The next restriction is the one I love the most. Your new driver cannot drive between the hours of midnight and 5 am. unless there's a 25 year old in the car. This last a full year. In other words, there's a built in curfew-- much like Cinderella's coach turning into a pumpkin. I would have given my eye tooth to have had this restriction on my older son's license. Now, by 12:05 a.m. I hear that key in the door.

If your child decides not to abide by the 1st year limitations on the license he might get away with it, but then again he might be stopped for that burned out tail light and I believe he can lose the license. The DMV has a booklet explaining all this. It's a parent's handbook and available at the DMV office.

The bottom line is: it's the law. The law is the law, even when nobody else follows it. -Winifred

Provisional driver license restrictions during the first year 

The following new restrictions are for minors who apply after July 1,
1998, pass their driving test at DMV and are issued a provisional driver
license. 

During the first 6 months you are licensed to drive you must be
accompanied by a driver 25 years of age or older if you drive
between the hours of 12 a.m. and 5 a.m. or if you have passengers
under the age of 20 in the car at any time. 
During the second 6 months, you must still be accompanied by a
driver 25 years of age or older if you drive between the hours of 12
a.m. and 5 a.m., however, now you may have passengers under the
age of 20 in the car without supervision between the hours of 5 a.m.
and midnight. 

        The following new restrictions are for minors who apply after 
July 1, 1998, pass their driving test at DMV and are issued a 
provisional driver license.
        During the first 6 months you are licensed to drive you must 
be accompanied by a driver 25 years of age or older if you drive 
between the hours of 12 a.m. and 5 a.m. or if you have passengers 
under the age of 20 in the car at any time.
        During the second 6 months, you must still be accompanied by 
a driver 25 years of age or older if you drive between the hours of 
12 a.m. and 5 a.m., however, now you may have passengers under the 
age of 20 in the car without supervision between the hours of 5 a.m. 
and midnight.

Parental Rules & Guidelines

Teen contribution to car-related expenses

Wondering how other parents manage finances around their teen drivers, especially car insurance. We have two teens about to go on our (USAA) policy, a moderately expensive 18-year-old daughter and a very expensive 16-year-old son. This could add about $2000 a year to our policy, and we're wondering about asking them to contribute in some reasonable way. And how do other families handle related expenses - gas, upkeep? We think we should pay for school-related mileage but, by and large, have them cover other activities. Thanks for your feedback. Goin' mobile

Other ways - if they have good grades, be sure to report it, some companies (AAA for one) has a special program that the kids can complete and you get a discount. If your children are ever out of town for a month (or go to college), tell the insurance company asap. We only had to pay when our kids were home for over 30 days, so once ethey started college we basically only paid for the summers.

How we handled expenses: We bought an inexpensive but safe car for them to use and didn't put collision on it (we did put theft/vandalism on it and windows have been broken and stereos taken so that def. paid for itself) We got an older corolla for $2500 and its stil going strong, we didn't charge them for insurance and since they drove themselves to school, practice, etc. we covered that gas. They covered gas for their own social activities. We pay repairs. We didn't want them taking time and focus away from school and sports to get a job just to pay for gas, expenses. They didn't take the car to college, that insurance was too expensive. My son has now graduated from college and he is now responsible for all his car expenses, we gave him a little grace period until he had regular work and we did help him buy a decent car as part of his graduation gift. WE let him stay on our insurance policy though because it is much cheaper for him, but when he is 25 he will be able to find decent prices and will go off on his own then. Hope this helps.

You should shop around your insurance as well, you may find another carrier will give you better rates. Good Luck Teens are expensive~ once a teen mom

I've heard that another strategy is to have an old car specifically designated as mainly driven by the minor driver. But that didn't help us.

Our younger child pays 2/3 of the additional cost of being on our insurance, from proceeds of a summer job. It's convenient for us that she can drive herself. She uses our gas card and is supposed to pay us 30 cents per mile for non-school related driving but in practice it's too hard to track and keep current. That's my two cents' worth.

Cell phone and iPod usage for new drivers

I'm working on some very clear guidelines concerning driving behavior for our two kids, who are each about to become licensed drivers (our son is turning 15 1/2 and getting his permit; our daughter is two years older and finally feels ready for her license). I am especially interested in rules for cell phone and iPod usage, and would very much appreciate any guidelines that you have come up with in your family regarding the safe usage of these two ubiquitous items. Both kids are very trustworthy but neither has ever had this degree of freedom and/or responsibility; I want to create rules that are reasonable but keep everyone safe with eyes on the road. Texting is of course off limits. We have an older car without any fancy technology, so the kids would need to use hands-free ear buds with their phones. Is it realistic to tell them to pull over to use their phones? What are the consequences if you find out they've violated the rules? I'd like to get this right for the kids right out of the gate. Thanks for your suggestions. Wanting to put them in their own Sherman tanks

We don't think it is safe to drive while talking on the phone even hands free. It certainly isn't AS safe.

So our plan so far is to say if they can't resist using their phone while driving it should be turned off. They can turn it back on when they get to their destination.

We are planning to have a one-strike rule for violating any driving contract provisions. If they drive and text or use their phone, they lose driving privleges until they are 18 and buy their own car.

Somehow we all learned to drive and survived for most of our lives without having instant phone contact while driving. --future teen driver parent (gulp)

As to music, there are relatively inexpensive devices that can be purchased at Radio Shack or Target that allow an iPod or other MP3 player to use the car's stereo system to play music. Ours cost around $80 and we use it all the time. No need to use earbuds while driving, and again, it's not a good idea. Drivers are somewhat distracted by radio music, but at least they're likely to hear ambient sound (other cars, ambulances, horns, etc.) mom of an iPod addict

The new Wireless Communications Device Law (effective January 1, 2009) makes it an infraction to write, send, or read text-based communication on an electronic wireless communications device, such as a cell phone, while driving a motor vehicle.

Two additional laws dealing with the use of wireless telephones while driving went into effect July 1, 2008. The first law prohibits all drivers from using a handheld wireless telephone while operating a motor vehicle, (California Vehicle Code [VC] 23123). Motorists 18 and over may use a "hands-free" device. The second law effective July 1, 2008, prohibits drivers under the age of 18 from using a wireless telephone or hands-free device while operating a motor vehicle (VC 23124). Parent of teen driver

Teen Driving Contracts

Greetings - our daughter, now approaching her 17th birthday, will be taking her driving test in August and it is highly likely that she will pass her test and become a licensed driver. I'd like to ask what ''contracts'' other parents have put in place at this crucial juncture. Did you find a pre-written contract on line, and if so, where? Did you make up your own guidelines, and if so, would you mind sharing the key points? My daughter is very trustworthy but this is all brand-new territory for both of us and I want to give her very clear parameters from the outset. I'm interested in things that might be obvious (no texting while driving) to less so (be home by X pm) and I'm especially interested to learn about the things I may not be thinking of at all. Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom on this

I think you will find the most push-back around the teens driving teens rule, because it makes them all drive or all walk someplace...and truthfully, not all parents are sticklers about this. I don't care; the law's the law and even more importantly-- you are absolutely personally liable, if something were to happen while your teen was driving around another teen. You put yourself personally at enormous risk.

Our son has respected these rules and knows we mean business. We have told him that we will pick him up if he wants/needs to be out later than 11:00... but mostly he'd rather drive himself, so he shows up home on the dot at 11:00. This limits his freedom, sure, but truthfully, that's probably what the law was designed to do.

Those are the rules; if he wants to drive, then he must follow them. No second chances. It's not a toy.

You do have to recognize that there is an enormous learning curve for new drivers, though... nothing is intuitive yet, and really only comes from driving a lot, so it's important that he has a lot of opportunity to drive; and if he can do it a lot in the beginning when you are around (and you're not a super nervous passenger), you may have a chance to help pass on tips for good driving habits. - parent of teen driver

Many parents seem to be oblivious to the basic legal details of a the provisional license for any CA teen under 18 (see below). Even if you teen is 18 these make GOOD sense to follow for a year. It would make it much easier if ALL parents enforced this law!!

We have made it quite clear we don't care what other kids are doing you break the law you lose your driving privilege. 1st time- week, 2 time - month 3 time- a year. In the beginning we asked our son to text us when he got to where ever he was going and again before he started to drive home. Now that we have more confidence we do not ask for this each time. Of course no texting or talking on the phone EVER while driving or again he loses driving privileges.

*******************

Provisional driver license restrictions during the first year

After you pass your driving test, you will be issued a provisional driver license. With your provisional driver license, you must be accompanied and supervised by a licensed parent, guardian or other licensed driver 25 years of age or older, or by a licensed or certified driving instructor when you:

* Transport passengers under 20 years of age at any time, for the first twelve months.

* Drive between 11 pm and 5 am for the first twelve months.

This means you cannot give anyone under 20 years old (your friends, your brother(s), sister(s), cousin(s), etc.) a ride unless you have a licensed parent, a guardian or other adult 25 years old or older in the car with you. You are also not allowed to drive between 11 pm and 5 am during your first year after getting your license unless you have a licensed parent, a guardian or other adult 25 years old or older in the car with you.

With a provisional license, you can drive by yourself between the hours of 5 am and 11 pm. If you are under 18, you cannot be employed to drive a motor vehicle. Concerned parent of teenage boy

We did not have a Driving Contract because the Virginia State Laws for minors are strict with severe penalties. Virginia requires one semester of in class Drivers Education, 14 hours of driving with a licensed Driving Instructor, and 40 hours of adult supervised driving before a license is issued. The following rules apply to all drivers under the age of 18, based on statistical data for major causes of teen accidents:

1. Driving curfew is mid night (Cinderella license) unless proof is available for a school event or employment

2. Only ONE unrelated (non familial) occupant is allowed in the car with minor driving

3. NO texting or cell phone usage while driving

Our Household Rules:

1. Use of the car is a privilege earned by positive, trustworthy behavior and solid grades

2. Completion of Eagle Scout/Gold Award before car can be used for pleasure, the car can be used for employment and academic events while working on completion

3. When the car is in use, user must let parents know where the car/driver are (if the car/driver change location after departing home, a phone call reporting movement is required)

4. If the car is used for pleasure (non academic or employment related) gas must be paid for by the user

5. The car must be left neat and clean for the next user

6. The car keys must be left in a mutually convenient spot for all household members to retrieve when it is their turn to use the car

Thoughts on Insuring your teen driver:

Most car insurance companies require that you notify them when your teen has their Learners Permit. They generally do not charge premiums until they earn their full license. Check with your car insurance company for their Teen Driving Contract. I have heard some insurance companies (State Farm) require the teen to complete a ''driving knowledge'' packet before they will insure them, this may vary by state.

Most insurance companies will offer a ''Good Student'' discount and/or Eagle Scout/Gold Award discount. This discount will continue through college with proof of grades by transcript submission.

When your teen leaves for college don't forget to report this change to your car insurance carrier. If your student does not take a car to college and lives more than an hour away from home (distance will vary by state) their premium could be reduced. tryin2help

Hi My son(16) has his permit and hopes to get his drivers license in a couple of months. I was wondering about how others have approached this scary prospect...in terms of financially and rules....who pays for the insurance? gas? rules around riding with other minors, consequences for mis-use. other issues that i should be thinking about?! thanks kindly audrey

Insurance is a necessity and the rate is high for male teenagers because they are more likely to have accidents. Parents differ about who pays for the insurance and gas. I made my son pay for both. That energized him to get some paid work during the summers to pay for the insurance. Also, he knew that if he had an accident or got a ticket, his insurance cost would go even higher. He definitely didn't want that!

I see no problem with the parent covering gas costs, but I really think the teenager needs to start understanding that insurance costs--though high--could be higher based on his behavior. If he doesn't pay for insurance, he might not care that much about it. Anonymous

Careful. The DMV didn't know that it was legal for my daughter (17) to drive my son (15) to school.

The guy who gave her the driving test said emphatically ''absolutely no one under 20 in the car'' - ''no exceptions''.

He was wrong. I printed out the exceptions to the rule and presented it to a supervisor at the Claremont Ave DMV so she could inform the department.

The rules can be found here: http://www.dmv.ca.gov/teenweb/dl_btn2/dl.htm

scroll to bottom of screen and click on 'exceptions'. mike

I have an about-to-be-16 year old son, who will soon be getting his driver's license. He is a careful driver, good grades, and hasn't done anything startlingly bone-headed in the last year. We've been talking, endlessly, about good judgement wrt driving, and before he goes for the driver test, I'd like to put all of this down on paper and have him, his father and me sign it.

Has anyone written a ''contract'' with their new driver that lays out your family's rules for driving? I'm thinking about issues like use of the family car, who is responsible for the costs associated with driving the car, and (obviously) consequences for breaking either the family's rules or California law (especially with respect to underage passengers!) Thanks, a Mom trying to anticipate issues...

I think it's available for free by emailing a request to kids@calbar.ca.gov. Include your name, mailing address, phone number, and number of copies you want.

If you make sure that your already responsible teen knows that an automobile can be a lethal weapon and he is responsible for far more than just himself and the car, it will make a big impression. Make sure he understands that a terrible accident can cause a lifetime's worth of guilt and possible financial ruin. This is a time when I think scare tactics make sense as a 16 year old has never had to think about actions/consequences in such a major way before.

We had to point out to our 19 year old, away at college, that the potential consequence of his getting into an accident in a borrowed underinsured car, could be the loss of all his college funds if he were to be sued. These are things young people have not had to think about, no matter how responsible they are. anon

www.dps.state.mn.us/dvs/DriverLicense/Graduated%20DL/Teen%20Driver%20Contract.pdf

Mary-Ellis

When Should Teens Start Driving?

18 year old does not want a driver's license

For a couple of years (to prepare her) we have been telling our just graduated daughter that she needs to get her driver's license this summer, before leaving for college. We feel it is a safety issue more than anything, especially since she is female. She is extremely resistant and says that it is scary. (She was this way with riding a bike and other 'new' skills.) We have explained that she may be in a situation that she needs to get out of, drive someone to a doctor/hospital, or drive when her friends have been drinking. We have also said that just because she has a license it doesn't mean she has to drive, she just needs to be able to. She has had a lesson from a professional teacher and we have taken her to Alameda Naval Station (a GREAT place to learn) and she has made much progress in 3 hours of driving. There are moments when she actually seems to be okay with it. I am wondering if we are making a mistake by forcing this. I am hoping that at some point in the next few years she will see the value in this skill and decide that she wants to do it. Any thoughts from others who have faced this? Are we setting her up to be so resistant that she will never want to be a driver? HELP!! anonymous

One more tip. When it came time for my son to take the driving test for his license, we had a professional teacher take him. He took the test in the driving school car (an automatic, we had a standard transmission). The teacher was familiar with the neighborhood around the DMV and prepped him before the exam.

At 28, my son is one of few of his friends that has no desire to own a car but he is a competent driver and is glad I pushed him to get his license.

Also, my son, now 17, hates to be the designated driver. His friends know that he will not drink so they depend on him to drive them to and from the parties.

Let your daughter wait until she is ready. Do you know the statistics for deaths due to automobile accidents? David

In the end, I got my drivers license at 36 because I moved somewhere with bad public transportation. I didn't regret all the years of using public transportation, but I sure kicked myself for not having given myself the option of driving years earlier.

Not to scare you, but there were several close calls in college and after (being followed home from a bus stop by a threatening guy), instances of men aggressively trying to get me in their car, groping, friends not being reliable (passing out, leaving without me) and having to walk home alone in the wee hours (and having people offer me rides so I'd be safe, which I of course declined). Having the option of driving would have been great. And now they have zip cars you can reserve online.

I hope my experiences can help your daughter realize she will be empowering herself if she has the *option* of driving. Best to you all! Former non-driver

18+ years old and learning to drive

My son is 17 years old and hasn't taken any steps to get a drivers license yet. School and all his activities are in Oakland, Berkeley, or San Francisco and he's perfectly happy walking or taking bus/BART. I have no doubt that he will eventually want to drive, so I don't mind waiting, however I don't understand how somebody 18+ years old learns to drive. If he's 18 when he starts, can he still get a driver's permit in order to practice driving? Also, I've been told that teenagers who are 16 years old with driver's permits can practice while covered on their parents' insurance. Is that still the case for wannabe drivers 18 or older? Any advice about this would be greatly appreciated. - in no rush to share the family car

When should 17 year old start driving?

Would love feedback from this wise group on the following: our daughter, soon to be 17 1/2, does not yet have her driver's license, and I'm wondering what position to take on this issue. A little backstory: when she turned 15 1/2, she expressed interest in driving, got her permit, took the behind the wheel training, and then did not pass her DMV driving test on the first and only try. Since then, much less interest. She's got a full plate with academics and athletics and is pre-occupied with that; she has me to drive her as needed so another lack of motivation. A little more: Her younger sibling is about to get his permit and is very anxious and motivated to drive, so he will be at the wheel shortly. Who knows how she will receive that? And my husband wants her to drive, to be more independent and better prepared to leave the nest. He's pretty assertive about that and thinks I'm doing her a disservice by not encouraging her more actively. As for me: I am a pretty cool customer, but the thought of my kids driving just strikes terror in me. Although I've tried to be a good teacher, I'm sure I'm communicating my dread to my daughter. What can I say? She's had the 6 requisite hours with a professional teacher; that was quite some time ago. Question: do I wait for her to be more ready, more motivated? Do I encourage her, put her behind the wheel now whenever possible? In the past, I've waited until my kids were developmentally ready to tackle big challenges. The bottom line: I want her to be an outstanding driver, safe at all times. I know she really needs the practice and to move on with this. When to make this happen? How to get her back behind the wheel with confidence? thanks for your feedback

On the other hand, with my own kids, I think of driving much like swimming: Even if you don't plan to do it much, you should definitely know how. What if she is out with friends and one is incapacitated in some major or minor way that prevents him or her from driving? My son has had his learner's permit for 3.5 months and is still little anxious to get behind the wheel. So, we are taking it slowly and we'll let him test for his license when he is ready, not when he turns 16 on the dot.

If I were you, I would start setting time aside to take your daughter out driving (assuming her permit is still valid?) and help her hone her skills and build confidence. She can take the test when she is 18 without all the driver's training stuff and provisional permit considerations anyway. It could be a great 18th birthday present to herself. Maybe push it a little and see what happens. Sometimes kids need the gentle push from their parents. It lets them know that we have confidence in them.

Why did I push it? Like you, I am terrified about my kid driving. Also like you, I don't like to push kids to do things they aren't ready for developmentally. In this case, though, I feel strongly that driving is a life skill that a person has to have, and I would much rather my teen learn at home, when I can drive with him, explain things to him, and (hopefully) instill good habits. If he didn't get his license before he left for college, I didn't want him going off and doing it alone as an 18-year-old adult. There was recently an article in the NY Times about teen drivers http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/18/new-lessons-to-pave-a-road-to-safety/?scp=4&sq=teen%20drivers&st=cse that states the importance of parents ''narrating'' what they do as they are driving: scanning the road, being on the lookout for pedestrians, pointing out unsafe driving. I want to do as much as I can while he's still living at home. Anon

Son wants to drive now; I want him to wait till he's 18

My son just turns 16. He has been asking me for taking driving lessons in the past few months. I have told him repeatedly that he has to wait until he is 18. My reasons are that 16 is too young to own a car and drive. I have read a few articles that teenagers brains will not be fully developed until it's 18. More importantly, my son is a follower, he is immature and not street smart in certain things. Not alone the cost of a car, insurance, maintenance and gas. (I am a single mom and his Dad is out of the picture). We live 5 minutes from his high school and there is no reason for him to drive. Parking at the high school is almost impossible in the morning. I am always available to take him here and there on weekends. However, all his best hang-out friends (5-6 of them) are taking lessons together and start driving. He feels embarrassed and left out and depressed. He said I don't understand him as much as other parents understand their child. He said he can take the lessons together with his friends and not drive until 18. What shall I do? Let him or stick to my principal. Please advice. Thank you.
worried single mom

In the process of all this, he might well gain some maturity. If he still wants to own a car, you can have him research costs like insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. to convince him that it's just not practical for him now to own a car.

I think if all his friends are really doing the driver's ed thing and you won't let him, then he'll build up a lot of resentment against you that could take years to dissipate.

Good luck. Dianna

My daughter is almost 16 and is very mature for her age. She is a focused, ambitious student and athelete. She currently has her driving permit and has logged over 40 hours of driving time with me. While she completely trustworthy and responsible, she needs alot more practice before I feel like she'll be safe to drive alone. Fifty hours over six months (the amount of time legally required to drive with a parent before taking the test) seems to me to be the MINIMUM time required for these kids to learn to drive safely. There is alot to learn-- anticipating other drivers, judging stopping distances, estimating the time needed to cross an intersection safely, deciding when to stop (or not stop) at a yellow light, merging onto highways and into fast-moving traffic, watching for pedestrians/ bikes, etc.. In addition, kids often don't know how to drive to places they've been going to for years. Learning all this just takes time.

I would advise you to go ahead and let your son get his permit at 16. Then if you don't let him get his license until he's 18, at least he'll have well developed driving skills by the time he does start to drive by himself.

Just as a side note: It is my understanding that one must take the driving test within one year of getting the permit. So if you do let him get his permit, but are not planning to let him get his license within the year, he will probably have to re-take the written test. bhovers1

Daughter says EVERYONE is getting a car at 16

My almost-15-year-old girl assured me yesterday that EVERYONE she knows will get a car when she or he is 16. (Because she knows one 15-year-old who's learning to drive and who says he'll have a car soon.) I reiterated that she may take driver safety, or whatever it's called, at Berkeley High when she's old enough, driving lessons when she's old enough, etc., but that she may not have a car until she's at least 18 and able to pay for it herself.

At this point, her assertions appear to simply be a statement of her need to feel independent, but I did start wondering what other parents do about driving. Melanie

How do you enforce the "New Driver" rules?

I know that this was covered in part in a previous discussion on the website, but how have other parents dealt successfully with the restrictions on new teen drivers when all of the other parents of your teen's friends do not abide by the rules? We had my son wait until he turned 17 to get his license, since he was older than many of his classmates and we didn't want him to be the only one of his group driving as a sophomore. We feel fairly confident in his around-town driving skills, but are determined to stick by the "no passengers under 20" rule - for his safety as well as for theirs, and for our insurance liability. However, as his friends/classmates are turning 16, not one of their parents seem to insist upon this rule, which puts us at a disadvantage in enforcing this law. He is currently sharing one of the family cars, and it seems that most of his friends were handed a car the day they received their licenses (another point of contention for him), which must also make it harder for the parents to keep track of what is going on.

Short of calling all of the parents of his friends and asking for cooperation (which would embarrass him and I'm not sure we'd get anywhere with this), and short of forbidding him to step in a car with a friend who just received his/her license (although we are pointing out the reasoning behind the rule and the dangers involved) and continuing to do what we have been doing (offering to drive him, his girlfriend, his friends to places any chance we can), what other suggestions do parents have? If a teen is caught driving other teens during the six month period, does he/she get the license taken away until age 18 ... really? It would help to know that there is this heavy clout, and to use it as an example. Or do the cops let them off with a mere warning, as all of his friends and their parents seem to think?

It sure would help if every parent played by the same set of rules (the *law* in this case!), but I guess that would be wishing for too much...

- (anonymous, please)

The actual enforcement of the law was a bit problematic. I don't think the cops come down super hard about it, and usually give warnings rather than citations. We gave our son two warnings when it seemed to us that he was not abiding by our rules. The third time he was driving with another friend in the car and we found out, we took away all driving privileges for a week. This meant he had to take the bus to school and to after-school sports practice, as well as to and from an after-school tutor (to Kensington from BHS, then home to south Berkeley). We told him if he broke the rules again he would lose the privilege until the time that it would be legal to drive with friends in the car, which was three months in the future.

This worked well for our son. I think he was actually under pressure from other kids to ignore the restriction, since so many other families don't enforce it. Our drawing the line in such a public way took him off the hook and enabled him to abide by the rules without losing face socially, and helped him realize we were serious about the rule.

Please keep me anonymous so my kid won't be embarrassed. Thanks.

I handled it by having a long talk with him about money. We went over the facts. I explained to him that insurance companies do not have to pay if he was driving illegally at the time of an accident. I showed him the hospital bill from the day he was born, to let him see how expensive it is. I let him know his friends would have to sue him to pay such outrageous bills. But the key fact was to let him know that all these horrible things could happen even if he was not at fault. The fact is 2 out of 3 California drivers are out there with no insurance. They have no way to pay-it is up to him to protect himself.

I know a 16 year old girl that got a speeding ticket and an extra ticket for breaking the provisional rules. She was given a very high fine. $400. She had her license taken away for 2 weeks and had to do 50 hours of community service. This just happened a few months ago. Word out there is the police and judges are starting to take the rules more seriously than in the past.

Good luck. AJF

Parents' Anxiety about Teen Drivers

Managing my own anxiety as daughter learns to drive

Hi - I'd love some advice on the following: I need to find ways to manage my own anxiety as my daughter learns to drive. She's 16 1/2, has her permit, would like her license, and needs more time at the wheel. I find myself so nervous when she's driving, and I'm sure I'm communicating that, despite my efforts to appear relaxed. The other day, she was driving, and in two situations, merged into the lane of traffic without looking at whether she in fact needed to yield, and I thought I would just have a nervous breakdown. Fortunately of course, it was light traffic and no one was nearby, but it was scary. She's a great kid, competent, trustworthy, and up until now, in my parenting, I've been trusting, encouraging of appropriate risk-taking, and generally pretty relaxed. But not now, not with this. She needs the practice and I need to get myself together to give her more driving time, and to make sure she has all the support and training necessary to become an outstanding, safe driver. Any suggestions? Freaked but maintaining

Personal dread at daughter's driving

Our daughter is turning sixteen in a few short weeks and is very excited at the prospect of getting her driver's license. She has her learner's permit, has completed the six-hour behind-the-wheel training course and is now accumulating the hours she needs to be eligible to take her driver's exam early next year. She is a very grounded, mature, responsible young adult. She takes her school work seriously, gets great grades, earns money babysitting, is not remotely what one could consider a party animal. She looks forward to the freedom of movement and self-determination that driving will permit (don't we all?). I know we will create a contract and that I will know where she is at all times and that she won't be heading off somewhere unaccounted for, and I know when the time comes she will be a highly trained driver. Here is the issue: I am just terrified of the prospect of her at the wheel. I do a ton of driving, I see so many idiots on the road, I have lived long enough to have out-lasted a lot of people, and I think if something bad happened to my daughter I would just stop breathing. So this post is really about me and not her; and I could use some advice about how to handle my own feelings about her increased independence and the risks involved; I don't want my own anxiety to poison the whole well here for either of us in this area. To make matters more real, my best friend lost her twenty-one-year-old son about two years ago, and we are all still in mourning, and that no doubt colors my sensibilities in this regard. I trust my daughter, I just don't trust the world she is entering, and this is the first time in her almost-sixteen years in the world that I feel completely out of control and not in charge of her safety. Would really welcome some words of wisdom here. Scared like never before

You've raised a child that in your words is ''a very grounded, mature, responsible young adult. (Who) takes her school work seriously, gets great grades, earns money babysitting, is not remotely what one could consider a party animal.'' That means that she has an excellent foundation for making good decisions, and has at the very least, the rudimentary ability to keep herself safe. This is what every teen needs.

My son, like your daughter is a mature, grounded teen, who got his license a few months ago so I know your anxiety. We are having him do a computer course, Teen Smart, from Adept Drivers, and this has further improved his skills, especially at awareness of what is happening on the road beside, and in back of him. Passing this course also gives you a AAA discount on insurance.

Consider expressing your concerns to your daughter in a straight forward way, when you are calm. Discuss the death of your friend's son and how this impacting you, and your goals, both for yourself and your daughter, as she as moves out into the world. mom of new driver

My second thought is, the flip side of terror is gratitude. Every day you and your child inhabit this world together is precious; you never know whether today might be the last one. So you could worry about what may be gone tomorrow, or you could enjoy what's here today. John

He got a speeding ticket after 3 months doing 80 on 580, which was an expensive and good lesson for him (he paid for it and also did traffic school).

I dont' know how to ease your dread. I know that trusting your daughter to be a conscientious driver is only half of it. You just can't controll the rest so maybe you just have to let go and trust, pray, try to be more positive? Wait till she goes to college, if you think you're worried NOW!!! My best to you. Just know you are not alone in these feelings. mom of 18 yo driver ,in college.

My heart melted when I read your post. I also have a teen daughter, just turned 16, and currently in the process of completing her practice hours so that she can take a driving test.

Just this morning I took her out to drive and we had a scary moment where she found herself in busy traffic in a potentially dangerous situation. Once she pulled over and cried about it she said to me: I don't like it when you yell (and I wasn't actually yelling, but she experienced my reaction that way), but when I'm in a scary situation I WANT you to tell me what to do. It was a good reminder that she is still just a child and needs direction from me when she is in an unknown situation.

So, my advice to myself, now that you've given me the opportunity to reflect on my own feelings about this, is the following: I'll feel the need to set logical limits on her driving in the first 6 mos. She'll push back and complain about them, but truth is she'll be relieved to not find herself in a scary situation without her mom sitting next to her to help guide her out of it. This new learning leap she is taking behind the wheel has been a great way to be close with her, to watch as she takes fearful steps forward (a great reminder of when she was learning to walk). And then, at a certain point, I learn to let go and let her live her life, take risks, and meet her challenges using the resources that I've given her. I survived my teenage years, driving, experimenting, roaming, goofing-off, somehow with only the common sense that I had already been given.

As parents, we'll need to take these feelings to our friends or spouse/partner, cry about it, lament, remember our own early years when we took risks. At some point we'll begin to rediscover the boundaries between where our child/emerging-adult ends and we begin, and we can begin to let go. I'm with you on this one. Reach out to others as you have, and let's get through it together. We love our kids, and we want to see them live full lives. But we'll have to let go, within reason, to be able to see them fly away. roia

I'm worried my son is not ready to be a driver

Need advice, suggestions, recommendations and support re:whether my 15 yr. old son should get his license, starting with a permit, and what would be the best way for him to be taught to drive if and when I feel he is responsible enough to start the process. As a single mom, I don't feel this is something I would feel confident teaching him, and I worry about him speeding, wrecking the car, etc. He has trouble focusing, remembering his things, and thinks rules are made to be broken. How have other parents handled this? Advice, suggestions appreciated. bd

When the day does come, I found a driving school on the internet that caters to kids with learning and attention problems and doesn't cost a huge amount more than the others. (Don't remember its name, sorry.)