16 yr old son does not socialize out of school

My 16 yr old son has a similar issue to the previous post about the 13 yr old who only wants to use computer, ipod. My son seems slightly obsessive when it comes to his online computer (dungeons and dragon type) games.

Playing the games is fine of course in moderation, but he never calls or contacts any other kids. Not even the ones that he socializes with at school. He gets very excited when his sister or cousin come over with their friends and talks with them. So it is clear to me that he wants social outlets.

I don't know if he doesn't realize his own need to socialize, and that's why he doesn't call anyone, or he has some sort of fear of doing so. I am hoping it is a phase that will pass, but I am trying to help him socialize more because I think it will make him more happy. Has anyone had any luck helping their child socialize with other kids outside of school? Matthew

I have arranged for him to apprentice at a friend's coffee shop a few days a week this summer. He will collect tips, but not a salary since she is desperately trying to survive this recession and he has no job experience. I would encourage you to perhaps dig into your community for something similar. If nothing else he would be gaining some real world job experience and have less time available with his gaming.

I hope this helps. It would also be interesting to start a social group for these boys... perhaps their interest in gaming would be the commonality that would allow them to venture into the world of other activities... even eating a pizza out together once a week would be fine. I guess we can be thankful it's not a substance abuse thing, but it is an addiction... so something needs to change.

I look forward to hearing about other parents struggling with this situation too.

13-year-old only interested in computer, ipod & programming

My son does not want to go swimming, ride the train, go to Tilden, see parades, have barbecues or do anything except eat, sleep and use electronic devices. He quit his martial arts class (he was doing so well & enjoying it) and refuses to go to any summer camp unless it's tech camp (we got one week in July, only). I dread the long summer, with him stuck in the house all day staring at screens. I have to plead with him to get him go to Tilden to swim on hot day. We have therapy but few visits (2 per month max). I hide I-pod as punishment for bad behavior, but eventually give it back. Once, after i hid it, a loud alarm went off (he had it programmed), so he found it! We don't have TV, as i consider it a bad habit, but this is just about as bad, except at least he has to think while programming java, etc. I need computer for many things, so can't give it up. He has a few friends but they seem always busy on weekends. I'm reading Motivation Breakthrough by R. Lavoie, but it doesn't seem to pertain to him. He's a good student, does most of his homework & usually gets high grades. He just doesn't have a social life, and he is making it worse by refusing to go out.

From what you've written, I don't detect anything unhealthy/abnormal in your son's behavior. I was a reclusive nerd at 13 (but with model airplanes and Dungeons & Dragons - no computers back then!) but by the time I was a senior in high school I was ''normally social'' and went on to a good college/career. Your son sounds like the modern version: a real computer geek :) These kids can grow into very creative and successful people (ever hear of Steve Wozniak?). Consider buying him an iPod touch and a book on Objective C, as a reward for some chores or something, so he can start writing his own applications for the iPod and iPhone. A not insignificant number of people have made large amounts of money by writing moderately popular apps for the iPhone. Picture a self-financed degree in computer science from Stanford.

If he's good at what he does and he likes it, then that's a happy life, let him be. If he seems unhappy even when you're not bugging him to go swimming, and his grades are dropping then that's a different story. Signed, Nerd-at-13

How to re-start freshman daughter's social life?

My daughter had a pretty rough end to her freshman year in high school and is feeling pretty disconnected socially. She's having a good summer with time to regroup, but she's feeling anxious about going back to school. Her school is pretty small so the social group isn't huge, but I think things can be better. We've talked about how she'll have different people in her classes, can join new clubs and can restart her social life. She's still skeptical. I know if she goes in expecting the worst, that's exactly what she'll get. Any thoughts on how I can ''hypnotize'' her to be open to having a better year socially, and being more active in making things better for herself? (Academically she's fine.) I hoping she'll be able to avoid falling into an old pattern and not having the fun she could have. Any ideas how I can help her? Thanks! Need a Do Over

14-y-o has no social life, mostly TV & video games

My 14 year old son is driving me and everyone else in our household crazy. He has always struggled in school and as he has gotten older has less and less of a social life (like, none). He has friends at school but will not make the effort to get any of their phone numbers or seek them out on the weekends. He is mostly interested in TV and video games and not at all interested in anything physical.

We have tried several therapists, anti- depressants (Prozac), changing schools, etc, all to no avail. We have also tried a wide variety of sports and other activities but he either refuses or loses interest. Getting rid of electronics hasn't been an option because we have other kids for whom this is not a problem. He has no behavioral problems, loves animals and can be quite profound. He can also be incredibly immature and selfish. Last night ended up with yelling and hurt feelings because he did not want to watch a movie with the rest of the family but insisted on coming in several times to ask what was going on and to make comments. He also had a coughing fit (getting over a cold) and threw up on the floor and then flipped out when told to clean it up (''I don't know how!'').

These are examples of ongoing problems. He has lots of eating issues (won't try anything new, won't eat family staples like spaghetti, beans, mac n' cheese - I mean really benign stuff) so mealtime is often very unpleasant. I am worried about his future. He is entering high school next year and I am dreading it. He is getting fat from diet and lack of physical activity. Lack of a social life is not a good thing. Really, really what this kid needs is to be in an environment with NO electronic stimulation and LOTS of outdoor stimulation. He needs to develop independence and self confidence. I've searched the internet for teen wilderness challenges and some look promising (and hella expensive!). One of his therapists strongly reccommended NOLS but the kid refuses to go. And this is one stubborn kid.

Sorry to go on and on. Any advice on how to motivate this kid who just doesn't want to grow the heck up? sad and frustrated

I have another friend who says to her son, ''You're doing this, this, and this over the summer because it's not healthy for you to be hanging around the house non- stop.'' ''This'' and ''this'' might be stuff he already had planned, and the mandated things might be some choices, like spending a week at grandparents, choosing between camp A and B, maybe some small paying job - varying stuff over the summer so there's no more than 7-10 days of sitting around at one stretch. During the school year, they have mandated some sport or non-competitive physical class - he likes that anyway, but they'd probably do it regardless, citing the same reasons.

Could you come up with a time limit on electronics that would accommodate your other kids' needs? Hard to enforce, but I don't think there's anything wrong with him at least knowing where you stand on that issue. Good luck! Anon

I suggest you explore the possibility that he has Asperger's syndrome or high-functioning autism, and, if not yet done, get an assessment (for IEP) through your school. You might take a look at Orion Academy in Moraga (a Non-Public School, WASC-accredited) as a possible HS for him, since their mission is pro-social education and college prep for students with high functioning autism and related conditions.

Our son went there for 2 years and benefited greatly. For the first time since grade 1 he made friends, had a peer group, and got happy and successful enough to enter UCSC. parent of a son with similar behavior at 14

We told him he needed to go to summer school. We ended up sending him to the Hyde School Summer challenge program, in Bath Maine, which was not really a ''summer school.'' It was helpful. The Summer Challenge program, 5 weeks long, is a way for all parties to get to know the Hyde School and each other. In the middle of the Summer Challenge program, my son said he thought that maybe he should go to high school there.

He did end up going to high school there. In fact, he went for all 4 years. It really worked for him and for us. I can't say it works for everyone. It's not perfect. It's alot of money. But it helped all of us - enormously. All kids have to do sports, all year. This was huge and fabulous. We got him out of an environment we could not control. We made it through, one year at a time. Eight years later, this June, he's graduating from a UC.

You should check out the Parenting Teens Workshop the Hyde School is having on May 6 (which someone just posted) or any other events that they are likely to have around that time/weekend.

It may not be right for you or your family but it's certainly worth investigating. karosel

Somewhat isolated 16 year old

Can anyone suggest a social skills group for teenaged boys? My 16 year old has had good friends most of his childhood, but is going through a rather lonely phase now, partly because he is somewhat immature socially (although bright, intense, talented) anon

I can't answer your question directly. In our house, we try to encourage consideration and empathy (''Try asking people about themselves-- think of how you would feel in their shoes-- how do you think that makes them feel?'') and basic body language (like smiles & frequent eye contact) and frankly it doesn't seem to change some of the self- defeating behavior. Encourage him to pursue his own interests and also to pursue new things (music?). School clubs and physical activities are often a good thing. Non- school stuff may be better. good luck

Sophomore daughter doesn't have a social life

My daughter is a sophmore in high school and is very shy. She doesn't seem to have any social life at school or at home. It is hard to carry on a single conversation with her. You just get one syllable replies. She spends most of the time reading books or watching tv. It would be ok if I thought she was happy being the way she is, but I suspect she has a hard time making friends and is very miserable. I tried to get her to go out more, take classes and join clubs, but she doesn't want to. And, it's not that she is overweight or unattractive. I don't know how to help her. Can anyone please give me some advice?

Very Worried Parent

Concerned

anonymous

[editor note] there are past discussions about selective mutism here: http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/health/selectivemutism.html

Since we have really taken it seriously and have acted on helping him he has been admitting his struggles and seems to be moving in a more positive direction. He just got into the school play and has been making some social plans. So I really beleive getting help for you daughter is something to consider seriously. It is difficult for them to meet this challenge alone, and difficult to watch them isolate themselves more and more. All the best A sympathetic mom

High school is a tough scene that some of us aren't prepared at that age to deal with. But fortunately, there is life after high school. Lots of us who don't fit in then go on to have happy lives and good relationships. Spending a lot of time reading is not a bad thing! I did end high school very depressed (which went unrecognized by my family) and I do think therapy would have been a good thing for me. But the goal should be making sure the child feels good about themself, not that they become more social. Feeling that their parents love and accept them as they are is essential to a child's sense of self-esteem. Making a child believe that they have to fit in, or that their worth is measured by the number of friends they have, does exactly the opposite. If they can end adolescence feeling good about themselves and loved by their family, they will be alright.

Shy Teen Grown Up

Freshman son having a hard time fitting in

My son is having a hard time adjusting to high school. He's a freshman and can't find a social group to fit in with. Does anyone know of a downhill biking group or rock climbing group for teens? We know about summer camps. We're looking for a group that meets on weekends that would give him social opportunities outside of high school.