Moving Child out of Our Bed
Berkeley Parents Network >
Advice >
Sleep >
Moving Child out of Our Bed
|
General Questions
Babies 0-12 months
|
Toddlers 1-2 years
Preschoolers
Related Pages
|
March 2003
We've been co-sleeping with our 1 year old for the last 4-5
months since she decided she rather sleep with us than in her
crib. We don't have a problem with this. Indeed, I think it's
not natural for babies to sleep by themselves, but people keep
asking me how long will she sleep with us. I don't have an
answer to that. I'd appreciate the experience of other
co-sleeping parents. Who usually ends the co-sleeping situation,
the parents or the child? At what age does this usually happen?
What kind of clues can I expect from my child to know that she's
ready to sleep in her own room?
Thanks!
anon
Our family bed started from birth with both our children...and
continues (2 and 3 year old), though they now start in their own
twin beds and usually migrate to our bed sometime in the night.
Cribs never worked for us, so they went from our bed to their
beds. My husband and I get some alone in the bed time and then
the kids get to snuggle with us in the early morning, and we all
stay warm and cozy.
WE made a very concentrated effort to have both children sleep
in their own bed. They resisted, but after several weeks they
learned how to sleep in their own bed, and more importantly to
fall asleep alone. We used to lay with them till they fell
asleep and that just took up too much of our precious night
hours when we could get something done without interruption.
Also, we felt our children were too dependent on us to be there
as they drifted off, and that sometimes took 20-30 minutes.
I remember reading somewhere that at around 2 years of age a
child usually decides to sleep in their bed. This was not true
for our famiily, so we had to decide what we needed and then
work together to make it happen.
I love our morning 'family pretzel' as I like to call it, when
we are all intertwined sleeping cozily togther. They are
wonderful times and will be wonderful memories when our children
are out of the bed entirely.
am
hi--not sure that this will *answer* your question, but my
almost 4 yo daughter is ('still') in our bed--we moved from a
queen to a king when she was about 2--and she shows no signs of
moving out for good. There have been 2 periods (each of about a
week) where she slept in her own bed--perfectly nice single
mattress with nice matching sheets, etc.--and then she wanted to
sleep in 'the big bed' again, and we didn't push it either way,
really. i still enjoy sleeping with her, and so does my
husband. in fact, we don't know when she'll leave, and we don't
care! i'm sure that by the time puberty hits she'll be so
conditioned to have her own space that we won't worry about it--
she'll be gone.
love the family bed :)
I know a lot of co-sleeping parents and I have to say that there
really is no ''usually''! I suppose it's more common for parents
to encourage the child into a separate bed than for the child to
request it, but it does happen both ways. (One family I know
bought bunk beds as part of an inducement to their 4yo to sleep
in her own bed, and as soon as their almost-3yo saw the bunks,
he declared that the bottom one was his, and never went back to
Mom and Dad's bed.) Age 3 years seems to be a common one for
the transition, but I know several who've done it earlier, often
because of another baby's arrival, a few who've continued
longer, and a great many who've gone back and forth at various
times.
My own son turned 2 in January and we have just replaced his
crib (in which he only very rarely spent the entire night,
though he started out there most nights) with a twin size bed.
He likes the new bed and stays in it all night at least as often
as not. We like that when he does wake and join us in our bed,
he can come to us rather than my having to go get him!
Holly
Our daughter, who is now almost 5, left the family bed about 7
months ago. Basically, when she got old enough to visit friends
who had their own rooms, we started talking about how she could
have her own room too when she got a little older if she wanted.
In September, we moved to a new home, and suggested to her that
in our new place she could her own room if she wanted,
and she was very excited about that. The first month or so,
she woke up at 3 or 4 in the morning and came over to our room,
which we did not discourage, but soon she was happily sleeping
through the night in her own room. We never a made a big deal out
of the issue or pressured her in any way, she just ''moved on''
when she was ready and it worked fine. She is a very well
adjusted kid sleepwise....never afraid of the dark or anything
like that, which I think has to do with never being pressured to
be alone in her room trying to sleep. I should say, I (or my
husband) still lie down with her in her bed each night for a few
minutes until she falls asleep, and she always comes to our bed
every morning for some morning family snuggles. We enjoy these
moments tremendously!
Karen
My daughter slept in our bed until she was 2 when we became
pregnant with our second child. Not having a real plan we
bought her a bed for her room, and that first night she insisted
on sleeping in it. I was surprised by this as she had always
sleep in our bed. She is now almost 4, and we still have to lay
down with her to get her to sleep. She also comes into our bed
if she wakes up in the middle of the night, but that happens in
phases that last about a week and then don't happen again for
months. It's worked out well, and I don't regret for a moment
co-sleeping with her. In fact when she first started sleeping
in her own bed, it was a little sad, and I would check on her in
the middle of the night.
anon
Sept 2002
My two-month-old has been sleeping in our bed since birth.
Any suggestings for how to get her to sleep -- or at least to
nap -- in her own bassinet or crib? -- Tired mom
Tired mom
A few tricks you can try to get your 2-month-old to sleep in a
bassinet or crib:
- Try a bassinet first, it's often cozier than a crib for a little
baby
- Put an empty pillowcase from Mom's side of the bed that has not
been washed in several weeks over the bassinet sheet (to provide
the comforting smell of Mom)
- Five minutes before you put the baby in the bassinet, put a
warming pad that's set on LOW (or a hot water bottle) between the
bassinet mattress and blanket to warm them up.
- Nurse the baby to sleep in a rocking chair, then slowly and
gently transfer the baby into the bassinet, right over the spot
where the warming pad was, then immediately place the palm of your
hand over the child's belly for a few moments (to provide more
warmth and your human touch) until the kid's asleep.
Good luck.
Danielle
In response to the person who recommended putting an empty
pillowcase in the crib to get a 2 month old to sleep in crib.
All the reading I've been doing lately on infants stresses the
same thing -- do NOT put loose articles in a crib or bassinet as
there is a link with SIDS or the possibility of suffocation.
This includes things like pillowcases, blankets, toys, etc. and
making sure that crib sheets fit tightly. The idea is a good one
though, so prehaps the mother could cover her pillow with the
crib sheet and then put it in the crib with her smell. With my
neice, who kicked covers off anyway, we used warm clothing such
as fleece coveralls.
What also worked well with my neice, no matter who put her down,
was the following (which I've also seen published lately in many
parenting magazines and books. That is, to mimic the baby's
experience in the womb by 1) swaddling, 2) saying ''shush'' over
and over rythmically as it sounds like what the baby would hear
when listening to your blood flow and heart beat in the womb, 3)
laying the baby on his/her side for a while, as being on their
backs can give a sensation of falling (and being on the stomach
is not advised because of SIDS). Good luck.
We have a six month old that just started sleeping through the
night. He has selpt with us since birth, and for the past several
weeks has been basically nursing on and off ALL NIGHT. I was
tired; he was tired. This was not because he was hungry. Rather,
he was nursing out of habit. What we started doing last week was
putting him, well fed, to bed in his own crib (in another room),
and putting a humidifier in his room (with no water. The white
noise really works well). He has been sleeping 12 hours every
night since. We let him cry the first night, and my husband would
go in and comfort him. He did not cry the second night. With our
second child, it took three nights, and with our first, it took
about a week. Good luck!
Mary
Cathy and I are currently in the midst of a discussion about family bed
and when is the appropriate time to transition our son Jesse (now 2.5
mo) to his own crib at night. I recall that some months ago there was
discussion about this (or a similar topic about sleep). I've checked the
web page and don't see any evidence of the wisdom that was passed on at
that time. Is there a good book or another resource that anyone would
recommend? We've already read a brief section from WHAT TO EXPECT IN THE
FIRST YEAR (?), but I'm not comfortable with the stoic sense of
individualism it seems to promote. We also picked up a book on family
bed, but it's not what we're really looking for either (illustrations of
6 & 8 yo getting a bed of their own, or moving to sleep with siblings).
Your advice is appreciated.
-Bob
I have a book from La Leche League called "One Family Bed." And the
magazine, Mothering, often publishes articles on this topic, giving a book
list and other resources as well. When family bed, La Leche League or
Mothering magazine are mentioned, often the reaction is negative, given
their hard-line position on breastfeeding, family bed and parenting issues.
However, I learned to use what I liked and leave the rest behind. If you
are interested, e-mail me directly and I can look these things up at home
and get back to you with info. on how to get them. Or, if you are
interested in discussing via e-mail, same applies -- it took me several
years to discover that I believe in the family bed and be able to say so
without the fear that others would throw garlic at me and pull out their
wooden stakes.
Tamara
IMHO, the most important factor you should consider is how you as parents
feel about it. After all, how "scientific" are the books that you find on
this subject? what type of answer are you looking for in such books?
To me, how my children feel is very important. since they feel very
secure near us, we let them sleep in our bed since they were 10 months
old. Now, both of them, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 sleep with us, though sometimes
we put the older one in her bed, which is right next to our bed, after
she falls sleep. Since they both go to daycare while I am at school, I
find the cuddling time before sleep very precious: we are all very
relaxed and play and sing and tell stories until I tell them that the
angel of dreams is here to give us sweet dreams; they have so much fun
that they resist sleeping. Though I find rolling very hard, and some
mornings I wake up tired, I just cannot imagine sleeping away from them.
I just want to mention that in most eastern cultures it is very normal
and usual for children to sleep with parents until they are about 5 years
old, and then siblings sleep together, until they are 7-10 years old. It
is the western individualism that doesn't recommend family bed.
I have a freind who always says that if animals keep their children so
close to them, then this is the natural way. I don't think if the answer
is there, either. The point is that the right answer is not
in any book, (10 or 20 years from now there will be books that would prove
previous books were wrong!) and cannot be find anywhere. Though I
encourage having family bed strongly, I think it is a very personal
choice(of both parents and child) and just depends on how you and your
child feel about it.
soheila
I recommend two resources: your own knowledge of your son--I think you'll know better
than anyone else when you're all ready for separate beds; and Richard
Ferber's book "Solve your child's sleep problems", for background on how
people sleep and how infants learn to.
My wife and I had no trouble sensing when our children were ready for their
own beds--our first-born showed obvious relief when she didn't have to share
the bed with us!--but I wish we'd known more about sleep cycles and how
children learn to deal with them.
--jk
The "appropriate time to transition" your son is whenever you, Cathy, and
your son are ready to do so. You should check out William and Martha
Sears' book "Nighttime Parenting" if you haven't read it already. They also
talk about this in a chapter by that title in "The Baby Book". There's an
faq on the family bed at http://www.islandnet.com/~bedford/fam-bed.html . I
haven't read it (the faq) myself so don't know if it has what you're
looking for. I wouldn't trust the "What to Expect" book on anything
related to family bed since they don't endorse it in the first place;
actually, I don't trust them on most anything but that's MHO. I'm very
skeptical of any book that says you "must" do x "or else" y may happen. If
anyone tells you that family bed leads to sleep disorders, never learning
to sleep on one's own, child abuse, blah blah blah, kindly point out to
them that the US is the country with the largest percentile of sleep
disorders in the world and that most babies/children in the US sleep
separately from their parents while the majority of babies in the rest of
the world sleep with their parents. That should shut them up (and I'm not
even going to *touch* child abuse).
If you're growing weary of the family bed you may want to try to give Jesse
a "nudge" and see how he reacts. If he's not ready you can wait a little
longer, and if he does respond you can try to make the move. There are
different ways people do this. Some wait until the child's 3rd birthday,
buy a "big boy" bed, make a big deal out of it, and then make the
transition suddenly with a willing child. Others take the step-by-step
approach. First a bed/cot/mattress/crib attached to the side of your bed,
then move the mattress away from the bed but still in the room, then move
it to the other room. Another "trick" is to have an older sibling for the
younger one to join (may not be an option in your case since you didn't
mention one), or to move two siblings that have been in the family bad to
their own "family bed" in another room. I have a friend who just moved her
almost 3 yr old from a crib in their bedroom to a toddler bed in his
brother's room. The two have been having so much fun the younger one
hasn't noticed at all. In short, he was ready.
If you don't have a crib there's no point buying one now. He's old enough
for a "real" bed and climbing out of a crib can be more dangerous than a
bed. If you do have a crib, you might want to try the "side-car"
arrangement as a first step. We currently use this even though our son
usually sleeps between us. If you do transition him out now, be prepared
for "visits" every now and then, especially if he's still nursing at night.
HTH,
---Sophie
Sept 1998
My 4-mo. old daughter has spent the nights of her young life either
sleeping in her bassinet or in our bed, but the latter has become
increasingly more common as she clearly expresses her preference!
Although there is much to enjoy about this warm and cuddly arrangement,
I think we may all sleep better if she were sleeping in her bassinet
and eventually in a crib in another room, where she and I couldn't hear
each other's every breath and movement. (She was sleeping though the night
fairly regularly for awhile, but has regressed and is now waking up again).
*** DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE THIS TRANSITION ???? ***
If she falls aslep in my bed and then I move her, she complains as
soon as she realizes where she is. She also has not taken to a pacifier
or successfully found her thumb, so nursing or sucking on my pinkie finger
is her main source of comfort.
Gail
My 5 1/2 month old son slept with us for the first month or so, then in
a bassinet next to our bed (much of the time!) for about 1 1/2 months
longer. I found that, once we moved him (first in the bassinet, then
into the crib) to his own room, we eventually, over a period of several
tiresome weeks with wakeful periods and midnight fussings, got him
adjusted to the crib so that he does not kvetch much about not sleeping
with us and/or being alone, and we find that he now sleeps fairly
contentedly in his crib. To be entirely honest, though, he still wakes
up 1 time at night, sometime between 2 and 4 a.m., to nurse. Since I
now have to wake up, find my slippers, and traipse off the to other room
to feed him, the cost-benefit analysis of having successfully moved him
to the crib is not entirely clear-cut . . . In short, I am pretty sure
that you will find plusses and minuses no matter what route you take.
It seems to me that the number one issue for new parents is SLEEP - both
theirs and their baby's, no doubt because it is so hard to resolve, and
because the problems occur when your metabolism and mental/emotional
resources are at very low ebb - say, 3 a.m. We haven't been able to
gather the strength to ferberize, but I hear it works a treat. Good
luck.
Wendy
Consider putting your son's crib in a sidecar arrangement next to your bed.
Take one of the sides off, and place the crib against your bed with the
mattresses the same height. This way your son has the comfort of having you
close, but you are able to have some sense of having your "own bed." This
might help him get over his fear of the crib.
Good luck,
Laurel
From: Craig
Regarding kids in the bed and methods for getting them out into a crib.
A friend suggested we put a (warm, not hot!) hot water bottle in the crib
during the transition time, so our son would find something like a body
near him in the crib. (When sleeping in our bed, he tended to sleep with
one hand touching one or the other parent). Turned out to work like
a charm for us -- your mileage may vary.
After five months of happy co-sleeping, we were all three ready to get
more sleep -- which meant a separate bed for our baby. We have had great
success with Dr. Weissbluth's book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby,"
both for night sleep and naps. Yes, it requires letting the baby cry.
But what we've experienced is watching our baby *learn* how to sleep on his
own -- a new skill he practices and gains competence with.
We've modified the approach described in the book to suit us. For
example, our baby comes into the bed with us in the early morning for
the last 1-2 hours so we all wake up together. I also still nap with him
sometimes.
Dr. Weissbluth is also not at all anti-family bed and includes
discussion of how to combine family bed and more sleep!
I encourage you to at least check out this book. We *all three* feel so
much better with the good sleep we now get, and can count on getting on
a regular basis. Our son is a much happier, more resilient fellow.
Finally, because our baby goes to sleep in the early evening, my husband
and I can prepare and eat dinner together and have a few hours of quiet
time together every evening -- a great plus for the marriage, therefore for
our whole family. Best of luck!
Nov 2003
Hi. My son, now five months old, has been sleeping with my
husband and I since he was a couple of weeks old (when I
took him to bed to nurse and finally get some sleep!). The
co-sleep thing worked beautifully for a while; I slept
reasonably well, and so did my son, who nursed
occaisonally. About a month ago, he started sleeping more
restlessly, kicking his legs, grunting, waking up, nursing
frequently (on empty breasts--eeeeegh!) etc.
We've decided that the co-sleep thing is no longer working
for us, and that it's important that he learn to sleep on his
own. Sleeping in his crib is something he's very resistant to
doing (the first night we put him down, when he woke up I
tried rocking him as he reached out toward my husband,
asleep in our bed, and cried, leaning his whole body in the
direction of the bed, all very dramatic).
Getting him to make the transition from our bed to his would
seem to require two different things:
1) He needs to get used to and feel comfortable in his crib,
and
2) he needs to learn to fall asleep on his own, so that he
can soothe himself and get himself back to sleep when he
wakes during the night.
Does anyone have any tips on this? Should we first spend
some time getting him used to the crib before trying to put
him down sleepy (though not asleep) so that he can learn to
fall asleep on his own? Any advice or bits of your own
experiences would be welcome.
Get the book ''Secrets of the Baby Whisperer'' By TracY Hogg.
Though it is geared toward newborns, we used it with my daughter
at 9 mos.
I think it will help you understand what your baby is going
through and what you need to do to get him to a) sleep in his own
bed/crib, and b) go to sleep on his own. Your on the right track
being concerned that he needs to feel safe in his environs.
That's the first step...Good luck.
The Baby Whisperer, The Baby Whisperer, The Baby Whisperer....
It worked wonders for me and really the point (for us) that hit
home the most was making sure our son got good naps during the
day and that he was getting enough calories during the day
(baby food as well as breastmilk) that he didn't NEED to wake
up at night any more. I love this lady for writing the book and
now I have the Toddler Whisperer book (son just turned 1) and
its proving to be just as good.Not all things work for all people, so try everything and
see what works best for YOU. Good luck!
Shaana
We did the bed to crib transfer about the same age or a little
later. Have you read the no cry sleep solution? It might be
helpful. She has lots of ideas for a gentle way to teach them to
fall asleep w/o the breast. We got my husband involved in the
final good night. I also recall that we did it gradually. Like
she had to start in the crib and then first came in w/ us after
the 1st wake up, then only after the second. A sleep sack was
really handy b/c they can't kick it off like they can blankets.
It's colder in the crib! It's been a blessing b/c at 27 mos,
she's still in a sleep sack and she can't throw a leg over the
side of the crib in it. I'd introduce a new bedroom routine
(bath, song, story, comfort object). Gradually reduce amount of
time for the night night nursing. Prepare for a little to a lot
of crying. This could be supported crying where you are there.
Pantley, like baby whisperer, recommends persisten! ce over cold
turkey crying. (pick up, say there there, you are learning to
fall asleep.let's try again). We also tried to do some daytime
play time in the crib to make it a happy spot. But that wasn't a
big success. My daugther I think did feel caged and separated
from me. But the few times it worked a mobile was useful. But
now she loves her crib and reaches for it at a certain point in
her bed time routine. Talking about their day is a great winder
downer. Start now even when you're doing all the talking and
they'll take over later. Be patient. Expect either you or the
child will relapse. Understand travel often negates every stride.
But it can be done and it's great to have the bed back! It is
harder at first though, to get up and breast feed when you are
used to lying down. That I hadn't counted on. But 2-3 times was
better than All Night LOng!
anon
Dec 2003
My doctor suggested to me that if we want our baby out of our
bed, it has to be done around 4 months of age or sooner. She
felt that 6 months would be ''too late'' in the sense that it will
be very difficult. I want to move her out of our bed, but am
not able to yet for a few different reasons. Any advice on
transferring a baby from the family bed to their crib? She is 5
months right now.
I don't think you need to be in a hurry to move her to a crib.
We moved our now 13-month old girl from our bed to her own crib
in her own room at 7.5 months and the transition could not have
gone smoother. Although I loved having her in bed with us, she
started getting really active in her sleep around 7 months, so
at that point we decided it was time to make the swit! ch.
Before then she took all naps in our bed. The only time she'd
spent in her crib was 5-10 minute spurts under her mobile. Some
people advised us to start letting her nap in the crib to get
used to it, but we decided to go cold turkey thinking it would
be less confusing for her and that worked for us.
She was exclusively breastfed until 10 months. By the time we
switched her to her crib, she was sleeping through the night and
did not need to nurse until morning. I think that helped with
the transition. If she did wake up and cried for us, we went in
to her room, did NOT pick her up, patted her tummy and said it
was still sleepy time, and walked back out. Sometimes we had to
do this several times, but eventually she'd go back down.
A little luck and good timing never hurts either :) In our case,
I think she was just ready to move to her own bed. A couple
months before we moved her we bought her a Comfort Silkie and it
has been a godsend. (I think the url is comfortsilkie.com.) I
tucked it in with us while she nursed and she had it during naps
and at night. When we moved her to her crib she had that to
transition with.
Bottom line, you gotta go with your gut...good luck!
Dawn
Why do doctors insist on giving non-medical sleep advice, I
wonder? Drives me up the wall.
Anyway, I suggest that you work on moving your baby out of your
bed when (and if!) you are ready and not before. It is true
that it might have been a little easier, in some ways, to do it
at 4 months than at six, but every baby and every family
situation is different. I have known parents who were
successful in moving their babies to their own bed at 4 months,
at 6 months, at 9 months, at around 1 year, at around 2 years,
and later. I have also known parents who attempted it at each
of those ages and were *not* successful. You know your baby
best and you know what will work for you, and it makes no
difference whatsoever to the medical health of your baby whether
or when she sleeps in a crib, as long as she is in fact getting
enough sleep.
Mom of a frequently cosleeping 2yo
I moved my daughter out of my bed and into her crib when she was
about 14! months old. I just decided the time was right, and it
was all very smooth. She had been napping there, so she did
know it was a place for sleeping, and I told her it was time for
her to sleep in her crib and she did. I don't think she was
thrilled, but she didn't have much choice and she didn't
complain too much. Really what I think is that how easily it
happens has at least as much to do with the temperament of your
child as it does with making sure you pick the exact right
time. My child is easygoing, and transitions like this have
been easy--other, less easygoing kids have a harder time.
no problems
Our son co-slept with us until he was 6 months old. We heard
the same thing--all the warnings about how we'd never get him
out of our bed! The first night we tried, we both lay awake all
night listening to every breath on the monitor because ! we were
so sure he'd start crying any minute. Well, he slept through
the night and we lay awake all night for nothing! Go with your
instinct and don't worry about what anyone else says. In our
case, the decision was mainly based on the fact that our baby
was getting too big and mobile (kicking, sleeping horizontally,
etc.) for our queen-sized bed, and we all slept better once we
moved him to the crib. But I am so glad we did the co-sleeping
for as long as we did, because it is such a sweet experience!
Plus it sure made nighttime nursing a lot easier!
Tracy
I don't know where your doctor came up with the magical age of 4
months old to move the baby out of your bed. I actually think
that you can do it at almost any age, really. The difference
will be that the strategies w! ill be slightly different depending
on the age. With my son, it was important for him to be in bed
with me until at least he was night weaned (at 8 months).
Otherwise I''d be disturbing my sleep to nurse in the middle of
the night. My philosophy was also that little babies don't have
an understanding of time and reason, but when they are older,
they develop a sense of security and you can also explain things
to them.
We eventially moved our son into a crib in our room, then we
moved the crib to the far side of the room. Then at 2 yrs old we
moved him into his own room. Yes, for the first week, he
physically walked down the hall back to us, and we firmly walked
him back into his room. But in general, all of these sleep
changes can be done at any age!
anon
May 2004
My husband, 6 month old daughter and I are currently sharing a
bed, which seems to suit all of us pretty well for now. We
used to put her down in her crib for the first part of the
night (once I'd nursed her to sleep) but then she started
resisting going to sleep so we couldn't put her down at all.
We tried CIO for 4 nights and the crying never diminished (from
30-40 minutes each time) and on the 4th night we discovered
later that she had thrown up on herself and her bed was cold
and wet. We were so traumatized that we brought her into our
bed where she has been ever since. Frankly my husband and I
really like sleeping with her, though some nights are better
than others. Our concerns are
1)leaving her in our bed when we aren't there, afraid she'll
roll off; and
2) what happens when we want to transition her to her crib, say
6 months from now, or when I get pregnant again etc...
I don't want this to become permanent, but am concerned that
transitioning her when WE are ready may be upsetting to her.
Is it as my mother says that transitioning her now will be much
easier on her emotionally than later?
Any thoughts you may have would be much appreciated.
Caroline
I didn't seriously try to move my daughter out of our bed until I
found out I was pregnant again when my daughter was 18 months
old, so I have no point of comparison about when it would be
easiest age-wise, but...I found that being able to communicate w/
my daughter verbally (''Yay! Your own room to sleep in!'' for
example) made the transition fairly easy. She is a fiercely
spirited little gal and we knew that lengthy crying it out would
not really work for her (or us), so we would let her cry for 5
minutes (or even less) go and soothe her and then keep it up
until she went back to sleep. We combined the transition w/ night
weaning and it was very helpful that my husband did at least 1/2
of the night-time soothing w/ our daughter.
I'd imagine that it would be a harder transition with such a tiny
one. Why not wait if you can? My daughter *did* fall out of our
bed once, but it was during a long period on the bed alone. I put
her into her crib for naps after that.
MG
Our 22 months old is currently in the process of transitioning out of
the family
bed. She's always been sleeping in our bed at night. Naps during the
day
would often take place elsewhere, like in a sling, backpack, stroller,
a blanket
on the floor. She would usually fall asleep nursing or eating or being
walked
around. I got very contradicting advice from other people as to when
she
should start sleeping at night alone, and when it would be easier
(-similar to
advice about weanig, btw). There were times when I felt is was getting
too
crowded in our bed, and there were times where I couldn't imagine she
would
ever agree to sleep anywhere else at night. I trusted we would somehow
figure
it out, since I knew of others who moved out without tears as toddlers.
A couple of weeks ago, I put a mat on the floor for her, right next to
our bed.
(Actually, as it was an experiment only, I just used a 4-fold folded
thick woolen
blanket that we had anyway.) She would sit there surrounded by her
stuffed
animals and dolls, imitate us reading a book, talk about night-night,
but not lie
down longer than a second. Ultimatively, she'd crawl in with me, nurse
and
sleep. I thought, okay, that was it, my experiment clearly failed.
Then, a week or two later, a weird thing happened a few times when it
was
about to go to sleep. She burst out into tears pointing to an area
between our
bed and her toys, books, potty etc., demanding I sit down to nurse her
to sleep
there. That really wasn't comfortable for me and I didn't comply until
I finally
understood that she actually wanted to sleep there. When I got out the
blanket
again her eyes lit up she repeatetely exclaimed her name and she
happily fell
asleep there. This has now become our routine, with her joining us in
the bed
around sunrise to nurse a sleep a little more (all of us :-)).
The time of her choice and the importance of imposing it her way (a
different
place than the one I had initially chosen for her) makes a lot of sense
when
seen in the developmental picture. She's close to 2, and very much
into
''mine!'', do it herself, ''big!'' (speaking of herself) etc. with the
usual yo-yo effect
of regularly assuring closeness to her parents.
There are nights when things go a little backwards. She's a toddler,
after all,
sometimes overwelmed by her emotions and in need for closeness to
settle
down. And, of course, when she's sick she needs this, too. I would
say she's
now sleeping with less interruptions when she's on her own, but, since
I didn't
conduct a randomized trial on her sleeping place, I do better assuming
that this
simply is confounding with her choosing to sleep with us when she's not
feeling
well.
I love this experience. It's one of those processes couldn't picure
before and
then the child grows and develops and it all falls into place. This is
not to say I
did not take any initiative. It was me who offered her seperate
sleeping place,
put her there along with all her stuffed animal and dolls, had bought
her a
blanket a while ago (she saw it in a store and wanted it for
''night-night''),
talked to her about sleeping there, talked about other children
sleeping in
*their* bed. Pushing toward independence, but not insisting. A style
which I,
to some extend, learned from the very experienced caretakers in
daycare. They
go for consistency and structure rather than battle, and they give the
kids time.
Often, a toddler refuse or ignores whatever is asked from them, but
after a little
while, after working it out themselves, he would change his mind and do
it out
of his own initiative.
As to your question about rolling out of the bed, yes, that can happen
before
you know it, and you want to get bed rails or move your mattress/futon
on the
floor.
Good nights,
Julia
Good for you for being comfortable re-thinking your decision to
transition her to her own bed that first time. I think the idea
that it is easier now than later is questionable. It totally
depends on the kid. My son didn't sleep in a crib until he was
over a year! But he was happy when he did transition to it.
And we did not need to be strict about it. He could still come
to our bed during the night or early morning if necessary. The
night my second baby was born, the older kid, at 21 mos., went
to sleep in his crib and slept the whole night through! The
thing that has helped us is not expecting the kids to sleep
through the whole night, and therefore not getting stressed or
seeing it as a problem if they need/want us during the night.
So logistically, we had great success with a matress and futon
on the floor. No worries about falling out or getting stuck
between the headboard and the mattress, etc. Plus, with the two
beds on the floor, there was room for the baby on one mattres
and my husband and me on the other! That was the secret to
transitioning to the crib for us. First he got used to sleeping
on his own futon next to us. Later, when there were two small
kids, we could each sleep with one in a bed, but still all sleep
together. It was just nice for both kids to feel like there was
room for them. I think it alleviated a lot of potential stress,
which may have hampered independent sleeping. Good luck.
alicia
June 2004
We are moving our 6 month old to his own room/crib from our bed. We are thinking
of using the Ferber method to help him learn to put himself to sleep as it has
become more and more difficult to get him to sleep as he gets older. He is not a
good sleeper or a good napper. He uses a pacifier to fall asleep about 50% of the
time. Should we use the pacifier along with the Ferber method? Any other advice on
making this transition easier on the whole family?
If you do decide to do the Ferber method, please take the time
to read his book. Its informative and will answer all of your
questions.
Mom of a good sleeper
We moved our son to his crib in a different room at 6 months. He also
would not
fall asleep without a protracted nursing ritual at this point (he'd
nurse to sleep, then
wake up when we put him down, so we'd have to do this over and over
until the
point of exhaustion for all of us). Needless to say, we were at our
wit's end. We got
some good advice, and did the following, which seemed to work: we came
up with
a short routine (pjs, nursing, book, sleep sac, song, a little holding,
then in the bed)
which involved a separation of nursing from the putt! ing to bed (he had
to be
awake), and also dad actually doing the putting to bed. We also put
him to bed
much earlier than we had been doing (at 7:30 instead of 10pm). We
modified the
Ferber by going in to him every 15 minutes and picking him up for a
minute and
holding him before putting him down again. As anyone who has done this
will tell
you, it is excruciating, and yet it works, and --I believe-- is not
traumatic for the
baby. Another modification of Ferber which I felt was important was
that we had a
time limit of 2 hours for the crying (anything more than that and we
would feed him
again, or rock him or whatever --this only happened once) and also we
did not feed
him again if he woke up again within 6 hours of going to bed. By night
3 he cried
for (only) a half hour, and after a week, he wimpered for about 10
minutes on
average. After a month, it only took a ! minute or 2 for him to fall
asleep, and slept
through the night (as opposed to waking up every few hours to nurse).
Hooray! We
were all much happier and healthier as a result. I swore before I had
my baby I
would never do Ferber, but I am very happy I did this.
Good luck whatever you try!
cry it out convert
We moved our baby from our bed to a crib in our room at about 6
months. We first started trying to get him to nap in the crib,
sometimes successfully, sometimes not, but we didn't worry about
it too much. We then started to put him down in the crib at
night, but most nights we would end up moving him to our bed
sometime overnight as he still continued to wake up every few
hours. None of us got a good night's sleep. We finally moved him
out of our room at about 7 months and we've all been sleeping
really well since then. Our baby started sleeping through the
night without any feedings shortly after the move. He still
occasionally wakes once during the night but usually falls back
asleep within a minute or two of crying/fussing.
Good Luck
No longer sleep-deprived Mom (& baby)
May 2004
My husband, 6 month old daughter and I are currently sharing a
bed, which seems to suit all of us pretty well for now. We
used to put her down in her crib for the first part of the
night (once I'd nursed her to sleep) but then she started
resisting going to sleep so we couldn't put her down at all.
We tried CIO for 4 nights and the crying never diminished (from
30-40 minutes each time) and on the 4th night we discovered
later that she had thrown up on herself and her bed was cold
and wet. We were so traumatized that we brought her into our
bed where she has been ever since. Frankly my husband and I
really like sleeping with her, though some nights are better
than others. Our concerns are
1)leaving her in our bed when we aren't there, afraid she'll
roll off; and
2) what happens when we want to transition her to her crib, say
6 months from now, or when I get pregnant again etc...
I don't want this to become permanent, but am concerned that
transitioning her when WE are ready may be upsetting to her.
Is it as my mother says that transitioning her now will be much
easier on her emotionally than later?
Any thoughts you may have would be much appreciated.
Caroline
I didn't seriously try to move my daughter out of our bed until I
found out I was pregnant again when my daughter was 18 months
old, so I have no point of comparison about when it would be
easiest age-wise, but...I found that being able to communicate w/
my daughter verbally (''Yay! Your own room to sleep in!'' for
example) made the transition fairly easy. She is a fiercely
spirited little gal and we knew that lengthy crying it out would
not really work for her (or us), so we would let her cry for 5
minutes (or even less) go and soothe her and then keep it up
until she went back to sleep. We combined the transition w/ night
weaning and it was very helpful that my husband did at least 1/2
of the night-time soothing w/ our daughter.
I'd imagine that it would be a harder transition with such a tiny
one. Why not wait if you can? My daughter *did* fall out of our
bed once, but it was during a long period on the bed alone. I put
her into her crib for naps after that.
MG
Our 22 months old is currently in the process of transitioning out of
the family
bed. She's always been sleeping in our bed at night. Naps during the
day
would often take place elsewhere, like in a sling, backpack, stroller,
a blanket
on the floor. She would usually fall asleep nursing or eating or being
walked
around. I got very contradicting advice from other people as to when
she
should start sleeping at night alone, and when it would be easier
(-similar to
advice about weanig, btw). There were times when I felt is was getting
too
crowded in our bed, and there were times where I couldn't imagine she
would
ever agree to sleep anywhere else at night. I trusted we would somehow
figure
it out, since I knew of others who moved out without tears as toddlers.
A couple of weeks ago, I put a mat on the floor for her, right next to
our bed.
(Actually, as it was an experiment only, I just used a 4-fold folded
thick woolen
blanket that we had anyway.) She would sit there surrounded by her
stuffed
animals and dolls, imitate us reading a book, talk about night-night,
but not lie
down longer than a second. Ultimatively, she'd crawl in with me, nurse
and
sleep. I thought, okay, that was it, my experiment clearly failed.
Then, a week or two later, a weird thing happened a few times when it
was
about to go to sleep. She burst out into tears pointing to an area
between our
bed and her toys, books, potty etc., demanding I sit down to nurse her
to sleep
there. That really wasn't comfortable for me and I didn't comply until
I finally
understood that she actually wanted to sleep there. When I got out the
blanket
again her eyes lit up she repeatetely exclaimed her name and she
happily fell
asleep there. This has now become our routine, with her joining us in
the bed
around sunrise to nurse a sleep a little more (all of us :-)).
The time of her choice and the importance of imposing it her way (a
different
place than the one I had initially chosen for her) makes a lot of sense
when
seen in the developmental picture. She's close to 2, and very much
into
''mine!'', do it herself, ''big!'' (speaking of herself) etc. with the
usual yo-yo effect
of regularly assuring closeness to her parents.
There are nights when things go a little backwards. She's a toddler,
after all,
sometimes overwelmed by her emotions and in need for closeness to
settle
down. And, of course, when she's sick she needs this, too. I would
say she's
now sleeping with less interruptions when she's on her own, but, since
I didn't
conduct a randomized trial on her sleeping place, I do better assuming
that this
simply is confounding with her choosing to sleep with us when she's not
feeling
well.
I love this experience. It's one of those processes couldn't picure
before and
then the child grows and develops and it all falls into place. This is
not to say I
did not take any initiative. It was me who offered her seperate
sleeping place,
put her there along with all her stuffed animal and dolls, had bought
her a
blanket a while ago (she saw it in a store and wanted it for
''night-night''),
talked to her about sleeping there, talked about other children
sleeping in
*their* bed. Pushing toward independence, but not insisting. A style
which I,
to some extend, learned from the very experienced caretakers in
daycare. They
go for consistency and structure rather than battle, and they give the
kids time.
Often, a toddler refuse or ignores whatever is asked from them, but
after a little
while, after working it out themselves, he would change his mind and do
it out
of his own initiative.
As to your question about rolling out of the bed, yes, that can happen
before
you know it, and you want to get bed rails or move your mattress/futon
on the
floor.
Good nights,
Julia
Good for you for being comfortable re-thinking your decision to
transition her to her own bed that first time. I think the idea
that it is easier now than later is questionable. It totally
depends on the kid. My son didn't sleep in a crib until he was
over a year! But he was happy when he did transition to it.
And we did not need to be strict about it. He could still come
to our bed during the night or early morning if necessary. The
night my second baby was born, the older kid, at 21 mos., went
to sleep in his crib and slept the whole night through! The
thing that has helped us is not expecting the kids to sleep
through the whole night, and therefore not getting stressed or
seeing it as a problem if they need/want us during the night.
So logistically, we had great success with a matress and futon
on the floor. No worries about falling out or getting stuck
between the headboard and the mattress, etc. Plus, with the two
beds on the floor, there was room for the baby on one mattres
and my husband and me on the other! That was the secret to
transitioning to the crib for us. First he got used to sleeping
on his own futon next to us. Later, when there were two small
kids, we could each sleep with one in a bed, but still all sleep
together. It was just nice for both kids to feel like there was
room for them. I think it alleviated a lot of potential stress,
which may have hampered independent sleeping. Good luck.
alicia
I think transitioning out of the family bed should be done at a
pace that you all feel comfortable with. We had originally
planned to transition our now 15 month old son out by 6 months,
then 12 months, and now it's open-ended, as we find it's much
easier to comfort him if he's in bed with us (well, me, really --
his mom, as I can nurse him back to sleep). Plenty of cultures
continue the family bed indefinitely with no harm and plenty of
positives. Read ''the Continuum Concept'' for some cultural
comparisons. Anyway, he naps in our bed, but I lie with him and
read or nap also; at night I'm almost always there. Also, you
can use bed rails or a thing called the ''snug tuck pillow''
(designed for co-sleeping, can be bought online) to keep him
more securely in bed, or move the mattress to the floor.
Go to this site for more info about family bed, safety etc.:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=37
Jennifer
1) To avoid falling off the bed, take your matress off the
frame and put it directly on the floor. If you baby rolls out
of bed it is a little bump but nothing that would really hurt.
You can also buy bed rails to put on the sides and the foot of
the bed.
2) Move your mattress into your babies room. When it is time
to move her out of the family bed, you are the ones moving out
of her room, NOT her moving out of your room.
When our son was 7 months we put our mattress on the floor
because he had joined our bed. After a month of not getting
enough sleep (because there just wasn't enough room for all the
moving bodies), I moved our mattress into the babies room and
set it side by side of a extra long twin. Now we all get sleep
and I am hoping the transition will be easier because we will
be the ones moving out, not him.
Best of luck.
The Happy Family Bed
July 2003
I need advice regarding when I should place my baby in her own
bed. I believe in attachment parenting. My mother and mother-in-
law say that it's time for her to move into her own bed (she is
9 months old). I am still nursing her. She sleeps through the
night and maybe nurses once or twice for a few minutes early in
the morning. She is used to rolling over and having access to my
milk and feeling the warmth of mommy. I've starting placing her
in her crib but when she wakes up (a few hours later) and
realizes that I am not there, she starts crying and I place her
in bed with me and she goes right to sleep (I know that sounds
lazy but I'm an exhausted single mother). Any suggestions for
getting her to sleep alone?
''If it ain't broke don't fix it and even more importantly if it ain't
broke don't break it.'' It sounds like you, the only true expert
on your own baby, know what's right and that you are trying
to force your mother and mother-in-law's advice onto a
situation that is working perfectly for you and your baby.
Witness the results an unhappy baby and exhausted Mom.
Which course of action seems to be bringing the most
satisfactory results? It sounds like this is your first baby and
if that is the case I know how extremely difficult it can be to
figure things out. But something I wish I had done when my
now teen-aged son was young was to ask myself in many
situations ''Is this truly working for us? Am I thinking for
myself or am I blindly following others' advice?'' I have many
regrets about following the advice of others without asking
myself if it truly made sense. Once again difficult to do in a
brand new situation where you have no experience, but very
important I believe. I'd like to reiterate that the subtext of your
letter shows that you seem to know EXACTLY what to do in
this situation. TRUST YOURSELF, TRUST YOURSELF,
TRUST YOURSELF.
Joan
Mothers and mothers-in-law are always quick to let you know what
they think. It does not matter what they think, but how you
feel. I too am a single mom and my son has always slept with
me. I was just too exhausted after a full day's of work to move
him to his own bed. Quite frankly, I liked having him with me
because I missed him so much during the day that this was our
time together. He is now 8 and still sleeps with me every once
in a while. If you like your baby with you, than just ignore the
well intentioned advice from the elders and do what feels right
to you.
another mom
Trust your instincts! If you and your baby are getting better
sleep together, stay where you are. There's nothing wrong with
what you're doing. My 1st baby was out of our bed at about 9
months and my second was out of bed at a little over a year old,
and anecdotally that seems pretty average for my peer group. I
think at around this age some parents get pretty tired of having
the baby in bed with them. That might be where your family is
coming from. That said, do what's right for your family, not what
your mom and MIL say.
Laurel
It's time to move your baby out of your bed when *you* no longer
enjoy having her there, or when your baby isn't sleeping well
there. Your mother's and mother-in-law's opinion is totally
irrelevant.
Many AP parents prefer to keep baby in mom's bed until baby is
old enough for a BED rather than a crib -- at a year or two
old. Around 3 years, many kids decide on their own to sleep in
their own beds. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and
the studies of long-term co-sleeping that have been done show
that the children themselves aren't much affected by it one way
or the other -- statistically, the kids who slept in their
parents' bed for a year or more are no more and no less healthy
and well-adjusted than the kids who slept in a crib.
What you're doing right now -- putting her in the crib for the
first part of the night, bringing her to your bed when she
wakes -- is fine too, if you don't mind the sleepwalking to her
room in the middle of the night. It does allow you to have a
little more adult time after her bedtime and before yours! I
did exactly that for a long time, most nights, and like your
daughter, my son would sleep through the night if he started out
in my bed but wake up if he started out in the crib. We moved
him into a twin size bed at about 20 months and I LOVE it. Now,
instead of my having to go get him out of his crib at night and
nurse him back to sleep, he just gets up and comes into my room
on his own, climbs into bed next to me and goes back to sleep
without nursing and usually without waking me up! (He's 2 1/2
now.)
I *like* waking up and finding him cuddled up with me in the
morning. If you feel the same way, go ahead and be ''lazy'' about
putting your baby into her own bed for as long as you want.
Holly
I'm sure there will be an avalanche of responses to this, but
I'll risk being one of the multitude Tell your mother and MIL to
buzz off. You say you believe in attachment parenting and that
co-sleeping works for you. It sure sounds like you're both
getting better sleep this way. If you want to feel more confident
about your choice, read some more of ''The Baby Book'' by Sears &
Sears. I believe there is also a book called ''Attachment
Parenting.'' I still co-sleep with my 3-year-old and it works for us.
Jennie, another single mom
If attachment parenting is working for you and your baby, I
wouldn't change things just because your mother and mil say it's
time. Do it in your own time when you're ready. I do think
training the baby to sleep by herself will entail some sleepless
nights with lots of crying. Perhaps your mother/mil would like
to help out during the transition period while you take a little
vacation? Seriously, I'd also recommend Dr. Weissbluth's
book ''Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.''
ellen
The ''right'' time for moving a child to their own bed is when YOU
want them to - not when others say it's time.
Your bed, your child, your body.
Yes, she will wake up and cry in the night, and yes, it's
absolutely okay to bring her back into bed with you. You are not
being lazy - you're being practical.
Sounds as if you're okay with the situation, so perhaps you
either need to ignore their advice or discuss why they think
it's so important to move her.
If they argue that it will be harder to move her out later,
well, maybe, maybe not. There's plenty written on the topic, so
plenty to discuss.
Ellen
Are you sure you want to move your baby to her own bed or are you just
getting pressure from mother and mother-in-law? Nine months sounds very
young to me. I slept really well with my daughter through toddler-hood, the
early morning nursings gave us all a few extra hours of sleep.
At 4 1/2, she decided she wanted to move to her own room when we offered
her the option, and there was no trouble at all. Occasionally, she'll still come to
our bed, for example, if she has a bad dream, and we all enjoy this precious
time together.
karen
I believe that you will know best when it's time to move your
child out of your bed. Do it when it feels right to you, when
your baby indicates that she is ready. Do it now or in 10
years, but do it for good reasons. I don't believe that other
people's comments - even though well-meaning - are good reasons.
I often wondered why family members so often try to get between
mother and child, they must be suspicious about the strong bond,
which, after all, is the most natural thing on earth and without
it our species wouldn't be on earth anymore. Why did my mother
who I would consider an attachment parenting mother by intuition
w/o reading any of Sears' writing, why did she try to convince
me to move my 10 week old daughter into the stroller rather than
carrying her in the sling? Just because she wasn't used to the
sling, she didn't want to use it? She never critized the bed-
sharing, maybe because she did that with my (much) later born
siblings herself. I was always allowed to come to my parents
bed, too, but it's not the same thing. I still have vivid
memories on lying in my bed awake at night as a toddler, wishing
to be with them, but scared to be attacked by the bad guys from
the fairy tails waiting for me in the hallway that separated our
rooms.
Most American and European parents and parents-in-law critical
about bed-sharing. They are not used to it, they bring up some
concerns about it which may or may not make sense. For sure,
they don't have any scientific evidence that there is any problem
with it. Or do they, on some level, regret they followed the
advice from some doctors or psychologists in the 50s and 60s to
keep physical distance to their children, and feel uncomfortable
seeing their own kids acting differently?
You probably know that you can move your child out of your bed
gradually - literally inch by inch - in various ways. Like
weaning, every child will find her way eventually, and there is
no right age. Some kids just leave on their own, proud of having
their own bed. I belief that the kids now very well what they
need. Yes, they also need limits, but I don't think limits
should amount to borders between parents and children at this
young age in such a sensitive matter as sleeping and night-time.
Limits should be set to their actions during the day, to
materilistic demands, to aggressive behavior etc.
To keep peace, you can put up a crib somewhere, use is for your
child to play with, and to put her stuffed animals to sleep in.
Or you give them something to read, or talk to them about your
reasons for co-sleeping. What are they scared of? What bad
things could happen? It's their turn to give good reasons.
In any case, you don't have to justify to them what you are
doing, but only to your child. You bear all the responsibily,
you and your child will have the advantages and will suffer the
consequences of your decisions.
Good night(s), Julia
I was in exactly the same boat- well my mom didn't have and
issue with our sleeping situation but my more aggerssive and
verbal MIL sure did. My twin boys slept with us since birth or
in the co-sleeper (or later cribs) next to our bed. Eventually
we moved them to a futon next to us when they got big. If I
had just had one baby I probably wouldn't have moved them out
as soon but our bed was only SO big and my husband was already
retreating to his own space by the middle of the night. Now we
have a new baby too (my boys are 3.5 and the baby is 7 mos) and
we did finally move them to their own room just to keep the
baby from waking them up and vice versa. I do miss them even
thugh they are right next door, but it doesn't stay that way
for long. They either climb in with us or I will go in there
with them. I wish they made a double king-size bed so we could
all fit more comfortably but for now this is where we are. I
know others think we are insane but after 3.5 years of being a
mother and now a second-time mother, I am through feeling torn
and guilty and adamant about doing what is right for US. I
love waking up with them and got the most wonderful gift the
other morning. The baby was next to me and rolled over and
started to pat one of his brothers who was in bed too. My
older son then sleepily put his arms around his baby brother
and gave him a little kiss on the cheek and smiled at him and
started talking to him. It was a precious moment and one that
I would never have gotten to see if everyone were off in their
own bedrooms.
Sweet Dreams
Doing it my way
April 2004
I know it's been posted and talked about, but I'm looking to see
if anyone was able to move a 10 mo. old or older from the bed to
the crib without using the Ferber method or some type of cry it
out method. If so, how did you do it? I would love to get some
suggestions or maybe I'm being un-realistic.
I'm so tired, it's hard
to sleep with her - but we kept her in our bed due to a lack of
good heating in our house (we just had proper heating put in
about 1 month ago). 'Looking forward to hearing from you.
Tired, but hate the ''Cry It Out''
I think our oldler son was a little younger than 10 mos.when we
moved him from bed to crib, but we started by putting him in
the crib for just a few minutes with me (mom) standing there and
holding him (with the bars between us) and playing. Then I'd
take him out. Did this for a few days.
Next, I'd put him in but not hold him....talk to him, play,
sing, etc.....next, move across the room and he'd be in the
crib and I'd be in the room.
Next, I think we'd put him in the crib for naps...or maybe when
he was already asleep (this can be tricky if child wakes up when
moved). It only took a few weeks before he was totally used to
the crib and slept there just fine.
My little one, was easy...he always loved his crib...untill he
was able to climb out even before he could walk, but that's
another story.
glad they're older now
June 1999
My 11 month old son has slept in bed with my husband and me since he came
home from the hospital with us. We've enjoyed having him there, but now
feel that it is time to transition him into his own crib. We plan to put
the crib in our room at first. Also, he has always fallen asleep nursing
and still wakes up at night to nurse once or twice. I can't figure out how
on earth I'll get him to sleep in the crib, but I feel it's time to try.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I will appreciate it! Thanks.
Put the crib sidecar style next to your side of the bed, secured and with
a board beneath connection area of your mattress and baby's mattress. About
a month like this is what we did. When baby nursed in middle of night, then
drifted off, I'd shift him over into the crib, which he didn't like, wanted
to snuggle in to me. So I patted his back or just layed my hand on his back.
Kind of fussed at first but then got with it.
After setting the crib up in his separate room, and nursing in rocking chair,
in middle of night when he woke, I'd lay him gently in the crib, keeping my
hand on his back. Again he fussed and didn't go for it at first, so I'd pick
him up and hold him some more, then set him down with back pat again,
repeating 2-5 times. First week was murder. By the time he got back to
sleep I'd be wide awake, but the time I got back to sleep he'd be ready to
rise. But then he got with it. Thank goodness for Peet's, patience and
persistence.
We did the same with our son until he started crawling at 7 and a half
months cause I didn't feel it safe to be in the bed alone (just couldn't
watch him all the time). Hard transition but we've persisted and endured
the tears (all of ours). Two months later and he now accepts the
separation. I get up to feed him once during the night still (told to stop
it before one year or he'll never change) though there have been nights he
can go without feeding for 7-9 hours. Never thought that was possible.
Against most advice, I bring him into bed with me in the morning and it does
not appear to have confused him as we're consistent about putting him in the
crib every eve at the same time and bring him into bed at roughly the same
time every morning.
I suggest you read Ferber's book, Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems.
I found it to be very useful in helping my daughter sleep through the
night. It deals with how to get your child to sleep on his or her own. It
also describes how to deal with several sleep problems which can occur
throughout childhood - night terrors, jetlag, etc. I liked it personally
because it describes the sleep cycles of a child and helped me
estimate how many hours she should be sleeping during the day/night
and how that changes as they grow older.
We also have an 11-month-old whom we are in the
process of moving from nursing to sleep in the family
bed, to his own bed. The advice I've gotten from
several friends who have done this is to go gradually.
Other people have suggested the "Ferber" method, but
that didn't feel right to me; since our child is so
used to being so close to me at night, I just thought
it would be too much of a shock to him. I thought a
good first step would be to get him to sleep without
nursing, even if we didn't change anything else right
away. I've started nursing him a little before bed,
then lying down and turning off the lights while he's
still awake. I've just said, "It's time to go to sleep
now", and held him or let him crawl around a bit,
without interacting with him much, and to my surprise
he's been falling asleep within a few minutes (he goes
to sleep when I do, so it's not that far from what
he's used to just to fall asleep next to Mama, even
without nursing to sleep). Next we may try something
like putting him down in our bed and just sitting with
him, or patting his back, and then having me come to
bed a little later after he's asleep. We'll probably
put his new bed in our room for awhile, maybe staying
with him with a hand on his back while he falls asleep
at first, then one of us might sleep in his room near
him for a few nights if that seems best at the time.
Nighttime nursings have been surprisingly easy to cut
out recently for us; he was nursing several times a
night, every time his sleep got a little light.
Recently I've been trying not to nurse him, but just
hold him or pat his back a little to get him back to
sleep. At first this worked occasionally, then more
often, then last night he went through the whole night
without even wanting to nurse; we've only been at this
for a couple of weeks now. I guess he didn't really
need the milk, but it was more just a habit to nurse
at night. We don't know exactly how this will end up,
but from what some friends have told me it seems that
it is possible to make these changes gently. Good
luck.
We just got our 14 month old to sleep in his own bed, and we never used a
crib. Every time we put him in his crib (asleep), which was in our room, he
would wake up and start to scream. It felt traumatizing trying to force him
to use a crib, so we opted out of that phase. We are into the attachment
parenting philosophy and sharing the family bed, so his bed is in our
bedroom. Our first challenge was to get him to sleep through the nite,
without waking up to nurse (another story). Once he was comfortable with
that, we slowly moved him into his own bed. His bed (actually the crib
mattress) is right next to our bed (my side) on the floor. We lowered our
bed, putting our mattress on the floor so his mattress is right next to it.
He use to sleep between my partner and I. We moved him next to me for one
week (I'm the non-biological Mom), on the outside of the bed. Then we moved
him off of our bed right into his own bed. I can put my hand out and touch
him, if he needs a reassuring pat during the night, or more often, cover him
up when he kicks off his covers. His bed is next to the wall, surrounded by
those long body pillows that pregnant woman like to sleep with. So when he
nestles up in the corner, he doesn't hit a cold wall. His bed is very
inviting. Our friends usually have to lay in it the first time they see it.
It makes our bedroom feel very comfy and cozy.
Which ever method you choose--good luck!
We did this transition from our bed to the crib with our twin daughters
when they were about 9 months old. We had actually started a couple
months earlier with me nursing them to sleep, then putting them in a
crib next to our bed, but didn't have much success. They would wake up
frequently throughout the night and even after falling asleep while
nursing, would wake up as soon as I put them in the crib.
What finally worked was that my partner would rock them to sleep after I
nursed them, and if they woke up before the next "reasonable" nursing
time (we started with every two hours and have been gradually stretching
that out and are now at 4-5 hours), he would get up and rock them to
sleep. It was hard for us all at first, and became much easier when we
moved their cribs into their own room so that they didn't see/hear/smell
me while they were being rocked to sleep. We're still doing this and it
seems to be working out ok.
We did this transition from our bed to the crib with our twin daughters
when they were about 9 months old. We had actually started a couple
months earlier with me nursing them to sleep, then putting them in a
crib next to our bed, but didn't have much success. They would wake up
frequently throughout the night and even after falling asleep while
nursing, would wake up as soon as I put them in the crib.
What finally worked was that my partner would rock them to sleep after I
nursed them, and if they woke up before the next "reasonable" nursing
time (we started with every two hours and have been gradually stretching
that out and are now at 4-5 hours), he would get up and rock them to
sleep. It was hard for us all at first, and became much easier when we
moved their cribs into their own room so that they didn't see/hear/smell
me while they were being rocked to sleep. We're still doing this and it
seems to be working out ok.
March 2004
When our one year-old daughter got sick last month, we let her
to sleep in our bed with us so we could comfort her during the
night. When she got better, we tried putting her back in her
crib at night. But she stands up and cries in protest. When we
tried letting her ''cry it out,'' she stood in her crib for TWO
hours and cried until I rescued her. It seemed too cruel to let
her continue standing. Now, the only way we can get her to sleep
in her crib is to rock her to sleep, then put her in the crib
while asleep. Still she usually wakes up in the middle of the
night and stands up and cries until I bring her to our bed. We
don't want her sleeping in our bed on a regular basis. How do I
break this cycle? Is crying it out the only method? Somehow I
don't think it will work now that she can stand. (By the way,
her nanny gets her to nap in the stroller.) What have others
tried?
Janice
I had the same problem you had. As an infant, my son always had
a difficult time sleeping and staying in his crib. By the time
he turned one year old, he'd be screaming his head off! The
straw that broke our back was him standing and crying it out
one night for 4 hours! I know that sounds cruel, but we
thought we could ''win''. We finally realized he couldn't stay
in the crib any longer, but we didn't want him sleeping in
between us. So we used our blow-up queen size mattress and put
it on the floor. To prevent him from wandering out of his room
at night, we put up a baby gate at his door. Since then, he's
been doing well. Granted, we still have to stay with him until
he falls asleep. At night, we read him his books and he rolls
around on the mattress until it's ''lights out.'' It's been
almost 6 months since we took him out of his crib. He still
wakes up 2-3 times a night. We go to him each time because he
can't fall asleep on his own. But he falls back asleep quickly
after a few pats on the back and a familiar face. It may be
that your child wanted his ''freedom'' from the crib like ours
did. Hope this helps!
Karen
The way I got my son to go back to sleeping in his crib after an illness or
travel, was to take a blanket and pillow down to his room, tell him I
would stay with him until he fell asleep, and then lie down on the floor
right next to his crib until he drifted off. After a few days of this he always
went back to sleeping on his own.
Karen
We're in a similar situation, and concluded that our son just
doesn't like his crib. We tried to let him cry-it-out, but the
whole process was upsetting for all of us. Since comfort, or
lack-thereof, was also an issue, buying a larger bed crossed our
minds (ours is only a full-size), but we agreed that getting him
to sleep in his own space was the priority...We don't have a bed
frame, so our bed is pretty low to the ground. We pulled his
crib mattress out and put it right next to ours, a co-sleeper of
sorts (with pillows on the periphery). He's able to fall asleep
on his own and when he wakes, we just pat him back to sleep. If
he still can't sleep, he ends up climbing into our bed, but
lately, it's been at about 4-5am, just a little while before we
need to get up for the day anyway. We figure this is good
training for a toddler bed; we plan to eventually move his
mattress back to his room. I know our method may open up a whole
new can of worms later on, but for now, we're all getting more
comfortable sleep and there's much less screaming at bedtime.
Good luck!
Anna
October 2002
I have a 17 month old who has to sleep with his father and I
every night. He has his own room with a very confortable bed in
it. But he loves to feel skin while he's dosing off so if you
move he will wake up and look for mommy or daddy.
My mother in-law says he falls to sleep by his-self when she
sits for me while I'm at work but he just won't do it at home. I
know I waited too long for this transition but what about that
old saying ''It's never too late'' hopefully it applies to my
situation;) Does anyone have any suggestions.
I want my bed back!!!!
We are a ''family bed'' family in the process of moving our 15
1/2 month old daughter into her own bed in a room adjacent
to ours. Here's been our approach (still a work in progress):
First we night weaned her by having her sleep with her Dad
in our bed and me in another room. We did that for about a
month. Then, a few weeks ago, we put a double mattress
on the floor in her room where she and her Dad sleep. Most
recently, I switched from nursing her to sleep to nursing her
on the couch and having her Dad take her upstairs to sleep.
So, now she is sleeping (basically) through the night, in her
room with her Dad. In the next few weeks we plan to bring
my husband back into our bed. Hopefully she will be
adjusted enough to be able to sleep alone.
Hope this helps. Our experience has not been without a few
tears, but also not nearly as difficult as we were expecting.
Good luck!
jquiroz
Sept 2004
Our 18 months old son moved from a family bed to a new toddler
bed in his room last week. We wanted to move him out from our
bed because we wanted to sleep better. My son moves and kicks
alot while he is asleep. Well, the transition has been very
difficult, to say the least. He has been waking up 2-4 times
and each time he cries and walks to our bed. I take him to
his bed each time, and he can fall asleep quickly. But after 2
hours or so, he gets up and comes to us... I don't want to
give it up yet, but I am so tempted to pick him up and bring
him to our bed because I AM SO SLEEPY!
Anyone out there had (or having) a similar experience? (I read
the previous recommendations already.)
sleepy mom
Can your toddler bed be in your room, next to your bed for a
while? Gradually moving may be easier on him. Or try a sleeping
bag on your floor, for when he feels he really wants to be near,
but he won't be kicking you in bed!
R.K.
March 2005
My daughter will be turning 2 in three weeks. For the past three months she has
been sleeping with my husband and I in our queen size bed. I had never really
wanted a family bed, but due to her continual night wakings and a move to another
city, she ended up in our bed every night. The problem is she still wakes up often,
kicks and rolls over, and in particular, cuddles up close to me. Therefore, I am
getting very little sleep. My husband and I are in agreement that we have to move
her into her own sleeping space. The difficulty is that when we put her in the crib
she cries and tries to climb out. She will also throw around her body. Two times
she has ended up with a cut lip (that was the final bang that resulted in her sleeping
with us all night). So, now that that she is almost two, should we buy a bed now or
try some more with the crib? She also has a terribly difficult time falling asleep
without being hugged / cuddled by one of us. I know that consistency is important
with any treatment that we try but I am not sure what road to take (bed vs. crib). We
(parents) are also horrible at tolerating long periods of screaming. Any advice
would help.
tired and frustrated mom
We moved our daughter out at 18 months.
Some things that helped: she had her own bed (never took to the
crib) which she'd been napping in for a couple of months. She'd
watched Sesame Street where Oscar tucks Slimy Worm into bed.
And, finally, we just toughed it out, despite screaming (went on
for about two weeks).
The first little while we'd bring her in to our room when we
went to bed, but eventually we just left her in her own room.
If she got up and came in, my husband took her back to bed (no
nummies!)
When we weaned her, we did the same routine, with my husband
taking her to bed for about a week.
It helped that I'd left my job when we moved her and knew that
she was getting PLENTY of parental attention during the day.
Sara
My daughter is the same age as yours, and, apart from the part
about throwing her body around, my husband and I endured a
similar situation for about a year. It took an hour of cuddling
or 90 minutes of singing to her in her crib to put her to sleep
every night, and then she'd wake up at 2am and come to bed with
us. We got fed up with the kicking and not getting any sleep
about three months ago, when our daughter was 21 months. Here's
what we did:
1. On the Friday of a long holiday weekend, we explained to
her over the course of a day or two that she was a big girl now
and could sleep all night in her crib. The first night was the
worst, with her waking and crying a bit every 30 to 60 minutes,
asking to ''sleep in bed.'' I slept on a bed next to her crib,
with my hand through the rails, and explained over and over that
she needed to ''sleep in crib.'' Since I was right there, she
didn't cry much, which was good, because my husband and I both
have a low tolerance for prolonged crying. The second night was
much better, and by the third night, she only woke up a couple
times, and I didn't need to sleep nearby that night. We were
grateful to have an extra day in the long weekend to recover
some sleep before we headed back to work.
2. A couple nights into step 1, we realized that she was
kicking off her smallish baby blankets, and one of the reasons
she awoke during the night was because she was cold. We bought a
throw-sized fleece blanket that we could tuck in at the edges of
the crib mattress. By night five, she was sleeping through the
night consistently!
3. About 5 or 6 weeks after starting step 1, I had had enough
of spending so much time putting her to sleep in the first
place. I explained, again, that she was a big girl, and could go
to sleep by all by herself in her crib, and that I would be
right in the living room. This seemed to be very important info
to her -- she kept repeating ''Mommy living room'' at bedtime for
a long time. I made sure she had a very busy day, and would be
pretty tired out by bedtime. So we did the usual bedtime
routine, I told her that I'd sing her one song when she was
sitting in my lap, and then I put her in the crib, and walked
out the door. I was shocked that she went to sleep within 5
minutes, but she did! And she's been putting herself to sleep
with the same routine ever since.
Because she was such a wretched sleeper, my husband and I had
been getting a lot of advice/pressure/judgements from
family/friends to let her cry it out, etc., so we were pleased
that we stuck to our guns, did it our way (gradually), and
didn't have to endure much crying. No promises this approach
will work on any other kid, of course, but it worked great for
us. Good luck.
- Sleeping Now
Get her a bed. At bedtime, lie down with her in her bed and
cuddle until she falls asleep. Then sneak away.
Yeah, sometimes you'll fall asleep in her bed and wake up,
uncomfortable, in the middle of the night. Sometimes she'll
wake up and join you in yours, in the middle of the night. But
it's the most painless way to begin the transition to separate
sleeping quarters.
For safety, you may need to gate off access to anywhere OTHER
than your bedroom, so that she won't wander around the house at
night. Some people gate the child's room (and very carefully
babyproof that room!) so that the entire bedroom essentially
becomes the crib. This works but it does mean that if she wakes
in the night and needs you, she'll cry until you wake up and
come get her. Whereas, if she has access to your room, she may
come to you without waking you up. (That's what happened in our
case and boy was it nice! Nobody in our household missed the
crib at all. Our son was 2 at the time. He's been sleeping
through the night in his own bed, most of the time, since
shortly after he turned 3, and we never had to do any 'training'
to accomplish that.)
anon
January 2006
any advice? on and off over the years we've tried various things aimed
at promoting sleeping through the night (in own bed after a point), which
with a lot of effort would work for a few weeks and then always back to
him coming into our bed to sleep (starts off in own bed). he wants to
cuddle and not be ''lonely'' but thrashes around and pushes us into odd
positions. we've tried ''positive incentives'' and walking him back to his
bed, even a baby gate (too much fussing in the middle of the night), but
it all seems to get old and we end up back in the same boat. any
ideas?????
thanks.
Our situation was just like yours. Here's the ridiculous and
embarassing solution I came up with: For about one month, I set up our
air mattress in my daughter's room and slept in it with her, just to
break her habit of crawling into bed with us. We called it the
''camping bed'' and she really enjoyed having me next to her.
Then I started a chart/sticker reward system where she would receive a
sticker for sleeping in her own toddler bed. Once she received
five/seven etc. stickers, we took her to the store for a small ($5)
reward. But here's the kicker - I had to sleep next to her bed on a
small air mattress and sleeping bag so that she couldn't crawl into bed
with me during the night. This went on for another few weeks.
Finally, I continued the reward system only if she went to sleep in her
own bed and didn't come into our bed during the night. I would tuck her
in, read her as many books as I could stand while she relaxed in her
bed, then sing her a song. I would then tell her I had to go do some
specific but short chore (feed the cats, brush my teeth, etc) and then I
would be right back. And I would always keep my word. She would
usually get up a few times during the night in the beginning and I
walked her back to her bed. Now I have a kid who can go to sleep in her
own bed by herself and life is SO much easier. I was only slightly
sleep- deprived, but it did take a while.
Best of luck to you!
Victoria
September 2002
I have always allowed my almost 4 year-old daughter to
sleep in my bed, save for the occasional ''I can sleep by
myself'' foray. Because she is almost 4, and I have
developed marked insomnia over the past year and a half, I
am now ready to help her transition to her own bed and am
meeting with a lot of resistance. She cries and tantrums,
and longs for me, and if on occasion she is asleep when I
put her in her own bed, she wakes in the middle of the night
and comes into my bedroom.
Complicating this somewhat is that my partner of one year,
who is not my daughter's dad, feels uncomfortable
spending the night at our house when my daughter is there
because she throws such fits about going to, and staying in,
her bed. Also, he just isn't comfortable sleeping in the same
bed with the two of us--and I am finding it harder and harder
to get enough sleep. She rolls around, clings to me, and
pushes me to the corners of my queen sized bed.
I am trying to help my daughter make the transition to her
bed independently of my wish to have my partner be able to
spend the night at our house, but I suspect that she is
linking the two things, which would understandably make
her feel pushed out of my bed so he can be there--an
impression I wish to avoid. Any tips, advice, encouragement
for a stressed out, sleepless mom?
I am in the same situation and I have found that using a chart
and reward system worked for my child. I broke the problem into
a couple of parts: going to sleep in her own bed (at which point
she would join me in my bed at 1:00am or so) and staying in her
own bed. For going to sleep in her own bed, I laid down with her
at first and gradually moved to sitting in the room, moving to
the door and finally sitting outside of her door, while she fell
asleep. This took a few weeks. Then for sleeping in her bed
through the night, I used a digital clock, with the minutes
blocked out and only the hour seen. She can only get up and come
to my bed after 5am. After a certain number of successes at each
stage, she got some kind of reward. It has worked well with her.
The whole process has taken a few months but has been relatively
smooth. Now she goes to bed in her own bed and sleeps through
the night many nights.
anonymous
I have a few thoughts on the postings about four-year-olds and
sleep problems. My younger daughter has a hard time going to
bed alone & staying in her room. Her basic problem is that
she's lonely in her room, she wants someone to sleep with her.
Well, neither her older sister nor I are willing to go to bed
with her at 8:00, & she's the kind of revved-up kid who can't
really relax into sleep if she's around other people. She needs
to be alone, even if she doesn't want to be alone. What has
helped is making sure she has enough nightlights & a small desk
lamp by her bed so she can see well enough to look at books or
play with her toys, since I've always told her she can play
quietly if she's not able to fall asleep right away, or if she
wakes up during the night. She also has a radio & tape player,
so she can listen to music in her room. She also has a hamster
in a cage in her room, who often is awake at night running in
her wheel or eating or drinking, providing some companionship.
If she stays in her room after I say goodnight (my daughter, not
the hamster), she gets a sticker in the morning, & after 5
stickers she gets to choose a prize from the prize box. So it's
a combination of addressing the underlying problem (loneliness)
& bribery. It works pretty well -- she gets a sticker most
mornings, little prizes are cheap, so are hamsters.
Melinda
You are right on when you suggest that your daughter is
linking her transition out of your bed with your partner now
sleeping in your bed (or, to your four-yr-old, in her place.)
Even if you were to allow her to sleep with the two of you I
expect she would still feel threatened by having to share her
place in your bed with your partner. The way I see it, your
partner in your bed is only setting your daugher up to feel
hatred towards him and deserted by you. Save everyone
some pain and keep your partner out of your bed. This way
your daughter will be able to make the transition to her bed
independently of your relationship with him, and she will get
the reassurance she needs from you that she is #1 in your
book.
anon
Feb 2003
Does anyone have any tips on how to convince my 4 1/2-year old
daughter to sleep in her ''big girl bed''? She naps fine in her bed,
but is afraid of night-time...says she's scared of monsters. We
talk about it a lot and she sometimes says she's ready, but when
bedtime approaches she ''chickens out'' and comes back to our bed
(which includes our 16-month old daughter as well). I love the
family bed and it's worked out fine, I just feel that she should
sleep in her own bed soon!
thanks,
Alexis
We also do the family bed. When our second arrived we had a
twin bed next to our king for our then 3-year old daughter. She
will be 7 years old this month and is still sleeping in that
bed. Yes, our bedroom is 2/3 bed. I have had a few moments of
concern that she shows no interest in sleeping in her own room
alone, but I recall those vulnerable childhood feelings during
the night and I don't feel like children should have to endure
those alone especially when they let you know they are not
ready. I trust that when my daughter is ready, she will move
on. Until then I still enjoy the sweetness of waking up
together.
Mary
(editor note: advice also received about Monster Fears)
this page was last updated: Sep 12, 2009
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Please see
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.
Copyright © 1996-2013 Berkeley Parents Network