Berkeley Parents Network: Non-Social Teens

Berkeley Parents Network

Non-Social Teens

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Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Teenagers > Non-Social Teens

14-y-o has no social life, mostly TV & video games

April 2007

My 14 year old son is driving me and everyone else in our household crazy. He has always struggled in school and as he has gotten older has less and less of a social life (like, none). He has friends at school but will not make the effort to get any of their phone numbers or seek them out on the weekends. He is mostly interested in TV and video games and not at all interested in anything physical.

We have tried several therapists, anti- depressants (Prozac), changing schools, etc, all to no avail. We have also tried a wide variety of sports and other activities but he either refuses or loses interest. Getting rid of electronics hasn't been an option because we have other kids for whom this is not a problem. He has no behavioral problems, loves animals and can be quite profound. He can also be incredibly immature and selfish. Last night ended up with yelling and hurt feelings because he did not want to watch a movie with the rest of the family but insisted on coming in several times to ask what was going on and to make comments. He also had a coughing fit (getting over a cold) and threw up on the floor and then flipped out when told to clean it up (''I don't know how!'').

These are examples of ongoing problems. He has lots of eating issues (won't try anything new, won't eat family staples like spaghetti, beans, mac n' cheese - I mean really benign stuff) so mealtime is often very unpleasant. I am worried about his future. He is entering high school next year and I am dreading it. He is getting fat from diet and lack of physical activity. Lack of a social life is not a good thing. Really, really what this kid needs is to be in an environment with NO electronic stimulation and LOTS of outdoor stimulation. He needs to develop independence and self confidence. I've searched the internet for teen wilderness challenges and some look promising (and hella expensive!). One of his therapists strongly reccommended NOLS but the kid refuses to go. And this is one stubborn kid.

Sorry to go on and on. Any advice on how to motivate this kid who just doesn't want to grow the heck up? sad and frustrated

One thing crossed my mind was maybe going on an extended family camping trip this summer somewhere remote. Or maybe just him and one parent so he would really have to pull his weight. Or would he be interested in working at a stable or a farm with animals? Just brainstorming here, I can't think of a place, but it sounds like it might be a good thing for him. If he can get involved with something that interests him, like animals, maybe it would open his mind to other things a little. He could also volunteer this summer at the animal shelters or rescue places around the bay area. They like people to walk the dogs or pet the cats. My daughter went to the Milo Foundation when it was Solano, they moved, don't know where. Really, good luck. anon

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Sounds a bit like my son - sometimes just plain lazy, though I love him to death. This is non-PC, BUT since initiative/motivation is the thing he won't do, pull rank and make it not a choice. Or a choice between Wilderness Experience A and B. Explain why briefly then let him be mad at you. I only say this because after that type of experience, the more relaxed, upbeat personality comes through and who cares that you made him do it.

I have another friend who says to her son, ''You're doing this, this, and this over the summer because it's not healthy for you to be hanging around the house non- stop.'' ''This'' and ''this'' might be stuff he already had planned, and the mandated things might be some choices, like spending a week at grandparents, choosing between camp A and B, maybe some small paying job - varying stuff over the summer so there's no more than 7-10 days of sitting around at one stretch. During the school year, they have mandated some sport or non-competitive physical class - he likes that anyway, but they'd probably do it regardless, citing the same reasons.

Could you come up with a time limit on electronics that would accommodate your other kids' needs? Hard to enforce, but I don't think there's anything wrong with him at least knowing where you stand on that issue. Good luck! Anon

Your son may be on the autistic spectrum, with what the pro's might call co-morbid depression.

I suggest you explore the possibility that he has Asperger's syndrome or high-functioning autism, and, if not yet done, get an assessment (for IEP) through your school. You might take a look at Orion Academy in Moraga (a Non-Public School, WASC-accredited) as a possible HS for him, since their mission is pro-social education and college prep for students with high functioning autism and related conditions.

Our son went there for 2 years and benefited greatly. For the first time since grade 1 he made friends, had a peer group, and got happy and successful enough to enter UCSC. parent of a son with similar behavior at 14

Hi, I am not a psychologist but your son sounds a lot like my kid and he's been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I think it is really important that you take your son to be evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Then you will learn more about why he thinks and acts the way he does. You can get some information online from sites like www.maapservices.org or wrongplanet.net, and see if the descriptions fit your son. For example, my son has difficulty watching movies because the sound bothers him, but he is still interested in what the story is, so I spend a lot of time pausing the movie and explaining what's going on. Of course, that would be much more difficult in a family with several kids. Even if your son doesn't have a diagnosis, I would strongly urge you to accept your kid as he is and not try to force him into activities in order to ''cure'' him. I have learned to respect my son's differences and have worked hard to get him the support he needs for the things he's weak in. Your son may be more receptive to help if you are willing to negotitate with him instead of demanding compliance. This means honestly trying to accept his viewpoint, even if that is really difficult. My son has driven me crazy over the years too, but he knows that I respect him and in turn he's been much more respectful of what I've asked of him. Fighting with him doesn't work because he is extremely stubborn, although that stubbornness has led to a fierce sense of independence, which he will need in the future. I wish you well and hope you find the support you need for yourself and your kid. Nancy

I really feel for you and your son, and I know there are not any easy solutions. However, I just wanted to comment on one thing you mentioned in your posting: ''One of his therapists strongly recommended NOLS but the kid refuses to go.'' I am a graduate of NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School). NOLS is specifically *not* a place for a troubled teen. Instead, it is a place for (in their words) ''highly motivated students''. It is an outdoor wilderness skills and leadership development program. Teens can attend, but it is very important that they want to be there and participate willingly, or they could jeopardize the safety of the rest of the group. NOLS is intended for the type of person who reads their catalog and *begs* their parents to send them to NOLS! - NOLS Wind River Wilderness graduate

Before considering any teen wilderness program read ''Help At Any Cost'' by Maia Szalavitz. Not that they are all bad, but some of them are deadly. lizo

Eight years ago we were in about the same situation as you with our son who was just passing 8th grade (with D's) and was about to merge with his bed and his screen activities. Us parents were going mad/crazy. Our other children were getting inadequate attention and parenting. If it persisted, our family would completely fall apart; we would likely end up divorced.

We told him he needed to go to summer school. We ended up sending him to the Hyde School Summer challenge program, in Bath Maine, which was not really a ''summer school.'' It was helpful. The Summer Challenge program, 5 weeks long, is a way for all parties to get to know the Hyde School and each other. In the middle of the Summer Challenge program, my son said he thought that maybe he should go to high school there.

He did end up going to high school there. In fact, he went for all 4 years. It really worked for him and for us. I can't say it works for everyone. It's not perfect. It's alot of money. But it helped all of us - enormously. All kids have to do sports, all year. This was huge and fabulous. We got him out of an environment we could not control. We made it through, one year at a time. Eight years later, this June, he's graduating from a UC.

You should check out the Parenting Teens Workshop the Hyde School is having on May 6 (which someone just posted) or any other events that they are likely to have around that time/weekend.

It may not be right for you or your family but it's certainly worth investigating. karosel

Sounds like a typical asperger teen. A great resource to start is the OASIS website (on-line asperger syndrome information and support). They have a ''Raising Teens and Young Adults With AS Support Forum'' as well as general information you will need to get familiar with. brad

Somewhat isolated 16 year old

May 2006

Can anyone suggest a social skills group for teenaged boys? My 16 year old has had good friends most of his childhood, but is going through a rather lonely phase now, partly because he is somewhat immature socially (although bright, intense, talented) anon

Your son may be suffering from a lack of stimulation. See if you can determine an endeavor that interests him (science, gardening, sports, artistic pursuits) and then try to get him involved in a group (or summer camp, etc.) which specializes in those areas in which he is interested. ''Lonely phases'' are often associated with boredom. Robert

Hi-- Your son sounds like the kind of person who will suffer in high school and blossom in college where his intensity and intelligence will be an asset. People with high IQs often have a harder time with social skills.

I can't answer your question directly. In our house, we try to encourage consideration and empathy (''Try asking people about themselves-- think of how you would feel in their shoes-- how do you think that makes them feel?'') and basic body language (like smiles & frequent eye contact) and frankly it doesn't seem to change some of the self- defeating behavior. Encourage him to pursue his own interests and also to pursue new things (music?). School clubs and physical activities are often a good thing. Non- school stuff may be better. good luck

Sophomore daughter doesn't have a social life

September 2003

My daughter is a sophmore in high school and is very shy. She doesn't seem to have any social life at school or at home. It is hard to carry on a single conversation with her. You just get one syllable replies. She spends most of the time reading books or watching tv. It would be ok if I thought she was happy being the way she is, but I suspect she has a hard time making friends and is very miserable. I tried to get her to go out more, take classes and join clubs, but she doesn't want to. And, it's not that she is overweight or unattractive. I don't know how to help her. Can anyone please give me some advice?

Very Worried Parent

You can really help your daughter by setting an example and showing her how to reach out to people by reaching out yourself. Reach out to parents of her classmates (if you aren't already doing so) and try to establish some connection that may help your daughter to make relationship connections. Invite a family with a child in her class over for dinner, or invite their child to come along on an outting with your family, and get acquainted. Our generation has gotten away from entertaining in the home, and it shows in our children. I have some very strong ties still to people who I grew up with because my parents entertained more in the home. It teaches our children so much about engaging with other people on a social level. Good luck!

Concerned

My daughter is in the 5th grade and is having an extremely difficult time socializing with others in her school. Like your daughter she likes to read and be by herself a lot. She rarely speak in school nor does she plays with her children during recess. When we are out in public, she would whisper instead of talking in normal voice. She covers her face with her hair. I brought her for counseling but it did not seem help at all. I read up a lot on ''shyness'' and discovered something call selective mutism. When a person is extremely shy, they may develop social anxiety which can cripple his/her ability to socialize with others. There is a lot on the Internet about selective mutism (something a lot of people labled as shyness)and how to help your child deals with it. I feel for you and as a mother understand what you are going through. I hope that you can find help for her and good luck to you and your daugther!

anonymous

[editor note] there are past discussions about selective mutism here: http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/health/selectivemutism.html

I completely understand your feelings of worry. I have a 10th grade boy who also has difficulty socializing and has very little social life outside of school. He has never had a close friend. My husband and I have been pushing him to get involved with clubs and plays etc and always meet with resistance. I have been worried about his lack of social skills for a long time and this past year finally took action. I read up on non verbal learning disorders and aspergers syndrome which are possibilites for you to look into. I've ruled them out but was glad to understand them. I found a therapist in Berkeley named Katherine McCarthy 649-3399 who runs social skills groups for adolecents. He is on a list for a group. He has begun therapy with a wonderful therapist named Lenny Levitz in Berkeley.

Since we have really taken it seriously and have acted on helping him he has been admitting his struggles and seems to be moving in a more positive direction. He just got into the school play and has been making some social plans. So I really beleive getting help for you daughter is something to consider seriously. It is difficult for them to meet this challenge alone, and difficult to watch them isolate themselves more and more. All the best A sympathetic mom

To parents of non-social teenagers--please be careful that your well-meaning efforts to make your child happier don't end up making the situation worse and undermining their self-esteem further. As a former non-social teen myself, I've been there. A teen's own peer group already sends a clear message that popularity is important, they don't need more pressure from their parents. My parents urged me to continue in band, join clubs, etc., etc. The message I internalized was that I was disappointing them, that I was a failure and that I was destined for an unhappy life.

High school is a tough scene that some of us aren't prepared at that age to deal with. But fortunately, there is life after high school. Lots of us who don't fit in then go on to have happy lives and good relationships. Spending a lot of time reading is not a bad thing! I did end high school very depressed (which went unrecognized by my family) and I do think therapy would have been a good thing for me. But the goal should be making sure the child feels good about themself, not that they become more social. Feeling that their parents love and accept them as they are is essential to a child's sense of self-esteem. Making a child believe that they have to fit in, or that their worth is measured by the number of friends they have, does exactly the opposite. If they can end adolescence feeling good about themselves and loved by their family, they will be alright.

Shy Teen Grown Up

Freshman son having a hard time fitting in

October 2000

My son is having a hard time adjusting to high school. He's a freshman and can't find a social group to fit in with. Does anyone know of a downhill biking group or rock climbing group for teens? We know about summer camps. We're looking for a group that meets on weekends that would give him social opportunities outside of high school.

To the parent looking for social activities for a freshman son ... you didn't say where he goes to school ... I am only familiar with Berkeley High, but if that's where he is, there should be at least one student-sponsored club that appeals to him. The variety is unbelievable. Has he checked into that? Another really good way to get hooked into a peer group is to sign up for an athletic team. Again, I don't know if he's at BHS, but he might like to try one of the teams - this has been very rewarding for a kid of mine. Check out some of the more offbeat sports like golf, crew, lacrosse, water polo -- often they don't have try-outs or they will take anyone who's interested. Less traditional sports seem to attract many kids who have not played the sport before, or any other sport, and are just coming to the game as freshmen, so now's a good time for him to try something new because he will be in the company of learners. In terms of afterschool groups, if he takes a weekend or evening class he will meet other kids who like the things he does. Rock climbing classes can be found at Cal Adventures and Berkeley Iron Works. Most bike stores should be able to point him to weekend riding groups. Lastly, I think you should also consider the possibility that he prefers his own company, and enjoys solitary activities more than being in a group. One of my kids is like this, as am I. Nothing wrong with that and it might be counterproductive to push him into a social activity that he doesn't want or enjoy.

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