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Out of Control Teen

Advice, discussions, and reviews from the Parents of Teens weekly email newsletter.

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Teenagers > Out of Control Teen

Runaway daughter's possessions - not giving them back to her

May 2007

Recently, our teen has been a runaway. Now she is back but sheltered away from our home with friends under our parental permission. Due to her unsafe behavior and attitude in our home we are concerned about permitting her to have all of her personal possessions back. She is 16 years old and almost all of her possessions were paid for by the family. We feel that we may need some of her possessions to substantiate her unsafe presence in our home (journals, threatening letters, etc), document her willful disregard for her health and safety and to protect ourselves from our daughters damaging behavior.

We also feel that all possessions in the home belong to us, including her clothing, furniture, etc. We have permitted her to take almost all of her own clothing, music and cd players but we are limiting her access to the other things. We feel we need to negotiate and manage her behavior thru access to her possessions. It's unfortunate that we have to use this to deal with her delinquency and irresponsible behavior. Can you offer any suggestions and guidelines to deal with the possessions of a minor ? Jack

You are doing everything very right on. We have already been through all of this. It's very hard to do this to your own child, but it is best. We have been through different parenting classes, etc & this is what is suggested. Try to hook up with The Parent Project class. There is one held in Concord, but it is well worth the drive. For more info or to register, call Jerry Zimmerman, Psychologoist 925-687-0374, Melody Royal, MDUSD Parent Liason, 925-682-8000 x4297. This is an 11 week class and are held at the John Muir Behavioral Health Center, 2730 Grant St. 94520. Consultations are also available before & after class. Jerry & Melody are amazing!! Good Luck with everything. Been there, done that, not easy.
Dear Jack, I am really concerned about your daughter and why she is needing to runaway and act out. If her behavior is truly damaging to others then you must be worried sick about her and what is fueling her rebellion. Is your daughter's behavior a result of drug use (can create threatening and rebellious behavior in teens), has she suffered a recent trauma (accident, loss, family conflict) or been victimized in some way? Is she failing in school or suffering a significant psychological crisis (depression, anxiety, or bipolar issues?) I think it would be helpful to have your daughter evaluated for possible addiction (needs to get drug testing to be sure) and mental illness. You can help your daughter best by showing your love and concern for her, threatening her will only escalate her need to threaten you back. There are many therapists in the community who deal with adolescents and their families who can help you. Are you and your daughter's mother willing to seek help and advice for yourselves and seek evaluation and treatment for your daughter?

Focusing on your daughter's access to possessions may be a way for you to try to maintain some control over your daughter but I am worried you may be missing the more important message here: this is your daughter's cry for help. There are many parents who are struggling with similar struggles with their teens. If community professional help has been tried and has failed many parents have found it necessary to send their teen to a drug or residential program to stop the drug use and destructive behavior.

Please hang in their with your daughter, she needs your love and support now more than ever. Good luck, Mary

Dear Jack, By way of introductions, I work with thousands of teenagers, am the director of counseling for a high school and in private practice (and the parent of a former teen), so I have some experience with the world of parenting difficult teens.

With all due respect, I think you're barking up the wrong tree in terms of using your teen's possessions to control her behavior. If she's currently out of the home, having recently run away, and you're already thinking about how to substantiate her ''unsafe presence'' in your home, I think that the question of who paid for her possessions is the last of your worries. I don't suggest therapy for everyone, nor do I think it works for everyone, however, this is clearly (to me) a first priority--not figuring out which possessions to let her use. Unless her particular possession is something that she can use to hurt you or herself, it is only going to further escalate problems by getting into a war with her over what is hers and what isn't hers. If she's a teen, she likely feels that her possessions are not only hers, but that they help define her in very significant ways.

If you're worried for your own safety, please get help for your family with negotiating and managing her destructive behavior; no family should go through this kind of tension and stress alone. Teens run away for a reason; and parents, in my opinion, shouldn't feel that they have to figure out the nearly-impossible job of parenting teens on their own.

The Berkeley Parents Network is filled with parent reviews of therapists who specialize in working with teenagers. I recommend that you contact Stuart Brotman at Coyote Coast. They are available at the address/number: 23 Orinda Way, Suite 300, Orinda CA 94563; (925) 258-5400 -Phone and fax Michael

Considering intervention for out of control 14-year-old

Feb 2006

My wonderful, sweet, loving little girl has turned into a teenager (14) who is running our lives with her out of control behavior. She is still sweet and loving when she wants to be, but the flip side of her behavior is lying, stealing (she got caught stealing from Walgreens), cutting school and just this week, running away (1:00am until morning). She hangs out with a lot of the independent study students at Berkeley High, many older than her and who seem to be running around at all hours of the day with no supervision. Her most recent report card had grades ranging from a B to mainly D's. One of her teachers has mentioned that she is the brightest student in his class, so the poor grades are not due to a lack of ability. She was suspended from BHS for 2 days recently for excessive cutting. (Since the suspension she has been going to all her classes.) We have tried all kinds of things to reel her in, limiting her time on the phone and with friends, dropping her off and picking her up at school, involving the police when she ran away etc. She started seeing a therapist several months ago. I'm now seriously considering drastic measures like sending her off to a Wilderness program. What have other parents done in my situation? What worked for you?

I read your message with a great deal of sympathy. I have a 16 year old daughter with ADHD who was out of control as a Sophmore at BHS, i.e cutting classes, running away at all hours, violent aggressive behavior, etc. We tried many interventions. Got her tested for learning disabilities at BHS and Kaiser, got help from Mr. Bovey the excellent school psychologist at BHS, Individual psychotherapy, tutoring at Classroom Matters, even considered biofeedback.

Before you consider sending your daughter away Wilderness Tough Love Camp please consider Family Therapy. Of all the things we have tryed Family Therapy has made all of the difference! I'm sure there are many skilled and qualified family therapists in the area that your health plan may partially cover. We have Kaiser so we are limited in covered family therapists. Larry Leibman at Kaiser in Oakland has been great.

I would also like to warn you that there is a lot of controversy about the safety and effectiveness of the tough love approach. I would strongly recommend that you research this option before you commit to it. Good Luck! Jan

I just wanted to interject a note about Wilderness Therapy Camp. This is not the same as 'tough love' or 'bootcamp.' I agree it's a last resort, but having used it reluctantly for my 16 year old son, even I was surprised at how useful the therapy was. I might even say that my son liked it! He was really in a spiral - just as you describe - cutting classes, drugs, hanging out with friends I found worrisome - and I think he actually appreciated being stopped. It was very structured, but not toughlove. The counselors were professionals with advanced degrees and lots of experience - and we talked with them on the phone every week. He had not been much of a camper, and he enjoyed the backpacking and came back with great stories of having spotted a golden eagle, for example. He was very attached to his group of kids and even when he returned, was interested in how the kids who were still there were doing. He also learned a lot by observing the behavior of kids who were even angrier, more depressed, etc. than he was, seeing how unproductive their behavior was. Let me just add, as the crowning testimonial, that during the recent holiday season, my son wanted to write holiday greetings to his counselors at the camp, and now says that he would like to get a job there one summer! I think the important thing here, is that you do have to carefully vet the camp you choose. D. Lee

Good boarding school for totally out of control teen

April 2005

A friend of mine has a teen who is totally out of control and none of their intervention seems to help. The mom wants to look into boarding school as an option but doesn't want one of those 'bad' boarding schools you hear about where kids are made to do extreme activity or something. Does anyone know of or have experience with a good boarding school that you could recommend? jen

When we needed to send our son away, we had no idea where to start. There must be thousands of boarding schools and programs out there. Some are definitely better than others, and some are better for particular kids.

Fortunately [well, it did NOT seem so fortunate at the time], we tried and my son flunked a local rehab program, and the psychiatrist there referred us to an educational consultant, Bodin Associates [in Lafayette and Los Altos]. They were able to recommend a therapeutic wilderness program and then a boarding school, both really right for our son.

We really needed the support, the assurance that these folks had visited and knew the places they suggested, a reasonable number of safe places to look at [they suggested 8 places, and we discussed 3 more we heard about], and the practical input they had at certain points. I can't imagine how to approach finding a boarding school without some kind of guidance like this. It would be a total crap shoot.

The internet is cool, but -- too many choices, too little info relevant to a particular kid or a particular place.

There was a time the cost of the consultant would have knocked me over, but [a] that is nothing compared to the cost of a boarding school, and [b] much more importantly, our son ended up where he needed to be, and is doing well after 14 months, and he has been safe and supported and challenged -- and also, at his particular school, he got sober plus had fun. And he's graduating next month!

Best to families in this situation. a mom

Boarding Program for Troubled Teen?

March 2005

We have a troubled relative who is 13, and out of control. Her immediate family is from out of the country and is not equipped to deal with her current problems, which range from drug use and stealing to dangerous boyfriends and cutting herself, and regularly dissappearing. We have already called the police and Child Protective Services, there is not much they say they can do at this point -- and we want to see if we can find a safe place for her to be contained, such as a boarding school that would be affordable and effective for us. Please let us know if you know of any schools, camps, programs, or even group homes that would be a good option for us (she has MediCal, and her mother is on Disability). Many thanks for your help.

my advice the the family with the ''out of control teen'' is to look on line for therapeutic boarding schools. ''The ASpen group'' is a great network of schools for troubled kids. My son went to Stone Mountain school for boys. It helped him a lot. They have a school for girls in Arizona i think. Good luck. mom of troubled kid
To the relative of a troubled teen: Understandably, if her parents are from another country, it would be difficult for them to deal with the cultural and social pressures on teens here. I strongly recommend Berkeley Youth Alternatives. They can help the parents as well as the teen and even offer a temporary live-in facility for teen run-aways while they are in counseling with family. I went there as a teen myself and it changed my life. Of course, that was 30 years ago. I'm sure much has changed! Good luck. http://www.byaonline.org/BYA_CounselingCenter.html

former troubled youth

My 16-year-ols step-daughter is out of control

October 2004

My husband's 16 yr. old daughter has gotten so out of control - both living with us as well as with her mother - that we are considering trying boarding school or an alternative living situation to see if she can get back on track. A wonderful posting put it so eloquently when the writer said we ''might begin by considering whether our problematic children are really the canaries in the coal mine of our toxic society.'' Considering this, we hope that a change in her environment might at least give her a different perspective of what is important. If anyone has any information on these types of facilities, we would greatly appreciate any feedback.

I am a family therapist who has treated teens who are making life difficult for themselves and everyone around them. You do not mention in your letter if she or your family has sought treatment. It is important to have a clear idea of what is causing the behavior before making the change. Kids are also the canaries in the cages of their families, and their acting out often demonstrates the affects of what's gone on around them over which they may feel they have no control. Some express this in extreme ways that may include drugs or alcohol, sexual acting out, stealing, cutting and the development of eating disorders. In other cases, there is an emotional problem that's been quietly developing which surfaces during stressful times, such as depression, anxiety disorders or more serious mental illness. Since bad behavior is the cover up for all of these precursors, it is important that a professional evaluate the child so that even if the decision is to send her away there can be adequate treatment and/or medication to deal with a more severe condition. If there is not a pattern of open communication in the family with either parent there is more chance that the child will continue to act out. A family therapist can explore ways of getting family members to open up and speak with each other about difficult subjects. Often things can change once this happens. Get the help you need so that all of you can begin to feel better. Cynthia Brody, MFT Moraga, CA 925-926-6566
I posted above about my serious concerns about the industry that has grown around ''troubled teens''. I don't want to beat a dead horse but while the responses of people who've had success with these programs are not to be dismissed, their success seems more a matter of luck and that their teens are among the very few for whom these programs (minus the stripping of all constiutional rights, including the right to make a complaint of abuse, may MAJOR concern about most of these places. Abuses of the most horrendous sort, especially in states like Utah, ''the fraud capital of the world'' according to Forbes, have happened and have been covered up. These programs bring in a large amount of revenue for their states and the large corp. owners of these schools donate A LOT of money to Utah. Montana and Missouri are among others that are known for similar egregious problems. There is no need for the kind of secrecy, extreme deprivation and shut off from the world that these programs (the bad ones) require. The cost of the programs, nor the slickness of the brochures should not fool anyone to believe that they represent the quality of the program. I have a brochure in front of me that baldly lies that they have a child and adolescent psychiatrist, (actually implying a Team of psychiatrist), where in fact there are NO psychiatrists. Intelligent people from the bay are have sent their kids to these places and have have severe regrets. Their stories are out there to read in many places. I just pray that anyone who decides to send their child away, a) consider all other options before resorting to this drastic option and b) have not only been to the site but checked on the credentials of the owner, corporate ownership, therapist, psychiatrist etc... Adults, know in their 30's who were among the first to attend these places, including someone I know, often suffer from PTSD as a result and have never recovered.

I do believe that sometimes a break between parent/teen for both can be good. IF it can be done in a regular boarding school, through relatives or friends I believe that to be better. I seriously doubt that any real ''therapy'' happens at these places except for a very small minority. I will say that Anastazi, a wilderness program, is one of the few based on principles of love and works with the family in a healthy way.

I have a disorganized blog on the matter at http://www.troubledteenindustry.blogspot.com. I hope to have it in place as a very informative website soon. I the meantime just scroll through and I'm sure you'll find some good info there.

I have read hundreds of nightmarish stories and only a few good ones. I am trying to do my best to stop anymore kids from going through these (often) permanently damaging ordeals at the tremendous expense of their families, often with the effect of alienating a child from their family for good. There is no evidence of their efficacy, only the anecdote here and there. The tremendous bulk of evidence points in the opposite direction. AND every major psychological authority - NIMH, American Association of Chld and Family Psychiatrists, , American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, American Association of Nurses along with all the states in which these places can't exist (like California) because they operate without the standard rules we have in place to protect children from abuse and protect their basic rights.

Unfortunately, I sign this anonymously because there are educational consultants and people associated with these programs who can be VERY AGGRESSIVE AND INORDINATELY DEFENSIVE when criticized. I have already been harrassed to the degree that I've exposed myself personally. anon

Need info about out-of-state residential treatment programs

July 2004

I am urgently seeking information from parents who've sent their kids to out-of-state therapeutic, emotional growth, character building, residential treatment schools, especially ones run by Aspen Education Group but others like Hyde or CEDU etc.. as well. Good and bad experiences are of intense interest, as well as good and bad experiences searching for appropriate placements, especially with independent ed. consultants. This information is critical to someone's life. Thanks Betty

This is a tough situation. There are a number of schools with excellent reputations, and a number that are run by absolute charlatans, so my advice, having had a very difficult/high-risk behavior teenager, is to hire the services of an educational consultant. It's their business to know which schools are okay and which should be avoided or have had serious problems. It's not cheap, but making the wrong decision about an emotional growth school creates more problems than it solves. I can strongly recommend the services of Elizabeth McGhee at Virginia Reiss Associates in Larkspur (980 Magnolia Drive/Suite 8, Larkspur, CA 94939/phone is 415-461-4788). Anyone in that office would be okay to work with.

Also, if either parent is covered by mental heath insurance, those insurance companies can pay part or all of a therapeutic school's tuition, but you need to get the agreement of your insurance caseworker, and this generally requires getting a letter from the child's therapist in support of getting a child into a facility.

I have personal experience with both Provo Canyon School and Island View School, both of Utah. Both schools are good and are Level-14 lockdown facilities (highly controlled access) with accredited schools (junior high through high school). Provo can handle slightly tougher cases, but I think Island View has a better progam. At Island View, in addition to being responsible for their individual therapy, the kids are all assigned to teams, so their behavior as individuals affects overall team progress. This gives them a peer group to whom they must be responsible, and I think it speeds the process of behavioral growth. Also, Island View teaches a foreign language (Spanish), which Provo Canyon doesn't (or didn't, when my child went there). Island View also has a continuation school (Oakley School) for kids who have completed the therapeutic program, but who wouldn't necessarily do well returning directly home. They also seem to be pretty well connected to other continuation schools in other areas. Their family therapy weekends are much better than what I experienced with Provo Canyon.

In terms of getting a child to an out-of-state school, some kids may cooperate with you taking them there, some may not. If you need to hire people to transport them, again, work with an educational consultant, since horror stories abound. Mine recommeded AGS (Adolescence Guidance Service/phone 877-700-3300). They were very low-key, very quiet and very professional. My husband went on the same plane and followed in a separate car to the school so her could meet with the therapist and treatment team. He was very impressed. Our daughter completed high school and the therapeutic program at Island View. She came home and has been working while waiting to start college, and has stayed out of trouble. She didn't have a meltdown when her dad paased away suddenly, so overall, I think Island View was very successful in its work with her. Anonymous

I am the area director for Northern California for CEDU Schools and would be more than happy to talk with any parents regarding our emotional growth/therapeutic boarding schools. I also encourage you to visit our website at www.cedu.com and please call with any and all questions. There is a solution and my heart goes out to all who are suffering while dealing with the emotional pain of your children. My office number is 831-688-4434 and my cell phone number is 831-234-7364. I will be happy to meet with you or talk with you anytime. Sharon Kyle-Kuhn skk_cedu at yahoo.com
Yesterday we posted an article, Safe Choices for Parents of Troubled Teens http://www.askquestions.org/articles/teens. Members of this Berkeley Parents Network contributed their insights and experiences with our reporters and helped us develop the article, which offers advice for parents dealing with an 'out of control' teenager. Feel free to share the article with anyone you know in that situation. And I'd like to warmly thank the moms who helped us develop this story. Cheryl
I've been doing a lot of research into these schools and would recommend a) in independent ed. consultant (NOT Virginia Reiss), maybe Bodin in S.F. if they work with these types of schools. If not, call and ask them for a referral. The info they have on their website regarding ther. schools is very good. Also, I'll reiterate that you should carefully read the above referenced http://www.askquestions.org/articles/teens/ There are more pieces of the kind on the net. Provo Canyon may have worked for a few kids but disasters stories continue to pour out of that place. Just recently (last few months) Utah (which is known to do almost nothing concerning regulation of these schools) put a permanent injunction on Provo for their abusive, really horribly abusive isolation room, use of forced drugs, their practice of taping kids mouths shut and one other think I can't remember. Also, don't simply trust the ed con. Some of them, no matter how slick, expensive, experienced may not be independent. Also ask if they ''specialize in these schools'' Too often these consultants work with k-12, college, therapeutic programs, they can't do it all. Double check credentials of everyone on staff at these programs that you can, especially psychiatrists and check backgrounds (not necessarily criminal) of directors and head therapists. I'm glad that the who posted parent had a good experience with Provo and Island View with her daughter. I DO wonder though how long it might take for stories to start coming out. Island View is just like so many schools, standard behavior mod program, experienced director but nothing very special. Kids are usually traumatized by Escort Services. I would avoid it if possible. And think and double think and triple think before you sign a contract that allows people you don't know to do pretty much whatever they want to your kid, which many contracts more or less require.

As you can tell, a concerned parent that's seen and heard too much about these places. This is a BUYER BEWARE arena if there ever was one. anon

Dear Parents of Teens readers: Our 14-year-old daughter has been at CEDU Middle School in the San Bernardino mountains for about 9 months. It has been great for her. We think this emotional growth school is excellent. The couple that picked her up at our house and transported her were gentle and wonderful. We'd be happy to share our experiences with others -- just drop us an email.
Sept. 2004

As a parent who recently had to make the agonising decision to send our son to a wilderness program and then on to a therapuetic boarding school, I know how difficult the process can be. At first we kind of went it alone, mostly for financial reasons, but eventually we decided to use the educational consultants, Bodin Associates in Lafayette. Part of what they do is pre-screen wilderness programs and boarding schools, for example, there are hundreds of wilderness programs and they only recommend four. Through Bodin we found a school that is a perfect fit for our son. His school is called Monarch http://monarchschool.com/. It is a coed, creative arts based school, in Montana. They have an organic garden, animals, etc., and most importantly the founders, staff and faculty are incredibly caring, and commited to helping kids get back on track. Their program is very well-conceived and the kids who graduate appear to be doing well. Our son has made enormous strides there and is barely recognisable from the angry, sullen, negative boy who refused to say goodbye to us when we took him there in March. I'm sure the school isn't perfect for everyone but I wanted you to know there are options. If you have additional questions please feel free to contact me. Best wishes, lori

Residential school for teen with emotional problems

November 2002

I am looking for a residential school for my teenaged son who,while very bright, has severe emotional problems. We have exhausted all local options and feel that a therapeutic/residential program may be the best option now. This is not a sudden decision and we would like to be sure that the school we pick will really serve his needs. I noticed that there was some discussion on this topic here a few years ago but I wondered if anyone had more recent experience, particularly whether someone could recommend a school by name, preferably one on or near the West Coast? Also, does anyone know the name of a good counselor who specializes in placing children in residential schools? Anonymous worried mom

For the mom seeking an educational consultant and therapeutic boarding school - I can highly recommend Elizabeth McGhee at Virginia Reiss Associates in Larkspur (415)461-4788. We had a lot of success putting our child into Provo Canyon School in Utah (you can check their website at provocanyon.com & their phone is 801-227-2100). There is a boys' campus in Provo, Utah, and the girl's campus is in Orem. Both are about 45 minutes from Salt Lake City (which is a short flight on Southwest Air Lines out of Oakland). I STRONGLY advise going through a educational counselor rather than trying to make a placement decision on your own, though, because a mismatch on a school can be an expensive disaster, and while you didn't mention your son's age, you can't force children to attend such schools if they are over 18. It can take a while for a child to settle into a placement. There is also a lot of good general information at strugglingteens.com, particularly if you read through the newsletter archive (BTW,you can find educational consultants on their ''Resource'' list). If you or your spouse work for an employer with mental health insurance coverage, you may be able to get some or all of your child's tuition paid. There are therapeutic boarding schools in many states, including California, but qualities of programs vary pretty radically. A closer school might not be the best fit. Good luck to you.
I have worked with two ed consultants and would be happy to discuss my experience. I think it's important to have a good psychological evaluation of your child done before trying to select a placement. Until you know exactly what the issues are it's hard to select a place that can address them. -A mom who's had similar challenges
To the mom looking for a residential school for her teenage son - different children/young men need different schools. This is a difficult situation for the whole family, and it sounds like finding a school that will address his individual needs is cruicial to you. (Welcome to the club!)

I strongly recommend spending the money for an educational consultant. Their services are often a couple of thousand dollars, but considering the other potential expenditures you're facing they are an essential investment as well as being an excellent resource. They should help evaluate your son's situation and try to match them with an appropriate school, and my impression is that they don't recommend someplace unless they're familiar with it's approach and have personally visited the school. The good ones will remain in contact with you during his time there, which helps you understand what's going on.

There are a number of good ones in the bay area, and we used Molly Baron at McClure, Mallory & Baron in San Francisco, who was very helpful. She combined her own evaluation with tests and evaluations from other professionals to help us make the appropriate choices. She also met with us while our son was in the program to help us evaluate his progress and future needs. Good luck to you and your son. anonymous

Advice to person seeking information on a residential school for child that has emotional problems. A friend of mine's son with emotional issues has had great success at the Oakley School outside of Park City Utah--phone 435.783.5001. They used a counselor in Marin County to find this school, Alice Jackson, and unfortunately I do not have her phone number. anonymous
I'm replying to the mom looking for a residential school and/or educational consultant for her son. Several years ago we were seeking a boarding school for our daughter, at her request, and we went to see a very knowledgeable counselor who specialized in boarding schools. This was in the Fall of 1996, and I don't know if he is still around here, but just in case, here is his name and number: Douglas Bodin Bodin & Associates Los Altos, CA (415) 948-8651 Our daughter ended up at Happy Valley School in Ojai, CA. It is a wonderful school; however, I don't know if it is appropriate for your son's needs -- you might want to check it out. Their web site is hvalley.org Good luck in your search. JS
To the anonymous worried Mom looking for boarding schools and/ or ed consultants. We've been down this road very recently and have gotten VERY good help from Bodin Associates in Los Atos. They are profesional and well informed. they also do no take any money from any school. They are also expensive but in my opinion, worth every cent ( and I am not well of by any means). Their phone # is 650-948-8651. They plan to open a Oakland office sometime soon too. As for boarding schools there are many and you need to really look at what your childs particuliar needs and issues are. There is no one answer and a good ed consultant can match your child and a school. I cannot stress this enough. Boarding school is expensive but the wrong boarding school is even more expensive because it may not work. The advertising that some of these schools! i! s polished and often they will tell you they are sure they can meet your needs. If your willing to make the commitment to a boarding school, get good objective advise. I have been extremely happy with the school that Bodin Associates have helped us find. If someone would have told me 8 months ago how happy and well adjusted my daughter would be now, I never would have believed it. Good luck, it is a very hard road to go but it is harder to watch your child lose hope, self-esteem and get into trouble. Another Mom
I agree with the other parents who have recommended evaluations and counseling before selecting a school, but I want to mention a school I haven't seen in the archives.... (See NAWA Academy for the rest of this review.)

Warning about Harsh residential schools

June 2003

Since this newsletter has carried discussions about residential schools in the past, I thought readers might be interested in an article that appeared in the New York Times May 9, 2003.

Here is the abstract; the full article (and it is long) can be purchased from the NY Times - info is on this page:

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/09/international/americas/09MEXI.html 

Parents, Shopping for Discipline, Turn to Harsh Programs Abroad 
  
By TIM WEINER (NYT) 2654 words 
Late Edition - Final , Section A , Page 1 , Column 1 

ABSTRACT - Behavior-modification programs and boarding schools for troubled
youths that have faced legal and licensing challenges in United States are moving
abroad, where they operate largely free of regulation; some are said to employ
minimum-wage custodians more than teachers or therapists; about 2,200 youths
are thought to attend 11 affiliated programs in Mexico, Costa Rica and Jamaica
run by businessmen based in Utah under banner World Wide Assn of Specialty
Programs and Schools; local governments and State Dept officials have
investigated these programs in Mexico, Czech Republic and Samoa on charges of
physical abuse and immigration violations; some have been closed; many parents
and youths say behavior-management system of discipline and punishment scares
youths into sobriety and obedience; others say programs profit from struggling
parents unable to handle their depressed, delinquent, defiant or drug-abusing
children; profit margins and growth within programs appear solid.

Looking for residential schools for out-of-control teenage daughter

April 2000

I am in the process of looking for a boarding school for my out-of-control teenage daughter. I need something that addresses both emotional growth and academic growth. I don't want a lock-down situation, but hopefully something that's isolated enough that it accomplishes the same purpose. Things have gotten continually worse in the last month and her grades have plumetted. Does anyone have any experience with such schools or know a good source of information? (Yes, we've been in counseling each of us individually and also as a family.) Anonymous

I recently did a massive search for residential schools that included a therapeutic/growth model, both in California and out-of-state. A good place to start learning about the options is a website called the Woodbury Report: http://www.strugglingteens.com/ It has schools divided into same sex, co-ed, behavioral/conduct issues, psychiatric and wilderness programs. Keep breathing and Good Luck. Rosa
[The following replies were printed anonymously with the offer to correspond further via the moderator]

I understand someone was looking for boarding schools for out-of-control teens. I've had a recent positive experience and would be happy to talk one-on-one with parents who need assistance in this area.

"Boot camp" for 16 year old who is endangering herself?

April 2000

My best friend has a 16 year old daughter in real trouble. Over the past couple of years she has become increasingly unmanageable. She has developed a drinking problem, become depressed, and become extremely sexually active with adult males. The other night she was found by the police on a remote canyon road with an adult in a very compromising position. This just isn't safe. My friend has tried all the home-based solutions, the girl is in counseling, has had all rights and privileges revoked or monitored. This is just a very painful situation for all concerned.

My question is this. Does anyone have any experience with those "boot camps" you hear about? It is my friends opinion that he needs to get her away from the area and from the friends she has developed and start on a new path. If this child's path isn't changed soon - she will suffer some horrible result. Anonymous

So sorry to hear about that girl's situation. I have a friend whose daughter sounded a lot like the girl you wrote about. She's really in trouble. This girl had similar stuff going on and then she took up with a group of older biker guys in San Francisco. These people essentially whisked her away and sent her to what they refer to as "a convent in Italy". [the mom's a Catholic school teacher] The girl was there a year. Five years out she's living at home, doing well, attending community college. Tell your friends to get that girl the hell out of here. If they're interested in more details about "convent" the newsletter coordinator can contact me. Hopefully someone else on this newsletter knows about someplace closer!
We have close friends who placed their teenaged son in a residential program in Oregon for about 2 years. If the original poster would like, I will try to put her in contact with them.
I'd be happy to talk to you or your friend about this. I have researched some of the residential treatment programs, and found one in Utah that saved my daughter's life. I'd say your friend's daughter needs help fast.
This girl is in crisis, as is her family. She needs to be protected from herself and from her "friends" who encourage this behavior. I haven't any experience with the "boot camps" but it certainly sounds like a necessity in this case. (My teen's situation isn't as dire but I am in the process of nipping similar behaviors in the bud.) I am learning that there are many types of schools with varying degrees of restrictiveness. First, I would suggest that he get a psychiatric diagnosis of his daughter to determine if there are psychological problems. He might also want to do educational/psychological testing. After getting all that, he can start researching the schools (since there are so many out there, hiring an educational consultant might be helpful).

As a parent of an out-of-control teen, I can strongly recommend Tough Love International, a self-help group for parents of teens who have behaviors that cause parents deep concern. This group is simply excellent and the concepts it uses work. I have been attending a local chapter of this group for 5 weeks and have found it a lifesaver. It doesn't provide an instant cure to your problems, but you gradually collect skills and tools which are priceless. See their website at: toughlove.org Good luck!

I just wish to communicate my utmost sympathy to the family of the 16-year old girl. It is extremely painful to see a beloved child go through such turmoil. Foremost, this 16 yr.-old girl needs 24 hour supervision. This may require pulling her from public school into a private school that will work intimately with the parents to oversee her while in school. One of the parents needs to drop her off at school, escort her into the school, pick her up after school, and supervise her 100% of the time outside of school. The whole family needs to get into counseling right away. She most likely also needs individual counseling. Try to get her involved in a youth group (Christian or any other solid group) where she can meet peers who may or may not have gone through similar experiences, and who can relate to her. This is a matter of life and death for her. She will need 100% time and emotional commitment from her parents until she is safely through it all. She most likely was not born with the tendencies to behave in this manner, and a deep exploration of the causes of her behavior is crucial. Best wishes, much love to this young person and her family.
To the person looking for help for an out of control teen: We have friends who sent their son to the Hyde (spelling?) School in Maine. There is an additional campus elsewhere on the East coast. It has been an incredible experience for their son. The school is not a "teen bootcamp." It is a school with firm values around strong academics in a therapeutic environment. This opportunity has really been powerful for both the boy and the family. I just phoned them for information, but the family is currently away at "Family Weekend" at Hyde. Call me and I will get further information and/or put you in touch with the (local Berkeley) family.
I was a bored, gifted 'out of control' teenaged girl nearly 30 years ago: sexually active from 15 (though used effective contraception every time); some tobacco, pot and acid use; much confrontation with parents, especially authoritarian father. Kept my grades up the whole time. My parents' felt desperate, that choices were boarding school, detention center (as 'inccorrigible'), and psychiatric hospital. They chose the latter, and it took me 20 years to get over that decision. Really. I caution you to be very careful about your decision. I've read horrible things about those boot camps.

Is your daughter gifted and bored? Send her to a rigorous single sex boarding school (though boarding school leaves lots of room for drug use and sexual experimentation, too, check it out carefully). If you think your daughter has fundamentally good values at base, try some kind of away summer program, maybe some teen outdoors adventure program (do you want her to behave healthier, or to punish her - something to consider). It will give you a break from each other, which is what I really felt my parents were after (despite all kinds of acting out behavior, it wasn't until I said f-you to my mother that I found myself literally taken off the street and deposited in an old fashioned state psych hospital, ah, the good old days). I think an Outward Bound program would have been good for me (though I may have hated it), boarding school, or even a group home. They went for the thing they could get the fastest.

I do feel it's important to intervene: though I've been successful academically and done lots of interesting things in many countries, I believe I missed some fundamental lessons during adolescence that affect me even still. Just be very careful what you choose; punitive solutions may have repercussions that you all may not recover from. anonymous

Based on the problems you described with your friend's daughter, I myself would have been considered an out of control teenager. Drinking, drug-consumption, various risky/dangerous behavior, sexual and otherwise, were all part of my very "independent" life. Basically I was very bored, very nihilistic and liked experimentation. (Like dropping acid every day for 33 days at noon.... go figure.) I might have differed from your friend's daughter in that I was very self-aware, was very "philosophical" about my behavior, and I was smart/clever enough never to be caught doing anything illegal.

My parents were rather oblivious, and nobody in my immediate family was really pressuring me to change or conform. I did well in school and kept my private life to myself. However, I sensed what was happening was leading to a bad outcome and I decided to save myself....

At age 15, I bought a round-trip ticket to Paris. I had been corresponding with a French pen pal for several years and arranged to stay with him and his family in a small town outside of Paris. Needless to say, the host parents were rather wide-eyed when I walked off the plane in my lipstick, halter and sandals!

During this time, I underwent a rather dramatic transformation. In short, I cleansed and processed my personal history. Being away from my usual destructive environment really changed the way I saw myself. I quit shaving and wearing make-up, for example. I didn't drink hard liquor and quit smoking cigarettes. It's not that I suddenly became straight and narrow. What happened was much subtler: I basically had a chance to collect myself, refine my thinking and make new impressions on myself. I continued to lead a very independent life, perhaps even more so than before, but I was more mature and self-aware about my behavior and the responsibilties and consequences of independence.

The idea of juvenile "boot camp" makes me cringe. A 15 year old person who is making bad judgements needs to find a path that makes sense _according to their own world view_, limited as it may be. Conformity is not a real long-term solution, IMHO. Learning how to take responsibility for one's actions, in terms that are self-generated, seems infinitely more dynamic and effective. Such solutions are the product of a developing conscience, and that seems to be what it's really all about.

Hope this story is of some use. Best wishes, Claire

I'd like to echo Claire's story and thoughts on boot camps (from last week) for wayward teens. I too was in trouble as a teen: depressed, on drugs, drinking, having risky sex with risky men, and very angry about the family and world I saw around me. Being sent to a boot camp wouldn't have made me toe the line; it would have made me crazy with anger and probably would have made it even harder for me to develop a solid foundation. What helped me was having a few insightful adults around (they were rare, as we were in a very rural area), who recognized a few good seeds in my psyche and nurtured them, by telling me I was sensitive, I was smart, I had talents, etc. That set me on the difficult path to breaking free of old habits and friends, developing some goals and focus, and starting to get my life together. Looking back on it now, I don't think of myself as a bad or even out-of-control teen: I think I was a smart, sensitive, lonely kid in a very difficult family and social situation (small town). I see teen-agers who look like "trouble" today and my heart goes out to them.

Susan

The preponderance of responses to this request for advice that seem to be coming from people who see themselves in the picture of this troubled teenager compels me to respond. Obviously, some, in fact many, "out-of-control teens" find a path for themselves that leads them out of danger and, in these cases, on to become parents of teens themselves. These people write telling us passionately how "boot camps" would not have worked for them and may be "inhumane." But I think we should acknowledge that not all despondent, rebellious, self-destructive teens come out of this phase of their lives as well and that those who don't represent voices we are not likely to hear on this e-mail list.

So I will relate the story of my older sister who had three sons (large blended family) who went through very, very difficult periods when they were teens--alcohol, drugs, depression, crime, anti-social behavior, etc. She agonized over the decision that this parent is now agonizing over: should I consider an act that I find repugnant because it may be the only thing that will save my child? In two of the three cases, she ended up concluding that some kind of forced removal from the immediate scene was what the child needed. In one case, the child had to be decieved about what was happening in order to take physical custody of him. It was awful and at least as traumatic for the parents as for the son, who was too stoned to know what was going on. I'll cut to the chase. One of these two boys has ended up just fine. As a result of the program he went completely clean and sober (more than 15 years now), has subsequently married and is a loving and responsible parent. The second also substantially changed his behavior and was pretty much ok for 5 or 6 years, until he had a very tragic run-in with a firearm and is now in prison. Interestingly, after he completed the "boot camp" program, not only was he not angry with his parents, but rather he thanked them for caring enough to do such a difficult thing. Just to complete the tale, I will say that the third troubled son, who did not go into a program, came out OK as well; that her two other children never got into any trouble whatsoever and went to college, pursued careers, and had families as she had expected all five would; and that the entire family has been very close and supportive of one another, despite their very different paths, for many years.

There are two points here. One is that it is very, very difficult to understand why children get derailed or what pulls them out of it. The second is that horrific as these "boot camps" may seem to some of us, we need to remember that they are probably right for some kids. In this case, I believe they saved one kid and helped another. I would implore this heartbroken mother to listen, listen, listen to her child and her heart.

A few years ago I faced the decision of what to do with my very much out of control teen aged daughter (who up until 10th grade was a straight A student). I took her to a "theraputic community" out of the country. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my whole entire life. The desicion was agony, but I was sure my daughter's life was in danger. After I left her there I went through her things and found her beautiful down jacket full of cement glue. It also had a tear in the back from where someone tried to knife her. During a visit as we were lying in the dark falling asleep she said to me "mom, I've had guns put to my head and knives to my throat...you probably saved my life".

I've had doubts. I'll never be totally sure if I did the right thing if I should have kept her here and let her work things out. She was angry at me after she left the place for a while and her life has not been easy and clear cut since, though not bad like it was before. I do know one thing though. She's alive to make it better.

Anonymous

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