• 13-year-old wants to have a Halloween party
• PTA Article about Teen Parties
• Unsupervised teen parties
• Coed Hotel Sleepover for 16th Birthday Party?
• Murder Mystery party for preteen Halloween
• Spontaneous Huge Parties - Parents Away
• Options for Dealing with Parties and Drugs
• 15-Y-O Wants to Go to Unsupervised Teen Parties
• What goes on at Teen Parties?
• Student's Perspective on Parties
• Post-Prom Parties
• Birthday Party Ideas for Pre-teens
• Birthday Party Ideas for Teens
• Bar Mitzvah & Bat Mitzvah
• Party Venues & Rentals
• Related page: Asking who, what, when, where

13-year-old wants to have a Halloween party

My 13 year old son would like to host a Halloween Party and invite 30+ friends-both boys and girls. Of course my husband and I will be present the entire evening. There will be food, music and dancing. My son had demonstrated very responsible behavior and has never given us one reason to worry about the choices he makes. We like his friends and he is very social. It's the other kids I worry about. Should we allow him to host the party and if so, what kinds of activities should we provide to keep the party on the straight and narrow. I'd love to hear from anyone who has allowed (or not) their child to host their first boy/girl party. I'd also appreciate any tips to keep party running smoothly. Mom

PTA Article about Teen Parties

A few months ago, someone posted asking for information about the Berkeley Police Dept's workshop on out-of-control teen parties. I don't think anyone responded to that, but I just came across an article published in Jan 2006 by the Berkeley High School PTSA that gives an excellent account of the magnitude of the problem, and what parents can do: ''Parents Need to Know the Risks of Weekend Teenage Parties''

Unsupervised teen parties

In last week's newsletter there was an item from the Berkeley Police about a March 23 community forum on ''Teen Parties''. I have been meaning to write to the newsletter letting people know about my own experience. Our kids had an unauthorized party at our house in February just one week before the tragic teen party in North Berkeley where a teenager was stabbed to death (see http://www.berkeleydailyplanet.com/article.cfm?archiveDate=02-17-06&storyID=23437). It was very scary because it could have been our house. So I wanted to let other parents know what happened at our house.

We went out of town for the weekend and left our two kids, 20 and 23, in charge. We knew from their Berkeley High days that parents out of town often means party at your house, where everyone is invited, invitations are word of mouth and the door is open to anyone and everyone. But this time we thought they were older, they are good kids and they could be trusted. They promised no parties. What happened is they did have a party. Kids showed up that they didn't know, and things got out of control. There was a fight outside in the front yard. They really didn't know how to deal with it. They told us later that it never occurred to them to call the police. Someone could have been hurt, thank God no one was. Things were stolen - our cell phones and cameras and ipods. They paid us back out of their meager funds, but I learned my lesson: next time I don't leave them in the house by themselves no matter what. Please be extra conservative about leaving your kids at home alone. If you must leave them, ask a neighbor to check in, and talk to your kids about what ''out of control'' means, and what to do when that happens.
Still learning

Community Forum on Teen Parties

The Berkeley Police Department, in conjunction with the District 5 Berkeley City Council Office, is sponsoring a community forum on Thursday, March 23 on the growing concerns around teen parties:
- The social factors that lead to out-of-control teen events
- What teens can do if their party gets out of control
- Teen anxiety about calling the police. What will really happen?
- What are parents’ responsibilities if they are not there?
- What can and should neighbors do if they suspect a large, unsupervised teen party?
- How web sites, such as “My Space,” play a roll in spreading the word.

The BPD will also be available to address concerns about the February homicide on Contra Costa Ave.

The meeting will be Thursday, March 23, 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm at the Northbrae Church Community Center, 941 The Alameda, Berkeley. Available for questions will be representatives from the Berkeley Police Department’s Community Services Bureau and Homicide Division, and the City’s Mental Health Division.

For information, call the BPD Area Coordinator, Officer Nutterfield, at 981-5806, or the District 5 Council Office at 981-7150.
Jill Martinucci, aide to Berkeley Councilmember, District 5

Coed Hotel Sleepover for 16th Birthday Party?

Hello, My daughter is turning 16 in a few weeks and has requested a celebration with her friends. Part of this to include a night in a hotel, where they would ''hang out''. The group would consist of 3 boys and 4-5 girls. There are 4 teens in this group that are dating. They would get 2 rooms. My immediate reaction was absolutely not for all obvious reasons. My daughter is trying to convince me that this is ok, and that this would not be about sex and booze, ''they can do that anyway, anytime, if they really want to''. I continue to think that this is entirely inappropriate, way too risky and a celebration that calls for supervision if an overnight is involved. However, I would like to hear other parents opinions as well as suggestions for ''special'' 16th bday celebrations. Thanks to all. anonymous

(Oh, well, they all try things on. My daughter had elaborate plans, too, but ended up being content with pizza at the joint down the street with 9 friends, cake at home, a guest appearance by The Boyfriend, and 6 of the girls staying overnight. Some people tell me this was incredibly low-key, but everyone appeared to have a good time.) Melanie

Alternate suggestion, depending on time of year: Let your daughter organize a group day/evening event, with no parents. The local pizza parlor may be too boring-- what about taking BART to an elegant restaurant in the City or a concert at the Concord Pavilion or possibly an event at the Coliseum? Depending on your budget, what about flying down to Disneyland for the day? My own feeling is that a group of 16 year olds ought to be okay in those kind of public places. Alternatively, enlist her best friend for a surprise party or sleepover (girls only) and put some effort into the decoration and amenities. Albany parent

I agree with your daughter that if kids want to drink and have sex they can figure it out any day of the week. I just wouldn't want the liability.

I had to kind of get my daughter excited about something else besides her original idea of a co-ed slumber party. My daughter is taking a co-ed group out for dinner at The Elephant Bar. Some of my daughter's closest friends are guys. Then we are having a girls-only slumber party in a hotel suite which INCLUDES me and my 2 best girlfriends. Me and mine will have our own room and the 6 girls will have the living area and the other room. So we will ''around'' but will go by the girls' lead as to whether they want us in or out of the action. We are having 2 esthetician riends come to do manicures and pedicures. She is having snacks, vidoes and crazy games. The big surprise is that in the morning, we have make-up artists and hairstylist coming to do them all up and they will have a professional photo shoot for momentos. They are all girly girls and love to go the mall and get photos done all they time, so that should be fun.

All of the parents will receive, in addition to the invites, a detail of what we are doing. If any of the girls' moms want to come, they are so invited!

It's expensive, but our whole family is pitching in. We are spending about the same as if she had a huge party. She just wanted her closest best friends. We are taking them in a limo from the restaurant to the suite in San Francisco.

My daughter really got into the planning and I have to say that I am looking forward to hanging out with my friends too.

Just my opinion. Good luck and congrats on your daughter turning sweet 16!!!
Mom of 16 yr old too!

How about a party at your house and then just the girls sleep over? I think it is much easier to supervise at your house (without being in the same room all the time). Or since it is a small group, a dressy dinner at a nice restaurant?

I hope you can find an alternative that your daughter likes! Deborah

Murder Mystery party for preteen Halloween

My pre-teen daughter is interested in hosting a murder mystery party for Halloween. I've seen lots of ''kits'' available online but I don't know how to tell which ones are good. Has anyone out there ever done this sucessfully? Any recommendations on kits or formats? Any tips to make sure everyone has fun? Thanks for the help!
Needs A Clue

I found this link on-line which, though a little pricier than a boxed version, sounds great. It would be helpful to have someone else accomodate the number and gender of the guests. (My friend would usually try to do this.) http://www.host-a-murder.com/teen.html

Sounds like a great idea for a party for pre-teens. You might want to have some costume props available for those kids who might not otherwise get into it.
Have fun! Sally

Spontaneous Huge Parties - Parents Away

I'm very concerned about teen parties that appear to take place every weekend at Berkeley, Oakland and Piedmont homes where parents are away. They seem to explode rapidly into something very large and sometimes out of control, are attended by many many kids unknown to the ''hosts'', and are accompanied by lots of alcohol, marijuana and, I suspect, yet more serious things. Is this a growing problem generally, or is it a problem that I'm only now tumbling to given my child's current high level of interest in participation? In addition to monitoring our own children's behavior and talking informally with other parents, is there any coordinated community effort to address this phenomenon? I welcome information, thoughts, advice, etc. etc. Thanks, Bea

Options for Dealing with Parties and Drugs

March 2005

I'm posting below some information from a workshop I give on parties/drugs in high school. I hope this helps.

Options for Dealing with Parties/Drugs and Their Likely or Hoped-For Consequences

Strategy 1: Doing Nothing or “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Parents decide that there is nothing they can do and they can’t control their child, who is on the way to adulthood. The likely consequence though is that your child will feel ignored and abandoned in someway and will feel that the unspoken bond of trust has been betrayed, since children usually expect their parents to watch out for them and their safety, even if they rail against it.

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. When you have to confront someone you care about, the best strategy is to just ignore things and hope for the best. They probably can’t do the right thing, even if they know what it is.
2. It’s pointless trusting or consulting my parents because they won’t get involved or will feel burdened anyway.

Strategy 2: Doing Everything or “No @#$@ Way”

Parents decide that there is no way that they can trust their child to do the right thing. They forbid party- going and constantly check their child for drug and alcohol use. The child must answer to every inquiry and the parents verify every answer.

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. I can’t be trusted to do anything on my own; I’m untrustworthy and can’t mess up in order to learn.
2. I am not capable of taking responsibility in a difficult situation. People think I shouldn’t have choices, just limitations.
3. I’m still a child and need to be micro-managed or I’ll be out of control.
4. I need to act like a kid, to prove my parents right OR I need to be “hyper-adult” to prove I’m not a child (and thus, may in fact get in over my head as I attempt to take on too much adult responsibility).

Strategy 3: “Its All In Good Fun” or “I’m my teen’s best friend!” strategy

Parents might smoke or drink or use drugs in the house or might bond with their child by telling them about their “good old days” in the 60s and 70s when they too got busted by the cops or pulled over for drunk driving or snuck out of the house and fooled their parents or had a party when grandma and grandpa went away. The idea is that this bonding will encourage the child to share information about sex, drug use and parties and will keep it all from becoming a big deal. Plus, if it goes on in the house, they can keep an eye on it all, right?

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. My parents may be more concerned with what I want than what I need.
2. I can be trusted no matter what I do and my parents are really my friends, so if I mess up, its not such a big deal (and, consequently, I can’t really go to them).
3. Something is wrong if someone close to me has more power than I do.
4. The line between freedom and responsibility is blurry and difficult to figure out, because there are never really clear limits or boundaries around potentially dangerous activities.

Strategy 4: The Subtle Intervention: “No Big Talks”

Parents decide that they will not do one “big” intervention, but will try many, ongoing, “little” interventions, and include a number of strategies like: asking what the child thinks about the party/certain aspects of drug use; catching their child being “responsible” and subtly pointing it out or expressing their appreciation for a hard decision, well made; offer advice when it’s asked for but provide conditional offers of help from time to time, or providing “cover stories” to save face e.g., saying, “well, I’m still not totally okay about this party thing, but if you find that things are getting out of control tomorrow, let’s arrange a phone signal and I’ll come pick you up someplace where no one can see me getting you.”

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. My parents still care and are available in a pinch but they have some faith in me.
2. I’m trusted to come up with solutions on my own, because they often ask me what I think, rather than tell me what to do.
3. My intuition and “inner voice” is valued and valuable as a source of decision-making.
4. Things are not out of my control—I have choices and can get over the fear I have that I won’t be able to do the right thing (apropos of the essay you heard earlier).

Tips for Changing the Setting and Set Around Drug Use and Parties

• No parties without communication with parental hosts (if possible)
  • Parent hosts send out notice/announcement via parent listserv or email list (compiled outside of school) notifying of time, date, knowledge of party, what they know about drugs/alcohol and their feelings about it, whether they’ll be there, etc.
• Parents adopt “risk management” and “risk reduction” strategies around drug/alcohol use at parties
  • Read about drug and alcohol use (especially Over the Influence and Uppers, Downers and All-Arounders) and be prepared to help your child help him/herself reduce the risk associated with drug and alcohol use…because the bottom line is that you cannot stop them from taking drugs or going to a party unless they voluntarily agree to it OR they are involuntarily confined and under 24-hour guard. Know the effects of the drug of choice (e.g., that even short-term alcohol use has now been shown to effect short- and long-term memory retrieval ability in adolescents)
  • Set consistent limits and let those limits be set in conjunction with your kids—they get to have input, but not veto power or “final say;” the older and more mature the student, the more the input; the more successful demonstration of responsibility, the more the leeway, e.g., you don’t freak out when an otherwise responsible teen is home 20 minutes late every once and a while
  • Parents having a NQA or “Get out of jail free” card where parents pick up their child and take them home, any time, No Questions Asked (that night, anyway; it is unreasonable to expect that parents won’t pursue the issue when all participants are sober and awake and things have calmed down)
  • Parents being willing to be put on a “NQA” list (no questions asked); they can be called on party night and will pick up any child who needs a ride and would otherwise be driving under the influence or would be in a car with someone under the influence
• Align with Teachers (But Don’t Expect them to Parent)
  As Mike Riera points out, in grade school, when kids have problems, they go to their parents, teachers and then friends, in that order. Teens reverse the order and go first to friends, then teachers, and finally parents. So it makes good sense to align with teachers because the teachers often hear of struggles before you do. It’s not about interrogating the teachers, though; it’s about knowing the adults in your child’s life.
• Adopt a “Silence=Death” policy
  This is a dramatic way of putting it, but the point is, that you send the message that, “in our home, we talk about drug, alcohol use and parties…no exceptions; its on the table for discussion because we love you and will help protect you and help you protect yourself.” This doesn’t mean you interrogate your child or get into every aspect of their business; it does mean that you will ask questions respectfully and demonstrate your care, regardless of whether they want it or it makes them uncomfortable.
• Arm yourself with important information about legal consequences: Have knowledge that arrests and or citations can be made for the following offenses and understand (and have your child understand the consequences of each of this legal interventions):
     - Providing Alcohol to a Minor
     - Sale of Alcohol Without a License (if money is charged for the party)
     - Possession of Alcohol By A Minor
     - Drunken Disorderly Conduct
     - Driving Under the Influence
     - Vandalization of property
     - Irresponsible upkeep and improper garbage disposal to the point where it becomes a health hazard or eyesore (large parties with kegs/clean up)
• Understand that Parties are Opportunities to Help Your Child Develop their Intuition/Conscience and Learn to Act on Their Own Behalf (Make the right decisions, that are truly their decisions)
• Understand that Freedom and Responsibility go together in complicated ways.
  Teens need freedom to learn the right choices and to demonstrate their ability to respond well. And they need the chance to mess up in order to learn to respond well. Therefore, learning how to be responsible demands the chance to misuse or misunderstand the freedom that you grant to your teens. So, a logical but disconcerting consequence of this is that teenagers’ screw-ups are not necessarily reasons to curtail freedom, because this is the necessary condition for learning. “Screw-ups” can be occasions for teaching planning, stress management techniques, “threat” assessment, failure analysis, and a host of other important skills that can only be developed through hindsight and new chances to demonstrate newly incorporated information about what works and what doesn’t. And you might have to give up some more of your short-term freedom to teach them long-term responsibility.
  Mike Riera tells us that teens maturity cycle includes movement back and forth between “not enough responsibility” and “too much freedom” in getting to the goal of consistent responsibility in difficult situations. Try to match “screw-ups” with the appropriate amounts of freedom curtailing and new opportunities to learn and demonstrate responsibility. Give them things to do that they can be successful at, so that they can ramp up again to try out their hard-won knowledge…which leads to a final tip:
• Remember that Teenagers Do Well on Things When They Are Feeling Good. And Feeling Good About Oneself Comes from Doing Well on Things. One consequence of this information is that when your child messes up, work with them on making the situation right and learning from it, but try to help them (subtly or not) find something they can succeed at. Not to point too fine a point on it: If they fail by messing up, help them succeed at fixing their mess…but don’t do it for them!

Michael Y. Simon, MFT
Director of Counseling, Bentley Upper School

15-Y-O Wants to Go to Unsupervised Teen Parties

I am a parent of a very social 15 year old sophmore at BHS. My daughter wants to be able to attend parties where there are no adults present in the home. My rules have been that there must be a parent in the house during the party, and I need to have the name and phone number of the parent of the kid that is hosting the party. My daughter complains that I am way too strict and that lots of her junior and senior friends have parties without parents in the home all the time. I would like to hear from parents of other high school age kids, (especially girls) regarding your rules for party attendance.

Part of the problem with high school parties is the age range. I guess by the time kids are getting ready to go off to college, we do expect them to make their own decisions about such things (after all, you won't be there to give or withhold permission, or chaperone, when they're away). But I certainly do feel that it's totally reasonable for me to be checking things out at this stage. And even when she's older, there will almost certainly be younger teens at the same parties - so I'm not sure how I'll deal with that. Let your daughter know that at least some of us are still taking our parental responsibilities seriously. Anon.

How about checking in with her friends' parents and getting their opinions, maybe make some agreements about how you'll manage your kids' socializing? It's always nice to have some peer support, and our girls need to know that their parents are wide awake and looking out for them, however much they protest it. Good luck. Melanie

As the recent, somewhat naive, hosts of an evening party for a group of middle schoolers, thought I should pass on a few tips I could have used beforehand. First, it is really important to be clear with your teen about the invitation process, i.e. keeping it very specific and discrete and creating a list for you to use in admitting people. Even then, think about how you plan to handle uninvited guests. Second, at the risk of underscoring my naivete, I'll pass on what may be obvious to everyone: hide and lock up all alcohol and all contents of medicine cabinets, unless it's o.k. w/you for people to consume these substances. Third, put away EVERYTHING you want to protect into a locked off area of your home (childproofing techniques, e.g. putting something high up or closing a door is mere "child's play" for a teen already well into his/her growth spurt and in a feisty, party mood). Fourth, don't expect to be able to control the movement and whereabouts of your guests. They have a tendancy to roam to do who knows what, & there is no way you can control what goes on beyond the confines of your home. Finally: hosting a teen party is not for the weak of heart and even the strong of heart need to have anywhere from 2 to many adults to help them (depending on the party's size). In the interest of space, I'll stop here, but am happy to correspond by e-mail w/any parent who would like to discuss party planning. The important P.S. is that despite the grim list above, my daughter had a great time and a great party and our home was unscathed. PPS: Corollary to #4 above is that I don't think we can hold hosting parents responsible for the behavior or even the whereabouts of our offspring during the course of a party. It is physically impossible for them, and we can only hope that each of our children has adequate judgment to keep out of harm's way.
Joan

Is this pretty much the situation? Does anyone know? Here is a recent quote: "I'm going to a party. I'll be home by 11. It's somewhere on ______ Street ( a nearby address). I don't know whose party it is - some kid from Head Royce. Everybody is going." Would you say OK to this?

NO!!!!!

"Party" is okay; "home by 11:00" is okay; "somewhere on ____ Street" is NOT okay--I want to know where my kids are and what the phone number is; "I don't know whose party" is definitely NOT okay. "Everybody is going"--that and a quarter will buy you an Examiner.

My biggest fear was always driving, whether it was my child or another. This past weekend one of my children "confessed" to me that when I used to give my speech to them as they were heading off in a car, that she knew she was supposed to act embarrassed in front of her friends but that she was grateful for the advice. The usual speech was: wear seat belts, don't distract the driver and DON'T have a party in car! All three of our kids, I'm grateful to say, survived both their dad and me AND the drives!

This discussion continues on A Student's Perspective on Parties