Need to find a therapeutic boarding school for my talented, difficult, bipolar 15-y-o

I have used your site and love it. I'm in Mill Valley trying to find a therapeutic boarding school for my talented, difficult, bipolar 15 year old who goes to school only 50% of the time. School has threatened me with SARB. My daughter has a history of poor attendance as she's tired, depressed even with the meds that have been changed extensively. Does not do well with theraist and she's had many. I'm thinking that expressive arts or a teen group might be better and am looking. It's hard to get her to transition to any place expect being with friends. She's attending AA on her own because of drug and alcohol issues in the past and is on probation with a very skilled probation officer, but that almost over and I'm scared. Tough behavior mod as a motivator partially successful,but tends to lock her into fight mode. She responds better to structure, love, clear consequences, one to one (executive function issues along with working memory problems) and community.

In the process of therapeutic school placement with IEP but don't expect much.Searched your site and read horrific and wonderful stories of placement concluding I need an ed. Consultant and Molly Baron might be good? Also, does anyone have an attorney which I expect to need, but finances are hard as a single parent. Exhaused and not able to work away from home very much, she needs extensive supervision. Joyce

We also used a lawyer whom I highly recommend. He specializes in representing families of special needs children. His name is Mike Zatopa and his email is mike@zatopastephens.com anon

Chronically truant 17-year-old smoking weed, won't come home

Does anyone have experience with/recommendation of an effective, compassionate, disciplined residence for an almost 17 yr old boy who is chronically truant and smoking weed and won't come home anymore? Thanks in advance. Optimiss

Runaway daughter's possessions - not giving them back to her

Recently, our teen has been a runaway. Now she is back but sheltered away from our home with friends under our parental permission. Due to her unsafe behavior and attitude in our home we are concerned about permitting her to have all of her personal possessions back. She is 16 years old and almost all of her possessions were paid for by the family. We feel that we may need some of her possessions to substantiate her unsafe presence in our home (journals, threatening letters, etc), document her willful disregard for her health and safety and to protect ourselves from our daughters damaging behavior.

We also feel that all possessions in the home belong to us, including her clothing, furniture, etc. We have permitted her to take almost all of her own clothing, music and cd players but we are limiting her access to the other things. We feel we need to negotiate and manage her behavior thru access to her possessions. It's unfortunate that we have to use this to deal with her delinquency and irresponsible behavior. Can you offer any suggestions and guidelines to deal with the possessions of a minor ? Jack

Focusing on your daughter's access to possessions may be a way for you to try to maintain some control over your daughter but I am worried you may be missing the more important message here: this is your daughter's cry for help. There are many parents who are struggling with similar struggles with their teens. If community professional help has been tried and has failed many parents have found it necessary to send their teen to a drug or residential program to stop the drug use and destructive behavior.

Please hang in their with your daughter, she needs your love and support now more than ever. Good luck, Mary

With all due respect, I think you're barking up the wrong tree in terms of using your teen's possessions to control her behavior. If she's currently out of the home, having recently run away, and you're already thinking about how to substantiate her ''unsafe presence'' in your home, I think that the question of who paid for her possessions is the last of your worries. I don't suggest therapy for everyone, nor do I think it works for everyone, however, this is clearly (to me) a first priority--not figuring out which possessions to let her use. Unless her particular possession is something that she can use to hurt you or herself, it is only going to further escalate problems by getting into a war with her over what is hers and what isn't hers. If she's a teen, she likely feels that her possessions are not only hers, but that they help define her in very significant ways.

If you're worried for your own safety, please get help for your family with negotiating and managing her destructive behavior; no family should go through this kind of tension and stress alone. Teens run away for a reason; and parents, in my opinion, shouldn't feel that they have to figure out the nearly-impossible job of parenting teens on their own.

The Berkeley Parents Network is filled with parent reviews of therapists who specialize in working with teenagers. I recommend that you contact Stuart Brotman at Coyote Coast. They are available at the address/number: 23 Orinda Way, Suite 300, Orinda CA 94563; (925) 258-5400 -Phone and fax Michael

Considering intervention for out of control 14-year-old

My wonderful, sweet, loving little girl has turned into a teenager (14) who is running our lives with her out of control behavior. She is still sweet and loving when she wants to be, but the flip side of her behavior is lying, stealing (she got caught stealing from Walgreens), cutting school and just this week, running away (1:00am until morning). She hangs out with a lot of the independent study students at Berkeley High, many older than her and who seem to be running around at all hours of the day with no supervision. Her most recent report card had grades ranging from a B to mainly D's. One of her teachers has mentioned that she is the brightest student in his class, so the poor grades are not due to a lack of ability. She was suspended from BHS for 2 days recently for excessive cutting. (Since the suspension she has been going to all her classes.) We have tried all kinds of things to reel her in, limiting her time on the phone and with friends, dropping her off and picking her up at school, involving the police when she ran away etc. She started seeing a therapist several months ago. I'm now seriously considering drastic measures like sending her off to a Wilderness program. What have other parents done in my situation? What worked for you?

Before you consider sending your daughter away Wilderness Tough Love Camp please consider Family Therapy. Of all the things we have tryed Family Therapy has made all of the difference! I'm sure there are many skilled and qualified family therapists in the area that your health plan may partially cover. We have Kaiser so we are limited in covered family therapists. Larry Leibman at Kaiser in Oakland has been great.

I would also like to warn you that there is a lot of controversy about the safety and effectiveness of the tough love approach. I would strongly recommend that you research this option before you commit to it. Good Luck! Jan

Good boarding school for totally out of control teen

A friend of mine has a teen who is totally out of control and none of their intervention seems to help. The mom wants to look into boarding school as an option but doesn't want one of those 'bad' boarding schools you hear about where kids are made to do extreme activity or something. Does anyone know of or have experience with a good boarding school that you could recommend? jen

Fortunately [well, it did NOT seem so fortunate at the time], we tried and my son flunked a local rehab program, and the psychiatrist there referred us to an educational consultant, Bodin Associates [in Lafayette and Los Altos]. They were able to recommend a therapeutic wilderness program and then a boarding school, both really right for our son.

We really needed the support, the assurance that these folks had visited and knew the places they suggested, a reasonable number of safe places to look at [they suggested 8 places, and we discussed 3 more we heard about], and the practical input they had at certain points. I can't imagine how to approach finding a boarding school without some kind of guidance like this. It would be a total crap shoot.

The internet is cool, but -- too many choices, too little info relevant to a particular kid or a particular place.

There was a time the cost of the consultant would have knocked me over, but [a] that is nothing compared to the cost of a boarding school, and [b] much more importantly, our son ended up where he needed to be, and is doing well after 14 months, and he has been safe and supported and challenged -- and also, at his particular school, he got sober plus had fun. And he's graduating next month!

Best to families in this situation. a mom

Boarding Program for Troubled Teen?

We have a troubled relative who is 13, and out of control. Her immediate family is from out of the country and is not equipped to deal with her current problems, which range from drug use and stealing to dangerous boyfriends and cutting herself, and regularly dissappearing. We have already called the police and Child Protective Services, there is not much they say they can do at this point -- and we want to see if we can find a safe place for her to be contained, such as a boarding school that would be affordable and effective for us. Please let us know if you know of any schools, camps, programs, or even group homes that would be a good option for us (she has MediCal, and her mother is on Disability). Many thanks for your help.

former troubled youth

My 16-year-old step-daughter is out of control

My husband's 16 yr. old daughter has gotten so out of control - both living with us as well as with her mother - that we are considering trying boarding school or an alternative living situation to see if she can get back on track. A wonderful posting put it so eloquently when the writer said we ''might begin by considering whether our problematic children are really the canaries in the coal mine of our toxic society.'' Considering this, we hope that a change in her environment might at least give her a different perspective of what is important. If anyone has any information on these types of facilities, we would greatly appreciate any feedback.

I do believe that sometimes a break between parent/teen for both can be good. IF it can be done in a regular boarding school, through relatives or friends I believe that to be better. I seriously doubt that any real ''therapy'' happens at these places except for a very small minority. I will say that Anastazi, a wilderness program, is one of the few based on principles of love and works with the family in a healthy way.

I have a disorganized blog on the matter at http://www.troubledteenindustry.blogspot.com. I hope to have it in place as a very informative website soon. I the meantime just scroll through and I'm sure you'll find some good info there.

I have read hundreds of nightmarish stories and only a few good ones. I am trying to do my best to stop anymore kids from going through these (often) permanently damaging ordeals at the tremendous expense of their families, often with the effect of alienating a child from their family for good. There is no evidence of their efficacy, only the anecdote here and there. The tremendous bulk of evidence points in the opposite direction. AND every major psychological authority - NIMH, American Association of Chld and Family Psychiatrists, , American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, American Association of Nurses along with all the states in which these places can't exist (like California) because they operate without the standard rules we have in place to protect children from abuse and protect their basic rights.

Unfortunately, I sign this anonymously because there are educational consultants and people associated with these programs who can be VERY AGGRESSIVE AND INORDINATELY DEFENSIVE when criticized. I have already been harrassed to the degree that I've exposed myself personally. anon

Need info about out-of-state residential treatment programs

I am urgently seeking information from parents who've sent their kids to out-of-state therapeutic, emotional growth, character building, residential treatment schools, especially ones run by Aspen Education Group but others like Hyde or CEDU etc.. as well. Good and bad experiences are of intense interest, as well as good and bad experiences searching for appropriate placements, especially with independent ed. consultants. This information is critical to someone's life. Thanks Betty

Also, if either parent is covered by mental heath insurance, those insurance companies can pay part or all of a therapeutic school's tuition, but you need to get the agreement of your insurance caseworker, and this generally requires getting a letter from the child's therapist in support of getting a child into a facility.

I have personal experience with both Provo Canyon School and Island View School, both of Utah. Both schools are good and are Level-14 lockdown facilities (highly controlled access) with accredited schools (junior high through high school). Provo can handle slightly tougher cases, but I think Island View has a better progam. At Island View, in addition to being responsible for their individual therapy, the kids are all assigned to teams, so their behavior as individuals affects overall team progress. This gives them a peer group to whom they must be responsible, and I think it speeds the process of behavioral growth. Also, Island View teaches a foreign language (Spanish), which Provo Canyon doesn't (or didn't, when my child went there). Island View also has a continuation school (Oakley School) for kids who have completed the therapeutic program, but who wouldn't necessarily do well returning directly home. They also seem to be pretty well connected to other continuation schools in other areas. Their family therapy weekends are much better than what I experienced with Provo Canyon.

In terms of getting a child to an out-of-state school, some kids may cooperate with you taking them there, some may not. If you need to hire people to transport them, again, work with an educational consultant, since horror stories abound. Mine recommeded AGS (Adolescence Guidance Service/phone 877-700-3300). They were very low-key, very quiet and very professional. My husband went on the same plane and followed in a separate car to the school so her could meet with the therapist and treatment team. He was very impressed. Our daughter completed high school and the therapeutic program at Island View. She came home and has been working while waiting to start college, and has stayed out of trouble. She didn't have a meltdown when her dad paased away suddenly, so overall, I think Island View was very successful in its work with her. Anonymous

As you can tell, a concerned parent that's seen and heard too much about these places. This is a BUYER BEWARE arena if there ever was one. anon

As a parent who recently had to make the agonising decision to send our son to a wilderness program and then on to a therapuetic boarding school, I know how difficult the process can be. At first we kind of went it alone, mostly for financial reasons, but eventually we decided to use the educational consultants, Bodin Associates in Lafayette. Part of what they do is pre-screen wilderness programs and boarding schools, for example, there are hundreds of wilderness programs and they only recommend four. Through Bodin we found a school that is a perfect fit for our son. His school is called Monarch http://monarchschool.com/. It is a coed, creative arts based school, in Montana. They have an organic garden, animals, etc., and most importantly the founders, staff and faculty are incredibly caring, and commited to helping kids get back on track. Their program is very well-conceived and the kids who graduate appear to be doing well. Our son has made enormous strides there and is barely recognisable from the angry, sullen, negative boy who refused to say goodbye to us when we took him there in March. I'm sure the school isn't perfect for everyone but I wanted you to know there are options. If you have additional questions please feel free to contact me. Best wishes, lori

Residential school for teen with emotional problems

I am looking for a residential school for my teenaged son who,while very bright, has severe emotional problems. We have exhausted all local options and feel that a therapeutic/residential program may be the best option now. This is not a sudden decision and we would like to be sure that the school we pick will really serve his needs. I noticed that there was some discussion on this topic here a few years ago but I wondered if anyone had more recent experience, particularly whether someone could recommend a school by name, preferably one on or near the West Coast? Also, does anyone know the name of a good counselor who specializes in placing children in residential schools? Anonymous worried mom

I strongly recommend spending the money for an educational consultant. Their services are often a couple of thousand dollars, but considering the other potential expenditures you're facing they are an essential investment as well as being an excellent resource. They should help evaluate your son's situation and try to match them with an appropriate school, and my impression is that they don't recommend someplace unless they're familiar with it's approach and have personally visited the school. The good ones will remain in contact with you during his time there, which helps you understand what's going on.

There are a number of good ones in the bay area, and we used Molly Baron at McClure, Mallory & Baron in San Francisco, who was very helpful. She combined her own evaluation with tests and evaluations from other professionals to help us make the appropriate choices. She also met with us while our son was in the program to help us evaluate his progress and future needs. Good luck to you and your son. anonymous

Warning about Harsh residential schools

Since this newsletter has carried discussions about residential schools in the past, I thought readers might be interested in an article that appeared in the New York Times May 9, 2003.

Here is the abstract; the full article (and it is long) can be purchased from the NY Times - info is on this page:

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/09/international/americas/09MEXI.html

Parents, Shopping for Discipline, Turn to Harsh Programs Abroad 
  
By TIM WEINER (NYT) 2654 words 
Late Edition - Final , Section A , Page 1 , Column 1 

ABSTRACT - Behavior-modification programs and boarding schools for troubled
youths that have faced legal and licensing challenges in United States are moving
abroad, where they operate largely free of regulation; some are said to employ
minimum-wage custodians more than teachers or therapists; about 2,200 youths
are thought to attend 11 affiliated programs in Mexico, Costa Rica and Jamaica
run by businessmen based in Utah under banner World Wide Assn of Specialty
Programs and Schools; local governments and State Dept officials have
investigated these programs in Mexico, Czech Republic and Samoa on charges of
physical abuse and immigration violations; some have been closed; many parents
and youths say behavior-management system of discipline and punishment scares
youths into sobriety and obedience; others say programs profit from struggling
parents unable to handle their depressed, delinquent, defiant or drug-abusing
children; profit margins and growth within programs appear solid.

Looking for residential schools for out-of-control teenage daughter

I am in the process of looking for a boarding school for my out-of-control teenage daughter. I need something that addresses both emotional growth and academic growth. I don't want a lock-down situation, but hopefully something that's isolated enough that it accomplishes the same purpose. Things have gotten continually worse in the last month and her grades have plumetted. Does anyone have any experience with such schools or know a good source of information? (Yes, we've been in counseling each of us individually and also as a family.) Anonymous

I understand someone was looking for boarding schools for out-of-control teens. I've had a recent positive experience and would be happy to talk one-on-one with parents who need assistance in this area.

"Boot camp" for 16 year old who is endangering herself?

My best friend has a 16 year old daughter in real trouble. Over the past couple of years she has become increasingly unmanageable. She has developed a drinking problem, become depressed, and become extremely sexually active with adult males. The other night she was found by the police on a remote canyon road with an adult in a very compromising position. This just isn't safe. My friend has tried all the home-based solutions, the girl is in counseling, has had all rights and privileges revoked or monitored. This is just a very painful situation for all concerned.

My question is this. Does anyone have any experience with those "boot camps" you hear about? It is my friends opinion that he needs to get her away from the area and from the friends she has developed and start on a new path. If this child's path isn't changed soon - she will suffer some horrible result. Anonymous

As a parent of an out-of-control teen, I can strongly recommend Tough Love International, a self-help group for parents of teens who have behaviors that cause parents deep concern. This group is simply excellent and the concepts it uses work. I have been attending a local chapter of this group for 5 weeks and have found it a lifesaver. It doesn't provide an instant cure to your problems, but you gradually collect skills and tools which are priceless. See their website at: toughlove.org Good luck!

Is your daughter gifted and bored? Send her to a rigorous single sex boarding school (though boarding school leaves lots of room for drug use and sexual experimentation, too, check it out carefully). If you think your daughter has fundamentally good values at base, try some kind of away summer program, maybe some teen outdoors adventure program (do you want her to behave healthier, or to punish her - something to consider). It will give you a break from each other, which is what I really felt my parents were after (despite all kinds of acting out behavior, it wasn't until I said f-you to my mother that I found myself literally taken off the street and deposited in an old fashioned state psych hospital, ah, the good old days). I think an Outward Bound program would have been good for me (though I may have hated it), boarding school, or even a group home. They went for the thing they could get the fastest.

I do feel it's important to intervene: though I've been successful academically and done lots of interesting things in many countries, I believe I missed some fundamental lessons during adolescence that affect me even still. Just be very careful what you choose; punitive solutions may have repercussions that you all may not recover from. anonymous

My parents were rather oblivious, and nobody in my immediate family was really pressuring me to change or conform. I did well in school and kept my private life to myself. However, I sensed what was happening was leading to a bad outcome and I decided to save myself....

At age 15, I bought a round-trip ticket to Paris. I had been corresponding with a French pen pal for several years and arranged to stay with him and his family in a small town outside of Paris. Needless to say, the host parents were rather wide-eyed when I walked off the plane in my lipstick, halter and sandals!

During this time, I underwent a rather dramatic transformation. In short, I cleansed and processed my personal history. Being away from my usual destructive environment really changed the way I saw myself. I quit shaving and wearing make-up, for example. I didn't drink hard liquor and quit smoking cigarettes. It's not that I suddenly became straight and narrow. What happened was much subtler: I basically had a chance to collect myself, refine my thinking and make new impressions on myself. I continued to lead a very independent life, perhaps even more so than before, but I was more mature and self-aware about my behavior and the responsibilties and consequences of independence.

The idea of juvenile "boot camp" makes me cringe. A 15 year old person who is making bad judgements needs to find a path that makes sense _according to their own world view_, limited as it may be. Conformity is not a real long-term solution, IMHO. Learning how to take responsibility for one's actions, in terms that are self-generated, seems infinitely more dynamic and effective. Such solutions are the product of a developing conscience, and that seems to be what it's really all about.

Hope this story is of some use. Best wishes, Claire

Susan

So I will relate the story of my older sister who had three sons (large blended family) who went through very, very difficult periods when they were teens--alcohol, drugs, depression, crime, anti-social behavior, etc. She agonized over the decision that this parent is now agonizing over: should I consider an act that I find repugnant because it may be the only thing that will save my child? In two of the three cases, she ended up concluding that some kind of forced removal from the immediate scene was what the child needed. In one case, the child had to be decieved about what was happening in order to take physical custody of him. It was awful and at least as traumatic for the parents as for the son, who was too stoned to know what was going on. I'll cut to the chase. One of these two boys has ended up just fine. As a result of the program he went completely clean and sober (more than 15 years now), has subsequently married and is a loving and responsible parent. The second also substantially changed his behavior and was pretty much ok for 5 or 6 years, until he had a very tragic run-in with a firearm and is now in prison. Interestingly, after he completed the "boot camp" program, not only was he not angry with his parents, but rather he thanked them for caring enough to do such a difficult thing. Just to complete the tale, I will say that the third troubled son, who did not go into a program, came out OK as well; that her two other children never got into any trouble whatsoever and went to college, pursued careers, and had families as she had expected all five would; and that the entire family has been very close and supportive of one another, despite their very different paths, for many years.

There are two points here. One is that it is very, very difficult to understand why children get derailed or what pulls them out of it. The second is that horrific as these "boot camps" may seem to some of us, we need to remember that they are probably right for some kids. In this case, I believe they saved one kid and helped another. I would implore this heartbroken mother to listen, listen, listen to her child and her heart.

I've had doubts. I'll never be totally sure if I did the right thing if I should have kept her here and let her work things out. She was angry at me after she left the place for a while and her life has not been easy and clear cut since, though not bad like it was before. I do know one thing though. She's alive to make it better.

Anonymous