Daughter posted on Craigslist erotic service

Hi, Please help! My daughter posted herself on Craigslist for erotic services. We saw it accidentally on the computer while she was out of the house. We have not spoken about it to her and are at loss about what to do next. She is only 17 and has been a ''good girl'' and a good student. We do not have a lot of money, tru, but we have always had values. She has been saying lately how she wants to have an expensive car and designer clothes and move out soon. She works part time in a restaurant and now this! Any ideas are welcome. Thank you. Martha

Unfortunately, this situation is something I'm seeing more and more of in my private practice: young girls who have decided that its ''not a big deal'' to trade sexual activity/performance for money, clothes or some kind of remuneration. This is connected to what many are beginning to understand as the rise ''raunch culture,'' where performative sexuality (sex like the porn stars seem to have) has become the ideal against which sexual ''openness,'' and ''sexiness'' itself is being measured.

It is also, more unfortunately, connected to the intense status anxiety that high school students feel. It's not unusual--especially when teens have such frequent and intense exposure to the material ''goodies'' of celebrity culture--for teen girls to think that trading sexual services for material goods is just another way to get them the status symbols they desire.

There are some very complicated issues involved here. The persons or people your daughter may come into contact with may be committing a crime by being involved with her. It is against the law in California (where the age of consent is 18) to engage in “sexual activity” with a person under the age of 18. In some cases, the activities or behaviors your daughter chooses may also constitute child abuse or exploitation.

There may be underlying mental health issues that are driving your daughter's choices to engage in this kind of activity, including depression, anxiety or past negative sexual experiences (willing or unwilling). Being a ''good'' girl and good student doesn't mean that she isn't facing some difficult problems. It would be hard for me to imagine that a 17-year-old would take the chances of posting a listing for erotic services on Craigslist and having that represent a healthy, fully consensual choice.

If you confront your daughter, she is likely to initially either feel very embarassed/ashamed or defensive about having her privacy violated. Please remember that you'll likely need to have many ongoing conversations with her about this situation. If you can talk to friends and family about this, please do so, especially if it helps you listen to her and stay calm, amidst a pretty upsetting situation. I would also suggest you be willing and ready to support her entry into counseling to talk about her choices and risky sexual behavior. My sense is that this is not normal sexual exploration. It's a complex response to a number of factors, including important social issues around status anxiety, that might benefit from the intervention of a therapist.

To understand more fully some of these issues, please consider reading Ariel Levy's ''Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture''. You'll also find more resources on my website at www.practicalhelpforparents.com.

Michael Y. Simon, MFT

Getting 14-y-o son off computer

I need some suggestions for ways to lure my 14-year-old son off the computer. He spends all of his time either surfing, on MySpace or playing a computer game. He has never been terribly verbal, and needs help with his social skills (he has been diagnosed with NLD--Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) and I think this constant computer use is both negatively affecting his limited social skills and serving as a mean of escaping--or at least avoiding--his problems, mostly loneliness. Right now he barely speaks to us (not out of anger, he just seems to have nothing to say) and it is difficult to have even a rudimentary conversation with him. When he does enter the conversation, many of his conversational comments are wildly inappropriate--either having nothing to do with the current conversation or totally random or just strange, as if out of a computer game, which they probably are! Be aware that he is getting counseling, so this post isn't about getting him help with his problems, it's about getting him interested in something else!

Can anyone suggest some activities to help him ''fill the time'' or find other interests? We are focusing on reading (not a huge hit), writing (because he's expressed interest in writing short stories or comics), drawing, and/or playing his guitar. Any advice or suggestions or comments would be very much appreciated. Thanks! Nancy

Music production is pretty computer centered these days, but it does involve the technician with other musicians, a class, with other techie types, in which to learn the techniques, and thus an entree to the rich East Bay teen music scene, with lots of other teens at all-ages clubs. -rock 'n' roll mom

Teen Blogs / mySpace

Hello parents, I don't know how many of you are aware of the current teen ''hot'' activity that is www.myspace.com. My freshman daughter recently shared her page (wiht blog, photos, links, etc) with me, and it was cute enough, but it contained links to dozens of her friends' pages, many of which were deeply concerning. Girls whose pages included photos of them in their bras. Girls photos' with condoms in their mouths. Lots of very provocative language. Their full names and some of them even had phone numbers. They seem to have no clue (or maybe they do, and don't care) how very public these sites are. They say they want to meet ''hot boys.'' I think this is dangerous.

I am posting this here because I think all parents should be aware of this, and might want to know what their own kid is posting. You can just go to the main page (www.myspace.com) and do a ''search'' for your kid's school. Most likely you will find kids you know, and if your kid is friends with any of them, there will be a link to your kid's site.

Better to be aware, I think.
Concerned

I've found that she only corresponds with people she knows, and that her friends are pretty sweet with one another, that they are mostly concerned with their friendships, annoying parents, music, day-to-day worries, changing emotions and ambitions. I've read nothing about partying, drugs, alcohol, and/or sex. (Or if they indulge in these activities, no one's bragging about it online!) One girl does have problems with grades and cutting class, and I've quietly encouraged my daughter to have her over more, do homework with her, etc.

Anyway, it was a relief to see what my girl's circle is up to, and I also think these blogs can be a very good place for kids to vent and to feel part of a community. My concern is for those who post their e-mail addresses and get into long ''conversations'' with people they don't know.

An excellent source of information and advice about this topic and other related matters is Carolyn Jabs's website www.growinguponline.com.
Anonymous

Background: she is what I and other parents have called a ''good'' kid. She gets good grades in School mostly A's and, an occasional B. Doesn't mouth off, treats people with respect and, gets ''pleasure to have in class'' on her report card. My gut tells me she's good but, has apparantly made some BAD choices.

I logged on and, searched for her on MYSPACE and, her friends. What I found I didn't like. It seems for my daughter's group there is a kind of competition amongst peers of who can be ''cool'' and have a ''cool'' myspace. I read things that were a bit disturbing to me.

Friends of hers posting about teasing boys etc. My daughters blogs were fairly benign with the standard ''I'm bored...school is boring'' but, a few posts were a bit of a diary of what she and her friends were up to...I found out in April she and some of her friends snuck out of a house they were spending the night at, they drank and 1 of the girls got drunk (and sick...) and, went skinny dipping in King Pool. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

She has told me she has tried weed 2 times (once on 4/20 and earlier at a friends house and, given the excuse that at BHS it seems most everybody has tried it or smokes it sometimes. I asked her about some of her 4.0 friends? And, shocked to hear that they have tried it too.

This is crazy!

Sex? Well she hasn't YET, but some of her friends have and, since am shocked that it seems that in her circle it is too commonplace. She says she isn't ready and, that she promises that she'll wait until college. But, she also promised not to lie and, tell the truth.

I was unpleasantly surprised to find out what my seemingly good kid had been up to. Needless to say, this has engendered a lot of serious discussions, with the appropriate consequences and, appropriate levels of contrition of my daughter's part.

But, it is still shocking to me...these kids have been over to my house. They are repectful and, nice and, seem like good kids, but they are making BAD and STUPID choices. I hope I caught this early enough to nip this in the bud. I will yank her out of BHS if this situation does not get remedied to my liking. What my worry is that sex and weed/drinking are acceptable in many circles at BHS and seem ''normal''.

I would encourage other parents to find out what is possibly going on with their kids by reading what they and their friends are writing in their blogs...

I'm glad I followed the suggestion of an earlier poster.

anonymous

Certainly as a parent I worry and try to talk my children out of things I think will turn out badly for them, but I have tried to allow them freedom to make their own choices (though I'm glad they never had a chance to go skinny-dipping in an old quarry at night the way my friends and I did!). Your daughter sounds like a good kid who loves you very much, very normal and not engaging in any very risky behavior. I hope you are not going to put barriers between her and her friends, because in the long run I would expect this to just create barriers between you and her.

Getting education about how the teens use the Internet, so that we can talk to them intelligently about their use, is the first line of response. Two of the best sources of information include: 1) Kids and Media at the New Millennium: A Comprehensive National Analysis of Children’s Media Use (The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, Menlo Park, California, 1999) and subsequent publications of the Kaiser Foundation, found at http://www.kff.org/entmedia/internet.cfm and; 2)Youth, Pornography and the Internet (National Academies, Washington, D.C., 2002). Two good internet sites include: 1) www.wiredsafety.org and 2) www.wiredkids.org.

I travel around California doing talks on ''Understanding the Online World: Chatting/Blogging, Gaming and Pornography'' and have been hearing the same thing for the last two years. ''Sure, my teen uses the internet, but she would never do something like give out a picture of herself showing her body.'' ''My son always plays games online, but he isn't looking at pornography. No way.'' ''She is really honest with me and even lets me see her online journal. She goes to an excellent school--I know it's a problem at other places, but not at our school.''

Inevitably, someone calls me after one of these talks and says that they were shocked to find out something...after checking the Internet Explorer history or their son or daughter's online weblog. This is an extensive topic, but I wanted to at least post a few tips:

14 and older
--Involve teens in developing Acceptable Use Policies
(AUPs) at home; encourage self-monitoring but be willing
to step in if certain conditions are met (establish
these "intervention points" also with your teen
--Set very clear rules for online use and clear
consequences if they are broken;
--Involve teens in limit-setting or use software/hardware
like Eyetimer;
--Promote positive use: Ask your teen for help researching
topics of interest for the family (buying a new car,
researching a vacation, etc.);
--Talk about games, news stories, movies and television
portrayals of online life; ask your teens their opinions;
don't preach;
--Make sure that you're helping to promote well-rounded
activities that don't include internet use; teens don't
actually want to be on the internet as much as they often
are.  They will frequently say that they feel ''trapped''
and don't know what else to do.;
--If your teen is particularly interested in computers,
encourage them to use computers with others, teach others
computer skills (programming, web design, basic computer
use), develop their mentoring skills with younger children
and peers;
--If you're having wars/major problems, take the internet-
connected computer out of the bedroom—access to the
internet from a teen's private space encourages isolation
and higher amounts of usage; better yet, don't put it
there to begin with;
--Remember that unless you know and have already met the
person you teen is chatting with, everything about that
person may be fictitious (name, age, gender, history,
motives, etc.;
--Exchange of photographs or moving images of a sexual
nature involving minors may be considered sexual
exploitation under the California Penal Code and
reportable as sexual abuse.  This may involve civil and
criminal penalties.  It is not unusual for teens to share
provocative pictures or to be sexual with each other using
webcams.  This can be damaging or dangerous if the teen is
doing this, especially with an adult stranger;
--Chatting and online messaging is often used to "flame"
or harass teens (and younger kids) online.  Some services
like AOL have "warning" systems but people simply switch
screen names and keep up the taunting or harassment.
Don't be afraid to ask questions about who your teen is
talking to and about what.  Tell them that you don't
intend to pry or invade their privacy without cause but
you just want them to know that if they get into trouble
online, they can talk to you about it.

Many thanks, Michael Y. Simon, MFT

Sitter's Unauthorized Computer Use

We noticed our babysitter had helped herself to my husband's computer in his study to check her email and surf the web a bit. Nothing porno but she was definitely not watching our 5 year old while she was doing this. Even more, I feel like it is a big invasion of privacy. She admitted it when I confronted her and said it was an ''emergency'' that she needed to check something. I told her not to do it and if such an ''emergency'' arises again to call me first. Is this a firing offense? I should add, she is relatively young (early 20s). I think the younger people are less territorial about their stuff - am I wrong to be bugged? Bugged But Wondering

FWIW, I've never had this issue with our nanny simply because she is a limited English speaker who doesn't USE computers. But with teenage babysitters, I have always specifically invited them to use my home computer at need, and left it set up so that they can easily browse the web without needing access to any of my passwords. (These girls generally do homework and work on college applications after the kids are in bed.) I also know parents whose kids work or play on a home computer *with* their babysitters (much as they would do art projects or anything else). So not everyone considers computer use to be an automatic no-no, and your sitter probably came up with the ''emergency'' thing when it became obvious to her that you were unhappy about it. I would let it go. Unless and until it happens again, of course. Now that there is a rule in place and she is aware of it, you should let her go if she violates it. Holly

I have teens, and I have students working for me, so I know that email and IM are a ''necessary'' part of their lives, and they may not get the concept of the computer as personal space. When a teen relative or student visits, I tell them which computer they can use and what I'm OK with (OK to run IM and check email, not OK to download programs). So in your case I would just chalk it up to a learning experience for the babysitter, tell her what your rules are about the computer, and assume the best from here on out. computer mom

Maybe you should let it ride to see if its a pattern or if it really was a emergency like she said If it is a pattern, preventing computer use may not motivate her to spend time with your child - she may simply switch to some other activity that is less easy to track and then I would think its time to find another baby sitter. ilona

Limits on Teen Email and Chatrooms

They all have free email addresses through aol. Now they want to get Netscape Instant Messenger. What is available along with these that I need to know about? One mother told me that if you get your own email address, you are then able to get into internet sites limited to over-18. What is Chat Room Navigation? What else should I worry about?

It's terrific to have a place like this to come to ask this type of questions. Thanks in advance. Barbara (9/99)

In my opinion, one of the biggest "dangers" of internet use by teens is that they can become addicted to online "chatting." Picture a teen's typical use of the telephone multiplied many times as several friends can be online at once, chatting back and forth. I would suggest setting time limits from the outset--e.g., no more than 30 minutes per day and only after all homework is completed. I have found my own child online aftter midnight, when I thought she was asleep, still chatting with several of her friends!
Irene

My kids are older than yours, so this may not apply to you, but I give my 2 boys (14 & 17) a lot of freedom about what they do on the web. For example, after a discussion on this list a few months ago, I told them that I'd heard from other parents that teenage boys look at pornography, it's pretty normal, and that I am not going to forbid it. I gave them my views - that I think it might give them the wrong idea about what real women are like, and that I think it's mostly pretty demeaning to women. I told them I do not want to ever want to come across it accidentally on the computer, just as I don't want to find Playboys lying around the house. But as long as they do it privately, I won't say anything about it. This has worked out really well, and they keep their own "Bookmarks" separate from mine. Incidentally every once in a while I secretly check on what they are doing by looking at their bookmarks and history. It's about 80% sports, games, and music, 20% porno sites (pretty much run-of-the-mill T&A type stuff).
Ginger

Regarding the May Albany High School PTA presentation on computers and teens. My younger son has been rationed to 2 hours a day, which is still outrageous. None of his friends families impose limits. They play Diablo II on the internet. Also, I have wracked my brain to find activities a 14 and 15 yr old would be interested in. They aren't interested in sports, anything nature related, science (exploratorium/Lawrence Hall burn out), art, reading, or anything unrelated to computer games. Any suggestions? They are otherwise doing very well in school.
Signed, Ready to Pull Plug

In response to the parent worried about too much computer gaming, find a social activity your kids enjoy! If you and they can find something they WANT to do, it will take the conflict out of the your relationship with your kids. While that is easily said, I know that you have already looked at many other activities, and have found nothing they are interested in.

I am the director of The Roleplay Workshop. Many of the students who enroll in my after school and summer programs are highly focused on computer games. I created The Roleplay Workshop to find a way to use the strengths of role playing gaming, which is very similar to computer gaming, to work with adolescents. Role playing fosters creative and abstract thinking and relies heavily on mathematics and statistics. And, unlike computer games, it encourages cooperative problem solving by the participants.

At heart, role playing is story telling. Like in a computer game, the players are the main characters in the story. They influence the direction and resolution of the story. The players become deeply and actively involved in the game, and are aware of the skills and information they are learning.

Our program is specifically designed to teach real life skills in a creative, imaginary setting. We stress non-violent solutions to the "missions" players are given. Players work together to solve the fantasy scenarios with logic, common sense, and intuition. They learn biology, earth sciences, philosophy and ethics in a supportive and fun environment. The Roleplay Workshop is ultimately about learning to take personal responsibility for chosen actions. Playing the game allows kids to make mistakes and learn from them. This gives them increased self-esteem and intellectual independence.

My training and experience are important factors in the success of the program. I received my early training at the University of Michigan, and received a Bachelors of Sciences in Zoology in 1982. I spent most of the next year in the Philippines as a research assistant for an ecology research project. My experiences with the cultures in the Philippines provided much of the complexity found in the world of Abantey. The name Abantey is derived from a Bisayan (a dialect of the Philippines) word and means: "to forge ahead or lead". The Roleplay Workshop offers a variety of programs, including: after school sessions, school holiday sessions, summer day camps, tutoring, birthday parties, and parent sessions. starting soon. For more information, please visit our web site: http://www.roleplay-workshop.com, or call Becky at (510)654-3582.

Rebecca L. Thomas becky at roleplay-workshop.com
Director, The Roleplay Workshop

Remember some parents are happy the kids are in the house on a video game where they can seem them. Explain this to your son's with emphasis on compassion for those parents and emphasis on how they are being prepared to help the world by making the best of what they came in and although they can take a little time off they have work to do. They need to learn, to become skilled and not a minute to is to be wasted. (this is actually true. They have to understand many children don't even get to go to school and would die for the opportunity).

I personally am for having your child take a musical instrument and sport. Emphasize the sex appeal of playing an instrument if you have to. Sports can be non competitive. I think it would help the general out look.

If they have time to do their homework, practice his instrument and do a sport and play games. Then more power to him. So far mine works hard and can only get in an hour here and there .

Examine the issues behind why he is playing. Sometimes life becomes very overewhelming for these kids and they want to zone out. Computer gaming is a great zoning out method. Gaming might be a socializing thing for his crowd. Therefore he needs to have something to talk about with his friends. About two hours a week should do it.

I have a step son who is an emotionally young 15 who literally could spend 8-10 hours a day playing video games (and did before I worked him out of some of them) He has a hard time sorting out life, school etc. The gaming world is where he can control the environment. But like all addictions it doesn't really do the trick in the long run. He gets unable to sort out anything. I've been working on this problem for three years.My blanket rule is no playing games or watching t.v. in the day time. It works since that's what my mother said and I have the strong conviction that is what should be. (Otherwise I spent the entire day arguing )

I have tried giving him games that have some hidd educational value. So far the kids see through me but the Sims family has been a game where we are both happy. They create senerios and work out life issues through this game. The boys like it. The other is typing tutor games which has gone over like a wet blanket. I require an exchange. They do one half hour of my stuff for their one half hour. Good luck.> jgerrard

I've been wanting for some time to get hear other parents' thoughts about recreational computer use, particularly for preteen and adolescent boys. My sons sometimes seem unable to walk away from the games. They have friends who don't like to come over to visit because I limit computer time during play dates. The games they love best and want most (which I refuse to have in my house) are violent, and I think the graphics are creepy. The characters from the games, the game situations, become topics of unending conversations.

We have the "good" games: Oregon Trail (great background for our cross country move a few years ago), the variations on Sim City, Civilization (this one taught my younger son to read) and others. However, what they really like are what I call "shoot-em-ups." These they want to play endlessly. And when they and their friends have been playing long enough, when they stop they really seem restless, irritable, everything else is "boring." The computer seems to have replaced the TV as electronic baby sitter, too. Whenever we visit friends (and often when we have visitors), the kids end up around a computer, taking turns playing games. Sometimes the games can be played by two kids, but it's not exactly social engagement.

We have lots of limits about this kind of computer use: 30 minutes a day, a weekly breather from all computer use (Friday dinner to Sunday morning), but it is a constant unpleasant battle. Does anyone have any thoughts, experience, ideas about creating family life in (this part of) the computer age? I might add that my teenage daughter, a savvy computer user, and her friends NEVER play computer games!

While "Homework Wars" is the main battle I fight with my 13 and 15 year old sons, "Video Wars" is up there right along side "Take a Shower You are Starting to Stink" and "The Long List of Things You Forgot to Do Again Today".

Video and computer games are a major pasttime for my kids and a major social activity for the two of them and their friends. If I didn't set some kind of limit, they would play them all the time. They try to get me to play them too, which I sometimes do. I don't really have any answers about how to discourage video games but here are my thoughts.

There are a few benefits to letting them play sometimes:

- social & collaborative skills. they rarely play these things alone - they seem to only enjoy doing it with other kids. They consult with each other, or play side-by-side. They instantly have something in common with lots of other kids, which helps with new or awkward social situations. The younger brother is better at video games so this is the one time when he has an edge over the older one. I suppose there is some skill involved - fast reflexes and fine motor coordination are probably importnat.

Then there are all the minuses:

- they would do it continually and never stop unless I set limits
- some of the games are gross and some are REALLY gross
- the music drives you insane
- fights between brothers break out predictably & regularly
- power struggles: one will share secret codes but the other won't
- they look like big sloppy slugs while they are playing
- think of all the activities they aren't doing while they
are playing video games (drawing, reading, musical instruments, folding laundry, washing the car, etc.)

I think the video game syndrome is a lot like the sports fan syndrome - the need to be in the same room with a bunch of other guys watching some relatively mindless thing on TV and shouting and stomping together. Why can't they just garden or read murder mysteries instead?

I do try to keep it a minimum though. They keep their video system at their dad's - I won't buy them one for here. I allow them to bring it over occasionally (if a friend is sleeping over). We have a computer, so they can entertain themselves that way when I am not monopolizing it myself. And they do actually have other interests besides video. But you are right that their friends don't want to come over if there are no video games. "There's nothing to do" without video games.

Computer games: these are more solitary (like Myst) but they still prefer to play with another kid. Lately, though, the 15-y-o spends all his computer time in teen chat rooms where they all talk slang to each other or in sports chat rooms where they see who can brag about local teams the most convincingly. I monitor this somewhat but it doesn't take up as much time because there are so many people in the house who want to use the computer.