Very unhappy 17-year-old son

My son is turning 17 yrs old shortly. I see him going through this depression, hopefully not suicidal, but it is affecting him and us a great deal. He is so unhappy and he says he has no purpose in life. He feels bored all the time. He says this feeling of boredom is very serious and me and his dad do not understand. We have been trying to talk to him every day but I am afraid he needs more help than we can give him? I thought of a teen counselor or a therapist, anyone knows a good one? Anyone has other suggestions? Please anything can help! My husband and I are getting deperate and we have 2 younger boys also, one of them is mentally impared! we are spreading ourselves thin!

Anxiety medication for 13 year old?

We are thinking of agreeing to give our son medication for his anxiety. A behavioral pediatrician recommended it because his anxiety is effecting his peer relations and our home life quite a bit. Does any one have experience with the SSRIs or other anxiety meds? What are/were the side effects and what are the benefits? anxious parent

This is a really weird site, but also has some interesting info if you can take what you need and leave the rest. It's postings by people on perscription medications. http://www.crazyboards.org. You don't have to join or say anything, just read. There are others, I couldn't remember the addresses, but there must be some tamer ones out there reluctant to go on the meds

Anxious 11-year-old wants a therapist

Hi, My 11 year old son has recently asked me to see a therapist. He is insecure and and has learning difficulties. He is quite talkative but has had anxiety issues in the past. He is now complaining about fears he can't get out of his head when he is going to sleep and feels he needs ''to get alot talking out of hisself''. I am looking for a therapist in the oakland or south berkeley area who has experience with kids and anxiety issues. I am pretty anti medication and am looking for a wholistic approach as I do not trust giving SSRI's to children. Please don't debate me on this one. I just want recommendations for therapists.Thanks for any help. worried mom

I strongly recommend Michelle Horton, Ph.D. (985-2958). She is a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with kids like yours, does great work in therapy with them and is an expert in learning and emotional issues -- which are often quite interconnected. She's located on College Ave. near Broadway, which fits your geographic desires. She also can recommend other options or therapists who may fit your needs.

Feel free to skip what follows, but I will offer four brief comments. First, 11 (middle school) is an age at which problems often rise to the surface, even if they've been present earlier.

Second, anxiety may originate in biology, experience or both, and may (or may not) be a symptom of a more involved psychiatric condition. That said, starting with a psychologist/therapist is the right course of action. Just don't assume this is necessarily as straightforward as it may first look.

Third, it's likely that you, and your son, will be misunderstood, objectified, criticized and dismissed -- by family, friends and/or especially the school system. ''Bad parenting'' is the usual script. Too many who should know better, or be more compassionate, are ignorant and judgmental. Don't accept that or let it make you crazy.

Finally, I respect your request for no debate on medications. I do encourage you to keep an open mind, and to make a decision after discussing the subject if it arises. A competent professional will be respectful of your views and will explain theirs objectively, leaving any decision to you.

I wish you well. Been there...

Depressed 15-year-old daughter

Hi, My daughter is 15 yrs old and has been on Effexor for about 8 months. She has been taking 75 mg and it made a huge difference. She had been cutting herself and had thoughts of suicide. My two sisters (ages 39 and 44 yrs) have suffered from depression since their teen years and are both now on Effexor and actually recommended it for my daughter. But now my daughter feels 75 mg is not enough and she feels "self-destructive" so I called the psychiatrist and he is putting her on 150 mg. Beyond the extreme behavior of cutting, it is hard for me to distinguish "regular" teen issues and problems with depression. I find myself going easy on her because I don't want to make the depression worse or cause her to cut. But I also feel kids have so much more today than we ever had and they are still struggling and huge numbers have depression. What's going on???Also, does anyone have real good information on Effexor, I asked the psychiatrist if it was safe giving a 15 yr old 150 mg and he felt it was fine. But he's not real talkative or supportive. I hope to find a new psychologist that can prescribe meds and counsel. a dad

Angry 13-year-old says he thinks of dying every day

Our 13 year old son is very beligerent these days. Last nite, our son told us that he thinks about dying every day. As we tried to talk to him about this he claimed that he has a religion/belief system that is secret; that he has had it since he was born; that this belief system is what keeps him from killing himself. We were horrified. He says that we don't know who he is. When we ask him to tell us who he is, he refuses. We are very alarmed and think this may be a sign that he needs some help. We do not know where to go for help. He is a very sensitive kid, who keeps repeating that he has alot of anger inside and that he has had to bottle up his feelings all his life and can't let his feelings out. Any suggestions. I am thinking that some sort of teen group where he could see other kids talk about feelings might help. Please help!!! Scared Parents

It sounds to me like your son needs some help fast. Some resources might be:

If you have medical insurance see if it offers any mental health care. Call and ask to speak to someone who works with teens.

Talk to your son's physician, he/she may be able to refer to a psychologist or someone who could talk to your son. Or the physician might be able to help you evaluate the situation.

If you are a UC Berkeley faculty or staff member CARE Services over at the Tang Center might be able to help you evaluate the situation, and help you find someone to help your son (this resource is only for UC Berkeley folks though).

Another idea might be to call Berkeley Mental Health and see if they can refer you to someone who is familiar with teens and their issues.

And you can always just check the previous postings from this parent's list to get names of therapists etc. who are good with teens. There are lots of people in this area who are experienced in this area, and many of them have a sliding scale if cost is an issue.

It can frequently be very difficult to tell when a teen is "just being a teen", and when they really need some help. From your posting, I would encourage you to take your son's comments seriously, and have a professional check things out. Getting some help could make all the difference in your son's life. Best of luck, Anonymous

Also, make certain she has the phone number of the Suicide Prevention & Crisis Intervention Service for your county. Alameda County's is: 510 849-2212.

Parental Stress may also be of help to you at: 510 893-5444

Be calm & take this issue very seriously.

Holliday

I would definitely continue to take your daughter's talk and signals seriously. As the mother of two "middle-aged" to "old" teenagers, I have not heard anything at all to indicate that saying one is depressed or is considering suicide is a fashionable attitude that kids "try on."

As one who has personally battled several serious episodes of depression since young adulthood, here is what I have learned the hard way - I need medicine, and I believe that is true of many, most, or even all clinically depressed people. Modern anti-depressive medication has made me myself again. (I have taken Effexor and Wellbutrin, not at the same time, of course - both work well for me, with no side effects to speak of.)

I have had talk therapy too, and while it was a positive experience, I don't believe now that it actually pulled me out of my first terrible episode of depression, which went on for well over a year. I believe now that what happened was that over time my body was able to heal the physical illness that causes depressive episodes.

In the meantime, the talk therapy was the supportive care that kept me alive while my body battled the disease - it kept me from suicide, so it certainly worked to that extent! But even so my suffering during that time was terrible, and it was again in subsequent episodes until I tried medication. With medication, one doesn't have to suffer; one's life and work don't have to fall apart.

I urge you to talk to your pediatrician and to the therapist about trying medication. Your daughter might or might not feel that taking anti-depressives will stigmatize her, or will be a scary confirmation that she is really sick, but if she is clinically depressed, her life is at stake, literally.

As a wizened old survivor, I know that suicide is " a permanent solution to a temporary problem." But not all young people understand that.

Take it very seriously. Better to overreact than live with regrets and if-onlys. The sad truth is that you must face the reality that your child may try to take her own life, and may succeed despite all you try to do. It is better to face this than to avoid it. Once faced, you can go on with the here and now.

Do you have friends to talk to? It is not something to hide or be ashamed of, and talking to a sympathetic friend, relative, or minister can help give you perspective and ease the burden you carry each day.

You didn't mention drug treatment (e.g. antidepressants). Consider it. This is no time to be a drug-free purist.

Finally, love her. Simply love her.

Their programs include outpatient clinical services and adolescent mental health services at the Berkeley High School Health Center. Contact

Family, Youth and Children's Services
1925 Derby Street
Berkeley, CA 94704
(510) 644-6617 Telephone
(510) 644-6021 Fax
(510) 644-6915 TDD

I've been thinking lately about the role of PMS in my life over the last 37 years. I think menstruation and PMS need to be talked about more openly and seriously rather than being joked about as they so often are. They need to be brought out of the closet as has been menopause. Over the years I have been severely depressed, suicidal (even attempting to take my own life at one point), and full of rage. But it's only been lately that I've seen VERY CLEARLY the connection between my moods and my monthly cycle. The majority of my cycles begin with about 5 days of extreme sadness with lots of weeping, rage at everyone and everything, feelings of despair and hopelessness, and seemingly uncontrollable lashing out at people around me, not to mention the physical symptoms - headaches, backaches, and cramps. The emotional symptoms are more intense for me than the physical. This 12 times per year for the last 37 years - since I was 11. I wish that I had had someone to tell me from the beginning that this was hormonal, that I was not crazy, that this is not who I am , that it will pass, that I could get relief from it. But menstruation was not talked about in my family - it was a private thing. I learned about it from a film shown during girl scouts. It's only been fairly recently that I've learned to "hide" for a few days, to talk sense to myself, and to put my family on "PMS alert".

I realize that there are other causes for depression, that there is depression that lasts for long periods of time, that boys and men get depressed. But it seems to me that if you feel your emotions and body are beyond your control and you don't have a clear understanding of why it's happening, that can contribute to feelings of being crazy, that something is seriously "wrong with me", leading to issues of self-esteem and more generalized depression? I don't know, I'm no doctor, but this seems to have applied in my case.

Not having a teenage daughter (I have a teenage son), but having been one and having known many, I know that the combination of bad PMS and the typical life issues that teenage girls deal with can be incredibly intense. Girls need to be observed closely to see if there's a connection between their monthly cycles and their behavior, and then helped through these times by supportive adults. Let them know that they're not crazy, that this is not who they are, that this will pass, that they can weep on your shoulder, that they are still loveable. Get them medical help if necessary.

A few more thoughts on this. Please think back over your child's life to see whether he/she has had any kind of illness with very high fever, including but not limited to meningitis, encephalitis, measles or whether he/she has had any kind of injury to the head. With either of these situations, the child might have sustained some brain injury. People with brain injury CAN have depression as a side effect. The treatment for this kind of depression is quite different from other forms of depression. Please be aware that many doctors and even many neuropsychologists are unaware of the possible connection between childhood brain injury (from disease or injury) and adult depression. However, you can contact Cai Johnson and Children's Hospital. She is a pediatric neuropsychologist and knows of this possible connection. Testing is required to determine whether a particular person's depression is connected with childhood brain injury (of course, I would assume there has to be a history of such injury before anyone would do such testing).

Also, Sat. Aug 12, there is a special training for parents of teens from 10 am to 12 noon, through PLI (Parents Leadership Institute). The price is quite reasonable. PLI made the difference between day and night in my relationship with my daughter.

There is another amazing resource, especially if your teen is 18 or older. It called Recovery Inc. and is a self-help group, somewhat like 12-Step programs, only more structured and more practical (in my PERSONAL opinion). It is meant specifically help people deal with every day life, especially people with depression, anxiety, etc. It is common sense put into a method. The person who referred me to it commented, "And there's nothing so uncommon as common sense." If your teen is under the age of 18, someone else can go to the meetings (no charge! you can give a donation at the end of the meeting IF you want and can), and then work with the teen. There is a book used in Recovery entitled Mental Health Through Will Training. That is the book used n the meetings, and it is useful to read the book at home.

Meg

(recommendations for Sea Scouts)

We faced a similar situation with our daughter when she was in seventh grade at King. Things slid from bad to worse, and were not helped when she wanted to handle various situations on her own, without parental support, or interference, and soon began to lie to try to patch her realities together, and cover her mistakes. (No one suggested that she was ADD, however.)

She skipped 3 years in math, and then failed. We had death threats from other students on the answering machine. Mostly, she was depressed, scared and uninterested in anything in her life.

Our public schools have a lot to offer for those who can navigate their way through them. Our daughter could not.

Happily, after a year in a liberal, artsy private school, and supportive counseling, we have our daughter back. She writes, takes photos, sews, climbs, has constructive friendships, and talks with us about what's on her mind. She's increasingly involved in her academic subjects, and is beginning to define what she wants academically. Math is back on track. Sometimes it's stormy, but she is engaged in life, trying her wings, and learning to fly.

(Recommendations for: private schools and Academic & College Counselors)

Has anyone had experience with antidepressants being prescribed for teen agers? My daughter's therapist has brought this up as a possibility. I can see lots of potential problems with this. Perhaps also some benefits. But I have no knowledge or experience. I would welcome feedback from people who have had experience with this. Thanks.

I know your fear and feelings of helplessness to see your child depressed and talking of suicide. It was so hard to see my 12 year old in that place. If you want, I can ask him if he has any advice to give your daughter and get back to you. My advice to you is just keep giving her lots of love and support, and keep talking with her. Even if you don't think she is listening, she is hearing you deep inside, and it does make a difference.

I'd advise you to take the diagnosis seriously, as depression can severely affect judgement and concentration, as well as inhibiting consideration of long-range plans or consequences. It's apparently fairly common in adolescents, especially in girls. If not treated it could get worse and she could wind up with significant problems. Treatment is usually accompanied by psychotherapy, though I assume that's how you got the original diagnosis. If you want more information a quick web search on 'Prozac', 'Zorloft' or 'Depression' will provide a wealth of information.