• 14-year-old's expensive clothing requests
• What is a reasonable clothing budget for 17 year old daughter?
• Clothing allowance for 13-year-old girl
• More Advice about Clothing, Grooming & Accoutrements

14-year-old's expensive clothing requests

My 14 year old is into brand name clothes. The jeans that are $200 each and tops that are over $100. I admit these look cute on her, but it terrifies me to be spending this type of money in our current economy with budget cuts right and left and so many people out of work. I'm at risk of getting IOU's from the state starting next month. Every night this week she has come to me asking me for yet another piece of clothing. I believe she has plenty and certainly much more than I ever had anytime in my lifetime! Please help me with verbage to say to her, systems that are working in your home or ways you have handled similar situations. We are going to use up all our resources if this continues and although there is a lot of peer pressure, and I definitely don't want her to feel out of place with her clothes (she says everyone dresses like this at school) this seems foolish to me. She is a great student, works very hard in school, studies without any pressure and donates a portion of her allowance to charity. She also babysits but says she is saving her money for college. Please help me with this and be kind in your responses.
Priced out of my mind!

I would recommend going this route -- it takes the onus off of you to evaluate each purchase, and puts it on her to begin to learn how to make choices. Two hundred dollar jeans aren't as appealing when they mean that you can't go to the movies with your friends or buy anything else for two months. Still a Clothes Horse, but I Shop Resale

One thing that I have done with my daughter (who didn't really care about brand names) was buy a bunch of ''school clothes'' at the begining of the year and then filled in with fun shopping trips to Target for underware, bras, and a few tops. At 17 she worked in the summer and made a bunch of money which she quickly pissed away on clothes, though she knew that this was it, I wasn't going to buy her clothes if she was working (except bras and underware).

This brings me to the types of options that are out there for less expensive shopping. Many kids shop at Bancroft Clothing Company and Target, Ross, Marshall's, and if you go to the 'burbs, Lowe, Lohmans, etc. and look for SALES. I think teaching her to look for sales and getting a bargain is a good thing. I, personally, do most of my clothes shopping at thrift stores, the ultimate bargains (on a State paycheck!) My daughter goes back and forth about how she feels about it. Sometimes I just come home with items for her and wears them! She knows that you can find cool stuff there.

Your daughter might really respond to your possible pay freeze and you can also request that she start to participate by trying to spend less on clothing.

Good luck and keep at it! Sometimes you have to try a few different methods. anon

Once I gave my daughter an allowance and made her responsible for how she spent it I was fascinating to see how her spending preferences changed. I still buy her basic school wardrobe, but everything else is on her. She also has to either buy her own lunch, or pack lunch from food in the refrigerator - most days she finds something ''for free.'' I believe I'm doing her a favor by helping her learn how to evaluate the worth of her purchases. Committed to financial education

When I was 14 in the early 60's my parents were very secretive about money. I had no idea how much they had or how much anything cost. I don't think that was helpful in the long run. Maybe if you sat down with your daughter and went over the family budget she would get a better idea of whether or not these clothes are affordable. That she saves money for college is admirable but it doesn't have the ring of immediacy that teens need--and she's only 14. Perhaps you could do a little switch: tell her that the responsibility for college rests with you, not with her. Her allowance and babysitting money are for her out-of- pocket expenses: for my daughter that meant movies, music, gifts for friends. If she wishes to buy clothes that you feel are out of the budget then she should save her own money for that. It might give her a better perspective and make her choose her luxuries more carefully. When she gets to college she may very well want to help out by getting a part time job on campus and that will be appropriate.

She may discover that some of her friends have a similar deal with their parents but don't talk about it. And she may begin to realize just how much money some people have-- and just how little others have. She may start to question the values of some of her friends. And she may make some new and more rewarding friendships. anon

What I have done with my son (now 18) for the last year is give him $20/month for clothes. When I started this he had a complete wardrobe (and he is not growing anymore), so this money was just to replace things as they wore out or as he lost them (which was all the time!). Luckily he is fine with clothes from Target/Old Navy.

My friend pays for the basic cost of an item (when she sees it is needed!) and if her daughter wants a more expensive version, the daughter pays the difference. So she allows $30 for a pair of jeans.

I would definitely encourage you to set some limits. Your daughter will learn valuable lessons about budgeting and making choices. Maybe she'll start going to thrift stores. My daughter (age 13) and her friends recently had a clothes swap where they all brought clothes they didn't wear anymore and traded. Everything found at least one item she liked and the rest they gave to charity. Hold your ground!

A few months back the Sunday New York Times Styles section had an article on this issue: parents were beginning to tell their teenagers that they could not keep buying clothes and were surprised at how mature some of them could be when the parents were open with their teenagers about the nature of the economy, their own concerns about jobs or declines in the stock market etc. Some parents just had a discussion and told their kids, others had the teenagers work with them to develop a plan for saving money, etc. You might want to see if you can find this article online at the New York Times website.

It definitely sounds like you should sit down with your daughter and explain clearly the economy we are in, possible future risks you face (state IOU's, etc.), how you need to save money for her college rather than spend it on clothes, and other realities of life. You should also reinforce that idea that YOU will be the one saving money for her college; if she wants new clothes that she doesn't need, she can use her babysitting money to pay for them. That way, she will learn to budget and learn that if she buys a $200 pair of jeans, she won't be buying another else for a while.

It really seems like the time is right to switch the priorities for her and get her to use her own money for things she doesn't need. And start to work on the idea that ''clothes do not make the girl,'' and that she might not want to appear insensitive when girls in other families are struggling because their parents are struggling with bills. And to help her begin to understand the real world, and real economic issues.

There's a real opportunity here for deepening her understanding of budget and real-life issues and for the two of you to become more honest with each other. Good luck! Anonymous

I have this issue with my kids over spending in general. I have used the above suggested phrases and they have worked. It has taken a while for it all to sink in, but it eventually does. They are much better about asking for stuff and never complain. You should also point out all the reasons you are proud of her and all the things you *do* have that many other families in the Bay Area would kill for. Just stand your ground and let her know it isn't a punishment, it is just the reality for your family. Hang Tough

That being said, I have to admit that I find it horrifying that any parent would spend that much on clothes for their teenager and I highly doubt everyone else at school has parents who spend this much on their kids clothes (unless she's going to some ridiculously expensive private school, in which case, she's probably partially right). My parents couldn't afford to shop for me anywhere but the cheapest used clothing stores when I was a kid, and frankly, it taught me to be less materialistic and helped me to make friends with people who were genuine and respectful. Yes, I still had friends, a popular boyfriend, was well-liked, etc. Sure, I hated it then, but it also made me learn how to dress fashionably in well- made clothes without running up thousands in debt. Not that I'm suggesting doing that to her, but it's worth thinking about what message you are sending by giving her these things and what kinds of people she is friends with who are so concerned about how expensive her jeans are. Another unfortunate fact about teenagers: the more that you give them, the more they want and the less they appreciate you. Lisa

I highly recommend an allowance. When my daugter started high school, at 14, money for ''nondiscretionary'' spending (including clothing) was added to the discretionary money she was already getting. This served two purposes, money management practice for her and I no longer had to make decisions on what was or wasn't reasonable clothing. The decision then became hers. It's amazing how quickly they learn how to get named brand for less and how having named brand is not as important as they thought.

Yes, making the decision on what the allowance should be was challenging. Start with a list of what is to be included in the allowance amount (bus, lunch money, haircuts, etc.) and have your daughter make a list with requested amounts. Keep in mind, to be the most effective, it is best not to rescue your teen if she runs out of money before she gets allowance again. Think about the small lesson she will learn now vs the big lesson later when she can't pay rent. Also, don't judge her expenditures. For example, you many have included X dollars for socks and underwear but your daughter is opting for wearing socks with holes or going without in order to have more money to go to the movies.

Good luck and remember this too shall end. RJ

I loved this when my mom did it with me, and I'm loving it now--no more discussions about how much to spend, what to spend it on, etc. It's her problem now. It's good to get out of the loop

My own daughter wants designer jeans and tops. My answer is simple. No, I will not pay for that. There are plenty of clothes in other stores, frequented by teens, in style, with clothes not that price.

I suggest that you re-orient your daughter. Tell her that 1) with the economy, you cannot afford to buy such expensive clothes. Then stick to what you say, despite what your daughter tell you. 2) I would talk to your daughter about your decision to pay for such clothes in the first place, as a mistake. Talk to her about values. It goes against my values for my teen to wear such expensive clothing and for her to be so focused on ''needing'' those things. 3) there is a difference between need and want, talk to daughter about this. Have your daughter use her own money to pay for her clothes. It will teach your daughter the value of money. And, phooey to her saving babysitting money but then hitting mom up for very expensice clothes. How does this save for college? No way. Finally, my daughter is also a great kid, much like yours. She fits in at her high school with what kids are wearing. She buys most of her own stuff. She works in the summer and pays for all but the bare bones. Peggy

Call/e-mail her friends' parents and ask about the ''everyone buys these labels'' tale. Some parents might be silly enough to do so, but probably not very many. See if together you can come up with a strategy for dealing with your greedy girls. (Mine shopped, and still shops, at Crossroads in Berkeley and other hip consignment stores where the prices are reasonable.) Melanie

As for shopping, I've taught them to use ebay for some things, but I think we got knock-offs in many cases and jeans didn't fit, so we don't do that so much anymore. Consignment stores often have designer jeans and labels, you just have to find one with the right personality. Gap makes cute things at good prices, and doesn't seem to have the ''cheap'' stigma. The other place my girls love is H&M. They will spend money on their jeans, then find tops, belts, scarves, jackets, bags and shoes at H&M or Gap and they leave the house looking like magazine models nearly every day.

That said, I give my girls a clothing allowance to cover clothes, but I pay for necessary shoes, underwear, and occasional things like winter coats. Anything over and above that they have to fill in with babysitting money, etc. They both have a fair amount of income so this hasn't been too much of a problem. At this point I give them $15 every Monday, or roughly $60 a month. I figure that gives them enough to have one new ''small'' thing each month, or a nicer thing after two months. Mostly I want them to learn to live with what they have, to think of clothing as a long term thing, not a one- wear-then-everyone's-seen-it-thing, and I want them to appreciate the cost of these expensive items (not sure if I'm succeeding on that last one, but I try...). For the most part this works, and I'm finding that as they get older, having that certain item is becoming less and less important. Anne

What is a reasonable clothing budget for 17 year old daughter?

We have just decided to give my 17 year old daughter a clothing allowance as a way to avoid conflicts about what she's buying and how much she spends. Any ideas about what amount is reasonable and what the allowance should cover would be greatly appreciated.

My son spent EVERY PENNY for months on comic books. It drove me crazy, but it did eliminate his asking for money for clothes. He took his in cash. Four years later he's no longer a clothes-horse and is actually spending and earning money responsibly.

My daughter still tries to get me to pay for gas, dinners out, etc. but it's pretty easy for me to decide what's her decision and what's required. So she has to babysit when she needs more money. She has a savings and a checking account set up and an atm card and I pay by check.

We also gave her a year's worth of money for her cell phone, so she's learning to budget there too. The month that she discovered that text messaging was not free when roaming was quite a shock. But the money was in her checking account so she could pay the bill, then she immediately took a job walking dogs at 7 a.m. for 3 weeks. (That's tough for a teen to get up an hour early!) Barbara

Clothing allowance for 13-year-old girl

I have a 13 year old daughter going into 9th grade. I'm thinking about giving her a fixed dollar amount to spend on her school clothes so she can budget her money wisely and see what it's like at the parents' end. With the cost of clothes and shoes these days, I was thinking between $200-$300, but is this a fair amount or too high? Any suggestions would be helpful.
Em

One thing I have been doing with my kids is shopping online at gap.com and oldnavy.com. This has worked out really well. We can do it together at our leisure and we don't have to go out in the crowds. They know generally what they want and are familiar with the merchandise at those two stores. There are usually sale items, and Old Navy is really inexpensive for basic shorts, socks, jeans. Don't forget it's delivered to your door too! in just a couple of days! I also find it's easier to stick to a total this way - you can check your "shopping basket" for the total as you go along and the kids don't seem to mind putting things back when we go over the limit, or trying alternate less expensive choices. The occasional thing we've had to return, we just take back to the store. It's a lot more fun to shop this way too. I highly recommend it. Might work for the bra too - macys.com and nordstrom.com
Ginger