Berkeley Parents Network: Calling the Friend's Parents

Berkeley Parents Network

Calling the Friend's Parents

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Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Teenagers > Calling the Friend's Parents

Should I confirm the other parents are home when my 14-y-o visits?

Dec 2004

I would appreciate opinions. My 14 year old freshman son has started to develop an independant social circle. The other kids (boys and girls) ,I think ,are ''good'' kids but I haven't met them . They have been going to one of the homes (not mine yet) to watch movies. The rule is that my son is not to be at friends homes if the parent is not there. So far its been a trust thing because he is uncomfortable with me calling the home to chat up the parent (and he gets home on time, etc). So, does this sound appropriate or do I insist on calling. Opinions? one of ''those'' moms

Your instinct to check in with the other parent(s) is absolutely correct. As the ''anti-drug'' and ''stay-in- school'' campaigns assert, affirmative parental involvement is the best way to ensure good outcomes for our teens. (Like many, I'm put off by the occasional tackiness of these campaigns, but on this point they're right on the money.)

As always, have a talk with him to hear his concerns and explain why you think checking in with the parent is important. Strive to come across as ''authoritative'' rather than ''authoritarian.'' Explain that there are larger issues than whether or not you trust him to do the right thing.

You need to know that the other parent(s) actually intend to be present while the kids are there (e.g., do they think it's ok to leave to go shopping, and if so is that ok with you?). Moreover, you don't know them and it seems like a parental duty not only to confirm that you're on the same page but more generally to satisfy yourself that they're safe and trustworty guardians for your son. That would be worth a call in itself even without the issue of your ''parent-present'' rule.

If you are home at times when the kids like to hang out, you might want to tell your son you'd like his friends to feel comfortable coming over to your house as well, and encourage him to invite them. (And follow-up to make it happen if you can.) Meanwhile call the parent(s) at the other home to let them know what you're doing and encourage their son/daughter to come over; this provides a natural opportunity to check in with the other parent about the situation when kids are there, e.g. ''I'm inviting the gang to come over here as well as to your house. I plan to be home when the kids are here...Is that the way you've been handling it too?'')

Bottom line: Reagan's old phrase on arms control: ''Trust. Trust but verify!'' Tim

I'd tell him the truth -- that you trust him, but its unreasonable to expect you to trust people you've never met or even spoken to.

Then I'd give him the choice of inviting the kids to HIS house once or twice, so you can get to know them -- or expect you to call and confirm that a parent is home, until you know which parents you trust.

One of the plusses of this method is that he can pretend you're being unreasonable if he wants, and other kids will understand... the roll of the eyes... the ''its my mother....''.

If you do speak to the other parents you may be pleasantly surprised to find that they also would like to be in the loop, and that each of them also has a kid who says ''no one else does that.''

BTW - if you want kids at your house, invest in food. Good snacks more than balance any amount of parental supervision at this age. Heather

Although your son sounds reasonably responsible, I'd opt for making that call! My son also was embarrassed, or so he said, about my calling other boys parents. While in calling the parents, I usually found that my son was honest about who was home, etc. I was also able to make contact with these parents, who over the long-term,were valuable contacts in regard to what my son/their son(s) were up to, what their parenting policies were, etc. You might want to know what kind of parents they are -- some kids I have known are allowed access to the liquor cabinet, for example -- something I'm not comfortable with AT ALL. Your son is not the only embarrassed kid on the block, and you're not just ''one of those moms,'' you are one of the few who are taking an active interest in their children's upbringing. He'll get over the embarrassment, even if he doesn't think so! Anon

I think it is sad how parents lose touch with the parents of their kids friends when their kids get to be teenagers. I think we can be better parents if know the other parents and consult with them. If you are on a friendly basis, then it will be easier to talk when something serious comes up. I recommend calling. The other parents probably want to be in touch with you too, but are feeling reluctant for similar reasons. Don't let your teenager control who you call on the phone.

Yes, call. You don't need to say you are checking up - just say you are wondering what rules they have for their kid, trying to figure out where to draw the line, what do they do in this particular situation, etc. We parents have to stick together! I am a shy person and it was hard for me to call people I didn't know, especially once the kids were 15, 16, 17. Sometimes I felt like I was the most paranoid fearful person on earth. Sometimes I wanted to call but didn't. But now that mine are 19 and 22 I can see in retrospect that checking in with their friends' parents was the single best thing I did during that period. I learned so much from other parents. Just staying in touch by phone, getting a reality check with other parents now and then, and most improtantly laying the groundwork so that I felt OK about calling the very few times when they didn't come home, or there was some alcohol/drug episode, etc. One parent asked me if she could call me late at night just in case she didn't know where her son was, and that emboldened me to do the same. We only did it once, but it felt good to know that I was supported in my worry and had someone I could call instead of just biting my fingernails at home alone. The kids complained about being "spied" on, but really, we were able to give them more independence because we felt there was a network of parents looking out for them. And ultimately, I think the kids eventually really did appreciate that we were just trying to protect them from harm, not spoil their fun. anon

To ''one of those moms''...keep up the good work and keep checking in with the parents of your teen's friends. It is a drag and somewhat akward to call parents you don't know but it is necessary. I tell my kids that I do trust them AND I want the opportunity to get to know the parents of their friends. Susan

Insist on calling. It's the only way to be absolutely sure about what's going on. You must be ''on the same page'' with other parents. I had two girls come over once and then around 8:30 p.m. they were leaving and I asked why. They said one of the girls' father was picking them up at the corner. I said OK. The next morning BOTH fathers called my house looking for their daughters. They had told their respective fathers they were spending the night at our house! So, they were out all night, no one knows where, doing what, or with whom. My daughter was left out of the loop of at least going with them. These girls were around 16 yrs old. So I made a pact with these dads and other parents to ALWAYS talk to each other when our children were making plans together. It freaks me out to think what could've happened that night. Unfortunately, one of the dads blamed me, but he was an unreasonable hothead in denial. Anyway, I vote for talking with other parents even if my child may experience some embarrassment. anon.

17-y-o drinking with friend - I don't know the parents

Sept 1999

I need to know how to talk to the parents of my son's friends when there is a problem. I know their names, but I don't know them. I am kind of a shy person, and I need to know what to say, and how to say it - I mainly just want to let them know about the problem. My son, nearly 17, seems to be experimenting with alcohol. On a rare trip into his room to fetch dirty laundry, I found an empty bottle of tequila that he took from the pantry months ago that I never missed. I asked about it, and he told me reluctantly that he and his friend had been drinking it over several weekends when the friend slept over. I had a long conversation with my son, and I feel OK about the outcome, but I feel that I should call the friend's parents and let them know about this. But I am really uncomfortable bringing it up, and I don't have any idea how to phrase it. I like their kid, and I don't want it to seem like I am blaming them - really I feel responsible for leaving liquor lying around. If it were the other way around, I would want the parents to let me know. So, does anyone have suggestions about how to word this? - Anonymous mom

In response to the parent who is shy about calling her son's friend's parents...I support you in making the call. It's very important that our teens know that their parents care about them, and that parents talk to each other.As you know partents have different values, and you have to be prepared for a response that may not fit with your concerns.But chances are the parent will be very happy that you called. When my oldest son was in BHS I was more "hands off" but I see now that it was a mistake. I would certainly want a call so I too could have a conversation with my son about his drinking.Many of our kids are experimenting with substances, and some of them are doing more and are in trouble. It's important to know the difference. Here's what I say, " Hi I'm so and so's mother and I understand our teens are friends.I have some information about some drinking they've been doing if you're interested in talking with me. You may then have to tell her not to reveal the source, depending on what you and your son have agreed on. Once she here's your concerns she can find a way to talk with her son, even if she doesn't use the specifics. I really have appreciated it when parents have kept me informed. As parents we all have our blind sponts, and of course we make many mistakes. If we would help each other more, our job would be a little easier. If the parent you call doesn't want to talk with you, then you had better keep a good eye out when your son hangs out with him. Good-luck and thanks for bringing up such an important issues. a mom

What I did in a similar kind of situation was tell the friends that I was going to speak with their parents, but would give them 48 hours to do so first. It worked pretty much to my satisfaction. -- Dana

Re: Calling friend's parents: First, we had the same experience with alcohol. Naively our cupboard was the wellspring for a good bit of drinking. Being low consumers of alcohol, the whisky kept for a once a year hot toddy or the vodka I use to soak a Christmas cake were gradually drained and replaced by colored water. Sadly, other parents often think it's your child who is corrupting theirs- in other words, everyone looks for who is the bad influence when the truth is they're all volitional most of the time. (It's hard to face our children's own desire to be wild or defiant or use drugs and alcohol.) My child told me that the 12 year old sister of his good friend (15) drank heavily. She was skating on the parent's fantasy that my child went over there and drank their beers. (Which he probably did from time to time.) How to tell them- Straight on. "I have some information I think might be helpful to you and you child. You may not like what I'm about to tell you but from the best of my knowledge I believe it's true and I would want to know from you if you knew anything you think I should know. I believe we have to support the kids by sticking together as parents." Then they'll have to do what they do.

And you have to decide what to do on your end. We decided to take matters into our own hands (even if only symbolically) and tell the kids that came here that the were not to touch any alcohol in this house. We kept an eye on how many beers were in the refrigerator and confronted my child if the numbers changed. (WHich they now and again seemed to do.) THe kids at least knew we were watching. Some people get rid of all the alcohol in their home. At times we just didn't have anything here. GOod luck. Be glad your kid told you.- WR

I realize (in hindsight of course) that talking directly to my child and my child's friend in an open, friendly atmosphere can alleviate certain problems. In high school, especially by the time your child is a junior, teenagers become very independent-thinking, and need to be talked to as reasonable adults. For example, invite your child's friend over for dinner, have a friendly open discussion about how you feel about teenagers drinking in your house, and bring up the ground rules, asking them to respect those ground rules. Don't lecture, but be friendly, and ask them what they think about many things, drinking in general, etc. Teenagers feel they don't need lectures from parents and they certainly don't want their parents calling their friends' parents with tales. However, alcohol consumption is serious, heavy and very prevalent at BHS (also at every other high school in the bay area, so we're not a special problem in that way). But close monitoring is necessary, and if it's truly serious, yes, you may have to call other parents to discuss the situation. I've talked with parents to gauge how they feel about their kids drinking, if they stay around on weekends when their kids have friends over, etc., and in this way try to get to know the parents better. I am not shy talking to other parents about my child or theirs for we share a very common bond, as parents of teenagers, and it's okay to ask for a parent's phone number, believe me, most parents understand the need, and you must get over shyness if your first concern is your child's ultimate safety and the safety of all his friends. It's important you network with other parents on those occasions when trouble occurs (your child may have a friend's personal phone number, not a parent's, so talking personally to a parent and getting their phone number is helpful). I think you should be up front with your son about calling a friend's parent when there's a problem so he can feel responsibility for your actions--if he continues to drink with his friend in your home, you will call the parent and let them know what's going on. If he knows your actions, his reaction won't be as awful should he find out you called without telling him, or forewarning him. So, my point here is to continue to communicate with your son directly about his responsibility and his interactions with his friends. I hope this is helpful to you. --jahlee

response to "anonymous" who was worried about how to approach the parents of the probably drinking buddy: You phrased it beautifully yourself. Take the last part of what you wrote here--the bit about feeling awkward and concerned, and say that first. Then say what you wrote first. You come across as caring, worried about being intrusive, and clear. Go for it. -- Betty

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