send out notice/announcement via parent listserv or email list (compiled outside of school) notifying of time, date, knowledge of party, what they know about drugs/alcohol and their feelings about it, whether they’ll be there, etc.
• Parents adopt “risk management” and “risk reduction” strategies around drug/alcohol use at parties
  • Read about drug and alcohol use (especially Over the Influence and Uppers, Downers and All-Arounders) and be prepared to help your child help him/herself reduce the risk associated with drug and alcohol use…because the bottom line is that you cannot stop them from taking drugs or going to a party unless they voluntarily agree to it OR they are involuntarily confined and under 24-hour guard. Know the effects of the drug of choice (e.g., that even short-term alcohol use has now been shown to effect short- and long-term memory retrieval ability in adolescents)
  • Set consistent limits and let those limits be set in conjunction with your kids—they get to have input, but not veto power or “final say;” the older and more mature the student, the more the input; the more successful demonstration of responsibility, the more the leeway, e.g., you don’t freak out when an otherwise responsible teen is home 20 minutes late every once and a while
  • Parents having a NQA or “Get out of jail free” card where parents pick up their child and take them home, any time, No Questions Asked (that night, anyway; it is unreasonable to expect that parents won’t pursue the issue when all participants are sober and awake and things have calmed down)
  • Parents being willing to be put on a “NQA” list (no questions asked); they can be called on party night and will pick up any child who needs a ride and would otherwise be driving under the influence or would be in a car with someone under the influence
• Align with Teachers (But Don’t Expect them to Parent)
  As Mike Riera points out, in grade school, when kids have problems, they go to their parents, teachers and then friends, in that order. Teens reverse the order and go first to friends, then teachers, and finally parents. So it makes good sense to align with teachers because the teachers often hear of struggles before you do. It’s not about interrogating the teachers, though; it’s about knowing the adults in your child’s life.
• Adopt a “Silence=Death” policy
  This is a dramatic way of putting it, but the point is, that you send the message that, “in our home, we talk about drug, alcohol use and parties…no exceptions; its on the table for discussion because we love you and will help protect you and help you protect yourself.” This doesn’t mean you interrogate your child or get into every aspect of their business; it does mean that you will ask questions respectfully and demonstrate your care, regardless of whether they want it or it makes them uncomfortable.
• Arm yourself with important information about legal consequences: Have knowledge that arrests and or citations can be made for the following offenses and understand (and have your child understand the consequences of each of this legal interventions):
     - Providing Alcohol to a Minor
     - Sale of Alcohol Without a License (if money is charged for the party)
     - Possession of Alcohol By A Minor
     - Drunken Disorderly Conduct
     - Driving Under the Influence
     - Vandalization of property
     - Irresponsible upkeep and improper garbage disposal to the point where it becomes a health hazard or eyesore (large parties with kegs/clean up)
• Understand that Parties are Opportunities to Help Your Child Develop their Intuition/Conscience and Learn to Act on Their Own Behalf (Make the right decisions, that are truly their decisions)
• Understand that Freedom and Responsibility go together in complicated ways.
  Teens need freedom to learn the right choices and to demonstrate their ability to respond well. And they need the chance to mess up in order to learn to respond well. Therefore, learning how to be responsible demands the chance to misuse or misunderstand the freedom that you grant to your teens. So, a logical but disconcerting consequence of this is that teenagers’ screw-ups are not necessarily reasons to curtail freedom, because this is the necessary condition for learning. “Screw-ups” can be occasions for teaching planning, stress management techniques, “threat” assessment, failure analysis, and a host of other important skills that can only be developed through hindsight and new chances to demonstrate newly incorporated information about what works and what doesn’t. And you might have to give up some more of your short-term freedom to teach them long-term responsibility.
  Mike Riera tells us that teens maturity cycle includes movement back and forth between “not enough responsibility” and “too much freedom” in getting to the goal of consistent responsibility in difficult situations. Try to match “screw-ups” with the appropriate amounts of freedom curtailing and new opportunities to learn and demonstrate responsibility. Give them things to do that they can be successful at, so that they can ramp up again to try out their hard-won knowledge…which leads to a final tip:
• Remember that Teenagers Do Well on Things When They Are Feeling Good. And Feeling Good About Oneself Comes from Doing Well on Things. One consequence of this information is that when your child messes up, work with them on making the situation right and learning from it, but try to help them (subtly or not) find something they can succeed at. Not to point too fine a point on it: If they fail by messing up, help them succeed at fixing their mess…but don’t do it for them!

Michael Y. Simon, MFT
Director of Counseling, Bentley Upper School

15-Y-O Wants to Go to Unsupervised Teen Parties

I am a parent of a very social 15 year old sophmore at BHS. My daughter wants to be able to attend parties where there are no adults present in the home. My rules have been that there must be a parent in the house during the party, and I need to have the name and phone number of the parent of the kid that is hosting the party. My daughter complains that I am way too strict and that lots of her junior and senior friends have parties without parents in the home all the time. I would like to hear from parents of other high school age kids, (especially girls) regarding your rules for party attendance.

Part of the problem with high school parties is the age range. I guess by the time kids are getting ready to go off to college, we do expect them to make their own decisions about such things (after all, you won't be there to give or withhold permission, or chaperone, when they're away). But I certainly do feel that it's totally reasonable for me to be checking things out at this stage. And even when she's older, there will almost certainly be younger teens at the same parties - so I'm not sure how I'll deal with that. Let your daughter know that at least some of us are still taking our parental responsibilities seriously. Anon.

How about checking in with her friends' parents and getting their opinions, maybe make some agreements about how you'll manage your kids' socializing? It's always nice to have some peer support, and our girls need to know that their parents are wide awake and looking out for them, however much they protest it. Good luck. Melanie

As the recent, somewhat naive, hosts of an evening party for a group of middle schoolers, thought I should pass on a few tips I could have used beforehand. First, it is really important to be clear with your teen about the invitation process, i.e. keeping it very specific and discrete and creating a list for you to use in admitting people. Even then, think about how you plan to handle uninvited guests. Second, at the risk of underscoring my naivete, I'll pass on what may be obvious to everyone: hide and lock up all alcohol and all contents of medicine cabinets, unless it's o.k. w/you for people to consume these substances. Third, put away EVERYTHING you want to protect into a locked off area of your home (childproofing techniques, e.g. putting something high up or closing a door is mere "child's play" for a teen already well into his/her growth spurt and in a feisty, party mood). Fourth, don't expect to be able to control the movement and whereabouts of your guests. They have a tendancy to roam to do who knows what, & there is no way you can control what goes on beyond the confines of your home. Finally: hosting a teen party is not for the weak of heart and even the strong of heart need to have anywhere from 2 to many adults to help them (depending on the party's size). In the interest of space, I'll stop here, but am happy to correspond by e-mail w/any parent who would like to discuss party planning. The important P.S. is that despite the grim list above, my daughter had a great time and a great party and our home was unscathed. PPS: Corollary to #4 above is that I don't think we can hold hosting parents responsible for the behavior or even the whereabouts of our offspring during the course of a party. It is physically impossible for them, and we can only hope that each of our children has adequate judgment to keep out of harm's way.
Joan

Is this pretty much the situation? Does anyone know? Here is a recent quote: "I'm going to a party. I'll be home by 11. It's somewhere on ______ Street ( a nearby address). I don't know whose party it is - some kid from Head Royce. Everybody is going." Would you say OK to this?

NO!!!!!

"Party" is okay; "home by 11:00" is okay; "somewhere on ____ Street" is NOT okay--I want to know where my kids are and what the phone number is; "I don't know whose party" is definitely NOT okay. "Everybody is going"--that and a quarter will buy you an Examiner.

My biggest fear was always driving, whether it was my child or another. This past weekend one of my children "confessed" to me that when I used to give my speech to them as they were heading off in a car, that she knew she was supposed to act embarrassed in front of her friends but that she was grateful for the advice. The usual speech was: wear seat belts, don't distract the driver and DON'T have a party in car! All three of our kids, I'm grateful to say, survived both their dad and me AND the drives!

This discussion continues on A Student's Perspective on Parties