Teenagers & Homework
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Teenagers & Homework
Dec 2008
Homework and Bedtime Help: Problem 1: My 14-year-old, 9th
grade son, wastes countless HOURS on his homework every
day! He often doesn’t understand the work, but usually
won’t ask me for help or let me help him. Even when he
accepts help, he isn’t attentive or assertive enough to
get it done in a timely manner. Problem 2: He also takes
an hour or more to get ready for bed, which occurs whether
or not he has been doing homework or another activity. My
son is chronically exhausted from getting minimal sleep
and is exhausted every day in class. (I’m exhausted too,
but whatever.) Problem 3: My son can’t get up or get ready
for school on time and is tardy for school EVERY day (and
getting later every week). The school administration is
very concerned about his fatigue, study habits, grades,
and attendance, as am I. My son’s grades are far from what
they need to be (2 D’s). He has an IEP, but it was
recently determined that he doesn’t have a learning
disability anymore). I used to think that my son had ADD,
but have decided that it is probably more just a lack of
interest and motivation in academics (and life in general
outside of electronics), social anxiety and passive
aggressive stuff. These are chronic, lifelong problems. I
have tried countless measures, both positive and negative,
but NOTHING has ever worked. Please share any and all
solutions and ideas!!
amy
You might try hiring a ''homework helper'' to come to your
house and sit with your son a few times a week while he
does homework. It's not exactly tutoring, more like
coaching, encouraging and supervising. I did this with my
daughter for a while, she is borderline ADD and profoundly
uninterested in academics. We hired an older high school
kid (Albany H.S. has a list of available tutors) and it
helped for a while. As for the fatigue, tardiness, etc.
you might approach it the way you would with a young child
with sleep issues -- soothing bedtime rituals, a regular
routine, maybe even rewards for going to bed on time?
anon
That sounds really hard, and the subject resonates with me
because I have a teen son who also takes a long time to do
his homework, get ready for bed, and get ready for school.
Here are some of the ways that I have dealt with it. First,
he has a firm bedtime of 10:00 on school nights. I believe
strongly that sleep is important to teens' ability to deal
with school and life, and I want to make sure he gets
enough. If he knows that his lights have to be off at 10,
then he can't waste as much time on homework and getting
ready for bed.
The fact that your son is late for school every morning
means that this is an option for him. My son would be late,
too, except that I have to get out the door to work and take
him to the bus. I can't be late, so he can't be late. It's
not an option. You need to find a way to not make it
optional to show up to school on time.
The homework issue is harder. It seems as though he is
having a hard time budgeting his time and figuring out how
to use it well. He might be overwhelmed by his workload,
and so avoids it by wasting time. Try working with him to
make goals during the evening: by 7:00, you'll finish your
math; by 8:00 you'll finish your science assignment. Make
sure he takes real breaks in between accomplishments, so
that the work doesn't feel like an undifferentiated mass.
Your son needs you to set some limits for him, so that he
can learn to set those limits for himself in the future. A
tired kid who has the school on his back for tardiness isn't
going to be able to figure this out for himself. Good luck!
Been There, Still There
I could have written your post two years ago, when my son
(now 13) was in 6th grade. It would take him hours to do
his homework, he could not organize anything (much less
himself), and getting him out the door was a struggle. He
started feeling like he was a failure, and defensively shut
us out. We were very anti-med, but were no longer willing
to let our philosophical/political view keep our kid from a
possible benefit. So we tried ADD meds (Focalin). It was
nothing short of magic. Within days, he had executive
function. He was on top of his work, got homework done
quickly and well, remembered to put things in his backpack.
He went from Cs to straight As. He felt more confident
socially. One side effect is some difficulty getting to
sleep, and mornings are still a challenge because he has not
yet taken his meds. But it has been an unmitigated success,
and we just regret we did not try sooner. Your son may not
respond as ours did, but if it helps, you will know right
away.
Doubter no more
You don't say what your son's learning disability was...but
it sounds as though he is still suffering from something
that impedes his output. In my experience, most kids
succeed in school if they can. There's little payoff in the
kinds of behaviors you're describing. Has your child been
evaluated for ADHD? His problems are consistent with the
problems kids with ADHD Inattentive Type often experience.
I suggest that you visit the website chadd.org to obtain
more information.
Linda
We've gone through this too, and it ended up being a sleep
disorder. My son
sleeps poorly, it takes him a long time to settle in, and we too
were late
every
day -- sometimes as much as an hour late, which made me want to
pull out
all my hair because I was always late too. What we finally did
(and it's
extreme) is cancel his first class of the day on the advice of
his
psychiatrist.
He does better when he gets that extra sleep and the shorter
schedule eases
strain all around. We're going to try and make classes up in
summer school.
Sometimes I think we push our teens to accept a schedule that is
unreasonable for their physiology. Maybe not just teens but all
of us need
more sleep???
Ann
October 2006
Do we need some kind of executive skills tutor or other help?
My daughter began High School this fall and is not completing
her homework and turning it in on time. She tested into 4 honors
courses so there is MORE homework assigned now than she had in
Middle School. She is very bright but has difficulty with some
of what I have recently heard called ''executive skills'', like
the ability to break projects down into the necessary sub-parts
and then complete each of these and then rebuild it into the
final project.
Because of the recent phone calls from a couple of her teachers
that she is not turning her homework in on time (this school
will not accept late homework after 2 days, period) I made it my
business over the weekend (she worked both Sat. & Sun to
complete one project that should not have exceeded 2 - 3 hours
IMHO) to closely observe her and this is what I saw... she
cannot seem to stay focused on the project or homework at hand.
She becomes distracted by: myspace, e-mail, computer solitare,
etc., anything except doing the homework(!) The homework does
not appear to be too hard... just too hard to stay focused and
get it done!! Her procrastination is really starting to
frustrate me and my husband as well as her grades are going to
seriously be impacted by her not getting the homework in on
time. Other parents please advise me.. is she just lazy or is
there something else going on here? She seems to have very high
expectations for herself and says she wants to go to a top
college but if she does not start to get it together and find
the skills to stay focused and complete her homework in a timely
manner, I fear for her future
Homework Nightmare
The answer to helping your teen focus on homework is simply
to unplug the internet. Our bright child ran into problems
last year completing homework and turning it in on time.
During a candid conversation she told us that the
distraction from the internet was the reason she was unable
to complete her work and that we needed to ''unplug her''.
The results have been remarkable. With limited internet
access her grades have improved to normal and she is back
on track. If she needs internet access for a project she
asks for the internet cord and then returns it when done.
(Sometimes I have to retrieve it and remind her it was her
idea).
Try it and I think you will be amazed at the difference.
Possibly it can be returned when her homework is completed.
Good Luck!
Unplugged in Walnut Creek
Your message sounded so familiar! My son is also a high
school freshman, with similar organizational challenges. I
have two bits of advice for you. First of all, consider
having your daughter assessed for an undiagnosed learning
disability. My son is very bright, and always earned good
grades (mainly A's, a few B's). It was only when he
enrolled in a very demanding middle school program that
some significant organizational challenges emerged. His
teachers suggested an assessment, and we found out that he
does have executive function deficit. It is related to his
processing speed and working memory. He has a very high IQ,
and we would never have suspected that he had any kind of
disability had we not had him tested. Often, really bright
kids with subtle disabilities can compensate without
realizing it, and do well in school. They may not even
realize that they are working harder than they should be.
These kids are often diagnosed in high school or even
college, when increased demands make compensating
impossible. Secondly, my son has benefited enormously from
the programs at Student Organizational Services
(www.SOS4Students.com). They are located in Walnut Creek,
but work with students from all over the Bay Area. My son
took ''Nailing Ninth Grade'', a fantastic 2-day summer
workshop designed to help kids prepare organizationally for
high school. SOS has many other programs, and also offers
one-on-one coaching, and study space consultations (where
someone comes to your home and evaluates the student's
study area). The coaching service is very popular, and has
a long waiting list. The workshops fill quickly as well.
The SOS staff is hip and great with teens, plus they know
their stuff. They have fabulous ideas for kids and parents
about organization and time management. I can't recommend
them highly enough! Good luck
Another Ninth Grade Mom
You were wise to observe your daughter. The behavior that
you describe sounds like pretty classic ADHD, which is
often overlooked in girls until high school. If this
wasn't what you were hoping to hear, join the club. I
resisted the idea that my son had it, until he started to
falter in school. I would suggest that you make an
appointment with Dr. Brad Berman who is an excellent
behaviorial pediatrician.
Jocelyn
We went through this too. I was convinced it was just laziness on my
son's part but that ended up not being the case. We had him evaluated (we
paid for it -- about $5,000 but I've since found out you may request that your
school evaluate your daughter and many public schools will do this free of
charge) and discovered my son had a learning disability that affected his
concentration as well as his organizational skills. We're still working
on this with him, but it's helped him -- and us -- to understand that he's not
being willful but is sincerely unable to focus on tasks without some
guidance. I would pursue getting an evaluation and see if that brings anything new to light.
Best of luck to you!
Mom in Same Boat
I feel for you -- we spent last year in homework hell with
our bright 7th grade son. The calls from teachers about
unturned in homework, all of it. We got frustrated, thought
he was lazy, but soon realized there was more to it. For
one thing, he was starting to get depressed about his poor
performance and the negative feedback. We decided to do
some learning disabilities testing. That took a long time,
from deciding to learn more about this last April or so, to
having gotten some results last week.
But I'm very glad we did. Most of the people I talked with
along the way thought he sounded like he had ''executive
function disorder,'' the kind of inability to break projects
into bite size pieces and organize time and paper that you
describe.
The people at Children's Hospital who did the testing were
wonderful throughout and spent over an hour explaining the
results in detail, and they clearly had gotten to know and
understand our individual child very well. In his case, the
results did not show Executive function disorder, but
rather ''ADHD without the H.'' Which really does fit, a
daydreamer sort, distracted not by external things but by
stuff from his own mind.
We are not sure yet what the next step is, we are both
resistant to medicating, but feel like already this has
been a huge help. The docs at Children's met separately
with him, and explained it all, emphasizing the areas where
he scored really well.
Be aware, this took more time and cost more money than we
first imagined. But it was so helpful. One thing all the
professionals emphasized, which really echoed my gut, is
that kids want to do well, the don't just blow stuff off in
most situations. They are not lazy
anon mom
Our son sounds very similar to your daughter. Very bright,
easily distracted....homework is the last thing he wants to
do. Makes everyone anxious, makes me hover over him. Not
good. It takes him 3-4 times as long to complete projects
and assignments as it ''should''. We've recently had him
tested, he's 16 and received a mild ADHD diagnosis, so we
are going to try to get support and accomodations from his
school. We often try new techniques at home...rewards for
timely completion etc. If there is something your daughter
loves to do (a sport/instrument/etc) you might be
successful in using that as the carrot. It often works for
us. Fortunately my son has many passions, so getting
school work done so that he can go to a lacrosse game
motivates him. I recommend you have her tested privately.
Best of luck
been there
I am both a parent of a child who had great difficulty with
focus (coupled with high intelligence and ambition) and a
professional educational therapist. I suggest that you
eliminate all the distractions to see if your daughter still
has trouble with focus. I think there is a mistaken notion
floating around among young people that you OUGHT to engage
in all these activities simultaneously and that there is
something wrong with a quiet, calm environment. It is
difficult for anyone to be productive when her attention is
being constantly diverted and concentration is fragmented.
Try an experiment: track how long she spends and how much
homework is accomplished in an environment that supports
concentration. Delete the solitaire, lock out the My Space,
put the phone away, shut off the TV, put some classical
music on the stereo and turn on a timer for one hour
segments of time. Go over the assignments with her at the
beginning and end of the homework period to make sure she
understands and completes the work. If you try this for a
while and your daughter still can't get her homework done,
you might want to evaluate for AD/HD. That's what my kid
had, and thanks to prompt intervention, she has been a
successful student whose self-esteem was restored with the
knowledge that she wasn't lazy or dumb. We found the
strategies and structure that she needed to be very
productive and is thriving in college (though she still
needs the strategies and the structure)
Linda
My daughter has been working on this same issue for the
last couple of years. she seems to have it under control
but can spend way too much time sitting at the table
supposedly studying/doing homework - like most of her
weekends. She also gets distracted by the computer - which
she started out using to listen to music but was easily
drawn into watching video clips. We talked to her about
what she was doing all that time sitting at the table and
she realized that she was spending a lot of time pulling
up the music she wanted and then getting distracted. She's
very self motivated and doesn't like to get behind in her
school work = so we didn't have to push her. She realized
herself that the computer was distracting her and she
wanted to do other things besides sit at the
table ''working''. She now leaves the computer off while
she's doing her homework. Another trick I've tried is
turning on background instrumental music for her (we're
currently using George Winston's CD ''forest''). This was
something I started doing in college. You just need to get
the right kind of music - instrumental jazz and classical
work pretty well. We also try to set times for the
assignments - although she sometimes goes over time it
makes her aware of the time.
Laurie
Our high school-age son has the same focus problems. He
was diagnosed with ''executive ordering'' problems when he
was 9. It was easier to get him to focus on his work when
he was younger because we could sit with him and re-direct
him. Now that he is in his teens our son is very resistant
to any help from us. He didn't need a tutor, so it was
hard to figure out what would work. We were advised to
hire a ''hip'' young college student to be a mentor. My son
interviewed the applicants along with us and really like
the young man we hired. 2-3 nights a week they went
through my son's backpack , checked his calendar,and wrote
out a work-schedule before doing their homework together
for a few hours. The guy that we hired functioned as both
(for lack of a better word) a ''re-focusser'' and a role
model. He was a really wonderful addition to our family.
(and took a lot of pressure off us!) Maybe a young woman
undergraduate that your daughter connects with might work.
Been There
Dear Homework Nightmare;
Here are four thoughts.
First, my 12th-grade daughter, who had a year or two of
homework issues, and she had the following to say in
response to your post.
''Get her into an extraccuricular activity which sucks up
most of her day or week. She'll shape up naturally because
she doesn't have all the extra time to fool around, and
she'll be more motivated because she'll be with other kids
and the peer pressure is definintely felt. sports and club
kids get some of the best grades anyway because they are
generally happier, and this makes them more responsible,
because they feel like they actually have an impact on whats
going on in their lives.''
Second, testing into four honors courses and taking them may
be a bit too much. Talk to the counselor about cutting
back. With so much homework, she may not know where to
start. Also, the ninth-grade is such a variable year for
most kids that this is not a disasterous harbinger of things
to come. You may just need course correction, no pun intended.
Third, your daughter may need help. May I recommend Maggie
Jacobberger, out in Lafayette. (925-878-5202, and
Maggie[at]ivyenrichment.com, www.ivyenrichment.com) If not a
convenient location, then she may be able to recommend
someone else.
Fourth, there are how-to-study books, and I am an expert in
how these do not work, if your kid really doesn't want to
use an improvement method. (I am batting zero for three!)
Anyway, I've read several, but not all. The best one I
found was ''Study Power,'' by William R. Luckie and Wood
Smethurst. It's origin is a program at Harvard to get
bright students who are failing to overcome study habit
problems and succeed. Luckie and Smethurst moved to the
Atlanta area and have been successful with their method.
Like all such books, they say right at the beginning to not
proceed if you really do not want to work at this. I did
not listen, and put my kids through this and one other book.
Both experiments were complete and total failures. Your
mileage may vary.
Good luck,
Nathan
Feb 2006
I'm worried about my twelve-year-old son's workload. He is a
seventh grader at King, and gets pretty much all A's, but
not because he's ''academically gifted'', but because he
works really hard.
Anyway, I'm concerned because of the extremely great
amount of work these kids are given. His English teacher
told him that in seventh grade, these CHILDREN are supposed
to have THREE HOURS of homework each night! He told me this,
and I couldn't believe it. When I heard that, I started
adding up all of the ''requirements'' for a child his age,
and realized that if he met all of them, he would have about
fifteen minutes of free time each (week)day. He is ''young''
for his age, and still loves playing with his models and
toys and his brothers; he still needs time to play.
He does not do quite three hours of homework (I would
be shocked if that really happened every night), but it's
usually 1.5-2+ hours a day, and the stress of it is really
seeming to get to him. I know that middle school is a rough
transition, but he started middle school last year with very
few problems.
Is anyone else experiancing this? Is this normal? It
seems to be taking a toll on him; he comes right home from
six hours of school, sit down, does a few hours of homework,
and it's almost time for dinner, so he's really tense. If
anyone tries to talk to him when he does his homework, he
snaps at them, or even yells, only to feel remorseful later.
I suggested taking a break before homework, but he
insists--and he's probably right--that if he does, he won't
be able to finish it. He does get some energy out--after
dinner, he and his brothers go and play in our backyard for
an hour, but he still seems more aggresive and tense than
he's ever been. Is there anything I can do? I don't want to
lose the sweet, loving son I know to middle school. Please
give me some advice; my wife and I are at a tal loss.
William
Middle school homework can be way out of proportion to the
developmental needs of our children. Some kids seem to ride
the pressure more easily than others. I have had two kids
go through middle school. The first one did well with a lot
of parent involvement and teacher conferences to keep up
with assignments. The second one has much less interest in
pleasing teachers and is satisfied with Cs. As parents, we
take the attitude that top grades are not that important in
middle school.Enjoying the process of learning and having
time for play and social life are equally important at this
stage. The kids are learning how to juggle teacher
expectations more independently and to talk to their
teachers when they have a problem. In our family,we expect
our middle school kid to do his best and we get involved to
help him out and keep in touch with his teachers by email
and phone if he falls behind. Most teachers are very
responsive to parental concerns Re: kid stress and will
modify due dates if they see the kid is really trying. Our
kids do sports after school and are often exhausted by 9:00
pm without having finished homework. They do it the next
day early in the morning or turn it in late. A good night's
sleep and family time are much more important at age 12-14
than an A on HW assignments. Talk to your son's teachers
and explain the situation. You can work something out
together to make your kid's school experience more
balanced. Our job as parents is to advocate for the health
and wellbeing of our children in and out of school. Put the
homework concern out on a school etree, on the PTA agenda
and hash it over with the other parents and teachers of 7th
graders. 1 and 1/2 hours is plenty for 7th grade, maybe 2
on occasion, but not on a regular basis. Good luck,
Marilyn
I definitely share your concern about middle schoolers
feeling too much homework pressure. I was shocked when my
11 year old entered 6th grade at Lincoln Middle School (in
Alameda) and had several hours of homework nightly. Her
core teacher says that homework should average 20 minutes
per class per day, so that comes to about 2 hours. I
think that's too much homework for a child that age, a
child who wants and deserves lots of time to hang out in
her tree house, do crafts projects, play with her pets,
and generally be a kid. My repeated and clear message to
my daughter is that the most important thing for her is to
give attention to not just homework/grades, but also other
important areas of life such as music, sports, church, and
last but certainly not least family and friends time.
When she recently brought home all As I told her that was
great but it did make me wonder if she had ''enough
balance'' in her life. She knew I was partly kidding about
giving her a hard time about making As, but she needs to
hear someone articulate a different message from what I
believe is overemphasis on homework and preparing for the
standardized tests on which teachers and principals are
increasingly pressured to have their students score well.
a pro-childhood mom
Hi William,
I read your post about your son's HW and have some ideas. First, I teach
middle school, not at King, but 6th grade at a charter school. At the
beginning of the year, I had complaints from some parents that I gave too
much HW. I have struggled with this and believe I have reached a
compromise. The first thing you should do if you haven't already is speak w/
your child's teacher. Ask her/him how much time she/he thinks the HW
should take and tell him/her how much time your child spends on HW. Ask
whether that is a reasonable amount of time or is your child spending too
much time on HW. Also, your child might have some anxiety about how he's
doing. Sounds like he's a really conscientious student. Setting up boundaries
at home might help; like have a snack and 15 min. of loafing time when he
first gets home before starting his HW. Also, check what the assignments are
and when they're due. Is your son freaked out about getting stuff done that
he has a week or so to complete. How about setting up a schedule so if he's
working on a big project, set aside 15-20 daily to work on that. I definitely
don't think he should spend 3 hrs per night on HW but 1-1/2 is not
unreasonable. His anxiety might be about other issues. Please start by
speaking w/ the teacher. Best of luck to you. It sounds like your son is really
thoughtful and probably a student any teacher would be lucky to have.
Susan S
I also have a 7th grader at King and have not experienced
anything like what was described (3 hours of
homework/night). I urge concerned parents to raise such
issues with the principal or VP. The VP names
and email addresses can be found on the King PTA website,
http://king.berkeleypta.org/admin.html. Also, try posting to
the un-moderated King Discussion group. Check it out and
subscribe at King_Discussion-subscribe[at]yahoogroups.com.
Rebecca
I agree that our children don't need to be in school all
day and then work on homework most of their evenings.
Beacon School (a private school from pre-school through
Middle School in Oakland) has a very positive approach
towards homework. The founder, Thelma Farley, believes
that in the early grades all work should be done in school.
She encourages families to spend time together and not be
driven by busy work. In Middle School the homework is
reasonable. It often focuses on projects. My son is
graduating from there this year and has had an incredibly
positive school experience.
Sara
Parental control of homework
Sept 2000
My older daughter (17) can have the TV or radio on while she's doing
her homework and, although I can't do that kind of stuff, she is
perfectly capable of it. However, my younger daughter (soon to be
15) is not and it totally slows her down, but she insists that it
isn't a problem. In addition, she gets really defiant). "You can't
tell me what to do"!!!! Last night she had on the MTV music awards
and then called her friend while she was doing her homework. I told
her she needed to get off the phone. "You can't tell me what to do".
"Oh, yes I can". Anyway, she was doing her homework from 8:30 -
10:30, after which she took her book and went to her room to read and
stayed up until 11 or 11:15. My initial take on this matter is to
make it really clear to her that she is to do her homework without
the TV or phone and really establish with her that she is still a
child and will do what I tell her to do (goddammit!). However, I was
talking to a woman at work today who said that she's really old
enough to suffer her own consequences and all we can do is to tell
her that she's responsible for herself and her success or failure.
It was an eye opener and I think I agree with her. However, of
course, I'm concerned that Amber will not be able to succeed and that
part of my job is to help her to establish good habits that will help
her to succeed.
At what point do you relinquish this kind of control? When do you
allow them to make their own decisions? I don't know what to think.
What do you think?
Toby
I, too, had the same problem with my 14yr. old last year. The radio
was always on when she was doing her homeword and she would talk on
the phone or watch TV. I left her to her own devices, and she proved
to herself that it just doesn't work. She failed English. Now she
will have to make it up sometime before she graduates, which
translates to an extra english class for one semester. It's just more
work for her in the long run. But you know your own daughter. This
may work for her and may not. My daughter has to learn her own
lessons. I guess I'm lucky that she does learn. At 14, who's the
boss? I told my daughter that she has to come home, do her homework
( without music, etc.) and then she can do whatever she wants, talk on
the phone, watch TV and and listen to music all at the same time if
she wants. END OF CONVERSATION!
Anonymous
No matter how much your daughter doesn't want you interferring, stay
with it. Maybe you can compromise -- part time with TV (on her easier
subjects) and part time without on her more difficult subjects. Do
the without TV, etc. 1st while she is still fresh.
What the other mother said is good in theory but it might set your
daughter up for failure (especially since you know your daughter).
When do you not control what they do -- when they go to college and
you aren't there.
Hang in there. Your daughter is spirited and you wouldn't want it any
other way. I think a compromise situation usually works best. You
are respecting their opinion but you are also doing what feels right
to you.
Flora
I have generally followed the "consequences" route with my two sons
(one just graduated and one just starting BHS) but there are
exceptions. The problem with consequences is that some of the
possible consequences are too damaging. For a person early in HS the
event of a few low grades may be sufficient to give them what my
husband and I refer to as "a reality dose". But later in HS when
college issues are at hand, a failing grade may mean dashed hopes for
the future, not getting into a school the young adult wants to get
into.
An example of consequences that are too serious would be a young
person who refuses to wear protective head gear while biking or
roller-blading ("it isn't cool"). In which case, I've intervened by
taking away the bicycle or blades until there was compliance. I will
not have my son in a hospital with head injuries for the sake of
"natural consequences."
Regarding tv/radio/phone and homework perhaps you can work out a deal.
If your daughter keeps her grades at a certain level then you will not
interfere. If they go down you then could restrict the use of other
distractions until they are up again. You have to be willing to
seriously follow through however. How do you restrict TV if it is in
your home and available? On this issue, unfortunately, once we had to
buy a lock which fit on the electric cord and turned the power on or
off with a key. When our sons came home from school the TV was on
"off" and did not go "on" until homework was shown to be done. The
fortunate side of this was, we did it when they were younger (in late
grade school and middle school) and by HS they knew we were serious.
If you tried it in HS it might just make your daughter furious. I
think the "prove it to me" attitude would work better.
Anonymous
My sense is pressure ( control) can lighten up when things get done on
a reasonable timetable ( not so late at night that the kid is
exhausted and functioning poorly the next day) etc. I control phone
time ( I pay the bills), lightening up when I feel a good faith effort
is being made to follow through on responsibilities. We just shifted
from a very relaxed middle school to a tighter high school. My
daughter seems to be relieved by the tighter framework and is
responding well to it. Having pondered this a lot I am now convinced
more supervision ( if not control, exactly) is a good thing - my 14.5
yr old cannot yet handle all this on her own, doesnt have the self
control, etc. She needs a lot of support - and that seems to mean my
not controlling exactly but helping keep track of what needs to be
done, tuning in a lot for status reports on how things are going,
providing incentives if things get done on time for the ostensible
bedtime of 10 pm. ( she doesn't always make it but the guideline is
helpful, it keeps things for going too late or makes that more the
exception than the rule). I would not allow tv or phone calls while
homework is being done. If a call comes in while she's doing homework
I take a message or, if she wants to take it - I try to show some
flexibility but also let her know I am mindful of the time, what needs
to be done, and that one cannot do two things at once. I'm sending
this message because it has taken me a while to figure out that it is
too soon to let them take all the consequences - seems to me.All
feedback is welcome.
suzanne
Teen won't do boring homework
See also: School not Academically Challenging
My daughter is in the 8th grade at Albany Middle School and has
developed a pattern of not doing all of hr homework in several
subjects and when I find out, we struggle to get it all caught up in a
flurry of activity. Some it she says she was not aware of (one
teacher found she was reading a book most of the class) and others of
it, she says she didn't realize there was another section to it, etc.,
etc. Mostly she claims lack of consciousness but when we had a
serious talk recently she said that she isn't interested in doing the
homework though she realizes her grades will be affected by this and
she does care about her grades.
This pattern began last year when she had mono for two months and missed
so much class it was almost impossible to catch up on everything. She took
the tests and passed most of them with flying colors so I think she feels
she doesn't need the homework. We're going around in circles and I don't
have the energy or the will to carry a whip to MAKE her do her homework,
partly because I'd have to check each day with her teachers to see what
homework she has and I'm usually at work or in school at that time. One of
her teachers and I have arranged to have the teacher sign off on my
daughter's planner that she has in fact copied down all the homework given
so that I can check it in the evening. Clearly, not getting the homework
affects some of her skills in math and writing, although she can usually
pass tests well and it will affect her grades (it sure did last year). I'm
worried about how she's going to progress through high school and on to
college.
This is not a problem during the summer when she takes ATDP classes.
She got an A+ in high school Japanese. And yes, she's very bright and she's
bored with homework she sees as uninspiring make-work. And of course she's
a teenager now and her friends and their interactions and being a counselor
to them all is much more satisfying that homework. A lot of other kids are
having the same problem but that's no comfort. Anyway, I really don't know
what to do. I'm sure others have encountered this problem before and I'd
be happy to hear any solutions.
I hear from my son who is maintaining a 3.5 or better and tests very
high on the yearly standard tests that homework is a joke for the most
part . He does it somehow but I seldom see him do it at home. I assume
he does it because his grades are not low, in fact they are rather high.
Here is my own personal "bottom line." I have one son who just
graduated BHS and the younger who is one year ahead of your daughter
now in 9th grade. If you labor through homework, following up to see if
it is done and checking it, ( I've known some who practically did it
with their sons or daughters) you may well give her the message that
school is for YOU not for her.
Instead, I have followed a line of initial and intentional "neglect."
That is, I won't micro manage homework. I am willing (especially in the
earlier middle school and freshman years of HS) to let my son get bad
grades if that is the consequence of his choice to neglect homework. I
also am ready at a moment's request -- from him --to pitch in and help
so he never feels he is in this alone. However it is clearly under his
area of responsibility. If you do this early, by later high school
teenagers are beginning to get the message that their basic life choices
really do mean something, really do have consequences, and are important
and are their own. In my view later parenting is one of support,
listening, and establishing (requiring sometimes) mutual respect. It
means a terrible risk of letting your child fail for a while....as long
as the failure is not life shattering. It also means that you are good
on your word and really will be there to help when asked.
It is SO hard to call this one because you do not want to let a
downslide in grades and attitude continue into real alienation and
depression. Often the teenager's lack of attention to some detail in
their life is an attempt to prod for parental reaction. Taking homework
out of the arena of dispute may mean that your daughter will simply pick
another area to prod for your attention. What is then happening is more
an issue of a youngster looking for a way to get reassurance that,
though they have gone past the childhood stages of interacting with
their parents, the parents still love them very actively and sons or
daughters still have claim to their parents time, interest and
attention.
My older son did this attention grab (will you REALLY support me) by
setting up last minute panic attacks about school and tests and even
social engagements. And yes, I really did drop everything and help.
Because he asked. And yes it cost me something real with my own
schedule, yes he did it several times until he was really sure I'd be
there. We then had to work on the meaning of respecting each other's
time and obligations by better planning (on both sides). We are still
in this negotiation process with the older son. Life and growing up
takes time. Adults tend to forget how many lessons are part of growing
up.
This approached worked for us. I would even recommend it. My sons are
responsible and lovely people in my own opinion. I was told at the very
beginning of having children...raise them to be some one you would enjoy
being around as adults. Not bad advice. It still holds.
[Please submit anonymously as my son might not want to be identified]
Hi, I had a similar problem with my son when he attended Albany Middle
School two years ago. Like my son, your daughter sounds very bright,
but extremely bored, not only because of the difference between her
ATDP and AMS grades, but because she knows just how much homework she
can get away with not doing, and still pass her classes. Perhaps at
this point, not writing down her homework assignments has become a
habit, but putting all your effort into whether or not she does her
homework is not going to improve her attitude about her schoolwork. If
she is choosing to read over listening in her classes, she is most
likely not being challenged.
I've already gone on and on about what I think of AMS on this
newsletter, but if you want to know more, please feel free to e-mail
me! Just briefly: When my son was in the 6th grade, he was getting by
at AMS, with a B average. I think that because he has learning
disabilities, he was never encouraged to push himself
academically. Fortunately, we moved to East Oakland and my son started
the 7th grade at Bret Harte Middle School. They listened to me when I
told them my son was bored in school and needed to be encouraged to
excel. He had the talent, but not the motivation. Now in the 8th
grade, he is in Geometry, 2nd year spanish, and the honors core
class. His english teacher from last year still continues to encourage
his eclectic reading choices and often lets him borrow books from his
private collection. (previous choices include: Origin of Species,
Sophie's World, Plato's Republic, Marx for Beginners, Capitalism for
Beginners--next he plans to read the Communist Manifesto and Catcher
in the Rye.) Last week, he brought home his best report card yet, 5
A's and 1 B (he missed that A in spanish by about 20 points!) and now
has a 3.83 GPA. Not bad for a kid with three different learning
disabilities!
I think there are 4 factors that made the difference for my son:
1) He and I are no longer the only ones who believe in him. All his
teachers value his intelligence and give him plenty of praise and
encouragement.
2) I made sure that he is an active participant in his
education. Anyone can be a passive student and just go to class and
let mom talk to the teachers when there is a problem. Instead, I
taught my son to advocate for himself whenever he is bored, is graded
unfairly, or doesn't understand a class policy or the school work. If
he can't resolve an issue for himself, he goes to his resource
specialist next, if it involves his LD. I only get involved if he
can't fix it himself. This is his education, and he has taken
ownership of it. He is never arrogant or rude to his teachers, but he
won't take no for an answer!
3) The MESA summer Academy. I can't say enough wonderful things about
this program and the excellent teachers who dedicate themselves to
their students. 4) He set goals for himself for highschool and
college. He plans to take math classes at a community college during
the summer, so he can take differential equations by the time he's a
senior. He wants to attend MIT, Berkeley, or Stanford and major in
Biochemical Engineering.
Girls are very different than boys at this age, but as a teenage girl,
she really needs to get in touch with her own power, just as boys do.
However, butting heads with you about homework is a waste of
energy. Take another approach to the problem and address the real
issue, if you can. You may not have to take as drastic a step as
changing schools, but perhaps it's not a bad idea! Speaking for
myself, I turned to my friends, drugs and alcohol for many reasons,
but one of the primary reasons was boredom. When I finally dropped out
of high school, I went to community college during what should have
been my senior year, due to the advice and encouragement of my
probation officer (Mark Smith, thank you, wherever you are!) and did
quite well. Although I stopped going to school when I met my son's
dad, I did eventually find my way to UCB and am now preparing to apply
for graduate school. I swore I would do everything possible to help my
son avoid the difficulties I had in school. I really hope this helps!
I'd be happy to talk to you further if you like.
Patti
My daughter started slacking off on homework in middle school. I decided to
let her experience the consequences of her actions and thought she would come
around. She is very bright and has a lot of common sense. She learned how
to bring her grades back up to mediocre just in time for semester grades and
then back off again, letting them fall. Eventually, in high school, she got
far enough behind that she couldn't keep it up, and certainly couldn't get
ahead. She fell into a cycle. The worse she did, the lower her self esteem,
the lower her self esteem, the worse she did. At this point she resented my
intervention because she had been on her own with this responsibility.
I jumped in anyway. I began overseeing each assignment, I enlisted
grandparents and tutors, I required weekly progress reports from teachers.
It was ugly. It did feel like my education. After much battling on the
subject she began to do the work in order to get her family off her back. It
took a full year to get her back on track. Now, finally, she has begun to do
the work because she wants to ... because her accomplishments feel good to
her. We are all still closely involved. She still needs us. She still
needs someone looking over her shoulder. When she occasionally drops the
ball she doesn't let on that she needs help and she slips behind. I have to
be there to help her realize it's been dropped and help her pick it up. She
appreciates the help. She now believes that she has choices in her life.
She didn't before.
I do believe that my initial approach might well work for some children, but
it didn't for my daughter. The key, I think, is to pay very close attention.
Don't hesitate to become involved. Support feels different to each of us,
find out what your child needs.
Please list this anonymously. Thank you.
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Last updated: Jan 18, 2009
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