Back to Advice about Teenagers

I feel compelled to write again because I have had so many thoughts since I wrote the first letter which initiated all of this conversation about hotel rooms and prom night. After speaking with numerous parents about this issue, most of whom are parents of boys, I want to turn the conversation to what our responsibilities are, as parents of boys, when our boys start dating, particularly when they are dating younger girls (which is usually the case). Perhaps it would be useful to have the conversation outside the events of Prom Night, so that it is less personalized. I would like to hear from other parents about how they handle these issues. I don't want to perpetuate what I grew up with--a "boys will be boys" atmosphere in which it was the job of a girl and her parents to be sure the girl takes care of herself. I would like to create an environment in which we care about everyone's child as if that child were our own. I know this sounds "Pollyanna-ish". Somehow, though, what I would like to see is that we create an community in which parents of boys feel responsible for the girls their sons date as if those girls were their daughters. I wonder how other parents feel about this issue, and would welcome a dialogue about this.

We made arrangements with the girl's parents to drive the kids to the place, and to drive them home to our place where she could sleep the rest of the night in our guest room before returning home with her mother as chauffeur the next day. The complications were numerous: we were attending a special 50th birthday party that same night, the girl forgot her ticket and had to return home to get it (via BART), my son forgot his ID and had to be driven home to retrieve it, my husband spent the party on the cell phone and driving around in circles, we got an hour or two of sleep before waking up to make the return trip. But it was worth it for the peace of mind! The girl's mother and father really appreciated our efforts, and I think the teenagers realized that good planning is not a deterrent to having a good time. We loosened up a bit about Raves, and what parent doesn't remember that music and dancing are essential to life? Bonnie

This current generation is the first in which outside perceptions of appropriate parental behavior carry any weight or importance whatsoever. CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK is part of what we do most poorly by our kids. In a diverse and multi-cultural society the boundaries of appropriate behavior are different for different families, but there still MUST BE BOUNDARIES. Please don't assume there AREN'T because you don't want to be perceived as naive or Pollyanna-ish.

In a "village" where rules are different in different homes the logical consequence would be MORE talk between parents, and an understanding that OUR morals (mine and those of my child) are LIKELY not to be YOUR morals (you and your child). When in doubt -- the "highest" or most conservative boundaries rule until a discussion can be had. If you can't bring yourself to ask me honestly if I'd mind my child participating in an activity, the default decision must be NOT to include my child in the activity. I don't assume to know your rules, please don't assume you know mine. If your child can't give you enough information (phone number) for the two of us to speak, please, assume s/he KNOWS I'll object.

At the risk of ending my (12 year-old) daughter's dating career before it starts -- if I found out an older boy took my daughter to a hotel (after the prom or any other times) without the full knowledge and consent of all parents involved... I'd consider pressing charges for statutory rape, unless I could find something more serious -- kidnapping might be useful or conspiracy to commit kidnapping (the parents are the ones I'd really like locked up). If the roles were reversed, I'd expect you to do the same... even tho' my expectation without our real conversation is dangerous.

In exchange for your consideration, I can assure you that I will try NOT to let anything happen to your child that would make you want to put me or my child in jail. Is that fair? Heather

I have approached it much the same way with my daughter, talking with her at length about the emotional ramifications, not just the physical possibilities of pregnancy and STDs. None of this has been easy for me, at times it's quite difficult. But I think it is VERY important for us as parents not to consider teenage boys' and sex as "boys will be boys," which I consider to be turning a blind eye that would be wide open if their son was female. Yes, our kids hear lectures on sex and responsibility in their sex ed classes, but they also learn it from their parents' actions and reactions. A "boys will be boys" wave of the hand is an implicit condoning of their actions by their parents. Children learn how to assume responsibility based upon what they see as well as what they hear.

Recently I spoke with her new boyfriend's mother and I unfortunately felt like she was not interested in discussing supervision issues with me. Beyond agreeing to my supervision request there was no discussion or discourse. I think it is imperative that parents of dating teens try to have some discussion about what the expectations are and to make sure that the kids know what the parents have discussed. I think that this is exactly what our daughters and sons need from us to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and to help them resist social pressures. By discussing with each other and our young adults the realities of sex, romance, peer pressure, and choice making, we model the kind of respectful communication that we hope they will bring into all their relationships, and we bring these issues out of the fantasy realm of Dawson's Creek into the realistic world that they inhabit.