Teens Home Alone with the Boyfriend/Girlfriend
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Teens Home Alone with the Boyfriend/Girlfriend
My just barely l5 year old 9th grade daughter now has been
spending time for 4 months with a l4 year old very nice 9th
grade boy from a different school who lives about 7-8 miles
away. When he is over, they seem to be pretty physical,
though respectful. However when we want to go out , I am
confused what to do. Do I make them come with me even to
the store, like younger kids? Do I make him go home for
that hour or two? What I have done recently is have a
neighbor go into the house 2 or 3 times during that hour or
so. What do other folks do?
As a teenager, my mom would often let me have friends and boyfriends
over at home unsupervised. Her point of view was that kids were going
to do what they were going to do anyway and she preferred that it
happened in a safe, comfortable environment. Her trust/support meant
a lot to me and my sister (and despite the freedom to do so, I didn't
have sex until college). Please make sure that your daughter is
educated about sex and knows how you feel. But also understand that
she is going to make these choices on her own.
been in your daughter's shoes
Why don't you talk with your daughter privately about it? You might
hear from her how far they are going? You should be talking about it
anyway because if she has a boyfriend, no doubt the subject has come
up between them. If she's having sex (whether you like it or not),
they should be using condoms! You can say what you do and don't want
going on in your house. In my experience (I have a 17-year old
daughter), if you let her have sex in your house they will not have it
other more unsafe places. (Teenagers are horny beings!!) Since she's
young, she might not know WHAT she wants and this may be an
opportunity to hear her and give a little womanly advice. Maybe at
some point you can talk to both of them, but that's pretty
embarassing, mom, so make sure your daughter is okay with it.
I will let you know what I do. No boys in the house when I am not
home. The rule is absolute. If I will not be home for a short while,
then they come with me (but don't have to stay with me) and can go
to a bookstore, movie store or whatever. No staying at home alone
with any boy (or girl, if I had a boy) at any age or while the kid
is living in my house. Everyone knows the rule, knows it is absolute
and there have been no debates about it. It takes less than 5 sloppy
minutes to create a baby.
adults set the rules
My friend's barely 19 year old daughter is having a baby in March
because her mom let her stay home after school unattended. It only
takes a few minutes. Teens can be very resourceful and determined.
My mom's rule was not to leave me home with a boyfriend. The time
she made an exception, I was raped at age 16 by my boyfriend of
almost 2 years. When my son goes to a girl's after school, I ask if
a parent will be there. Do not subject your daughter to the
possibility of pregnancy and/or STDs. 1 in 3 teens has an STD,
mostly herpes and chlamidia. Don't think ''nice'' kids aren't exposed
to this stuff. If you have to go out, make it sound fun to go with
you. Tell them they can pick out a snack at the grocery store or you
will stop for ice cream. Let them pick out stuff to make you all
dinner. I am sure your daughter is responsible, but in the heat of
the moment, one of them may slip up. Better safe than sorry.
Anon Health Educator
What do you mean by physical? If they are kissing and he has his hands
on her, do not let them stay in the house. Send him home or take them
with you. Why does he need to be in your house for so long? Is it on
the weekends? Hopefully not during the school week. It doesn't take
more than 10 minutes at that age to get pregnant and they can figure
out when the neighbor is going to be coming again. Don't be afraid of
hurting their feelings.
Dear Confused: I think you already know the answer. You said your
15 year old daughter and her boyfriend are ''pretty physical'' when he
is over, and you want to know if it's ok to leave them at your house
alone for an hour or two. I know you aren't THAT confused. You
can't leave them alone for an hour or two, you know that! What
would you and your boyfriend have done at age 15 with two hours
alone in the house? It doesn't matter that he's respectful, or that
you ''want to go out''. You don't go out, period. If you absolutely
have to go out, they have to come, too. It may feel like you're
treating them like little kids, but you're actually treating them
like the great but hormone-charged, impulsive-by-nature, not-ready-
for-mature-decisions teenagers that they are!! Don't set them up
for a problem situation. They're ninth-graders, not seniors. They
still need adult supervision, especially when it's just the two of
You have to be the grownup
Hi-- yes, the kids will do what they want; but--- don't put your
child (yes 15 is a child) in the position of making a poor choice.
It's pretty big bs about a safe, clean environment--- you are
setting an example for your child and for your daughter's children
to come-- I like the parent who said the rule is no visitors-- boy
or girl when no parent is home. More than sex, there's drinking,
drugs, just plain ''mean girl stuff'', crank calls all sorts of junk!
I'm sure most people realize this, but the adolescent brain is still
forming and growing until about 26-- lots of poor choices, so at
least, put a small deterrent in the way!
I know there is a range of parenting styles, but the previous response
seemed a little harse. My experience with my 15 and 18 year old is
that I trust them to do the right thing. If you know the boyfriend
and your daughter shows strength in holding her own ground with him
versus being intimidated or easily persuaded into doing things not in
her character or good judgment then be confident that she will behave
appropriately and be responsible for him as well. I have never needed
to give my kids curfews or social boundaries. They are not goody two
shoes, but they do have good commonsense and know what the
consequences would be if they screwed up. As a result, I have been
able to talk to them more openly about things that come up for them
that they need to deal with... like having a friend that shop lifts or
a cousin that is sneaking alcohol out of his house... They trust that
I will give them advice they can deal with and not pass judgment, make
stricter boundaries or punish them for these things. Having good open
dialog without being too preachy goes a long way. So talk to your
daughter about it, see if she feels comfortable with the
responsibility. Humor goes a long way for talking about embarrassing
things too. I have a great book called ''Third Base Isn't What It Use
To Be'' on the subject of teen sexuality advice. Good Vibes in Berkeley
mom with trust
My son would like kids to hang out in his room. Since "kids" includes
girls, is this reasonable?
I haven't been plagued yet with the issue of boys "hanging out" in
room. However, she has told me she expects to be able to do this!
When I grew up this wasn't the norm at all. (In fact, nearly
*everything* in the boy/girl department is totally different from when
I was a teen!) I think that if teens have friends of the opposite sex
in their rooms, there should be an open door policy and the parent
should pass by frequently to monitor activity. Each family has to
determine their own tolerance level for this.
For me, friends of the opposite sex in a teen's bedroom is not a good
idea and I would seek other places in the house for them to hang out.
My view is: why add more temptations? Teens are already bombarded by
them and probably don't need more.
I think a good thing to remember in dealing with teens is that,
despite their vociferous statements to the contrary, they actually do
want -- and need -- limits. It gives them security and lets them know
what our expectations of them are.
FRIENDS IN ROOM: I have a daughter. Girls are welcome anytime! No one is allowed when I
am away Boy or Girl. I would rather my daughter invite her boy
friends into our home verses meeting them around the block or standing
out front. Her friends know my home is always a safe haven if needed.
Not an issue yet but see the storm coming.
Regarding the teenager in the room alone with girls: Please don't allow
this. I was date raped/heavily pressured to have sex or to go farther (ie
oral sex) than I wanted to when I was at a boy's house and his parents were
there! We were alone in his room with the door shut. I protested when my
parents instituted the "open-door" rule but later on, I appreciated it. It
gave me an out. (I am sure your son is not going to do this, but his
female guests will probably be more comfortable if the door is open)
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