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Teens and Computer Use

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Daughter posted on Craigslist erotic service

Oct 2007

Hi, Please help! My daughter posted herself on Craigslist for erotic services. We saw it accidentally on the computer while she was out of the house. We have not spoken about it to her and are at loss about what to do next. She is only 17 and has been a ''good girl'' and a good student. We do not have a lot of money, tru, but we have always had values. She has been saying lately how she wants to have an expensive car and designer clothes and move out soon. She works part time in a restaurant and now this! Any ideas are welcome. Thank you. Martha


Re: Craigslist
I would approach your daughter and ask her about it. You don't have to panic or freak out, just tell her what you noticed and ask her about it. It might be a (foolish) way to explore her sexuality and independence. It might be a sign of emotional problems. It might be a joke or dare. Let her tell you what it means. Craigslist is an awesome onine community, but there are a lot of weirdos out there, and they all have access to the internet, and just like myspace or facebook or match.com....you can pretend to be anyone. Good luck.
I want to first applaud you for writing to UCB Parents of Teens and reaching out for some support. It really shows how much you care about your daughter and your deep wish to handle this in the best way.

Unfortunately, this situation is something I'm seeing more and more of in my private practice: young girls who have decided that its ''not a big deal'' to trade sexual activity/performance for money, clothes or some kind of remuneration. This is connected to what many are beginning to understand as the rise ''raunch culture,'' where performative sexuality (sex like the porn stars seem to have) has become the ideal against which sexual ''openness,'' and ''sexiness'' itself is being measured.

It is also, more unfortunately, connected to the intense status anxiety that high school students feel. It's not unusual--especially when teens have such frequent and intense exposure to the material ''goodies'' of celebrity culture--for teen girls to think that trading sexual services for material goods is just another way to get them the status symbols they desire.

There are some very complicated issues involved here. The persons or people your daughter may come into contact with may be committing a crime by being involved with her. It is against the law in California (where the age of consent is 18) to engage in “sexual activity” with a person under the age of 18. In some cases, the activities or behaviors your daughter chooses may also constitute child abuse or exploitation.

There may be underlying mental health issues that are driving your daughter's choices to engage in this kind of activity, including depression, anxiety or past negative sexual experiences (willing or unwilling). Being a ''good'' girl and good student doesn't mean that she isn't facing some difficult problems. It would be hard for me to imagine that a 17-year-old would take the chances of posting a listing for erotic services on Craigslist and having that represent a healthy, fully consensual choice.

If you confront your daughter, she is likely to initially either feel very embarassed/ashamed or defensive about having her privacy violated. Please remember that you'll likely need to have many ongoing conversations with her about this situation. If you can talk to friends and family about this, please do so, especially if it helps you listen to her and stay calm, amidst a pretty upsetting situation. I would also suggest you be willing and ready to support her entry into counseling to talk about her choices and risky sexual behavior. My sense is that this is not normal sexual exploration. It's a complex response to a number of factors, including important social issues around status anxiety, that might benefit from the intervention of a therapist.

To understand more fully some of these issues, please consider reading Ariel Levy's ''Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture''. You'll also find more resources on my website at www.practicalhelpforparents.com.

Michael Y. Simon, MFT


I agree with the comments expressed by the respondents. You need to sit down and talk with her about the basis for this. And there's something else -in addition to the unseemly physical and health risks your daughter is undertaking, she can also be subject to arrest and prosecution. The police are very aware of the erotic services postings on Craigslist and have used them to set up sting operations. On top of everything else your daughter is risking, she could find herself locked up in Juvenile Hall with some really tough cases, and you will all get first-hand experience with the criminal justice system. I don't know if you've done this in the past, but family therapy might be helpful. anonymous

Getting 14-y-o son off computer

May 2006

I need some suggestions for ways to lure my 14-year-old son off the computer. He spends all of his time either surfing, on MySpace or playing a computer game. He has never been terribly verbal, and needs help with his social skills (he has been diagnosed with NLD--Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) and I think this constant computer use is both negatively affecting his limited social skills and serving as a mean of escaping--or at least avoiding--his problems, mostly loneliness. Right now he barely speaks to us (not out of anger, he just seems to have nothing to say) and it is difficult to have even a rudimentary conversation with him. When he does enter the conversation, many of his conversational comments are wildly inappropriate--either having nothing to do with the current conversation or totally random or just strange, as if out of a computer game, which they probably are! Be aware that he is getting counseling, so this post isn't about getting him help with his problems, it's about getting him interested in something else!

Can anyone suggest some activities to help him ''fill the time'' or find other interests? We are focusing on reading (not a huge hit), writing (because he's expressed interest in writing short stories or comics), drawing, and/or playing his guitar. Any advice or suggestions or comments would be very much appreciated. Thanks! Nancy


My son will also stay on the computer indefinitely if we let him, so we don't! We limit to 2 hrs/day. I don't think you will be able to find anything that interests him MORE than the computer, but if you just cut him off, he'll have to find something to do. Don't let him have a computer in his room. Deborah
You could be describing my son 3 years ago. I tried everything, and none of it helped. Now, at 17, he is finally beginning to come out of his shell. One of the things that seems to have become a bridge for him is politics. We are starting to have conversations on an adult level on this topic, and sometimes he'll even cross over into limited discussion on other topics (some even having to do with emotions!) as long as I don't push it much. So my point is that it might be a maturational issue. If you try and still can't get thru to him, know that he might just outgrow this stage. I'm finally just now beginning to relax about it--for a while, I wondered if there was something really wrong with him. Turns out he's actually ok. Just a little different. --Relieved at last
If your son plays guitar he might be interested in BandWorks. It's a pretty cool thing. It's a good way to socialize without having the pressure of talking! They place kids with similar tastes in music, and similar skill levels together and help them to play some songs and sometimes they have a final performance at Ashkenaz. It's low-pressure and very empowering. They have several different programs during the summer, check out the website: www.bandworks.com. Good Luck anon
Boy Scouts is a good option. It definitely gets teenagers away from computers and gives them important life skills. My son has benefited. His troop, based in Oakland, works on leadership skills in addition to rank advancement. It's good on working with Scouts who join after middle school. Its link is http://www.troop-202.net/ Is your son getting help with social skills? Michelle Garcia Winner's Social Thinking clinic in San Jose comes highly recommended. http://www.socialthinking.com/ Janice
Your son might get interested in music production, which is offered after school and during the summer at several venues, one even listed in the May 26th newsletter where your original post appeared. Many high schools are beginning to offer this instruction as part of the curriculum, precisely because it's so effective at helping techie, aspergers, ADD, NLD and autism spectrum kids segue into socialization, and besides, it's creative.

Music production is pretty computer centered these days, but it does involve the technician with other musicians, a class, with other techie types, in which to learn the techniques, and thus an entree to the rich East Bay teen music scene, with lots of other teens at all-ages clubs. -rock 'n' roll mom


Teen Blogs / mySpace

April 2005

Hello parents, I don't know how many of you are aware of the current teen ''hot'' activity that is www.myspace.com. My freshman daughter recently shared her page (wiht blog, photos, links, etc) with me, and it was cute enough, but it contained links to dozens of her friends' pages, many of which were deeply concerning. Girls whose pages included photos of them in their bras. Girls photos' with condoms in their mouths. Lots of very provocative language. Their full names and some of them even had phone numbers. They seem to have no clue (or maybe they do, and don't care) how very public these sites are. They say they want to meet ''hot boys.'' I think this is dangerous.

I am posting this here because I think all parents should be aware of this, and might want to know what their own kid is posting. You can just go to the main page (www.myspace.com) and do a ''search'' for your kid's school. Most likely you will find kids you know, and if your kid is friends with any of them, there will be a link to your kid's site.

Better to be aware, I think.
Concerned


My 14-year-old Albany High daughter has accounts on both myspace.com and livejournal.com, and she is allowed online one hour a day when her homework's done. While I would never touch her hard-copy diary, I do skim both her and her friends' postings once in a while. (She does not know this, and, please, no lectures about invading her privacy; this is something I've thought about carefully.)

I've found that she only corresponds with people she knows, and that her friends are pretty sweet with one another, that they are mostly concerned with their friendships, annoying parents, music, day-to-day worries, changing emotions and ambitions. I've read nothing about partying, drugs, alcohol, and/or sex. (Or if they indulge in these activities, no one's bragging about it online!) One girl does have problems with grades and cutting class, and I've quietly encouraged my daughter to have her over more, do homework with her, etc.

Anyway, it was a relief to see what my girl's circle is up to, and I also think these blogs can be a very good place for kids to vent and to feel part of a community. My concern is for those who post their e-mail addresses and get into long ''conversations'' with people they don't know.

An excellent source of information and advice about this topic and other related matters is Carolyn Jabs's website www.growinguponline.com.
Anonymous


Well I took last week's advice and, checked up on Myspace to see what my 14 year old Freshman at Berkeley High daughter was up to and, to my disappointment I found several posts that made me cringe. While my daughter had told me she had a myspace account I didn't want to invade her privacy...what a MISTAKE

Background: she is what I and other parents have called a ''good'' kid. She gets good grades in School mostly A's and, an occasional B. Doesn't mouth off, treats people with respect and, gets ''pleasure to have in class'' on her report card. My gut tells me she's good but, has apparantly made some BAD choices.

I logged on and, searched for her on MYSPACE and, her friends. What I found I didn't like. It seems for my daughter's group there is a kind of competition amongst peers of who can be ''cool'' and have a ''cool'' myspace. I read things that were a bit disturbing to me.

Friends of hers posting about teasing boys etc. My daughters blogs were fairly benign with the standard ''I'm bored...school is boring'' but, a few posts were a bit of a diary of what she and her friends were up to...I found out in April she and some of her friends snuck out of a house they were spending the night at, they drank and 1 of the girls got drunk (and sick...) and, went skinny dipping in King Pool. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

She has told me she has tried weed 2 times (once on 4/20 and earlier at a friends house and, given the excuse that at BHS it seems most everybody has tried it or smokes it sometimes. I asked her about some of her 4.0 friends? And, shocked to hear that they have tried it too.

This is crazy!

Sex? Well she hasn't YET, but some of her friends have and, since am shocked that it seems that in her circle it is too commonplace. She says she isn't ready and, that she promises that she'll wait until college. But, she also promised not to lie and, tell the truth.

I was unpleasantly surprised to find out what my seemingly good kid had been up to. Needless to say, this has engendered a lot of serious discussions, with the appropriate consequences and, appropriate levels of contrition of my daughter's part.

But, it is still shocking to me...these kids have been over to my house. They are repectful and, nice and, seem like good kids, but they are making BAD and STUPID choices. I hope I caught this early enough to nip this in the bud. I will yank her out of BHS if this situation does not get remedied to my liking. What my worry is that sex and weed/drinking are acceptable in many circles at BHS and seem ''normal''.

I would encourage other parents to find out what is possibly going on with their kids by reading what they and their friends are writing in their blogs...

I'm glad I followed the suggestion of an earlier poster.

anonymous


Sex and weed/drinking were acceptable in many circles at my high school in Pensylvania in 1964, and at my daughter's high school in suburban New Jersey in 1989, and, again within many circles, in adult society throughout our country now. My daughter, (now a 30-year-old medical doctor), and I (now a computer programmer and mother of three), certainly made many risky and experimental choices when in high school that you would classify as BAD and STUPID. I think of this as a normal part of testing the boundaries of experience and understanding adult life and freedom.

Certainly as a parent I worry and try to talk my children out of things I think will turn out badly for them, but I have tried to allow them freedom to make their own choices (though I'm glad they never had a chance to go skinny-dipping in an old quarry at night the way my friends and I did!). Your daughter sounds like a good kid who loves you very much, very normal and not engaging in any very risky behavior. I hope you are not going to put barriers between her and her friends, because in the long run I would expect this to just create barriers between you and her.


Well, it's hard to tell whether I am here to post good news or bad news. Teens are online and doing things that you don't know about. That is just a fact. As the Director of Counseling at a Bay Area high school, the bad news is that the same sorts of behaviors that occur among Berkeley High students--''good'' kids blogging about their drug use, parties, posting pictures of themselves or others in various states of undress, etc.--happen at every single high school around the Bay Area.

Getting education about how the teens use the Internet, so that we can talk to them intelligently about their use, is the first line of response. Two of the best sources of information include: 1) Kids and Media at the New Millennium: A Comprehensive National Analysis of Children’s Media Use (The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, Menlo Park, California, 1999) and subsequent publications of the Kaiser Foundation, found at http://www.kff.org/entmedia/internet.cfm and; 2)Youth, Pornography and the Internet (National Academies, Washington, D.C., 2002). Two good internet sites include: 1) www.wiredsafety.org and 2) www.wiredkids.org.

I travel around California doing talks on ''Understanding the Online World: Chatting/Blogging, Gaming and Pornography'' and have been hearing the same thing for the last two years. ''Sure, my teen uses the internet, but she would never do something like give out a picture of herself showing her body.'' ''My son always plays games online, but he isn't looking at pornography. No way.'' ''She is really honest with me and even lets me see her online journal. She goes to an excellent school--I know it's a problem at other places, but not at our school.''

Inevitably, someone calls me after one of these talks and says that they were shocked to find out something...after checking the Internet Explorer history or their son or daughter's online weblog. This is an extensive topic, but I wanted to at least post a few tips:

14 and older
--Involve teens in developing Acceptable Use Policies
(AUPs) at home; encourage self-monitoring but be willing
to step in if certain conditions are met (establish
these "intervention points" also with your teen
--Set very clear rules for online use and clear
consequences if they are broken;
--Involve teens in limit-setting or use software/hardware
like Eyetimer;
--Promote positive use: Ask your teen for help researching
topics of interest for the family (buying a new car,
researching a vacation, etc.);
--Talk about games, news stories, movies and television
portrayals of online life; ask your teens their opinions;
don't preach;
--Make sure that you're helping to promote well-rounded
activities that don't include internet use; teens don't
actually want to be on the internet as much as they often
are.  They will frequently say that they feel ''trapped''
and don't know what else to do.;
--If your teen is particularly interested in computers,
encourage them to use computers with others, teach others
computer skills (programming, web design, basic computer
use), develop their mentoring skills with younger children
and peers;
--If you're having wars/major problems, take the internet-
connected computer out of the bedroom—access to the
internet from a teen's private space encourages isolation
and higher amounts of usage; better yet, don't put it
there to begin with;
--Remember that unless you know and have already met the
person you teen is chatting with, everything about that
person may be fictitious (name, age, gender, history,
motives, etc.;
--Exchange of photographs or moving images of a sexual
nature involving minors may be considered sexual
exploitation under the California Penal Code and
reportable as sexual abuse.  This may involve civil and
criminal penalties.  It is not unusual for teens to share
provocative pictures or to be sexual with each other using
webcams.  This can be damaging or dangerous if the teen is
doing this, especially with an adult stranger;
--Chatting and online messaging is often used to "flame"
or harass teens (and younger kids) online.  Some services
like AOL have "warning" systems but people simply switch
screen names and keep up the taunting or harassment.
Don't be afraid to ask questions about who your teen is
talking to and about what.  Tell them that you don't
intend to pry or invade their privacy without cause but
you just want them to know that if they get into trouble
online, they can talk to you about it.
I hope these general tips help. Starting in July, you can visit my website at www.PracticalHelpForParents.com, which will contain much more extensive information on internet use/blogging, etc.

Many thanks, Michael Y. Simon, MFT


Sitter's Unauthorized Computer Use

March 2004

We noticed our babysitter had helped herself to my husband's computer in his study to check her email and surf the web a bit. Nothing porno but she was definitely not watching our 5 year old while she was doing this. Even more, I feel like it is a big invasion of privacy. She admitted it when I confronted her and said it was an ''emergency'' that she needed to check something. I told her not to do it and if such an ''emergency'' arises again to call me first. Is this a firing offense? I should add, she is relatively young (early 20s). I think the younger people are less territorial about their stuff - am I wrong to be bugged? Bugged But Wondering


I think that if you haven't made the rules clear, now would be a good time. The second offense might or might not be worth a ''firing'' depending upon how you feel, but why not just include a password upon start-up so that nobody but you and your partner can access the computer, and avoid the issue altogether in the future? big on passwords
I'm an internet addict -- I email all day long, I web surf. I also have a nanny whom I adore who is utterly devoted to my children. It would not bother me at all if my nanny checked her email while she was working. I often check my email when I'm with my kids, and while I know I'm not necessarily providing optimum care when I'm on line, I also know that it's very difficult to provide optimum care all day long. I think you might try to figure out what you both feel comfortable with -- maybe checking email during naptime, or something like that. It's hard to imagine a job where we wouldn't get to do a little bit of this kind of thing every once in a while, and if the nanny is good in other ways you might try to work things out with her. Ayelet
If you had not previously discussed computer use with her, and you are otherwise happy with her, I don't think this was a firing offense.

FWIW, I've never had this issue with our nanny simply because she is a limited English speaker who doesn't USE computers. But with teenage babysitters, I have always specifically invited them to use my home computer at need, and left it set up so that they can easily browse the web without needing access to any of my passwords. (These girls generally do homework and work on college applications after the kids are in bed.) I also know parents whose kids work or play on a home computer *with* their babysitters (much as they would do art projects or anything else). So not everyone considers computer use to be an automatic no-no, and your sitter probably came up with the ''emergency'' thing when it became obvious to her that you were unhappy about it. I would let it go. Unless and until it happens again, of course. Now that there is a rule in place and she is aware of it, you should let her go if she violates it. Holly


Hi - Well, one thing I can tell you is that it is easy to fix this - you can make your computer or any part of it accessible by password only. Then, the sitter may be abe to turn the machine on, but she won't be able to do anything on it. michael
I wouldn't mind my sitter taking a short break to read her email. But I WOULD mind her using my computer without asking. It would be the equivalent of someone going through my desk and papers looking for a notepad to write on. It's ''my'' computer, not the family computer, so it's not like the family stereo or the family refrigerator. I have all sorts of personal stuff on my computer - my calendar and address book, credit card numbers, letters from friends, etc. Other family members have to ask before they use my computer, so I would definitely want a non-family member to do the same.

I have teens, and I have students working for me, so I know that email and IM are a ''necessary'' part of their lives, and they may not get the concept of the computer as personal space. When a teen relative or student visits, I tell them which computer they can use and what I'm OK with (OK to run IM and check email, not OK to download programs). So in your case I would just chalk it up to a learning experience for the babysitter, tell her what your rules are about the computer, and assume the best from here on out. computer mom


As a former babysitter, I guess I think you're ever-so-slightly overreacting to your babysitter's use of your computer, EXCEPT that she wasn't watching your son. I wouldn't say that she should be fired for this first-time incident, but now that you've made your wishes clear, it shouldn't happen again. You could of course set up password protection on the computer, which would ensure that this won't happen again. Christine
so is your issue that she wasn't watching your child (which I assume you were paying her to do), or that she was on your computer? seems like you should be able to block use with a password setup or, if you're technically challenged like me, just hide the power cord or some such essential item.

Maybe you should let it ride to see if its a pattern or if it really was a emergency like she said If it is a pattern, preventing computer use may not motivate her to spend time with your child - she may simply switch to some other activity that is less easy to track and then I would think its time to find another baby sitter. ilona


I suggest you put a password on your computer. I have one on mine. Yes, the on in my own home and it's just my husband, daughter and myself. I think that it's always a good idea to have password protection on your computer even in your own home as you can protect against someone in the house using the computer without permission as well as if it gets stolen, making it harder to break into (though it's not hard to do). just call me paranoid...

Limits on Teen Email and Chatrooms

My 12 1/2 year old, 7th grade daughter has suddenly become very interested in communicating with her friends via email. What rules, guidelines, limits, warnings, check-ups do you recommend to keep her safe?

They all have free email addresses through aol. Now they want to get Netscape Instant Messenger. What is available along with these that I need to know about? One mother told me that if you get your own email address, you are then able to get into internet sites limited to over-18. What is Chat Room Navigation? What else should I worry about?

It's terrific to have a place like this to come to ask this type of questions. Thanks in advance. Barbara (9/99)


Our family changed from pacbell to aol because I could set up my son with his own message center and limit his access to certain areas/subjects on the websites. He was getting into areas of the website which were not acceptable. However, I first started with the age group under 12 but then had to move to the next level. He can get instant messages from a friend.
D
Re: Internet concerns- AOL has parental controls you can set up that limit access to certain web pages. You can also set up a control that restricts who sends your child email. This one's tricky because I believe unless someone's on your list the email is blocked. This would eliminate some emails from friends (no horrible catastrophe). THe controls regarding the web are also a bit weird. My 13 year old son couldn't access the Stanford University web page to look up information about their summer music programs because Stanford also has information about sex or nude art or somesuch somewhere on their pages! Instant Messenger is like an internet phone call where you talk in real time with people via the computer. This is not an open chat room where anyone to chat with your daughter. My general approach is to accident proof the child rather than trying to make the world risk free. Set up some suggested guidelines and check in regularly about what she's discovered surfing the net. There are some good search tools you can show her so she can use the internet to answer questions she's curious about. Ultimately that's more compelling than pornography sites or whatever else you fear she'll encounter.- WR
You might check out a web site: www.nchafc.org.uk/Internet/guide.html: It contains "A Parent's Guide to the Internet" and has some good advice for parents and for children. You can purchase screening software, e.g., Flashnet has something called Cybersitter, which they say will screen out 80-90% of the objectionable material. AOL may also offer screening for free. Even with the screening, your child should be instructed to immediately delete, without opening, any incoming e-mail with an address that she does not recognize. You should also monitor her use, with random checks when she is online, and consider putting the computer where the screen can be easily viewed by you or other family members.

In my opinion, one of the biggest "dangers" of internet use by teens is that they can become addicted to online "chatting." Picture a teen's typical use of the telephone multiplied many times as several friends can be online at once, chatting back and forth. I would suggest setting time limits from the outset--e.g., no more than 30 minutes per day and only after all homework is completed. I have found my own child online aftter midnight, when I thought she was asleep, still chatting with several of her friends!
Irene


Whatever limits you put on phone calls, you should put on chat rooms. In terms of surfing the web, I apply TV rules. TV watching, video games, and playing around on the computer all count toward my kids' 30-minute daily quota, which is low right now pending the first progress report. If grades go up, so does the daily quota.

My kids are older than yours, so this may not apply to you, but I give my 2 boys (14 & 17) a lot of freedom about what they do on the web. For example, after a discussion on this list a few months ago, I told them that I'd heard from other parents that teenage boys look at pornography, it's pretty normal, and that I am not going to forbid it. I gave them my views - that I think it might give them the wrong idea about what real women are like, and that I think it's mostly pretty demeaning to women. I told them I do not want to ever want to come across it accidentally on the computer, just as I don't want to find Playboys lying around the house. But as long as they do it privately, I won't say anything about it. This has worked out really well, and they keep their own "Bookmarks" separate from mine. Incidentally every once in a while I secretly check on what they are doing by looking at their bookmarks and history. It's about 80% sports, games, and music, 20% porno sites (pretty much run-of-the-mill T&A type stuff).
Ginger


Limits on Teens' Computer Game Time

May 2001

Regarding the May Albany High School PTA presentation on computers and teens. My younger son has been rationed to 2 hours a day, which is still outrageous. None of his friends families impose limits. They play Diablo II on the internet. Also, I have wracked my brain to find activities a 14 and 15 yr old would be interested in. They aren't interested in sports, anything nature related, science (exploratorium/Lawrence Hall burn out), art, reading, or anything unrelated to computer games. Any suggestions? They are otherwise doing very well in school.
Signed, Ready to Pull Plug


I know EXACTLY what you mean. My 15-year-old has no interests outside of Ultima Online and a few other computer games. It is a very interesting game - I have played it myself - but I am worried about how much time he spends on it. He does play the game with his friends, I am not worried about his becoming antosocial, but he will go without food and sleep to play his games and of course he is not doing homework. A couple of weeks ago, due to his poor grades, I took away the computer during the week. I have to unplug the keyboard and mouse and hide them. That is the only way I can enforce it. He really hates me now, and sulks around the house, refusing to speak to me. He fills up the afternoon hours now taking very long showers, napping, watching TV, leafing through comic books. Help!
To: Ready to Pull Plug

In response to the parent worried about too much computer gaming, find a social activity your kids enjoy! If you and they can find something they WANT to do, it will take the conflict out of the your relationship with your kids. While that is easily said, I know that you have already looked at many other activities, and have found nothing they are interested in.

I am the director of The Roleplay Workshop. Many of the students who enroll in my after school and summer programs are highly focused on computer games. I created The Roleplay Workshop to find a way to use the strengths of role playing gaming, which is very similar to computer gaming, to work with adolescents. Role playing fosters creative and abstract thinking and relies heavily on mathematics and statistics. And, unlike computer games, it encourages cooperative problem solving by the participants.

At heart, role playing is story telling. Like in a computer game, the players are the main characters in the story. They influence the direction and resolution of the story. The players become deeply and actively involved in the game, and are aware of the skills and information they are learning.

Our program is specifically designed to teach real life skills in a creative, imaginary setting. We stress non-violent solutions to the "missions" players are given. Players work together to solve the fantasy scenarios with logic, common sense, and intuition. They learn biology, earth sciences, philosophy and ethics in a supportive and fun environment. The Roleplay Workshop is ultimately about learning to take personal responsibility for chosen actions. Playing the game allows kids to make mistakes and learn from them. This gives them increased self-esteem and intellectual independence.

My training and experience are important factors in the success of the program. I received my early training at the University of Michigan, and received a Bachelors of Sciences in Zoology in 1982. I spent most of the next year in the Philippines as a research assistant for an ecology research project. My experiences with the cultures in the Philippines provided much of the complexity found in the world of Abantey. The name Abantey is derived from a Bisayan (a dialect of the Philippines) word and means: "to forge ahead or lead". The Roleplay Workshop offers a variety of programs, including: after school sessions, school holiday sessions, summer day camps, tutoring, birthday parties, and parent sessions. starting soon. For more information, please visit our web site: http://www.roleplay-workshop.com, or call Becky at (510)654-3582.

Rebecca L. Thomas becky at roleplay-workshop.com
Director, The Roleplay Workshop


From another pilgrim. suggestions Get your son in a multimedia class this summer where he has to work at learning the programming behind the games.(director is the key program). What about these film making or writing classes. in this last email. I would tell them that this is the foundation of game making.

Remember some parents are happy the kids are in the house on a video game where they can seem them. Explain this to your son's with emphasis on compassion for those parents and emphasis on how they are being prepared to help the world by making the best of what they came in and although they can take a little time off they have work to do. They need to learn, to become skilled and not a minute to is to be wasted. (this is actually true. They have to understand many children don't even get to go to school and would die for the opportunity).

I personally am for having your child take a musical instrument and sport. Emphasize the sex appeal of playing an instrument if you have to. Sports can be non competitive. I think it would help the general out look.

If they have time to do their homework, practice his instrument and do a sport and play games. Then more power to him. So far mine works hard and can only get in an hour here and there .

Examine the issues behind why he is playing. Sometimes life becomes very overewhelming for these kids and they want to zone out. Computer gaming is a great zoning out method. Gaming might be a socializing thing for his crowd. Therefore he needs to have something to talk about with his friends. About two hours a week should do it.

I have a step son who is an emotionally young 15 who literally could spend 8-10 hours a day playing video games (and did before I worked him out of some of them) He has a hard time sorting out life, school etc. The gaming world is where he can control the environment. But like all addictions it doesn't really do the trick in the long run. He gets unable to sort out anything. I've been working on this problem for three years.My blanket rule is no playing games or watching t.v. in the day time. It works since that's what my mother said and I have the strong conviction that is what should be. (Otherwise I spent the entire day arguing )

I have tried giving him games that have some hidd educational value. So far the kids see through me but the Sims family has been a game where we are both happy. They create senerios and work out life issues through this game. The boys like it. The other is typing tutor games which has gone over like a wet blanket. I require an exchange. They do one half hour of my stuff for their one half hour. Good luck.> jgerrard


From: Emily (8/98)

I've been wanting for some time to get hear other parents' thoughts about recreational computer use, particularly for preteen and adolescent boys. My sons sometimes seem unable to walk away from the games. They have friends who don't like to come over to visit because I limit computer time during play dates. The games they love best and want most (which I refuse to have in my house) are violent, and I think the graphics are creepy. The characters from the games, the game situations, become topics of unending conversations.

We have the "good" games: Oregon Trail (great background for our cross country move a few years ago), the variations on Sim City, Civilization (this one taught my younger son to read) and others. However, what they really like are what I call "shoot-em-ups." These they want to play endlessly. And when they and their friends have been playing long enough, when they stop they really seem restless, irritable, everything else is "boring." The computer seems to have replaced the TV as electronic baby sitter, too. Whenever we visit friends (and often when we have visitors), the kids end up around a computer, taking turns playing games. Sometimes the games can be played by two kids, but it's not exactly social engagement.

We have lots of limits about this kind of computer use: 30 minutes a day, a weekly breather from all computer use (Friday dinner to Sunday morning), but it is a constant unpleasant battle. Does anyone have any thoughts, experience, ideas about creating family life in (this part of) the computer age? I might add that my teenage daughter, a savvy computer user, and her friends NEVER play computer games!


From: Ginger (8/98)

While "Homework Wars" is the main battle I fight with my 13 and 15 year old sons, "Video Wars" is up there right along side "Take a Shower You are Starting to Stink" and "The Long List of Things You Forgot to Do Again Today".

Video and computer games are a major pasttime for my kids and a major social activity for the two of them and their friends. If I didn't set some kind of limit, they would play them all the time. They try to get me to play them too, which I sometimes do. I don't really have any answers about how to discourage video games but here are my thoughts.

There are a few benefits to letting them play sometimes:

- social & collaborative skills. they rarely play these things alone - they seem to only enjoy doing it with other kids. They consult with each other, or play side-by-side. They instantly have something in common with lots of other kids, which helps with new or awkward social situations. The younger brother is better at video games so this is the one time when he has an edge over the older one. I suppose there is some skill involved - fast reflexes and fine motor coordination are probably importnat.

Then there are all the minuses:

- they would do it continually and never stop unless I set limits
- some of the games are gross and some are REALLY gross
- the music drives you insane
- fights between brothers break out predictably & regularly
- power struggles: one will share secret codes but the other won't
- they look like big sloppy slugs while they are playing
- think of all the activities they aren't doing while they
are playing video games (drawing, reading, musical instruments, folding laundry, washing the car, etc.)

I think the video game syndrome is a lot like the sports fan syndrome - the need to be in the same room with a bunch of other guys watching some relatively mindless thing on TV and shouting and stomping together. Why can't they just garden or read murder mysteries instead?

I do try to keep it a minimum though. They keep their video system at their dad's - I won't buy them one for here. I allow them to bring it over occasionally (if a friend is sleeping over). We have a computer, so they can entertain themselves that way when I am not monopolizing it myself. And they do actually have other interests besides video. But you are right that their friends don't want to come over if there are no video games. "There's nothing to do" without video games.

Computer games: these are more solitary (like Myst) but they still prefer to play with another kid. Lately, though, the 15-y-o spends all his computer time in teen chat rooms where they all talk slang to each other or in sports chat rooms where they see who can brag about local teams the most convincingly. I monitor this somewhat but it doesn't take up as much time because there are so many people in the house who want to use the computer.


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