Berkeley Parents Network: Moving with Teens

Berkeley Parents Network

Moving with Teens

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Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Teenagers > Moving with Teens

2 teenage sons and a move back East
13-year-old and unexpected move across the country

2 teenage sons and a move back East

April 2007

For many years my husband and I have discussed moving back to the East Coast to live closer to family. It has taken a while to work it out so that he can remain with his company. We finally have that piece worked out, but the problem is we have 2 teenage sons. Our oldest will be in 10th grade in the fall and the youngest an 8th grader. California is the only home they have ever had, but they do love hanging out with their cousins and grandparents on the East Coast. While I have always wanted this move, I am suddenly very apprehensive, especially for my older boy. Can anyone shed who has either experienced this themselves as a teen or who has moved teens far away shed some light on their experience? I would greatly appreciated any words of wisdom. Thanks. marti

My family moved me from California to the Suburbs of New York when I was 13. It was very traumatic. It might be easier for boys and yours are a little older so it might be fine but it was very difficult for me. The East Coast is VERY different than the West Coast and making new friends in High School when cliques are already formed can be tricky. It was freeing in some ways because I could reinvent myself but I also lost the grounding history I had and had to quickly learn to navigate a whole new culture and social structure at a time when I was still learning who I was. I also did not want to move and hated the freezing winters so if your boys are on board it might go more smoothly. I definately blamed my parents for several years. Wouldn't move my teens

Many centuries ago (1968, to be precise), my parents moved from the Bay Area to a town that shall remain nameless (okay, it was Winnetka, Illinois) in the summer before I started my junior year in high school. It was probably the worst year in my life, even though (we had been a military family until 1964) I had been used to frequent moves/new schools/etc. During that year, I would have given ANYTHING not to have moved. In retrospect, it probably made me stronger (although also, some might say, emotionally distant) but ... IMHO, what you should look at is how similar or different the area you would be moving to is compared to where you are now. In 1968, suburban Chicago and the Bay Area were different worlds. Here, we had Mario Savio and the Free Speech movement at UC; there, I was ostracized on day one for the horrible faux pax of wearing white cotton socks. Really! As you can probably tell, it still rankles. Maybe nowadays the differences aren't as great, but if you're blue state folks moving red state, it could still be challenging. Of course, if you're talking about moving to Boston or Providence or something like that, it might be no problem -- and, if you're moving to the same town as the cousins you mention, it would certainly help to have built-in connections rather than being a complete stranger. I guess one other thing I would mention is the difficulty a young man can have getting to know girls in a new town. That, I expect, has not changed over the years. I would ask your older boy (and the younger one too) exactly how they feel about the move. Not to say they should have a veto power, but they should be willing participants and not conscripts.

In response to the mother who was considering the effect that moving her teens across the US to the East Coast, I would have written earlier, but we have so much to do out here in the East that I have been very busy. We moved almost 2 years ago from Berkeley to Frederick, Md ( 45 minutes Northwest of Washington DC ) because Bechtel Corporation moved their last remaining divisions out of San Francisco to join other previously displaced divisions.

Having never considered leaving my family in California or wanting to relocate to the East Coast, the move was a difficult choice. Our two oldest children are in college and working, so didn't even consider leaving California. BUT--- the people are friendly here, with a good mix of liberal and conservative, rural and urban, churched and non churched. The country side is breathtaking, and spring and fall have new meanings here. We did however have to make a few modifications in our lifestyle to feel comfortable here. We bought a house in the country surrounded by farms which gives us a 10 minute commute to work. My son goes to a great public high school. We joined a church in Washington DC that was recommended by our Berkeley friends, and that means that each week in DC after church we can choose a gallery in a Smithsonian Museum or one monument to vist at a leisurely pace. We can drop into the National Zoo or walk the National Mall. One Sunday we decided at the last minute to go pay tribute to Gerald Ford as he lay in state at the Capitol Building, and protest marches are every other week.

To keep our son busy we also joined Scouts, and found him a good music teacher at the local community college. He has been in the marching band - which is so not Berkeley High, but does get to be in the Jazz Band spring semester. He does miss his friends, but we flew him back to visit with them, and he does IM and phone talks. He felt that going from having 2 siblings to none was a little on the oppressive parent side, as in too much parental attention, so we hosted a student from Costa Rica for year through AFS. That gave our son the chance to share some of the wonders here on the East Coast and evened out the adult/teen ratio. Public transportation is horrible outside of DC and the roads are not well suited for biking or walking, so we do drive much more than we did in Berkeley.

After two years of being an East Coast transplant my son has a job at the local pizza place, is doing great in school, volunteers at the local baseball stadium, plays basketball with the neighbors, has made many friends around the county and in Virginia and in the District. We've had lots of new opportunities here, but still feel that California is our other home. I recommend moving with your eyes wide open. I decided that I was going to like my new home and put in the energy to find new delights. Best wishes and come visit! Ellen

13-year-old and unexpected move across the country

November 2002

i am interested in hearing from parents who have had to deal with unexpected moves to another state (one side of the country to the other). specifically, ideas on how to approach a 13 year old girl who is very happily settled with her current life and set up. thank you

we moved here from Michigan when our daughter was a Junior and we did hear many times, then, that we were going to totally ruin her life.... and i must say that it was really hard, she had an awful time adjusting to Berkeley High but there was no option for us.... except the one of a friend offering to keep her there through the end of high school which i did not want because i felt that i would lose her right then.... instead of when she went to college. looking at the whole experience 4 years later.... it was a hard moment but absolutely worth it. yes, you'll have a hard time seeing her miserable for a while but life goes on.... we did give her unlimited phone calls and plane tickets to go back to visit & it made her feel a lot better and in the long run did not cost us too much! good luck! catherine

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