• Hostile, unmotivated 17-y-o refuses therapy. Help for parents?
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Hostile, unmotivated 17-y-o refuses therapy. Help for parents?

I've been over the prior recommendations in detail, and don't really see our situation reflected. We (parents) would like to see a therapist to talk about our issues with our son. We have a 17-1/2 year old boy who: has had similar difficult issues since he was very young (didn't start as a teen) We have set limits 15-25 times a day since he was a year old; he has steadfastly refused to talk with and/or see a therapist, and no, there is no way we can make him, we've tried very hard over the years--we have seen several in the past overselves re addressing his issues; is adopted; blames everyone but himself for every aspect of what doesn't work for him; insists he has ''no interests'' other than video games, hanging with friends, his girlfriend; has never seemed to want to grow up to the next stage of life, and doesn't now (in any manner other than sex, alcohol and drugs); alcohol and drugs are not the problem, all the issues were already there before he ever had any--but they don't make it any easier to fix; ''shuts down'' bigtime when almost anyone tries to talk with him about problems; attends school sporadically and is nowhere near a high school degree (has failed the CHSPE 5 times); says he'd get up on time for a paying job in an instant-- but has never applied for one, recently agreed to get tested for learning issues after fighting it for years, but is only sporadically showing up for testing appointments and is leaving before the tests are done, etc. etc.

A couple of years ago, we concluded that we were devoting most of the family's time and emotional resources on a daily basis just to ''control'' him--and decided to back off, set boundaries that could protect the rest of the family, and put our time elsewhere--such as into our other child and into our own lives, and hope that maturity would click in at some point. We also concluded that--even if it would not bankrupt us and take the $ needed by our other child (who has lots of learning issues)--that an involuntary residential placement would probably not ''work,'' and have not changed our minds about this--again, these are lifelong issues, and his strongest defense mechanism is to totally and hostilely shut down--it was not just an issue of getting him away from ''bad friends''--in fact, his current friends aren't bad at all, he watches one after another go off to art college, get straight As, get a half time job at a lab and start college at 15, etc.--they hang out with him AND get other things done--he just plays video games when none of them are around.

Over the past several years, we have wished many times that there was a community-based solution (vs. kidnapping to Utah)that might take him out of our home for a few months and give him the beginning of the therapy he clearly needs, but every time we have looked into the foster-care alternatives, we've shuddered and discarded this.

So--we are looking for a therapist that will help us set better boundaries--we are really struggling with the balance between setting acceptable ones for us and being overwhelmed by the level of enforcement needed--with his level of hostility (his very expressive and enthusiastic level of affection until age 13 or so really kept us going despite everything), with our level of frustration--with the fact that he is getting older and things are not seeming to get better......

Our insurance is Kaiser, and we are going to be considering going to the Child and Family Psychiatry Department, but we will pay privately for someone who has experience with these issues and might be able to help us better! Thanks for any suggestions.

My heart goes out to you and your family, as I read through your concerns I couldn't help but relate. You have 6 months before he turns 18 and, at least theoretically, can do whatever he wants then. So you might be feeling like there's nothing more you can do for him. I know you said he refuses therapy, but he did finally agree to testing, so that's something. Kaiser has a teen group that meets, maybe he would find that more acceptable? anon

My only suggestion, short of insisting that he attend family therapy, get a job or move out, would be to send him to ''BRAT CAMP.'' But since this has fallen off of your list, and you are aware that you can't make him see a therapist, it sounds like he's got all of the balls in his court and you've got none. It may be time for Tough love.

When I was doing my graduate studies, I had a friend who was in undergrad who was adopted from an early age. She began to rebel from the time she was 10, which was when she was told she had been adopted. She did everything that her holy rolling parents told her not to. At first, I could not be sure if she had just been told too early or too late, and figured out that it was in fact, too late. She was just figuring out who she wanted to be, how she fit in with friends and then was hit with the idea that she -in her mind- did not belong. If told too late in life, children start to feel as if they have been lied to their whole lives, not only up to the time you inform them, but every piece of advice or statement of care and concern can also be viewed as a lie... you ''lied'' before, what makes them think you aren't lying now.

My advice, with some professional assistance, would be to sit him down - if he has plans with friends/girl friend, call them or get on the phone when he is on it to let them know that he will be a little late due to a family meeting. Inform him of your plight to want to be able to hug him and tell him how much you love him, or simply want to talk to him and have him talk to you. State that you think you have tried everything short of sending him away and can't think of anything more to do except to let him go, if that is what he wants. Have some information about his bio-parents handy and inform him that you have found their info in the event that he feels these other people can get him to care more about the rest of his life.

Reiterate, again and again how much you love and care for him and want to see his succeed in life, but also let him know that you feel as if you have done all that you can. State that, if he feels like he no longer wants to be a part of your family -informing of what being a part means to you, talking, spending time, going on vacations, getting a job if he is not going to try harder in school - then infrom him that you are ready to let him go. This could mean, asking him move out when he turns 18, if he is not enrolled in college or some Community college courses, and/or working a full time job, giving back the car (if you gave him one) unless he can pay insurance and car note. He must be told that you are doing this because you love him and want to do what is best for him, but can't do what he feels is best without his input, and if he won't talk to the people who loved and raised him, and won't talk to a professional, then this is all that is left to do. Since he most likely will not want to be in that room for too long, set down the information about his bio-parents if you have any, along with the classifies ads for housing and employment, tell him you love him and leave the room. You don't want to give him a chance to explode so be brief. Apparently, he feels like he doesn't belong, or just doesn't want to, because he feels rejected by his bio- parents. It is tantamount that you let him know that he not being rejected, rather, loved and cared about.

So, with the list of what he would need to do when he turned 18, let him know what the alternatives are: continuing to live there with you, working harder in school, completing testing for LD's, getting a part time job, going to therapy either by him self or with you all, and abiding by your house rules, oh, and getting/giving lots of love. Always end with the option you want him to choose or the one that will be more positive. Tough love is always hard. Just think about what you would have to do if he were an addict. His behavior effects you all and in his mind, he is just doing what he feels he needs to, to survive. Push every adult away, because he feels he's not good enough. One set of adults didn't want him, it's up to you to reiterate that you do want him and love him, because although not related by blood, he is your son and always will be. Well that's my advice. Good Luck. Stay strong. Xandrea

When we had an 8-year-old frightening us with suicide threats, we saw Kate Mountain at Kaiser -- she is more low key, more of a traditional listening therapist. We liked her as well, and got what we needed out of our sessions, but she was out on maternity leave when we wanted to come back with a teen. I believe she's back now.

The main premise of the consequences in this program is what they call a T.E.A.S.P.O.T. (which stands for: Take Everything Away for a Short Period Of Time). So instead of being on phone restriction, or having to go to bed early, we would take EVERYTHING away for a 1/2 hour, or an hour, or a day or two days for something extreme. She put this to the test the first weekend after we went to the class, (ran away from her friends house when she was having a sleep over!!). We put her on a TEASPOT for 2 days, and the impact of those two days doing NOTHING (we took almost everything out of her room) had more impact then having the phone taken away for a whole month, or being on house restriction for 2 weeks had done in the past.

I highly recommend this class. There were quite a few parents who were having extreme issues w/ their kids, and being able to share w/ others and get feedback from other parents gave us a lot of support & perspective on what we were going through. Once you determine the things that your kids are attached to, CD players, TV's, cell phones, going out etc... and take it all away, they really do start to get it... If you live in my house, these are the rules and these are the consequences. Takes a lot of the drama away when you have it all written down and talked about in advance.

The material they presented in the class and the teacher were all very helpful. We are still using the TEASPOT when we need to, but don't have to hardly ever these days. Our daughter is now in 9th grade and is doing great. She still has a smart mouth, and pushes the limits on some stuff, but so far this year, things have been going really great. Best of luck to you & your family!!! Gina